in other current events ...

i had a cookout two weekends ago. it was OK, i guess. nothing too special, but not quite a disaster either. there were some people who came who i was happy to see. there were some people i wanted to be there who couldn't come. there were some people who were supposed to come who just didn't show up. there were some people who i didn't expect to show up who did. and there was at least one person who came who i never thought i'd see again. (and yes, i'm talking about you, john.)

overall, it was kinda disappointing. but that's my general reaction to parties i throw: disappointment. i spend the whole day obsessing about food and cleaning and setting up and whether my guests will actually attend, and by the time the party starts, i'm cranky and irritable and tired, and then RSVP-confirmed invitees decide to flake, i realize i overspent on provisions, the assembled revelers break into weird cliques, etc. perhaps one of the real problems is that i set myself up to get disappointed in people when i should be used to it by now; i.e., why am i upset that so-and-so didn't come through when he/she's never done much to make me think he/she would actually come through? so i need to work on that.

the other thing about the party that was, um, uninspiring ... hmm, i dunno. i've had some moments lately that have made me feel very emotional and naive and vulnerable, which is completely unlike the apathy and cynicism and self-deprecation that have become my crutches ever since those formative teen years. they've been a nice pseudo-therapy for me. but i would hate to think that those whom i truly respect are being falsely sincere and sympathetic in consoling me when they're present during these moments. yeah, i would really not be down with that.

let's see. what else?

oh yeah. kind of a biggie: i quit my job. well, not quit-quit. more like, i reduced my involvement. i got a job at the capital that i start this week. it's part-time, so i will still be picking up hours at my current place of employment to make ends meet. until, that is, i can get a job at a bookstore or coffeshop or bar or something and and quit for good. i could quit for good now, since the newspaper job, despite being only 27 hours a week, will cover all my bills and then some. and part of me would sooo like to. but i gotta look at the big picture: this boy ain't gonna be a man until he leaves the nursery, so to speak. i need a place of my own where i can do the things i want to do. i'm a couple years late on that, according to the university of chicago (see below). so i'm looking to be apartmentized by the new year.

i IMed michelle's adam's friend jim. i wrote him kind of an epic; i'm actually worried i blabbed too much. but he wasn't there at the time. i waited until he was away because i didn't know him and i fear rejection. he replied when i wasn't on IM saying that he wants to talk to me, which was like, whew. the sucky thing is, i don't think we've been online at the same times yet, so that still needs to happen. maybe i shouldn't say this, but he wrote something very nice in his journal about my IM that ... well, it made me sob like a schoolgirl whose barbie has just been decapitated by the recess bullies.

i also bought some credits for the puppy-owners web site, and i sent a few people i saw on there little notes saying hi. i don't know if i'll hear back from any of them. i hope i do. especially the dog-person i originally contacted (unsuccessfully, i think). he seems like he'd be a really great source of comfort and companionship during the strange time it's going to take to get my puppy to fetch.