Blurty for Bunny.

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Sunday, October 5th, 2003

Time:2:53 pm.
to the masses that read this diary...

an update for you! <3333


i'm doin good, so...
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Wednesday, July 16th, 2003

Time:8:50 pm.
i am sorry to fail you.
i am sorry to leave you once more.

kiss my lips before i go...
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Sunday, July 13th, 2003

Time:9:59 am.
is been a long long ime snce i updated. just wanted people to know i'm still around.
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Monday, June 16th, 2003

Subject:....fight fire with fire....
Time:6:30 pm.
My mom had an interesting conversation with my gramma. My gramma interpreted the conversation we had as something completely different than what was actually said. It was interesting to hear what my mom said my gramma said.

It's all kind of irrelevant anyway.

So I was laid off on Thursday, which as you can imagine was quite devastating. It's really okay though because even though this door closed, others have opened. And it's really given me a chance to look at what's really important in my life... I was focusing too much on work because working and earning money solved short term problems, but really, I need to get back to school... otherwise my life will always be paycheck to paycheck. That's no fun.

It's all gravy tho, because I got in touch with my old temp agency... I did really well working there, always left an assignment with a good report, that added to the skills I aquired at my previous job, letters of refference, etc. pretty much clears the way and makes it easy for me to get a job. Plus I'm in a much better financial situation than I was. I have my rent split three ways... which means I don't have to work as much to pay all my bills! *phew* That's so awesome, because that really opens up school for me! YAY.

So, I'm super stoked, but becase I've got a lot going on right now, it's hard to focus on this, but I'm going to get turntables for my 21st birthday. (how many commas can i put in one sentence? lol) Of course... that's not until April, but STILL! I'm hella jazzed. I need to create a bunch of little accounts to save for this kind of thing... lol. But I'm sooooo excited. I wanna learn how to spin so bad. I miss music being a part of my life... I'm excited about once again becoming more than just a listener and a creator. But... ah... to learn.

Who will teach me?

Well. I'm sorry this update was short... I will talk to you later.

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Thursday, June 12th, 2003

Subject:raver name
Time:8:31 am.
Ali, Kate and I all sat on the couch last night pondering raver names. We came up with some good ones for ourselves, but since we came up with them ourselves we couldn't give them to ourselves... so... eh, what can ya do?

We might go to high octane this weekend, or we might not. Even tho I wanna go pretty damn bad, it's looking more like a not. We could spend $50 on a party or $7 on coffee... Kate invited us to hang out with her at true love Friday night... I'm thinking that's what we'll do. Then we'll go to the river on Saturday and have a good time. We really need to make up for the money we burned last weekend... and... there will be other parties. :'(

No one knows me in the rave scene - which I suppose is better than everyone knowing me and hating me... lol. But still... how do I become known? What do I become known for? *shrug*

I AM SO INSANELY HUNGRY RIGHT NOW! ... but its one of those tricky hungers where you're not sure if you should eat or not... I wonder if I am something other than hungry?

Well... I can't think of much else to say. TTYL.
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Thursday, June 5th, 2003

Time:9:04 am.
Mood: exhausted.
Music:Empty - Cranberries.
I apologize for the depth in which these entries take you- if you're reading them.
I'm sorry if I'm not writing one of those journals that are happy go lucky where the biggest trauma was resolved that very day... I'm sorry for this is my life.

Do not think me unhappy...
Something has left my life and I don't know where it went to.
Somebody caused me strife and it's not what I was seeking.
Didn't you see me? Didn't you hear me?
Didn't you see me standing there.
Why did you turn out the lights?
Did you know that I was sleeping.
Say a prayer for me.
Help me to feel the strength I need.
My identity-
Has it been taken? Is my heart breaking?
Oh me, all of my plans,
Fell through my hands,
Fell through my hands.
Oh me, all of my dreams,
It suddenly seems,
Suddenly seems...

