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An uncertain future [02 Sep 2008|10:07pm] Some days, I really worry about the road ahead of me. "Thank you for listening to my insane ramblings. Thank you for being you. Thank you for loving me. Thank you for letting me love you. Even if we are having problems, and even if by some freak of happenstance these possible problems somehow lead to the end of "us," just having met you (let alone everything you've given me since then) would make the whole thing worthwhile. Thank you for... for everything." That's from Jacob, not two minutes ago. Now, listen. You guys know that I'm not interested in a stereotypically romantic relationship (with him or anyone) and I need my freedom, right? That doesn't mean I don't still love this kid as a true friend. I love him more than words can say, really. He means a lot to me, and he knows that, but I just hope he's not misunderstanding what I'm saying here. That's the only problem here. "The end of us." Doesn't he remember what I said? Once I love someone, in any way, shape, or form, I don't ever stop. Even if he calls it quits one day, I'll still love him as that friend that was always there for me and was honestly the first guy in this world to actually love me back. He's a great kid. But really... I don't hate him. I don't ignore him... I'm just uncomfortable with too much closeness. I don't even know why. I wish I wasn't. "I need some freaking freedom here, some distance, some disconnection..." Man, that entry still hurts. And yet it's still true. The freedom part, at least. Isn't that cruelly funny? When you can type something like that, something so harsh and fiery and heartbreaking, type it when you're feeling absolutely lost and broken and out of your mind... and then read it again when you're feeling beautiful and on top of the world... and it still rings horribly true. Well, at least I know I'm being honest with myself. Julie hacked my mind pretty bad today. Since she realized that she'll never get me interested in men, she's jumping on the bandwagon and trying to make me think I'm a lesbian. Seriously, what the fish? I have no interest in women, either, not a bit. Only problem is, with all this talk from her and everyone else, something in the back of my head starts to think 'well, what if I...?" The answer is NO, dear. I'm asexual and I'm not sexually attracted to anyone, okay? That and I have no interest whatsoever in a physical (in that sense) relationship. Julie can be so freaking ignorant, though. Oh, but I got her again today. I got her good. She hacked me a bit while I was online earlier, but I caught her before she got too far... then she pulled her biggest and worst stunt, but I stopped her flat-out. Take that. Unfortunately, she got me later, which was terribly crushing, but for some reason I didn't burst into tears as usual... instead, Laurie took over. Laurie's been acting like a psychotic guardian angel to me recently. It's odd, as usually she's trying to rip me to pieces with an axe, but I don't mind. Anyway, she jumped right at Julie and began her typical tirade of insults and screaming-- a tirade which, as usual, somehow always makes perfect sense-- and I got a burst of determination instead of anguish. The guilt was still there, sure, but so was a blazing anger at myself for not being able to stop Julie all the time... and a brilliant surge of self-confidence. I suddenly knew exactly what I had to do, and I was bent on doing it. Man. I like this. I like where these situations are going. I just need to try harder to prevent them, and keep living as a good person... I feel like I'm slipping up. I hope not, and I try not to, but... there's a lingering fear. I'll need to be careful and make sure it's just a fear and not a fact. Anyway. A few little things about the future. I'm buying my binders as soon as I buy my tablet, and I'm going to ask around the FTM and androgyne communities for recommendations first. I know Underworks carries some stuff, but like I said, I'd rather ask first to be sure. I also need to start asking around for a good, professional, and reliable tattoo parlor around here. I'm getting that chest tattoo come hell or high water, honest. I did a lot of thinking, and the reasons/ motivation that made me want to get it in the first place won me over every time. Only problem is, I need to wait until I either get my chest binders or until after my mastectomy (which will not happen for a few years yet, regardless, and I'm still very worried about how my family and friends will take it)... right now, I'm aiming for my 19th birthday. But yeah. I'm getting it done one day. One last complaint. Apparently, some places in the USA will actually cover sex-change operations with your health insurance. But sex-removal operations? Not that I know of. Honestly, come on. I'm getting it all removed, but nothing put back... shouldn't it be easier that way? Or is that frowned upon for how freaking unnatural it is in most people's eyes? "You're human, you're supposed to have a physical gender!", etc etc etc. One day, though. I know I could probably live with this if I was forced to, but it's