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Saturday, June 12th, 2004
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4:13 am - Megan Stanley (of Salem)
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4:09 am - Megan Stanley (of Salem)
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3:11 am - Megan Stanley (of Salem)
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Megan Stanley of Salem, Oregon was born January 14, 1987. She is quite a character. She sadly attended the first 17 years of her school life in a private catholic community *barfs*, but that's all right. From this she gained a few close relationships with the majority of the people in her class. Maybe, that's what is assumed by community's maintainers. She did attend public school once, believed to be around third grade. That was probably her pimp year, which meant she drank quality check's chocolate milk or Tropicana's sad excuse for orange juice along with tuna fish sandwiches on Friday and if she was in the first half of the lunch line, she'd forcefully enjoy the plain hamburger. Not because it was any good, which it wasn't, but because it probably tasted the best of all foods the school's crummy budget had to offer which meant only the first half of the line of people would get it cause everyone would want it and they don't make enough for everyone because then no one would eat the other shit they offered. Enough about food, that is just a small part of Ms. Stanley's life.
During Megan Stanley's junior year of high-school (this would be the school year of 2003-2004.. namely 2004), she had decided that it would possibly be her last year of private catholic school life. She hoped to spend her graduating senior year, years 2004-2005, in a public school which would be McNary. McNary Farts. McNary's gas isn't an issue right now, so I wont elaborate on it anymore. To be or not to be a good idea. Doesn't matter because it hasn't happened yet and she already said good-bye to all the people she'll see again and again, despite her leave, like she'll never see them again. Namely Josh Belleque, Charles Cain, Sung Baek, and a couple of girls left unnamed because they aren't as important. Just kidding, they are the two most important woman in her life. No, that isn't true. But it certainly wouldn't be he German exchange student who lived with her during the school year of 2003-2004. Apparently it was a nightmare, the living conditions. It's predicted that Megan was really just a whiny bitch and couldn't stand having someone her age live in the house with her, just think ... she'd have to share attention. Just kidding, really, the German exchange student, Phabien bladfailjgauetoalkdgj (some long incoherent word) was that bad. For reasons' being such that she would need a ride to and from school and also to events like shopping and vacation or friend encounters. Oh, she would also either wake up too early or not on time, holy damn, how could anyone be so inconsiderate as to ask that much of a host family who volunteered themselves as her host. I don't know, some inconsiderate foreign bastard.
Megan enjoyed her junior year. Although this was the year she made the best religion morality video, became part of the DVC (desperate Virgin's Club) with nickname "Three fingers Meg", found someone to confide with, and knew who the two coolest chicks were, it was also the year she endured a psychotic stage which gave her panic attacks leading to passing out in school and other weird stuff which we wont go into because it was just a minor thing, but since it was a negative minor thing, it'll overthrow everything positive she's achieved in her life (including 112 years of catholic school) simply because it's negative and that's how our society works.
Glorify Megan Stanley, she can talk forever and give quite an entertaining speech. This will only happen the first three of four times, after that she's said all that she can and starts to repeat herself. Megan Stanley has earned a varsity letter in Cheerleading (this would something considering it was earned her freshman year with no previous experience, but sadly, this was earned from a 2a school with a squad of six people one year and 2 people all the following years.) as well as Softball. She took three years of French and planned to take a fourth her senior year. She also managed to make out with a skinny red head on the wild side -far side ;) (That's what a year of 3rd grade public elementary school does to young catholic school woman.) On a final note, Megan Stanley, whose self-employed dad builds houses, has moved 12-13 times in her life and will probably continue moving on.
current mood: megan stanley ish
current music: Megan Stanley's
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| Saturday, May 22nd, 2004
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12:15 am - hmm
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yay, i've settled on my scehdule,w ell not quite.
first semester should include:
Choir
Ap psychology
French IV
Pre-cal
Anatomy II
Religion
Global Issues
English
second semester:
Choir
AP psychology
French IV
REligion
pre-cal
English
financial study
Art
*what may change is I may choose AP writing in place for english, but them damn seems like a lot of class still. I'm scared, but ah well.
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| Saturday, March 20th, 2004
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9:03 pm - i wash the dishes better in the light
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I woke up around 4 today, what a nice nap. Watching Irish Dancing by Lord of the Dance. He truly is the Lord of the Dance.
Yesterday was nice, I met with a friend I hadn't seen in a while. She said she was on her way to catch the Bus in front of Albertsons home and so I ran there. It took me less than 8 minutes to get there. My pants fell off as I ran across Fisher Rd. They were pulled up quickly. That was really embarrassing. I was standing on the bus thinking about how dumb jeans are how they can just fall down and how there should be something invented to prevent that. Then Melissa asks me why I'm not wearing a belt so I say why the hell would I wear a belt. Then it hit me!!
