02:33pm 08/12/2003
  I should have called this the Fucking Matt Yoder Journal. I was so crazy about an asshole so it turns out. Hey listen you fucking douche bag. You burned my drawings, talk shit about me like I never existed and can't even look at me in the eye. The same person who held me and loved me. FUCK YOU DICKWAD! =)

It's getting cold here.

Maybe it's just your heart.		  
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THINGS SUCK!   
09:31pm 13/10/2003
 
mood: crushed
music: evanescene-where will you go
So we broke up. It fucking sucks so much. 7 weeks! That's my longest ever. I really did love him. I don't care what he's said and done I'd still give anything to be with him and I wish he felt the same. Who knows, maybe we will get back together. I dont know. He's best friend hates me so that's not helping towards me at all. I couldn't eat and all I did was cry for like 2 days. How can a guy hurt so much. It's just a person with a penis. I don't like people so what makes him so special. I don't fucking understand.
I need to study man but I'm too fucking lazy. I drew tonight and cleaned my room. I just don't want to think. The beautiful thing about the blurty is no one reads it so I can say whatever the hell I want. I atleast think no one reads it. EH WELL! Fuck you too.
So I want to write a book. I want to do a lot of educational stuff not having to do with school. Come to think of school I have to do a science fair project but my teacher is so slow. I want to beat her in the face and she's so unattractive.
I just want to leave this place for a while. I doubt anyone would even notice. People are to busy with there lives to even think about me anyways. I like try so hard to make everyone happy and the first sign of my unhappiness that shows through it is ignored. FUCK YOU ALL! It's like I'm only good for people if they benefit. I hate people for that. They are so selfish and ugh!
I'm starting to look at cars but I don't know exactly what I want. Sentra would be nice.
Ya but the whole not working on the science fair project is pissing me off because I have to survey 60 people and I only have a month to do the whole thing. My teacher could care less. FUCKING DYKE!
Devin is so fucking annoying. I think I hate him. I don't really hate a lot of people. Maybe 2 ever. He's the reason Matt and I arent together (well I'm the reason too.) He's one of the most selfish people I know. He's an asshole who should just never touch me. He only talks to me when he asks to look at my boobs and when I say no he like hits me. FUCK YOU DEVIN!!
I'm falling apart..... I can't even speak.

I got 3 B's and the rest A's! Sucks compared to my usual all A's.

FUCK IT ALL		  
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I was right   
11:17pm 20/09/2003
  Well like I said, as soon as I say perfect, or even think it something will go bad.

I went to a concert last night: Allister, Early November, Senses Fail, Home Grown and The Starting Line. It was fun. I crowded surfed and was thrown into a moshpit where no one caught me so I feel on my back to the floor. Now, at the time it wasnt painful, but now it hurts like a mother. I got one bruise, I was so dissapointed. I wanted the crap kicked out of me. I was preparing for it.

I went to the mall today and got this hot shirt I've been wanting. I was so happy. Alexx is great but her family was pissing me off like crazy and there annoying ness.

Everyone is so full of drama lately. Christy was being mean to me tonight. I guess she was PMSing out on me or something. It wasnt very nice. Matt had a bad day and night so he wasnt talking much and didnt even say I love you. Mo is having troubles. I just can't help anyone and I hate that. I wish I could solve the problems and be the hero and save the day. I wish no one I cared about was ever sad. It can't happen though and I hate it.

I got two cds today, Taking Back Sunday and Smile Empty Soul. It makes me happy =)

But ya... I feel kind of useless. Like I dont matter. I care to much about everyone else but when I talk or complain its like it doesnt even matter that I'm saying any words. I wish I could still help even if no one would help me.

People are so pessimistic. What good does it do. All it does is make you feel worse then you already did. It accomplishes nothing but bad. I mean really. If your stuck in a mind frame where everything sucks it will. Your pyschological thoughts affect your physical actions. If you keep thinking things are the worse they will stay that way, you make them that way, not on purpose but if thats the way you see things that is the way they will appear. I try to be optimistic. Its hard sometimes though b/c people will bring me down. I try to remind them to be happy and I try to make it that way but when they still feel like shit I feel like a failure...

