Blurty for *The Stars Will Cry The Blackest Tears Tonight*. View: User Info. View: Friends. View: Calendar. View: Memories. You're looking at the latest 20 entries. Missed some entries? Then simply jump back 20 entries.

Wednesday, July 13th, 2005

Subject: *I Know What I Want* Time: 12:35 am. Mood: hopeful.

I cannot use myspace blog...much rather that... random thinking on a deep thinking night when I should be in bed or working on a speech eeek... I want a guy...that likes me...that I like back...that I do not want to run away from. That I could possibly have a future with. Like long term. Not saying marriage but long term as in I will not have to worry about stupid little fights or little things said and then go home to wonder if he will call the next day or if it is over. I think my last relationship messed me up to be paranoid. Thanks. I want someone to go to the mall with when i am bored to shop. To go to Mt trashmore with me to swing when bored. To TALK to me about things going on. To share things with me. To come to my house so my parents do not always go nuts wondering where I am. To go to Hunt Club with me in the fall so we can share in the fall activities together. To walk on the beach with. To go to a dinner and a movie with. Wow I want a boyfriend. Amanda for once in her life wants a boyfriend. And not one of those off and on things where it turns out bad. But everything has turned out bad in the past. And it is not like I do not have somone in mind for all of this because I do...I just cannot have it right now..or even in the near future...but I am not going to go look for someone new or look for this wonderful experience because i am not like that to look for things that will come when the time is right. Also because this...what I want, is all in my head. Who says it will really be like this? One can only hope. if you could see how happy I am in my head.

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Subject: *I Will Never Let You Down* Time: 1:18 pm. Mood: hopeful. Music: "I Will Never Let You Down"~ Verb Pipe.

I'm trying to keep my feet on the ground I'm getting to like this feeling I've found I'm getting to love The thought of having you around And I will never let you down Your friends were all well meaning When they said No one is good enough for you But if they play with your emotions Dismiss the notion Do what you have to do Cuz people don't take chances with their hearts Since I've met you I am past the hardest part So remember one thing I will never let you down (I will never let you down) I'm trying to keep my feet on the ground I'm getting to like this feeling I've found I'm getting to love The thought of having you around And I will never let you down (I will never let you down) Sometimes you feel defeated But it's okay You're not the only one And all e complications Bad situations happen to everyone It doesn't matter how it ended or began Sometimes the best that you can do is change your plan Hope you understand That I will never let you down I'm trying to keep my feet on the ground I'm getting to like this feeling I've found I'm getting to love The thought of having you around And I will never let you down (I will never let you down) I will never let you down I will never let you down I will never let you down

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Subject: *BLAH* Time: 8:22 am. Mood: annoyed.

This reminds me of two years ago when I came out here...I am saying the same things too...so I am a bitch to travel with...I have my own things I like to do in my own way and they get messed up when I leave...I feel like no one misses me...I just hope this week goes by fast and it gets to Thursday...then it iwll be fun

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Subject: *What A Feeling* Time: 10:40 am. Mood: sad.

I can only think about one thing and that is...exactly a year ago....I would take it back for anything in this world...I would

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Subject: *Wake Me Up* Time: 9:39 am. Mood: gloomy. Music: "You Belong To Me"~ Jason Wade (lifehouse).

"The best love is the kind that awakens the soul and makes us reach for more, that plants a fire in our hearts and brings peace to our minds, and that's what you've given me. That's what I hope to give to you forever. I love you. I'll be seeing you." "Summer romances begin for all kinds of reasons, but when all is said and done, they have one thing in common. They're shooting stars, a spectacular moment of light in the heavens, fleeting glimpse of eternity, and in a flash they're gone. " ---ha is that not the truth or what? Sucks...last night I had emotion for the first time in a while...damn movie...I could not even speak what I wanted to say because I know right now is not the time...he is happy and I should be happy for him...blockage...I need a topic for my oral commication class...help?

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Subject: *Can't Take It Anymore* Time: 9:12 pm. Mood: annoyed.