While I was on the bus, sick. I haven't ridden the bus in a while it was so full I couldn't believe how full it was. I hate the number 2 bus now. It was fun cause I was standing, until the fat couple in front of me decided to up a step from disgustingly kissing eachother, the girls nasty hand drop down and reaches into his pants. And they make these noises as they kiss eachother, like there's a great amount of body fluid exchange. The bus smelled too. Everytime we stopped there were like 10 people ready to hop on, more couples. Why, why why? why in an isle, middle of a crowded bus the place for romance? What happened to beaches and boats and nonpublic vehicles.
Anyway, it was nice to just up and decide to see someone i hadn't in a while. We had a nice long talk and we went downtown and she went from store to store trying on several sweaters and asking my opinion.. heh, i told her they were all overpriced and looked like crap and that she didn't need them for numerous reasons. She said she always enjoys my constructive criticsm, and that was the third person i heard that from that day. So i asked my dad what it meant.
Im so tired. There's going to be too many people here at my house the next couple days. I'm going to run away. My cousin and her most likely annoying friend are spending two whole nights here, along with her mom who talks too much. I can just feel the gloves i'll be wearing to clean up their mess-- damn and i just cleaned. I've got it, I'll runaway. Actually, I'm supposed to be at the beach right now, at the coast. That's it, I'll call tomorrow to be taken away to the good ol beach. Damn, i have to finish some work first though. then off to the beach +===>
current mood:  full
current music: Lord of the dance
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| Thursday, March 18th, 2004
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6:00 pm
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"Did somebody really kill Jesus???" -nine year old "yeah." "Like this???" ::raises cover of newsweek on the passion:: "sure, just like that." "What? they can't do that, he's jesus... so did they guy who killed him get beat up?"
I'm so tired, i just want to go to sleep. My mom was insane the other day. I'd talk about it but i'd need face to add in the full effect, without its just nothing. I hadn't seen her so in years if have. It really ... yeah. Then the next day, it was as if nothing happened.
Yesterday my brother came back from Yap. He was very happy and glad to be home and he brought me some strawberry tea and chocolate covered Macedonians with a picture of some blonde nerd on the cover of the package speaking Japanese. he's cool.
Last night around 7pm I fell asleep naked while I was in the process of changing. That kinda sucks cause I had tests today. I always do that, I always fall asleep in the process of changing. I always lock my bedroom doors before I start changing in case I fall asleep in the process. Hmm... I fall asleep on the toilet a lot too and in the shower. Actually, I fall asleep in a few places, and in front of the computer. Last year during track I'd always fall asleep on the way home like on a bench or tree or in a park. There was once towards the end of the school year I fell asleep on this bench on market street, it was raining. About two hours later a police tapped on my shoulder and I looked in front of me and there was a car accident. I thought I was dreaming so I tried to go back to sleep. He was asking me if I saw but I ignored him. I realized I was awake and soaked so then I walked away and he kept following me and asking me stupid questions that I refused to hear then out of no where he's all, "Mam, it is illegal to witness a crime seen and then walk away." I got home at almost nine, what a horrible night. My parents were so angry at me for not calling and blab blah blab and I remember something happened that night but I forget. I also remember having a very long sleep afterwards. There was another time I fell asleep under I5. I was standing waiting for the cross walk light and fell asleep. I woke up to the yelling of a hitchhiker. He was arguing with the driver who had just dropped him off.. or maybe it was just some driver. He wasn't there before. There was another time I went jogging and jogged over to the public Library and instead I stopped at the park there over by the pond. I climbed up in one of the trees and watched everything, it was around like 3pm but then I fell out after falling asleep and when I looked up it was dark and I had no clue where I was. I started walking towards the lights and realized I was downtown. I took the number 2 bus home which is the wrong bus and ended up walking home from Carls Junior. I got in a lot of trouble that day. I always get in trouble for stupid reasons. Well, that probably wasn't a stupid reason but it turned into one.
Had a choir concert last night... it was alright. I laughed during the performance at one point when most everyone messed up on a line. I can't look at the audience i just can't. I either look on the ground or above, not that i can see them but yeah. I haev a problem with looking people in the eye.
This is getting very long endless. Well i had something i'd been meaning to put in here and not that i have a chance.. my mind is absolutely blank. Adou
current mood:  blank
current music: Snowblind
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| Monday, March 15th, 2004
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2:35 am - i don't quit
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damnit i can't find my glasses, oh well.
Quit anatomy?!!!? heck was i thinking? Now that's crazy. I'm fine, anatomy is like my favorite class. Who just spent 14 hours sleeping and the day before 18 hours. That's time plenty to do work. I just need a nice kick across the face and i'll be fine. What is that?? you're listening to gospel music? ..no comment. Give up track?! crystal.. common now, i mean not that you run but, who cares. you need track, those fun bus rides to the meets. Go get a physical this week.
He's amazing!!Health teacher i'll
show you, two can play at your game. Oh yes yes yes. muahahah..
