SugardSpice

2:22am: The start of something new...
I start overnight again tomorrow night. ALways have loved overnights but now it's even better. I am working only 4 days a week. Isn't that fan-fucking-tastic? I think so.
I am so in love. Soo afraid of this. I do not want to get hurt. I do not want to get hurt (yes, twice. Once telling you, once telling me)
So happy for the fist time in a long time. Like, when he looked over to me out of the blue and said, you know what? I love you. No reason, no rhymes, no bullshit. No drama. -sigh- Can things get any better than this? I don't think so.
I love him. That's all for now.

3:06am: Chance...
As some of you may know, my sugar gliders had babies! On Saturday (13th)two little joeys came out of pouch! We were so excited! (well, I was excited yet sad, b/c I had emergency surgery that day so missed it!) I got home from the hospital Sunday and stayed over at my mom's that night. Monday I came home and saw the babies! Only one was actually out, and it was SO cute! With its' eyes still closed and making the little baby sounds. He was perfect. That night after watching a video, Eddie and I were getting ready for bed. I went over to the cage to say goodnight and noticed one baby was on the floor of the cage. Knowing this meant the mother had rejected the joey I crossed my fingers and handed the little guy (the size of my pinkie) to Babygurl the mother. Babygurl passed the joey off to Trouble who took him all the way to the top of the cage (about 4 ft up) and dropped him back onto the ground. I screamed. I cried. I cursed. The baby was alive! I grabbed him out of the cage and then my night began.
We called emergency vets, and looked online, and soon found out what we would need to do to raise this little baby. Eddie made an incubator out of a box, a heating pad, and some towels. He got some Kitten Replacement Milk and a syringe (w/out needle) and we began feeding him every hour. He did good and as I lay feeding him I said "please god, just give him a chance" Thus his name was born- Chance. I finally couldn't stay awake any longer and I slept at 6am. Eddie woke me that afternoon with news that when he woke up at 8am Chance hadn't made it. Again I cried. I screamed. I cursed. I had tried so hard. We put him with his little sleeping blanket and a nice small box and buried him. He was 2 days old.
I haven't really wanted to see the other baby. Tonight however, I couldn't help myself. I reached in and scooped him up... his eyes are open. He ran up and down my hand, and then peed on me (something his father is famous for). He's healthy and bouncy and really cute. I miss Chance though. I haven't named the other baby. Maybe someday soon something will come to me, but not yet.
♥ To all of my friends ♥ I am sorry I haven't called or emailed. I am probably going to be off work for about another week recovering. I would like to talk about what happened but I will save that for another post. It's 3am, I am taking my antibiotics and going to sleep!
♥One more thought...♥ To everyone who visited me in the hospital... thank you. Especially to my mom (a new myspacer) for taking care of me. I love you. And thank you Eddie for helping, cleaning, listening, loving, and being mine! I love you. Both of you two mean the world to me.

9:05pm: Hello
More news... the baby sugar gliders are wonderful. One is fully out of pouch and roaming around. It is as big as my thumb (a little smaller than a Bic lighter), and is so cute when I hold it!
This last Friday I had a gall bladder attack b/c I have gallstones. This attack was horrible and I ended up going to the Emergency Room (again) and less than 24 hrs later (in the ER) I was going to have emergency surgery. Now, I am minus a gallbladder, and feeling much better. My tummy is SO sore.
that's basically all thats been up... more later

12:50pm: From work..(last night)
(while at work)
Something's wrong in my mouth...
Have you ever tried the new chocolate skittles? They are disgusting. I am sitting at my cubicle eating them right now, and although I am chomping away they seriously need help. I go to the vending machine like 3 weeks ago and see wow! new chocolate skittles. Maybe they are like M&M's or like the elusive Sixlets (remember those?)! These could be good! I push in my .65 cents and out comes my treat. The package promises 5 to-die-for flavors in: S'mores, Vanilla, Chocolate Caramel, Chocolate Pudding, and Brownie Batter. I pop one in my mouth and- ....They all taste the same. Exactly like tootsie rolls- except for the s'mores one which has this lingering aftertaste of fluff (the marshmallow shit in a jar). I eat 1/2 a small bag with one of my coworkers before putting them in my drawer. I'm not sure why I do this since, I don't really like them at all, but feel bad for just throwing them out. Cue today sitting at my cubicle with no lunch, b/c honestly I didn't have time, and I am eating this dreaful things, and bitching about them all the while. My tummy has stopped rumbling- mission success. My mouth tastes like chaulky chocolate fluff. I need to drink something!
Once more with feeling...
There are some feelings that you cannot share with anyone, not even the ones you love. I love Eddie, and today is our anniversary. We have been together for 4 months now- and while I cannot say it's been 100% perfection and bliss, we definately make a phenominal couple. I love being with him! I had strep throat last week and he stayed in bed with me for four days watching movies, and being miserable... but being with me. I don't know many... or any... people that would do that for me. He drew me baths, and cooked me supper and really showed me that he cares about me. Things are looking up, and I am happy. The only problem lies in the fact that he doesn't have a job. He gets so down about it, but hasn't really applied himself into looking. I love him so much, and we.. click. I wish there was more conversation though, we talk, but I want him to want to know about ME. To know about my past, what I want in my future, to feel the need to know everything about me.
Our Family Keeps Growing...
I have two sugar gliders. That was last post... I now have two sugar gliders (Trouble the male, and Babygurl the female) and Babygurl is pregnant. We think she is carrying two joeys in her pouch, but we won't be sure until they come OOP- Out of Pouch. They have their own little family now! I will post some pics when they come OOP. Then we have Steph's (my sis) two ferrets Bonnie and Clyde. They are cute, but stinkie! We also had a cockatiel bird ("Bird") but sadly he flew away when a huge wind knocked in my screen on my bedroom window. We didn't realize it until about 2-3 hours later, so she was long gone by then. We now have two more animals to add to our little party- a painted turtle ("Michaelangelo") and -my fav- a brown river snake ("Todd"). Todd is beautiful, we took him to a reptile store to make sure that is what species snake he is, and found out that Todd is a girl... so now we are thinking of new names. That's our little tet so far... although I am sure that we will have more soon. Plus all the drifters that have stayed with us: Max, Paula, Paul, Alfy, Joe. and the exes that have lived with us: Sam, Jake, Josh (steph's list), Sonny, Joe (my list). WoW.
I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all...
Yesterday was misery. Yesterday I wanted to crawl into a little hole and never come back out again. Yesterday. How could I possibly explain to Eddie what yesterday was? there were no words to even describe it. Yesterday was June 8th.