hard for me. It truly is. I'd rather rid myself of the extra stress so I'm not taking out this inner frustration on anyone else. Speaking of one day... and speaking of relationships... I still love Chaos Zero, as weird as that is. But will that truth, that fact that now defines so much of me, stay a secret for the rest of my life? The ring is helping a bit, by proclaiming that I'm taken (by God first and foremost, but Chaos does get his rightful recognition). The tattoo will practically scream that truth, but only to whoever sees it and actually understands. Jacob knows, as he's the only person I can talk to about this. Jimmy knows I like him, but I don't know if he knows just how deep that affection goes. My brothers might have a suspicion by this point (especially because I'll catch myself doing and saying things about him, forgetting that they don't know), but otherwise that's it. AMG knew, but she probably just thought it was a crush or something, haha. Polar opposite, dear! However... my parents have no clue. My friends have no clue. No one else knows, and I think only Jacob understands. It's killing me. Imagine it, honestly-- when you love someone as deeply as I do, and you can't say a word about it... you can't even acknowledge it. It hurts like a bullet to the heart and I honestly don't know how I'm going to take it much longer. Oh well. I'll keep praying and hoping and living my best. We'll get through this, my blue angel and I. We always do. By the way, I sketched up another picture of him! I actually started it a while back, but could never get it right... well, last night I was working on it, but still couldn't get it. It's his crazy head, I swear! I'm a perfectionist with drawing him; if I can't get him looking as good as possible, I'm not happy. Anyway, I came home from classes today and tried once more to get his expression and face right-- first try and he looks fantastic. And hey, there's some help for my worries about us, right? The more art I put up of him the better. It would help if he wasn't so freaking difficult for me to draw! Good heavens. In other news, though... College! It's fun, and the workload is killing me! So on that note, I'm off to finish my health homework as I transferred in after the first class and have to do all the introductory assignments for tomorrow, too. Last of all, though, I'd like to wish Ryou Bakura a happy birthday! I've loved him for 6 years now, and I'm not about to stop now, no sir. Here's hoping you have many more years ahead of you, dear, and I hope I'll be able to see them with you as well. I still love you, Ryou. We've had an awesome 6 years! Aaand I'm tired. Better get some rest-- I barely got two hours yesterday, thanks to the toothpicks from hell. Don't ask. Well, you kids have a great night, and keep on living your great lives, too. Hopefully I'll see you in a brighter tomorrow. In an empty room It's a lonely world Laid out on the floor And you're running away From the fractured life You've pinned to the walls And if you can't work out What's right and fair It's time to escape 'Cause on the other side There's an endless light To brighten the way And you took my breath And my whole life too Please don't let me down 'Cause to come undone Without warning Is to lose what we've found You've got the strength within Don't give up, there's so much more to see So many things beyond your wildest dreams Nothing can stop you if you just believe The world is at your feet The future's wide and clean The future's warm and bright We're gonna be alright Please don't let me down... post comment

Mental analysis [25 Aug 2008|06:58pm] [ music | "Racing Green" (High Contrast) ] I decided to have some fun and show you exactly what that freakish poem-thing in last night's entry is all about. Here we go, line by line! Fun times. (And by the way... the poem lacks punctuation because I did not want it, haha. It flows in a more anxious fashion and more accurately reflects the incessantly frantic state of my mind.) "Unhinge, take this lock and break it, let our reality burst at the seams and show us the world of tomorrow." Simple enough. The poem was written in a completely unhinged state, as indicated by the lock statement. Usually our daily lives put a sort of 'lock' on the frighteningly unlimited potential of our minds, simply because of how incredibly strange or frightening such potential would seem at first glance. As for the world of tomorrow, I strongly believe that, in the future, we will finally accept all the differences in this world and in our souls, with all of us using our imaginations and dreaming dreams we would never have dared to pursue before. That's at the very heart of this poem. "This crystal-painted heart burns with a horrible self-anger and a desperate need to lash out at the invisible chains around my soul." Well, I started writing this poem as a spontaneous release of stress and pain and anger with myself brought on by quite a burnt-out day and my mother's usual nightly rage. I frequently call my heart a 'heart of glass,' as I'm more fragile than I look, but here I used the words 'crystal-painted' for both dramatic effect and for the