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hurt me. [09 Jun 2004|05:21pm] So I was sitting in your seat today by actually pure coincidence and I looked from the back row up to the front around the empty room. The wood was warm and the metal was cold. It was as cold as it must have been against your own bare arms when you fell asleep on the desk top in class. The room doesn't look the same without you. The halls are dead already. I hate the last day of school. After exams, he walked up to my locker with a smirk on his face and I gasped and yeled at him for a reason why he was here. "Math exams." "I thought the smart kids didn't have to take exams." "YOU'RE taking exams, dork." and we talked and I told him I crashed my car and the smile dropped from his face and he told me to be careful and I said I will and I watched him turn and I said goodbye in my head. And I realized, too, that this is the first period of time that JJ and I will not be shoved in a room together for over four hours a day since we met. Freshman year, summerschool, sophmore year... all of them included shoving the two of us together. I hate marked change. I hate moving on. I cried at the end of the day because when I hugged Quentin goodbye I knew he wouldn't miss me like I would miss him. I will never see him over the summer. And I cried because JJ and I were finally being forced to move on from hating eachother to the point of love. I'm his little sister. I can't even begin to describe this year. I can not even begin to describe it at all. I walked into my french classroom on the first day to see Allen Whitlow sitting back, blonde hair and green eyes, grinning on only one side of his mouth. He was sprawled out like a true senoir. So fucking cocky. I sat in front of him and he made fun of me for not wearing a bra. And I dated Ryan Evans. I dated Ryan Evans and everyone got jealous and angry but I realized that Ryan and I just didn't fit so I broke up with him and was bored with boys. I was so fucking bored with boys. And I spent halloween night with Quentin Roos and his scary friends and I was more quiet than I have ever been, but I wanted to be loud. And I fought with everyone from every direction and I realized why I hate small towns and most of the people in them. And I ignored all the fights and the obsessions until they died down and things got kind of normal again. And it was nice; it really was. And I found out things from people that I never thought I'd hear. And wondered if they were lying or if they meant their pretty words. And the entire year I hated JJ so much for being such a skanky little boy, and I loved him for appoligizing. And I met TJ Baker when he took Jackie and Maddy and I to the mall and he gave me a ride home. And I thought about how much older than me he was and smarter and I wondered if liked me but I figured he didn't so I forgot about it. He and I have been dating for one month today. And I looked down at my chipped black nail polish and I wondered if anyone noticed it at all. I looked at a picture of my lunchtable from this year and I thought abuot how much I love Alli Feldhause and Quentin and Molly and Olivia. And I thought about my weird connection with each of them, some stronger, and some more pure, and some complicated and some just there. And I'm talking to Jackie right now and it's still strange to me that people like her and Alli talk to someone like me as close friends. I wonder when people are going to realize what a looser I am. I will be careful. I won't get in another crash. Good-bye from my head. My little brother just put on his own shoes. He is so amazing. I'll finish this later. entertain me

feel better. [07 Jun 2004|07:26pm] I crashed my car. I was crying so hard from today while I was driving that I crashed my car. I wasn't thinking. I backed up into some woman while trying to get out of the way of some man. The man kept going. The woman hugged me and told me that it was just a car and not to cry. But I've been crying all day. I've cried and I cried and I cried until I got home and fell asleep crying hysterically and dreamt of a prom night where I saw you and told you that you were everything I always wanted to be at exactly the right time, with salted tears running between my lips and down my chin. I have never been sad like this before. My perfect dream world was grey skied and overcast and strange, but I didn't notice that. We were alone. Permentantly alone. And you helped me rebuild and get away from this shithole I've surrounded myself in. I became a pawn in the dark world they created, in the fantasies and bullshit. I do know each and everyone of you. I can fucking get out. Things never happen in a way that would give you relief. I never say goodbye the way I want to. I did not say goodbye to you. You did not say goodbye to me. I need to, but I know you don't. You reassured me after Allie died and my parents fucked up and I fucked up that I was a good person and that I was NOT stuck. I was not stuck. I am not stuck at all. Fuck the world that they created and fuck the descisions that I've made. I am not one of them. I'm not fucking stuck. You are so beautiful. "You are such a fucking bohemion Marilyn Monroe" my sister said in the car today before we crashed. A waitress came by to us and asked her if I was alright. She said I had had a bad day and a bad week and a bad year. She said she would never want to be our age again for the entire world. I love when people recognize that our lives are such glass. I am so broken. I am always broken and I have never been sad like this before. Everytime else I have been sad has been a lie or just me indulging sadness. But this time I could not stop myself. It took me over. Oh my God I can see the world in grey and overcast and I can see you sitting on the floor with our long blonde hair in our face grinning. You are so pretty. I don't even know what college you're gonig to, kid. And I can see you walking down the halls. I never caught your eye. You represented so much to me. Thank you for walking and making me believe in the things I wanted to be. My sister and I get stuck. We are stuck. We are the only people that are stuck the way we are. We're lying in the dark when we should be in the light. I am the fucking dark now. I am nice to the nice girls and mean to the mean ones. Do you not fucking get it? And then he lied again. Why is there so much tension between us? And I need it. I need you. You are the first person I ever got close to here and we never said goodbye porperly either and we can't 'cos I can't get away from this shit. The teacher said I had been so fragile over the past two months and what was wrong and was i something at home? Was there something we could do? No. No. No. There is nothing anyone can do because I am just fragile all over. I am so broken and weak. I hate everything about myself. I don't need to cut myself because my body is already cut open and bleeding and smashed up and bandaged and scarring over again and again. I am nothing from nothing to nothing. I believe in God only because there must be more to life than humans like me. I am so sick. So a boy took me outside to talk. You hold it all in until you're hysterical, Alex, he said. You surround yourself with the shit of the world, Alex, he said. He said that he kenw them all and they weren't worth it. And I said I knew that. I know they are so little compared to me. I know that as sick as I am and broken, they are worse. Oh my GOD, you're worse than fucking me. I need to die. I need to die. I need to die to this but I can't. Or I already did. I drank koolaid today and thought of your culminating project and I wonder if your my second chance. There are no second chances. I love my sister more than anything in the entire world. We are one. We are stuck, but she can deal with it and I can't. She made me a CD while I was falling asleep to my chokes and I heard it and its the most beautiful thing I have ever heard. No one else speaks like she does. No one else moves like she does. She knows and she is perfect in every situation. Ally, drive forward a little before you get out of the car so you can get off of her bumper, okay? Only I can't really drive forward at all because I can't figure out the gears in this. I don't know how to rebuild. Oh god don't let me forgt the feeling of your lips. Oh God don't let me forget the feeling of real tears. Oh God don't let me become the fucking dark. I can still see you now that you're gone. There were a very few good people left in the world. I was not one of them. This is not everything I wanted to say. There's so much I want to say but I can't put it into words. I can see it in my mind, but it is a picture and it's colors are not regular and its hues and strange and its tears and water and rain and night and day are all wrong to you but they are right to me. I can see the entire world. Fucking hell. Fucking hell. There are no second chances. There is no love. There is nothing for people that are stuck but watching and properly documenting the people that are moving. The water choved me up against the fence. There is a picture on my yearbook of an empty hall. I am an empty hall. Walk all over me again. This is where you belong. 2 _ _ entertain me