Amanda's Daily Libra Forecast Quickie: You don't want to disrupt your routine until you realize it's for that certain Romeo or Juliet. Toss that calendar out the window. Overview: If you're seeing someone, expect the relationship to deepen considerably. If you're not, keep your eyes open. Whether you're at a club with friends or perusing the avocados at the grocery, the right person could be just a smile away. Libra Daily extended (by Astrology.com) You wrote the book on relationships, so if anyone can counsel someone else on the subject, it's you. Still, since you're probably involved in a very intense situation yourself right now, you might want to take a time-out from sitting in the big chair -- at least long enough to figure out this latest challenge the universe has tossed your way. That way, when you're asked for advice, you'll be able to offer it with a clear conscience I want to run

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Subject: *Fall To Peices* Time: 2:31 am. Mood: confused.

I sometimes wonder if there is something wrong with me that I cannot feel certain things...I do not want to feel lost anymore, but I think I am suppose to right now...I feel like certain things are going to happen in my future but it is like right now I am worried about...I am just sick of waking up every morning and being me...I just want to get away from me...and not to offend anyone, but the people around me...and yet when I have a minute to myself I dont want to be alone...I am so antsy and want to get up and go do something...I cannot sit still for a minute...but wherever I am I do not want to be there but somewhere else....

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Subject: *I'll Be Seeing You* Time: 5:41 pm. Mood: indescribable. Music: "I Want My Life" ~Smile Empty Soul.

Why do horrible things happen to such wonderful people....I wish I could turn back time...and not just to my own enjoyable yet somehow depressing times, but to when I was like 6 years old, and I met this amazing friend that was not like any friend anyone could ever have. I seem to block things out in order for me not to hurt or to think about them so much. I am getting great at it becasue for the longest time I have not thought or missed anything....until now...I miss a lot....it is what happens when someone keeps journals of their life and you feel like something happened on this day a year ago and you read back and something did...a turning point in your life....I think I had a lot of turning points in my life last year....I did something last night I have not done in a while either...I do not even know where it came from either...it seems I am back to writing a lot as well...which is good...I think I need to...I have so much in me that needs to come out and yet even with writing it wont...it stays inside of me and eats me up...but I am ok...which is odd...for the first time in a long time I can honestly say I am content...yet parts of me are doubtful...I mean have I ever been content...yes last summer...no one knows....my heart is crying....maybe I am not content but numb? I am ok with being alone at this moment in my life...I do not feel I need a a guy to make me feel happy...so that part is ok...but I am still empty...I will always be missing something from me...when will I find my missing puzzel peice....

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Subject: *Nostalgia Kicking In* Time: 12:16 am. Mood: frustrated.

Why do I get like this....

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Subject: *Here We Go Again* Time: 10:26 am. Mood: amused. Music: "Here We Go Again"~ Paramore.

Libra Daily extended (by Astrology.com) Throughout your life, pleasing the one you love has always been at the very top of your priority list. You need to find some time for yourself right now, however. There's a personal matter that you really need to tend to. And while it may end up being a balancing act -- not an easy one either -- if anyone can manage it, it's you. Now how about sharing your secret with the rest of the world? "And here we go again With all the things we said And not a minute spent To think that we would regret No way to take it back (?) These words that hold our breath Forget the things we swore we meant I'll write you just to let you know That I'm over you Can't say I'm sad to see you go Because I'm not No I'm not Well I'm not...."

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Subject: *Tear* Time: 11:47 am. Mood: content.