0o
~
current mood:  awake
current music: Julia Hoy's CD
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| Saturday, March 13th, 2004
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7:27 pm - Junior REtreat
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I just woke up at 6 30pm, maybe writing will get me thinking which might get me towards into hw.
That junior retreat was so fun. It was my first trip to an actual camp. That big hug at the end was so funny. We were at the top of a mountain, in the middle of no where, all holding hands, and singing that song.. "its something unpredictable.." Oh it was so funny, it was like a carbears episode. I felt bad for laughing cause some people were crying, but then again I didn't cause I liked it, it was nice. The hugging was fun too. That lady was a good singer, Julie Hoy, she sounded like she was using a microphone, but wasn't!!! I want to go hiking now or something. The scenery was so nice.
You know, that retreat could only take place at Blanchet or some church. I can't imagine that happening with anyone at Mckay, maybe a bunch of chicks but no guy would take part in that. There's so many atheists. I congratulate all the seniors for putting it together, if I were a senior I'd be so proud. I want to do that next year.
Well, I'm still tired, so.. maybe I should I dunno.
Oh, who has eaten Sea turtle? Certainly not me. I'm just browsing through these pictures that my brother sent from his trip to Yap.. and wow. There's this picture of a Sea Turtle ready to be cut up for dinner. They're illegal to kill but its tradition there so I guess its OK and they cost like $400 just to eat. My brother was like, "Man, when word went around that there was turtle, the whole island showed up to get a piece of that turtle. And NOT one single part of that turtle was wasted. That turtle was eaten entirely to the scrap of the shell." The shell is used too as like jewelry. Of like all the pictures and things, my moms like, "Turtle!" and everything they had to talk about their trip, eating turtle was the highlight.. rather I wish I could be there -- I wish I was eating turtle. ..sick. There's also a picture of a hog, its the ugliest pig I've ever seen in my life. I would not eat that it, let alone touch it.
current mood:  sleepy
current music: wonderboy
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| Tuesday, March 9th, 2004
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8:15 pm - I quit
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While failing the Anatomy test today I came to consider dropping the class. I brainstormed it and never felt happier failing a test. Its the most brilliant thing I've thought of at all for a while and probably the most sane. I'm pure brilliance! Actually.. I'm partially retarded, a fourth malfunction, and possibly crazy in denial for even having to get myself in the situation of having to consider dropping anatomy. What IDIOT in their junior year thinks they'll do fine starting school at 7:15am, for early bird choir, and ending at 3:10 pm with one study Hall then enter track practice until 4:30 just to walk 35 minutes home to three online classes which actually assign a shit load of work. ME, me and my big fat excuse for myself and I. I like did this too myself without thinking clearly. I seriously remember having a rush from the thought of having all that stuff to do before signing up which is why if you're going to make decisions that sound good at the moment and you're high.. stay high don't get sober. Its actually possible but I gave up caffeine for Lent and I don't sleep and without caffeine I'm extremely irritable and argue with my mind. I keep analyzing everything I've gotten myself into and, oh wow, I want to hang myself or just have a GREAT BIG BOTTLE of something uplifting -- but no, I wont I can do this its all in my mind. I know when I drop Anatomy I'm going to kill myself after lent for it, I know I'll regret it, but sober decisions are usually the right discussions so I guess I'm saving myself. Its for the best Crystal. I'm also going to read this later and punch myself I know I will and I'll probably signup for something else stupid to compensate for my actions. But it is crazy, I have absolutely no idea of what in the HELL possessed me to take all those classes. Seriously, oh my god. I really hope I wasn't going for intelligence. I have no time whatsoever with all this. My mind can't take it for now.. although I was able to earlier but it probably wasn't healthy.
See like now when I think of all that homework I'm like, no way and my mind shuts down to where I get these caerfree/office space thoughts. See before I'd be like, wahoo, which one do I get done first, yay I'm done -- oh I'm bored. I miss that feeling, feeling come back. Oh man, now I know I'm going to shoot myself.
I'm still haven't concluded on whether or not to quit anatomy. I HATE the "well what do you think you should do?" responses. I'm not capable of answering that question. I like think on two opposite scales, half of me is entirely for it and the other half is like.. whaaa? I know if I go through with it, it'll be over in June and I'll be completed and whatever it is that goes through my mind when I think I've accomplished something great when actually its.. well obvious. Of course if I don't I can join track again, I'll have an extra study hall to complete more work in, better grades etc. But I'll regret it and grow depressed. but then I will if I go the other way. OH no....
