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[20 Jan 2005|04:33pm] 2 made it shine for everyone| take the moon?

I'm a winner [12 Dec 2004|09:46pm] [ music | Joseph Arthur ] Since I was just reading this, I figured I'd leave a mark. And I've posted too many quizzes in LJ. Whats does your personality rate from 1-10? by morning_prayer Your first full name Your personality rates a ten! your best quality is youre intelligent your worst quality is you want what you cant have this is because its genetic Quiz created with MemeGen! 4 made it shine for everyone| take the moon?

[23 Nov 2004|04:58pm] I'm on a quest to find some new journals to read. Meaning people should migrate to LJ. I'm sick of feeling like the only one so open with stuff. 3 made it shine for everyone| take the moon?

[12 Oct 2004|10:28pm] [ mood | calm ] [ music | the Notwist, the Arcade Fire ] post your thoughts on this question: just because you have a personal belief, should you blindly believe it is going to happen? for example, if you're a red sox fan, should you believe the red sox will win? if you are a fan of John Kerry, is it wrong to recognize George Bush has a better shot of winning? I for one feel that there's nothing to be gained about being blind to anything. Realism just might hurt. Deal with it. Your thoughts? 10 made it shine for everyone| take the moon?

[04 Oct 2004|07:47pm] [ mood | tired ] [ music | Limbeck ] yeah. i'm alive and well. and my thoughts are in other places, with people near and far. people continue to be petty and immature (bailin alexander, you creep me out) and yet the world still goes on. not surprised. i'm sure that if you are on that good need to know basis thing, you either talk to me, or just know. i hate seeing bad things happen to my friends, and it's worse when it brings back bad memories of mine. and having to lie when asked about the concept of "good girlfriend" i mean, everything ends. so you'll never be happy at the end. it's all about the beginning and middle. i guess these events made me doubt someone else, plus made me doubt the girl who was involved with my friend. in fact...i don't see how they were together in the first place, or why i was so nice to her. some people might not be worth your time after all. 41 made it shine for everyone| take the moon?

You Kiss Me and Diss Me... [15 Sep 2004|06:24pm] [ mood | amused ] [ music | Homegrown, G Love ] Ask me 6 questions. Any six, no matter how personal, private or random. I have to answer them honestly. In turn, you must post this message in your own journal. 11 made it shine for everyone| take the moon?

fuckles!!! [10 Sep 2004|08:21pm] for some reason, my other journal was suspended. somehow, i knew this would happen. which is why i'm glad i copied almost all my entries (except the latest three or so) into a word document. i'm gonna e-mail these fuckers and ask them why. 1 made it shine for everyone| take the moon?

**insert lyric that only has meaning to me here** [21 May 2004|06:31pm] [ mood | crushed ] [ music | coldplay-a whisper, bright eyes-if winter ends ] the title of this journal finally seems appropriate. i've come to the conclusion that too many things i write in here are grossly misconstrewed. as a old friend of mine once said, "despite what i write in here, i'm generally a happy person". and i think that applies to me too. although many people wouldn't agree. the point is, i'm tired of this inhibiting communication instead of sparking it. i find it funny that if what i write in here had a catchy beat, i'd be a musical genius or at least my thoughts would be respected. but, i think this is me signing off for the last time. maybe i'll reappear somewhere. but maybe you won't notice. i hope you don't actually. this concept is now officially sour to me, not because of people jumping on the trend, but because of the damage that this is doing to my life. will i keep this for posterity? maybe. so if you really want to know about my life, maybe you should try to be more involved in it. i think i'm going to end with that lyric that as someone said to me today "everyone skips over anyways". today's events discourage me from calling anyone a friend, an enemy, an anything, so i won't even do that. this song makes me realize how things end and begin the same way sometimes. i started this journal because of this song, and now i end because of its message. i guess you really can't avoid the inevitable. And I hide behind these books I read While scribbling my poetry Like art could save a wretch like me With some ideal ideology That no one could hope to achieve And I'm never real, it's just a sketch of me And everything I’ve made is trite and cheap and a waste Of paint Of tape Of time--bright eyes "waste of paint" 3 made it shine for everyone| take the moon?

