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Oh to what I might have done... [14 Aug 2004|08:46pm] My father called me "Alexandra" today instead of Ally or Alex... it was utterly strange. Gracie and I went to the mall and are orchestrating an escape from the house tomorrow night for about an hour. My grandparents are here (( which means I have to watch both them AND the baby while my parents are in Hawaii )) and I'm supposed to stay in all week... but I don't think that's gonna happen =] I don't mind spening time with my family... we're alarmingly close and all... but Gracie promised Mark we'd go see him play. And so that we will, I hope. -le sigh- Things should always go my way. I refuse to allow them not to. I know I haven't been updating... they've all actually been mostly friends only or private. Everything's been the same mostly. School work and beautiful people and glamour and sucess. A deer ran itno my car. Other things ran into my car... Alli and I went rock climbing with Jori and C.O.N.O.R. ((note the CONOR there.. that's right... he was in town, and gorgeous. I miss him already)) and Allison was amazing. She's my god, I think, from now on. She made it to the top of each and everyone. I suck. I only made it tothe top of one, and I barely even did that =[ Jackie and I have been Partying (what else??) and we're going to be having movie nights and such now that I'm stuck in the house. I think its strange, Jackie pointed this out, that we have to lie and cheat and steal and speed around before curfew just to hang out with people. Its really not like we're doing cocaine or eachother. We're actually surprisingly good kids for all the parying we do =] The other night we both realized at the same time how much we loved all of our friends... our millions of groups of boys we're with. We're such hang-out whores, really. I was showing pictures of everyone to my grand- parents tonight: Jackie, TJ (( who's at a wedding right now. I hate you, Timothy. I hate you. You should be ... here.) and Quentin and Alli and my sister and I. I showed her pictures of Mich and Chris Ashbrenner... both of whom are undergoing a hurricane as we speak. And I thought about everyone and how much I'm going to miss them when things are over. I suppose they won't be for awhile, but it really doesn't matter. Some of the ones I love tho most are absent in my pictures. I couldn't capture them, I guess. I couldn't capture them at all. I think I have to go put baby to bed now. The other night I read him a book called "baby's boat" before nap-yime, and the last line is "sail, baby, sail, out upon that sea. But only don't forget to sail back again to me..." He said "okay." 2 _ _ entertain me

...mother nature is a whore [31 Jul 2004|01:49pm] ...but not really... My arms are still sore and there are cuts and bruises beyond beleif, but I am so proud of them and what they represent. Alli and I got through everything these past few days. We canoed, we waited aptiently for Josh to find the KEYS in order to let us canoe, we ate... a lot.. we dealt with Jori (my new father... because fathers can often times be annoying) and we fell in love with Mary, Zak, and their relationship as well. We threw a life-jacket into the water (Zak's idea...) and took funeral pictures of it with white flowers around ina circle. We roasted Alli's sock and got in loads of trouble for "stripping" in Gene's tent. We though Mr. Morris was a bear falling from the sky and into our tent (it wasn't out fault.. he didn't announce himself before beating furiosly on the side of our tent to tell us to be quiet and let the others get some sleep. Good loving.. you know.. Alli and I are just loud.) We made or own Blair With Project and we bought hand-cuffs from and Inbred Island in front of a touring group of Amish people. They told us the tragedy of Tangiere Island, and how for about 450 years, it has been the same families making their living off of the bay. They spoke with an Elizabethean brouge, and their small gravel streets only accomadate golf carts or bicycles. The drug problm has grown, from teenage boredom and from stress over the fact that the bay can't support them anymore. The youth has been leaving: off to college, and to anywhere but the little tragedy. We all made jokes about inbreeding and golf carts, but the picture of the tiny houses and their graveyards so full that they overflow into boats where cadavers are taken from their home to the mainland just to be buried sinks in the back of my head. I got involved. I actually did somethnig for once that can be construed as helpful and useful so someone other than myself. I got off my ass, and instead of just thinking or theorizing or wondering, I actually worked. It was absolutely beautiful. I love the feeling of being tired when I went to bed at camp; and I loved the feeling of knowing I would be aking up for a purpose in the morning. And more than anything, I loved talking myself to sleep with my Alli =]. The first friday after school begins, Alli, Zach, Mary, Jori, Gene and I are going to get together and begin a project for Bare Spot Restoration. We will pick a site in need and plant native Virginian plants , watered by run-off from buildings, to help prevent erosion. As strange as it sounds, I'm actually excited about this. entertain me

