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Saturday, April 5th, 2003
yay for a private journal
ok weird. someone has "sstarz37"... and the username is samantha. the email, is sstarz37. i never made a journal on blurty before. that's fuckin weird. yeah, well nicole made me this..and that's a good thing. i need a journal to vent on.. especially because this week has driven me across the edge. i don't even know, i've never felt so broken, so useless, so.. empty. if i disapeared from the earth right now.. it wouldn't matter, at all. and that's sick. it's sick that i even think like that. i don't think things like that, i don't know what's wrong with me. on the way home before.. i was listening to a cd that mike mccarthy made me in 9th grade, and listening to those songs made me remember the memories. i miss that so much.. i was always so happy then. like nothing mattered, i didn't give a shit what anybody thought of me, and i'd do anything to make myself happy. now it's like, where are all my friends? i know lisa and sara were bitches, and probably weren't true (actually not probably, who am i kidding) but at least they stood by me thru ANYTHING. they would never be interested in the kid i've been infatuated with, they'd never choose sides in petty fights, they'd always be up for having a good time. i don't know why i crossed over. i thought this change was for the better, i was almost convinced. but right now, i'd do anything to be "baby spice" again. i wish i never met chris testa, i wish i never met nick or any of them. because who can i actually rely on now?
1:11.. make a wish. ha.. i wish my wish wasn't so far-fetched and so fucking un-attainable.
not sure yet
ok, if i only knew why i was so nervous. i just got off the phone with lori.. she gave me the thorough details with what happened last night. especially between them. she said i have nothing to worry about, he didn't look at her like he looked (or as she said looks, but w/e) at me. it's eating me away, i wish i just knew how to fucking say goodbye. tonight i made plans with chris amato, b/c they got so destroyed last week.. but lori invited me to dan's party. now i'm in another predictament. i hate breaking plans with people, but i'd so much rather go to this party. which would make me happier though? i'm not sure.. lori would do anything to make me happy. she told me about all the time she almost said something to her last night, or when my name was mentioned almost did something. but, i'm really glad she didn't. but still, i know she's almost always there, and especially in silly times like these. i'm grateful to her for that. i had a really really weird dream last night.. i think it derived from me talking to anton. anton is really great, he has such a good personality and i can talk to him for hours on end. i wish i could have feelings for him, it would make my life so much easier. but anyways, my dream. dan from rocky point invited everyone in the music dept. to his "sweet 18", so we all went, but it was too late, it was already over. so we all just hungout there, and people were filling out college applications. then my dad called me because he found a beer bottle in my room, and i blamed it all on chris. then i was sleeping on my couch, and dustin was there. sooo weird. dustin has been talking to me a lot more lately, saying he misses me and stuff. i wish i just had feelings for him, too. but nothing compares. i'm in such a strange mood, i think these pancakes have gotten to my brain. mm ihop..