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Melanie

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rant [08 Aug 2003|10:14pm]
[ mood | sad ]
[ music | 'because you loved me' celine dion ]

Well…I'm in New York now….believe it or not. Yes, here I am, again. I have been since July 28, I left my home on the 22, isn't that a bit pathetic? I think it is. I've gotten to New York in the span of 2 days before, but I was so tired, I kept stopping to rest. Maybe I was little paranoid…I didn't want another wreck. I like being coherent, thanks very much.

I shouldn't really say what city, location or anything- I don't know who knows what about me any more. People in Texas could be trying to find me, although not many people I know have seen this journal, not even Kristy. I think Jessica knows it, she seems to know everything, I can't hide much from her. She's such a clever girl…it's a shame she uses it to separate me and Kris, something that can never happen. I don't mind that she reads the journal really, since she already read my hand-written one, the important one. Aside from Leanne, I believe that's it that I've actually given the link to, I'm not sure if Leanne or Jess have shown anyone. But to be on the safe side, my lips are sealed (uh…fingers too?).

I don't know….everything is so mixed up, I can't stand it at all. Being in New York is….different. I've been here before, with people I know though, never on my own. I've always been in a warm setting, but now that I'm alone I realize…New York is NOT what I thought it was. When you grow up on sandy, wide-open beaches or in tight-knit towns you begin to dream little dreams. Mine was always a city alive with lights and party people. Now I can't handle it. I'm just a little chick in a big, big city, and everything I want is…so far away.

I miss Kristy…like I could never begin to believe. Not talking to her….is killing me. For all I know, she could be dead…after all, TJ said that if I told Kristy about him or Kyle being alive, she would die. Well even after I swore, I totally broke down and just…told her everything. Naturally, she didn't believe me. But he did say she would die. And now…she could be dead. It's not just that, I lied to TJ. If he told me once he told me a zillion times- lying is bad, never lie, he didn't respect people who lied. And here I am, a liar. I don't know exactly what it is, I've lied before. But for some reason, lying to him is like lying to….God. Somehow I feel like he's watching my every move and knows I lied. I feel like I've been a naughty child and need to be punished, it's a overwhelming sense of guilt. Maybe it's because of what that lie may have cost. In the back of my head, a nagging feeling tells me it's something more. Like I actually want him to respect me. Respect is something that is earned…. I have not earned it.

Something about TJ makes me feel like I'm just a little girl. A little girl who knows absolutely nothing about the real world, a little girl who wants to act like a grown up but really has no idea what world she's reaching out to. I have a lot of weird feelings about TJ, maybe that's why I feel so compelled to talk to him all the time. I just want to figure out what's so special about him that I've risked Kris' safetly numerous times to keep him in her life. From the very first time ever, I knew there was something about him- I've not placed my finger on it yet though. I think that sometimes I lose a bit of my free will and free thinking around him. All the time he'll say something and be like 'admit it' and even if just 2 seconds before I had totally disagreed with him, I begin to think he's right, and immediately agree. It's never been that way. I always argue, I never ever agree with anyone or anything, unless they have the exact same idea as me to a perfect T. It's not that I purposely disagree no matter what, just that my beliefs are very picky. Few people see things my way. We do our fair share of arguing, don't get me wrong, but not half as much arguing that would or should normally go on between he and I.

Sometimes I'll know I'm right, but if he says I'm wrong, I just submit to it. It's like…I trust him to always be right, even if I don't always show it, or want it. I came to New York to find him, find an answer. Not to find Kristy. I wonder if that makes me a bad friend….does it? To want to find TJ, but not to want to find her just yet. All jokes aside though, I'm scared. There is no telling what may happen to her if we meet. Thousands of things could take place…and I won't risk that. I'm just…so done with being selfish. She was in Washington when I made my way up, but she's back now. I haven't ran into either of them, and I haven't found any answers. I have done my homework though, and I've learned so many things that I did not know before. Some things are useful, interesting- but none of them really lead to exactly what I'm looking for. If TJ wanted to be found, he'd have let me find him, I'm sure. He'd make it easy for me….or would he? Maybe he doesn't care that I'm here at all. Maybe he doesn't even know I'm here. Something else tells me that….TJ really does know everything, and if it were of any importance, we'd have met up by now.

Something says….he may not have ALL the answers….but the ones he does have are always right. He knows things that I don't, things I can't understand. I totally trust whatever judgement calls he's making. It's dangerous….trusting someone so completely. Trusting a face you've never seen.