6:26pm: Hello All..
Haven't been on here in forever and of course, so much has happened. (not really...but still) I work as a pharmacy technician at a very large pharmacutical distribution center to nursing homes, assisted living homes, and respite homes. (<--- for you knifeman).
My mind is curiously blank and somehow I cannot start to write. Maybe next time... Everything is kind of on a rocky ground right now.

6:55pm: I just... need to write. Need to get my thoughts out before I shut down completely. Eddie and I are unofficially engaged. It sparks a hope in me that I haven't had in a long time. So here are my thoughts...-forewarning of being discombobulated and random- I know Eddie's been engaged twice before. I wondered what happened? Did he leave her? Did he get his heart broken? Does he still have feelings for any of them. It sounds ridiculous, b/c I know he is with me now. I'm just suddenly to the point of tears at the thought that maybe he'll leave me. Maybe he will get sick of my ass and we won't work out. The more logical thoughts are that he loves me, he wouldn't be here if he didn't. He wouldn't take the time to propose and do all the little things that he does if he wasn't serious about us. But fear empowers everything else and uncontrollably my heart jumps into my throat at the thought of us not being together. It's too soon, I think. Maybe he doesn't know everything about me yet, maybe he will find something that he doesn't like... maybe his feelings will change.
God I hope not. I don't think I could go through another heartbreak. As any reader of this blog knows, I almost didn't make it through the last one. I didn't make him propose though, it's b/c he wants to be with me. He loves me, and if that love is strong enough we can make it through anything. I believe in us. Why this fear? My past is haunting me. Both of my previous engagements have ended horribly. One just stopped loving me one day- no reason, no explaination. It just ended. The second beat the shit out of me, almost to the point of going to the ER. and while I know Eddie would never lay a hand on me, I can't help but worry about him just one day falling out of love with me. Why? Why would I even think this? I am so head-over-heels for this boy it's not funny. Just having him here with me makes every shitty moment of my day fade away.
I love him. I know I will love him forever. He is the one for me. This is it, I'm free falling with nothing but air to catch me. And although it scares the shit out of me I am going to love him with ALL of me, and not worry about getting a broken heart. I will give 100% into this relationship, b/c I know in my heart that this is where I am supposed to be.
Sorry for the mini-breakdown. I just have a fear of losing something that I love so much.

6:53pm: i suck
I am a procrastinator in everything I do. Something to work on I guess. I've put off cleaning my room all day. It is horrible b/c it still has a whole bunch of clothes from Eddie moving in with me. This just sucks. Damn... I have so much more to write about, but I'm trying to be good and not put it off any longer. Will write later.
I am so fucking happy today that at one point Eddie looked over at me and was like, Baby you're so bouncy today... who put the quarter in you? I don't even know what sparked it, I am just in an incredibly good mood. -sigh- thank God.

9:41pm: while he's in the shower...
this blog will probably be kind of short, Eddie takes like 2 minute showers, and I want to go to sleep after he's out. Not too much to write about. We had Steph's birthday party on Saturday and then tonight was mine and Eddie's anniversary. We didn't do anything special or anything, but I did have his mom over for the first time ever and we met. I cooked dinner and she seemed really nice. She even brought me flowers. I've never had that happen.
For some reason I was a ball of nerves before meeting her. I was so fucking scared she wasn't going to like me that I almost had a breakdown a couple of times. Eddie said she liked me though, so I guess everything is cool. I was just so nervous. I really do love Eddie and to think about meeting his mom when he's told her that I am "the one" just sent me over an edge. I was freakin. It turned out to be great though, and I am glad she seems like one of those moms that I can get along with and really like.
Eddie makes me feel... and not to sound like one big cliche... complete. We don't really do anything a lot, but that's b/c we're both broke for right now... but even just sitting around doing nothing I am completely happy. He seems to CARE. Really care. I don't even know how to explain it. I lay in bed with him and right before I drift off the only thing that runs over and over in my head is that this is how it's supposed to be. It's supposed to be like this. I hold onto this feeling b/c I want for this to be "the one" so bad. He seems like he really gets me, and he WANTS to know more about me. He's up to try anything no matter how strange or kinky (?) it may be... he loves me... and tells me all the time.

sorry... went on a sappy binge there. I can;t wait for summer... I need to start working out again and I'm thinking of taking the fitness center at school. Lose weight, and it makes me much more calm when I am working out regularly. I dunno. We'll see, maybe he would even wanna come with me. Who knows? I know Steph would want to but she is never serious about any of that and it pisses me off that she will sign up and pay money just to fuck around and not be serious about getting into shape but then bitch when her clothes aren't fitting right. Y'know?
Okay, he's out now... so I guess this is it for right now... I'm happy... for once in a long time.

Until next time... ...the SAGA continues.

1:39pm: fucked up with everything
Right now I am sitting with Chris and Eddie while Chris draws some shit and Eddie is smoking a cig. Eddie is being retarded right now. Yesterday I worked 18 hours straight, which may not seem like a lot but there's an hour drive in and out. Not much has been going on at all. Maybe I should just make this one of those icon blogs. It seems to express everything I am feeling without going into it all.....

6:34pm: No longer alone... ...for now.
Again I am so glad that I have something like this to write in.
I have someone. Someone who wants to be a part of my life. He's so different, and for once I feel like this is real. That this could really work out, and that I can make it work. His name is Eddie, and he is a sweetheart. He's funny and sweet and passionate and horny (always horny. thank you god!). It's more than that though, it's like he gets me. It actually scares the shit out of me, but I am trying to calm my nerves, and be optimistic about everything.
I have so much to say.. yet strangely I get on here, and somehow I just don't know what to say. I'm falling. It's that freedom plunge, where your stomach is in your throat and the wind is whipping your body. You can't help but grin... and somehow, even falling so fast you know that everything will be okay. That's how I feel right now- he seems to genuinely care- and I haven't had that in a long time. -sigh-
I feel like I should run away from this for fear of getting hurt... and in the past I have run... but this time I think I want to stick around and see where this goes.