*sigh* I'm feeling so much better today than yesterday. Yesterday was pretty cruddy. I really should have seen it coming though. There are about a dozen red flags I ignored. Not to metion the fact that I was ignoring the situation itself - and why don't we just ice the cake with the fact that I AM STILL BROKE- and praying that my rent check doesn't bounce, because if it does, none of us can write checks again. I'll have ruined it for everyone. :-(

One of the most shocking conversations I had with my mother was several years ago. It led me into a bulimic frenzy that lasted for weeks. It was not only what we were talking about, but also how we were talking about it. There are parts of my childhood I don't remember -- conversations I had that I can't recall, but she can. She told me about some of these things so matter of factly. She never even looked up while she was amidsts one of her stupid conversations online. And then she just expected me to go up to my room like a good little girl and be okay with things... what she told me that night made everything else make sense - I thought about the day I lost my virginity, and it made sense.

I am glad that my life is not how it was. I'm glad that every day is not painful. I'm glad that I don't feel like I'm hiding this dark secret from people. I'm glad that I no longer feel so dirty.

But sometimes I look in the mirror, or I'm looking at my hands as I press the button in the elevator and I realize that I'm one of those girls. Sexually assaulted. And I'm not so different from any others who have been- because there's something about us that is common thread - the insecurity, in all of it's forms forced upon us when we could have been happy, confident young women. It's easier to just blurt out "what" exactly he did rather than say "raped". Because of the technicality of it... and what people think... because maybe he didn't use his penis to penetrate me (I don't remember if he did or not)... when you say rape people assume penile penetration. I'd rather just skip that and admit he forced me to give him oral sex, or just that something happened down there. But no one took me to get examined. It was all handled behind the walls of our home...
No one ever took me to a doctor. No one ever explained to me what it meant.

It was never dealt with. Poorly handled.

The stupidest thing was blaming myself. I mean really. I blamed myself for YEARS. But I was a toddler... seriously... just a little kid. He was out of the house by the time I was 5 years old (because of accusations, but at the same time, no one believes it's true), so how could it be my fault? He made it into a game - he would bribe my cousins and I with candy. After the cat was out of the bag, we teased him. My cousins and I would taunt him. "*insert name*, child molester" his name fit perfeclty into the mochary- his name even rhymed. I didn't even know what the word meant. I just knew that it was best to get away if we saw him.

But he's harmless? An sweet, but troubled 17 year old, born when his mother fell off a bar stool, suffered through the system, in and out of foster homes as well as mental health facilitys, emotionally disturbed beyond words... but he's harmless... pity always won out. No one believed me, because they felt too fucking sorry for him. He called me a little bitch when I was 5 - for ratting him out. He said I was "lying through my teeth" a phrase that makes me cringe to this day. My grandmother didn't seem to think that his hysterical behaviour was due to guilt. She just beat the shit out of him, and kicked him out for several years. Then damage control. I was told never to speak of it to anyone, and an attempt was made to convince me nothing had ever happened.

Do you know what it's like to wash your hands and still feel dirty?

This was not my only assault -- that's a whole other can of worms. But this one, the first shook me the hardest. Because I was so young. Because he started the cycle. Because he labled me. He made me an easy target. Because of him I see myself sometimes... as raped.
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Thursday, May 29th, 2003

Time:9:54 am.
I miss my old Cher cds. The ones I had from her from the early 70's. She was much more beautiful then than now. The only reason being because back then she was NATURAL. Now she's so plastic looking she doesn't even resemble her old self. Her body is great, but her face? It's so different. This really has nothing to do with anything, except that I miss all my cds that got stolen several months back.

I'm so... um, stressed? I don't even know if that's the word I'm looking for.

It's so hard- at this point to recap the events that have taken place in the last month or so... I hardly have time to even think about things, let alone write about them. And given that this journal is, for the most part, unattended to, there's no point to write daily. It's not like I have a fanclub.

So... I blew off about two months worth of therapy appointments. For some I had good reason, but I didn't bother calling to cancel most. I just never showed up. I'd been doing that anyway, which is how my once a week turned into once every other week- but after missing four or five of those biweekly appointments my t and I needed to discuss future appointments. We've decided that since I'm not actively bulimic or anorexic, and I'm not going through any crisis, but am not completely ready to give up therapy that once a month would be a good solution- that way if a crisis does occur, I don't have to reinitiate therapy- which would force me to go with someone new.

