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Dressed in depression, profoundly, she stands. [24 Jan 2005|10:48pm] [ mood | depressed ] [ music | Dashboard Confessional- Vindicated ] Mesmorizingly, this morning was perfect, totally unblemished. There were miniscule snow flakes perfectly sprinkled on the streets beautifully. The air, frosty. Spent with all the people I love most. I watched people make the same mistakes without thinking to remind them, theyll learn. I wish I had someone do that for me, watch out for me, I could have secret conversations with them, and they could tell me if my mistakes are worth making. Well, I guess if I had true faith in God, God could be that one. But it's not the same. I don't believe in God, I question it, but not faithfully. Faith. Hope, dangles on a string, like slow spinning redemption, winding in, winding out... Hynotizing. I'm just lying here in total ignorance and denial. Everythings perfect. No. It was this morning, it was. Until I got to my lessons. I've fallen back down to depression. Hannah's depressed again. But there's a difference with me this time. Now everyone knows it. In every poem I write. Every word I say. Every phylosophy I believe. Trying so hard to let go, but hold on, if I let go quickly, I'll slip away too. Rejection. Everyone used to like me so much. Opposite now, Or paranoia, partly. Lack of love. I can hardly take it anymore. Sickly feelings of regret. I hate it. Regret. Watching m hands type this is almost a reality check, tells me I'm twelve. A fucking depressed twelve year old. Me and Hannah. I know how it started, me and Hannah talked of our past depression. Unwanted memories flown back. Restarted it. I hate depression. I hate you if you think I'm too young to know what it is. I've had shit in my life, serious shit. Serious betrayal. The scars from self harm are healing, they're shiny, makes my arms look greasy. More reason for people to hate me. Oh no. I feel fat. I do not want to become anorexic, I have an ok figure, but it isn't, perfect. Oh dear... Today is National depression day, 23rd was national Pie day, good huh? Roanna post comment

Anti-Conform [11 Aug 2004|04:29pm] As I walked down the street in the tight jeans which I much dislike that I had to borrow from Christine- due to my lack of jeans I own, I thought to myself- "What if someone I know sees me in these jeans?" Suddenly- my independence overid it all. Why should I justify who I am and the genre of music I like using the clothes I wear? Whatever happened to non-conformism? Just because those of us who like Grunge, Punk-Rock and e.t.c dress differently to those who like say- Pop music it doesn't mean we are non-conformists, we aren't comparing ourselves to everyone, just so called- 'Trendies'. What's up with the labeling as well? Why should we name ourselves- 'Grungers' and 'Punks' and 'Trendies'? Can't we all be equal individuals? If someone asked me to label myself, I would say- ''I'm Roanna", because I am- I'm not a grunger- I am a Roanna and darn well proud! But why do we dress like this? It can't be because we want to be minorities- because minorities consist of small groups of different people, and if we just look around- everyone looks like us- we can't escape being the same. But why should we condem ourselves to a life of justification just to show people what music we like- it's just wrong! Whatever we do- it's most definately been done before unless it's something absolutely amazing or something like that. Yesterday was spent playing RayMan- No, I am not a typical twelve year old, glued to the Television screen permanently. I am infact- quite the contrary. This game is different to the others- this game is truly beautiful my friends. It's all about happiness and saving the happiness in the place where RayMan lives. The music is beautiful and well composed. It's happy. Happy music is what I need. All my CD's are not very happy- just kind of Grunge and Punk-Rock and Green Day and stuff and it's not very happy, so I need some happy CD's- It's what the doctor ordered for my new found happiness. Early a few mornings ago, I opened the window and looked up at the sky- It was really white, the cars on the moterway were really loud. I looked down on the streets to look for any people walking along the streets, I wanted to try and imagine why they were out so early on the streets, I wanted to try and figure out the reason just by looking at them. I looked at the clock- 05:15AM. I couldn't believe I'd stayed up all night just watching crappy short films where the cast couldn't even act- blatantly. As I looked out the window- I tried to think of the future held for me- or even who the future might be holding for me. I never actually figured it out. I carried on looking out of the window for a while- thinking deeply. Then I closed the window- grabbed my duvet and went downstairs. Roanna... post comment

Me be new in this hip journal site. [09 Aug 2004|07:21am] [ mood | accomplished ] [ music | Nirvana-Lithium ] Hello, me be new in this 'hip' journal site. Tell me of other journal sites too please? I have been on U journal, Live journal, Greatest journal, Face Party, Dead journal. Ye olde folks, please beith you that given me thee site URL's? Ok, enough of that shit. I didn't sleep all night- again... I spent the night looking out of the window and stuff, again... I need help! Why can't I just fucking sleep? Please oh please won't you let me sleep god? http://www.greatestjournal.com/~nirvana_rose Visit it why don't ye? Roanna... post comment

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