"'Cause in the end you always turn back to who was there at the beginning.” ~Dawson’s Creek "It's weird as it happens, isn't it? You still love the person, but you just stop needing them like you used to."~ Dawson’s Creek "Growing up sucks. Not all kisses are magic, and most boys do not live up to your expectations, but there are those times when everything, I mean love, romance, relationships, it all falls together perfectly and it's incredible." ~ Dawson’s Creek "If we weren't so afraid to let go, we wouldn't feel so free when we finally did" ~ Dawson's Creek "And that 1st kiss its the passionate one. It's the one filled by desire and attraction and all that while the 2nd kiss is rational. You got time to think about it, worry and ever-analyze. And most women they prefer that 1st kiss but I'm partial to the 2nd one cause its about something more. You'll get that 2nd kiss and when you do it'll be great it'll be real, it'll be meaningful." ~ Dawson's Creek "We're really young and we're gonna screw up a lot and you know we're gonna keep changing our minds and our hearts and through all that the only real thing we could offer each other is forgiveness. Don't let yourself get so angry that you stop loving because one day you'll wake up from that anger and the person you love will be gone"~ Dawson's Creek "To continue to love someone when there's no promise of that love ever thriving, now that's true romance." ~ Dawson's Creek "Faith is believing in things when common sense tells you not to." ~ Dawson's Creek "Did it ever occur to you that you're so caught up in trying to make the right choice that you've never stopped to consider the possibility that there may not be a right choice, or a wrong choice, just a bunch of choices? All the really exciting things in life require more courage than we currently have, a deep breath and a leap. The kind of fear you're talking about... sometimes it's how you know what's worthwhile." ~ Dawson's Creek "Letting go isn't a one time thing, its something you do everyday, over and over again." ~ Dawson's Creek "Ever have one of those days you wish you could start all over again?" ~ Dawson's Creek "How can you simply be friends with someone when every time you look at them all you think about is how much more you really want them?" ~ Dawson's Creek "You know you love someone when you can spend the entire evening sitting by the fire watching them sleep." ~ Dawson's Creek “You don't come across that many people that give you butterflies, you just don’t” ~Dawson’s Creek “I didn't ask for it to be over, but then again, I never asked for it to begin. For that is the way it is with life, as some of the most beautiful days come completely by chance. But even the most beautiful days eventually have their sunsets. Everything changes eventually, that's just the way life is and you have no control over it. Like, suddenly, people who you think are always going to be there, they disappear. You know, people die and they move away and they grow up" ~Dawson’s Creek “You know, I’ve been thinking about what you guys were saying earlier, about boys being twits. And I think you’re right... but there’s more to it than that. ‘Cause, you know... sometimes all they have to do is just look at you, with that certain look, that look that says that you are exactly where they want to be... and you feel it too, for them... and you just melt, like a big blob of ice cream. Even when you don’t want to.” ~Dawson’s creek "No matter where you go or who you go there with, you'll always have a piece of my heart." ~Dawson's Creek "Goodnight little star. Maybe tonight is the night that my wish will come true. Sleep tight little star, I'll be dreaming of you. And if I wake up tomorrow and he's still just my friend, then I'll see you tomorrow little star, to try this wish again." ~Dawson’s Creek

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Subject: *What You See Is Not What You Get* Time: 12:12 am. Mood: rejuvenated.

It is funny how things turn out...I mean your heart tells you something and usually that is how it should be...People really think I am dumb and I think it is funny bc I am not...I may act it sometimes like my blonde shows through but I have common sense...a lot of it too...my vibes I get from people ARE right...No one will disrespect me and try and tell me how something is when you are so fucking wrong it is funny...I mean I cry from laughing so hard...someone that thinks they can make me feel lower to higher themselves fuck you...I am so far gone you will never see me again...this is the last time I ever go against what my heart says to me...I mean this whole entire relationship was based on me not wanting to be alone...how wrong was that...I mean really I lied to myself and everyone else...that is bad but really it is true...i tired to make it work soooo many freaking times to try and prove a point..why would I ever want to be with someone who does not care about me yet says he does...I am sorry but I have friends that care more for me then a boyfriend...ex...wait...maybe he was never a boyfriend lol...who knows...not I...I have this awesome friend that will swing with me on swings and take me to a zoo or to a farm so I can play with the pigs...that sees ME...not someone who will not call or show up late or not hang out with me or not want to be with me...who will just be a loser...sorry...I mean I do not hate anyone...still dont...but maybe I am disappointed?...who knows...but this time..for the first time...I am happy with everything around me...I do not need someone to make me feel low...when I know how great I really am...i am not stupid...I saw through you...i am typing like I am typing to him..not sure why...but no I see through people...I can see who they really are and I knew from the start but wanted to fix it...it was the idea of liking them...and wanting to be with them...if only I opened my mouth sooner..and bit the bullet and just took being alone for a while...instead of trying to make something work that obviously was not working the 2nd or the 3rd or the 4th or the 5th time! Just know everytime someone talks about you they laugh...hard Okee enough of that retarded stuff...life is good and has been for a while actually

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Subject: *My Weakness Is I Care Too Much* Time: 5:08 pm. Mood: hopeful. Music: "Low"~ Kelly Clarkson.

