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Friday, March 4th, 2005
8:45 am
Here's the short of it:

Physiology is going well, I'll pass with a B. I'll get a B in regional studies (I hope), and a B in German.

I'm seeing a psychologist and it's sorta helping; gonna start taking antidepressants.

I'm tired all the time.

Still not eating right or exercising, even though my last post says that I had lost 2.2lbs, I'm almost certain that I've gained it back. My official weigh-in is on Monday.

I'm very tired of working at Handyman and making crap money. I think I might try to apply at the new Old Navy story that'll be right around the corner from me this summer. Hopefully they'll pay more than Handyman and will be understanding about my school hours.

I might be going to Washington DC with my brother and his orchestra as a chaperone. I think it'd be a lot of fun, I haven't been to DC since 7th grade, and Karl's trip has a lot more cool stuff planned!

Ummm...

Well, yea, I guess that's about it. My picture looks pretty bleak, but bear in mind that the only time I update is when I need to vent, so don't think that my life just sucks, cuz some of it is okay. You guys just hear about the bad stuff.

current mood: sleepy
do you carpe diem?
Monday, February 7th, 2005
7:39 pm
Starting Weight: 187.2
Current Weight: 185.0

Total Weight Loss: 2.2lbs
1 | do you carpe diem?
Wednesday, January 26th, 2005
10:48 am
Things are shitty.

I hate my stupid "you will provide the required doctor's note" Regional Studies teacher who looks like that prozac fiend Sheri Oteri played on SNL. But I love my Mommy who works for doctors and pulled some strings to get me a fake one.

I HATE that I have to take phsyiology all over again and I double HATE that I'm not getting it this time either.

I SUPER HATE that I never feel like I have time to study but I always find time to waste on other meaningless, useless things. Then, when I'm in the clutch I switch weekend shifts with someone from work so I can have the day off and then I waste it. I'm probably making my bosses mad.

I hate that my Mom caught onto my little dance and called me on it, pointing out that I'm all grown up now (bad thing #1) and that I have to deal with my life (bad thing #2) because if going to college and working at the same time were easy, everyone would do it and pass with flying colors. Obviously my only colors are the ones of mediocrity.

I hate that she's right.

I hate that I am the way I am.

And look, it's 11am, I've been asleep and wasted more time. See how perpetual this cycle is? I'm a fucking loser who disguises herself as a girl who knows what she's doing, where she's going, and how to get there but a more accurate description would be of a blind girl walking around a cemetary trying not to fall into a freshly dug grave.

Coincidentally enough that grave's tombstone would already have my name on it.

If I had a credit card and any guts at all I'd be half tempted to buy a plane ticket to Europe and just go.

current mood: depressed
current music: ^^^ oh and so much more than that
do you carpe diem?
Wednesday, January 12th, 2005
7:05 pm
I must be destined to be fat.

I think I want to move to LiveJournal, there are more options for mood icons, font color, etc.

Maybe.
1 | do you carpe diem?
Tuesday, January 11th, 2005
9:27 pm
The public library sent me to a fucking collection agency over 2 late books!!!!!!!!!!!!! Apparently (according to them) this is not the first notice I've gotten (although this IS the first I've heard of it) and I have to return the overdue books (which, by the way, I checked out for Erika's school project) and pay $40.40!!

I'm so pissed..
do you carpe diem?
Monday, January 10th, 2005
8:23 pm
What.. the.. FUCK!?

Where does she get off... ?!? Aargh!!!

Okay, explain this to me: Erika has a bedtime of 8:30p on school nights and at 8:20 mom asked her to go brush her teeth before bed. Instead, Erika sat down and started playing her gameboy, so again, mom told her to brush her teeth. Erika started crying and complained that she'd have to "go all the way upstairs" and thus wouldn't have enough time to play videogames. So, mom threw up her hands and said "FINE! Do whatever you want!" so of course, guiltily, Erika headed upstairs but mom said "No! You sit down and play your f**cking game!" You know, the usual guilt trip.