Despite my last several missed appointments, said she was proud of me- that I've worked really hard in the last two and a half years and that I've come a very long way. I met my goal. NOT to be sick by the age of twenty. Even though at times it seemed absoloutly impossible that I could EVER recover and EVER eat normally I've done it. I told her about how just before that appointment I'd come home late from work and was sooo hungry. I went to the fridge and grabbed some left over bbq chicken and munched on that while I looked for something else to eat. I told her how I never thought I'd be able to do that. I was eating because I was hungry, and it felt so good. She said it felt very natural, and was excited for me. Eating is something I will always have respect for. I can't take it for granted. Not after what I've been through. I forced myself to face famine and made my body endure "flu like symptoms" for years. And for the first time since age 12 I look in the mirror and don't see fat, and food, or even the thought of it doesn't send my heart racing or head spinning.

Then, you gatta know, none of that can be said without realizing that I'm still weak to it. I still will fall into old bad habits. Like... last week I didn't eat lunch all week, and by the end of the week I was starting to base my decisions for not eating lunch on the present day on the fact that I hadn't eaten the previous day. The old "Eat less than you did the day before" rule. I realized that wasn't a good habit to get back into- and I really should eat something before 5:00. I still do get stressed out and when I feel hopeless my immediate response is to not eat or throw up- and at times I have slipped, but for the most part I'm okay. I'm able to catch my redflags before I lose control. I realize that throwing up once doesn't mean I should give it all up and throw up all the time. I don't need to deal by getting hung up on calories, and whatever. I'm free. I'm free and I am alive. I can't describe what it feels like, to after so long, finally feel as though I deserve to be.

I think that the hardest part about being in recovery is the change. I am completely a different person than I was two years ago- and that's a hard thing for me to accept because I'm a little less aware of who I am now. When I was sick- I thought I knew who I was, I mean, I hated me, I was probably wrong about me, but it didn't matter because I couldn't see that. Every second of my day I spent thinking about what kind of person I was- and every second after that I spent trying to be "better". Well this is me, imperfect, and I'm still learning about that self, and what kind of person I really am. I mean REALLY, because who I was a year or more ago was not me. It was the eating disorder- I felt like an empty shell. I had no independent thoughts. So now I'm trying to make new friends and establish relationships, just because it's been so long since I've done that. I want to know what I can offer other people. I want to love. I want to help. I want to be a part of people's lives. I want more than just existing alone. I have to admit that's really scary. I'm putting myself on the line, it makes me feel like a little kid sometimes.

I'm learning for the first time... balance.

Having and recovering from an eating disorder is something that sometimes makes me very proud and other times very ashamed. I'm sad because not everyone can understand it. Because you really don't get it unless you've been. That frustrates me. But it's not so bad, becuase I'd rather no one understand it than go through it. I'm at times very ashamed that I wasted so many years of my life. I'm ashamed that sometimes I still see it as an answer- that scares me. I might joke about it and make some joke about eating disorders and totally trivialize it, but at the same time I miss it. (ive never admitted that) While I'm embarrassed at it's cost- friends, family, happiness. I'm embarrassed that I have to go out and reistablish those things, and I'm embarrassed that sometimes I don't know how. But, I am also embarrassed that I miss it. I miss being thin. I miss feeling bones. I miss the high and the pain of hunger. Sometimes I miss the excitement of living on the brink. ... but everything is subdued... and the nostalgia is an illusion.

In other news, I've moved in with my girlfriend and best friend. We're sharing a two bedroom apartment very close to my old apartment. It's nice to still be in the same neighborhood, and it will be even nicer to pay less than half of what I was for rent! I'm so excited, I can finally get ahead. All of this comes with great family upset though, and that's really stressing me out. I get emails daily- of scriptures and reminders that I need to get out of this "destructive lifestyle"- warnings about stds, violence, oh, and hell... It hurts me deeply that my family is so blind. I'm not being destructive, I'm consistantly happy. I am happy with Alicia, I am in love with her. I am open with her and I'm dealing with life in healthy was with her. But none of it matters... because she's a girl. And regardless of what I say, she still doesn't exist to them.

