6:46PM - I'm Semen
| If i was a Bodily Excretment i would be: |
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| What kind of Excretment are you? |
Current mood: crappy
Current music: Sounds of The RR RR Challenge-The Inferno
Well it's been a HELLA long time since I have written in this journal lol. But here's whats been going on. Had a boyfriend named Tylor...turned out to be a dick majorly. Talked to E. For 2 hours lol. Got accepted to go on a mission trip to Tampa Florida at the end of July. Applied for jobs. Went to 2 or 3 job interviews. And yesterday I hung out with the oh so wonderful JUSTIN and BRITTNI! Made me GLAD! I love Justin! It was cool to hang out with him cuz I haven't hung out with him since me and E broke up. And god, I've known him since I was 15. Way longer than I knew E. But I'm glad we're all good now. Me and E can talk jokingly bout the relationship but his punk ass don't wanna pick up a phone lol. But life has been pretty good cept for the major fight that happened last night between me and muh parents. But other than that its cool. I just hope I get to hang more with JUSTIN cuz I heart you! LOL. And don't feel down anymore, she's not good enough for you babe...:) Well Imma go, not much else to say!
Jess
I will never live like this again. My life is changed from now on. So, don't try and tempt me anymore. Cuz you won't win. This double life is OVER.
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Well, I'm happy. I talked to Justin and Kim tonight. They helped me out alot. Cuz I'm still in love with an ex, and they're gonna try and help out cuz they think that he might still miss me cuz he talks bout me and we been broke up for a year exactly today. Well, and he even says good things. But I'm not gonna worry on it. Usually when you want something so bad you can taste it, it doesn't happen. So, Imma try and occupy my mind with something else. Cuz GOD knows I want this more than anything in the world, cuz I love that boy so much and I put up with so much and lost so much. And I wouldn't have went thru that if I didn't. But I just really would like something to happen again. So, Imma just wait and see what happens. Last time, I didn't do that. I was all up on his nuts, so that's why we didn't get back together cuz he wanted space. So, this time Imma let things ride out like Kim said. I just think that there's a reason, that I went to ya'lls diaries, a reason we are all friends, and a reason that E came up. I believe in fate and that everything is predetermined. So, hopefully the reason whatever it is, is good. Maybe we won't hook back up, maybe we'll be just friends, maybe we won't even talk, maybe it was so me an kim an justin could be friends. Who knows? But I believe that GOD is doing something. Cuz I haven't asked him for anything about E in a long while. SO who knows? Well, I hope noone thinks im all crazy with my talk lol. I just believe things happen for a reason. The only prob is that E is stubborn, and that's what we all think is the prob. Cuz he won't admit the truth which we all basically know. But Justin shocked me cuz he said when I told him to say hi to E, EC was like Jessica said hi? Well tell her uh hi. And he was all shocked. So, I dunno. But E called me fat recently too. So i have no idea what the deal is. Cuz I'm pulling the same shit as him, talking nice and then talking smack. But whatever...let's see what happens. I'll write when something develops. SO I'll holla atcha lata.
The one, The only, Jess
not much to say. got once upon a time in mexico and whoo johnny depp is shexay. i love him so much lol. specially in edward scissorhands...but its so sad. but i havent done much,got a new cell phone on valentines day and a toe ring and a stuffed bear. then i got the lion king 1 and ahalf and edward scissorhands. but yea i talked to an old buddy today. Justin. He's best friends with EC and he's Kim's boyfriend. He's a great guy a very good friend. I thought he didnt like me cuz of the e thing...but he was like nah i've always been your friend so whatever. its all gravay. its nice to know i have another friend. but im kinda just chillin right now not doing much. next wednesday the 25, me gary mom dad my aunts joan and sis are going to see the passion of the christ. its gonna be great. my best buddy there with me too lol. but its all gravay. well imma bazounce. so ill catch ya lata.
The one, the only, jess
| If i was a Bodily Excretment i would be: |
|
| What kind of Excretment are you? |
Okay so yea me and Stuart got into a huge fight last night all because I was joking bout who he has slept with. So I buck on him cuz he bucked on me. Then he has to go beyond the line. He brought up how he hears shit about me and everyone knows what I'm like. Like I flip out and shit. The only reason I have ever flipped out is because of what the fuck I have been thru. And I get assholes like him for boyfriends. So basically he brings up E and everybody at school saying I'm mental. But I'm not. And first off he ain't got no room to talk bout that cuz he ain't got a fucking clue what the hell that boy did to me. Try gettin fucking abused the have someone call ya mental. See if you like it. I mean god fighting is one thing...but bringin up something like that is just an asshole move. I can't believe he did it. Him and all these people he hears this shit from...yea they all don't know what the fuck I went thru. I can't believe people just believe the things that he says when he lies about everybody. I dunno...but yea now I'm depressed again. I can't believe another loser asshole could do that.
