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tell me what you think you're tearing me in two ripping me in three [29 Apr 2005|10:05pm] [ music | dark new day: brother ] so i seem down. but i was actually happy. always a meer minute (it seems) of pure happiness for me, then something always crushes it for a while. then i have my moments. manic depression they call it. diagnosed at age fourteen. and i'm nearly twenty-one. what does that tell you? manic indeed. i'm hungry. and tired. and i have things to do. i have a crush on someone. and eric thinks he likes me but. i don't know. i'm not sure. i wish i could be fixed. i feel a rush of depression rushing over my mind for another while. i feel abandoned and stepped on and used and not thanked for anything by anyone other than eric and nick. what's the use ? i wish i could just be taken care of. july is just around the corner and so many things are happening that month. god. tomorrow is my seven month anniversary at wendys. ay ay ay. i can't fucking think. i better go. later.

tell me what you think i put my blinding faith in youuu -_- [28 Apr 2005|12:21am] [ music | breaking benjamin: sooner or later ] so i've been happily single for i'm thinking two weeeks but i can't remember how much exactly. so much has passed by since. :) tomorrows the big night out with nick and eric. i think maybe i'm actually ready to be with someone that is foh rizzie. like. someone that means something crucial. i'm still sick with whatever i caught. i blame it on peggy cuz she gave me her fork i didn't want the thing to begin with (@ dennys) and dustin, cuz he coughed on me. and david. omg david. almost freaking ... ok i'm not going there. i got some flip flops from spencers that on the side say "if you want your ass kicked, just ask" and i wore my spongebob pjs when i went to see work at 5 but i was sleepy and wes goes i like your pants, carin. i was like, yeah me too :) and and and... i'm tired. then peggy came by to get her keys and i was sleeping but i somehow flew up and went and gave my keys to her but my heart was in my throat throbbing really hard when i answered the door and somehow all i said was "my throats beating, just go get your keys i'm out of breath" she just laughs and did it i was like ay ay ay. and my income tax came in, 245 just like i thought. so i'm caught up for a while. anyway i better go. i'm getting tired again. :) and i think i'm definitely crushing on someone in which i should not be crushing on. i think i'm regressing into childhood when i crush on someone who in terms is my mentor, basically. *kills self*

tell me what you think take two benadryl and drink two shots of jim beam and call me in the morning [23 Apr 2005|10:21pm] [ music | sum 41: hell song ] so today pretty much sucked i'm typing with my head down cuz its too tired to hold it up. i did what my subject says excluding the "call me..." part. today was annoying. found out someone very close to me is very fake. so i have an annoying headache in the back of my neck it's 10:30 and i have to be up at 6. to do laundry. so i'm hoping to sleep soon.

tell me what you think refuckinpetitive [22 Apr 2005|10:55pm] [ music | linkin park: breaking the habbit ] i'm not ok (i promise)

tell me what you think and the fucking sky fell. [20 Apr 2005|09:03pm] [ music | Eminem: Encore ] Yeah. Back to being the dirty underwear that you strew around the room whilst staring at that beautifully never worn petticoat. Blah. For five days you filled me with incredible happiness. For five days I was in the most wonderful ever-experienced euphoria. Shit, how five days can fly by. How well I accept this heartbreak. All I can think of is how stupid I was to be so happy. It won't happen again. I don't know what I am more: pissed because it happened too quick, or hurt because I let myself get into you just like I always was. God. I hate myself so much because of this. What could I have done better? And I know I can't do anything about the way you feel. I hate that I let myself hurt when inside I expected this to happen, and worried about it happening. I should have said no that night you asked me back into your graces. I should have shut you out of my heart because this hurts so fucking bad. I can't believe how incredibly stupid I am. I blame myself for this, and everything that results. I am my own fucking epitome. My own fucking nightmare, and now I can finally see that clearly enough to realize what needs to be done. At least now I won't be in your way - on your precious path - telling you I love you and that I care about you. I can't believe how pissed off and hurt I am- simultaneously. I know in two days at least I'll be fucking depressed. Fuck it I don't care what happens.

