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Monday, October 23rd, 2006
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2:29 am
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So what the fuck happened tonight? Everything started out so strong and wound up so fucking bad. Well, no. Not so fucking bad. Then why so upset? Because I wasn't receiving MALE attention?
...Yeah.
Maybe even particular male attention.
I don't know if I like him because I shouldn't or if I actually do. In any case, I'm not incredibly sure how to handle any of this.
I'm tired of being by myself, officially. I'm lonely and I want someone to care enough to help me take care of Jessica. I want someone to like me genuinely for the first time in my entire life- not who you want me to be, not who you think i am, but who I actually am.
This is against my nature. It seems that everytime I write in this fucking journal it's a rant about romance and that's sad.
I'm going to pull a card.
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| Wednesday, October 26th, 2005
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10:18 pm
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| Wednesday, May 4th, 2005
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8:55 pm
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It can only get better from here.
I love you, kid. Part of me always will, on some level.
I will miss you dreadfully.
Goodbye.
+h
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4:42 pm
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| Saturday, April 30th, 2005
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10:37 am
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a very stupid person once told me very wisely:
"Everything is alright in the end. If it's not alright, then it's not the end."
I think at this point I'm going to trust God. I was never a Jesus Freak and I've never been religious. I question the existence of organized religion at all. But right now, I'm putting my faith in whatever universal being that has taken care of me thus far, whether it's an underlying scientific pattern to the world (as tiffany believes) or the guidance of a prophet who died two thousand years ago (as sarah, tim, kate, chris... pretty much everyone i know believes.) What will be will be, and I will BE right along with it.
Think of this:
I've become somewhat pretty.
I'm going to GHP this summer. I'm going to be away from the drama and the CRAP for six weeks, with new people, doing something I love.
There are a lot of people who would be close to me if I let them. Maybe I should, now. Maybe it's time for that.
I've been making a lot of provisions of the topic of Christopher. I keep planning for the worst: What happens when/if we break up.
Well, maybe I should just enjoy him for what I can right now. And stop assuming that we're going to break up. Just work on building my relationship with him back up.
...I think I should make friends with Mer?
Then I wouldn't be SO jealous of her, and that always seemed to work with zach.
Besides, I like her.
But it just feels so off to me. It makes me cringe even now to think about the way they act together; he keeps saying it's nothing, and i don't think he means anything by it or he'd actually physically do anything.
however-- how much is too much? when does it become humiliating to know that he's holding my hand but looking at and talking to her?
i can't do this to myself.
dates.
I'm going to focus on the positive.
And I need to take care of haley. She isn't happy either.
I'm going to work on this show. They're capable of a lot, and I can stretch them that far this week.
Okay, time to move my bed and take a shower. This world of mine needs to be skewed, and it's time I realized sometimes things have to be lame before they can become good.
love is touching souls, surely you've touched mine
part of you pours out of me in these lines from time to time
(we call this closure)
+h
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| Friday, April 29th, 2005
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4:54 pm
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I refuse to be unhappy, now.
I think I've still got some things to figure out, though. I wish I understood...
You know: he makes new friends for a while, then gets tired of them.
maybe that will happen.
would it really be so bad if we did break up? i think about it a lot lately, because i want to make sure i'm doing the right thing hanging on.
i don't like to say goodbye.
but maybe i should.
do you love me? "yes"
do you want to be with me? "yes"
do you like this girl? "of course not"
do you think you'd be happier without me? "i didn't say that"
am i convincing myself?
...maybe.
maybe if we're supposed to be together, we will. you know? maybe we're supposed to break up. maybe we just need some time away from each other.
and you know, if we are supposed to be together, maybe we will be. but i think now we need to be in a different spot than we are, dating or otherwise. because this can't go on like this.
so, i will stick to the plan we've outlined. i will watch. and i will wait. and if i decide over the next three weeks that this just isn't best than we'll end it.
because i don't think he wants to do this anymore. and that makes me so sad, but i think it may be true.
i don't want to throw away anything, though, you know? ...maybe not. i'm so indecisive i make myself ill.
sex. here we go.