to be famous is so nice. [19 Jul 2004|01:37am] My daddy took us into D.C. today, and it was so beautiful. He spouted off all of his brilliant daddy-like genius about the government and such. Hell, he ran two miles in under 15 minutes practically to find us at one point. We filmed everything we could, and I think Michi's videotape of Stafford is finally finished. We watched it all, in it's entire glory, tonight with Gracie girl over Triscut pizzas and barbeque wings. I am going to miss Mich, even though I have to give her back to Florida now. I can't believe how long it's been. I really just can't at all. I am far away from everyone I'm close to, either physically or by some other incredibly strange barrier. I really think I can make that comment stretch to fit everyone I love. We got home tonight around 1130, because we were rebels. I wanted more than anything to dye my hair something something something, but Michi won't let me because she likes it the way it is. I am terribly bored though, with it, so I am thinking of cutting or some such. Who knows. It didn't matter though, because we got a lovely call from Quentin. He decided to be cool for once in his life and meet Michi. Eric hung about with us and they wrote a beautiful song for Michi, that turned out to be a twenty-odd minute rant about how large TJ's penis was. We stole a drumstick from the wall, neither or them know it... perhaps they will discover it one day, but once they do; it will already be safely tucked away in Michele's Florida home. Sometimes I really want my Florida home back. I never realized that I sang underneath my breathe until tonight. We've much to do, and little time. Good night, loveys. --alx. entertain me

"Gigantic? What does that mean? Fast?" [17 Jul 2004|11:17pm] Mich and I went to Laserquest with Alli Feldhause today... I love that girl. She's the sweetest thing, and she reminds me so much of Michi. I just k.n.e.w they'd love eachother. We browsed the Potomac Mills mall, as well, and searched for a Wendy's to no avail. So the ghetto Wendy's on 610 was visited duly. Self check-out is a bitch, but we have what we need to make shirts now. I feel so bohemian now. TJ called after we got in for the night and explained to us exACTly how homo-erotic wrestling is. They did an exersise called "riding legs" which Michele and I atempted to re-create under his coaching over the phone. Here's how she put it to the hot Drew charectar in Florida: gasolinerainbowX: she got on the floor on all fours gasolinerainbowX: and i hooked my foot under her leg gasolinerainbowX: basically lied myself face down on her back gasolinerainbowX: then kicked up her foot and pulled her arms out from underneath her and then totally fell on her because she was nolonger supporting herself gasolinerainbowX: and it was totally homoerotic .... we we're literally afraid of my father walking in and kicking Michi out for molesting me. Hawt. =] love and peace. --alx. entertain me

..and so you know... [17 Jul 2004|10:45pm] Michele created a livejournal for me a few days ago. Looks like Jackie and Alicia are going to follow the trend and be cool as well. So check us out, eh? My username is nothingmoves Jackie's is xblacktougnex Don't know Alicia's yet. But whatev. It'll come Im sure. I still love my Blurty though, I'm a loyal girl. So Check check them all out, shall we? Both my journal's are beautiful. --lexxie. 1 _ _ entertain me

hard-fucking-core. [17 Jul 2004|03:14pm] [ mood | bitchy ] [ music | Rum Diary -- Its Midnight ] Jackie and Michi and I went out to the mall and I'm creating a tredy little fuck out of the fabirc that is bohemian Michi. I'm working on it anyway. We were in Victoria's Secret when the bars began to fall down, meaning the mall is closing, and that was the greatest thing ever. I felt like such a little mall rat. But it was a gorgeous thing anyway. I spent all my money. Shirley gave me some more this morning... she's here right now. Brennan is absolutely in LOVE with the woman. It's hysterical. She buys him cars and lets him go play at McDonalds as much as he wishes. We went to see Alluvion play at Stafford Music. They were all pretending to be hardcore and mosh in the same fucking room I sing opera in every tuesday. That really amused me. The lyrics were horrible, but I am such a bass-whore. If a band has a good bass, I worship them practically. So I adored that. We saw Mistress Alicia, and that was straight. Ah. Tj. You're a good kid. Michi gives me a whole new perspective on Stafford. "Its more about the people than the places." ...And she's exactly right. I selfishly adore having Mich around just to chill even. I haven't been able to do that with her in so long. She probably hates Stafford, poor kid. =] But I love her so everything's alright with me. --alx. "Jesus Love's You." entertain me

