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you're tearing me in two ripping me in three [29 Apr 2005|10:05pm]
[ music | dark new day: brother ]

so i seem down. but i was actually happy.
always a meer minute (it seems) of pure
happiness for me, then something always
crushes it for a while. then i have my moments.
manic depression they call it. diagnosed at age
fourteen. and i'm nearly twenty-one. what does
that tell you? manic indeed. i'm hungry.
and tired. and i have things to do. i have a crush on
someone. and eric thinks he likes me but. i don't know.
i'm not sure. i wish i could be fixed. i feel a rush of
depression rushing over my mind for another
while. i feel abandoned and stepped on and used and
not thanked for anything by anyone other than eric
and nick. what's the use ? i wish i could just be taken
care of. july is just around the corner and so many things
are happening that month. god. tomorrow is my seven
month anniversary at wendys. ay ay ay. i can't fucking think.
i better go. later.
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i put my blinding faith in youuu -_- [28 Apr 2005|12:21am]
[ music | breaking benjamin: sooner or later ]

so i've been happily single for
i'm thinking two weeeks but i
can't remember how much exactly.
so much has passed by since. :)
tomorrows the big night out with
nick and eric. i think maybe i'm
actually ready to be with someone
that is foh rizzie. like. someone that
means something crucial. i'm still sick
with whatever i caught. i blame it on
peggy cuz she gave me her fork i didn't
want the thing to begin with (@ dennys)
and dustin, cuz he coughed on me. and
david. omg david. almost freaking ...
ok i'm not going there. i got some
flip flops from spencers that on the side
say "if you want your ass kicked, just ask"
and i wore my spongebob pjs when i went to
see work at 5 but i was sleepy and wes goes
i like your pants, carin. i was like, yeah me too :)
and and and... i'm tired. then peggy came by
to get her keys and i was sleeping but i somehow
flew up and went and gave my keys to her
but my heart was in my throat throbbing really
hard when i answered the door and somehow all
i said was "my throats beating, just go get your keys
i'm out of breath" she just laughs and did it i was like
ay ay ay. and my income tax came in, 245 just like i
thought. so i'm caught up for a while. anyway i better go.
i'm getting tired again. :)
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i think i'm definitely crushing on someone in which
i should not be crushing on. i think i'm regressing into
childhood when i crush on someone who in terms is my
mentor, basically. *kills self*

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take two benadryl and drink two shots of jim beam and call me in the morning [23 Apr 2005|10:21pm]
[ music | sum 41: hell song ]

so today pretty much sucked
i'm typing with my head down
cuz its too tired to hold it up.
i did what my subject says
excluding the "call me..." part.
today was annoying. found out
someone very close to me is
very fake. so i have an annoying
headache in the back of my neck
it's 10:30 and i have to be up at 6.
to do laundry. so i'm hoping to sleep
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refuckinpetitive [22 Apr 2005|10:55pm]
[ music | linkin park: breaking the habbit ]

i'm not ok (i promise)
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and the fucking sky fell. [20 Apr 2005|09:03pm]
[ music | Eminem: Encore ]

Yeah. Back to being the dirty underwear that
you strew around the room whilst staring at that
beautifully never worn petticoat.
For five days you filled me with incredible happiness. For five days I was in the most wonderful ever-experienced euphoria. Shit, how five days can fly by. How well I accept this heartbreak. All I can think of is how stupid I was to be so happy. It won't happen again. I don't know what I am more: pissed because it happened too quick, or hurt because I let myself get into you just like I always was. God. I hate myself so much because of this. What could I have done better? And I know I can't do anything about the way you feel. I hate that I let myself hurt when inside I expected this to happen, and worried about it happening. I should have said no that night you asked me back into your graces. I should have shut you out of my heart because this hurts so fucking bad. I can't believe how incredibly stupid I am. I blame myself for this, and everything that results. I am my own fucking epitome. My own fucking nightmare, and now I can finally see that clearly enough to realize what needs to be done. At least now I won't be in your way - on your precious path - telling you I love you and that I care about you. I can't believe how pissed off and hurt I am- simultaneously. I know in two days at least I'll be fucking depressed. Fuck it I don't care what happens.
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tell me what you think [19 Apr 2005|09:30pm]
[ music | lost prophets: tonight ]

ay ay ay. today was ok i guess.
people were stupid - as usual.
friday and saturday im hanging
out with eric and i was sposed to
go to the movies with sabbi tonight
but yeah. lets not go there.
and im definitely not turning down
hanging out with eric. i don't care
what my dad thinks of him. or anyone.
hes my best friend and that's final.
he said he missed me anyway, and that
picked me up in a way no one else can.
i mean josh makes me more than happy,
and im very thankful that hes in my life
and that he loves me, but i still need eric
as my best friend. :) he still helps me with
being depressed. its good to have him around
too. anyway. off i go. *inhales deeply*
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ay ay ay aaaaaayyyyyyyy. [19 Apr 2005|08:35am]
[ music | rammstein: los ]