tell me what you think this.is.the.last.time.i.save.you [19 Apr 2005|09:30pm] [ music | lost prophets: tonight ] ay ay ay. today was ok i guess. people were stupid - as usual. friday and saturday im hanging out with eric and i was sposed to go to the movies with sabbi tonight but yeah. lets not go there. and im definitely not turning down hanging out with eric. i don't care what my dad thinks of him. or anyone. hes my best friend and that's final. he said he missed me anyway, and that picked me up in a way no one else can. i mean josh makes me more than happy, and im very thankful that hes in my life and that he loves me, but i still need eric as my best friend. :) he still helps me with being depressed. its good to have him around too. anyway. off i go. *inhales deeply*

tell me what you think ay ay ay aaaaaayyyyyyyy. [19 Apr 2005|08:35am] [ music | rammstein: los ] okay so, last night i got the 24 hour flu bug. but i threw up nine times so this morning i feel a crapton better :D and my mom lied she said i'll just feel burpy and shit it out. i must have gotten something different than what she had gotten. cuz i threw up til i didn't have any food left in me, then i threw up what little sprite i drank for nausea, then i dry heaved. oi that wasn't fun. it feels like your gut is coming up too. ay ay ay. but i'm okay now. my hands are shaking but i'm okay.

tell me what you think Nude. [18 Apr 2005|02:06pm] [ music | edie brickell: nothing ] so here i lay in my bed. naked as ever except the blanket i sleep under only covering the important parts. my insides shift and smother each other bit by bit with every single movement i make. and yet i feel so relaxed and peaceful. i'm tired and exhausted in my head. but i'm happy. happy as ever.

tell me what you think live: i alone [17 Apr 2005|09:02pm] [ music | the pixies: here comes your man ] so i'm listening to the song matt requested for me when i was 16. (god rest his restless soul) oi. todays been a bitch of a day. i need a cigarette but my parents might catch me. (and this seven year old habit i can't seem to quit) but that's okay. i can wait til tomorrow. i still hate living in uni city. stupid games and shit going on right now. its about to kill me and a half. god i do need this cig. i have it hanging out of my mouth unlit... and i want to stay up all night but i know that won't happen. i wish i could smoke in here and i can't. anyway. time to go...........

tell me what you think i'm finally happy. [16 Apr 2005|09:25pm] [ music | green day: boulevard of broken dreams ] so i worked today 11-8. damn i'm tired. and tomorrow i work 830 to 5. oi oi. then going out with sabbi to the club. i think eric's too good to talk to me now. i called him from peggy's phone and he answered. he didn't answer from my phone. heh. i suck. oioi. i thought i was his best friend but i guess not. and then i saw a lot of my old coworkers. and i'm excited about going to florida in july. hoop hoop! anyway, later gater.

tell me what you think i purposely forgot about loving anyone [15 Apr 2005|09:54am] [ music | sister hazel: all for you (full band version) ] so i woke up, turned my phone on, and had a text message from ozzy. his real name is mitch but he says my name like ozzy osbourne says his wifes name in that accent so he lets me call him ozzy. he went to illinois quite a while back and i had nearly forgot about him til this morning. i think he's back in town i'm so excited! :D anyway i better get ready for work. latah.

tell me what you think virginal suicide [14 Apr 2005|10:42pm] [ music | 3 doors down: away from the sun ] you know that feeling you get when you think something goods about to happen, but you think if you actually mention it, it'll jinx its perfection and flawness existance and it'll go away? i'm experiencing that. it's kind of like euphoria. tomorrow i'm supposed to hang out with eric, i been depressed and lately he's the only one who can cheer me up. (dunno eric? look here) anyway. and on sunday night i'm going to the dickson st. theater (here) with sabbi to celebrate his last day at our store - then he'll be at wendy's in springdale. god i'll miss him. snot fair. anyway. he'll be coming back. no need for tearshed. or bloodshed either. anyway. to learn more about the state i live in visit any of the links below: dickson street the state i'm in the city i live in the beauty in my state

tell me what you think colorization [14 Apr 2005|07:31am] [ music | helmet: drug lord ] so i been depressed off and on for a while. im due at work in an hour so i better make this quick. i don't really know what to post on here.. i've been teaching myself meditation and chanelling. im connecting well with a guide but i haven't got a clue how to communicate properly. i feel a deep seeded connection tho. anyway. i guess i better get a move on.

tell me what you think step by step i will push you thru this [12 Apr 2005|10:37pm] [ music | mudvayne: fucking determined ] i am so fucking depressed that it's mentally suffocating.

tell me what you think the word for this entry: disposition [10 Apr 2005|11:03pm] [ music | 12 stones: soulfire ] the sound of thunder and cars rolling by, and the sound of light light rain reminds me that there is nothing in my heart but sadness and sorrow. i feel like screaming but i can't all i can do is cry. his words, his heartless words break me even more than heartbreak. why am i so effected by everything he does or every thing he associates with. why does it fucking matter? why does anything ever fucking matter?