New thought:
I tried out for the play yesterday. I don't know why, it was time poorly wasted. I didn't go to sleep sunday night, i spent the entire night watching infomercials which i've never done before and weird movies that never made it which is probably why they view on crappy stations in the middle of the night. When my alarm had gone off i thought.. well that's odd i thought i set it for the morning - which it was the morning and i hadn't realized that. So havign an hour left to get ready i did homework then set off for school. Everything was phlegmatic and sonorous, or a slow motion echo. I had zero enthusiasm for auditions, i felt so bad for Tommy becuase I asked him to be partners auditioning and when we did my vision was blury so i misread everyhing and starred at the ground and he had to go along which made him look bad. the auditions were just in front of mrs. roberst, some guy and girl. Oh i should have just went home, i was there from 3:30-5:00 wasting everyone else's and my own time. Practices for that play is 3:30-6:45. That's insane, i would have sunken so low. .. course, on other occasions i could repeat that thought and get a rush from it.
Newer thought:
Now that i know Drama isn't an option, Track, I really need to burn off all the food I've eaten. I've gained so much weight since I gave up coffee, I've like been stuffing my face for energy its horrible. Every time I get sleepy I eat something wholesome and my stomach isn't' used to that so I've been so --- uh, I have been dealing with digesting difficulties and everything is just sitting in there. Not going anywhere when it should. I hate guests that don't know when its time to leave.
I'm wearing these pants right now that I usually don't even need to unbutton to slip on/off. Now they're like tight and I have to pull them over my tummy rather than sag on my hips. And and and my mom, thank you mom, today mentioned that I'm looking pudgy and my double chin is showing more lately and to slow down on eating. Considering the fact that although I've increased my food in take, its not that much. on Saturday at my uncles birthday I had an actual plate of food and extra deserts and I was so bloated. Then Sunday I had two bowls of cereal a banana... wait I know I had more than this. Anyway, oh I know I know. I haven't exercised. Oh well there I have it, I just need to exercise.
I'll quit anatomy, eat less, and exercise more. That's what makes the world go round right?? A figure, good grades without caffeine cause of whatever. That's bullshit. Whoever thought success came from hardwork towards looking good. That's a cause of high self-esteem. Success is happiness which comes from the result of feeling accomplished. If you're happy you're doing something which is work which keeps you active which manages a good figure -- not because you're aiming for that figure but cause you're figure is aiming for you.
Really, the gym is a sad excuse unless you're wanting to and aiming for a medal stating you're a gym leader because you're their for a happy reason. Not becuase you're out of shape. And how do you make yourself happy going to those gyms cause you wont be happy until the results which wont be a figure but the positive attention you get with that figure.. and why do you want that positive attention? To feel important, why do people think they need others positive approvals over their appearance to feel good about themselves. Why not feel good about yourself cause you know yourself. Seriously, What the hell does anyone get out of the satisfaction that another soul has a positive image on them. Do they not know they're perfect already? And what does that get them??? "They think I look good." And you care because?? "Well, now I know I look good." That's nice. you look good but are you good? You're probably some piece of shit with a flower sticking on the side. actually judging by the way you talk you probably are a piece of shit.
See, that's sad, I think. The only winner at the gym is the exercise instructor cause they get paid. And if there is no instructor, just a machine ... it laughs at you cause it has reached its potential.
current mood:  indifferent
current music: crusing -- smokey robinson
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| Sunday, January 25th, 2004
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1:19 am - yay its been a year go me!
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| Sunday, December 28th, 2003
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3:52 am - My December
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This is my December, This is my time of the year This is my December, This is all so clear This is my December, This is my snow covered home This is my December, This is me alone And I Just wish that I didn't feel like there was something I missed And I Take back all the things I said to make you feel like that And I, give it all away Just to have somewhere to go to Give it all away To have someone to come home to This is my December, These are my snow covered dreams This is me pretending, this is all I need This is my December, This is my time of the year This is my December, This is all so clear
current mood:  cold
current music: my december
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| Thursday, October 9th, 2003
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2:47 am - vision!
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I'll write about my week and and then about the week before my last.
Ok, so the day before yesterday i got my eyes checked.. 200/220 where normal vision is 20/20. It's so HORRIBLE!!! I was expecting like 80/90 at the most, no way 200/220. Fact, i demanded a retest.. but since my eyes were so worn out and weary from the test already taken.. i scored worse and then requested my first score. I finally got them checked after a good long 5.5 years. From the middle of 6th grade my first pairs rate 50/60. Then i got them checked in 8th grade during a physical (70/80) but i didn't get glasses. So i figured, hey, they'll probably be 80/90... not such luck. I nearly screamed. Anyways, :-) I CAN SEE !!! It's such a weird feeling. Like my old glasses that i used seldomly were pretty weak but i had not realized that, untill now!! It's just amazing, i dotn' know how to explain it. I envy all those who dotn' wear glasses, i can't believe how much you people see!! And it's so clear!!!!