okay so, last night i got the 24 hour flu bug.
but i threw up nine times so this morning
i feel a crapton better :D and my mom lied
she said i'll just feel burpy and shit it out. i
must have gotten something different than
what she had gotten. cuz i threw up til i didn't
have any food left in me, then i threw up what
little sprite i drank for nausea, then i dry
heaved. oi that wasn't fun. it feels like your
gut is coming up too. ay ay ay. but i'm okay
now. my hands are shaking but i'm okay.
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Nude. [18 Apr 2005|02:06pm]
[ music | edie brickell: nothing ]

so here i lay in my bed.
naked as ever except the
blanket i sleep under only
covering the important parts.
my insides shift and smother
each other bit by bit with every
single movement i make.
and yet i feel so relaxed
and peaceful. i'm tired and
exhausted in my head.
but i'm happy. happy as
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live: i alone [17 Apr 2005|09:02pm]
[ music | the pixies: here comes your man ]

so i'm listening to the song matt requested for me when
i was 16. (god rest his restless soul) oi. todays been a
bitch of a day. i need a cigarette but my parents might
catch me. (and this seven year old habit i can't seem
to quit) but that's okay. i can wait til tomorrow. i still
hate living in uni city. stupid games and shit going on
right now. its about to kill me and a half. god i do need
this cig. i have it hanging out of my mouth unlit...
and i want to stay up all night but i know that won't
happen. i wish i could smoke in here and i can't.
anyway. time to go...........
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i'm finally happy. [16 Apr 2005|09:25pm]
[ music | green day: boulevard of broken dreams ]

so i worked today 11-8. damn
i'm tired. and tomorrow i work
830 to 5. oi oi. then going out
with sabbi to the club. i think
eric's too good to talk to me now.
i called him from peggy's phone
and he answered. he didn't answer
from my phone. heh. i suck. oioi.
i thought i was his best friend but
i guess not. and then i saw a lot of
my old coworkers. and i'm excited
about going to florida in july.
hoop hoop! anyway, later gater.
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i purposely forgot about loving anyone [15 Apr 2005|09:54am]
[ music | sister hazel: all for you (full band version) ]

so i woke up, turned my phone on, and
had a text message from ozzy. his real
name is mitch but he says my name like
ozzy osbourne says his wifes name in that
accent so he lets me call him ozzy. he went
to illinois quite a while back and i had nearly
forgot about him til this morning. i think he's
back in town i'm so excited! :D anyway i
better get ready for work. latah.
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virginal suicide [14 Apr 2005|10:42pm]
[ music | 3 doors down: away from the sun ]

you know that feeling you get
when you think something goods about
to happen, but you think if you actually
mention it, it'll jinx its perfection and
flawness existance and it'll go away?
i'm experiencing that. it's kind of like
euphoria. tomorrow i'm supposed to
hang out with eric, i been depressed
and lately he's the only one who can
cheer me up. (dunno eric? look here)
anyway. and on sunday night i'm
going to the dickson st. theater (here)
with sabbi to celebrate his last day at our
store - then he'll be at wendy's in springdale.
god i'll miss him. snot fair. anyway. he'll
be coming back. no need for tearshed.
or bloodshed either. anyway.
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to learn more about the state i live in
visit any of the links below:

dickson street
the state i'm in
the city i live in
the beauty in my state

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colorization [14 Apr 2005|07:31am]
[ music | helmet: drug lord ]

so i been depressed off and on for a while.
im due at work in an hour so i better make this
quick. i don't really know what to post on here..
i've been teaching myself meditation and
chanelling. im connecting well with a guide
but i haven't got a clue how to communicate
properly. i feel a deep seeded connection tho.
anyway. i guess i better get a move on.
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step by step i will push you thru this [12 Apr 2005|10:37pm]
[ music | mudvayne: fucking determined ]

i am so fucking depressed that it's mentally suffocating.
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the word for this entry: disposition [10 Apr 2005|11:03pm]
[ music | 12 stones: soulfire ]

the sound of thunder and cars rolling by, and the sound of light light rain reminds me that there is nothing in my heart but sadness and sorrow. i feel like screaming but i can't all i can do is cry. his words, his heartless words break me even more than heartbreak. why am i so effected by everything he does or every thing he associates with. why does it fucking matter? why does anything ever fucking matter?