i'll sit and wonder of every love that could've been [17 May 2004|09:25pm] [ mood | restless ] [ music | Death Cab for Cutie-Transatlanticism ] I feel like firecrackers are going off in my fingertips, and there are vice grips pinning my wrists to an imaginary plane. This is the tension, the anxiety that results from not being able to express anything worth more than a quick glance. I have spent the last hour typing and erasing, in a futile attempt to tell someone just why this happens, and then for it to happen again. This is no blessing, it's a curse. It's a curse to wake up one day and realize that you're not going to always have the chance to fuck around, to make a mistake and be able to fix it. you're not always going to have the luxury of seeing the people you care about every day. you might not even have that luxury at all. i'm sick of taking stuff for granted. i'm sorry for holding back, and i know all i'm going to do after this is hold back some more, and let whatever this is just sit, rotting away at my insides. So what do I want to say? I'm not exactly sure if there are words that I know for this power. I know it concerns this indescribable feeling of defeat that comes when that moment slips by without making an imprint on it. and that imprint is important. it's the alkaline kiss on the back of your hand, it's the tattoo that scars leave across a body that's seen better and blanker days. it's the bruise from a battle well-fought. i need some more of these things. figuratively, i kind of need to be pushed into oncoming traffic. i need that reminder of the fragility of human life. i need to be reminded that the present is infinitely more special than i can imagine, and most of all, i need to stop fucking lying to myself about all the people in it. i love you. and i'm sorry i couldn't tell you how bad this hurts more poetically or eloquently, but this hurts. and i love you. and i just can't care anymore about the future, because i'm not in control of it. i can't make anything great, just by wanting to. i can't do that, because everyone has their own idea of what that is. and a lot of that is just another sign of why the present should be appreciated. wake up in the morning, and realize that what you have today may not be waiting for you this time tomorrow. i don't know what to fix, or how to fix it. i know that i can't sit idly by, watching things that i've loved and still love slip into what seems like another dimension. that's what i'm so sick right now, because i'm just not doing what i need to be doing. if i'd only thought of something charming to say... 2 made it shine for everyone| take the moon?

[12 May 2004|10:03pm] the community for BHS surveys is accident_prone i need someone who knows command prompts to teach me, so i can make it a members-only community. until then, you can just join. i guess. but i might kick you out once i get knowledge because i'm cool like that. but probably not. 8 made it shine for everyone| take the moon?

