The shadows
  whycut - (amongtheashes)
 
12:59pm 07/09/2008  
  Hey everyone,
I'm writing here today because I had a relapse. After 3 years...wow. I can't even believe that it's true. I just had to write about it...because I can't tell anyone I know. My husband knows that I used to cut, but he thinks that it was just a teenage angst, emo thing. What he didn't know was that I practiced SI in different forms ever since I was 10 years old. He would never accept that it's just a part of who I am. Maybe that's ok...but I still just want to hide it...for now. If I am careful, he never has to know. I don't think the thought that the cuts are self inflicted would even cross his mind.

Anyway...I have been relatively happy over the past 3 years...but the past months have brought a lot of stress and difficulty. A lot of family issues, money issues, school issues, work issues...STRESS! I have always thought that my time for the razor blade would come again...I just didn't know when....it's like it's part of me...and I can never completely let it go. Over the past month..I have seriously considered cutting. And then...one day when I was at home alone... I decided to take a razor apart. My heart was beating SO fast and all these thoughts were going through my head...So I did it. 3 small cuts on my arms, near my elbow, so as not to look too conspicuous. That was a about a week and a half ago. It was so different than what I remembered...I mean...in some ways. It was mostly the way I felt during and after. I used to be very upset when I cut...but this time...I was just calm...and somewhat excited about the anticipated relief. Also, after I was done...I simply felt...relief. No guilt, no reprimands, no regrets. The relief was great...and when it was done...it was done. I took care of them...put my blade in a safe place...got ready for work and had a great day. Then...2 days ago...I was feeling like shit, and had so many demands on me...so I cut again. This time 2 longer and deeper cuts. One on my leg, the other on my arm. My husband hasn't noticed them yet...I've been careful to conceal them. I figure...if they go a couple more days before he notices...I can say they were from playing with the cat. The experience with these cuts was similar to the first series. I was calm and guilt-free. I again had a pretty good day after bleeding...but still felt a little under the weather. I am not sure how I am going to handle this, though. Will I become how i was before?? Will I have to cut to get through the day? Will I have to constantly lie, like I have before?? I want none of these things. But I want all of these things. *sigh* I want to just throw the razor blade away...and never think about cutting again. But when I consider throwing it away...something stops me from following through. What if I need it? What if it becomes too much? What if I just need a little tiny boost? It can't be that bad...can it?

The fact is...this is who I am. This is how I handle stress. I have to truly accept it. Once I do...maybe I can tell my husband. I really think it's silly how happy he makes me...how much I love him and myself when we're together...yet I can't let go of this one thing when we're apart. And I know how much it would hurt him to find out...but I also know that he would be supportive and he would want me to get help. I. don't. need. help. I stopped by myself before, with years in between...I can do it again. The last thing I would ever want is to be medicated - I have no objections to therapy...but if medication is mentioned, I'd walk out. Maybe that's what I'm afraid of. I don't want to change myself in that way. I want to be me. I consider myself a writer...I write poetry, songs and sometimes stories...and I feel that I get so much inspiration from the broken child locked inside, and it projects itself in such a calming and refreshing way. The darkness, I call it. I have grown up...and have learned that leaving things behind is the only way to advance. But I have also learned that those things will always be there. I make the best out of them. If I'm not me anymore...if I have no more darkness...what will I write about?

Well, sorry for the long and rambling post. I needed it!

Thanks <3
Alicia

P.S. BTW, some of my writing is posted in my journal, if you wanna check it out.		  
     
I know you're stalking me
 
no subject
  noxassociationx
 
12:19pm 03/09/2008  
 
mood: tired
no improvement on my sleep habits yet.		  
     