...they keep you doped on religion and sex and TV... [04 Jun 2004|06:18pm] I presented my culminating activity today. Beforehand I was so nervous could almost cry, but once Quentin was done, and walked back down from the podium, I just felt happy. I felt really warm and ready. Everything was slow and calm. He passed all my sheets out and Alli readied up my powerpoint while I stood behind the podium. I spoke, and it was all okay. As I began to finish, I really worried about whether or not I should read my excerpt. I mean, I love my book and I was incredibly proud of it, but I was so worried, too, that no one else would like it at all. If you want to read it, leave a comment and I will give you the part I read out in front of the class. Mr. Shotwell said it was among the top 25 presentations he'd ever seen, and he's been teaching since some of my teachers were freshman. I wanted to d.a.n.c.e. I was so happy that it was over. Ah... today was just so lovely in general. I just like being home now. ...Sigh... Such a weird feeling not to be hurried and about all the time. Mrs. Shaffer says I can skip Drama II and go straight to Drama III because she can tell I am a "dramatic person" and am capable. I was so, so f.u.c.k.i.n.g happy. -lexxie. (I wish I knew what to say. I wish I could be more than a bitch-y voiced little girl when I try to tell someone something serious. My confidence dies. My eloquence was never really there. So I just collapse when I'm saying goodbye and pretend like nothing matters. You really just dont matter.) 1 _ _ entertain me

You Don't Have to Say Goodbye. [02 Jun 2004|03:29pm] So dance me over the winding creek and push me up over the bridge and let me fall into the water. Let me breathe in the liquid air and pretend its you its you its you, so fucking cold and filling and complete and wonderful but I really don't know why. I have no idea why. You keep me alive. And dance me over the bridge and push me underneath the water and kill me please. Kill me before you leave. I don't care if you move on, I don't care that you have to leave, but kill me now before you do and pretend like you want to die about it, too. Just pretend I'm the one you want, and pretend that I'm the one you wish would shove you down beneath the waves. Pretend our last dance isn't the first. Pretend I didn't fuck this up. I don't know why I can still talk. I watch you slip over the guard rail and follow me inside because no one else is like you. You are perfect. You act without acting. Please kill me kill me kill me. Jump over the bridge after me and hold your breathe while I breathe in. Push your hips into my hips and let the air in your lungs push the air out of my own. Lay over me. Sink down on top and hold me on the rocky bottom. Breathe out and sink and be the weight down on me. Be the weight down on me. Kill me for the few seconds that you can live without the air on the surface, and once my eyes really close, go a head and swim back up. Just let me forget that my eyes don't see what your eyes do. I love you. I love you. I love you. 4 _ _ entertain me