I might like you better if we slept together. [16 Jul 2004|12:19am] [ music | seventeen -- ladytron ] Oh what a lovely plane ride it was to Stafford once again. We experianced an all male flight crew, that were somehow STILL interesting in my breasts (I consider that an accomplishment) and a lot of really bad vomit-inducing turbulence. We got Snapple and Wendy's and some Josh Murtha (who totally cut his hair. He looks English and like a hot, hot 8 year old.) and some Jackie and so now maybe (hopefully) Michi will feel enough at home that the coolness of downtown tomorrow won't set her at too much unease. I'm talking to an asian tiger, so I'll just come back later. -- alx. By the way. Michi totally made me a LiveJournal as well, so for all you hip kids that have them, my user name is nothingmoves. so check it out. And I'll check y'all later. =] entertain me

Not at the moment. [08 Jul 2004|08:35pm] [ mood | accomplished ] I have really no time, there's so much to do to get ready for Florida. Alicia became God (she's so beautiful, by the way. I don't think even she realizes how pretty she is) by saving Jackie and I last night. ...oh, last night. I love swimming. I love the boys. I love coffee. I love meeting people. I love faux punk fatigue. I love "said it all before." I love driving. I love Hartwood. I love the streets that shine like silver in the rain and make me think of love songs from Les Miserables. The world changes at night. Especially when its your own little world. We don't really leave it; our perception of things. I don't need, or want, quite frankly, anyone outside of the world I have right now. I love all of you so much. I wonder sometimes if that comes through as genuinly and as often I think about it. I really love you. You make Stafford lovely, and high school seem important. Four days. -alx. shall we dance, then, kiddo?

Goodnight. [03 Jul 2004|05:03pm] Out in the feilds with Ryan and Greg and was the strangest experiance in a long while. But it was lovely, and something there made me think of you. Something evreywhere does. "If you're not ever going to see someone again, it's like they've died." ...and Jackie's right. You've died. But I still think about you all the time, I hope you know. All I need is for you to know who you were to me. And I think about you, Allie Etta. Everyday. I think abou you morning and night when I take off your necklace or put it back on. But right now, I'm not wearing it, and lately I haven't wanted to. Lately I've had the distinct urge to take it off, almost as strong an urge as I used to feel to wear it. I don't know what that means, if it means anything at all. Maybe I just can't deal with it or maybe I'm weak and need to be free or something stupid stupid stupid like that. I don't know. I have no idea. I will see your grave in less than seven days. I don't think I can do it. I haven't though abuot it until just now. Oh Jesus Christ, you're under the ground. and I can see you in your carebears sweater or soemthing in white tennisshoes and capris staning alone at night scared and alone in the middle of a wet alley because thats what I was afraid yuo were doing that night after they put you in the ground. I don't think you're in the ground I think you're wandering the earth alone. I can't see your mom and your dad and your sisters because I don't know what to say or do I don't know where I am. I was never good. I was never good. I was never good. I want to see you. Kill me. Wake me up. Does anyone know the truth about who they are to me? Yes, it matters. Yes, it matters. Nothing else does. Fuck off fuck off fuck off all of you unless I'll never see you again. 2 _ _ entertain me

I was wrong. You'd make a fucking terrible soldier. [03 Jul 2004|04:28pm] Sleeping on the side of 95 in my car would have been worth driving in it and singing for an hour and a half. He is one of the funniest people I've met, honestly. And those boys were ALL so sweet. I love knowing that people care about me, especially when they have absolutley no reason to do such. I said last night that there were no good people left in the world but that was a fucked up statement, even if it were true, because I said it coming out of a night where I was surprised by the goodness in people I hardly even knew. And we got in about an hour and a half after curfew, we rebels. And we made up a life where everything works, but maybe I'm glad it hasn't come true quite yet. -alx. You'd get shot in the fucking head. I'd laugh. entertain me

I am a Whore. [29 Jun 2004|04:38pm] [ mood | flirty ] AH Michele Michele Michele I will see you in two weeks! I can't get up, I'm so tired. I didn't even DO anything. I didn't even DO anything. I just sat with the turn signal on and I heard it through the music becuase you kind of always do. But I don't even remember where I was turning to get. This is all so pointless and fake. We don't actually love anyone and I don't actually want to see anyone and I don't actually remember any of the turns I make. I lied. I love you. Brennan says his tummy hurts; I totally know he's lying but I don't care and I rub his back anyway. One hand of nails is painted pink and the other painted black. I know everything that Michi says is pretty much true. "You create your own paradise" is essentially what she's always told me when I bitch and complain about the stupid people I'm around. You make it work out. No one comes to save you. There is no such thing as a "wonderwall" or a savior or anything. You make them for yourself: maybe through other people or maybe through the things you do. But they don't exist independantly. So seriously, fuck the whole world up. I don't care if they don't see things the way I do. My sight sees much further than yours. And I know I've hurt and helped just as many people and anyone else. You're a poser virgin. You're a slut and so am I. We pretty much all are. And that's quite quite with me. My sight sees much further than yours. I am in love with the Velvet Underground. 2 _ _ entertain me