7:16pm: can't breath
Sorry, tonights just one of those nights. I don't want to close my eyes for fear of being alone. I wish so badly I could have someone- anyone- to be here with me to take some of the pain away and make my mind here and now just forget... I wouldn't want to forget... maybe just put it at the back of my mind for a little while. I am so alone.
I don't know if anyone who will read this has ever lost anyone close to them. I mean, sure people have lost granfathers, aunts, maybe a friend.. as have I. Somehow this is just different. Everything seems to be going great, everything isn't as bad as it was even a mere week ago.
Sometimes it just hits me. I'll be sitting at my cubicle, in the car, in my bed.. and it's as though I've been suckerpunched. I lose all the air in my lungs and the only thought running through my mind is I can't believe he's actually gone. Everyone thinks I am so much better, and what they don't realize is that I've just gotten better at hiding everything. I push myself into these horrible impossible relationships that can't end good so that I don't run the risk of getting hurt like that again. No one sees it. With Joe I even used the word love on here, but the truth is that I never loved him. God, how could I? I still feel like my heart is shattered and still the peices are loving the one person I beyond a doubt cannot have. Tonight I sit listening to our music. LIstening to these songs, remembering the good times and trying not to cry.
I honestly believe that I've had my chance at love. For those of you who ARE reading this, I don't need sympathy or pity, as I've said before writing is my escape, I don't expect any comments, that why I write in my anonymous place. For once I would like to find a guy who is worthy of that word. Who could look at me in my eyes and honestly say "you are not just a fuck, and you ARE good enough to be my girlfriend." I think I would die! I've been getting too much of that lately, not like they actually say that to my face but I pretty much get the point.
God I want to run away from my problems.. only all of my problems are in my head. Don't call the padded rooms yet, I'm in love with a ghost. God, I love him. I just want to go and find that special quiet place that no one can disturb me. That one place where nothing matters, no one exists- not even you. You don't have to worry about tomorrow, or adult things. it's just... nothing. I've gotten to this place two ways before. Working out (elipticals i love them!) after 2miles... and getting Tat'ed- in that pain you lock onto this peacefull silence where the pain shimmers away and you're left with it- nothing. I need that right now... and I can't go to the gym, and no money for a tat... so I guess sleep is my answer. My next tat is going to be dogtags with his name DOB and DOD. God, I need that silence... even in my head... just quiet. Anyone understand????
Goodnight.. I need to sleep and dream.

Until next time... (I promise will be more upbeat, I just can't stop thinking of him)... the saga continues.

11:03pm: hmmm dooo doooo dooooooooooo
I don't have much time for this blog. I figure that I can hopefully push this one out, but it's really late and I need to get up for work in like 3-4 hours. This weekend was amazing and horrible at the same time. I don't even know where to begin. Friday night I met Unit and Shawn (matt's friend and cuz) and we stayed up late, I got Tay drunk, played a kick ass game of Spades and had fun. I took Tay home, came back and had to go on a mission with Shawn and Unit. We went for more alcohol and smokes (I was sober), it was like 6am and we just turned onto Ridge Rd. (like 3-4 blocks from my house) when my car slid into a ditch. After trying to get it out by two different people we gave up and a cop drove us home (the boys were drunk so it was kind of funny). We got the Tracker and then went back out, getting all the shit and coming home. We drank and then went to bed at like 8am, when I got up my parents came over and we went out to get my car. Unit, Matt, Steph, Nick, Shawn, and my parents all were helping. My mom saw the hickey I got and was nonplussed about it, but luckily she didn't see his, they are way worse than mine. So Matt gets into his car and turns it around to block traffic so my dad can pull my car out with his F350 and Matt slows down passing us with his hazards on when this BITCH hits him going 50mph. It was the scariest thing, I saw it right in front of me, and the shock made me freeze up. Matt had to go to the ER, we got my car out, he has a concussion, but is okay. He's really sweet for my sister, and I'm glad they are together.
Unit now wants to go with us to Florida, which we are going at the end of this month!!! Max and Amber I cannot wait to see you both!!!!!! It's cool with me if he goes, he is... a sweetheart.
So Sunday night Matt, Steph, and I go to the parents house and as we are coming home in a white-out we get to the road right off Ridge next to my subdivision and we SLIDE off the road into a ditch again. TWICE IN TWO DAYS. Jesus. I was pissed. Mom and Dad to the rescue again, and after that we went home. Unit came over and we chillaxed watching movies all night. I took Monday off b/c the fucking snowplows didn't come, so there was no way of even getting to the highway and the roads were icey as fuck. I was pissed (again).
Today I chilled, did laundry, and read this insane book Twilight. I'm now on the second book and cannot put it down. I need to go to bed, I just wanted to put this out here real quick before too much time passed and I forgot about it. I hate the winter and cannot wait to go to Florida. I was seriously thinking about staying out there and working with Max and just sending money home to my sis, but then I would have to quit Omni and I don't want to do that. I like my job!
Right now everything is cool though, I'm not dating and just kind of focusing on myself so I can get everything together. I figure too many assholes are out there and until I find someone (or maybe have already found) who won't fuck me over I might as well just play the chill part for right now. I posted some pics for Max and Amber!! Snow days... just looking at the pics should make you guys cold!!!

Much love... Until next time...

5:13pm: What Women Want...
(before reading this I would highly suggest reading the blog before this so you know where my mood is)
Qualifications to even begin dating:
*around my age (I'm 24)*
*have own car ( i will no longer be a fucking taxi... my car IS yellow.. but I'm not getting paid)*
*have a job. Or at least is actively looking for job*
That's like the staples. The beginning foundation before we even get started.
What I want:
don't take me for granted
if you want to be with me than act like it
teach me something... anything. It shows you want to be active in my life.
I am an affectionate person... I want a guy who is too
Someone who will make me laugh. Seriously.
Spontanaity....Romance....Adventure
Someone who will touch me (not like that!) as I fall asleep (sucker for playing with my hair)
Reads... maybe draws... writes. (I don't expect love notes... I know better)
Someone who will look at me with the wonder in his eyes like he is 6 years old looking at his birthday presents
will call out of the blue just b/c he is thinking of me
cannot explain it other than this: I would rather get some daisies that he picked than any amount of red roses. It's the thought in the little things that matter most.
Honesty... monogamy -sigh, if only-

I'm simple really. I'm not bitchy and cannot tolerate the females that are controlling. I think most women are back stabbing lying conniving bitches who will do anything or say anything to get what they want. I don't get along with most women. As for the whole food and I don't care issue... normally it's like this: what do you want?? (me:) THIS sounds good what do you think? Or how about THAT?? Sometimes it's just "I don't care but not THIS" Y'know.. like I don't really have a taste for anything but am hungry.
I dunno. I am anti-drama. I am an exception to the women rule. I game damnit. I am kind of tom boyish in the fact that I know how to have a good time without worrying about my hair at that moment. I say what's on my mind and am not afraid of being alone. I'm an exception to the typical girl.

