it's been a while since i last wrote in this thing. maybe you noticed. (ryan.) maybe you didn't. (everybody else.)

is there any point in saying what's happened in the past several weeks? in catching up? things are definitely the weirdest they've ever been. varying degrees of miserable. disrupted plans. frustrating obstacles. personal revelations that don't make much sense 90 minutes later. there's this scene in the movie requiem for a dream where a character is crouching into a full bathtub and screams with her head under water. that's an encapsulation of my mood lately.

the other night, i thought i put my finger on the "problem" (note the quotes), or at least part of it. the next morning, i was back to being unconvinced. i'm still unconvinced. i don't know if i will be able to figure this all out anytime in the near future. all i can do is hold on for tomorrow.

sigh. i need a hiatus from thinking. my shitty job has, oddly enough, become a kind of silver lining to all these clouds. routines are good if they provide momentary distractions. i want someone to talk to, but at the same time, i don't want to talk to anyone. i am a bundle of contradictions. hey, at least i can admit it.

i could go on. but instead, here's a phantom planet song called "lonely day." fill in the blanks.

i could tell from the minute i woke up
it was going to be a lonely lonely lonely lonely day
rise and shine, rub the sleep out of my eyes
and try to tell myself i can't go back to bed
it's gonna be a lonely lonely lonely lonely day

even though the sun is shining down on me
and i should feel about as happy as can be
i just got here, and i already want to leave
it's gonna be a lonely lonely lonely lonely day

everybody knows that something's wrong
but nobody knows what's going on
we all sing the same old song
when you want it all to go away
it's shaping up to be a lonely day