i started this last night, then got busy and ditched. here's trial #2 [10 May 2004|07:30pm] [ music | The Early November, Autopilot Off ] but first, i'd like to pose a question: would people be interested in a community devoted to bhs kids and their slightly lame surveys? i know i would. leave one if you want a community like that. Time Started- 7:32 Date- 5/10/04 ALL ABOUT YOU First Name- Daniel Middle Name- Ryan Last Name- McBee Age- 15 Sex- Male Location- Burlington, Vermont Phone Number- 867-5309. my name is jenny. i'm a tommy tutone song. i <3 the 80's way too much. Type of House- Gray ranch with maroon shutters, i think. it used to be blue with black shutters. SCHOOL Name- this week, Burlington International High School. usually, it's that minus the crappy International. School Colors- Blue And White Mascot- Seahorse Population- 1080 is a ballpark figure i've heard. Principal- Amy Mellencamp Favorite Subject- History or Math Favorite Teachers- elementary school-larson. middle school-mr. fisher. last year-mr. williams. this year, either obbagy or strouse. Sports Played- track, soccer. -basketball team- would win if they didn't try to dunk. morons. -football team- would win if they stopped scratching and groping and started tackling. and laid off the weed. -dance team- anatomy of the dance team: 1/4 preppy bitches, 1/4 fat dirtbags, 1/4 skinny dirtbags, 1/5 ex-cheerleaders, the remaining people may or may not be decent human beings. -golf team- hubcap so calls the clubhouse "the batcave" -swim team- well, if we had one, we'd win. because kate hillyard and her crew know how to fuck 'em up. seriously, this girl should not be messed with in any sort of aquatic situation. Are you involved in any clubs?- spanish? What crowd are you in? {Ex: Popular, Prep, Pothead, Goth, Punk, SKater}- i dress preppyish, i listen to punkish bands, and i'm friends with popular kids. so i guess none of the above. we're sort of the overachieving slackers. Do you get along with other crowds?- yeah usually. How often do you get detention?- not since 6th grade Iss?- nope OSS?- nope FAMILY Moms: yes, one. -name- Anne age: mid 40's? -birthday- march 5 -location- Burlington -job- Assistant director of Chittenden county PATH, whatever that means. human services. -income- more that what i make. seriously, who needs to know? this question is one of the world's downfalls. that, and crystal pepsi. Dads: 1 -name- Dennis -age- 49 on thursday -birthday- May 13 -location- Burlington -job- Drug counselor -income- once again, more than me Siblings Names and Ages: Michael-the kid who is rumored to have done gross things with "Claire the problem child"-12 Do you like your family?- yeah for the most part Do you get along with your family?- we're all sort of detached and inaminate, but i kinda like it that way Whos your favorite family member- i know it's cliche, but i dont have one. What are your grandparents names and ages?- well, on my mom's side, the people i consider grandparents are felix and jean, i don't know their ages. How many cousins do you have?-maybe like 8 How many aunts and uncles do you have?- 10 by blood, maybe three more by marriage. Do you wish death to anyone in your family?- uh, no. friends- exist. Girl Best Friends- Cecelia and Callie Guy Best Friends- Keith, Jared, Noah WHICH FRIEND IS: <------friends! -smartest- Callie -sexiest- well, keith is everyone else's big crush, so he might as well be mine. oh wait, no. -funniest- Noah is on the ball the most, but when Jared's there, it's downright side-splitting. -most laid back- Jared -sweetest- Callie, and Keith's the sweet one to the ladies. -caring- Cecelia -pretty- hmm...either Cecelia or Liz F. -has the coolest parents- Amelia's mom and Jared's mom are both great to me moreso than any other parent, but i think jared's mom wins because i see more of her. -best dressed- well, alex probably dresses up for school the most. but amelia has got a bit of a fashionable flair, it's called individuality. check it. -biggest pothead- whoa sam...look at all the stars! -dorkiest- Sean Devarney, you and your LOTR figures win. -most likely to be gay/lesbian- Nick, because he always says everything is gay and gives many men hugs and massages and molestations. -has the most siblings- i can't think of any friends with more than 2 siblings. -loves money- hmm....me? because i'm more broke than most people usually are, but that's because i'm lazy. -most happy- Jared -wants a cow- Callie, to feed her obsession from middle school that i seem to remember. she was a cool cool kid. -knows everyting about you- Cecelia or Keith are closest -wants to know everything about you- no one, and i like it that way. -follows you- no one. -ignores you- no one really. -most self centered- Noah, but it's funnier that way. -lowest self esteem- Robbie -most confidence- Keith -flirty- Noah -still watches cartoons too much – Amelia -hates people – Keith -would go goth - jason went. he wins. FAVORITES Song- whatever i'm listening to. Car- old volvo wagons or saab hatchbacks. Poem- something dark, like by bukowski. Friend- anyone who has sang SoCo with me, talked until midnight or later, or anyone i've spent one of those moments with where i wanted to photograph it and hang it on the wall so i could always look at it and smile. Food- pasta, everyone loves an italian boy. or mint chocolate chip ice cream. or lucky charms Drink- skim milk Band- anything that involves fire, romance, flying, crying or a day of the week. Animal- Doggie! Tv Show- O.C. Movie- uh...no favorites? i never have seen a movie enough times to call it a favorite. Soap Opera- life Game Show- Jeopardy. Comedian- jared yanofsky. Actress- Hilary Duff. no, wait. Meg Ryan. she brings the tears. no, wait. Rachel Bilson from the O.C. jesus i dont know. Actor- Adam Brody or Chris farley. Metal- the shiny kind. Fast Food Place- burger king Tool- keith. or screwdriver Furniture – futon Number- 8 Letter- M World Event- the invention of gatorade. Commandment- the 11th: thou shalt not wig out (i was a gullible child) HAVE YOU EVER Smoked- no. Been Drunk- uh...maybe? sort of? Been High- no Rolled Down a Hill- yeah Fell Out of A chair- many times Broke into a building- uh...my house when i get locked out. Been Arrested- nope Stole a car- i can barely drive one Lied- only to your mom! yes. Cheated on a Game- uh...no, i just make up the rules as i go. Cheated on your B/f or g/f- no, that's too low even for me. Had a Job- not really. murdered someone- there's always tomorrow. been in a fist fight- not since 6th grade been beat up- not since the summer before 6th grade Been Bitch slapped- i've been slapped once in my life, after proclaiming that it was strange i had never been slapped. thank you thanh. Thrown a party-actually, no... Ate a muffin- yes. many flavors. Killed an animal- i fed a toad to a snake. and cried. Ran something over- a toad with the lawnmower Flicked someone off- sure. Been Cow Tippin- there's always this summer. Been Pregnant- six times. i'll show my stretchy marks. RANDOM Do you like cows- yes. If you had to go to an island what and who would you take with you?- a boat and lots of gasoline so i could get my sorry ass off the island. and my collection of cd's, a device to play them. and paper and pens. If you had 3 wishes what would they be?- 1) make a constitutional amendment against republican presidents 2) bomb a country back to the stone age, like estonia (a pun?) 3) i could control how long everything lived. If you had a million dollars what would you spend it on?- bail money and lawyers. and i'd rig an election. and buy about 500 cds. Who do you hate?- the list is too long and i'm not mean enough to publicly disclose those names. Do you have any diseases- no, that's my pickup line "i'm disease free, baby" What were your first words- more, i was a fat kid at heart. can you count to ten?- on a good day. Are you racist?- i <3 azn! Are you judgemental- yes, i guess Do you like squirrels- nope, those dirty motherfuckers What do you think of the word 'motherfucker'?- i think it's a great word. Say your ABC's- **done** Can you say them backwards- on my second try. Has your house ever burned down? no, only in my daydreams that i frequently have Did you cause it?- no How?- no Do you get ur looks from your mama?- i dont think so Are you spoiled- no LOVE LIFE Are you straight?- yes Do you have a crush, bf, or gf?- girlfriend What is thier name? : nell What do you like about them?- just about everything Do you want to marry them- sorry...no. How long have you known them- maybe 5 months How long have you liked them- maybe 3-4 months Do you believe in love at first sight?- nope how about second sight?- more likely, but still no Are you confident with ur 'special person'- yeah definitely Can you tell them anything- most things about them, and most things about everything else What would you do without them- uh...other stuff? in the words of modest mouse, float on. 8 made it shine for everyone| take the moon?