I went into the kitchen to ask mom what happened, and she said "She does this all the time, waits till the last minute then cries to get what she wants. But you know what? She's the only one around here that does what she's told to do, you and Karl suck at it."

WHAT THE FUCK?!?!??! Where the HELL did that come from?!

Who the fuck did all the laundry lately, and who the fuck cleaned Karl's bedroom today?? and who....

GOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I wish I could make bigger letters..

BITCH BITCH BITCH BITCH BITCH BITCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Can you feel the anger here?!?!

current mood: pissed off
do you carpe diem?
Sunday, January 9th, 2005
6:25 pm
I know I've been slacking on the journaling.

And the dieting.

Tomorrow is a new day though, and this week I'm going to incorporate exercising into the equation. I'm still feeling this whole new plan out and working out the kinks, so I'm not mad at myself for my mistakes. I think I might need to change my original plan of having one day a month off to having one meal a week off cuz I always seem to make it for 3 or 4 days and by day 5 I'm ready to throw in the towel, so I think if I maybe cut myself a little more slack a little more often I might have better luck. Make sense?

Here's to tomorrow.

current mood: drained
current music: tv
1 | do you carpe diem?
Thursday, January 6th, 2005
8:15 am
It's 8:15am and I'm already at school when my class doesn't even start until 12:15pm. Why, do you ask? Because getting here this early is the only way I can find a f**king parking spot, that's why!! Yesterday morning I left for my 9:45a class at 9a to make sure that I'd be able to find a spot and still get to class on time. Well guess what? It took me AN HOUR to find a parking spot (one that was on the opposite side of campus as my building) and I was 15 minutes late to class!!! Then, I had to leave campus and come back at 4 for my second class and it took me half an hour to find a spot (again, as far away as possible from where I needed to be) but this time I made it to class alright. It's so freakin' irritating.

But, I must say that I do like the solitude and silence of the library this early in the morning. In an hour this place will be buzzing with people shuffling papers, making copies, typing, printing and whispering on their cell phones. The first floor is supposed to be the only floor where one can carry a conversation, but it seems to float up to the second floor (where I am) and slowly dissipates until it's finally quiet on the fourth floor. I like the fourth floor, they've made it a nice cozy study area with big fluffy chairs with little table tops on them so you can do your work and still be comfortable. All in all I'd have to say that this is a pretty nice library; we're even going to be putting in a coffee shop on the first floor next year!

Yes, I do like the quietness of the library this morning. (There goes the first printer running off some pages for an older gentleman.)

What shall I do this early in the morning? I have about 4 hours to spare... oh yes!

Foods for January 5
- peanut butter and jelly wheat toast
- 16oz of skim milk
- turkey w/ swiss and mayo on wheat
- strawberry ff yogurt w/ cheerios mixed in
- a footlong sweet onion chicken teryaki sub on wheat

Wow, that's a lot of wheat bread and sandwiches. lol.

And, so far today I've had a bowl of Rice Krispies w/ skim milk and Splenda. (Woops! Just realized I forgot to take my medicine this morning. Oh well.)

I guess I could study physiology since I have it with me. Maybe I'll go watch the video of last class. In any case...

current mood: mellow
current music: printers
do you carpe diem?
Tuesday, January 4th, 2005
9:03 pm
First off...

Foods
- a footlong sweet onion chicken teryaki sub from Subway
- 2 100 calorie packs, one Chips Ahoy and one Oreo (I always get sweet cravings at work, so I brought those)
- ½ cucumber
- a turkey on wheat sandwich with 1tbsp mayo, onion, tomato and mustard
- water

I didn't exercise today, but I did make an effort to park as far away as possible from my destinations so I would walk more.

I slept until 10:30am this morning, then I got up to get ready for class. Physiology was okay, but then again it was only the first day.