Ok so Aaron promised not to do what he did in the past....I trust you...I really do not miss writing in this...this is probably the only thing I could live without...some things i just cannot give up...like people...it is so hard...when you care so much...and people wonder why you care so much...bc they cannot see why you care so much but maybe they are not suppose to see? But I think it does not matter anymore bc soon it will be over...it may already be over as I write this...it prob is...and maybe that is for the best? I do not want it to be over...I see my life in my head how I want it to be, and nothing in reality is like that...and the things in my head are not like out there that could never happen they are simple things...like having someone in my life that cares about me and that I care about...that calls me randomly and comes by randomly and sits with me when I am bored, or walks on the beach with me bare foot...holding hands...just loving life...going to carnivals I love carnivals so much...just taking life in....in the fall carving pumpkins with me...or going to petsmart to look for a toy pig for my cat...going bowling with my parents or out to eat...or to the movies...I am a simple kind of girl...I do not want things bought for me but if that happens then it is nice and very sweet, but not needed...I even found how much I miss just watching TV with someone...laying on the couch with them...maybe it is the comforting feeling I like...maybe that is bad? I just dont want people look at me and think "weak" bc I say I am but I really do not think I am...I think I am pretty strong...I mean I have no been through that much in my life but some of the things have been kinda big when they were going on and I made it through when others give up...I am strong and i know it...I just get my moments...I am human...we break I do wish sometimes I could just tell my thoughts to go jump off a cliff bc when everyday I see something or smell something or even hear something that reminds me of a certain time it brings me down...

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Subject: *The United States Of Leland* Time: 12:42 am. Mood: thoughtful.

I just watched this awesome movie that makes me think so deeply, yet I will not share it for the fear of my thoughts getting back to people who I care not to share them with...it is sad really...but yeah thats life

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Subject: *My Mind Is Open And The Thoughts Are Pouring Out For The World To See* Time: 1:00 am. Mood: content.