"don't have sex to save a failing relationship."
so i won't.
although chris says he wants to, in memory of what we have had, i owe that to someone who loves me. and anything else will feel cheap.
if he doesn't love me, than i won't do it. and until i'm certain that he does, i won't either.
i do love you, chris.
and i will miss you dreadfully if we do end this.
but if it doesn't get better...
...it can't go on like this anymore, baby.
+h
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| Tuesday, April 26th, 2005
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10:49 pm - Why is Felicia still blonde, exactly?
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I've just about had it.
Seriously, this is about all I can take. Oh, I can draaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaag this another year. Sure. No problem. Look how quickly this one scrambled by.
But damned if I don't desperately wish I were graduating with everyone else. It feels like we've done our time, frankly. It feels like we're done.
But we're not. And if we aren't, it's because we aren't supposed to be. There must something coming out of this last year that makes it worth it.
Okay, now. You.
I love you. A lot. This much is fact.
I don't feel unjustified in being hurt, and feeling like you are ignoring me. Because you have been.
BUT damned if I'm going to chase you down and beg for you to love on me.
So, this is what I'm going to do:
Shut up.
I'm going to shut up.
And try not to focus on it. If I can't help it, I'll bring it up again. If I find myself only getting upset because I feel like I should be, I'll deal with that.
Damn.
Okay, Heather. We can work on that. Being crazy and nurturing your insanity is retarded.
This will be alright, you know.
+h
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| Friday, April 22nd, 2005
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4:56 pm
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THERE IS SOMETHING SERIOUSLY WRONG WITH A WORLD WHERE RACHEL AND I ARE BOTH WHORES AND KATE CRAFT IS A DRUG ADDICT.
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| Thursday, April 21st, 2005
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10:09 pm
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you remind me of a dress
that i didn't even wear out with you.
you used to be one of the rotten ones, and i liked you for that.
I miss you like the back of my hand. you felt so warm and close tonight, sticky and nice and your lips on my back were more than i could take.
dirty laundry needs to be washed; i just want to make sure that it will come out the same color it was before it turned sour.
i love you. i wish i didn't, sometimes, but i do.
do you know how many beautiful fucking memories i have tied in with you? jesus.some sad ones but enough pretty ones to appreciate them.
you are so incredible. even if this doesn't heal up the way i wish it would, i want you to know that the rawest oldest piece of my heart will always be in love with you. you are an absolutely beautiful person and i'm realizing now how blessed i've been to have had you for so long. even if this is over.
for once, the MEANS outweigh the ENDS.
whenever said END may be.
i'll probably lose my virginity to you. at least i know it. it has to be right, though. in bed. home alone for a while. no park benches or bathtubs. no dirty sheets, at least when it starts. i've made too big a deal about this to let it be nothing. it IS a big deal to me.
i genuinely pity anyone who didn't get to go to high school. it does some amazing things to you. as much as i love to whine about school, and drama, i feel whole because of what it's built me up to be.
i love you.
park that car
drop that phone
sleep on the floor
dream about me
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| Wednesday, April 13th, 2005
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6:33 pm
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Everything feels really weird here. Nothing's quite working out right. But for some reason, I've been able to hold off negative emotion today.
except for the feeling-ignored thing. i just love that.
if you don't love me anymore, i don't want you with me. and the way you're acting toward me, i wonder a little bit if you do.
but i love you, and i'll miss you terribly if that's the case.
do you remember the first time you kissed me?
sprawled out on my bed. a lamp on (before it burned itself,) the light casting a soft glow on our tired heads. that sort of warm sleepy feeling like nothing mattered except the comfortable murmur of your voice.