I think about you all the time. I know thats not enough. [29 May 2004|08:10pm] and I wonder all the time why I keep struggling to keep my head above the water when its so perfectly safe to drown. I can drown and I would be perfectly content. I would have you filling up my lungs with love and intelligence and beauty and perfect stupid conversations or brilliant one-liners. I would be surrounded by happiness but I don't ever drown, I just lay there in bed hiding the few drops of water that I let hit my face and drying them off and thrashing thrashing thrashing in to water some more. I let it be enough that my heart is surrounded by you, and let my head keep gasping for fucked up air. All I want to do is go to your house and watch a stupid movie and talk and then wait on the internet for your potential love interest. I wanna go to your house and just relax. I don't want to party or drive in my lovely car or have my brand new lisence. I wanna be with you. In florida. Drowning. I want you to know that all I want is for you too be impressed with me. I take everything yuo say to heart. I think about whether or not you would be proud of my friends or y boyfriends or whatever. I think about what yuo would think of the way I dress and act. I realize more and more everyday that I've changed so much from the person that you so graciously (for soem reason) loved in florida and I wonder if that makes you love me less. I mean, I don't really believe in people "changing", but something like it. You know what Im saying. I slowly back away from all the faces and situations that I know aren't as good as you. And thats why I love you. You know what Im saying. And i miss yuo so much EVERYTHING is so complicated and worthless and stupid. I called you. You are my best friend. I called you to relax and talk with you tonight so we could be normal. I love you so much. I love you so much. and so I guess its okay to thrash around and just be okay with having your heart in the water. I guess everything is fine. This is how things are. But fucking hell I come home and I get in the car and we drive down the highway and all I can think about is how the roads around that part of the highway look like the ones in Davie and am I going down there this summer? I feel like an afterschool special this is so fucking simple. I know where I need to be but I can't get there. fuck the complication to the plot and fuck the person that I am and fuck the highways inbetween stafford and florida even if they look alike sometimes. and fuck being lonely. I am always lonely. I think about you all the time. I know thats not enough. entertain me

I wish you knew how much you hurt me. [27 May 2004|10:45pm] And so I decieded: fuck you all. Fuck this all. I know everything. You're reading this and you're thinking that I don't udnerstand or that yuo're pulling soemthing over on the world, but whatever it is, I fucking know and I hope you understand that. I'm glad we're dying, and I'm glad you're dying faster than me. I'm sick of watching you in the halls and sitting in open feilds and seeing you in the wind that blows the grass side to side in the headlights of on-coming cars. You're slipping away and I don't care. I hope you understand that as well as I do. I hate you. And I really do hate you. I hate everything about you. You're a whore. She is, too. Everytime I see you I completely forgive everything that you've done, but not anymore. Fuck you. Fuck you all. Fuck you both. I'll walk away from school gladly everyday and forget your fucking face. Don't ever tell me I'm part of you. I'm not that far gone yet. I'm not that slidingly dead. I watched you with the lights pouring down on your face and I thought about how ugly you are. You are so beautiful, you whore. AND GET OUT OF MY WAY. It amazes me how you seem to think you're so fucking clever. You pretend to be so moral and loving and then you pull the shit I KNOW you pull. I watch it. I know. You are so stupid if you think you are caapable of anything, let alone to even begin to process the thought of pulling this off, you fucking idiot. SO crawl back in your fucking hole before you infect the world with your fucking stench. And I'm speaking to all of you. You know who you are. I'm speaking to all of the stupid fucking whores that slink across the shadows and try to dig their claws into their lover's backs. I'm talking to you. So shut your fucking mouth and litsen. Do yuo know what would be fun? she asked me tonight as we aped across the dark, getting in a car crash and dying tonight. She and I would have been alone. We were utterly alone in the dark. I wish yuo knew how much yuo hurt me. entertain me

Your favourite buddy... [27 May 2004|03:20pm] Today was the special olympics. I walked into school and everyone said I looked like Iw as ready to play tennis or some such... I looked with a yuppie =] So I walked myself through first and second period (I love Val and Matt so much) and finally got called down to the auditorium for the games. We walked down to the feild, and my buddy's class was late, but she eventuall got there. Her name was Shannon, and she was fucking great. She talked the whole time about her boyfriend, Aaron Carter, and about her friends and her mom and Pennsylvania where she used to live. I really liked being around her. I was genuinley sad when the kids had to leave. It was so terribly hot out, though. Halfway through the events, I started to stumble as I wlked. I got so dizzy I had to sit down and let the little freshman boy, Mathew, take over buddy-duties. So I sat with sweet little Keishla Perez, whom I adore, and she watched me almost faint about six times. Ah, what a friend =] After the games were over, I walked inside with Ryan Murtha. We walked around the whole school talking and smiling and being tired but releived that everything was done. At one point we just sat in the backroom by the bus ramp, where Quentin and Livvi realized it might not be a good idea to pretend to smoke pot a couple days ago, and almost fell asleep on the bench. We stared at the wall and I slunk down and said whatever it was that came to my mind, and I realized my going theory lately, that everyone is an asshole, can't be completely right because Ryan isn't one. We looked at wedding dresses and porn later in the CGS room. So perhaps not everyone is an asshole, but it seems to me that the "winners" are. If you don't care enough to fight the bastards, then you loose. Almost everyone I know seems to rule the world. The only good person I know that's sucessful is my father. "There's room on the top they are telling you still, But first yuo must learn how to smile as you kill, If you wanna be like the folks on the hill." John Lennon is so beautiful. I think I heard that song on the CD TJ burned "for me." I was sitting outside today afterschool, blowing bubbles that I got from the special olympics games, and I saw Jackie waving frantically in the window, pointing to soemthing. I didn't get it at first, but I turned finally to see TJ there walking towards me. I really couldn't hold back grinning and running up to hug him. I'm such a fucking girl, but sometimes people just seem so beautiful. Especially on days like these when all your searching for is beauty. And all I keep finding lately is whats wrong with the fucking world. entertain me