Anyways, so on my first day of school with glasses i realized that: all my teachers have really bad teeth, my religion teacher is uglier, Mr. Roberts doesn't resemble anything akin to the lead singer in smashing pumpkns or Moby; The teacher actually does have good hand-writing.. it was only unreadable before because my eyesight wouldn't permit me to acknowledge the beutiful hand-writing; The left had corner of the white board is of homework.. it was never really a stick figure that rearranged itself every two days; I was unable to recognize three friends; one person i prefer looking at without glasses; The picture in my living room i thought had been a portrait of a bear all this time.. well it's really of 4 ducks kneeling besides a pond, i dotn' know how that passed me; My acne really never cleared up much at all :-/ .. ;
I can know read bumper stickers as i once did before i gave up years ago after deciding it was impossible. The strip shoppong center three blocks west has signs entitling the building.. those weren't just blank signs, blank for the reason that they coudltn' afford to paste letters on them. I can now see facial definiton over five feet away, and much more. This new look on life makes me happy.
On Saturday, i envited panda to come and help me babysit 10 kids overnight at my sisters house. That was fun, we weren't alnoe though. I had my to-be 16 year old niece who bathed/tooks naps/nagged at everyone to favor her. Then also there were 2 freshman, one being my brother in laws little sister, the other her firend. They talked on the phone and argued over who got to feed the 7 month old all night. So technically, panda and i babysat: 4mos, 7mos, 3 years, 3 years, 3 years, 4 years, 4 years, 4 years, 5 years, 5 years. They were cool. We babysat from 9pm to 5:30 am. Well, 5 am is when the last parent came, my sister. I'm going to try and get my sister to sign us 9 volunteer hours. By the way, we did this in teh kindness of our FREE hearts, we didm't accept a dime.. not counting the pizza they had provided us with.
So yeah. The day before that i had fallen asleep around 6 am. Tehn i woke up around 2 pm. Then so from there i was up until about 6 am the next morning, where i slept until about noon, then i went home and ran errands, tehn finished about 4 pm was the time i fell asleep, where i skillfully had awaken the very next morning at exactly 4:14 am. School, cross country meet, home-- immediate sleep; school, eye exam, home, sleep; wake, school, practice, 2 hours of sleep in school driveway, awaken for second time, dress for choir, perform, drive around from 8:30 -9:30 pm with Sung who is too into driving to take me straight home. He basically bordered the city limits then took me home the longest possible way he coudl think of. NOt that he was thinking about it much. As soon as i got home i knocked myself out in bed.
Then i recieved my glasses in the morning, was so happy, went to school, failed a test, barely finished history, cross country meet, home by 6pm, went to taco bell and grew sick from their.. oh so yummy food, well it was at one point but tonight i feel sick. Actually they've never really been oh so yummy, but akdfjiaefja blah nevermind.
now i'm here, and that was my week. Which was a hell of a lot better than my last.
current mood:  exanimate
current music: watched over by crows
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| Thursday, August 28th, 2003
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10:36 pm - testing
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lakdflkajdf akfjladjaldfdkfa
anyone want this early adopter account if i clean it?
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| Thursday, June 19th, 2003
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4:09 am - Thoughtful December (my new song i wrote)
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Thinking to much
occupying producing a dearth
Thank you December: wet, Dirty, mold
You numbed birth
Chorus: [Why did you bring me to this place?
Incase you didn’t know...
I never have been happy here
near now my time to go]
Isolating my deprived mind
Find before was all much emptiness
mentally alone await existing
Resisting surrounding meaningless
Each day mocking a smile
while inside I never dug a way
night in silence made to realize
penalize, on to me derange and decay
[Chorus]
Slowly penetrating, I’d slightly drown
frown when I hadn’t died
choosing a state to sleep forever
never a vision so deep and black eyed
Should know as I remember
December, born unwilling to cope
that night was I, you conceived
received I, was a life of no hope
Chorus X3
In December: cold, wet, and dirty
numb through birth
soul of dearth
and now I think too much
current mood:  numb
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| Tuesday, April 29th, 2003
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4:24 am - candy
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So, not much over spring vacation has happened. :-D i got fatter, like 5lbs, and i'm not being one of those chicks who wine about their weight. All i've eaten the pass few.. all spring break days.. are pastries. pure fat. And i only showed up to track practice once because i was in portland. And today i ran 2 miles, and i'm done for. But i'll run another two tommorow. But that wont have me lose weight. It'll jsut bulken me up, but i like how evertime i run, it get's easier teh next time.
Just now I met Nick, we were going to exchange pron, but he misunderstood me and only broought himself. So he was the only one who recieved porn through this nightly encounter. Pshh, that's ok, teh pron i gave him i hope sucks because it looks like i would. I havn'et been able to watch it. But he assured me some for next time.
I was in portland from sunday to wednsday. I ate 1/2 a pumpkin cake one day, then 1/2 an apple pie the next. And for breakfeast i had ceral with ice cream substituing for milk. Then My sister took me to some nice resturaunts both evenings. I felt like slapping he becaue i wanted burgerville, but tha'ts not good enough, she insists upon taking me to these stupid ersturaunts, and she makes me dress up to go. No one does that, takes someone somewhere to please them yet at teh same time displeases them.