There's just nothing I can do. I can't change them. I can't make them see. I am only responsible for myself and my actions... and for now I've really done everything I can.

*sniff* I miss the way things were- but I don't miss living a lie.

Well... I've rambled on enough.

Natalie, I hope your feeling better honey- I wanna chat w/ you when I see you online next. <33333 and a milliong hugs.

Megs, I'm so glad you called. I think of you everyday. Take care of yourself honey, and stay strong- I can't wait to see you when you've reached your full (healthy) potential. I'm so proud of you- you make my heart smile. I love you always.

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Tuesday, May 20th, 2003

Time:10:48 am.
I hope that this is just allergies, but I don't know how comforting that is. Allergies can last for an indefinate period of time... if this were a cold I'd give it a week or two. But I swear, if I sneeze one more time... *sigh* lol, I just realized there's really nothing I can do if I sneeze one more time that would be productive, so.. uh.. yeah. At anyrate, I have all this sinus draining crap going on which is leaving my throat, dry, and sore. My nose is running like a faucet and my poor nostrils can't take anymore tissues! PLEASE GO AWAY SOON!

Ever been up a shitcreek without a paddle? Urgh. My car... is kinda broken right now. Leah noticed it actually, she drove us home on Sunday morning from Overdrive- she said something felt funny, but I couldn't tell from the back seat, and given that I wasn't driving it's sometimes hard to notice those things anyway. But I got in my car late Sunday and realized that something was DEFINATELY wrong. My poor car would shake and barely accelerate. So I dropped it off at my mechanic last night... found out what's wrong with it this morning, and nearly passed out when I heard how much it will be to fix it. *sigh* I swear man, it's always something. Sometimes I wonder!!!!!! When will I ever be ahead of things?

So Overdrive was alright. I was a little disappointed in the turnout, but the venue was better than AZ. The three of us arrived at around 1:00. We headed up to the front door where security checked our bags (they really did a crappy job at that, i thought it would be more intense) barely patted us down and made us throw away our binkys at the door. That was the suckiest part. grr. Anyway, when I thought security would be hardcore inside, I was very surprised to see that it wasn't! Most people there were rollin, shroomin or smoking pot. No tolerance drug policy my ass. It was creepy how easy everything was there. As Ali and I sat against the back wall an older man walked up to us and asked "No dancing tonight? How are you on water?" Ali then told me that he was probably an undercover- just based on how he talked to us. eep!

Again, this was another night in which I didn't dance much. I walked around, talked to a few people but mostly just sat down. I hate that! The cool part was talking to Dragn'fly- the not so cool part was her being the first person I ran into as I peaked. hehe. She and Ali were having a conversation then "HELLO! I'm PollyPocket! I got your CD! I love it! You're so cool! *HUGHUGHUG*" er.... oops. hehe, she was cool. We talked later in the night when I wasn't so up there, and it was all good.

Dyloot is the shit. The most I danced was to his set. He had the last hour- and he did awesome trance remixes of Coldplay, Canon in D, and Take me Away. BEAUTIFUL! I felt like I was melting into the music. It was soooo awesome.

I was geared up to drive home but couldn't really do it. As I was driving on the surface streets at 20mph swerving a bit Leah took over and drove us home. *phew* That's when she noticed the car trouble - and it's when her anger started to surface. She was PISSED off at me for rolling. Ughr. I don't even wanna go into it. There was so much freakin drama yesterday. I was pissed, she was pissed, it just sucked. She was mad because I promised myself that I wouldn't roll till June and I broke it. It really turned into a lot of shit that's not neccessarily resolved. I've decided to keep my decisions about my use to myself.

My car? Well it needs a tune up and some old parts replaced. It's going to cost a pretty penny... but so is life.

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Friday, May 16th, 2003

Time:1:10 pm.
sigh... what a day.

panicking leads to hyperventalating...