I hate when I'm not the liar. [26 May 2004|02:52pm] I wonder if you seriously believe your words or if they are just as pretty and misleading as the fucking mouth that they come out of. I'm on to it, I just want you to know. I know you're lying. I don't know if you understand it, too, but I think that you might. I hate listening to songs anymore because all I can do is relate them to my own situations. I can't even begin to wonder about what the writer was thinking when they wrote it, all I can do is sing the song in my own mind. But I suppose it doesn't matter because the world is just the same few situations on a million different hearts. Nothing new ever happens. This isn't that surprising. I've seen it in the movies, and now I see it across the table. I'm a fucking soap opera with different names and faces than my parent's soap opera and their parent's and theirs. I think my family might have a curse. I am so fucking angry with you. I don't lie like t.h.i.s. And I really hate clarity and definition. I hate those climactic situations that mark the 'end' or 'beginning' of relationships or people. I hate deaths and births. I just like life. And I can't figure out how to work that. I had a dream last night that you walked in to sit with us and all I wanted was you gone. You were ruining it for me and I can't believe this at all. entertain me

...we wonder alone in the dark alleyways... [23 May 2004|11:22am] Thank you to Ryan Nash and Alicia for being so normal, and not tkaing sides, and just being cool. Thank you to Maddy for at least trying. I miss you, to Alli, who I could never do without. Jackie has no problem with you. You know, I think my insessant talking about you has made her have to love you, too. Don't worry, she understands your friendship with Quentin, I promise. And the whole night, I really tried. I know how it is to be uncomfortable, and I don't wish that feeling on anyone at all. So I really tried, but all efforts were refused, and so I let it all be. Alright, whatever, we all float on. I finally gave up and just fell asleep in Tj's lap, while he talked with that sweet little Indie Annie girl. It was the most comfortable adn happy I had been in so long. I started to get that beautiful feeling I had when I was talking with Alli and Jori before our first play, where you realize that happiness actually exists. And half-awake, I listened to Quentin giggle and make arnold jokes with my little sister and Josh. I thought, blurry-minded, about what was going to happen to each and every one of us in that room, and each one of us I wished was in that room. We would all die. We would all grow up. We would all find that second life... the one outside of youth. We would all get caught up in the importance of the new world we were going to be thrown into and we would look back on our teenage years and think they were meaningless or wasted or silly. But they fucking weren't. Not for me. I won't let myself think that when I look back. Hell, I don't think I could let myself look back or I would break down into tears. It would literally break me to realize the death of my first world. We would all find our second love. Becuase there are only two real "I Love You"s... your first, and then your last. And we were all thinking of the one we loved instead of the one that loved us the most. And I knew that. And I truly didn't care. I don't care about anything except the people I love, even if they don't love me back. So fucking try to hurt them, fucking try to fuck them over. I dare you. You haven't seen anything of me quite yet until you've tried to hurt them. I drove Jackie home late on Saturday night, after everything, and driving back alone was the first time I'd really been with only myself in a car. I sped and rolled down all the windows. I didn't feel like myself. It didn't feel real or legal... I kept thinking there had to be something wrong, but there wasn't. It was like flying, I swear to God. I drove by the school and I looked down at all the lights in the building. I looked down at the last night that those people would really all be together. I watched the building that housed the Senior Prom of some of the people that I love the most. I watched the death of their first world, and I kept driving by, because it's not the death of mine quite yet. 1 _ _ entertain me

Alli [19 May 2004|05:27pm] I fucking hate it when people take things too far. I can't stand it when they can't realize what they are doing isn't funny. And then I completely just did that today. I said I was sorry up and down to Alli, but I still feel like s.h.i.t. I could tell she was uncomfortable, but I couldn't tell to what degree, and because I failed to notice enough, nothing happened to stop it all. And what Sarah and I did was so stupid I can not even begin to explain. I don't even see how we could have been doing it at the time. What the fuck? I just don't GET it. People have friends so that they can help them out, and to know how to help make life easier. I totally just failed as that for Alli, and she has ALWAYS made life easier for me. She hads always helped me. And I guess this was a "small" thing or whatever and I've appoligised, but it doesn't feel like enough. I guess this is one of those times when you're guilt is supposed to punish you. Or where you are supposed to "learn from your mistakes," but it's not fair that I had to make a mistake that would affect ALLI... Alli, of all people, the least deserving of everyone I know to be hurt or to be tripped over. The absolute LEAST deserving. I always said that Alli was one of the very very few people that I was loyal to out of love rather than obligation, and I just.. I can't even believe I didn't get it. I can't believe I didnt GET it. I've done stupoid things before, but not to someone like Alli. It was the principle of it all. I love Alli so much, and I seriously feel like crying right now. I am so sorry. J.e.s.u.s. C.h.r.i.s.t. 1 _ _ entertain me