I'm sorry guys, feel better.		  
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06:57pm 16/09/2003
 
mood: sick
I know as soon as I say everything is perfect something will fuck up. Maybe this time I can stay happy for a while. Well he said it. The three words, on Sunday while I was locked in his arms, "I love you."I honestly think he does. I love him so much. I wish I could spend all my life with him. All my time. I have people I need to please though. I got to be everyones best friend. I dont mind though, I love people. Well people I like anyways, obviously. I dont like a lot of people though, especially ignorant people. There isnt anything I cant stand more then that. I want to murder them all. Chop them all up in little pieces and feed them to old people who will then die as well because I hate old people too. Freakin smelly and bad drivers. I want to beat them with a spiked club. I'm so violent today. I think its PMS talking. I'm sick in general though. I have a runny nose and a fever. My dad wont let me go to school tomorrow if I'm not feeling better. I hate missing school though. I miss so much work its annoying. I wish the world would stop for me, but alas, it doesnt so I have to suck it up. Stupid honors classes. They can bite me. I got 2 100's today though so I'm proud and a B on a quiz in Henrys and I usually get like F's haha. My brothers turning 18 this Sunday. It's so weird. I mean Ive seen him grow up and now he isnt a kid anymore. It's sad really. I think I might cry unless I'm over my period then I'll just tell him to buy cigarettes for the hell of it. I still need to get him something. In pther recent news, I'm going to a concert in Orlando Friday night and staying over night at Mary's house who lives there. Her house is so pretty. I wouldnt doubt it though shes like a billionare. hmmm AIM isnt working I wonder why?. Oh freakin well. No one was on that I care about anyways. I only talk to like 10 people online and have like 200 people. I wrote Matt a sappy note today. He'll probably think I'm some freak whos like obsessed with him when he reads it. I'm still thinking whether to go to church or not... ok I'm not haha. They are just doing karaoke anyways. LAME. I go to church for chuch now. Suprisingly I use to go to have some fun but thats not me anymore. I've changed so much in some ways. I mean I'm still me but I can keep relationships, maybe thats just because its Matt and I really do love him, or maybe I dont know I was dumb before, or a mixture of both. I also can be serious if I want. I use to be so immature and always goofed around. I mean I still do that because goofing around is just fun, but I know I can be serious and more mature if the time calls for it. So yes, I'm gone.		  
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::sticks out tongue::   
07:02pm 12/09/2003
  Sometimes I just dont know. You dont speak when I say things. I expect words and get silence. I dont know if it's good or bad. I just wish I could read your mind sometimes. My parents fucking piss me off. They were like yelling at me because I was tired and confusing and then they call me up saying its b/c they love me and I asnt being myself. Sorry I'm fucking tired. I come home from school and do oyur stupid ass shit. I clean the house, do the laundry and whatever else. It's not like our house needs it anyways, you could eat off the toliet or have a baby in the trash can.

So I'm going to Sarahs tonight and tomorrow Orlando to film Cross Country. Then home at around 11ish and maybe seeing Matt. I get so nervous with him. I want to trust him that he wont hurt me but so far all his second thoughts and some of the things he say are hurtful. I want to know it will work. I'm really scared too love him and get hurt. Coincidently so is he. I hope Sarahs isnt bad but I can only see a bunch of boring because I dont know she'll be tired after practice. I miss hanging out with her. We use to have such great times. Her and me pooping and peeing on slides. HAHA We were nasty little chillings.

I hope tonight turns out good. I miss Matt. I bet he doesnt feel the same. I dont even know. Sometimes it seems better then others. Is it normal? I just dont know how to react to his silence sometimes. I mean hes not always that way. He can say the most beautiful words. They make me tear but on the other hand I could say something and then hed be quiet and change the subject. Maybe its because I leave him speechless. He told me I did. So many I do.		  
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