NoStalGic DREAMR: there is a guy in my eng class who openly admits to the teacher he sells and smokes it and I asked him if having only $40 in his bank account was worth all the week he smokes NoStalGic DREAMR: and he even showedme it NoStalGic DREAMR: and said that it is great NoStalGic DREAMR: he said more but I forgot NoStalGic DREAMR: weed* Mike CrdR: that's sad NoStalGic DREAMR: it is NoStalGic DREAMR: just think of what it kills inside of you Mike CrdR: brain cells NoStalGic DREAMR: its sad Mike CrdR: it's not so much that it's bad for you but i just makes you a bad person NoStalGic DREAMR: I think killing brain cells is bad? lol Mike CrdR: yeah but everythink kills brain cells NoStalGic DREAMR: I am getting like tiny shooting pains in my forehead Mike CrdR: *thing Mike CrdR: ouch Mike CrdR: we gotta figure out what's wrong with you Mike CrdR: i don't want you to feel bad NoStalGic DREAMR: my mom does then forgets about it lol Mike CrdR: geez i'll go to the doc with you if you want me too Mike CrdR: or something NoStalGic DREAMR: she made me so mad yesterday when I told her our family would never be normal wheather aaron was gay or not...then she got mad at me and I told her how she is so ungrateful for the things she has in her life how she complains and never sees the true pleasure in life how we are all healthly and she said aaron is not that he has a disease and then she yells at my dad telling him to take the floor up and it looks nice and he worked so hard NoStalGic DREAMR: I felt so bad for him NoStalGic DREAMR: it makes her sound so bad but I feel she is ungrateful I mean if she won the lottery it still woundlt be good enough for her NoStalGic DREAMR: she would want more somehow NoStalGic DREAMR: its like 110 pounds is not good enough for her...it makes me feel like I am not good enough for her Mike CrdR: gosh i'm sorry NoStalGic DREAMR: that anything I do will be wrong to her bc one day she feels one day and then contridicts herself the next...telling me to give up on dave and when I get pissed it is bc she is right and I know it NoStalGic DREAMR: no dont be sorry there is nothing to be sorry about NoStalGic DREAMR: its just things that make me want to not be like her and drive me to be better Mike CrdR: well that's good NoStalGic DREAMR: and I am not like that I am grateful for what i have...I mean I have a nice house...too nice I think...it keeps me dry and safe and I always hae food no matter what...i have way too much NoStalGic DREAMR: I have a dad who will take off work to take my car back up to get is fixed NoStalGic DREAMR: and prob pay for it all over again if he had to Mike CrdR: you just made me feel all warm inside NoStalGic DREAMR: I feel horrible for saying such mean things about her she is an amazing mother just sometimes NoStalGic DREAMR: aw lol NoStalGic DREAMR: I mean she gives up a lot for us too and she works hard but she doesnt need to complain so much I mean she complains about her goals...having goals at work made me want to start working more so I get reach them and do better than others...I mean I bought stuff last ngiht so I would do well for the week lol my mom told me to buy $83 worth so I would gold star and she would pay me back NoStalGic DREAMR: I should have Mike CrdR: oh you can buy stuff towards your goal NoStalGic DREAMR: yeah lol...I am hoping I can take it back and put it under the stores number instead of mine so it will not be deducted from my sales bc it was $40 and I dont really have it NoStalGic DREAMR: I was waiting to buy it at the end of the month when it would be on sal efor me but I decided to do it last night and beth bought some stuff to for me NoStalGic DREAMR: I thought that was sweet NoStalGic DREAMR: I realized today that my mother does not chew gum like some mothers NoStalGic DREAMR: its like chewing gum is abnormal NoStalGic DREAMR: for me NoStalGic DREAMR: for her* Mike CrdR: lol NoStalGic DREAMR: our power went out and she was fussing bc she couldnt take a shower and she couldnt get online or do this or that...I just laughed when I tried to turn the tv on lol Idont know Mike CrdR: lol NoStalGic DREAMR: I saw Jobe last night Mike CrdR: oh? Mike CrdR: where NoStalGic DREAMR: I was standing in the middle of the floor at the store and I looked up and he was walking pass the store...he never looked my way or ecknowledged (sp) the store was there NoStalGic DREAMR: I did not realize i would react as I did i went in the back room Mike CrdR: ha Mike CrdR: how'd you react NoStalGic DREAMR: I mean I wanted to break up with him but seeing him I dont know I freaked...like I had flashbacks of good times and all and its like I cannot stay mad at anyone...I mean I may come off mean and cold hearted sometimes but I cnnot stay mad at anyone even if they hurt me...I dont know why I just cant NoStalGic DREAMR: its like with us I couldnt stay mad like I wondered how you were doing and stuff NoStalGic DREAMR: i sometimes wonder what he is up to and if things are going ok like his dad and all Mike CrdR: that's good that you do Mike CrdR: means you're a good person NoStalGic DREAMR: and knowing me I would talk to him again...I mean I dont even know why but I prob would bc well I dont know why I just cant stay mad Mike CrdR: yeah NoStalGic DREAMR: but knowing him he is the out of sight out of mind kind of person and prob does not think twice which makes him not a good person Mike CrdR: i don't NoStalGic DREAMR: I dont...what? Mike CrdR: think of him as a good person