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i am broken glass. [08 Apr 2005|10:50pm]
[ music | hawthorne heights: the transition ]

so much can happen in
fuck only one day.
went to the bank
put my money in there
then went to the mall
got a red rubber bracelet
that says bad girl
got a bunch of more stickers
for my back window
got two cds; a hawthorne
heights one, and a damien rice
one. got a blue male beta fish,
its gorgeous for a male.
got a NIN shirt, that has
halo seventeen on it
[and all that could have been]
and got a yeller deftones
shirt got some happy
bunny earings that say
kiss my ass. went to
see sin city with nick
met jerome and two hours
later he gave me two hickies.
so dustin moved back up here
and now thats what he
calls me. hickey.
and ate more than i had.
now i have to go to sleep cuz
i work at 8:30 in the am.
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another sleepless fucking night. -_- [07 Apr 2005|12:02am]
[ music | collective soul: december ]

ok so, in the picture below:
i stole those. they were priced
$22.98 at the mall. i wanted
them. and i like them. and i
sure as hell would not
have paid that much for them.
so i stole them. :)
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and then, peggy wanted to go
to kim and david's to get liquor
but i'm on prescription medicine
so i can't drink.
then she wanted to get weed
from and old coworker
and i can't do that nor do i
want to, so i blew her off on that
too. i owe nick a movie i know i do,
but i can't be assed right now.
i can't even be assed to eat properly.
on monday afternoon i had 12 cookies,
no lunch and no dinner. on tuesday
i had pizza surprise to eat with
my meds for breakfast, no lunch and
no dinner. on wednesday i had
yet again, pizza surprise for breakfast
again with meds, and pizza at about 8 pm.
totalling that i have eaten four
times in three days.

no wonder i feel sick all the time.
i need to eat more.
my insides are eating each other.
i think i'm going to go eat
some okra and chocolate milk.

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┬»live_again┬» [06 Apr 2005|08:24am]
[ music | beck: broken drum ]

ok so i feel like good things can
happen today. im still unhappy
about a few things though.
i guess it'll be okay.
i killed an orange
crab leg yellow sac spider
in my bathroom. i didnt know
it was poisonous til i decided
to look it up on the net though.
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anyway. im giving saggy pue
a ride to work today.
and i only work 11-2.
hmmm. i need to talk to eric.
later i guess.

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. w i t h o u t . y o u . [04 Apr 2005|09:37pm]
[ music | godsmack: voices ]

ok so i went to the doctor today.
doctor...bertram was his name. (o)
anyway. so i've sprained my left knee.
so-called diagnonsense.
i'm prescribed with
panlor, a.k.a., vicodin for pain.
naprelan, an anti-inflammatory
i hate medicine.
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so anyway. life goes on
i guess.
i need to go with nick to the
god i owe him so badly.
and eric.
oh man.
anyway off i go.

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i'm just trying to find a decent melody [03 Apr 2005|01:55pm]
[ music | filter: hey man, nice shot ]

okay so im kind of bored
i want to post so here goes.
*inhales deeply*

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i feel bound within the walls of my head. like i can't even breathe or move without a moment of freedom. its sick really, i think it's because of my active chaotic mind. some call it attention defficit disorder but it's not what i have, i have focus if i really want to, but if its not self satisfying my mind wanders. far.

i feel like sometimes i want to kill myself. but i don't want it to have reactions on everyone else, and i know if i do, it would have major reactions. plus, i made that pact with eric and he put it right back in my face. (you die, i die. simple as that.) and i can't have him dying. plenty of excuses of not wanting to, right there. no questions asked.

i feel like. i'm in love, but i've been heart broken enough to stop myself at a certain limit. i feel like i have to watch him make all these mistakes. i feel like he's the one i'm meant to be with but i can't tell him because he doesn't think so. i feel like i'm in suffering forever like i can't tell anyone i'm god-it's that big of a deal to me. it's crushing me inside. maybe it's why i've been having this nagging migrane pounding into my head since yesterday. maybe it's why i can zone out a little too easily. because i can't think without him in my head. it's horrid. i wish i could just let go.

i keep thinking about matt. my poor matt. why did he do what he did? we were just kids. why couldn't he see it any other way? why couldn't he understand the cause and effect of it all??? i have thought about him more now than ever for about four days at least now. i keep hearing that gunshot in my ear like it was my head he blew off instead of his own. i don't think i'll ever begin to really really understand why he killed himself. we were meant to be together, and he blew it all away. i know it wasn't his fault entirely, but he broke me.

i keep thinking of the better half of what happens all the time. that it'll pay off when i finally find mr. right. and, we both know, i gave up looking for mr. right after matt was gone. and when i turn twenty-one, it will have been five years since i lost matt. matt was my mr. right and everyone knew it. but no one could stand it because we were so perfect together.

i guess in the real visceral shape of it all, i'm meant to be alone for the rest of my life, only surrounding myself with plenty of liquors and cigarettes, but i'll never be shaped to my own perfection.

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