I feel like dancing. I'll eat healthy from now on until teh dance, that way i can have my dance form.
:-( shit, it's so easy to turn firmness into flab. go three days without exercise and fattening food, i eman shit. and it'll take twice as lond to retrieve.
current music: mmm mmm mmm mmm, crash test dummies
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| Wednesday, April 16th, 2003
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4:09 am - march 16, 2003 -- e-mails to catch up
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Mark I hate you. Not only are you a hypocrite but you have no idea how lonely my life is, especially I'd like to note how you contribute to the loneliness. You go to McKay. You associate with friends that date back to childhood, the years before puberty was at stake. You are given open campus, and you will most likely continue your high-school years in that manner. Where as, I, I don’t and won’t. That is present and future tense. I have a reality that continues one way beyond control without the tampering of others, each day goes by and I want to slap myself. You have no idea how jealous I am of everything about your situation of position. You could at least send a sentence rising my inbox numbers which would allow me to continue writing. I just like to watch the number of my inbox change. But I know, If you don’t write then I wont. For other people to do that then I'd quit. But I’m not going to let this slip. I’m going to continue because I honestly have no other use for my life right now other then going to sleep, but I've already slept 67 hours. You really ever considered becoming a psychiatrist mark, I hope so, because right now you’re going to be my psychiatrist. I feel like talking everything on my mind for the moment. IF I come off as one of those annoying people who that some people find annoying who always want to talk about their problems, then, as Mr. Andrea’s likes to say.. “So suck it.” I’ll never know, I wont be around to be ignored so why should I care. Every week this month I've discontinued writing someone who doesn‘t go to Blanchet.
For lent, I have deprived myself of all life’s shit essentials. It’s really the Jesus thing to do. I’ve limited myself to one meal a day and I fast on Friday’s and Sundays and only on Saturdays will I expose my stomach with such goods as pastries and Ice cream. I am now on track, where, although my short attention span makes it impossible for me to continue doing whatever I'm doing, i.e.: run longer than 30 seconds, jump more than three times, I am constantly on the go... that is when i do go. Everyday this past week, as it is that i have no internet connection, I literally come home and fall directly to sleep nonstop until the 6:10 the next day where I arise and go to school. Homework is useless to me, it does nothing. It just continues. On Friday though I was all excited, and i jumped and stuff. I thought I’d go and party this weekend, get myself some snitzel. Why I even made up a whole song in French in first period, and memorized it, shared it with everyone who crossed my path ( j’adore le snitzel, il adorent a moi. je chez le snitchel, nous avons a le boum. Tu veux les snitzchel, le snitchel voudrais toi. nous peux danser avec le snitchel, depuis nous allons manger les snitchel -- i love the snitchel, the snitchel loves me, i go to the snitchels house and we have a party. do you want the snitchel, the snitchel desires you, we can dance with the snitchel, then we will eat the snitchel. *I call it consumption of the snitzchel*). Anyhow, yeah, but then after laying down as if god were punishing me I thought, now what would Jesus do. And decided that partying this weekend was an unJesus thing to do. So instead, I woke up this morning and realized that my weekend would consist of nothing but aimless walking for hours and homework and sitting around on my ass for no apparent reason as it is that i have no internet connection. Perhaps at the end of the 40 days I’ll have some inner enlightenment. Right now I'm at my sisters babysitting. ( I hate track, I suck at everything I’ve attempted and literally, and I don't’ want to sing in front of the class and all faculty, and I hate the fact I'm aimlessly walking the streets of Salem by myself after dark until morning because only crazy people do that, and I have no job, and no internet connection, and some man’s voice by the name of Herald Samuel stuck in my head, and my English paper was deleted with my e-mail account, and I despise the way i abhor Blanchet each day as the people become more and more and more dull. Chris is alright in everyway despite the fact he irons his pants and carries female chap stick with him. )
Because the man’s voice was quite disturbing, and it will forever piss me off until I get a new internet connection, I will continue to talk about him. I like how he is able to make himself revolve around a part of my less thought of life. When I begged the guy to at least forward my e-mail he showed no mercy what so ever and stated “Mam, I am deleting everything as we speak.” I honestly wanted to slap him, like reach out from the phone and slap him. He talked with so much authority. He has no authority, he fucking works on a phone. That’s his job, his pathetic life. Answering telephones and placing people on hold for 56 minutes when they decide they want to cancel their accounts. Then they try to talk you out of canceling your account by bribing you with gas cards. Gas cards which I'm not eligible for. The reason being is that I'm a minor, giving all the reason to discontinue my account with no further abilities to sign on yet I would still have to pay. Where as if I had chosen to cancel it as an adult I wouldn’t have to pay and I would have the rest of the month to obtain my precious e-mails which held my homework, my ass probed homework.
