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Thursday, December 18th, 2003
6:31 am
www.blurty.com/users/saddestemostar

xox

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Tuesday, December 16th, 2003
11:19 pm
I read over this journal tonight, and I just want to erase the pain.. I might start a new one..

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Wednesday, December 10th, 2003
10:28 pm
Walking down this road, I think I've been here before. So many familuar faces, a coat on to hide the cold. Then I see you- and well, I know I know you from somewhere. Everything about you chills me to the bone. I have to stop staring, I think you might notice- sometimes I wish you would. I wish you would give me half the time that you take out to talk about me. I wish I could be half as important as you are to me. And we all have grown up, but you still act the same age as you did in school. And we all think about you, but you think it's better to be a recluse. And who the hell cares? I wish I didn't. I wish you gave me half the time that you take out to talk about me. I wish you gave me half the time you took out to talk about me. Love me or hate me, either way I'm on your mind. I'm on your mind..

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Friday, December 5th, 2003
9:55 pm
This week has been one of the worst weeks ever! I couldn't say anything right, or do anything to help, and Courney wasn't there! Today I was in the hall and I bumped into this girl accidently, and she looks at me and yells "Watch where the fuck you're going." And I just stop, look at her, and get in her face and yell back, "You don't know who the hell you're fucking with, I've had a bad day- I have a headache and I'm PMSing! Don't fuck with me bitch!" And I walk away.. I just, flipped out. :( I feel real bad about everything. About not being able to talk to Rachel, about not really wanting to, about talking about someone in the library with Cassie, about calling the certan somebody a bitch 20 times! I don't know what's wrong with me. Then this whole flu epidemic.. ah, I am going to get sick! I can feel it!.. Then I wrote an email yesterday to an old friend and she told me it made her cry.. I love you all! Rachel, Courtney, KP, Cassie, Mikey! All of you and if this week I was bitchy, I'm sorry...

MiZzKPiCiOus69: christine is my god

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Sunday, November 30th, 2003
5:35 pm
I remember when you looked at me and said, "Will you always love me, just as much as you do now?" And I said, "I'll love you for as long as you want me to and even when you don't. I'll tell you you're beautiful even if you're knee deep in tissues and strung out on coke. When you're gone I'll miss you and await your return. You're the only one who matters to me anymore." Then I sang to you softly.. "No need for reminding, you're still all that matters to me." You looked at me and fell asleep near my bedroom door.. When you woke up you looked up, you asked "If I died would you cry.." A tear fell, I said, "You don't know how much you mean to me. You're my everything." You cried and said, "I want to die.." I said, "I'll be here. I'll dry your tears, I'll walk along your side. Just promise me you'll be here for the ride. I need you.." And I sang softly.. "I'll be sleeping with the lights on so if I wake in the night your picture is clearly in sight."

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Thursday, November 27th, 2003
7:32 pm
You're my cocaine, there's no subsitute. Synthetics just won't work, I know they aren't as good as you. So give me a fix, something that will be good enough to get me through today, smile the way you used to- fake being "okay." You're my favorite drug, my only hope.. Look at me that way again and I just might melt or disappear. Become what I know you can be, just don't leave me here. You're my cocaine, my only hope.. no one will ever be good enough.

I love you..