Gotta run.. feeling down.. I have a whole picture of the perfect guy that will never exist. I was emailing tay about it... i'll find it and post it here. Love to you all. Hope that maybe... probably not.... helped Mike. Mwaah, love to you!

4:49pm: My life and what's been up...
So.... I kinda fell in love with Joe. Let me tell you a secret... I fall in love way too easy. I lose my head and cannot think and go crazy. Friday- great night. Hang out with Joe and Tay (the Bestest friend) and her husband Jason. Of course there's always the Drama running high... like the 15 (kid you not) voicemails left from Joe's EX talking about how she took some pills and now she is scared and ODing (I'm not coldhearted... just seems a little too fishy) and then her neighbor calls saying he's taking her to the hospital and he says he doesn't care. She's a psycho bitch and doesn't know what the words Break Up mean. So we create our little motto "Fuck it, no Drama" and have a nice night playing cards and just hanging out.
Saturday.. we wake up and go four-wheeling with my mom. We stay out for 4 hours riding. We have so much fun, laughing and just having a perfect time together. We get done, meet up with my sister, Missy, Max, and his girl Amber and go to Slammers.. my bar. We get drunk come home and have a little alone time.
Sunday we go shopping for groceries. Quick note: Joe's Ex-wife was moving back into his dad's house where he lives so he's now coming to live with me. So, we go get some shit for him, and also buy a little gift for his son who's coming back into town with the exwife. We get home he talks to his son which was soooo cute, and then we put away groceries. He made dinner- homemade chicken enchiladas. They were awesome but after he had to borrow my car and go see his son. He kisses me goodbye and tells me he will see me in a bit, I work early in the morning so I fall asleep.
-today- When I wake up my car is home, but Joe isn't. When I'm getting dressed I see that his clothes are gone.
I call the crazy ex at 10am from work. He says he wants to be with her. Wants to come over and get the rest of his shit (including wallet). I tell him I want the money he owes me and he says he can maybe get it tomorrow. I tell him that's when he can get his shit... he gets mad. Yells=threatens=calls names=says he's coming to my house and WILL get in. I get home- more over-the-phone fighting and threats. I call the police. Yadda Yadda Yadda... give him his wallet back only. That's the only thing I have to give back-legally. I will never see my money- he doesn't care about anything but the wallet.
What I don't get about this all is- how do I lose? I'm a sweetheart and gave him everything- took him out on weekends- had road trips. She's nuts. Literally. Why would he want her? She's not prettier than me. This I know everyone says she's a "butter face". Why would you wanna be with someone that you constantly fight with and yell at and who rips your shirt off your back? (true story). Why?
Even more- why am I always the one getting hurt? I see these losers and think that maybe I can help them. My mom told me on the phone today that I have been going for two types of guys... 1. the bad ass or 2. the great party guy who is really an alcoholic. True. Cannot deny this claim, so instead I change the subject. Right.... I date losers. I'll admit it, something pulls me to these "lost souls" who get attached to me but are just plain no good. Fuck.
The heat is broke in my house... it's 52degrees. Double Fuck. I need more clothes on....

Until next time... the saga continues...

7:16pm: Big sigh
Everything took this gut dropping turn and I don't even know where to begin....


...I just can't right now....


Sorry guys. Just, Sorry

1:14pm: love note
I want to tell you that I love you so badly, but my tongue gets twisted inside my mouth-fighting me trying not to ruin what we have now. My mind knows that somehow everything would change with those three little words. My heart knows that if I don’t tell you soon that we will be done with each other and it will break again. Both are very protective- yet somehow I just can’t say it. Last night on the phone I almost did, I was almost to that point but the fear inside made my tongue numb, and I just couldn’t. What would you say to that? I can hear you from that one day on the phone, when I got that song for you and you got so excited that you said I love you. You paused I guess in shock, and I quickly changed the subject. I wonder what would I have said if I didn’t. Would you admit now to saying it then? Would you say it again?

I don’t know when it happened exactly. I can’t tell you a date when I first felt like my heart was going to explode when I saw you. I just remember one day looking over at you and forming the words on my lips and then being completely shocked that I almost said it. When I look at you or even at pictures of you I can feel it simmering below the surface of my emotions. You make me happy, but more than that now. I was perfectly happy with what we had, I wasn’t looking for love, I didn’t want to fall in love. I think that’s why I let everything happen. I figured that if you already had a girlfriend that it would never come to that. That I would ultimately protect my heart, but I don’t know what happened. One day I just fell, and I fell hard. I’m so afraid to tell you… I’m so afraid you won’t love me back or it won’t matter because of her.

When will I get the guts to tell you? Maybe soon… maybe the next time I see you. Yeah, maybe I can summon up the courage to tell you and just leap into this without losing my head. I love you… and I love this feeling. You make me crazy. When I’m with you I lose myself. Without you I find myself wanting to be lost again.



Love, S

1:08pm: the end
This is it. I am so scared… Today is December 31st, and this is the big day for me. I am tired of going around with a guy who has a girlfriend. I am tired of hearing that they are not together but she is still living there, I am tired of having him not talk to me when I call b/c she is there- even though they are supposedly broken up. I am tired of falling in love with someone who is with someone else. How did I get into this situation? Why did I get into this situation? I knew he had a girlfriend all along, it wasn’t this whole conspiracy or anything, I knew. I am such a bad person. I would like to say you can’t help who you love, but I should have kept him away- I shouldn’t have let him hang out without her- I shouldn’t have let him kiss me that night, or… anything else. For the most part I thought- who cares? She doesn’t deserve him b/c she is psychotic (and I not only say this b/c I want him- she is!) She gets mad at him and RIPS his shirt off. She gets mad at him for talking to other girls (who have BF’s like Stay-c) but then will go flirt with other guys. She’s crazy.