Okay so me and Stuart break up. Which I think is the best thing. But I IM him today and hes all talking and we're friends now. But he has to bring up that he saw EC. Why does everyone have to feel the need that they have to tell me something about EC? Everytime someone sees him or talks to him they run to tell me! It's not like he is getting told stuff about me. Except the bad stuff that I say about him prolly. I know he doesn't ask about me. And I don't expect him to cuz he doesn't have a heart. Whereas I still care about people even if we have broken up. I dunno. I just wish everybody would stop feeling the need to tell me about him. Thats what got me starting to think about him again. It's just like I dunno I can't take this shit. I can't go thru it again. I just don't know what to do. Cuz I still love him.
Not much is happening. Today has passed by extremely slow. And I've been watching the Jackson Dream. Since like 2 o clock. LONG MOVIE! 5 hours long. But now I'm just listening to music and waiting to see if anything is gonna happen tonight. I was hoping Gary would call me cuz he was really upset last night. Ijust wish I could help him more. I love him so much and the only thing that I know to tell him is what people told me when I was gettin over E. And ya know he's like I was then...omg that's hard and I don't wanna hurt anymore. I dunno I just feel really bad. I just wanna run up to Hannah and smack her and be like you're being a bitch. Stop leading him on cuz you know you can. That's such a bitch ass move. I dunno but other than that I dunno. I doubt me and Stuart will do anything tonight. Cuz to be honest I DON'T wanna do anything tonight. Except go to office max. I wanna get some sharpies dude. Cuz they rawk. But that's it. The movie's back on lol.
I love this song. It totally cheers me up. It's one the many great songs by Dave Matthews.
Still I need to know
Friends of mine Brothers and sisters
Hoping that in times of trouble I might lean on them more
But lately I swear nightmare dreams are living in me
This ship is troubled only cuz this ship we're on is snking
Say, my love, I came to you with best intentions
You laid down and gave to me just what I'm seeking
Love, you drive me to distraction
Hey my love do you believe that we might last a thousand years
Or more if not for this,
our flesh and blood
It ties you and me right up
Tie me down
Celebrate we will
Because life is short but sweet for certain
We're climbing two by two
To be sure these days continue
These things we cannot change
Hey, my love, you came to me like wine comes to this mouth
Grown tired of water all the time
You quench my heart and you quench my mind
Celebrate we will
Because life is short but
sweet for certain
We're climbing two by two
To be sure these days continue
The things we cannot
Celebrate, you and me, climbing two by two, to be sure
these days continue, things we cannot change
Oh, my love I came to you
with best intentions
You laid down and gave to me
just what I'm seeking
Celebrate we will
Because life is short
but sweet for certain
We're climbing two by two
To be sure these days continue
Things we cannot change...
Things we cannot change
Well. I am thinkin bout goin back to school today. Kim told me that you can't really get anywhere without it. And for the first time it actally rang a bell. Like I need to prove myself. Of course I have heard this b4. But I'm not gonna let everybody down. And above all I need to stop letting MYSELF down. Ever since me and E broke up I never quite got my life back into my own hands. I was so "dominated" that I didn't know how to put myself first anymore. I've donee temporary decisions...but I usually let everyone else decide something so I don't have to. I have become weak...and I have lost myself. I think it's time to get myself back. Take life into my own hands and show everybody that I can do it and will do it. That I am not some loser that sits at home all day. I will go to school today and reenroll and graduate. I'll do watever it takes. God knows it's gonna take $300 dollars for night school. But shit...this is my future.
So leave me something guys.
Yeah...well today was certainly interesting. I slept last night for once...but Gary called. Man that poor guy has so much he don't need. I mean he's gettin stressed and always feels backstabbed. I feel so bad for him cuz he's my best friend and for once I don't know what to say or do. It's like hes me. LOL. And well...me and Kim are good now. And I'm glad cuz she's a really great person. So...I dunno I kinda slept all day after about 4. LoL. But yea I'm back to gettin allowances now because I don't have a job anymore. OMG STUART IS A STALKER LOL. No not really but I guess this is my payback. He calls like 4 or 5 times a day and leaves messages like every hour. It's starting to freak me out and annoy me. Then my parents are like she's asleep. So he ims me on aim when my away message is up and is like hey saying all the things he said on the messages on my machine then signs me guestbook trying to make the one call away song by chingy sweet. I AM SO FRIGHTENED. Cuz we ain't even been going out 2 weeks and its like the boy is in love. I'm scared for real. I mean...it feels like this is my payback or something. Like some crazy shit is gonna happen. I dunno...but leave a message aight?