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Wednesday, November 26th, 2003
8:52 pm
You act as though life without you is exactly what I want, but it isn't. Everyday gets harder and every word losing meaning a lot more quickly. I saw a picture of you today, it was one of you intoxicated, but you smiled. And I thought "that's the only time she's happy, if she's running away from all that hurts litterally or if she's running away by drinking or smoking." And I cried, oh how I've cried for you. Then I went over your notes and you said, "I love music that makes me jump around" and I want you to jump around in your room, and yell at the top of your lungs, sober, "I am beautiful..no matter what they say." Because you are, you're so beautiful to me.. And you call me, you're so upset, you tell me you want to die- and I believe you, but I think you're so selfish. I think you want everything or nothing at all, you want happiness and you don't care who you hurt to get it. You don't see by leaving this town how much it'll hurt. And you see me with new friends and you think "she'll be fine moving on" but I'm with these friends and I think they'll never mean as much as you do..And I wish I would've said all these things sooner, I wish I could make you stay, I wish we could sit together at lunch forever because that's the best part of my day- seeing you for that long. 300 miles seems so far away when everywhere I turn there's a reminder of you. Then I thought today and I said to myself, "I know happy she'll be 300 miles away from everyone that's ever caused her pain, I know how much she'll smile- and I just want to be there when she finally does smile again." But I won't be, I won't be there. And I wonder if that's why you want to be that far away, if it's anything to do with me. You say it's not that far away and you aren't leaving for a long time, but every day I see you all I think is "She's leaving, why should I even become more attached?" And you say we've made great memeories, and you say you care but I wonder if you really do, I mean if you truely do. Because I could never leave you.. I could never leave. I want you to smile again, I want you to be happy. I want you to move on and realize that you can become all the things you would ever want to be, even if it is without me. I want you to smile..

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Saturday, November 15th, 2003
11:08 pm - ..And lo conosciamo finito
Scrivo le lettere che non leggerete mai. Desidero che avete conosciuto tutti che significhiate a me. Molto possibilmente pi? di qualche cosa. Il mio tutto. Ritornato a me..





I write letters you'll never read. I wish you knew all that you mean to me. Quite possibly more than anything. My everything. Come back to me..

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Thursday, November 13th, 2003
6:58 am - build me up, let me down...again
Today there was a teacher meeting, and I got to be there. Hells yeah! hah I was able to sit there and they got to tell me how brilliant I was but that I was hanging with "the wrong crowd." I tried to tell them that I am the wrong crowd, but no one ever fully listens. They think they know everything, they tried to tell me they were there for me. They saw the cut on my arm- I didn't do that one, I swear! I have this fucking physco cat. Then I was able to leave, and I just thought "did I wake up for that?" Because the teachers came and got me out of A1 and I was just like, "Shit, this is my napping period." I was kind of pissed but then again, eh whatever.
Emails, emails, emails.. what to do, what to say? Nothing. I don't know what to do about this mess that I am in now. It's like I send them, and they mean so much to me- but somehow I know it means so little to you. I get the fact that you don't want to miss me, but what am I going to do? Sit here and be miserable alone? I don't want you to be miserable because of me, I've changed. I'm not so "oh my god, i want to die" I'm more "wow, i love everything." But then I could be having the greatest day ever, and I sign on, and I check my email, there's one from you and the day just... gets.. better. So much better than what it was before. I love that feel of my heart falling right through to my stomach. You build me up the way that you know only you have the power to do..I don't want to be let down.
Corey and myself force fed a certain eating disorder friend today. Ah, I'm hoping she listens to us and takes what we say to heart. We both love her so.. I don't want her depressed and sickly all the time. I miss the way things were.
Missy and I are fine, Michael and I are fine. Alyssa and I aren't talking. Corey and I are best friends. Rachel and I are best friends. I miss you. And, yet...my life couldn't be better.

current mood: thoughtful
current music: Brand New

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Sunday, November 9th, 2003
11:46 am - Growing up.. or trying
Homecoming was really fun, thanks for everyone who made it a great time.


"Some things to think about or to cry over" and you say you've done neither, why should I? All these emails I keep sending, it's all the truth, okay? Every word is the truth. It's like a year ago when you said "I was never a good person but you made me want to try," the words mean something to me. I hope they mean something to you.

Missy, thanks for the talk tonight. The memories, just everything. I know we're friends now and I hope we'll stay that way. LOTR, me and you.
Michael, thanks for being there..helping me through everything. I hope we start to talk more.


Tomorrow I have to talk to Rachel, a talk I don't really look foward to but it has to be done. I just hope I don't cry.. maybe I'll just write her instead.. gosh, I feel like such a pussy..

"And for the first time, I see that it's good that you left me. Because if you didn't I was just going to be holding on to something that was bound to fade away."