and then the shaking. the oh-my-god-he's-going-to-kiss-me feeling, and the shaking that came with that. kissing my forehead, my nose my cheeks my MOUTH and how gradual it was! slowly working your way over from beside my mouth to inside my mouth.
that one felt so good, my love.
i've kissed quite a few boys, you know, and a handful of girls. and everytime i anticipated it. figured it. knew it was coming and just COUNTED on it.
i wanted you. WANTED you. but i'd never let myself admit that. even to my own mind.
that was the most pleasant surprise i've ever had. this intense electricity just shot through my and warmed what parts of me already weren't.
and then- pulling away when i realized how far it had gone. rested my head on your chest, panting from the strength of our connection. oh god i'm sorry.
then, back. softly at first. touching your hair and your face and your mouth with my lips and feeling absolutely complete.
euphoria, for a couple of hours.
the thing about euphoria is, as mrs. berman put it, when the bad hits you, it hurts.
and that happened homecoming and it's happening now. what goes up MUST come down and i wanted to stay up so much, christopher my love.
but hey- we went back up once. maybe again?
this is emotionally destroying me.
+h
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| Sunday, April 10th, 2005
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10:04 pm - the dreams in which i'm dying are the best i've ever had.
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I missed you, "girlie."
You look prettier and happier in your new home. Stay there, if that's what makes you that.
Een-ter-est-ing weekend, this. Met a few new people. I like new people, sometimes, if they seem to like me.
and they seemed to like me.
heh.
+h
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| Thursday, April 7th, 2005
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4:29 pm - may you find some comfort here.
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They call it climbing, and we call it visibility
They call it coolness, and we call it visibility
They call it way too rowdy, and we call it finally free
I need to be told that everything is going to be okay when I'm not crying yet.
My head is a mess. I need something.
My misses you.
+h
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| Tuesday, April 5th, 2005
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6:53 pm
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Oh, god. I wish I knew and I wish I was..
I would honestly love to stab someone right now.
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| Monday, March 28th, 2005
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10:25 pm - do you wanna know what you woulda won?
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Music I thought I'd left behind with the tears I shed on the floors of the girls' bathrooms of that damned middle school.
Old habits die hard. In unhappiness: nostalgia.
And again I find my respite in something someone else has made.
"...I do believe I've failed you..."
Heh.
My lips hurt for chewing on them; my mind hurts for overthinking, its usual mistake. All I seem to see is myself backed into a corner.
I hate you. Hate hate hate you. Wish I could make you and it go away.
You've taken over my home and ripped the things I love from my already grasping fingers.
My natural impulse, to cry, is effective even on myself a limited amount. I can only drop some measure of tears before I become completely disgusted with myself and start looking for something, anything, to put my back on my feet again.
Because that's where I want to be!
I want to be In Charge. Taking Care Of Myself, capable of taking care of somebody else.
I long ago tired of wanting to play a victim. Be silent, and weep later over how I've been taken advantage of. I cringe now to think of things I've said and done and LET SLIDE in the past.
I have learned that it won't do to simply ignore bullies. And it certainly won't do to fight them outright.
My body is healing itself after a decade of deliberate misuse. My mind is active again, truly active; reading and creating and THINKING for god's sake...
At the risk of sounding trite, I'll admit that I've been watching my spirit with some perplexity. I have no idea how to go about making my emotional self whole again.
I have faith in myself, now. I will figure out what I need to do.
But, as for now, I am all out of ideas. And I don't think the answer lies in religion or the index of a self-help book.
I don't trust people who I would have thoughtlessly called my friends a year ago.
It infuriates me the burning point to think of your cries for sympathy for my neglect of you. If I have neglected you, I had been more than mutual, dear.
In my childish mind, I envisioned friendship as undying.
I find comfort in the way my room smells after you've gone, but I wonder if you love me for the right reasons, still.
I think you do. I hope you do.
This relationship is a roller coaster.