the beach. [27 Jun 2004|11:01am] [ mood | awake ] I sat on the roof of my car and watched the headlights pass down Madison's street. And Jackie stood below with a green ciggarette and her french accent and I love her dearly, I must say. And the night had just begun to fall down before we sped off stupid with still growing-up heads and being loud and drunk on air. And Gracie is nervous about her show, but I am not nervous for her at all because she is too brilliant to ever fuck anything up, and if she did, I'd think she was doing it on purpose. I want to live on the beach, even if it's that little hole of dirt in Fairveiw. We created our own paradise. It was gorgeous and so were we because, well, we always are. ...and outside in the dark the world keeps on rolling, the kids in cars with ciggarettes choking, and all that they are wreaks with the sweetest beleif.... -alex. 1 _ _ entertain me

With the Sound Turned Off. [26 Jun 2004|12:15pm] [ mood | content ] I think that Governor's School allows you to bullshit things on purpose. I think they realize how fucking hypocritical they are (and yes, I am a total hypocrite and moron for saying that and yet remaining within the system. But honestly... there IS no way out anymore. I kind of do want to go to college.) and subconciously give you easy assingments. It ruins our lives, really, and makes us ill-prepared for the future... ...assuming we had a fututre in the first place... but in anycase, they seem to often times allow us to "read" books that have already been made into movies or give us vague prompts with which to do what we will. It's nice to have the freedom... kinda funny, too. I still f.u.c.k.i.n.g hate summer assignments, though; inside governor's school or out. We are going to the beach today! Jackie, Annie, Gracie and I and going to go pick up boys (well, I might not be picking up boys, but they will!) and roam the shores of the Rappahannock River. =] I miss the beach so much. My plan in life has become incredibly simple. I am going to go to Berkley or Stanford or UCLA or ANY UNIVERSITY IN CALIFORNIA so I can live on the beach and be a beautiful bum. I miss Florida. I wish sometimes that we hadn't moved, but then I remember that things (besides Michi and Allie and such) could be bad down there, too, I guess. But Ft. Lauderdale just seems so much more like home than anywhere else, especially Stafford. And the kids, from what I could remember, and from what Michi tells me, are just so much f.u.c.k.i.n.g smarter and more mature. Hah. I guess I wouldn't fit in then. =] I had a dream about Chris Ashbrenner last night. It was the strangest thing. I guess 'cos I'm going down to Florida soon, I was thinking about everyone. The dream took place in Stafford, though, so I'm not sure what was going on there. I saw him, though, and we talked quite a bit in his house until late at night. Michi tells me he's got a little girlfriend now that he's always with, and it's the same girl he told me about the last time I talked to him... which was at least four or five months ago. Eee... young love. -grin- It's really strange. I've been dreaming more and more about the block I lived on in Florida, and going to people's houses in it and riding my bike around the neighborhood. I love nostalgia. <3 The smile dropped off his face, and I quite joking around. "I can never tell with you; and it scares the hell out of me." I can't tell either, love. --alex. 1 _ _ entertain me

For we are bound by everything. [23 Jun 2004|01:05pm] [ mood | cold ] I thought this was so lovely... it's from Jackie's profile. Cotton candy and a rotten mouth You know you're so fucked up You know I couldn't help but have it for you And everybody knows the way I walk And knows the way I talk And knows the way I feel about you It's all a bunch of shit And there's nothing to do around here It's totally fucked up I'm totally fucked up Wish you were here -Ryan Adams --lexxie (You want to be so fucking high and mighty? It doesn't work, because I'm right up there with you. Scary isn't it... facing people eye to eye?) 3 _ _ entertain me