I’m talking about Joe. For the past month I have been seeing him, he even stayed at my house for like 5 days. We had so much fun. He makes me so fucking happy it’s unreal. Steph says that I shouldn’t be with him until everything is done with him and his girl. That’s when I decided. I invited him to spend the day with me tonight for New Years. It’s his choice of course- but after today if he says no- then I guess I know. I am scared shitless- but I need to know. What am I? Something on the side. Will that ever change? Will he ever actually get her out of his life? Does he love me too? He screwed up one day on the phone and said he did. I didn’t call him out on it or anything- but still. There’s just something about him that I absolutely love. I can’t help it. I always, and I do mean always, fall for the wrong guys. What is it about these people that make me fall so hard? Why? I wish I knew the answer. I wish I could stop myself and take an outside look and realize that some of these relationships are not worth it… some of these guys are just not right for me, before I fall for them. When I still have a chance of not getting hurt. I just don’t understand how I can keep making the same mistakes without seeing some kind of pattern.

A typical guy for me (based on previous relationships): Sexy, Badass (normally either a punk, or ghetto thug), loser-ish, no job (or no money), no car, still lives at home, has some kind of drama about him, makes me laugh (very important), likes to drink or does drugs (why I’m not sure… I don’t do drugs), cheap, and mostly assholes. I’ve dated a lot of different people… some good guys- Scott… uhm… Chris A… yeah… that’s about it. And some not so good guys: Joe (girlfriend), Mike (Alcoholic), James (Weird), Dave (girlfriend), Chris O (girlfriend), Mike (abuser), Steve (asshole), Jimmy (ghetto-thug pothead), Sonny (asshole-addict-fuckhead), TJ (girlfriend-fickle), Charlie (never there), Tim (asshole-booty call only type), Shaggy (jesus don’t get me started), Ege (asshole), etc etc etc. The list could go on and on and on and on. I just don’t know sometimes.

It’s 6am, and I am at work… my mind keep wandering to what I have to do today. What I should or should say to him, and more importantly if everything will be okay. I am just tired of getting hurt and maybe I am finally realizing that this is my life, this is for real, and I can prevent (well maybe not-but at least STOP) the pain and hurt I go through b/c of other people. I was fine not being with anyone and just dating around. Then Joe came into the picture. I lost my head. I fell head over heels, and I should have known better. Now I am not happy which is the beginning of the repetitious shit that is my life. God- all I do is bitch on this thing! AH! No more!

I am so bored at work. I wish I could just write on this all day and not really do anything- it’s New Years and everyone doesn’t want to do work though. Tonight I am supposed to be going to my mom’s house to party. My mom is actually really cool- she can be an oober bitch sometimes… but for the most part I like partying with her. She came over on Saturday and was partying-got drunk and was talking to my guy Mike. Mike made her say “in my crib” which was funny as shit. On Friday Mike, Steph, Max, and I went out to our favorite bar Slammers. We got super drunk and danced and met a bunch of new people and just had fun. I drank way too much tequila and seriously thought I was going to lose it in my car when my sister (steph) was driving home- but once I got home everything got better. Max and Mike spent the night- and Saturday we kind of just chilled all day until we had to go to my mom’s house b/c she bought a new TV (flatscreen-huge- $4,000) and we got her old huge screen TV and entertainment center. So we helped load it up and bring it over and set it up at my house. Mike had a lot of fun and basically talked to “Mom” all night. He downed a bottle of tequila and got drunk with her. After a while my mom and dad left, only to return with two Crave cases from White Castle b/c everyone was hungry. It was seriously the sweetest thing. Sunday I did nothing. Sat around, watched movies, and chilled with Mike (who wasn’t feeling well… maybe tequila isn’t really his friend). My sister and I got into a stupid fight and she punched a hole in my bedroom door. Isn’t that nice? My new house and everything was spanking new- and now there’s a fucking hole. She is buying me a new door, and she has already had to patch a hole in her wall. My sister is violent man. Seriously.

I fell asleep with Mike watching Superbad (a favorite of mine) at like 11pm and that’s why I’m so tired. Mike woke up and couldn’t find his keys- he was basically drunk all weekend and it’s no surprise he can’t find anything. I’ll have to look around when I get home. I have to finish putting everything into my entertainment center, but today have to go home and then go right away to clean Adam’s house (guy I used to baby sit for who got into a motorcycle accident so he’s been kind of out lately and has no one to help him)- for the first time, so it’s going to take awhile. He wants a “deep clean” which is cool b/c the longer I work and the better job I do the more money I will make. J Then hopefully home to clean up and then maybe nap? I’m not sure about that one- I know I have to talk to Joe today about everything that’s been going on and it HAS to be done today. Still not sure what I am going to say yet, but I know I am going to say something. This is definitely going to be a longer post, I feel like I haven’t written in forever, and it’s so much harder now to work 8 hours on a computer and then drive an hour home to get online again. I wish they wouldn’t have blocked this website- it really sucks. Especially since I have met so many cool people on here- I love talking to you all! It’s great to be anonymous and have no one know my past or anything about me but still understand where I am coming from. This site has always been used to vent and rant and my secret place that I could put everything down and have no one who knows me see it. It’s liberating. I don’t even know how many people read this- and no offense guys- but I don’t care. I started this journal way back in April 2003 just so I could have a special place to write down my thoughts where no one knew me. God, to have a journal for almost 5years now. And to keep it going- but what’s worse…I have a regular journal I write in too- like old school actually paper and pen (no one really writes anymore- kind of sad). I’ve had a journal since, well- I think since 1994. I love to write- I actually wanted- still want- to be a writer someday. I think maybe I could do it- especially children’s books. I like the work of Eric Carle (he wrote the Hungry Caterpillar)- I used to be a preschool teacher and the fact he did the art work and the story was always so cool to me. I draw too- I guess I’m pretty good at it, I’ve won competitions and everything- some for the State even. I stopped when I got out of high school though, it seems like I never have time. My mom used to draw too, she was fucking amazing at it, but now her eyes are not the greatest. She has Graves disease and a thyroid disorder, and her hands have something wrong with them- she says it feels like arthritis but is actually something that sounds like tequila something something. It’s bad, but she still plays video games!