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Friday, November 7th, 2003
3:15 am - Every line is about who I don't want to write about anymore...
And I don't want to sit here, wishing- wondering if you're going to call. And I don't want to sit here wondering if you still care. Because I know how this ends.. You say you love me and I say I miss you, you tell me you care, and I feel the same too.. but you won't come back. And what's so hard about that request anyways? It's the middle of the night, I've got my disc man and a flashlight, writing about you again. The way the hair fell in your face in that last picture, the way you smiled. I have a new life, brand new friends, a brand new home, but still.. crawling back to what I used to know, isn't so difficult. But I know how this ends.. Hopefully this time I'll get a goodbye..

And I still love you too

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Tuesday, November 4th, 2003
10:24 am - lately
I've done nothing but think. I want to get away, I really do. This week will be hell. It has been, but it's flown by- which is good... This Friday is homecoming dance, and I don't really know how I feel about that. I've never been into that sort of thing. And I have a date, but he's not sure if he can go, he needs a ride and stuff. Plus his grades, and I'm not even sure I want him there. There's no one that I want to go with though, it's just.. I don't want to go with him. It's mean, I know..
I wrote an email to an old friend.. It was so lame, talking about what I miss. I wish I never wrote it, but they wrote back. Something about "Thinking how good it would be to call you my best friend again" is a quote from it. I don't know how I feel about that, i really don't. I wrote them a letter, 7 pages.. but I don't know if I will send it, maybe I'll at least re-write it. I want everything to be the way they were when that .::old friend::. was here. I miss those times..
Friendships are breaking and friendships are forming. Missy and I will always be friends, this I know. It's just, I want to help her, she seems so sad, but she won't tell me what's wrong. And everytime I am around her, I just feel like I'm in her way. Same with Michael, and all I want to do is just.. not talk to them sometimes. I really don't and can't say the write things, and they might read this and I don't want this turned into something that it definetly is not. And it is not a big deal. I just feel a little left out by them and it's sort of an ongoing problems. It doesn't help that we don't have classes together, but Missy can never skip class with me, and I haven't asked Michael but I'm sure she isn't and wouldn't either. Then we have Christa. I've known Christa since 6th grade and I haven't even taken the time to get to know her til now, and I'm so glad that I am taking the time to do so. She is really a very complex person, which I never would've guessed.. We're a lot alike and hopefully through our common issues we can help each other. I'd like to become better. Because.. lately I haven't been okay, or even halfway alright..
Best friends means friends forever, which means when my friend has problems I have to help. I thought I could. I want my friend to tell me things, I just don't want her to do the things that she tells me. This is awfully complicated, I know. She tells me that I am the reason she's alive now, and that I'm the only one she doesn't lie to. And these things make me feel so important. It's just the fact that I couldn't stand to lose her, and I feel that if she doesn't stop the things that she is doing, I will lose her. This scares me more than anything else every could.

Things to think about..
I cannot lose a best friend again
I need to make the best out of homecoming
I need to find the courage to send that letter
I want to help Christa and I want her to help me
I need to talk to Missy and Michael, and tell the how I feel

I need a break

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Saturday, November 1st, 2003
12:13 pm
when i first popped the compact disc into it's player, i had nothing but good intentions. i was to listen and reminise, but i started crying and remembered everything that i now miss. i remember it all. i was going to instant message you to pretend i was mad, stick up for a friend or something of the sort. but we talked about everything except the friend. religion, life, love, regrets.. for hours.. for hours. i remember sleeping one night and you calling- left a message on my machine. you sounded so uncomfortable. "uhh yeah, it's me.." and the day you got into that last fight with your mom, i knew it was all going to be over soon. 4 hour good-bye followed by a 2 a.m goodnight.. "dont let me sleep" and i couldn't.. it was only supposed to be for a week. you didnt even have the courage to tell me you didnt want to come back home. and i remember the night i died.. our last fight. i remember the last phone call, the one where i heard you cry. you sounded so uncomfortable "i dont know what to say" so i said i love you..