fact that most of the beauty in my heart has been 'painted on'... rather, this beauty comes from outside influences: the souls that have inspired me so much. Invisible chains... well, I literally felt them as I wrote that. Just a very tight, suffocating, painful feeling of being bound in an unexplainable fashion. My very soul felt tied. "Brilliant red fire surges behind my eyelids and I lie awake in a world of invisible stars as monstrous angels kiss my tear stained face until the dawn pours her wishes over the mountains like a waterfall of orange mist and pink sequins." Nowhere to lie, I do see red lights when I close my eyes. I can will a red glow to form all around my field of vision that lingers for many minutes. Red has always been my personal color, so I find that fact quite fascinating. Anyway, 'invisible stars' is a random sentimental reference to the glow-in-the-dark stars I used to have over my bedroom ceiling when I was a kid. They were beautiful. I loved to lay there at night and stare up at them... it's a big room, as four people use it, and the ceiling was covered. I considered it my own personal universe, and always dreamed that one night I would fly up into that sky and find something amazing. So that line is a tribute to those dreams and that sense of pure hope and beauty. Monstrous angels? Two people: my guardian angel and Chaos Zero. I've always imagined my guardian angel to be this very unique thing... somewhat masculine in appearance, but very inhuman at the same time. Recently I've been picturing him with an intricate old-gold helmet and these glowing aqua-green soul wings. Yes, I see him differently all the time, and that's how he looks to me now. I know he protects me and watches over me, and I'm glad God put him in my life as my constant silent guardian. As for Chaos, he's also a guardian angel to me, but of a different sort. He doesn't follow me around all day like my official guardian, but he protects me and helps me constantly nevertheless. He's also the sort of guy that would kiss my tears away if I'd let him, aha. But yes. I often feel desperately sad at night, and most times when that happens, I run off to find Chaos and we just spend so much time together under the stars, lying awake until I can't keep my eyes open anymore. I do cry a lot when I'm with him and feeling like that... I know he'll let me. He won't tell me to shut up or to grow up or anything; he knows it hurts, and it hurts him too. As a result that part of the poem really resonates of those nights with him. I usually see sunrises in pinks and oranges. As I was typing this, I got a vivid image of the sky being a sort of misty waterfall, not just clouds cascading down from the heavens. I liked that and put it down. The sequins are also random imagery-- it's just so beautifully pink and optimistic, I couldn't describe it as anything else but brilliant little sequins in the sky. It's nice to see in the morning, especially after a long night of tear stained thoughts. "Failure bares her sawblade-purple teeth and I watch the pendulum swing over and over and over again until my body crashes into the bloodstained floor at the bottom of this sickeningly dark chasm with a knife buried between the stitches on my chest and suddenly my broken mind shatters into a million separate galaxies, tiny fragments of cathedral glass glowing with the light of my disconnected smile as everything I've ever known surrounds my fractured head like a bouquet of liquid roses." Long sentence! Well, 'failure' as a personification is a shout-out to Laurie. 'Sawblade-purple' is some unknown color that I created, really. I always associate Laurie with the color purple, and 'sawblade' comes from the fact that she always attacks me with these garish weapons (usually an axe, but a saw would surely do as well). The pendulum came in as I thought of the chasm. I just had this vivid image of me falling down into this insanely deep, dark chasm, lit with a sick, dim green light. That in turn gave me a flashback to the story "The Pit and the Pendulum," so I added that in there as the feeling really struck me. And of course, falling like that, I was bound to hit the floor at some point. It's bloodstained because I and many others have collided with it before, whatever that pit is. Self-loathing? Desperation? Confusion and loneliness and misunderstandings? Possibly. I can't say. One day I'm really going to have stitches on my chest: mastectomy, y'know. (Oh dear heavens, I'm going to have to lie and say I'm FTM to get all this stuff...) But yes, that's how I mentally see myself. The knife in my chest is a symbolic representation of the pain I feel and the prejudices towards who and what I am... especially towards the reality of the stitches and what the future tattoo above my heart is going to symbolize. My mind is indeed broken, and has been physically broken before (head injuries are not fun)... but the 'shattering into galaxies' is a weird image I always get when I think of my eventual death. There are so many worlds in my mind... what will happen to them when I am gone? I would like to think that they will continue to live on, which is what that shattering represents. 