That's about it. lol. Mom cleaned my room for me, I thought that was nice of her. :)

Umm... anything else?... nope, that's it.
do you carpe diem?
Monday, January 3rd, 2005
7:24 am
The first day back in classes was the same as usual. I wore what I thought looked the best, in this case my usual jeans, a white longsleeved shirt, and my pink woven shawl thing with brown shoes. I also wore my new pink dangly earrings. All for two classes. lol. My first class was Regional Studies: China. That seems cool, it's all about Daoism, Confuscionism, and Buddism, etc. Plus, our final exam is over a kung-fu movie. haha. My other class was German 102, and guess what? guy who turned me down for coffee is in the class again. He sat right behind me again! And I was there first, so it's not like I accidently sat by him. He talked to me just like last quarter, all friendly and stuff. Not like I expected anything different. lol Just... awkward, a lot.

I went out a bought a brand new bathroom scale today. It was pricey, but whatever. Not only does it read your weight, it also measures your body fat percentage and H2O percentage. Turns out that I have too much body fat and not enough water.

January Weigh-in: 187.4 pounds

Here is a rundown of the plan I'm going to try and follow for the year...

1. Every month I'm going to try and lose only 4 pounds, 1 pound per week. If I should happen to lose more, that's great, but I'm only trying for 4 pounds.

2. I will weigh-in on the first Monday of every month, and ONLY that one time per month.

3. I get one "Free Day" off each month to eat whatever I want, and since it takes a person eating 3500 calories above and beyond what they need to survive, I don't think I can do that much damage in one day. Also, I think that with that one day looming in the near future as something to look forward to, it'll help me stick to my healthy eating plan. I'll just keep saying to myself, "Only 2 more weeks and then I can have _______!", or "Just ____ more days!"

4. Also, each month that I meet my goal or (if I've lost more than expected in a given month) maintained my weight, I have chosen 12 things I'll receive to reward myself for the previous month's success. For example, if I manage to lose 4 pounds in January, then on the day of my weigh-in in February, I can go out and buy the $14 Aveeno face lotion I've been wanting but normally wouldn't buy for myself because it's so expensive. Make sense? Here are the rest of the rewards I've chosen for myself:
* a crystal to hang in my rearview mirror
* $20 to spend in my favorite store at the Dayton Mall
* CD or DVD of choice
* 1 new bra from Victoria's Secret (at the 20lb mark)
* nails manicured and painted
* 1 new piece of jewelry from Lane Bryant (they have great jewelry)
* new cell phone cover
* $20 at Bath&BodyWorks
* shelf-elves
* $20 to spend at Office Max (I love new pens!)
* $100 plus Christmas money to spend on brand new clothes when I reach the 45 pound mark

I know they're not stellar rewards, but they're things I've been wanting but wouldn't normally buy myself. I tried to keep all the gifts (except the bra and new clothes) at or below $20, so I'm not breaking the bank.

5. For exercising, I'm not going to schedule specific times of when or how I will exercise, I will just get up and do it when I have the time. I've discovered in the past that when I try to schedule exercise down to the minute it only discourages me rather than forcing me to exercise. The catch of not scheduling workouts, however, is that that I have to exercise 3-5 times a week, though it doesn't matter when.

6. Absolutely NO fast food (except on Free Days)! The only allowable fast food is Subway, and since they're sorta pricey, I probably won't even get that very often.

7. NO soda, not even diet (except on Free Days). Only water, iced tea with artificial sweetener and skim milk. (This is easy for me though because I'm not a huge pop drinker anyway, I mostly prefer water.)

8. NO vending machine food! That is always a downfall for me because I'm on campus for a long time, but if I force myself to pack lunches and then leave my money at home, I'll have no choice but to only eat what I brought.

9. I'm also keeping a handwritten journal of sorts. Just a spiral notebook with my resolutions written on the first page, then this plan written out on the next page. On the subsequent pages I've made a list of healthy foods to try and keep on-hand at home so I'll always have access to something good for me. I'm also making daily to-do lists so I'll always have something I "should" be doing (instead of lazing around and eating), and keeping track of what I eat and if I exercise.