I slept well last night, for a change. [19 May 2004|03:46pm] So have I told anyone that I got a class ring? Because I did. Seriously. Its gold with an amethyst (*cough* p.u.r.p.l.e p.l.a.s.t.i.c *cough*) in the middle. There's a colonial forge eagle and a drama / music symbol on the side. Eee. This is so mature and exciting. I feel like a grown up. Today was odd. I fell from being incredibly happy to ivcredibly sad to incredibly happy again. I woke up early enough to take a nice long bath before school started, and blow-dry out my hair to be pretty. Gracie let me borrow a cute shirt of her friend's, so I felt lovely when I walked into school. JJ's car pulled up behind us, which was funny, but we didn't talk at all. In French, I just sat. Mrs. McCleod sent me to go and get a pass from the teacher because I was absent (Definatly sick. Not working on my culminating...) for two days, so I got to stall during that, but once I got back to class I could hardly move. I was just in a quiet mood. Allen asked to see my "novel" and then laughed at me when I let him... I so asked begged him to take me to prom today, by the way.... and it ended up getting passed around the entire class. I was so embarressed. I'm very secretive about my writting. I hate showing it off like I think it's worth something that it obviously isn't. Wil mentioned that we only had 15 days left of school, and that freaked me out just a bit. I thought about how weird French class would be without Allen sitting next to me. In second hour, Matt Hicks was so sweet to me. I was upset and being quiet, I really don't know why, and I began to cry for no reason. I just felt like crying. I was tired, I guess. So Matt sat with me and practically did all my work for me. Some people say he's cocky or a jock or some such, but he has always been the sweetest person in the world to me. I always liked him. KittyKat and I played tennis in third hour. I love her. She hit the ball as hard as she could and it lodged itself into a fence, which is absolutley the coolest thing I've ever seen. ...and as always, lunch was the best time of the whole day. I love sitting there with Quentin, Alli, Livvi, and Molly. Tiffany, too. I love our table, and it makes me so sad that it's going to be gone next year. So many balances are going to be upset next year, and I'm sure many more wll be made, too, but I like this one right now. I really like this one right now. In a strange way, I think people change towards the end of the year, some good and some bad. But it's like a funeral of sorts. We become more raw and basic, and unmasked in our feelings or ideas. Things seem a lot simpler, I suppose. Next year will be strange to me. I think I'll remember sophomore year better than I will remember, both in a good and bad way. Quentin and I brought a short-lived return to the BeaverClubbing thing today. That busride was the best I've ever had =] -- lexxie. And when I look back, the fake smiles make me sick. But that's alright because at the time, they were all I wanted anyway. I'm not even mad at you for telling anymore. entertain me

...I'll just keep you in mind as something larger than life... [18 May 2004|07:16pm] [ music | Taking Back Sunday -- Cute Without the E (acoustic version) ] And will you tell all your friends you've got your gun to me head? 'Cos I'm thinking you will, asshole. But the people I do love know that I love them. After dinner, I came into the office and sat down. My sister was a beautifully slow song, and I wish I could type out the images I see in my head from it, but I know I won't be able to the way I want. I see him walking down the hall, trying to catch my eye, but our timing is all wrong. We never caught eachother's eyes the way we tried to, but if we had, it would have been beautiful. I see JJ at the lunch table sitting next to me last year, when I cried almost constantly, and we had no one but eachother. The funny thing is, now that we have others, we can't have eachother anymore at all. I see the auditorium in drama, the first day I walked in, and I see Madison sitting in the center row, and I remember thinking that her hair looked like Michi's. I see, I can tangibly see, how much I want to be in Florida with Michele right now. I see my little sister looking up at me from behind her dark bangs, and thinking about how I can still see her blonde curls and freckles from six years ago. Barely. I see Allie's picture at the funeral and I rememebr when they TOOK that picture. I was right behind the camera when they took it. In her blue dress for the home-schooling prom. I can see myself in the bathtub staring at the ceiling and thinking about all these things wihtout the music playing. Because no, Im sorry, music is not my life. I like it, but it isnt. And neither is poetry or writting or any of that pseudo-intellectual bullshit. God! I have a point I want to make but I can't get it out. This is all bullshit. Maybe that's it, but I know that's not true, so I can't say I even begin to believe that. So go on and tell all yuor friends. I dont care anymore. You shot me, lover. entertain me

So I Don't Even Return Yet... [18 May 2004|10:31am] I still have so much to do on my culminating that I forced myself to stay home from school again, and once more abandoning the people I love. =/ Damn the academics of school! School is only for socializing! Yesterday, however, Jaxxie called me from school so we could still "hang out" on the bench like usual and Alli sent me the most hysterical email I have ever read. it was, however, vastly inappropriate and must be hidden from veiw on this journal. One day, though, I will post it in all its glory. I will hint at the fact that it included many compliments on my breasts and boyfriend's, uh, "maypole" as it was spoken. I really love my friends =] A lot. By the way. Alli definatly crashed into a giant mailbox (giant?) and is no longer aloud to drive for a month. I thought that was the funniest thing I have ever heard. Maybe I should post my culminating novel on here... hmm... who wants to read about Jesus? Huh?! Get in line! 1 _ _ entertain me

a small correction... [17 May 2004|02:56pm] By the way, because appearently the facts weren't straight to everyone, Jackie and I didn't a-c-t-u-a-l-l-y get drunk last weekend. Inside joke. While it shouldn't even matter whether we did or not, I like to keep my keep my reputation as close to the truth as possible; let's all try to be a little more careful when discussing / judging other people's behavoir. So no anger or creulty was meant to go with that correction, kids, just the statement of truth. And now back to my marathon writting of novels for culminating. entertain me