I know you're stalking me
 
no subject
  ana_recipes - (cheeriness)
 
12:08pm 02/09/2008  
  Name/Nickname : Hayley
Age : 20
Current Weight : 130
Heighest Weight : 140
Lowest Weight : 119
Goal Weight : 100
Favourite Low Cal Food : apples		  
     
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no subject
  yourestarvingme - (cheeriness)
 
01:40am 02/09/2008  
  today i ate a sandwich and a pot noodle which is 886 calories. i've lost like 4 pounds in two days. need to keep it up, it's hard when the people i'm staying with love kfc and there's loads of fast food round here, and i don't even know where the supermarket is because i've never been here before. but i'm eating fruit only tomorrow!  
     
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phil-up the cup with water!
  noxassociationx
 
11:45pm 31/08/2008  
 
mood: bored
time fucking flies.
i hate being jealous of things.
i'm really glad that phil and i have gotten closer recently.
i need long-sleeved dresses. good thing my mom is taking me shopping tomorrow.		  
     
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I WANT TO FUCKING SLEEP FOR 5 DAYS STRAIGHT
  noxassociationx
 
08:33pm 29/08/2008  
 
mood: tired
why is it that im ALWAYS fucking tired? i wake up tired, feel tired all day and night, then i can't get to sleep until 1 or 2. and i wake up anywhere between 8 and 10, usually. i should be sleeping until fucking noon. what is wrong with me?
school starts in 4 days. the thought of it makes me want to punch an old person.
on the plus side, i really like my haircut.
im a psycho who blows things out of proportion sometimes. but that's just me and im glad he can deal with it.
im constantly insecure lately and i dont know why. i feel so fucking down about everything....and it doesn't help that im tired all the time. i hate that i get so annoyed, frustrated and mad about stupid shit. OISHDFSGFN. i don't think that school is going to help. maybe it will help me sleep more since ill be getting up early 3 times a week. maybe ill actually get so exhausted that ill fall right to sleep.
there are so many things in this world and about people that make me angry and i wish i just didn't think about it all or didn't fucking care so much. i turn myself into a mess.		  
     
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hair help
  yourestarvingme - (i_amlaurr)
 
01:58am 29/08/2008  
  i need some advice on what i should do to strengthen my hair. i'm losing weight, but i'm also losing hair volume and i'm concerned about the amount i brush out after showering. help pleeease? what should i do?  
     
2 Stalkers| I know you're stalking me
 
mahh ha!
  noxassociationx
 
11:05pm 26/08/2008  
 
mood: contemplative
sunday was grammy's birthday party and it was at jamie's house. it wasn't as bad as family parties usually are. i talked a lot to jamie and aunt elaine. i like them both a lot. they're fun to talk to. it's nice to finally feel like i'm being talked to like an adult.
i had fun on my date with katie sunday night. we went to this cute coffee shop that we both like a lot and talked about our boyfriends and other people and school. twas fun. shes fun to talk to and hang out with.
yesterday i spent the day with anthony. i got a new chuck palahniuk book to read from the library.
today i wasted an entire afternoon home because i had to wait for my new tv stand to be delivered. they were supposed to be here between 1 and 5. they showed up at 5:20. ::smacks self in head::
im excited for my birthday. im excited to go to NYC. i really hope i'm able to go to salem on halloween. i've always wanted to be there on halloween. i want it to be autumn, but i don't want to go to school and i don't want it to eventually be winter. it's going to suck driving in the snow since im commuting now. i guess snow days will mean more to me once again.
i was on a writing kick the other night. i kept getting inspired and wrote some lyrics. i really should work more on my blog articles and that story i was writing and all the other stories/novels i plan on writing, but never work on. i suck at being a writer. how can i achieve anything when im so damn lazy? it's like i have no drive to work, but i still want all these things to happen. they're not going to happen unless i do something. i suppose it's the procrastinator in me. "i have 3 years! i'll do it....eventually." I always write my papers the night/morning before. will I do that with everything in my life? will I ever grow up and do things in a timely manner instead of waiting for those agonizing late night writing frenzies?		  
     
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  stalker_bitch