I'm not at my best either, I'm beginning to get a small taste of what Kris deals with regularly. The lonely, helpless feeling. Never being hungry….I've had to force feed myself for a week or so now. I'm just not hungry, the though of food makes me sick, but I also know it's unhealthy for me not to eat. I make sure I take in at least 800 calories a day…I need to stay healthy, I don't know what is coming in the months ahead. I've never been a big crier, although I insist to others that it's healthy. I always told myself I needed to be strong for everyone else, that it's fine for them to cry, but not for me. Every second of every day I have that feeling in my stomach you get when you're on the brink of tears, I try to hold it in. I never know what is coming…and if I cry I may be weakening myself at a dangerous time.

Weaknesses….TJ would always point out my weaknesses to me. I never minded up until now. I keep thinking about how strong and smart he is, and why I'm so stupid and weak. I'm just so…flawed. I hate it. I want to be strong. I want to be able to help Kristy and help people, and not be so naïve. My weaknesses tweak my nerves more than ever….I've got to shape up. I don't really notice my weaknesses until it's too late, I know it's crazy but…I wish TJ was around to berate me. He makes me want to do my best, be sharp, keeps me on my toes, and makes me more aware of myself and others. I hate to admit it, but I've learned SO much from him, including that my weaknesses are indeed my downfalls. I won't let myself be weak anymore, I won't let myself fall apart. I'll be strong, and I'll be smart. I will.

But really….should I really want so much to be like TJ? There are just so many things about TJ…that I do not like. The way his anger flares when you least expect it, how he can be reckless and still come out on top, his ego, the way he hurt Kris, and the way he hurts himself over and over again. I look past these things when I think of him though. And in some freakish way, I look up to him. I really, really do. Not that I'd EVER tell him that in a zillion years- he's ego is huge. Ha, I can just imagine myself telling him - "When I grow up, I want to be just like you TJ".

What's bothering me most- I can't even smile anymore. I love to smile, a smile fits my face so well. I tried to make myself in the mirror a few days ago, what I got was a lopsided half-grin. I haven't tried since. It hurts- physically and emotionally, to smile. There is nothing to smile about right now, I think of the future, and unlike the times before when I imagined brighter days, things are hazy now. Is this the world and future that Kris sees? I feel like I could never be happy again.

I miss Kris, desperately. I have the phone number, I repeat it in my head ALL the time. Like I'm chanting some sort of mantra. But I can't call it. Several different reasons influence that decision, one being that I lied. I'm supposed to be grounded, not in New York. Quite a few other things come into play after that. But I do miss her. I feel like a piece of my heart has been ripped out. I love her unconditionally. I just want to hold her and let her cry on my shoulder and defend her from all the bad things out her. I want to be like….a guardian angel to her, or something. She's so strong though, to get through all this and still be standing. I don't know if I could have made it…although she and I handle situations so differently. I just want to be able to stand up and take what's coming the same way she has, instead of always running once I've lost the battle.

Jessica once told me that Kris didn't need me, that I needed her. I wonder if that was right, but TJ told me Kris DID need me. Both TJ and Jessica are very smart. I trust TJ though, where as I could never trust Jessica, not after everything she's done. Kris says she doesn't need anybody. I wonder if she's better off without me, if that would put a spin on things and send them in a better direction. Maybe by me factoring in I've caused her more pain, maybe her pain could have ended month's ago, and by telling her to fight back, I've prolonged the suffering. Maybe if I factored out….but no. I think it's selfish to say, but truthful, I could NEVER up and leave Kris….unless I died. I tell her I'd always say goodbye first, but lately I'm not so sure. I get the feeling something is coming, something bad. And that my goodbye….won't ever get the chance to be said. I try not to think about it, but this feeling of dread has clouded all my other feelings lately.

I don't know what to do, my school in Texas already started, and I don't intend on going back. When I left Texas, I left with intentions of never returning, not for awhile. But now I'm just so homesick, I know I have a mission, but it's so tedious and scary. 'Everyone has a place' Kris would tell me, I wonder if I'm out of mine.

It all comes back to my beliefs about destiny though:

What is coming will come, but I wrote My own destiny from the very beginning, and therefore it is in the palm of my own hands and I can alter it. My situations will always have the same outcomes, but now on earth I choose my own path to the end. I have to make it a good one.

Well…So long everyone, sleep time. Although sleep is evading me as well….I stare at the ceiling for hours, just thinking and dreading terrible things. Then I fall into a restless sleep, filled with horrible nightmares. I pray all the time, but God feels farther than ever. I just wish Josh was around to hold me and protect me until I fell asleep. Lying next to him, he was the only thing I dreamed of. But…he's dead. So yeah, it's time for bed.

.::Confessional::.

squeelin [22 Jul 2003|10:17pm]
[ mood | confused ]
[ music | 'can't fight the moonlight' leanne rimes ]

i told kris about her brother and tj....
....and she did not take it well nor did she believe me


but i mean what did i expect??? her to magically believe that two people she was quite sure were dead are suddenly alive and kicking??? i mean....i wouldn't believe it if it was me.

and now it sucks because she can't even call me anymore because i got busted and god nothing ever works out, im not sure i should even be on but oh god i just hate everything.