too many sensations now for a good feeling [09 May 2004|09:04pm] [ mood | impressed ] [ music | the pale, denali, the flaming lips, the beatles, piebald ] i'm not really sure how to describe the philosophy i've been in the mood to spout. probably because the only way i can express it is when i'm debating/arguing/lecturing someone, not in a format where i'm talking to myself. but it's been there. i guess i've realized that nothing stays, nothing stays perfect, nothing stays negative, things change regardless of how they were before. i've realized a few things about individuality, and respect. namely, how it really doesn't exist in high school. i mean, the main reason people get defensive over things such as wearing the same outfit as someone else or listening to the same band or having the same car or guitar or anything has to do with respect and individuality. if people truly aren't that different than each other on the inside, our individuality is found in our material possessions and tastes. and when someone who you don't respect/doesn't respect you like you think they should (the two obviously go hand in hand) then you feel like they aren't deserving of what you're doing, what you're liking. that is why i think people get catty and bitchy and possessive. it has nothing to do with having a low self-esteem or a high-self esteem, and everything to do with wanting to be yourself, and not getting the respect or giving the respect that is deserved. otherwise, people wouldn't feel okay about sharing anything material. i wonder if it's always going to be the trivial things that separate us from each other, both in terms of individuality and in conflict. i'll find out someday. the last week has been a time where thinking in this sort of manner has been commonplace. there have been many meaningless, mindless tasks to complete in preparation for the most mindless task of them all: finals. i mean, monkeys can memorize, and so can i. but i like it that way. anyways, when everyone's so caught up in the shuffle, one can only contain themself. i guess deep thought leads one away from impulsive decisions, which i almost made some of this week. i don't know what thinking about them meant, and i know that with time, it won't be such an impulsive thing to think about. i'm not excited for next week because of the thing i was talking about in the above paragraph: i suddenly feel possessive. and i don't see that as a bad thing, i see that as me not always being respected. i guess it's part of the bigger struggle of things changing and morphing into a sense of not being able to be expressive with so many people you used to be, and expression is a key to having a friendship. so basically, the trivial things in life can be attributed to losing connection and losing touch. what i want right now is an opportuinity to tell people things. a place that's risk-free. and not intimidating. i want time right now with people that i haven't had time for recently, and time for people that i haven't been around in a long time. i want to tie up a few loose ends before all the other knots unravel. when i get to the bottom i go back to the top of the slide, where i stop and i turn and i go for a ride, 'til i get to the bottom and i see you again--Helter Skelter 1 made it shine for everyone| take the moon?