I am a ball of nerves today. I don’t even know if I will get to talk to him. The problem is simple. I like him… a lot. Like, I’m starting to really fall for him, and that creates this whole drama. He says they are done, he broke up with her. Yet she is still living in his house- he says she is moving out “after the holidays” but I just don’t know. She acts like they are still together…he doesn’t. I don’t know who to believe and I want so badly to believe him, but on the other hand I don’t want to be played a fool. I am so confused and lost and just… -sigh- yeah. I leave work in a half an hour. I can’t wait to just block out everything and just focus on cleaning. Nothing else. I love that, to get focused on a job, completely lose yourself in your work and find the quiet inside your head. Ok, that sounded crazy- but think about it…everyone has one thing they do to calm them, to take their mind off of problems…mine is cleaning. It takes you to that place in your mind where nothing else matters except what you are doing. Well, it’s time to go get to that calm place. I’m outta here and on my way!



This song is one that me and Joe love. It’s just a song, but God sometimes it feels so true. What should I do?????

Lyrics to the song that kind of fits right now:

I been sittin' here staring
At the clock on the wall
And I been layin here praying
Praying she won't call
It's just another call from home
And you'll get it and be gone
And I'll be crying
And I'll be beggin you baby
Beg you not to leave
But I'll be left here waiting
With my heart on my sleeve
Oh for the next time we'll be here
Seems like a million years
And I think I'm dying
What do I have to do to make you see
She can't love you like me
Why dont you stay
Im down on my knees
Im so tired of being lonely
Don't I give you what you need
When she calls you to go
There is one thing you should know
We dont have to live this way
Baby why dont you stay
You keep telling me baby
There will come a time
When you will leave her arms
And forever be in mine
But I don't think that's the truth
And I don't like being used
And I'm tired of waiting
It's too much pain to have to bare
To love a man you have to share
Why dont you stay
Im down on my knees
Im so tired of being lonely
Don't I give you what you need
When she calls you to go
There is one thing you should know
We dont have to live this way
Baby why dont you stay
I can't take it any longer
But my will is getting stronger
And I think I know just what I have to do
I can't waste another minute
After all that I've put in it
I've given you my best
Why does she get the best of you
So the next time you find
You wanna leave her bed for mine
Why dont you stay
Im up off my knees
Im so tired of being lonely
You cant give me what I need
When she begs you not to go
There is one thing you should know
I dont have to live this way
Baby why dont you stay

Until next time… The dramatic saga continues…

6:05am: .
I am so lonely.
I'm drunk... just got back from Jen and Joe's birthday bash.
Lonely.

had all of these back entries saved so i could put them on here. it's harder now that I can't get on the fucking website while I'm @ work. But here's what's been going on...

6:04am: News on me.
New news…

So on Wednesday I had my first date with Mike. I picked him up (he won’t be getting his license back until 2017) in Matteson with Max and we drove home. We went to the liquor store, dropped Max off and then went to my house. It was a really fun night, we drank and played cards. He taught me how to play poker-big and little men. I whooped his ass, and that in itself was fun. We played Rummy, Gin, Poker, and Texas Hold ‘Em. He spent the night, and we stayed up until 6 in the morning playing cards, watching movies, fooling around, and drinking. We had so much fun, and I think I’m really starting to dig this guy. We slept and in the morning he pulled me close and snuggled with me. Didn’t help that my fan was on, and the window had been left open all night. I was freezing, my teeth were even chattering. I took him home which was closer than I thought, then got on the road again and called Max. I thanked him for being my friend and for having Mike and I meet. He said that he thinks Mike and I would really get along great, and that he’s a good guy.

Yesterday was Thanksgiving, after dropping Mike off I headed over to my parents house. It’s so weird going back there now that I don’t live there anymore. My dad bought my mom the new Rock Band video game so we had some fun playing that. Surprisingly my dad even got into it, and sang a song. I got a pic, it was priceless. During and after dinner we watched Live Free Die Hard, which was a great movie, but was unrealistic. I got home about 9:30 and went straight to bed.

Birthdays…

Joe and Jen’s was on Thanksgiving. I called them up and wished them Happy Birthday and she sounds so excited. She’s in love. I’m jealous.

Mike’s birthday is today. He’s not sure what he’s doing, but invited me out with his buddies when they go out to the bar. I’m on the fence about it. We’ll see.

Today…

At work now. Can’t wait until we get off. Stacy is coming home with us, we are going out tonight, and I can’t wait. That’s my big plans for right now. I am supposed to be calling our friends and asking them if they wanna go out with all of us tonight, but I haven’t had a chance to do anything. I don’t have anything to do now… and haven’t had anything about an hour. I’m talking to Tara on the phone. We are conniving and planning as always. I am staying until 2pm today so I can get some hours in and so that I can wait for Stacy to get off work. I am so bored and with nothing to do, and honestly writing this can only take so long before I run out of things to say.

Men…

I love them. End of story. If only… God if only one of them would be the one. I got this text message from one of my friends today. It was one of those stupid forwards… like if I don’t my head will fall off in 10 days, my cat will die, my foot will swell, and my true love will run away to Japan to be with another man or something along those lines. And there was one quote I really liked. It went something like ‘love is only a word, until it’s proven to you.’ I thought about that for a long time. I don’t want to get my heart broken again, but I have the hope that it’s out there. I guess the only way to find out is just test the waters again. But by putting my heart out there, there’s that great risk of having it broke once again. Would it be worth it?? Today there is too much cheating, lying, jealousy, and vindictive behavior that keeps me from trying out relationships. No one likes getting hurt. No one. What is it now- 1 out of every 2 or 3 marriages end in divorce? God, that’s horrible. What happened to listening to the vows and realizing this is *supposed* to be forever. Why isn’t it anymore?

The Full Quote…

A kiss is just a kiss until you find the one you love, A hug is just a hug until its with the one you’re thinking of. A dream is just a dream until you make it come true, Love is just a word until it’s proven to you.