NoStalGic DREAMR: I think he is the type that tries to buy love NoStalGic DREAMR: i think he is insecure NoStalGic DREAMR: and I am not as insecure as I come off to be but I think he is NoStalGic DREAMR: but he is 17 so he will grow up eventually and find someone who wants what he wants I am just not her Mike CrdR: yes Mike CrdR: dave's 17 too NoStalGic DREAMR: haha but it was crazy I ran in the back room and beth was like whats wrong and I was like "jobe...I saw jobe..." and she was like "omg are you ok' I was like no I dont think so....I was like wait why am I like this!!?....yeah he is but for some reason dave is so different in my eyes...like I was thinking of that last night how he and andrew were and dave was the one who wanted to talk to girls and get to know them but andrew wanted to get to know what was in their pants it seemed NoStalGic DREAMR: but dave was detailed...he is just different...he I cant explain...but the time tells me he is different lol Mike CrdR: ha yeah NoStalGic DREAMR: i dont know but I like my mood now it is like apethic yet not but I am not down on life but grateful I guess NoStalGic DREAMR: haah I was reading 10 ways to live longer NoStalGic DREAMR: and one was being optimistic and I was telling my dad and he was like "what does that mean then' I said " mom is in her death bed" NoStalGic DREAMR: she got mad lol Mike CrdR: ha NoStalGic DREAMR: #3 was having sex lol NoStalGic DREAMR: I was like oh ok tehn Mike CrdR: haha NoStalGic DREAMR: and one was being rich and that was daves main focus on how life is reolved or well happiness is revolved around money which is true to most people but he was going on and on about how it is and kept asking me if he or steve or cooper would be rich in 30 years and I kept saying I do not know and he kept yelling saying answer the question NoStalGic DREAMR: I was like I cannot answer it Mike CrdR: hmmm NoStalGic DREAMR: I know what mood this is I am in...the writing mood NoStalGic DREAMR: lol NoStalGic DREAMR: where I have a million thoughts and they flow easily Mike CrdR: i can't say money and happieness are not directly related but i wish money didn't exist sometimes but that'd truely be impossible NoStalGic DREAMR: I have had thoughts about that too Mike CrdR: yeah your thoughts are flowing NoStalGic DREAMR: I mean everything revolves around it NoStalGic DREAMR: and it just makes people so bitter and unhealthy to me it seems NoStalGic DREAMR: I mean look at my mother...if money did not exist she would prob be pretty happy Mike CrdR: and she wouldn't have a job NoStalGic DREAMR: I use to say if i were president I would outlaw money hahah I was little when i said that Mike CrdR: so then ???? Mike CrdR: haha NoStalGic DREAMR: well no I mean having a job for the fun of it NoStalGic DREAMR: not bc you make money at it NoStalGic DREAMR: but having a job bc you enjoy it Mike CrdR: hmmm Mike CrdR: interesting NoStalGic DREAMR: I mean it is clrealy impossible for most americans to have jobs that do not make money NoStalGic DREAMR: I mean some do it but I am sure there is so income somewhere Mike CrdR: yeah NoStalGic DREAMR: but I like those people who do their jobs bc they enjoy it not bc they have to do it Mike CrdR: yep NoStalGic DREAMR: my mom has to do her job for us to live NoStalGic DREAMR: to live they way we do NoStalGic DREAMR: I mean she could take her old job back and we could still live but not as we do no NoStalGic DREAMR: w Mike CrdR: yeah NoStalGic DREAMR: which to me would be fine bc we were fine then Mike CrdR: i love your views NoStalGic DREAMR: prob better in my eyes NoStalGic DREAMR: thank you that means a lot to me NoStalGic DREAMR: enjoy them while they last they will go back into hiding soon NoStalGic DREAMR: I wish I could always be like this lol Mike CrdR: me too NoStalGic DREAMR: it seems only early in the morning and late at nights sometimes NoStalGic DREAMR: thats when I write in the morning NoStalGic DREAMR: and do my homework when i first wake up they flow better NoStalGic DREAMR: i think bc they are floating around while I am sleeping ready to come out lol Mike CrdR: haha maybe NoStalGic DREAMR: I told my mom today that I figured out what I wanted to do in life lol...so guy was cleaning out windows at work and i told him how I love to clean my windows in my car lol so I would do that for a living lol my mom said something demeaning (sp) lol Mike CrdR: ha you'll find something you love doing NoStalGic DREAMR: oh I know NoStalGic DREAMR: I kinda hope it is something that does not make much money Mike CrdR: same here for me NoStalGic DREAMR: bc I think that the people who have jobs that they enjoy doing have nice things..in their eyes they are nice but people like my mom liek things bc they look nice to everyone NoStalGic DREAMR: I am def saving this convo lol NoStalGic DREAMR: I wont remember otherwise Iam not eating Mike CrdR: yes i am too NoStalGic DREAMR: haha Mike CrdR: i think i need to go to bed though now NoStalGic DREAMR: me to NoStalGic DREAMR: too* Mike CrdR: even though i slept till 1 NoStalGic DREAMR: lol Mike CrdR: i'm sleepy NoStalGic DREAMR: Iam kinda NoStalGic DREAMR: I really wasnt today lol NoStalGic DREAMR: thats why i stayed all day at work Mike CrdR: call me in the morning ok NoStalGic DREAMR: will do NoStalGic DREAMR: thanks for listening lol Mike CrdR: oh course Mike CrdR: *of NoStalGic DREAMR: haha night Mike CrdR: night :) NoStalGic DREAMR: :)

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