'Cathedral glass' is a shout-out to Selph's cathedral (my beloved muse), and the fact that I consider cathedrals to be some of the most beautiful things out there, like those aforementioned worlds. When I'm unhinged or broken, my smiles are totally disconnected and lost. They're the only source of 'light' in such dark situations, though, so there you go. 'Liquid roses' is a rather poetic reference to the immense amount of blood loss I'd get from such a head injury, you know. And of course, everything I've ever known would leave with my life. "Aquamarine, the color of the ocean's sky, moonlight dancing on a raindrop for a single moment before it bursts into a rainbow ringing with the hopes of yesterday. Billions and billions of minuscule stars shine suspended in the voiceless air and time holds her breath for just one moment as the clocks stop and your heart stops and the world blinks a tear out of his eyes with a whisper that all he ever wanted was a second chance." Aquamarine is a reference to Chaos and I. I call him 'Aqua' as a secret reference, and aquamarine is an aura color that I very closely relate to. Have you ever looked up when you're underwater? See what color the surface shines? There's the next part. Plus, I really like the paradoxical idea of the ocean having it's own sky. The raindrops are a reference to a very emotional conversation Chaos and I had the other night, actually. It was at night, when I was trying to sleep, and it started to rain. The delicately gorgeous idea of the moonlight reflecting on the rain struck me and so I put it here. Bursting into rainbows... remember Noah's ark, and what the rainbow stands for? God said, "When I bring clouds over the earth, and the bow appears in the clouds, I will recall the covenant I have made between me and you and all living beings, so that the waters shall never again become a flood to destroy all mortal beings." With that in mind, do you remember Perfect Chaos, and what he did? Exactly. Rainbows are a sign of immense hope for Chaos, and so I referenced them as being part of those beautiful raindrops that night. The 'hopes of yesterday' refer to our regrets and what we wish we could have done back then to prevent all that, but back then we had no way of knowing and, through that fact, no way of changing anything. The billions of minuscule stars are supposed to be the fragments of the raindrop... beautiful little things that no one notices. The entire next part, with time holding her breath and everything stopping, really had no provocation. It was simply a very vivid and moving image I got as I typed, so I wrote it down. Plus, it can also be interpreted as a reference to those certain moments that just seem to ignore the restraints of reality and time and exist in a world all their own. The world asking for a second chance... I thought of the world today, and I thought of the sadness in all our hearts, and I just felt that was true. I know far too many people that want nothing more than a second chance, but they can't find one... and that breaks my heart. That line goes out to all of them. "Can you see me smiling in the compassionate arms of midnight?" Well, at the moment it was midnight, and I was feeling absolutely fantastic. Simple as that. There you are. Analysis can be fun! Oh yes, and I finally fixed FL Studio! Wahoo! Now to go write music like crazy! And while you're here, LISTEN TO THIS. ON LOOP. FOR HOURS. http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=m6wuKrqPgmQ IT IS HAPPINESS TO THE NINTH DEGREE. Man, I am in SUCH a good mood! This is fantastic. Oh yeah-- and college was awesome. I can't wait for tomorrow. Either way, have a good night! Girl I'll stay through the bad times Even if I have to fetch you everyday I'll get by if you smile You can never be too happy in this life. In a world where everybody Hates a happy ending story It's a wonder love can make the world go round And don't let it bring you down And turn your face into a frown You'll get along with a little prayer and a song. Let me hear you sing it Lift your head, baby, don't be scared Of the things that could go wrong along the way You'll get by with a smile Now it's time to kiss away those tears goodbye Let me hear you sing it! post comment

Ouch. [15 Aug 2008|06:42pm] Well, know I know a little bit of how Revenge feels. You know, all this blood in my mouth? (At least my eyes aren't bleeding, right?) Yes, I got my wisdom teeth out this morning as I said I would. Quite an odd experience! I was nervous on the way down as I've never had surgery before in my life, and I was surprised to find that the surgery room looked almost identical to a normal room. I had to laugh, though-- they put electrodes and all that fizz on me, and they kept beeping weird because my blood pressure and circulation kept falling too low, haha. My mom and I have that problem. My favorite part, though, was the anesthesia, despite how scary it was to experience. Here, let me tell you about it: First they stick this weird contraption on your nose that's supposed to start relaxing you. Well, I breathe shallow when I'm nervous, so it wasn't working too