every weekday morning when my alarm goes off (after i reset it for 20 minutes later and it goes off again), i fumble for my television remote and turn on VH1. typically, a music video will be on, a music video so irritating and horrendous that it produces an involuntary reaction that zips me right out of bed and into get-ready-for-work mode. i would like to take this space to honor the popular repeat offenders.

jennifer lopez's "all i have." my patience for this woman's music career is getting thinner than her voice. however, her video for "jenny from the block" makes me kinda chuckle, especially when she's wearing nothing but booty shorts and an open fur and sings about how she "puts god first." yeah. god loves the whore-of-babylon look.

any faith hill video. i could get stoned for saying this, but i don't think "cry" is a terrible song. however, faith hill herself gives me a horrid rash, and this video features multiple faith hills in some sort of thematic mobius-strip structure. but sometimes VH1 will be really evil and throw me for a loop by playing "breathe" instead. that's the totally heinous video where faith is out in the desert doing power yoga or something, and it proves that multiple faith hills are sometimes the preferable option to faith hill out in the desert doing power yoga.

dixie chicks' "landslide." right when i see natalie maines approach the camera in that freakishly mismatched hair-and-dress combo (1700s jezebel or vampira goes bluegrass: you decide) -- both of which are freakishly mismatched to natalie maines's physical appearance -- i can't avert my terrified stare soon enough.

kid rock's "picture." it's awfully hard for me to take the "sensitive" kid rock seriously, when, in any other song, he'd be bragging about all the whiskey he drinks and chicks he bangs instead of rethinking his ways. actually, it's hard to take any kind of kid rock seriously. when i look at him, i really just want to wash his hair with a giant bottle of pert.

vanessa carlton's "ordinary day." i bet that bitch dots all applicable lowercase letters with hearts.

mariah carey's "through the rain." i know, i know, it's not "can't take that away (mariah's theme)," and for that, i should be grateful. however, i just get creeped out by this video. it's about this mother and daughter who squabble over the daughter's african-american boyfriend. i honestly can't tell the time period, but the daughter's garish ensemble drops a few hints: either it's the '50s, when such candy-colored fashion atrocities were permissible, or it's set in 2003 and the daughter is getting ready for her job as a cashier at muscle beach hot dogs & lemonade. as she runs away to be with him, her journey is interspersed with shots of mariah singing in a city street. then, in the weird ending, a 50-years-later version of the daughter and the boyfriend are in a church (?) watching a still-"beautiful" mariah preach her sonic gospel from the pulpit (?). this video is not about doing what makes you happy or following your heart, no sir. it's about how mariah is forever. and that's a concept that returns regularly in my nightmares.

thanks, VH1.