:sigh: and i hope she doesnt die cuz i lied to tj and squeeled

but maybe he told me cuz he KNEW i would tell her and he wanted her to know.....at least its a thought, rite???


well i hope so. it'd be nice if she believed me. it'd be nicer if i could take it back.


it'd be phenomenal if her and tj never broke up and everything was peachy.

.::Confessional::.

flipping out [18 Jul 2003|10:35pm]
[ mood | tired ]
[ music | 'wonderwall' by oasis ]

oh god...

ok so tj is supposed to be dead rite??? ok so like the nite of the 16th someone signs on tj's sn and im like freakin out cuz thats scary. kris is blocked so like she doesnt know. so then i pull it together enough to figure out that there is probably someone tryin to mess wit her and i need to put an end to that. conversation went as follows:


piink x krush: this isn't tj. so who is it.
sALsteej: wana bet
sALsteej: n wait
sALsteej: before u say shit
sALsteej: dont u fuckin say a word to her
piink x krush: .....tj?
sALsteej: yes
sALsteej: now listen for a second
sALsteej: she cant kno
piink x krush: .......omg
sALsteej: there r things goin on
piink x krush: what the fuck are u doing
sALsteej: things she cant kno
piink x krush: fine.
piink x krush: but u better have a fucking
sALsteej: u tell
sALsteej: she dies
piink x krush: phenomenal explanation
sALsteej: i cant give u an explanation
sALsteej: not yet
sALsteej: how is she
piink x krush: u know for 3 fucking days
piink x krush: she was looking everywhere for u
piink x krush: would not believe that u were dead
sALsteej: thats my girl
piink x krush: and then her and tristan got into a fite
piink x krush: and thats when she started believing
piink x krush: and i just....kinda beleived watever she believed
sALsteej: she has to look for the truth
sALsteej: make sure she does
piink x krush: shes goin to washington.
piink x krush: but shes gonna call me
sALsteej: she'l be safe there
piink x krush: ......i dont understand how this is a good thing
sALsteej: just how is she
piink x krush: alive.
piink x krush: and she really doesnt want to be.
piink x krush: she sent me part of this speech she had to make at your funeral
sALsteej: she cuttin herself again?
piink x krush: dont know. i dont ask.
sALsteej: then ask
sALsteej: i assume shes on now
piink x krush: she is on
sALsteej: so ask
piink x krush: thats gonna be a very odd and swift subject change u realize
sALsteej: so wat
piink x krush: fine h/o
piink x krush: u know for someone whos dead, ur pretty fucking demanding
sALsteej: i gota go soon. i gota get outa here. but u make sure that she neva finds out im alive
sALsteej: she cant die of her own hand
sALsteej: remember that
sALsteej: she cant kill herself.
sALsteej: so dont eva tell her
piink x krush: i wont tell her anything
piink x krush: if it means her life
piink x krush: where r u ne way
sALsteej: home for a bit
sALsteej: then i duno where
piink x krush: how??? dont ur parents think ur dead to???
sALsteej: my parents rnt home
piink x krush: .......u know u scared the fuck outta like everyone
piink x krush: this better work watever the hell it is
piink x krush: and yes shes cutting
sALsteej: the plan is fuckin keepin her alive
sALsteej: i might not eva talk to u again but as long as shes alive
sALsteej: u'l kno the 'plan
sALsteej: has worked
piink x krush: and u faking ur death keeps her alive
sALsteej: its complicated
piink x krush: .....its dum
sALsteej: n probly not alive for long
piink x krush: i dont get it
sALsteej: ur not meant to
piink x krush: not alive for long???
piink x krush: what????
sALsteej: i told u already
sALsteej: its complicated
sALsteej: n i dont have the time to explain
piink x krush: .....so ur just gonna be dead to her forever?
sALsteej: if it'l keep her alive
sALsteej: wat day did i die btw?
sALsteej: wat day is today?
piink x krush: today is the 16th
piink x krush: u died on um....
piink x krush: i think like....
piink x krush: the 11th?? maybe 12th
sALsteej: the 11th it would figure.
piink x krush: does this have to do wit her brother?
sALsteej: more than one
piink x krush: how can kevin have ne thing to do with it isnt he like 8?
sALsteej: not that one.
piink x krush: the other one is dead tho
sALsteej: u sure
piink x krush: .....ur fucking kidding me
sALsteej: i told u
sALsteej: this is waaay fuckin complicated
sALsteej: shes not to kno that either
piink x krush: i wont tell her ne thing
piink x krush: in fact i am gonna like forget everything now
sALsteej: u swear
piink x krush: cuz i dun wanna know
piink x krush: i swear
piink x krush: this...is....crazy
sALsteej: i gota go
piink x krush: ok good that ur alive then...bye
sALsteej: make sure she knos i love her..some how
piink x krush: i tell her everyday
sALsteej: well tell her one last fuckin time
sALsteej: peace
sALsteej signed off at 12:04:52 AM.