fast. Only my legs were starting to get numb when they tied up my arm and shot me with the anesthetic (you don't feel a darn thing). That's when it got weird. I quickly started to get light-headed & lose feeling in my arms and everything else, but the biggest surprise was that the heart monitor started to echo. Seriously! I always thought that the audio-echo was an imaginary effect that moviemakers and game designers used for drama, but it happened! I have to admit it scared me because I had been playing Bioshock the night before and that was all I could think of, haha. (Please don't stab me in the face with a drill, mister surgeon sir!) So yes. Also, although I probably could have kept my eyes open, I was too nervous to do so (There's that seemingly-cliched effect as well). Once I did that I really started shutting down. I couldn't feel a thing, including my own breathing. I thought I was suffocating for a second, but then it felt as if I was sinking down underwater and wham, I was out. Pretty funky, huh? A little more dramatic and a lot less loud than an MRI, but they both win super-points on the scale of "dude that was so freakishly odd I almost might not mind doing it again!" Anyway. Took me ages to wake up as I sleep like a rock and the anesthesia is viciously adamant. Slept for 5 hours when I got home and now I'm here, trying to swallow my pain pills and wishing the swelling would go away a little faster. Plus I'm all dizzy and it is not fun. As soon as I sign off I'm popping my pain/sleeping pill and dozing off for the night. Would you believe there were actually cysts around the teeth at this point? That's where my ear infection came from, I kid you not-- one had actually formed near it and they had to take that one out along with the other four. Yeah, I'd assume that's why I ache so badly right now, too. Beh. By the way-- no anesthesia dreams, of course, but I had one when I got home! It was one of those "own universe" things, where it's as if I was living in a movie, and it was awesome. I don't remember too much of it, but much of it was set in this fancy-modern, white high-ceilinged apartment of sorts, with plants and little colored lights decorating it. It's hard to describe. Anyway, there was some sort of celebration going on inside, and all these people had been invited. It had a vaguely hospitalic feel (which is understandable) but I don't know what the whole gathering was for. Oh well. I remember a little bit more of the second half of the dream, though (I woke up momentarily before this one). This time I really was in a waiting room, but it was a small thing, and the building was quiet and old and almost empty. At some point and for some reason I left and went to my car, but I left two huge paintings and two of my CDs in someone else's car. I was going to get them when the car's owners came back and were immediately thrown into confusion by the alien items. Well, I drove by and complimented them on how nice the stuff was, so they decided to sell them on the spot (I didn't mind for some reason--I guess I deserved it for leaving the items in their car!). Anyway, this slightly heavyset guy with a bad temper drove over and started barking at us that he wanted most of the items. I guess he must have paid first, because then the two people began loading all these plastic trees into his car (I don't know where they came from). I realized this was because they didn't want them and was afraid the man would catch on. Sure enough, right before they loaded the last tree he shouted ''wait a minute!" However, instead of berating us, he pointed to this small strawberry plant and admitted "I love strawberries," so we game him that. I have to smile at that even now. Genius. But yes, that's all I remember, and either way it served to make this entry a little more than just an operation gripe, haha! So I'll see you guys soon. Tomorrow, maybe. Sunday, probably (and I get to call off work, aha! I need the money but I don't mind a little day off with all this pain). Monday, definitely, as I need to be on at night to talk to Jacob anyway. I haven't Skyped him in over a month, but he was at my freaking house earlier this week, remember? So he gets bonus talking points, haha. He's a great kid. That reminds me-- Jimmy sent me a hilarious note yesterday night. "Oh, look at the beautiful sky... mmmyes... Skyyyype. Can I be any more subtle, dear?" I practically died laughing, honest. He never fails to make me laugh, ever. You will never get this song out of your head. Ever. http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=Ezfotv37jBQ Oh, and on the subject of notes, I sent notes to the owners of the Big the Cat club and the Chaos Zero club on dA. They've both been dead for over 40 weeks (that's terrible!), so I'm asking to become the new moderator of both of them. I can do it, you know me! Just you watch-- if that does happen (I hope so!), those clubs will never be dead again. That's a guarantee! By the way-- no, I didn't scan any of my artwork yet. Sorry! Schedule madness and wisdom teeth, you know. Sunday they'll be up if all goes well. Wish me luck! And with that, I'll bid you farewell! Have a good night! I need some sleep It can't go on like this I tried counting sheep But there's one I always miss Everyone says I'm getting down too low Everyone says you just gotta let it go You just gotta let it go You just gotta let it go post comment