10. I'M NOT COUNTING CALORIES, FAT, OR CARBS! Just making better choices and picking foods that I know are good for me.

So, that's basically my plan. I hope it'll work, so far so good.

Today I ate:
- oatmeal
- 1 banana
- 1c skim milk
- tuna salad sandwich w/ tomato and lettuce
- baby carrots
- one 100 calorie pack, Chips Ahoy
- red beans and rice (made from a Richard Simmons recipe)
- 2 mini mint Kit-Kats (okay those aren't great, but at least it wasn't a whole bar)
- lots of water

(Side Note to Tanja: If you want, I have a couple of Richard Simmons recipes that are pretty healthy, I could email them to you. What I do is I double them and then save the rest to have ready for reheating whenever I need a quick meal, but I always try to stick to portion sizes.)

I guess that's it! Lemme know what you think!

current music: Rufus Wainwright -- Grey Gardens
1 | do you carpe diem?
Saturday, January 1st, 2005
12:03 pm
So it's the new year. Only 12 hours into 2005 and I've already broken 2 of my resolutions.

What was I doing at midnight? Standing in the corner with a glass of Kahlua and milk watching 3 other couples kiss and one guy drop his pants (he wanted to enter the year with his pants around his ankles), all the while I'm thinking about what a loser I am because I'm 21 and I've never had a boyfriend to share the new year with... or anything else, for that matter. What's worse is that one of the other girls there was talking about all her MARRIED friends. Granted, she's a few years older than me, but still, that made me feel very behind in the scheme of things.

I've heard that alcohol takes one of two effects on people: it either makes you feel good, or it makes you feel depressed. I think I'm the latter. Woo hoo.

Anyway...

My resolutions for the year include:
1. stick to "lifestyle makeover" plan -- yet another feeble attempt at losing weight
2. lose 45 pounds as per "the plan"
3. regulate sleeping schedule: bed @ 10p, up @ 6am M-F
4. save at least $1000
5. grow my hair out
6. read 5 books from my book list
7. pass physiology with a "B"
8. watch less television -- only designated shows at designated times
9. be more organized
10. stop worrying about the guy factor and spend a whole year focusing on me, boys can wait until 2006 -- it's been 21 years, what will one more hurt?

Okay, enough of the melodramatic stuff.

I guess I better go get started on those resolutions.
1 | do you carpe diem?
Friday, December 24th, 2004
7:40 pm
Went out with Amy and Megan for dinner on Tuesday to celebrate the big 21! We went to T.G.I. Friday's and they told me to order anything I wanted plus one alcoholic beverage and they would cover the bill. We shared a plate of mozzarrella sticks, Megan and Amy had the cheesy-chicken-whatever-it-is, and I ordered the steak and shrimp; my beverage of choice was some fruity something-or-other with some sort of alcohol (it was the special for the night and I felt adventurous). I have a sneaking suspicion, though, that Amy didn't know about the plan to pay for my dinner and was a little shocked when her share of the bill came to $28. She's a big sweetie though and didn't say anything about it. :) Then, after reminding the waiter about a hundred times that it was my birthday with no mention whatsoever, Megan and Amy started to get frustrated and demanded the bill, but right then all the waiters came by with balloons to tie on my wrist and a 3-tier dessert for us to split. It was FANTASTIC. And I still attest that the waiter was in fact NOT flirting with me, but in actuality extremely GAY and merely admiring my necklace. LOL :) (to which, of course, Megan would reply, "Or maybe you're just very manly." HA HA HA, biotch)

After a gorging ourselves on all that meat and chocolate we all decided to tramp the mall for a while. I was not allowed to take off the balloons, and Amy kept pointing out to every single person that it was my 21st birthday. A lot of people said "Happy Birthday" but some looked at us like we had just escaped from the looney bin. I thought Amy had. :)

For my birthday/Christmas Megan bought me the Audrey Hepburn DVD collection (w/ Roman Holiday, Sabrina, and Breakfast At Tiffany's; I heart Audrey!), a notebook with Legolas on it, some paper with a fairy on it (she knows my love of school supplies lol), an Eeyore t-shirt from the Disney store and the Cranium "Zigity" card game. Amy got me the Under The Tuscan Sun soundtrack and a purse/wallet/mirror combo with Audrey Hepburn on them. They know me so well! lol.

