i know, i know ... i'm an absentee journaler.

so there's this song i've been listening to lately: sarah mclachlan's "sweet surrender." i think i was IMing blake, who who was talking about her, and the song just kind of popped in my head. within a few moments, i was looking up the lyrics on the internet, and wow.

it doesn't mean much
it doesn't mean anything at all
the life i've left behind me is a cold room
i've crossed the last line
from where i can't return
where every step i took in faith betrayed me
and led me from my home
and sweet surrender
is all that i have to give

yeah. so maybe you should read between the lines there.

it's been too long since i've seriously updated this sucker. a lot has happened. and when i say "a lot," well, this time i actually mean it. i've surprised myself, i've surprised others, and others have surprised me. i guess i've played it mostly safe, but i feel like i've been taking some big risks. and regardless of how much i'm putting on the line, life sorta feels like it's beginning to pay off. kinda like a movie that goes nowhere for an obscene amount of time, and then there's an ending that makes sense out all the meandering. (and the crowd exits mumbling, "what the fuck was that?")

so i guess i should recap some of the big things that have happened in the past couple months.

um. now i'm nervous. i guess the huge news is that i got a puppy around mid-april. i think i knew i always wanted a puppy, ever since i was a little kid. and especially for the last eight months or so, i've been really trying to make an appointment with the animal shelter and just go ahead and pick one. but, you know, for me to be someone who wants a puppy (even though i'm totally sure the cat-person/dog-person deal is up to biology) is just flat-out wrong in my parents' eyes, as my parents are obviously very devout cat people. it's terrifying to be a dog-person when you know the cat-persons you live with will be so damn unhappy, they'll throw your ass on the street. so i guess that's why it took me so long to get a puppy. and now that i have this puppy, it's just like, wow. this puppy is just the coolest pet ever. i just have to train it and it'll be soo much cooler. it's strange how this puppy has affected even the minutiae of my being. like, clothes are more comfortable, the colors look brighter, and the air is fresher.

but for a short time, it was a bumpy ride. i told zofie i might get a puppy not long before i got one. she was really happy for me, which was nice and comforting, mostly because zofie and i were kind of on the outs because i think i let my whole wanting-a-puppy baggage affect my friendship with her (long story, and totally dumb on my part). but as soon as i went home and actually considered getting a puppy, i started to question whether or not i had the right idea. it kind of made me tense and nauseous. but i think that these are probably feelings most new puppy-owners go through. i dunno. i didn't have any friends who own puppies with whom to consult.

so, the ensuing week, i started looking for people just like me, people who own puppies -- maybe even people who own full-blown dogs. you know, for training tips and whatnot. i found a nice web site where i could meet fellow puppy-owners, and i contacted one but never heard back. then, i was talking to michelle on IM, and i told her about my puppy, and it was kind of weird, because IM is not the place to reveal you're a new puppy-owner. she and i made a date and went out to a french restaurant to discuss my new puppy. she is very supportive and proud of me, and she referred me to jim, one of adam's best friends, who, as i understand, has a dog himself at least part of the time. i dunno, i'm kind of a chickenshit, so i couldn't bring myself to contact jim. but then i found an internet community for people who have dogs of all kinds. and soon, i'm talking to some great guys who also own puppies (it's not as creepy as it sounds, trust me), which is great because i don't feel so alone anymore.

so then ... well, i'm kind of getting too involved in the retelling of this whole puppy scenario. and i guess it merits a grand retelling, but i dunno. i'm tired, and i don't really want to get into it in such depth. i have a puppy. big whoop. apparently everyone knew i would get a puppy someday (except, of course, me, thanks). but i would like to get all full house-tinkly-synth-lesson-learning-music and say that there have been some people in my life lately without whom i probably would've gone nuts. it's a frustrating thing to buy a puppy when you're almost 25 years old, and these guys are just tops. (ahem.)

chris: we're both dog-people from very strict cat-people families. but thanks to you, i know my puppy will really come into his own one day. red: you have so many dogs, and you love them all, and that's great. keep 'em healthy, and they'll put on quite a show. you always seem to bring home the trophies, so you're doing something right. doc: i know i just got a puppy, but i can honestly say you are the best vet ever. i can't thank you enough for your concern over his general well-being and grooming. and michael: what can i say? you love my puppy as if he is your own. thanks for being so nice to him and giving him all puppy treats. one day, i hope you can sit him.

i really want to tell steph about my puppy, but i'm absolutely scared to. and i can't really put my finger on why. she is my best friend. she has been for as long as i can remember. i guess i'm worried she won't like my puppy. oh well. everything will turn out OK, i hope. i envision a near-future in which she and i will take my puppy to the park to chase frisbees. i haven't seen steph in a few weeks, so maybe this coming-up weekend would be a nice time to catch up. my puppy would really like that, i think.

so. too much puppy in the journal right now. i bet people who read this are thinking i'm gonna turn into the kind of guy who fixates over his puppy and ends up looking like him, digging up bones and humping legs non-stop. please don't worry, guys. i'm still the same old me. i just have a puppy now. and that puppy has really been warm and welcome addition to what used to be a frail and empty life.

i think i'll save the other updates for an entry to be written soon. additionally, i think i need a hug.