Just a Number…

Everyday I go through my cell phone, randomly- texting people, calling, adding new contacts. Everyday I see a number I can’t call anymore. The number isn’t even working anymore… I can’t delete it. It’s like, the one thing I have left of Scott. I still sometimes cry at night, more nights than not… but now when I remember him during the day I can do it without crying hysterically. Granted I still cry… but it’s a start right?
Only 45 minutes left…. 40 minutes. Okay 41 to be specific. 35 MINUTES… alright guys this is it for right now.
Until next time… …the saga continues…

6:04am: Blech
Should I stay or Should I go?

I am at this point in my life where I am seriously wondering if some things are worth it. I mean, yeah I am having a great time in life, I am having fun, partying, and not having any problems. Some things though, I just don’t know about. The guys for example, although I am having a lot of fun with all of them, I am really looking for something concrete in my life. I don’t think that any one of them is looking for the same. I thought James might be, but we haven’t spoken, and I’m kind of giving up hope on him. I would love for Joe to be, but then again how much could I trust him? He has her name tattooed on him and he’s still hitting on me. –sigh- I just wish that some things were easier, not so confusing and complicated. Heh, that’s life though. I guess whether we want to admit it or not every girl wants a fairytale. What’s really crazy is that normally right around this time of the month is when I find guys. Most if not all of my anniversaries that I can remember fall on somewhere around the 20th of the month, which is just creepy. Maybe I give off a vibe or something? Yesterday I hung out with Ryan for a little while until he had to go to work and then Jenni called and Joe wanted to come over. He stayed for like 4-5 hours and his girlfriend freaked. He didn’t care though, he was with me. LOL.

Idiots…

So I just came back from my break and while I was on it Stacy, Steph and I all went to Dunkin Donuts to get bagels and iced coffee. So Stacy orders an iced coffee and I order a Coffee Coolata (which is blended, b/c I don’t like chunks of ice in my coffee.) After the guy was rude and interrupting us 50times we pull to the window and she gets her iced coffee first and it looks like some bad iced tea. She sent it back, the guy looked peeved but it looked disgusting. Black coffee, French Vanilla flavor, and ice… ICK! So she got one like me (which is delicious), and we left. As we are pulling away I see the guy drinking the shit we just gave him back (the icky one), it was funny.

6:00am: Raining Men
It’s raining men I tell you! For once I don’t know what to do. I mean, yeah I’ve always believed that when you don’t look that’s when love finds you, but this is kind of crazy. I guess I should kind of explain everything. I guess it all started last Friday at the bar, and since then I have been kind of flocked by men. Here’s the inside scoop:





Name: James

Age: 22

Where we Met: Friday night @ the bar

The perks: He took me to a movie on Saturday. Good kisser. Genuinely likes me. Sweet. Sexy. He bites. Very gentlemanly

The problem: He hasn’t called since, and only has texted twice. Maybe not that interested?

Likable Scale (poor:1-10:best): 7.5

Name:Joe

Age: 25

Where we Met: Bar also on Friday.

The perks: Really hot, really likes me, great kisser, very compatible, did I mention hot?

The problem: He has a girlfriend.

Likable Scale (poor:1-10:best): 9.99 (dude, he wins on this scale. –sigh-)

Name: Dave

Age: 24

Where we Met: The bar a loooong time ago. (known 1yr)

The perks: A sweetheart, Cute, adores me. Has goals. Is in school.

The problem: Has a girlfriend, and although says he wants to break up with her, I’ve heard that line before. No car.

Likable Scale (poor:1-10:best): 6.2

Name: Fubar

Age: 24

Where we Met: Bar with Dave (their friends)

The perks: Funny, is never serious. Very sexual.

The problem: is never serious, no relationship quality.

Likable Scale (poor:1-10:best): 4

Name:Charlie

Age: 25 (?)

Where we Met: In high school, and then again later in life.

The perks: Sweetheart, would do anything for me. Have dated him before.

The problem: Once we start dating never comes around… too busy…

Likable Scale (poor:1-10:best): 5

Name: Ryan

Age: 24

Where we Met: in college… long story

The perks: is always horny

The problem: doesn’t want relationship… enough said. Wants only one thing

Likable Scale (poor:1-10:best): 6

Name: Mike

Age: 28 (this Friday)

Where we Met: through Max my room mate

The perks: Very Sexual… likes to party

The problem: Have never met him in person, do not know what he wants from me

Likable Scale (poor:1-10:best): 5 (indifferent b/c I have never seen him)



That’s about it for right now. That’s just the past 12 hours who has talked to me. I wish everything was just easy y’know? I wish that there was no problems with these guys. Especially the girlfriend thing. I can’t help but like Joe, and he is definitely into me. He said something about a song for me but he couldn’t play it b/c his girlfriend was there. It was some rap song (I don’t listen to much rap) about how he keeps thinking of me, and how he would like to be touching me… etc. Good song… better idea behind it coming from him. God, I dunno. There’s so much to consider, but honestly I’m just taking it slow and enjoying being single until someone sweeps me off my feet. Until then, nothing is good enough. That’s the way I’m playing it. I just want someone to not have problems, to like me, and that would be enough. I really like Joe, so I need to stay as far away from him as possible b/c I don’t want to be Trouble anymore. Dave is one thing, b/c we’ve dated twice, and although he lied about having a girlfriend and I found out, it wasn’t anything serious.

About Dave, the last time I saw him he told me that he loved me. I said Don’t lie! And then as he was leaving he said that he was definitely falling in love with me. I was okay with him saying that, and he is trying to better himself. I just wish he’d drop the bitch, but then again I don’t think I would date him anyways. If he cheated on her what would stop him from doing it to me? Exactly. I dunno, something about him draws me in, and I find that even when I am not being serious about anything he is still there. There’s something about me, he just loves. He nicknamed me “the pro” and Fubar accidentally let that slip. I thought it was kind of funny, kind of sad. Hmm. Fubar in himself is an altogether different story. He’s anti-relationship and is a walking ball of hormones. He is Quagmire from Family Guy… no kidding, he actually went as that last Halloween. One big player with my sex drive than anyone else I know (maybe even greater than mine). He’s…. annoying sometimes, but for the most part cracks me up.