tell me what you think i am broken glass. [08 Apr 2005|10:50pm] [ music | hawthorne heights: the transition ] so much can happen in fuck only one day. went to the bank put my money in there then went to the mall got a red rubber bracelet that says bad girl got a bunch of more stickers for my back window got two cds; a hawthorne heights one, and a damien rice one. got a blue male beta fish, its gorgeous for a male. got a NIN shirt, that has halo seventeen on it [and all that could have been] and got a yeller deftones shirt got some happy bunny earings that say kiss my ass. went to see sin city with nick met jerome and two hours later he gave me two hickies. so dustin moved back up here and now thats what he calls me. hickey. ugh. and ate more than i had. now i have to go to sleep cuz i work at 8:30 in the am.

tell me what you think another sleepless fucking night. -_- [07 Apr 2005|12:02am] [ music | collective soul: december ] ok so, in the picture below: i stole those. they were priced $22.98 at the mall. i wanted them. and i like them. and i sure as hell would not have paid that much for them. so i stole them. :) and then, peggy wanted to go to kim and david's to get liquor but i'm on prescription medicine so i can't drink. then she wanted to get weed from and old coworker and i can't do that nor do i want to, so i blew her off on that too. i owe nick a movie i know i do, but i can't be assed right now. i can't even be assed to eat properly. on monday afternoon i had 12 cookies, no lunch and no dinner. on tuesday i had pizza surprise to eat with my meds for breakfast, no lunch and no dinner. on wednesday i had yet again, pizza surprise for breakfast again with meds, and pizza at about 8 pm. totalling that i have eaten four times in three days. no wonder i feel sick all the time. i need to eat more. my insides are eating each other. i think i'm going to go eat some okra and chocolate milk.

tell me what you think ¯live_again¯ [06 Apr 2005|08:24am] [ music | beck: broken drum ] ok so i feel like good things can happen today. im still unhappy about a few things though. i guess it'll be okay. i killed an orange crab leg yellow sac spider in my bathroom. i didnt know it was poisonous til i decided to look it up on the net though. anyway. im giving saggy pue a ride to work today. and i only work 11-2. hmmm. i need to talk to eric. later i guess.

tell me what you think . w i t h o u t . y o u . [04 Apr 2005|09:37pm] [ music | godsmack: voices ] ok so i went to the doctor today. doctor...bertram was his name. (o) anyway. so i've sprained my left knee. so-called diagnonsense. i'm prescribed with panlor, a.k.a., vicodin for pain. and naprelan, an anti-inflammatory medication. oi. i hate medicine. so anyway. life goes on i guess. i need to go with nick to the movies. god i owe him so badly. and eric. oh man. anyway off i go.

tell me what you think i'm just trying to find a decent melody [03 Apr 2005|01:55pm] [ music | filter: hey man, nice shot ] okay so im kind of bored i want to post so here goes. *inhales deeply* i feel bound within the walls of my head. like i can't even breathe or move without a moment of freedom. its sick really, i think it's because of my active chaotic mind. some call it attention defficit disorder but it's not what i have, i have focus if i really want to, but if its not self satisfying my mind wanders. far. i feel like sometimes i want to kill myself. but i don't want it to have reactions on everyone else, and i know if i do, it would have major reactions. plus, i made that pact with eric and he put it right back in my face. (you die, i die. simple as that.) and i can't have him dying. plenty of excuses of not wanting to, right there. no questions asked. i feel like. i'm in love, but i've been heart broken enough to stop myself at a certain limit. i feel like i have to watch him make all these mistakes. i feel like he's the one i'm meant to be with but i can't tell him because he doesn't think so. i feel like i'm in suffering forever like i can't tell anyone i'm god-it's that big of a deal to me. it's crushing me inside. maybe it's why i've been having this nagging migrane pounding into my head since yesterday. maybe it's why i can zone out a little too easily. because i can't think without him in my head. it's horrid. i wish i could just let go. i keep thinking about matt. my poor matt. why did he do what he did? we were just kids. why couldn't he see it any other way? why couldn't he understand the cause and effect of it all??? i have thought about him more now than ever for about four days at least now. i keep hearing that gunshot in my ear like it was my head he blew off instead of his own. i don't think i'll ever begin to really really understand why he killed himself. we were meant to be together, and he blew it all away. i know it wasn't his fault entirely, but he broke me. i keep thinking of the better half of what happens all the time. that it'll pay off when i finally find mr. right. and, we both know, i gave up looking for mr. right after matt was gone. and when i turn twenty-one, it will have been five years since i lost matt. matt was my mr. right and everyone knew it. but no one could stand it because we were so perfect together. i guess in the real visceral shape of it all, i'm meant to be alone for the rest of my life, only surrounding myself with plenty of liquors and cigarettes, but i'll never be shaped to my own perfection.

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