silver and gold rings around. [22 Jun 2004|12:40pm] [ mood | blank ] I was driving back beach and staring out the window and thinking about how you told me its all become to intertwined and I believe you but isn't that just disgusting? But I think that one line describes the root of ALL the problems I have, not just the context in which it was spoke. It's all become too intertwined. Everything has all become too close. And isn't that just disgusting? And we got stuck in a traffic jam just outside of Stafford and I stared into the headlights at 10 oclock at night on 95 when it isn't abandoned. I feel like I'm in Rome. I feel like half of this matters. So because it matters I allowed myself to, without feeling stupid, miss everyone and who they COULD HAVE BEEN but weren't. And Alli called me and we talked for a bit while my father drove in the emergency lane and she told me somethings that made me more angry than you can imagine. Please don't give my Alli bad advice in my absence. I swear you really can't fix your image in my head now. I'm glad Alli is smart. And then she bought me something in walmart that makes me brilliantly happy, so I was okay again. The beach is so beautiful. I want to live in California. I want to go to Berkley of Stanford and finally live where I should be with bleached hair and brown skin and slatwater on my lips and big cities and away away away. But I would die without Gracie and my family would give me hell abuot leaving, even more hell than I would give myself, so I'll probably end up staying here. My car broke down. It doesn't even start. I get a loaner one tomorrow. I miss everyone and who they could have been but weren't. I am such a fucking idiot. entertain me

I'm Off. [17 Jun 2004|01:59pm] [ mood | busy ] I'm leaving for the beach tomorrow and I won't be getting back until around Tuesday. Yesterday was lovelie. It reminded me again of why I love Jackie so much. =] Ashley and I are going to bond over watching the baby for the rest of our lives today. -- i am the sun but men want distant stars and i am nothing of the sort. i am no cold pale girl walking down the alleyways at midnight all alone. and i could want you, too, but you would turn quickly away because you're the sun and you want winter on which to spend your warmth. so i am the sun ... I want your winter 'cos you turn yourself away, it's the back of a backlit canopy i see. -- Sleepwell, kids. See you soon. entertain me

Martinique [16 Jun 2004|01:19pm] [ mood | contemplative ] The closer I look, the more I see flaws. Maybe I have to make thing complicated, but maybe its just that they are complicated. I want to be simple. I want to get out. I want you to love me. I want to be here. Did I pass up what I think I did? You are something else, kid; they weren't bullshitting. entertain me

Even Dead People Like to Party. [15 Jun 2004|12:07pm] Oh, the things one sees in the back of Joey's truck. They are beautiful indeed. Jackie and I hung out with fun kids last night for a bit. We raced around the backroads looking for taquitos and then sat in Joey's car and giggled a lot with the boys. Marty and Joey are so cute. I do definatly approve of them. And Michi and I talked on the phone until we were approaching hour 5 of our conversation (according to my phone anyway) and the poor little communication device killed itself from exhaustion. I'm going to see her on july 10th. This is finally going to work out. And I babysat the little kid for awhile yesterday and he washed my hair while I was giving him a bath. He told me the other day he loved me. And basically yesterday was a good day. Oh yeh, Quentin sang me Elton John songs a week or so ago. It was beautiful. I think I will tell everyone that this IS my song. entertain me

He's there ....and I'm here. [13 Jun 2004|02:01pm] Over the past few days, Gracie and I bought last minute bathing suits at some random gasstation and played around at the pool and got super-tan. We drove around Stafford being rasta and gangsta and hot and drinking coffee because our souls are black, or more yellow-y I guess, 'cos its summer. And Jackie and I went to a show and saw Devy. I always felt weird around "the scene" (its so cheesy... kinda fake) but I really do like the music sometimes. This was one of those times. We had to leave early though because the Jamie and Joey and Nick called. So we went and played with them for awhile. And I kicked Nick's ass in a debate about sarcasm. He seems like cool kid, though. I got his cellphone number and the two of us shall be friends. All the events of my days seem to kinda blend together. I guess thats good. But its still strange. Jackie and I sat outside the show in my car and ate taquitos and were so fucking witty that I was almost crying by the time we left to go back to the show from laughing so hard. We are just too cool. I can't wait to go see Alli today. =] Eee! and Jori shall be there, too. I love our little clique of governor's school people. I love having so many different cliques. Uh, I love life in general. There you go. 1 _ _ entertain me

your tounge is like POISON and it fills up my mouth. [11 Jun 2004|09:24pm] [ mood | artistic ] [ music | dark and dark and rolling over. ] Some random guy called my houese tonight. No idea who it was. Weird number. And now there are fireworks and gunshots going on outside my window. And the rainy streets freak me out. I miss my ittle sister. I miss TJ. I miss everyone. --lexxie. And if my sister died, I'd kill myself. Yes, I'm that dependant. 2 _ _ entertain me

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