..i still do

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Thursday, October 30th, 2003
11:31 pm
This week has been quite hectic.. Tonight was the homecoming parade/game.. I went to the parade with Christa. Christa's so fucking amazing.. she's really great. [she broke up w/ her bf tonight and started to cry, it made me want to cry] I love you Christa! Then, Rachel showed up high with Jada. I tried to tell her I was disappointed but she brought up my past and I didn't want to get into it with her. So, she gets pissed and walks off.. I hear she's looking for me. I find her.. she talks to me for a second and walks off. i spent 15 minutes just trying to find her..Then I find her later and she's kissing this nasty guy.. which she wont remember. I walk her out, sit with her. My ride shows. I get into the car, making sure she's walking to get picked up. I get back out of my car and make sure she makes it from one curb to the other. kiss her on the cheek goodnight. Go back to my car, get in.. and waited for her ride to show. Then got home and called her.. just to make sure she was "okay.." All this, she will not remember..but at least I remember, so that I can fill her in this weekend.. Tomorrow is Tuckers house.. I dont know who's taking me yet..then sunday is sleep and checking up on rachel.. What am I supposed to do with this mess? I love my friends but often times their problems weigh me down.. I don't know what to do anymore..

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Wednesday, October 29th, 2003
10:11 am - This week / tonight
Yeah, this whole week I have been working on the 9th grade float with a couple of friends. It looks pretty good :).. I've met a lot of cool people and got to know people I have already known..Like Christa Pohorence, she's really cool. And Missy came tonight and she was great as always, same for cass and jenna and chelc.. But then tonight [you know they had to do it] some peasly bitch had to ruin my night and my experience! She had to get in my face, had to cuss at me, had to PISS ME OFF!! Then the bitch didnt want to fight, she had to call her SENIOR SISTER! who was supposedly going to "kick my ass" to come fight me.. Then the sister or the girl never came, they just left. Pussy bitches, I'm telling you. I'm a calm person but two things you wont ever be allowed to do: get in my face, touch me.. anything else I am cool with. I guess I'll just have to handle it later ;-).. I'll leave you with a couple of quotes..

I hear you from inside, you're laughing the way you do when I'm not there. And you know me, I'll wait around. I'm standing outside now, no one's around.. it's so cold that my lips are numb. I'll sit on the front steps and wonder if I'll completely freeze out here. I think maybe I should just get up and drive away...

Things cant be perfect all the time, that I know.. sometimes we just have to let some things go, I promise I'll stop now..

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Thursday, October 23rd, 2003
5:48 am
I don't know what I want out of this time that I've been spending with my ex best friend.. Maybe I want to patch up what I couldn't patch up before. I think I help her so much and that she's better because of me, but she's better despite me. I can't do anything for her that she couldn't do herself, but I try. Half the time I have no idea why I try, why I care.. and neither does anyone else. I want to save her, to make her realize she's everything that everyone else isn't. She's going to be something great one day, and it won't be because I helped her it'll be because she realized she needed to help herself. I'm going to the game tonight and she'll be there, she won't talk to me, I know this already. We're both too immature for such conflict, and both have enough problems of our own. I don't know why I love her so much.. maybe it's because she thinks I'm sarcastic and isn't afraid to make me look like an ass in front of other people because of my sarcasim, or the way she doesn't like my shoes.. or because she helps me, I want to be better when I'm around her. There's no doubt in my mind that she can help me become who I want to be.. a better person

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Tuesday, October 21st, 2003
10:15 am
Yeah, so nothing's happened lately.. Today I went to Latin club and watched Rachel tye-dye a toga. I was there for her considering the fact that I didn't have anything to do, but it didn't seem like she knew that I was actually there for her. She's getting really skinny, I'm sort of scared.. Whenever I'm around her I tell her I love her like 20 times, and I still feel like I don't say it enough. Today I skipped only one class. Cassie and I skipped N.O.W again.. Then tomorrow I might skip Algebra.. who knows. I'm so tired of school already, but meeting up with Cody and hanging out is pretty cool. I just remembered I have a quiz in Latin, I haven't studied.. ugh. I fell asleep at 6 and didn't wake up until 9:30, now I'm not tired.. I have nothing else to write about.