A birthday and a culminating. [17 May 2004|11:50am] The time is 11:51, and I am not at school. Rather, I am sitting at the computer eating a waffle with peanut butter and syrup on it. Why? Because I need to finish my culminating project more than anything in the world right now. That's most definatly why I am writting a journal entry instead of doing that. Because I am not at school today to say Happy Birthday to Ms. Jackie, I thought of a poem to write to her as I was putting the peanut butter away into the sink instead of the cabinet, because I am not so very bright. -- I had to stay home from school to finish my culmindating I missed our metting with Tlumac which was quite frustrating. So here, my dear, is a poem to dry your tears Tomorrow we prove to Tlumac / Mr C that we are wise beyond our years! Happy Birthday, kid, and heres good news: just wait around here 'Cos they don't love you like I love you! -- It rhymes. That means its a poem. Even if it's bad!!! (and Alli... you have to call me when you get home from school and tell me whats up, both today and yesterday. I told Conor to call you!!! lol. Aren't you proud?) 1 _ _ entertain me

"Why is there a big cheesburger on the floor in here, Alex?" [16 May 2004|11:23am] FIRST THERE WAS FRIDAY.... Jackie and I had been planning all week to go out friday to the movies with Jamie and Joey, but like all of our plans pretty much, that died within the last few hours before it should have began. So we decided to go downtown "to a show." SHows around here are terrible. I never liked the scene much, even as I went with Maddy and Tobie, I never enjoyed it. I think I've been to all of three, and each one I skipped out on mostly. I knew this one would be the same way. In anycase I drove over to Jackie's and we fucked around her house thinking about how badly we were going to get our bohemian asses kicked at the show until her mother drove us down there. I actually really do love Jacie's house though, it always felt so much more like a home than mine does, as much as I really love my family. Our house is too open and messy. We met Ryan Nash downtown, which was cool. He's a cute little kid. He and I accidently got into somewhat of a political debate over another girl's journal a couple months ago before I realized that I knew him through Jackie and we ended it peacefully. I saw Kat and Jessica at the show, said hi, and then ran. I remembered once again (even when the pretty emo boys walked by) why I really didnt like the scene. Its so fake. Its just SO fake, and it's not even really faking something fun or interesting. Its just faking a fuck-around rebellion, which obviously doesn't exist right now. SO we went to Sammy T's and I hit on the waiter, who turned me down mercilessly, and then I left because I "had that thing to do..." and we ran away. Ryan tried to commit suicide with Jackie on his back. I called Tj and told him to come play with me, which he did. We met up with DEVIN DOSS before hand though, and rescued her from the drama of her crazy crazy friends. She chilled with us in Hyperion and bought Jackie a marvellous carmel apple for her birthday which is on Monday. I miss Devy so much, she's a sweet girl. And she is so beautiful, one of the prettiest people I know. Tj told us the story of Quentin's horrible adventures and so Jackie and I decided we must leave to go help him. And by help I mean buy him jellybeans and sneak them over to his house, where we met up with them outside. She, Quentin and Kenny stayed together and sang while laying on the pavement (I was so worried about leaving Jaxxie and Kenny together...) and I walked with Sean, Patrick and Tj around Heritage Oaks. I think Heritage Oaks is the most beautiful place. Its almost prittier than Vista Woods, and I did love living there. Tj's house smells like burning wood and Quentin's house smells incredible cold and sweet. I can't put my finger on it though. I just love being around there. Quentin's friends always scared the hell out of me, (even Tj at one point) but Sean and Patrick are cool. They're all terrible funny, too. Once we got back, we had to leave. Tj brought Jackie and I home, and Sean and Patrick rode with him. We stopped at the park in my neighborhood and danced around there, which was wonderful. I showed them all the "mouth of hell" (duly named by Josh and I) which is a lovely little house that seems to think that having a single bright red light in every window is the cool thing to do. And I introduced them to the house that shot me with a BB gun. As I was doing this, (I swear to God) a lone figure started staring out of one lit wondow in the top story, so Sean and Patrick started screaming and running to the car, and I did as well. We ducked our heads and sped by the house, which Patrick was conviced had a winged creature (definatly NOT the umbrella for the picnic table) on the deck. Jackie and I got drunk. I mean, really really drunk. I mean, christ lord (who is a burning and passionate flame that loves us all personally) I don't think there were a drucker pair of people in the world. Yes. Hah. And we fell asleep talking, and woke up talking, too pretty much. It's so nice to find people you actually enjoy. SO THEN THERE WAS SATURDAY..... ...In which Jackie discovered the strip-of-the-driveway sale going on at my neighbor's house. We obtained a garfeild cat-house and a large fake plant, but we wanted more. So we returned to it and bought a baby's matress with disturbing dolls on it. After this, my father left, and we definatly did not drive around in my beautiful car blasting Bright Eyes to as many other yardsales as we could possibly find. No, we did not. However, we did end up aquiring Thing 2 (and maybe a bit of Thing 3, eh? Eh, Jackie? Mmm.) a kimono, Pulp Fiction, a Salt-n-Pepa cassette tape and a large stuffed hamburger. We were hot and tired and sunburnt and tropically beautiful so we called Tj to go swimming in his pool. Best Idea Ever. The water was freezing, but I pulled Jackie in anyway, and swung her around in the water because we are cool. However, we were not quite cool enough to stay in the water in favour of the luke-warm tub on the top half of the deck, which was great. We got in and giggled until we decieded we wanted food. Food from where? FoodLion, ofcourse. So we changed of Tj's deck / room / bathroom because we are a bit of the pansy type. We stood on the deck and watched Tj and his father cover up the pool, and let the sun beat down on our backs,and I thought about how nice it is to feel healthy and comfortable and not be worried about the bullshit of the world for once. I had always been apathetic to the stupidity of people, but it had always still annoyed me until about just then. We drove to Foodlion WITHOUT seatbelts, and stole a handful of gel and make-up from CVS, and then went to Ruby Tuesday's instead. It's great to run into such hip and cool waiters as those. But the truth is we definatly needed to go to Replay and look at Jane's Addiction posters, which we did until Jackie needed to go tanning. So she did, while Tj and I filled out my brilliant application for the Tanning Salon. Jackie and I are going to get jobs one day, I swear to God. We went back to Tj's house afterwards,a nd tired to convince Jackie that it was defiantly naptime, but she disagreed, so we took a nap in the grass at Quentin's baseball game. We're going to the beach soon. We are seriously going to the beach. Tj drove us home. We babysat and discussed the new clique we are creating (the Partyers. Yes. Creativity rules) until Jackie's mother had to pick us up. According to Jackie, this gave Tj and I "alone time"... with the baby... and for some reason, perhaps from exhaustion, I thought it was one of the funniest things I had ever heard besides the Thing 3 comment. The baby did go to bed after trying to kill me a hundred or so times, and it was really nice. I love Brennan. And I love when he finally falls asleep, too. So Good Sunday Morning, kids. Life is pretty cool. entertain me