surveys are not cures for boredom... [07 May 2004|09:09pm] movie you rented = School of Rock? movie you bought = I don't think I own any movies, personally. song you listened to = Jawbreaker-Sluttering (May 4) song that was stuck in your head = The Get Up Kids-Valentine cd you bought = Anatomy of a Ghost-Evanesce cd you listened to = Bayside-Sirens and Condolences person you called = My dad person who called you = Nell tv show you watched = Friends thing you were thinking about = where my friends are, and why i'm not with them DO... you have a crush on someone = millions you wish you could live somewhere else = no, i love it here for the most part others find you attractive = some people do you want more piercings = not especially, i'd consider them you like cleaning = indoor cleaning is a lot better than many things you like roller coasters = yeah i'm generally a fan you write in cursive or print = print long distance relationships = not in that way, i think they're ridiculous for most people at any age. YOUR OPINION ON... using someone = it's not necessarily bad, but should be consciously avoided killing people = i do not believe in murder, the death penalty, and most of the wars that have been fought in history. teenage smoking = if you don't think you have better things to do, you're wrong. driving drunk = sounds pretty dumb to me. soap operas = what a waste of a perfectly good afternoon. HAVE YOU... ever cried over a boy/girl =umm...it's more likely that i have over a friend than relationship stuff. ever lied to someone = oh about every day, whether i think about it or not ever been in a fist fight = not for a few years ever been arrested = no WHAT... shampoo do you use = Garnier Fructis, just like Noah shoes do you wear = including old shoes that i wear sometimes, i own a pair of: saucony, puma, asics, adidas are you scared of = alone in the dark, not having a purpose or a task NUMBER... of times I have been in love? = the more you reflect on love, the more you doubt that you have been in it. probably zero. of times I have had my heart broken? = about 5 of hearts I have broken? = i don't know. maybe around 5 as well? of times my name has appeared in the newspaper? = a few dozen of scars on my body? = 10-15 of things in my past that I regret? = 2.9 x 10^66 DO YOU THINK YOU ARE... funny = usually hot = not especially friendly = not usually amusing = very loveable = if I let you know me, yes. caring = yeah i try, don't know what other people think though sweet = meh i try. dorky = yeah, but not worse than my close friends. PERSON WHO LAST... slept in your bed = me, or saddam. saw you cry = i cry when no one's looking. made you cry = seth cohen from the OC? you went to the movies with = nell yelled at you = will sent you an email = my spanish penpal from harwood, kristin HAVE YOU EVER... said "I love you" and meant it = yes definitely gone out in public in your pajamas = one time i wore pajamas to school on accident kept a secret from everyone = not real successfully cried during a movie = movie? not since the days of Disney. planned your week based on the TV Guide = i don't have TV guide. been on stage = yes, and i'm fabulous! been to New York = yes, last time was a couple months ago been to California = no been to Hawaii = no been to Japan = no been to Canada = only to Toronto for a week, and Montreal for a day been to Europe = no been to Asia = no been down South = not really what time is it now = 9:27 apples or bananas = in taste they are even, but with compatibility and fragility factored in, apples win. blue or red = blue walmart or target = whereever i can play "I spy a mullet" more readily. spring or fall = spring What are you gonna do after you finish this = feel sorry for myself what was the last meal you ate = dinner are you bored = yeah last noise you heard = my thumb cracking last smell you sniffed = cool blue gatorade FRIENDSHIP AND LOVE... do you believe in love at first sight = nope do you want children one day & if so, how many = uh...children...no. most important thing to you in a friendship is = communication OTHER INFO... criminal record = nope do you speak any other languages = getting better with spanish last book you read = Fight Club. Holy shit it was awesome. name some of your favorite things in your bedroom = stereo, bed, wall of band pictures, photo album, clothes, the sense of familiarity and calm. who you love = a somewhat elite group of friends that numbers somewhere between 3 and 6, my parents. who you miss = well, the way my life is right now, everyone that i consider a friend, or have considered a friend over the last year or so. because constants aren't constant anymore. 1 made it shine for everyone| take the moon?

we're nothing short of invincible. [02 May 2004|02:03pm] [ mood | pensive ] [ music | cursive, underoath, moneen, the jealous sound ] i think it's funny how it's always the stupid things that frustrate me the most. i think maybe it's like that for the world in general. how people can somehow find a way to ignore all those huge atrocities happening in the world, but a crappy assignment or a long day and suddenly it's a travesty? i'm only saying this because i've been flipped out recently over some dumb stuff, and some important stuff. and i guess it's normal to care about the not-so-meaningful stuff, because at least you feel like you can have some jurisdiction over it. but being angry and trying to persevere through an assignment that a teacher totally botches...just isn't worth it i guess. so i guess the question is, where have i been recently? i wish i could tell you. i mean, i know what i've been doing, but none of it really seemed all that real. i guess i realized how small my horizons have become...and then i realized that it's just another change. another sunset. i don't want to be so confined. i feel like a caged animal. i can't break free. i can't express what i want anymore. i'm not even sure what i want. everything is shifting, changing...and some of us are getting tossed over the edge of the ship. and who's going to keep dragging people back into the boat if we're all swimming and sinking? i'm sick of this unclear metaphor, i'm sick of feeling like i'm losing, and struggling. maybe it's the fact that there is no spotlight. but there's that feeling where so many people you called friends have simply moved on. and you wonder, whether they are better things or bigger things or if there's anything at all, and have they noticed that you're not there, and should you even be noticing this at all? i'm sick of not knowing the answers to these questions. but i'm more sick of having to ask them. i'm sick of feeling...like suddenly i'm the mean one. does it look that way? i don't know when or why or how that happened. most of all...i miss the attention, i miss having my opinion matter, i miss knowing that i'd be missed by more than the people i could count on one or two hands if i just stopped showing up to much of anything. 5 made it shine for everyone| take the moon?