I got Megan a book about mermaids and framed some pictures of mermaids in classic art for her, with some rhinestones hot-glued on the frame; I got Amy the Bath&BodyWorks stuff she asked me for in Moonlight Path, and I made her a fleece knot blanket for Christmas.

So anyway, the snow here is RIDICULOUS, at least by Ohio standards. My family is totally used to it since we're from "up north" -- though we're a little out of practice -- and the two feet of snow we got in less than 36 hours crippled everyone for the NEXT 24 hours. We finally got our cars dug out today and the spaces plowed. I was just glad my car actually started. lol.

Now we're just waiting for Christmas morning. We're watching our traditional Christmas movies, baking cookies, and wrapping presents.

Right now, I think I'm going to go make a gingerbread house. :)

current mood: calm
current music: "The Santa Clause" on in the livingroom
do you carpe diem?
Saturday, December 11th, 2004
8:54 pm
I don't know what I want to say, but there's something there.

Guilt.

About a couple of different things.

I feel like shit.

Time to sleep for a few dozen hours.
1 | do you carpe diem?
Tuesday, December 7th, 2004
1:30 pm - I'm no Wonderwoman, but that doesn't mean I can't try.
I know what kind of person I want to be, and I can visualize my "To Do" list very nicely in my mind, but getting there seems a bigger task than I thought it would be. It might not even be possible, though I don't think my demands on myself, or desires for myself, rather, are that outlandish. Is it too much to want to be the best I can be?

I'm starting to not like going to work. I didn't used to mind it, but I guess now that I'm on winter vacation it sucks having to do anything all besides what I want to do. Maybe it'll be better when I start classes again and work won't be the only thing I have to do anymore. Never thought I'd say that.

I've spent just about every penny I own on gifts this holiday season. And I still have to shop for Mom and Craig. I've set up an appointment at the Sears portrait studio for the four of us to have our picture taken as a family. I stll have to go over there and get some concrete prices, but I'm not expecting to spend more than a hundred dollars. There's most of this week's paycheck. And it's not the end of my shopping.

Took my measurements again today, first time since May. Nothing good to report; I think I put my measurements from May on here somewhere, too. Maybe not. Well, to sum up the results, I've gained 20lbs over the course of a year, and added on a total of about 15" on various places of my body, mostly on my stomach area with a whopping 8½" packed on. I need to lose about 35-40lbs to get into my healthy weight range. And just think, two years ago I was actually in that range and I ruined it.

Anyway, I need to get the roast out of the oven and do some cleaning before work, so I'll write again later I guess.

current mood: blank
current music: AOL Radio "New Acoustic" -- "Nui Papa" by Led Kaapana
do you carpe diem?
Monday, November 15th, 2004
6:49 pm - Figures...
So I finally get the nerve to take the initiative and ask a guy out instead of waiting for the guy to ask me out. Before tonight he and I had talked about a few things pretty freely and it seemed like there was a "connection" (for lack of a better word), so I decided to ask him for coffee after tonight's final. Well, apparently I was wrong about that "connection":

(after some general conversation about the test, etc)
Me: So, would you like to get some coffee or something with me after the final?
Him: Well, ummm.. I don't know.
(at this exact moment the stand-in-professor decides to hand out the final, i.e. no more talking among students)

And that's it! He doesn't say yes or no, or whisper or stay after the final to give an answer, NOTHING. I guess I'm not even worthy of that.

I know, I should take the part of the victim cuz he wasn't decent enough to give any kind of answer, but I still can't help feeling like I'm just not good enough.