.....whoah rite??? now like all the ppl are faking deaths and shit???

I wanna tell her SO bad. especially since she called me. i could totally hear the deceit in my voice....


and doesnt she deserve to know? i gotta hold my tongue tho....this could be dangerous. it could also be dangerous if she isnt prepared tho! i guess the question is...how much do i and can i trust tj to pull this off?? i mean...faking his death was NOT a smart move in my opinion. am i the only one who sees wat he's jeopardizing?? thats ILLEGAL! and not to mention its gonna piss ppl off and plus he's got school, it'll be his SENIOR year.....i swear. plus, poor kris....


she sounded so cute on the phone....


well i have tons more to say but i need my sleep....so ill finish up tomorrow

.::Confessional::.

busy busy busy [16 Jul 2003|03:13pm]
[ mood | anxious ]
[ music | 'Dragula' by Rob Zombie ]

I MUST KEEP BUSY.

Or...I start thinking...and I go outta my mind dwelling on everything that has happened....

So I've compiled a top ten car list...

top ten car list


1. 2004 Porsche 911 GT3 RS [silver]
2. 2004 Mercedes Benz SLR McLaren [red]
3. 1957 Ferrari 410 Superamerica Scaglietti Coupe [red]
4. 1997 Porsche 911 GT1 [silver]
5. 1995 Ferrari F50 [black]
6. 2001 Toyota ROXY Echo [silver/blue]
7. 2003 BMW m3 Convertible [black]
8. 2002 H2 [yellow]
9. 2003 Chevy Corvette [red]
10. 1997 Spyder Eclypse Convertible [silver/blue]

.::Confessional::.

TJ... [16 Jul 2003|12:34am]
[ mood | sad ]
[ music | 'Emotions' by Destiny's Child ]

You know....some things just fucking suck.

I had hope that Tj wasn't dead because I knew TJ wouldn't die.
I had hope that Tj wasn't dead because I knew TJ couldn't just DIE.
I had hope because even Kris, who never has hope, had hope.
I had hope because she was faithful.
I had hope because she was SO sure.
I had hope because they couldn't do a DNA test.
I had hope because I trust God.
I had hope because I prayed.


But there was a funeral. And whether he's dead or not....it's all final now. Whether he's mysteriously disappeared or not...is over. No more speculating.

It was silly to pray. What's done is done.
It was selfish to pray. Earth is hell. TJ is in a better place. I hope.

And I hope that....where ever he is....he's happy, and warm, and he's always watching over my Kristy.

His Kristy.

RIP

.::Confessional::.

Kristy [14 Jul 2003|11:29pm]
[ mood | contemplative ]
[ music | 'My Love is Like....Wo' by Mya ]

I really need to get this out.

My best friend Kristy is just phenomenal. Amazing. So sweet, so nice- I love her. She is the only 1 that makes sense sometimes, I can talk to her, feel comfortable with her.

Something inside tells me...I don't know, that we have this special bond. That God put us together. We're so close, at least I think so. I could tell her anything. I Love her more than anything....

....If I ever lost her, I'd probably....fall apart.

.::Confessional::.

New Design! [14 Jul 2003|12:18pm]
[ mood | guilty ]
[ music | Emotions by Destiny's Child ]

New Layout By ME!!!


Well, I've made a new design for myself. Although I can't seem to get the boxes dead centered in the middle of the white space, dammit! If anyone can help with that- i'll LOVE you forever. :)


Anyway...I'm so down right now. My friend died and it is ALL my fault. You see he was my boyfriend but this girl I hate set it up and the guy fell for me and was screwing up so the girl took matters into her own hands and broke the news to me.

Because my boyfriend (Josh) was so upset he got high off of OxyContin. I was mad that he tried to come and talk to me becuz he was high and took his bottle and thrust it down the sewer. I was walking away when he said something like 'if you walk out on me i'm walking after you' i may have even heard that somewhere before. I was so mad I didn't even turn around, just yelled over my shoulder that I hated him and wanted him to die. Those were the last words I ever got to say to him.

He....had another bottle and he overdosed and now he's dead....

dead

so...I passed some time with the design....I've been keeping busy....it takes my mind away to a better place


I'll stick to my needle and my favorite waste of time




let it be a lesson to everyone....
....be careful what you wish for

.::Confessional::.

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