I'm having strange dreams lately. I woke up Easter Sunday with my head reeling of a manilla envelope/ pink ones and graffiti scrawled/erased on a desk. And I woke last night after dreaming about Mr. Jenkins, strangely enough. I can't remember what happened exactly, it faded a couple minutes after I woke up. I do remember feeling cleansed. Having discussed something, or something. I woke with a pleasant understanding between us: we have both changed, but some affections always lie.
I miss him in a weird way... the kind I don't really think about until I see him or he floats unbidden into my mind. I used to have such thoughts of Jessie, too, but those died when we went back to good terms. I wonder if my longing for Jessie's old sisterly affections for me (of course, i guess some of what we did was unsisterly) existed simply because I had tossed it away when she threw up her soul, as I wonder now if I miss Zach in a way that matters only because it's unresolved.
I doubt it, though, somehow. And now I'm going to cast him and the whole lot of the stinking putrid world to the back of mind until they pop into my subconscious once more.
+h (still alive?)
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| Friday, January 28th, 2005
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11:03 pm
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so you think they'll want me?
chewing at my pillowcases when i'm trying to sleep
tossing sweaty sheets into the air and
wondering how to touch my
most blush-worthy dreams
with a smile and a handshake
and the confidence
that
I Deserve This.
washed-out white but
somehow loud
why are you confiding in me?
it's great; please, keep doing it
(i smile at these moments when you become less of a stranger)
yes- but why?
the more i think
the more ...disheveled... my mind becomes
do you remember bare
dirty feet
jumping fences before legal curfew to commit the most minor of misdemeanors
the smell of chlorine
(a smell i always seem to connect with bleach)
and the way we'd stiffen when any noise stirred from the bushes
beyond the chainlink fence?
our feet looked
so much paler in the warm water
and when the rippling lights bounced off your face, it was enough to blind me.
your choked human beauty is the most awe-inspiring thing i've ever seen--
and that crook under your arm?
...hugging it to my chest like
your appendages can protect me from something that
neither they
or i
can see.
(i once was lost but now i...)
know. you've got this. i've got this.
i love you in this moment
and i have perfect faith in you.
+h
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| Sunday, January 23rd, 2005
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2:08 am
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| Wednesday, January 19th, 2005
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7:12 pm
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God has nothing on me
except, perhaps, a plan for action
all this talk of happiness has me further in the hole.
your cold selfless gossip stings me to the bone, but i am guilty of your ugly crime--
your tangled morality makes me question my own
censors my tongue
i will not tell this secret. not this time.
i dug out my makeshift yearbook from 2003 today
my freshman year.
the beginning of a new period in my life.
i felt like crying a bit when i read the halfpage you wrote me, kid. things like:
"I can't imagine a life without you in it."
what was then sweet and obvious is now heartbreaking and ironic.
I miss you, friend.
hell. i miss you all.
but what's love without trust?
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(comment on this)
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7:12 pm
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God has nothing on me
except, perhaps, a plan for action
all this talk of happiness has me further in the hole.
your cold selfless gossip stings me to the bone, but i am guilty of your ugly crime--
your tangled morality makes me question my own
censors my tongue
i will not tell this secret. not this time.
i dug out my makeshift yearbook from 2003 today
my freshman year.
the beginning of a new period in my life.
i felt like crying a bit when i read the halfpage you wrote me, kid. things like:
"I can't imagine a life without you in it."
what was then sweet and obvious is now heartbreaking and ironic.
I miss you, friend.
hell. i miss you all.
but what's love without trust?
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(comment on this)
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| Tuesday, January 11th, 2005
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10:09 pm
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| Wednesday, December 22nd, 2004
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7:21 pm
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this is what you call
our golden years?
call it what you may.
I, however, drenched in my own self-pity
and wallowing in my inability to make decisions,
have decided to end things.
i need an outlet
i need an EXIT
i need a vague idea of what i'm trying to escape.
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(comment on this)
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