This plane is definatly crashing. [12 May 2004|03:10pm] [ mood | exhausted ] I am so fucking tired. I have absolutely no other thought going through my head besides that. I am SO fucking TIRED. I can hardly even move. My head hurts so much and I just want to black out to forget all this. We had the AP Government exam today, which was easier academically then the Biology one, but for some reason, it took a lot more out of me. My head was in so much pain I was seeing things, and I was so exhausted by the end of it. We ate lunch in the cafeteria with the normal kids, and it was actually not bad because Jackie and Lori came to sit with us. Otherwise I probably would have left again. I don't like noisy places like that, especially for such short periods of time. Its like you walk in, get tosed around for a bit aimlessly, and then you walk out. Its incredbily pointless. I saw Aimee, though, (wearing MY shirt!!!) she walked up to me and handed me a note from "Brad," even though some other boy named Steven actually wrote it. It was a haiku; absolutley brilliant one as well. And then we ventured back into the lab to take yet another fucking test. The Biology SOL was almost fun, it was so easy. I was almost the first one done, but not quite. Afterwards I hung out and talked with JJ and Olivia for awhile. It was enlightening, I think. After school Jackie and I searched for Tlumac, but he was definatly gone, and her father was definatly there, so I sat outside and called Michi from the bench. She didn't pick up, so I called her house, but her mother said she was at Film Club. You're such an artsy little fuck, Michers. =] Anyway, I gave up and went back inside the school. I ran into Ashley Norwood, which was really cool. She grabbed me and said "Alex! You look so pale! Usually you're all bright and happy and ready to piss someone off!" So I laughed and told her about APs. She even ditched her friends to listen to me complain. I've known her for so long and sometimes I wonder why we never hang out after school. She's so cute. My mommy finally got there, and we drove home. >>>SPEAKING OF DRIVING<<< I passed my test. With an 100 percent! So come May 21st, life shall be lovely. I think I'm going out with Tj this afternoon. We're going to be cool, and... yes. Be cool. (Good luck to Ms. Aimee with her sheep-herding adventures.) -- lexxie. entertain me

I can tell you're just as cool; and cool kids, they belong together. [11 May 2004|07:19pm] I opened my locker this morning and Allen came to me asking if I got his note. "What note?" I asked him, and he grinned and pointed to the one in my locker. He had slipped it in there yesterday. I took it out and smiled and said I hadn't seen it before now. He told me to read it and left. So I went to second period and opened it up. " Alex -- I owe you an appoligy for Friday. You obviously weren't doing too hot and I didn't help yuor situation. I was such a jerk, and there are enough of those around. You don't need another one on your case. I felt bad about it all weekend (in case you were wondering). -- Allen. " And I almost started crying. My entire weekend had been terrible, that Friday hurt me so much. It wasn't him, it was something else, but I started crying when he was talking to me and I suppose he thought it was his fault. I showed Alli the note and she just smiled and said how few good people there are left in the world, and thats true. There are very, very few people that I veiw as good. But the nice thing is that those I veiw as good.. I KNOW they are good. I just love it when something like that happens to restore my faith in humanity. Little tiny things that pop up everywhere just in time. And the bad things that happen to me, well, I guess I'm lucky 'cos I always see them coming. I know the people that lie or cheat, I know the people that are untrustworthy, so I just usually am not disappointed when they slip up. Still annoys me though. And I'm tired of watching other people get hurt just ebcause they aren't as cynical as I am. But my faith in humans isn't killed totally by highschool. I don't think it can be killed period. entertain me