-sigh- Oh well, enough about men. This Friday Stacy from work is coming out and is going to go to the bars with us. I am excited. It’s time to leave. Steph is MIA.

I should go… so much for *not* journaling about men. –sigh-

Until Next time.. The saga Continues…

6:00am: random lyrics and shit
If I die and go to hell real soon, it will appear to me as this room… I don’t know what I want… remember what you’re staring at is me… don’t hold me up now… it’s as simple as something that no body knows… standing on the rooftops, everybody scream your heart out… well it rains and it pours when you’re out on your own, if I crash on your couch can I sleep in my clothes… I keep dreaming, you’ll be with me and you’ll never go… the path I walk’s in the wrong direction… can’t you see that it’s just rainin’, there’s no need to go outside… I memorized all the words for you… I don’t wanna fall in love… hands down this is the best date I can ever remember… she said, don’t let it go to your head, boys like you are a dime a dozen…



Okay, so I was bored.. but can you name where these lyrics are from??? Some are pretty easy…

Still sick, still feeling down and generally crappy. Tara came over and we hung out yesterday, and that’s it. I wish more happened in my life, but sadly that’s as good as it gets, for now at least. There’s the Magnificent Mile going on this weekend in Chicago , I was thinking about going to it. For those of you who don’t know what that is, it’s where they light up Michigan Ave with thousands of lights. It’s supposed to be really cool, and I’ve never been there while it was going on so I figured maybe I would check it out. There’s not too much more going on, I get paid on Friday, and on Friday we are having a lil’ party @ my house… a typical Friday night.

I have this camera, I got it for Christmas a long time ago. I haven’t used it too much b/c I have a digital one now. It’s a really expensive camera, and I’m really into taking unique and different pictures. This thought just popped into my head- I don’t use it enough. I mean, sure, about once a year (ok maybe 6 mos.) I take it out, take some awesome pictures with it, never develop the roll of film, and that’s that. I want there to be more to this, I want to get all the rolls developed that I have (about 10-15). So, I think when I get home I will dust it off, load it up, and go take some wicked pictures. And maybe, just maybe do something more and out of the norm when I am done. One can hope. I took a picture for my friend David’s photography class, just for fun.. the one I took was show cased. David got the credit which was fine by me b/c we didn’t even go to the same school. They have Photography 1 @ the college by me, and maybe I can take it. I have nothing better to do. I am pretty good at shit like that, and it would be a fun class. I just registered for classes… I decided some time ago that I want to get a degree in Culinary Arts. Maybe open my own business someday. So I am taking Cost and Portion Management and Applied Food Service Sanitation which are prerequisites for the fun classes. I’m also taking Photography 1…lol.

5:59am: My age...
AUGUST
* Loves to joke
* Attractive
* Suave and caring
* Brave and fearless
* Firm and has leadership qualities
* Knows how to console others
* Too generous and egoistic
* Takes high pride of oneself
* Thirsty for praises
* Extraordinary spirit
* Easily angered
* Angry when provoked
* Easily jealous
* Observant
* Careful and cautious
* Thinks quickly
* Independent thoughts
* Loves to lead and to be led
* Loves to dream
* Talented in the arts, music and defense
* Sensitive but not petty
* Poo! r resistance against illnesses
* Loving and caring
* Loves to make friends

Age in years
24.29
Age in months
291
Age in days
8864
Age in hours
212739
Age in minutes
12764311
Age in seconds
765858657
Age in Milli seconds
76585865709
Age in weeks
1266
You born on
Tuesday

7:12pm: Pics of new kitty


Me and Peach Snuggling.

6:57pm: new...
So, on Friday Paula (roommate) comes home with a tiny kitten. We didn’t want cats or dogs in my house b/c my mom helps out with some bills (phone, cable) and says if we have enough money to take care of an animal we have enough money to pay all our bills. Obviously we don’t. So, Paula comes home and says her boyfriend Shane bought her Peach (a girl Calico). Peach is adorable, but still it was completely bogus of Shane not to ask us if she could have a cat. I am going to post some cute pictures of her later when I get home (writing from work again to email to myself). Peach (I sometimes call her Small Fry b/c she is addicted to French fries, but cannot say that in front of Paula who would probably yell @ me for giving her cat people food.) loves me, and lays across my throat when I’m laying in bed. She licks me all the time, and loves playing hide n seek. She goes to my humongous cage and stares at my sugargliders. She tried to sniff them, but Trouble (the male sugar glider) tried to bite her! It was hilarious.

This weekend was so much fun. On Friday we went out to Indiana and got our cousins Paul (8) and Jon (12)-from my dad’s side. We came back to the house, ordered Chinese food and watched Stay Alive (I love this movie… but it’s b/c I’m a gamer and love horror flicks). Paul and Jon fell asleep while watching it, they were really interested but their eyes kept drooping until they gave up the fight. In the morning- 7:30am… on my day off! Ick- I made the boys waffles and pancakes and they watched the rest of Stay Alive and then wanted to watch I Robot. After that we picked up my other cousins (on my moms side) we went to Haunted Trails. We met up with Tara and her son Matt and rode the Bone Shaker (a spin-ny ride), the GoKarts, Laser tag, and all the arcade games. We stayed there for like 5 hours, and the kids had a blast. We took everyone else home, went home, and chilled for a little while. At 10 pm we decided to go on a scavenger hunt. We play with two teams, a list, and a camera. My team was Paul, Tara, and me; Steph’s team was her, Kyle (the neighbor/boyfriend), and Jon. We kicked ass and won, didn’t get home until 3am, and the kids wanted to watch a movie. Jon put in Saw 2 in my room and within the first 5 minutes I (and Peach) was asleep. Sunday we all slept in and then got up and had to take them home. We stayed out there for a little bit visiting with our grandparents and other uncle. Then home and to bed. Steph had a date, but I was asleep before she got back.

That’s about it, I mean, there was so much more, but to tell all of that would take longer than I have. I am sick today. I have a cold, which means: coughing, sneezing, stuffy nose, achy all over, and my head felt like a puffer fish all expanded and ready to pop. I took Tylenol Cold and Allergy and now feel much better. Almost like myself. I need to go home, pop in a video and veg and recoup I think that’s the only thing that will help.

Well, it’s that time (leaving @11am today… ) I will be on to post this and probably write more.