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Saturday, September 6th, 2003

Time:2:52 am.
Well, school has started. I didn’t really realize how lonely I was over summer until I saw all my old friends on the first day. I mean sure, over the summer I had my fun- but I felt kind of alone. It’s alright though. School has changed so much, I’m not as close- or don’t feel so close to the people I did over the summer. On the other hand, I’ve gotten closer with people who I’ve missed so much. Rachal and I, we’ve gotten really close, but Missy and I have sort of faded. Lauren and I talk more than we did over the summer, but me and Brittay/Michael don’t. And the high school’s so big, I got so used to seeing Brittany and Michael every day last year. This year I don’t see them. I wish I did, and I try to make it a point to, but if I make it a point to see them and they don’t make it a point to see me, what should I do? I don’t really worry about not seeing Michael because she has all her cheerleader friends, and I kind of expected her to hang out with them more than me. But Brittany, I didn’t expect her not to talk to me much anymore. And then it’s like all the black people hang with just the black people. I don’t know. I guess it just takes some getting used to. I’m just a little out of it. And I miss Brittany’s friendship, maybe I’ll get it back- but I’m too weak to fight for it. I am sick, it’s only the second week of school. I met a guy too! His name is Adam, he’s in 11th grade, but he’s really shy and he’s upper class. I just wish age and grade didn’t matter much. I don’t know, guess it does. I hope everything that has faded with my friends, I get back again. Missy and I will always be friends, and I’ll make sure I see her at lunch and give her hugs and talk on the phone and stuff. It’s just harder with Michael and Brittany, maybe it’s harder cause I make it that way. Anyways, I love you Rachal and all my other great friends.. until next time.
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Subject:second update..
Time:12:10 pm.
Mood: discontent.
Music:Straylight Run- It's for the best.
Lately I've been wondering about depression and how sometimes it just hits me out of no where. Sometimes I rather not think about anything, but I then think about it more, and more and more. I was talking to Brittany today and she said something that just made me think that I had no reason to even talk to her. It was like, "I can't keep starting over with you." I never suggested that we start over to begin with because I know it's not fair for me to assume that starting over is the best option all the time. I've learned that. I mean I wish that things were that easy, but they aren't. Then she tells me that I can tell her how I feel, but when I do, I regret it. Maybe she makes me regret it but either way, I regret it. So I am stopping.

This depression thing is just, on and off. I started [after talking to Brittany] realizing how many friendships I have had that I've had to "start over" before I got it right. I mean it just takes one thing, one comment, one person- to make me re-evaluate my thoughts. I change everything I know just to please. Missy and I have started over so many times, and after like the 4th time we're fine now. I mean it took a lot, but I think it has been worth it, and hopefully she does too. But maybe that isn't the right thing for me and Brittany. So I tell her that we should just pretend nothing is wrong and maybe it'll go away. I mean, we know it won't- I know that, and she knows that, but it was just something to say just to sort of get off the subject, but she has to say "it's not that simple." Or whatever she said. And made me think again. Then I tell her she seems happier without me so we should go our seperate ways if she wants. And she says we should just drop everything and walk away. And I thought she meant our friendship, and I started crying. It was really sad. Because how could you just "drop" a friendship and "walk away." Then she explains she meant our problems, but I don't know.

You don't know what you've got 'til it's gone.

So I decide tonight that I just want to get away from it all, so I go downstairs. I flip through some channels. What movie happens to cut on? Mad Love. That movie with Drew Barrymore? And I decide that I'm a sucker for movies like that and seeing how screwed up she is in that movie will help me see how good I've got it. So I watch it, and once I start watching something, I can't stop.

So I'm watching it and I realize I am just as screwed up. And this hurts because over the past few months, I thought I was getting better. All these old feelings came up. All these old friendships ran through my mind, I couldn't stop them. Then instead of watching a movie- I was watching my life. Only I couldn't shut it off and go to bed, which was all I really wanted to do in the first place. And before I know it, I'm crying. I'm thinking of Amanda, and how she hates me. I'm thinking of how bad I screwed that up. I'm thinking of how Michael Amanda and Missy don't have to hear my problems when I want to whine.

And I go to the kitchin and I see alcohol and I want nothing more that to drink it all and pass out, and forget this night, this movie, Brittany, all my problems. I pick it up, look at it and put it down. I realize that's not what I need.

So I am up here, writing in my room. I need to think about where this friendship with Brittany and I is going, and how it's going to get there. I need to think about whether or not I even care about Amanda, and if I should call her. Because I honestly thought I didn't care anymore- but just watching that movie, made me miss her.

Whenever I was depressed, whenever I was down- she would understand, because half the time- she was down and depressed too. She would make me happy, make me smile- and I could always do the same for her. She's found new friends that make her smile plenty. And even if she doesn't come back, I hope she's smiling wherever she is at.

I have school in the morning, I should never go to sleep this uncontent and this unhappy, but it seems like I have to now.
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