I made up a song today... [10 May 2004|03:17pm] and it goes like this :: "Oh my God. I just failed the AP." ...and you're not technically even able to fail the AP but I'm sure I could find a way to do that somehow. The song sounds a lot better when sung in person, so if you're wondering, just ask next time you see me. Today was strange. The whole time I sat staring at the tests, my mind kept wandering to a bunch of different things. I thought about how screwed I was, and about how akward things are going to be now, and about how best friends are only best friends when its convinient, especially with you. I thought about how close I've come to actually not being alright (and I may have crossed the line this time) but honestly I didn't care. I just don't really care anymore. (I went to get my prom dress altered. I said I'd finish this later, so here it is.) And my mind wandered off into 40 days from now, which is summer. And I thought about how he and I won't ever really see eachother again. We have spent every school day, including 6 hours of summer school a day for six weeks, together since we met. And now this summer comes. And everything is fucked over. I can still feel his hands though. Sometimes I think we're the same person. Or that he's just a part of me I try to ignore. I thought about how I'll probably spend this summer with Josh mostly. Just sleeping at his house or him over at mine and watching TV. We'll walk to the park and I'll complain to him about all the people that won't walk with me to the park like he does. And he'll say soemthing incredibly witty that makes me realize Id rather be with him than anyone else walking to the park. And the sun will stream in at 5 oclock on an August sunday afternoon and then we'll be back in school. I will be a junoir. And you have no idea how much it hurts me to think about that. I'm halfway through. And there are no second chances. And then I looked at the clock 6 minutes before the bell rang realized that I had skipped an entire essay question. So I scraped it together with JJ laughing at me and Mrs. Bland freaked out about me writting on the desktop and I smiled and ignored it. We ate lunch in the cafeteria with the normal kids, but that scared me way too much. I hate loud places and I hate people I don't know. So Quentin and I left, and Alli followed later. And I thought about how I'm going to adapt and sit in the cafeteria next year with those kids. And then things will change even more. Alli and Quentin are gone next year anyway, so after this summer, I pretty much don't have them anymore either. And I don;'t think I;ve mentioned before how much I need them, or at least really want them. I drove home with my daddy from BaskinRobbins earlier tonight. We blasted really bad music and I sped on the country roads and had the moon-roof of my car down. Gracie sat in the back and giggled and I just stared straight ahead, hoping I wouldn't crash or anything stupid. There was no moon tonight, and thats why daddy said it was so dark. Appearently a lot depends on just the reflection of the moon. And you never notice the light it gives before its gone. Today was so beautiful. The sun was so fucking bright and warm, and it was so nice just to lay my head on Jackie's shoudler and rest until my mom came to pick me up. 2 _ _ entertain me

Trainwrecks. [21 Apr 2004|09:20pm] [ music | automatic shot. the strokes. ] The strangest thing in the world is to watch people change. I never stayed in one place long enough really to watch the evolution of an old aquaintance or friend. But from last year to this year, there are people who have just so amazingly transformed that I can't help but stand in awe. I suppose the words "changed" or "transformed" are really the wrong words because I do not believe people change. I think that the truth about people just evolves and becomes more appearent over time and circumstance. So I guess what I'm trying to say is how amazing it is to realize who these people really were. I could name at least three off the top of my head who turned themselves completely inside out, whether in a good way or (sadly, more often) a bad way since last year. It's like watching a trainwreck, I guess. Except that I guess our trains are supposed to wreck. We all have to. But it's incredibly painful anyway. I'm sure my train wrecked, too. It's also terribly odd to think about how alternate paths. What if I had kissed him? I wouldn't be here right now. I'd be upstairs on the phone with him or out somewhere. What if I had taken the bait? I'd be dead. I always think about how close I actually am to being somewhere else. Reality is such a tiny and weak kind of balance. And what if our trains collided? Or atleast went in a different way than they have? Would things have been better? "I'm so mean." "...Mean's okay." Lost In Translation is a wonderful movie. I feel like Charlotte most of the time. Josh came over and he pointed out a postcard on my wall. I told him it was from Michi, but I realized it was actually from Allie Etta. Her handwritting makes me cry. She touched it, and its with me, and she's not. And I wonder where the hell she went. I've been thinking a lot about her lately. Things just keep coming up and reminding me of her. But I like it a lot. I really really like thinking about her, even if it makes me cry. That makes it more real. And it makes me feel like someone's still crying over here besides her family. I want to always cry over her. I wish I could say I want to laugh, too, but I don't, actually. There's way too much of that going on around here. People are so goddamn loud and gaudy. That or they are too stuck up to ever allow themselves to be that way. Everything is such a messed up kind of balance. I'm beginning to think it isn't even a balance anymore. I'm not loosing faith, I'm just loosing the ability to casually accept it. I'm loosing the ability to laugh for real. I'm constantly keeping in check... I don't trust anything or anyone or any of my emotions. And when I feel like I'm actually naturally speaking, I say the pronoun "I" wayyy too much. I'm natually egocentric then. *Do I contradict myself? Very well then.. I contradict myself.* The William Poets are so wonderful. Ah, life is living each day like its the last. Jackie's well re-iterated cliche. And still. But still. I lay awake pretty sure I'm just going to be tired tomorrow. And that people just wander back alleys when they die quite alone. Or something like that. I love you. entertain me

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