Well...it's 8:08 and I'm bored. I did my hair which took hella long cuz I couldn't get what I wanted. So I compromised. But yeah I'm too tired to dress up so I'm wearing a Punk'd tee with jeans and some hurley high tops. I'm mad tired...Don't feel like doing too much. But I dunno. I did my makeup..it looks good...and my hair is just aight. I dunno. For the first time in like forever I feel self conscience. It's gay as shit dwag. But I'm talking to Nikki. She's glad I'm going back to school. But yeah...guess what were gonna go see tonight? The Butterfly Effect. YAY! And I shall name my child Ichabod Edward. For 3 reason...1. Sleepy Hollow and Edward Scissorhands. 2. Tim Burton Kicks ASS! 3. So my child will be embarassed. LoL. But I head its a really good movie. I think I'll like it. But I'm tired. Hopefully after the movie I will be able to go to bed. I haven't slept in the pm to am in forever. More like am to pm. So I dunno. Well see what happens. But that's all for now. Laters.
Hey guys. Not much has happened. Stuart somewhat asked me out last night. Well...more was like yea we go out. But then he was like well wait till tomorrow....which is today. I dunno but I'm all nervous cuz it's like a real date now. Aha. I get to get all ready and pretty and stuff. WHOO HOO! I'm excited. I'm talking to him now. He's playing guitar in my ear. I don't mind...as long as he's playing my song lol. Well, that's all for now. I'll write more later...prolly after the date...so lates.
Well...it's 4 o clock in the morning and I'm still not asleep. I'm so bored. I'm watchin Scream on tv...listening to Dave Matthews...and doing this lol. I don't even know what to say. I'm just typing to type basically. Well, I was rubbing behind my ear and I felt this little bump...like under the skin. I wonder if it's just nothing serious or could it be a tumor? I dunno I don't wanna freak out though. Cuz my friend had cancer...and I've felt her tumor... and my bump feels like that. Maybe I'm just spazzing. I do need to go to the doctor though. I ain't been since...April Mayish. But anyways...I guess that's all...I'll just go back to being bored. Night guys.
I feel for the light
Your glory was lost that night
And no mind can't get me right
And now I'm praying that you'll find me out
Stone, stone has pulled me down
But my faith has got me bound to your grey blue eyes
Oh, oh
Oh, oh
Don't forget my broken heart
You remember it from the start
You made it and it's all a part
Of your grey blue eyes
Oh, oh
Oh, oh
You're gone and I know I'm dead
I've lost my way
Can't find me in your grey blue eyes
Grey blue eyes
Grey blue eyes
Grey blue eyes.
This song is so great! Dave Matthews always writes the best songs. Like he knows exactly what is going on in your head. Now his songs do take a person with an abstract thought to figure out what they mean...but thats the beauty of them...they are so diverse and abstract. But I thought I'd post it. Laters
Well, I've been reading my friends diary and its just making me think of him again. It sucks. I am trying so hard to look at it in a positive way. It's been almost a year and yeah I still miss him...I mean Hell I loved him to death. But there was so much shit like fighting every day. But I just look at it like ya know what we had our good times and we had our bad...there's nothing I can do about it now. But if its meant to be it will happen...but Im not gonna wait around on it cuz that's a waste of life. I dunno. Maybe I'm retarded. I just changed my outlook on things once ya know I finally got over it. I don't regret what happened cuz it truly did help me out alot. Helped me to find myself. Made me for once...a somewhat optimistic person. Not dreading everything and not doubting everyone. But I am finally getting myself straight again. Making myself back to what I want to be. Because I have strayed and thats normal cuz its life. But I dunno...I'm just so messed up sometimes. I'm just glad Gary is there. He's my best friend and he helps me out so much. He always knows the right thing to say at the right time. But it sucks cuz in a way hes what I want in a boyfriend...but our friendship is too great to screw up. So I leave that aside. He makes me really happy though. Quality is better than quantity. But yea I talked to Stuart. It was interesting...for awhile. LoL. I think he's gonna ask me out. He sure as hell is acting like he is. But last night me and my parents talked until 2 o clock in the morning about God. Cuz I really am not believing in the christian faith right now...and they are like how can you not and crap. I'm like I'm too inquistive for God. I just have too many questions that can't be answered. and theyre like the bible...im like its boring. I dont like it. So ya...basically I am gonna go to hell...cuz I really dont think that I will ever be able to fully give myself to christ cuz I dont understand it. I dont like to not understand things. So thats my problem. If ya got any ideas...then hell let me know buddy.
Well...Imma go back to school. Don't know whether I am going back tomorrow or Monday. I guess it depends. Monday would prolly be smarter. I dunno. But my dad is gonna have to go in with me to do my note cuz I don't know when I missed and when I didn't. And then we'll prolly go see my guidance counselor. But I am going to graduate. I will do it dammit lol. I WILL BE THE BEST aha or not. But I'll try. I'm scared as shit...but I am not always gonna let my fear take over my drive. That's a bitch ass move. And I'm not a bitch ass...lol. But not much has happened. I slept all day cuz I was up till 6 this morning. Ya interesting right? Not really...I was reading Harry Potter. Yup that's right I love Harry Potter. He's the shit man. LoL. But not much else to say really. Just chillin. Well I might write more later if anything interesting occurs. Other than that Later.
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