Gee... I like how everyone acts as if I've moved away. The fuck, I'm still here. They all think I've like found new bonding friends. Someone even stated, “I'm glad you’ve found peace at Blanchet now that you are away from McKay.” Or since I’ve joined these gay early bird classes or sports, which I lack ability to perform in, I'm going places. They assume that I feel that I have a better future there. So now I see it pointless to go back to McKay. Just from the fact that I'm mad at everyone. (Why is Mango so cool?) I wish no one knew me, like family wise, then I could just die. That’d be so much easier. What’s the point in sleeping underneath a bed on sunny days for countless hours. Maybe it’s a will of Jesus. Do you want to go snowboarding Mark? It feels weird choking when you know you haven’t swallowed anything. A dry choke.
sorry, I talk to much so I'm going to go to sleep. *LoVeS* Crystal
current mood:  melancholy
current music: sweet dreams, marylon manson
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| Wednesday, March 26th, 2003
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5:41 pm - new
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Je pense que donc je suis
If you're going through hell, keep going
Pain is weakness leaving the body
current mood: awake
current music: eve 6, toungue tied
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| Thursday, February 27th, 2003
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10:55 pm - this is where it's end
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Emotions inside us troubling,
The hatred inside us escalating,
The sickness inside us keeps us weak,
The masses inside of us suffering they are bleeding,
The calling inside us sick with greed,
The voices calling to us deafening we're not listening
Cannot receive the obvious
Line up cattle and cut the necks
Swat at the flies omit disgust
The leaders inside us posturing,
The pollution inside of us suffocating me,
The science inside us menacing,
The will that's inside of us its dying end is coming
Cannot receive the obvious
Line up cattle and cut the necks
Drain us of life and cleanse the mess
Wash me off inside, wash me off inside
We're killing ourselves killers
Goddamn we fucked up the circumstance,
Too late to save us from ourselves,
Callous minds against trust and confidence,
Too late to give a damn now
Too late to save us from ourselves, too late to make it all go away,
Too late to beg pardons from the mother, too late to give a damn
Now we'll sit and wait
Wait wait for the coming. of the end
Wait for the coming the killing the ending the plight of man
Deserving no mercy expelling by god's hand,
It's okay the ending it's over no more pain, no more pain, no more pain.
Emotion the hatred the sickness the calling
Cannot receive the obvious
Line up cattle and cut the neck
Drain us of life and cleanse the mess
current mood: cold
current music: mad world
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| Tuesday, February 25th, 2003
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11:36 pm - awkward start
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just got back from school and I feel like crap. I went to the Varcity Girls basketball game last night, for the last ten minutes. THe game started at 7 and ended at 8:30. At 7:30 i took a shower then put a few clothes on. I wasnt' quite sure what I was doing. Then I told my parent that i was going to the game and that it starts at 8. They got all mad and stuff because I didn't tell them before or somethng. For some reason I felt I had to go even though it was almost over. SO my mom was like, blah blah blah. So I go i'm taking teh bus. Then I took my backpack and went to the bus stop. Then jsut before it came my mom comes and like stops traffic. She was all, get in the car. I was like.. no. And she was all, "you're crazy, blah blah blah." and so I said, "the bus is right there, theres no reasong for you to take me, go away." But seh wouldn' tmove. so I figured i'd jump in since people were waiting and honking like the bunch of idiots that they are. When I got in she started accusing me of being sneaky and taht i was pulling teh same crap i did last year. So then she got into this idea that i was going to see a guy. She was all, "crystal, now, tell me the truth, are you going for a guy?" that question like came out of no where and made no sense to me, so I was just like, "no." Then she like, yelled at me eth whole way there. It was so not worth going by this point. You have no idea, but i was too far to give up. On the way she kept telling me to pray that teh cops wont pull her over since she was drunk. And how because I was the reason that she was driving. I forgot to. By the time I remembered to, I was sitting in a tree. After I got out I told her that I'd go to my cousins and spend teh night since seh lives like right there. So seh was like whatever because I told her that i already made plans for it. [which i hadn't]. So anyways, I headed fo teh game. I left my back pack in a bush. Then I went in, we won like 60-30. Then It just ended, So I then had to leave. But, I forgot taht I said I would go to my cousins and wasn't quite sure where teh hell I was going. So I got in a tree and listened to my mp3 player. I kept thinking why I came. But I forgot, I even forgot I just walked into teh school. So I figured that I was suppose to go home but my pla was to stay in the tree an hour before comming home taht way my parent wouldn't be suspicous at me. (this made so much more if any sense at teh time being). But instead.. I fell asleep. Then much later on, my batteries died, which is when I woke up. At that time, I Didn't realize I was in a tree. I just kind of looked up and saw sky, then I fell out, and then, then i realized how fucking cold I was. Actually, I didn't realize taht yet. I only fell like 5 feet out and landed on bark