listening to rufus wainwright's self-titled for the first time in a while. "but i feel it's a long way down ..."

well, here it is. my last day full-time at my current job. i thought i'd be doing backflips and bouncing off the walls. or at least strutting carelessly around the office in flip-flops and my button that says "#1 employee." but no. i'm not. it's actually kind of sad. which is strange, because i can't say that i ever really liked this job at all.

it's kinda like this lite/oldies radio station my officemate plays. it's the same songs everyday, just in a different order: "midnight confession," "crimson and clover," something by fleetwood mac, something by the rolling stones, "crocodile rock," something by the beatles, "walk away renee." coming to this office nearly every weekday for the past 17 months was the same. i knew what to expect, i knew what my day would be like. i'd show up, edit some copy, design some journals, get sternly corrected once or twice by my supervisor and subsequently feel momentarily stupid and/or humiliated, ship off some important package, and go home. it was a routine, a predictable playlist, and i never thought i'd say so, but it was damn comforting in its blandness.

now, everything appears to be up in the air. which is a challenge for me, mostly because the future is, in my mind, a fucking scary place. especially now. i'm dealing with these sudden and unexpected changes in my personal and professional selves. but what can i do? i was talking to dave the other night, and he said something i wrote down in my handy-dandy notebook: "people who take chances don't look back and say, 'damn, i wish i'd have taken that chance,' because they did take that chance. people who don't will always wonder."

my parents are huge motivators for me here, but not because they are encouraging me in any way. i just look at them and think, wow, they never took any chances in their lives, and look at how miserable they are now. predictably, they're pretty unhappy about this new job thing. despite my paycheck from my new part-time job covering all my monthly bills (and then some), and despite me supplementing my income by staying at my current job on a reduced basis, my dad is pissing and moaning that he's going to have to get an evening job of his own so he can support my ass. my mom worries frenetically about everything, and this job situation is no exception. one of the things i hear frequently is how i'm not the son they raised. they mean it as a putdown. i take it as a compliment.