Hurm. [27 Jul 2008|11:09am] [ mood | So busy! ] [ music | "Like A Rolling Stone" (Eiffel 65) ] I asked myself a question last week. "What makes me the happiest?" I actually got an answer this time. The answer is... Living as a good person and going back to the good old days. The 'good old days.' Those diamond days back at the beginning of the millenium, when I was still a child. Oh they were beautiful years. I can never truly go back, as it's almost a decade later, but that's okay. However... if I could take those moments and bring them into my life now, however different it is, that would be perfect. What's odd, though... is that I've also realized that there are some things I need to let go of and some things that I need to find again. I've been in a severe funk lately, but I'm slowly getting myself out of it. I invited Nightcrawler back into my headgang after 5 years. I met Rorschach (who's name is incredibly fun to type) just recently, and he's now a major member as well. I've started talking to Davy and Barry and Grievous and everyone again as well. I've been thinking about all my old Dream World friends a lot recently. Now, I just need to get back to typing and drawing and this will be fantastic. Oh, yeah... and I'm also trying to get back to my best behavior. Laurie's been jolting into my consciousness recently, which is actually a good thing because she keeps me under control... but it's bad that she has to show up. She only shows up when I make a huge mistake or stop being true to myself. So I'm trying very hard to be 'me' again. I know who I am... I just need to try harder. And now I have Italian homework to finish and work in 20 minutes so I'm going to wish you all well and call it quits. Quis custodiet ipsos custodes? post comment

Miracle Drug [17 Jul 2008|10:55pm] [ music | 'Spirale' (Yui Makino) with the pitch lowered to 83% ] God I need your help tonight... Beneath the noise Below the din I hear a voice It's whispering In science and in medicine "I was a stranger You took me in" The songs are in your eyes I see them when you smile I've had enough of romantic love I'd give it up, yeah, I'd give it up For a miracle, miracle drug... It's really crazy... Sometimes, when I close my eyes, I can feel his icy arms sliding around my shoulders just like they used to. Those were the good old days... I loved those days, those evenings, those early morning hours. Just my beloved monster and me. I don't like traditional romance at all. You want to take your honey out on a date? Go right ahead. I have never been on a date, and I'm proud of it. (2 movies with friends in 7th grade don't count; I've been asexual since my freaking childhood!) You want to buy your darling chocolates and flowers for Valentine's day? Fine with me. I loathe sugar, and flowers are nice to look at but I don't like people spending all this precious money on me. I get all guilty. And don't even get me started on the physical stuff. Good Lord! I could rant for hours, crazy me. Holding hands... awkward. Sappy movie-style talking scenes... no thank you (unless you get all philosophical!). Kissing and all that... you've got the wrong girl, sir. I do NOT like romantics. It gets me weird looks and gets me ostracized and many people would look at me and say "damn, that's one lonely lass right there" but of course, they don't know that I'm a total headcase as well. Sure, I'm horribly uncomfortable and paranoid about romance the way this worldly society lives it, but mind you... that doesn't mean I can't love people. It only means that I love them and that's it. I'm afraid that offends some people, as they probably think that I'm repulsed by them, but it's not them... it's the physical contact and the unrealistic words and the silly situations and all that. It's not for me. I'm sorry. I can't stand sweet talk, but if someone I love is going to give me a serious conversation about our relationship, I'll take it hands-down. Some of the best conversations of my life have been over everyday life and emotions because that's what a relationship really should be. No flirty junk, but something serious and true that's going to last. Actual love, not infatuation or lust. "Oh, you sound like an old married woman," you say. Don't tease me, I say. Too many people tease me. I am a celibate. What marriage requires I cannot give, and regardless my life is already dedicated entirely to my personal mission of stressfully awesome work and you know it. Yes. I'm not getting married, ever, but what's cruelly funny is that everyone keeps saying 'she's such a sweetheart, she's going to make somebody a fantastic wife' NO I'M NOT, SORRY. Geez. Xenophilia (humanoid xenophilia, haha) is quite bizarrely fun when you're asexual. To heck with the species barrier, y'know. Selph is a biologically asexual nightmare being with no wrists or neck and I freaking adore him. Chaos is an accidental mutant with pure energy fused