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Wednesday, May 7th, 2003

Subject:fed up
Time:11:33 am.
Mood: aggravated.
This is NOT the anorexia in me:

I am fed up with my weight, my body and how I feel. Granted I have gone through recovery this last year, I have also gained too much FAT and not enough "weight". There is a difference. Fat is aquired by way too many nights of eating pints of icecream stoned off my ass.

I am concerned about my health. My cholesterol, my heart, etc. I do not want to have the habits for the rest of my life and I don't want to be 30 years old just realizing this, and with 30 pounds to lose. I honestly don't know what I weigh right now, but I'm thinking I'd like to lose a good 10 no more than 15 pounds. Or atleast look like I've lost that much (as muscle weighs more than fat) I miss the days in which I was flexible... when I walked my legs were muscle... not jello. We have all gotten lazy. I have about 6months of damage control to do... but... it's better than several years.

Wish me luck... give me advice... please? I don't know where to start... and I have to be careful not to get sucked into old BAD patterns.

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Sunday, May 4th, 2003

Subject:in trouble.
Time:11:37 pm.
my mom is gunna be so mad at me when...

mmm atleast i had fun today.
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Friday, May 2nd, 2003

Subject:so much.
Time:8:34 am.
Mood: blank.
my life is ever changing...
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Wednesday, April 30th, 2003

Time:4:48 pm.
i got an email from my friend that tonight is free scoop night at baskin robbins... that's never a good idea. -.-;

i'm im a WAY better mood... i'll tell you about it later, but for now i've got to shower! ta!
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Subject:Long Term Screwed.
Time:11:07 am.
I just took a look at my online bank account. I just got paid today.
All I can say is that this is going to be another in a long line of scraping by type months. It sucks. More than you can imagine. I used to never be so... consumed with financial worry. I don't give a fuck what people tell me... I'm pissed at my grand(mother/father/parents - not sure who) for fucking depositing that check.

It was supposed to be a gift... returned to me. I hate that they've done this. I don't see what I've done. I have ... NO MONEY. Ugh. I'm so mad I'm not making sense, but here's how it breaks down.

I got paid today, which leaves me about $50 leftover after I pay rent and minimal bills, and that's until May 15th. May 15th I get paid, but my car insurance ends May 28th. So... I know atleast $300 of that check is going to go towards car insruance, which leaves me with a piddly amount of money to last me till May 30th. My pay check May 30th is going to go to rent for the month of June... which again, will leave me about $50 left over.

Which ultimately means, I have no money to rave, no money to party, no money for 'fun stuff'... until god knows when.

What once were great plans for a camping trip and out door raving adventure now look like shit. I don't even know if I'm gunna have the cash to go to Interstate3.

so... fuck it. I'm going to fuckin crawl into a hole and not spend money by being a hermit. I won't go anywhere where I can't walk... because I don't have money for gas. I'll live I will live on top ramen alone... which may not be so bad... I could lose some weight on a top ramen diet.

So my family will bitch at me about my education. But, I don't have money for school. I don't have the grades for financial aid. I am fucking pissed off. Because I

I can't afford to NOT go... I'm throwing up again. I see calories all over everything. The only time I really eat is when I'm high. And now I can't afford drugs. I can't afford therapy. I can't maintain sanity without it. Or the other. Or I don't even fucking know.

this is my life?
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Tuesday, April 29th, 2003

Subject:na na mi na....
Time:10:19 am.
luv luv luv.... i'm bored. HELLO.
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Monday, April 28th, 2003

Time:5:04 pm.

You're Haruka! Women love you, man or not! Mew!

sex appeal

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Time:2:29 pm.
Christina Ricci
You're Christina Ricci. Beautiful.

What sexy girl are you
brought to you by Quizilla
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Subject:mmm quizilla
Time:2:27 pm.

What's your sexual appeal?
brought to you by Quizilla

You are a.. RAVER! You have a love for bright
colors, a pulsing bass, and having the best
time possible. You love to go back to your
childhood roots and just act like a kid, or
dance the night away on the dance floor. Hey,
you only live once!