this soundtrack is way too much fucking fun. [26 Apr 2004|09:05pm] you know what? i know enough songs, and i'm cool enough for two movies. maybe even seven. so from now on, my only blurty entries are going to be in this format (not really). i'm not going to repeat songs, just bands. Opening credits: Cursive-Some Red Handed Sleight of Hand Waking up: The Ataris-1-15-96 Average day: Brand New-Failure by Design First date: The Early November-Make it Happen Falling in love: The Format-On Your Porch Love scene: The Cure-Why Can't I Be You? Fight scene: Boysnightout-This Broken Killswitch Breaking up: Further Seems Forever-Wearing Thin Getting back together: The Jealous Sound-Recovery Room Secret love: Copeland-Brightest Life's okay: Hey Mercedes-Our Weekend Starts on Wednesday Mental breakdown: Alkaline Trio-We've Had Enough Driving: The Get Up Kids-Out of Reach Learning a lesson: Armor for Sleep-Kind of Perfect Deep thought: Straylight Run-It's for the Best Flashback: The All American Rejects-Why Worry Partying: Something Corporate-I Woke Up In a Car Happy dance: The Postal Service-Such Great Heights Regretting: Jimmy Eat World-Cautioners Long night alone: Saves the Day-Freakish Death scene: Thursday-Steps Ascending Closing credits: Death Cab for Cutie-A Movie Script Ending 2 made it shine for everyone| take the moon?

My Life: The Soundtrack [25 Apr 2004|07:39pm] Opening credits: Death Cab for Cutie-The New Year Waking up: Armor for Sleep-Dream to Make-Believe Average day: Jawbreaker-Accident Prone First date: Jimmy Eat World-Crush Falling in love: Mae-Embers and Envelopes Love scene: Sunny Day Real Estate-Seven Fight scene: The Blood Brothers-Burn Piano Island, Burn Breaking up: Taking Back Sunday-Your Own Disaster Getting back together: The Rocket Summer-Skies so Blue Secret love: Yellowcard-Rocket Life's okay: Thursday-A Hole in the World Mental breakdown: Cursive-The Great Decay Driving: Hopesfall-Andromeda Learning a lesson: The Get Up Kids-Overdue Deep thought: Bright Eyes-Make War Flashback: The Cure-Pictures of You Partying: The Faint-Agenda Suicide Happy dance: The Format-The First Single Regreting: The Ataris-San Dimas High School Football Rules Long night alone: Elliott Smith-Waltz #2 Death scene: Joy Division-Love Will Tear Us Apart Closing credits: Brand New-Soco Amaretto Lime 4 made it shine for everyone| take the moon?

la la la la life goes on [22 Apr 2004|11:32pm] [ mood | tired ] [ music | the beatles-white album ] i've spent the last hour or two exploring the life of many seniors on open diary, they include SK, emma mcgowan, dan ploof, marcus tracy, brian boucher, and a girl that TA's in the english class before mine. and i'm not done looking yet. this is so intriguing. it makes me feel like drama is normal, and that i'm...well these people are approachable. and human. and sometimes, come off ignorant and stupid and silly and that's okay because we all do. i guess there's a lesson in that. it's also weird to see how someone that is as scary and unapproachable to me as emma mcgowan was not only a freshman...but has gone through just as much change as everyone else. no one's ever truly comfortable. and everyone's a voyeurist, they're watching you watch me watch you right now. the dead poetic show was pretty mediocre. but at least we know the pits love jesus. today is the first day my ears haven't been ringing. the track meet tuesday went way too long. i improved from last time, but i still had a shitty-ass race. 5:03:80 in the 1500. meh. i skipped practice today and yesterday. it's hard to get excited about going to track when you have so few friends on the team, and it's vacation. i got a job application for hannafords. between that and meeting with someone at the bank by myself, i felt really grown up. i hate feeling grown up. cooking made me feel grown up. but that was a good feeling, because it wasn't entirely for me. i hate stumbling onto things, i hate being shown things or told things that i just don't want to know about. but at the same time...it's just nice to observe the world instead of partaking in it for once. this vacation has been fairly uneventful, but full of events. if that makes sense. i guess i'm waiting for that heaven that i can't quite sustain. and that's a hard thing to live with. not knowing how close you are. 6 made it shine for everyone| take the moon?