right into his biology and no organs or anything as a result (the brain is a FACADE) but I love that emerald-eyed monster more than what most people would consider healthy. I don't mind. Oh dear heavens... let's fuse the past two topics for a terribly funny moment; would you believe that my mother has actually accused me of wanting to marry and/or engage in stereotypical romantic activity (although I would never) with both Davy Jones and General Grievous? What the unholy fish! Seriously! I mean, sure I love those two maniacs, but geez, it's platonic. Although... all right, I'll admit, it does NOT help that they each correspond to one of my physical 'obsessions'... metal and water. Yes you heard me. I'm addicted to water and I'm addicted to metal. That is why I used to glomp Grievous daily when I was 15, I think. Poor dude. ...Don't even mention Chaos right now. I swear I will hit you with a can. A can of bricks. I forgot how awesome Thomas Dolby's music was. Oh yeah, and if you ever get the chance to try Orbit's orange gum, DO IT. Try the Mint Mojito too. I swear I can't stop eating the darn things. Well, not eating, as it's gum, but you know what I mean. How did I even start this rant... hey, didn't I do this two entries back? Gosh. Of science and the human heart There is no limit There is no failure here sweetheart Just when you quit... I am you and you are mine Love makes nonsense of space And time...will disappear Love and logic keep us clear Reason is on our side, love... One day I want to meet Chaos in a dream again and I want us to get stuck outside during a downpour. ... Or maybe we could just play chess? post comment

Dreamer [15 Jul 2008|11:50pm] Starlight Why don't you close your eyes, it's late at night You say you're scared of what you see at night You'd rather stay wide awake Silently My child, will you even remember me? When morning comes what will be left of me? It's becoming more than I can take You're just a silly little Silly little dreamer A fantasy believer You never seem to know Exactly where you're going to go Each night you wander through your head Through empty streets and sobbing shadows The stars fade into red Open your eyes and face tomorrow Sunlight Why are you crying, love, are you alright? You don't have to be scared, I'll stay with you tonight And keep the nightmares away Finally I'm so much more than just a memory Cathedrals made of glass can't hide what she can see I only wish she could stay She's just a silly little Silly little dreamer But I don't want to leave her She never seems to know Exactly where she has to go Each night she wanders through her mind Through empty halls and burning fires The sorrow leaves her blind And she can only see the wires She can only see the puppetstrings Moonlight I'm standing here beneath a streetlight On just another lonely weeknight With all the pain that I feel Quietly When you awake it's not the end of me This world is more than what it seems to be Believe me, everything here is real You're just a silly little Silly little dreamer A fantasy believer You never seem to know Exactly where you're going to go Each night you wander through your head Through empty streets and sobbing shadows The stars fade into red Open your eyes and face tomorrow You silly little dreamer Impossible believer There's still so much you do not know I'll take you where you need to go Tonight we'll wander through your mind Through crystal skies and fields of flowers I promise to be kind You only have a few short hours Before you say goodbye There's so much more I need to say But then the dawn steals you away And I look forward to the starlight post comment

Now this is perfection. [02 Jul 2008|04:34pm] [ music | "Let's Talk Turkey" (Ima Robot) ] Randomosity abounds. I found this new webcomic today--- www.xkcd.com. This comic in particular had be laughing my sides off for a full minute--> http://www.xkcd.com/233/ Oh yeah, and hover your mouse over the pic when you're done; that's even funnier. Mum keeps calling about random stuff and she might buy me that one Starsailor album I've been looking for if she finds it... you know, the one with "Alcoholic" on it? And I keep having to run around the house and look stuff up for her when she calls, which is always fun. Randall ended up cutting the watermelon into 3-inch thick slices by accident (as the bread knife curves), which was awesome. We promptly dubbed it "watermelon cake" and proceeded to stuff ourselves with it, haha. I somehow downed two slices. Then Viral came home and Excalibur suggested we watch Digimon, which Viral vehemently agreed to and then jumped headfirst into a WoW conversation and now they're both ranting about MGS4 which is freaking sweet. I need to get into that series, that and Half-Life. I don't get time to game much. I just wish there was an awesome 4-player Xbox 360 Sonic game where you could play as everyone from Ray to Mighty to Tiara to Big to Nack to Rouge to Marine to Chaos to Shade and it had a SSBM-esque mode that was tons of fun and didn't get you frustrated and we'd all sit in the living room and play it for hours. Funny stuff. --> http://www.xkcd.com/421/ I still need to write