I don't get it. It was just coffee.

current mood: rejected
1 | do you carpe diem?
Thursday, November 11th, 2004
10:14 pm
Did you know that it's Beautiful Women Month?

Written by
Audrey Hepburn

For attractive lips,
speak words of kindness.

For lovely eyes,
seek out the good in people.

For a slim figure,
share your food with the hungry.

For beautiful hair,
let a child run his/her fingers
through it once a day.

For poise,
walk with the knowledge
that you never walk alone.

People,
even more than things,
have to be restored,
renewed, revived,
reclaimed, and redeemed;
never throw out anyone.

Remember,
if you ever need a helping hand,
you will find one at the end of each of your arms.

As you grow older,
you will discover
that you have two hands;
one for helping yourself,
and the other for helping others.
do you carpe diem?
Sunday, October 31st, 2004
9:13 pm - I'm so tired of this sh*t
DON'T EVER READ THE BOOK HEART OF DARKNESS!!!!! It's stupid and practically written in sanskrit so you can't understand a damn thing the guy is talking about! Grr!

((deep breath))

I'm just so tired of all this crap I have to do, and this paper (which I won't go into describing for your own benefit) is not helping. I'm not even going to write it, I'll just talk to my instructor tomorrow and tell her I'm having a hard time with it and maybe get her to let me turn it in on Wednesday. I hope she's lenient. Besides, she hasn't even given me my first paper back yet, so how am I supposed to write another paper when I don't really know what she expects of me?

Grr! again.

I guess I could stay up a little longer and do some reading in the next book I'll have to write a paper about. I am pretty far behind on that.

current mood: frustrated
do you carpe diem?
Monday, October 18th, 2004
3:41 pm - Waiting for class time.
I'm sitting in the nursing computer lab and I feel like I don't even belong here anymore. Because I didn't pass physiology last quarter I'm about a year behind so it'll take me 5 years for a 4 year degree. It's so depressing because I feel like I'm dumb or something. I dunno, I'm just down I guess. And I'm tired and sick of school and constantly worrying about my GPA and grades and everything... I'm just tired. Everything is so mundane now, and monotonous, nothing is exciting anymore. I need something (or someone) to break things up, make them more exciting and livable. I'm just so... unamused with it all. All the movies are the same, all the days are the same and the weeks roll by without anything special to set them apart from each other. The weekends bleed into Mondays and Fridays fade into Saturdays. Nothing to look forward to, nothing exciting to remember. I look back on the last 20 years and there is nothing special to remember. Boring, unextraordinary. Nothing. I feel like
things leave my memory just as quickly as they enter. I get through one day and then forget it overnight just to wake up and start the next. I feel like a zombie only wading through the shallow waters of life. No one notices me, no one would miss me if I were gone (though I know they would). I see the people around me with things and people to look forward to, to make a difference in others lives and I can't help but feel even more unseen.

Other than the few people I can count on one hand, I don't feel like I even matter, even exist.

current mood: morose
2 | do you carpe diem?
Saturday, October 9th, 2004
8:38 pm
I guess I just haven't been in the mood to update lately.

Been working a lot, at least 24 hours/week on top of school. Doesn't leave a whole lot of time for anything else except sleep. But classes are still okay, other than English which I'm a little behind in. That's okay though, I'll catch up.

Been feeling crummy about the whole weight/no boyfriend/feeling like I'm just not wanted thing. But what do I do when I'm down about my weight? Why, I eat of course! Dumbass.

I dunno. A lot of ups and downs lately.

Gonna go to bed now, maybe next time I'm feeling something other than numb/bored/tired I'll update again.

G'night.

current mood: apathetic
do you carpe diem?
Saturday, September 18th, 2004
9:55 pm - I heart Tom Jane!
http://im1.shutterfly.com/procserv/47b4d739b3127cceb683a47596db0000001610

http://im1.shutterfly.com/procserv/47b4d739b3127cceb683a45396fd0000001610

Ooooooohhh damn...

current mood: horny
do you carpe diem?

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