I will never sleep again, i'll never even close my eyes [17 Apr 2004|04:25pm] [ mood | mellow ] [ music | anatomy of a ghost ] well, it's been one hell of a week. i saw a great fucking concert two nights in a row, and i honestly don't care about any of the social crap that happened there anymore. seeing thursday for the first time was pretty damn powerful. meeting geoff after the show was so incredibly cool, he seemed really down-to earth and like he appreciates his fans a lot. spitalfield was really good live, engine down was pretty good and PTW was good one night. but if you care, then you were probably at the show. so whatever. my first race ever was the night after the 2nd concert. so i had about 11 hours of sleep the last two nights combined. and i ran the 3000m in 11:13:56. which isn't too bad, i think. 6th place out of ten is decent. interlandi seemed happy, and i passed a kid by sprinting the last straightaway. i don't even know why i'm writing, except to keep people informed. but you all must already know this stuff. the real stuff that matters is the stuff like friday night. learning how to start fires, why it isn't good to call me a metrosexual, why it isn't good to spray kids with pam, and why party crashers can suck, even when their friends are welcome. this week should be good, i just hope that at the end of it...i'll be able to talk to all of you about it. some shit's been weighing on my mind...and i gotta find out what direction i'm taking it all in. so basically, a lot happened this week, but it's not coming out here because...that's just not where it belongs. 9 made it shine for everyone| take the moon?

I'm never gonna know you now, but I'm gonna love you anyhow [11 Apr 2004|09:48pm] [ mood | peaceful & downcast ] [ music | murder by death, elliott, elliott smith ] i've come to the conclusion that for all intensive purposes, (whatever that means) holidays suck. i know i'm going to take a lot of crap for saying that. but, let me go through the year. new years is always kind of depressing because of what it symbolizes: leaving behind stuff. valentines day is also usually depressing unless you ignore it, which is what i've chosen to do the last couple years. saint patrick's day isn't that great because i'm only pseudo-irish. april fools' day sucks because i'm kinda gullible. my birthday sucks because no one is ever around, and i'm too shy to ask people to hang out on my birthday, i rarely get nice surprises. i think last year's birthday takes the cake for the worst though. halloween isn't that great because all i can do is eat the candy i'm supposed to be giving out. thanksgiving has lots of great food, but then you stop and realize you're celebrating something that turned into betrayal, it's like celebrating a wedding anniversary after you've gotten a divorce. christmas is okay because it means lots of time off of school, but i don't even care about decorating things or even about opening things all that much. my favorite part of christmas is shopping for my family. so basically, i'm going to ignore all holidays when i get older, which will be okay because it's not like i'm going to have a family anyways. **end rant** anyways, the last week or so...well i've just sort of existed. not particularly well. but i've made it. school is school, the grades are good but it's not like that matters much. my parents went apeshit on my brother after he got a C. i feel bad, because if it wasn't for me, they'd be okay with a C. but at the same time, my brother's idiotic friends are always dirtbagging around my house, calling at 10:30 PM and 8:30 AM. i don't think people beat their children enough, or teach them manners. or maybe both. although i wasn't beaten, and i don't generally call after 9ish. my parents have been on edge a little more than normal this week. i think my dad's getting sicker, he's freaking out about having to go on insulin. whenever someone in my house has a health problem, my parents fight. so that's just fun. my godmother moved out of her apartment this week, and she lived there for here entire life. if that makes me sad, then she's gotta have it a million times worse. there's nothing i can do or say...so i'll just let it go. it's weird though, because i can remember doing a million things in that apartment, i've probably spent just as much time there as i have at my own house. well, maybe not exactly, but besides my house, i've probably spent more time there than anywhere. i played wiffle ball in the backyard, played board games in the living room, ping pong in the basement, ran up and down the street thousands of times, walked to the corner store and dairy queen in the summer, thrown many temper tantrums, and it was just...well i guess i just have a deep connection to the place, and now i can't go back. i think maybe sometime over break i'm just going to wander over and sit in the backyard until someone yells at me or something. what else am i going to do over vacation? who knows? everything i want to do is condensed into two days, and i can't find anything else to do on the other seven. tuesday the 20th i'm supposed to take a day trip with my family, go to a concert and have a track meet. somehow, i don't see that working. alas...c'est la vie. (does that mean "that's life" or "that's the life", because i want to say "that's life") this week is going to be incredibly busy. there's two concerts, of a certain band that i love. except...i'm not all that excited. i mean, i know it's gonna be fun...but whatever. summer's wasted, so this might as well be fucked too. 4 weeks of driver's ed, 2 weeks with the family...plus a job...i hope it only seems like a lot right now. well, whatever, just proves something i've already known: i'm in no rush to grow up. does anyone else think that playing paintball in an abandoned building sounds like fun? i want to do something strange and memorable really badly. i don't understand my motivations for doing certain activities. i don't even know whether it's better to feel good while doing them and then feel guilty about what you're missing, or to not do anything altogether. time is more valuable than just about anything else, and no one has any right now. well, maybe they do, but i'm just not seeing any come my way, and no one's using any on me. **shutting the hell up** but despite this all, there are a few things i'm feeling pretty good about. but it's not that kind of pure good. it's a cautiously optimistic, or a slightly tainted joy. but all that caution is well-deserved, and i'm feeling the effect. Elliott-Beijing (Too Many People) If you look at it the right way. You're not twisted. You're holding. You try so hard to push it away It was always in the right place. Your shaded heart, cool and colored. Your image bleeds oceans Two arms grown close and pulled away. We will all bleed in the right shades of too many people Too many people, so many people in this world. Oil, canvas,color Paint me a picture tonight. You stand there I'm so afraid. You said you knew me And I know what goes on when you're away. It's the one place to lose me. In too many people Too many people, so many people in this world. Oil, canvas color. Paint me a picture tonight (Around running around). 8 made it shine for everyone| take the moon?