chip, but I was still cold. I felt like I was waking from a very odd dream. But I wasn't. I jsut got up and kept waking towards teh fence. It was around 4 am, so still dark. Then as I walked I noticed my backpack, then I figured I probably wasn't dreaming, that was a pretty awkward moment. It really was. Because I had no clue, no clue whatsoever what I was doing or when i got there. I've had those before, but not like before I have something to do, like someone expecting me. Then I got to the fence and it was like, shut. Locked. That kinda sucked, so i had to figure out how to jump it. No that, that was hard. It's so high and my back pack was so heavy. At first I fell down, I like plunged myself up and slammed against it -- no affect, I was so weak. So I sat feeling helpless, then i did it again and again I failed before reaching the otherside. So, I sat another 10 minutes and said, "crystal, you have to do this, you have to get to teh other side." So I jumped up and threw my shoes over, and there I was, at teh top. But my backpack was still down there. So I was like, man, then without thinking, somehow.. I fell back down. But this time you see, I thought before I went back up, I know because this time I brought my back pack up, and before I could fall back down the other side, I lunged teh back pack forward --although this helped me, it was a very stupid thing to do because the back-pack, was still attached to me. -- Thus, I was automatically lunged forward with the back pack. This brought me inside a rather messy possition. I don't know if it hurt or not, I was so numb and cold so i didn't feel anything, perhaps that was a good thing considering I landed on a bush. Anyhow, I didn't know where to go from there so I walked to fred Myers to get some coffee. But as I approached the door, it came to my attention that.. Fred Myers doesn't open untl 6 am. Dissapointed, I walked bak to school. I don't know why, I mean really going back there wouldn't help me any since well, for oe there was a gate up and well, I left to get away from there. Actually, I don't even need to explain because there is nothing to argue at all about why not to come back. The question is, why come back. Well whatever, It took me getting there to figure out where I was going to go next. I finally remembered my cousin, so I went to her apartments. I kept knocking, but no one answered, ofcourse not, they aren't home, they havn't been home for two days, they are in Washington-- duh and i knew this before. Anyhow, their windows open from teh outside and are right next to teh door so i envited myself in. I took a shower, braided my own hair, and then headed back to school. This time school was open. All I had to wear were teh pants i came to eth game in and the sweatshirt beneath my other sweatshirt-- which is like 4 times my size. So I didn't stink really.. i don't think.
current mood: blank
current music: toungue tied
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| Sunday, February 23rd, 2003
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1:04 am - hi
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Hmm, i don't know what to talk about. Have you seen this kid riding a unicycle? He;s like 15yrs. old (frosh) looks 12 or 13. Anyways, yeah, i saw him like a week ago riding his unicycle in teh middle of no where, so it was weird. Like 50,000 blocks from his house. I bet he's teh only kid in Salem who rides an unicycle for main transportaion, not salem, more like all Oregon.. or the U.S prolly. Can you ride a unicycle? (i on'y bring this up cause i have nothing ot write about and i'm revising this note i wrote Mark and never gave him. he told me to add like a paragraph each time until i see him.. it's getting to long--anyways, the story is in it) I used to have this bike last year. It was a miniture bike, like real small. Ü I loved that bike. have you seen those? I wanted to ride it to school and back home. I only had it for a week though. I lost it up in Portland when i stayed wtih my sister. Then in the middle of the night i was riding around with a couple of my friends, then they like dissapeard, (its hard to remember stuff from that night clearly... if you knw what i mean) so I was doing something and i threw a rock and it landed on this guy squatting behind a bush. (he's weird, i see him a lot up there, everytime he sees you he follws you) and he got up and goes hey young lady, what's you're name. So i got scared and then he started chasing me. So i ran and hid in some yard, not quite sure how i got there, this is aout teh time i lost the bike,. And anyways, there were these two dogs there. And i would haev had a heart attack, but luckily i was intoxicated so it took me a while to proceess in my mind what was growling at me. By then i flopped myself over the fense, where as my fall... was much longer than the actual gate because it was one of those yards that are much higher off the ground then teh sidewalk. And then i hit teh left side of me onto a mailbox or something. Agony. Anyways, this figure approached me and i couldn't see very well so i thought it was that guy chasing me and for some odd reason i immediantly assumed he wanted sex. ... So then i began trying to explain to him that really.. I was a man. But after i talked some i realized it was my friend Eric. HE said .. soemthing i forget then picked me up and took me to his house, and i fell a sleep.. i think, i dunno, dont' remmber. So that's how i lost my bike.
The next day i had to explain to my sister what happened when she was driving me back home. I told her that i left it on the bus then she called me an idiot then i got offende and ... it was tense in that car ride. I couldnt' tell her cause tehn she'd know i snuck out and even worse, seh HATES Eric. so yeah.
current mood:  blah
current music: Beat me -- Custome
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