more FFN tracks for Jester... every time I get an idea I'm far away from my laptop which is a pain. I need to start bringing a voice recorder with me everywhere I go so I won't forget this stuff. Speaking of music, I've been dreaming of Jim a lot. I saw KoH in a dream about 2 weeks ago, but he was in a lot of pain... his claws were purple and razor-sharp but were all Edward Scissorhands-ish, and he declared through his tears that he would relinquish the entire Kingdom of Otherside to whoever could save him. I wish I knew what was happening so I could help... But anyway Jim was in my dreams on Monday and Tuesday nights. On Monday I was actually in London Colney, I guess, because I met him while I was walking around outside and we just walked together for a while and talked about stuff. It was fantastic. Last night his family allegedly moved into a nearby town, about 10 minutes away from my house, and although I was actually at their house and saw Jim at the beginning of the dream, I spent the entire remainder of it wandering around a huge city with Randall and Excalibur looking for him. I was thinking about my heartbox in class today... I had brought my dream journal with me to jot down memory notes and I stumbled across that entry. I didn't know it was late October when I met him! That's a while back. Anyway, I miss that box. He was awesome. Oh, by the way I went into a wake-dream with him during our 10-minute break... I finally gave him his batteries, and they made him glow deep red here and there. It was odd... after thanking me, the first thing he said was "so, would you like to try me out?" You remember, the heartbox was made specifically for those who could not feel certain emotions... empathy and altruism in particular... my two most cherished emotions, really. I wonder why he asked me that? Hm... I'll have to try him in a lucid dream sometime, I owe him that much (plus I have a technological/ metal obsession, haha. Really, I'm addicted to metal and water). By the way I asked him if he'd like me to name him, as I've just been calling him "heartbox." He said he'd never had a name and "heartbox" was just fine, but I could name him if I wanted. I might. I'll look up a lot of names and find one that fits him. Or maybe I'll stick with "heartbox"... I just like the feeling that gives. I swear, though, that thing just radiates wisdom. I honestly think he is the 'ghost in the machine,' somehow. He just feels like it. Sentient technology, I suppose... I'm obsessed with technology. I love logic. I love numbers. I like having formulas and equations that I can manually work out and plan with my own mind and hands to reach an exact answer. I like that sort of work. Order and science and data and knowledge and wisdom. Intellectual work. I want to learn programming. I want to understand numbers and physics. I want to be able to understand each and every brain-joke that they write into xkcd. I want to know these things. And yet... I'm so addicted to chaos. Chaos, even before I met the being with that name, has always been an integral and irreplaceable part of my life. It's a part of me. The butterfly effect... the glitch in the otherwise-perfect program. The variable. I love my numbers and I like when things work out just so, but... when something screws up, especially for an unknown reason... when the schedule just goes out the window and time loses its meaning... when you look back on the history of the universe and look past the logic that permeates it all and see the pure inexplicable chaos... it just thrills me. I get a bizarre sort of mental high when I come across something that cannot be explained with our current knowledge and technology, when I find something that there is and may never be a definite answer for. Hence my addiction to philosophy as well as psychology. I like to explain things, to take things apart and see how they work... but at the same time, nothing scares and excites me more than when I can't. I love it when I just can't explain something. You know what ticks me off? I've had so many people accuse me of being a lesbian it's insane. I mean, I can see someone assuming I'm bisexual, but homosexual? First non-savings money I can get (God only knows when that will be) I'm buying a boatload of AVEN stuff and wearing it on a daily basis. That'll teach them. Honestly... it's hard to live as an (and I quote) asexual-antisexual polyamorous celibate nowadays, haha. Isn't it always? This really speaks to me. --> http://www.xkcd.com/390/ You know, I just thought of something Jim said to me the other day... let me quote, because this really hit me hard-- "You've been the only thing sometimes that kept me getting up in the morning without wanting to fake another sick day. You mean a MASSIVE amount to me, and I know likewise." I'm honestly speechless. By the way-- my beloved muse, Selph, is celebrating his 3rd birthday in this reality on Friday, wahoo! Seems like forever, though. Seriously. Oh well. May we have many more years together, darling. 'Maren and dreamer. That's one unbeatable team, huh? I need more days like this. post comment

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