it's michelle's birthday! happy birthday michelle! let's celebrate! in her honor, i penned a festive birthday ode to the tune of the beatles' "michelle." i apologize in advance. it's not nearly as raunchy as i'd intended. enjoy!

michelle, she’s swell
without michelle, my life would be hell
my michelle

michelle, she’s swell
je ne parle pas français, j'écris des chansons bêtes

the penis you made out of carrots, broccoli and french onion dip
it really made my birthday
baby, next time wrestle me instead of j. putsché

michelle, she’s swell
je ne parle pas français, j'écris des chansons bêtes

remember the surprise attack at my party a few years back?
you know you really liked that
better than the hot potato soup from the game room

i love you
blue meanies and steph and doc sandy in that dumbass science class
i can’t believe i didn’t pass
but i would take it over again just to share notes with you

michelle, she’s swell
dieu saint, je vraiment pue à la langue française!
i’ll gladly give your butt twenty-two spankings plus one for luck
my michelle

now, without further adieu, i'll countdown my top five michelle moments ever. here we go!

5. disgusting evil porn! OK, yeah. that party wasn't necessarily one for the books. but damn, my sides still hurt from our running commentary! enduring those green kimonos and the thrush-like '70s-euro pubes was soooo worth it.

4. arundel mills shopping spree. i think that, in retrospect, we can both agree that my stained-glass dalmatian candleholder beat your forgettable foo-foo in our dollar-store war last spring. but whatever the outcome, this was a very fun afternoon that can be summed up in three words: unicorns are dumb. or: rainbows are stupid. your choice, of course.

3. office survivor. we almost made it to the end as a team, but it was not to be. alas, look on the bright side. you really tore me up in your jury speech! oh, the profanity! the names you called me would make german sailors blush with shame! by the way, what exactly did you mean by "pig-squelching whore-gusset"?

2. husband and wife. sorta. you're still my favorite person i ever pretended to be married to in order to gain admittance to a sneak preview of the new harry potter movie. (oddly enough, it wasn't the first time that happened.) from our beginning as preschool sweethearts to the birth of our grotesquely oversized son, it was a day for the faux family album.

aaaaaand the top michelle moment is … *drumroll*

1. the kiss. technically, you paid me for it. (am i a whore?) $1. (am i a cheap whore?) what a party. what a snog. what a hangover.

i dunno what else there is to say! well, except for ...

love ya, michelle!

i am so very tired. i think i spent all my energy on the previous journal entry this afternoon. (i probably did, actually. i had to write the damn thing twice since my computer crashed near the end of the first attempt.) i've started working out again. at least 45 minutes a night, two nights in a row (so far). this is likely a contributing factor. and possibly the reason i am ready for bed right this very minute.

but here's the thing. i really need to get this sidebar done so the glen burnie package will be over and done with. i've been pissing and moaning and postponing for too long. alas, i know i don't have the concentration to write it right now. but if i have the mental power to fashion this rambling, why shouldn't i take a crack at the sidebar?

so half of me wants to be productive, and the other half wants to just shut down. which will emerge victorious? find out sometime tomorrow ...