The Subculture Label Quiz
brought to you by Quizilla
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Friday, April 25th, 2003

Subject:indian givers in the family.
Time:11:45 am.
Mood: crushed.
i get my car insurance thru my grandparensts.
they pay the insurance co.
i pay them.

i wrote a check for three hundred dollars in january.
i waited and waited and waited and it was never cleared.

by february i got a sort of valentines day gift.
payment for my car insurance.
a promise that the check had been destroyed.

i open my account to see three hundred dollars missing, just barely bouncing.

no word from them.

do you know why?

fuck them.
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Subject:Time to get out my HTML book...
Time:9:55 am.
Mood: crazy.
Music:something stupid ^-^.
You'd never know it now- but I used to be a computer nerd.... now I just type fast... not even that fast... no big feat.... sigh... so's my life.

Anyway... those random moments when you're stoned where you come up with some great analogy for life, or whatever. The moments of clarity? Another fell upon me last night... (and I was told this time, to stop being so smart because I forget this super smart stuff when I'm regular) Okay, we were talking about drugs, and Ali was like "Pot is my friend." ...

"Yeah! Pot is like a really good friend and E is like a fuck buddy. Like, it feels really good to get with it every once in a while... but you know what it's like when you're with your fuckbuddy too much, it just screws everything up."

No more E for a while for me...atleast till June.

*thuds head on desk* ... Okay, so it sounds stupid now... -.-; but it's true.

I think longest I ever fooled around with someone where there was no relationship was 3months. Three months or some weird number of times. And it's not like I go into sex relationships th same way I go into regular relationships. You know... 99% of the time I know I'm gunna have sex I go into it with that mindset. This is it... and I basically leave the relationship with a wanting only for more sex.

Maybe to some I'm like a drug.
Maybe with some thats why I feel abused.

Lately getting high has sucked. I start tripping out over subconcious issues. You know the shit I don't really deal with (or flat out avoid) in real life. So I'll be stoned off my ass with a pint of icecream in front of me thinking about how I should really just throw it all up, and I'll wanna talk about it but there's NO ONE for me to talk to. Because NO ONE really knows this aspect of my life. And the ones who do are completely terrified of it. So... I keep quiet. *sigh*

It's impossible for me to explain to someone what it was like for me when I was sick. You had to have been in it... or atleast you had to have seen it. I can't say "Oh, well back then I used to think..." because it just doesn't sound like it makes any sense to me let alone them. Because no one ever saw me sick, because when I was sickest, I was the best at hiding it.

So... what's scary about that? I could completely get sick again and pretty much keep it a secret. I could throw away a year of recovery and all the hard work that went towards it in a matter of a month. If I want.... If I really wanna be that skinny... If I really wanna be that fucked up... If I really wanna throw my life out the window. Believe it or not the lure of anorexia/bulimia is strong... and it tries to convince me I won't lose my life. I can have the best of both worlds.

My life... my teenage life, was so much like one of those made for tv after school special movies. All about bulimia. I was an absoloutly stereotypical bulimic. You read the warning signs? The coexisting disorders? The other 'problems' like promiscuity, drug use, whatever? I had them all. Yeah... I was anorexic - thin pretty and perfect... but bulimia was my forte, I did drugs, had sex, cut, and raged like a bulimic. Id give head for drugs, come home to puke and sleep heavy on four vicodin... Sometimes it feels like watching an old movie- I forget that it was ME who was sick and just think of her as a girl with my name. I can watch her from the outside and see the glamour in it... which is dangerous to me on the inside. Because the girl inside was suffering.

how did i survive?
what did i survive?
what was i running from?
why is it attractive again?

I know it seems like I'm talking about this a lot lately- because I am. I've been keeping silent months of these thoughts, and believe it or not, just expressing these thoughts keeps me from repeating the behavior. It's like a reminder, when I think about it, a reminder of the good (yeah, there is some good) and the bad (but theres a lot more bad) about my experience and love affair with eating disorders. If I think about it, if I talk about it, if I remember it vividly enough, I don't have to DO it.

Sorry for this pathetic, pity me, way too deep for title, entry.
I might as well take this opportunity to speak here while I can. ^^;
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