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Saturday, October 18th, 2003
6:14 am - The weekend
This Friday, I turned in early so nothing really happened. Then on Saturday I had planned on going to the movies with Rachel. I went, waited, and she didn't show up.. So I sat in the theater alone and watched The Texas Chainsaw Masacre. Well, not entirely alone, Nic was there with Jeff, Adam, and JR. It was a good movie, and a good night, but she should've been there like she said she would be. I tried to call, it's busy. And it hardly seems worth it, getting all mad about her not showing up when I didn't show up last weekend? Plus I really can't afford to lose her, she means a lot to me. This year is a great year with her, compared to a really terrible year without her. I enjoy being around her, and knowing that she doesn't like my shoes.. ha.. Yeah, I'm ready for school tomorrow. I'm ready to see Alyssa again, and I'm not quite sure who owes who a note.. but I get to walk her to Geometry.. fun day tomorrow, hopefully a good week..

xCx

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Saturday, October 11th, 2003
4:56 am - No more..
We went to the ends of the earth just to prove it was round..
We drank the night away til we finally fell to the ground
We’ve been to and through hell and I’m not scared of that sound
But when you got on that plane you lost any privlages with me that you’d want now

There will be no more
Sleeping in til 2 or 3 [calling me]
Shooting up watching shooting stars
Late night watch cars go by and the scars you gave me that are still there now

And we were stuck on the urge to feel alive
but now I'm struggling to survive
You come and go as you please with you’re lies
But now I’m tired of trying to be nice..
I’m keeping my cool, I’m doing better in school
I’ve stoped my wishful thinking, my stupid drinking, I’ve stopped missing you

There will be no more
Sleeping in til 2 or 3 [calling me]
Shooting up watching shooting stars
Late night watch cars go by and the scars you gave me that are still there now

The sky is falling, I’m not counting on you to save me now
The stars are burning, but I’m not yearning for you now..
The road is calling my name, there’s nothing to hold me here now..

There will be no more
Drinking til 2 or 3, you calling saying you miss me [i bet.. i bet]
Smoking up, calling in sick again
Late night sneak attack tears the never seem to quit,
Knives that peirce or razors that slit...
There’s nothing to hold me here now...

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Wednesday, October 8th, 2003
8:01 am - Give me one more drink and I swear I think, I'll be ready to make the same mistakes..with you
..tonight I told my mom about my depression I don?t know if she didn?t believe me or didn?t care but she looked at me in such a way that told me that that issue wasn?t going to or shouldn?t be addressed. This was difficult.. it took me so long to find the words ?Mom, I haven?t been happy? what can I do now? I obviously cannot be happy alone. ?You have a chemical imbalence? fill me with pills, bleed me dry, I just want to smile. So where do I go from here? I bring everyone down... I can?t keep drinking to fill this space that isn?t full, something?s wrong. When I drink, i do such stupid things. I taped my wrist the other night when I drank, I must have passed out..when I woke up it looked like the tape had over 100 slash marks. I just remember thinking that I?m glad it wasn?t my wrists because rachel might?ve saw it and I?ve been trying so much no to upset her, but I cant do anything right with her lately. I even ask her how she is the wrong way. She has her own problems, I want to help her, to hug her- make her happy. She said she?s tried to call- I haven?t recieved these calls and feel like even if I had then she wouldn?t have told me what was wrong anyways. I want to be there, i want her to talk to me but she angers me sometimes. And I love her but I?ve screamed such awful things and thought awful things. I know I disappoint you, I know I?m not as smart as you, I know I cant FAKE happiness as well as you but stop being a bitch! I want to show her this, I might- I want to believe in God. This is all that has happened. I?ll write more when I can.

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