only cynicism can get through to you. [03 Apr 2004|08:47pm] [ mood | frustrated ] [ music | murder by death-like the exorcist, but more breakdancing ] once again, everything is such a jumble that there's nowhere to begin. and it never ends. i guess i could go in some sort of chronological order, but even time makes no sense. for some reason, nothing feels melodramatic tonight, i feel like all the drama is well-earned and i'm not wavering from the fact that i can't deal with some of these feelings for much longer. i'm not even saying deal well, i'm not doing well with them right now. i can't handle this. i got my grades for the quarter...i guess i care but i know that they are no motivation. i didn't even feel motivated to go to school this week, too many things were either actually absent, or felt absent. no cliche here, because all absence does is weaken and awaken. my dreams over the last few days have been so incredibly fucked up, it's like i either have attention deficit disorder in my dreams, or there's a missing link to this horror story i'll never solve. friday was latin day, and for a little while, it lifted my spirits. because i got to eat cake out of my hands, miss class, laugh at home-schooled kids and purple sequined togas. and the people i was with, well that was really cool for me, a whole new outlook i must say i enjoy. but there was something so terribly wrong, something that constantly drew my attention, something that i'm so afraid i will never fix that i won't. i can't even relate to myself right now because i've never fucking done this with anyone before, but it's happening and it's happened before to some extent but gets worse on each occasion. i want to be me again to this person. if i could do that, and they could seem like themself to me, then that problem would vanish. problems don't vanish though, just opportuinity. moving on. friday night was a great, great night, for about two hours i truly felt alive, and i didn't give a fuck about any problems that i'm having. that's what best friends can do for you. i'm so thankful i've got three. my allergies kicked in terribly that night after catching and harassing jared's cats, and that's okay. SoCo sing alongs would be better if i actually knew the words, but i think there's a lesson when a few out of key voices meld perfectly with an out of tune piano. things don't have to be perfect to be the right thing. fast forward. saturday morning. i'm operating on five hours of sleep. great, just enough to go running on. apparantly, i'm okay at running. except i don't know what i think of it. it's such a mindless activity chock full of monotony, i don't know why i choose to go to practice. all i know is that it makes me hurt, physically. but i guess one of the reasons i'm good at running is because i make myself be good at it. like, i won't let myself slow down. i think that's dangerously cool. i get home, and realize how insanely tired i am. in fact, the last two hours are the first time i haven't felt tired all day. i got rid of a bunch of old cd's, made 30 bucks, and then spent some on a sparta cd. because sparta's cool. i came home and tried to write an english paper, but realized that after all my preperations, i had left my book at school. that comes after me thinking i left my shoes at school friday, going in to look for them, only to have left them in jared's car. i'm so smart. so i had to go get a copy of macbeth so i could turn out a mediocre paper. i love school, oh wait, no i don't. i'm so frustrated with this getting a job business, it makes me hate my birthday even more than i do. and i'm freaking out, overanalyzing so many people, so many things, my head's caught in asking what if? instead of what now? tonight i took a walk around my neighborhood with nothing but sparta and artifical light. and there's a lot of articifical light in suburbia. that was my discovery. that, and it's funny how somewhere you spent a good part of six years of your life can seem so foreign. although right now, most things seem pretty foreign right now. Armor for Sleep-Dream to Make Believe It's funny how, things work out the ones we need don't know we're there if I were sand and you were oceans the moon would be why you're pulled to me I wake up and think dreams are real I sleep so I don't have to feel the truth that you can never be the one person that won't ever forget me I hope that dreams come when I die so we can talk I won't wake up I'll ask you how your life worked out I'll never know that I'm just dreaming I wake up and think dreams are real I sleep so I don't have to feel the truth that you can never be the one person that won't ever forget me Let me sleep some more... i started singing that song tonight when i thought about how i felt, so i thought i'd post the lyrics. but whatever. i need some reassurance, and some truth. i shouldn't have to ask for either though... ..ithinkitstimeforachange.. 1 made it shine for everyone| take the moon?

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