||'because you loved me' celine dion
Well…I'm in New York now….believe it or not. Yes, here I am, again. I have been since July 28, I left my home on the 22, isn't that a bit pathetic? I think it is. I've gotten to New York in the span of 2 days before, but I was so tired, I kept stopping to rest. Maybe I was little paranoid…I didn't want another wreck. I like being coherent, thanks very much.
I shouldn't really say what city, location or anything- I don't know who knows what about me any more. People in Texas could be trying to find me, although not many people I know have seen this journal, not even Kristy. I think Jessica knows it, she seems to know everything, I can't hide much from her. She's such a clever girl…it's a shame she uses it to separate me and Kris, something that can never happen. I don't mind that she reads the journal really, since she already read my hand-written one, the important one. Aside from Leanne, I believe that's it that I've actually given the link to, I'm not sure if Leanne or Jess have shown anyone. But to be on the safe side, my lips are sealed (uh…fingers too?).
I don't know….everything is so mixed up, I can't stand it at all. Being in New York is….different. I've been here before, with people I know though, never on my own. I've always been in a warm setting, but now that I'm alone I realize…New York is NOT what I thought it was. When you grow up on sandy, wide-open beaches or in tight-knit towns you begin to dream little dreams. Mine was always a city alive with lights and party people. Now I can't handle it. I'm just a little chick in a big, big city, and everything I want is…so far away.
I miss Kristy…like I could never begin to believe. Not talking to her….is killing me. For all I know, she could be dead…after all, TJ said that if I told Kristy about him or Kyle being alive, she would die. Well even after I swore, I totally broke down and just…told her everything. Naturally, she didn't believe me. But he did say she would die. And now…she could be dead. It's not just that, I lied to TJ. If he told me once he told me a zillion times- lying is bad, never lie, he didn't respect people who lied. And here I am, a liar. I don't know exactly what it is, I've lied before. But for some reason, lying to him is like lying to….God. Somehow I feel like he's watching my every move and knows I lied. I feel like I've been a naughty child and need to be punished, it's a overwhelming sense of guilt. Maybe it's because of what that lie may have cost. In the back of my head, a nagging feeling tells me it's something more. Like I actually want him to respect me. Respect is something that is earned…. I have not earned it.
Something about TJ makes me feel like I'm just a little girl. A little girl who knows absolutely nothing about the real world, a little girl who wants to act like a grown up but really has no idea what world she's reaching out to. I have a lot of weird feelings about TJ, maybe that's why I feel so compelled to talk to him all the time. I just want to figure out what's so special about him that I've risked Kris' safetly numerous times to keep him in her life. From the very first time ever, I knew there was something about him- I've not placed my finger on it yet though. I think that sometimes I lose a bit of my free will and free thinking around him. All the time he'll say something and be like 'admit it' and even if just 2 seconds before I had totally disagreed with him, I begin to think he's right, and immediately agree. It's never been that way. I always argue, I never ever agree with anyone or anything, unless they have the exact same idea as me to a perfect T. It's not that I purposely disagree no matter what, just that my beliefs are very picky. Few people see things my way. We do our fair share of arguing, don't get me wrong, but not half as much arguing that would or should normally go on between he and I.
Sometimes I'll know I'm right, but if he says I'm wrong, I just submit to it. It's like…I trust him to always be right, even if I don't always show it, or want it. I came to New York to find him, find an answer. Not to find Kristy. I wonder if that makes me a bad friend….does it? To want to find TJ, but not to want to find her just yet. All jokes aside though, I'm scared. There is no telling what may happen to her if we meet. Thousands of things could take place…and I won't risk that. I'm just…so done with being selfish. She was in Washington when I made my way up, but she's back now. I haven't ran into either of them, and I haven't found any answers. I have done my homework though, and I've learned so many things that I did not know before. Some things are useful, interesting- but none of them really lead to exactly what I'm looking for. If TJ wanted to be found, he'd have let me find him, I'm sure. He'd make it easy for me….or would he? Maybe he doesn't care that I'm here at all. Maybe he doesn't even know I'm here. Something else tells me that….TJ really does know everything, and if it were of any importance, we'd have met up by now.
Something says….he may not have ALL the answers….but the ones he does have are always right. He knows things that I don't, things I can't understand. I totally trust whatever judgement calls he's making. It's dangerous….trusting someone so completely. Trusting a face you've never seen.
I'm not at my best either, I'm beginning to get a small taste of what Kris deals with regularly. The lonely, helpless feeling. Never being hungry….I've had to force feed myself for a week or so now. I'm just not hungry, the though of food makes me sick, but I also know it's unhealthy for me not to eat. I make sure I take in at least 800 calories a day…I need to stay healthy, I don't know what is coming in the months ahead. I've never been a big crier, although I insist to others that it's healthy. I always told myself I needed to be strong for everyone else, that it's fine for them to cry, but not for me. Every second of every day I have that feeling in my stomach you get when you're on the brink of tears, I try to hold it in. I never know what is coming…and if I cry I may be weakening myself at a dangerous time.
Weaknesses….TJ would always point out my weaknesses to me. I never minded up until now. I keep thinking about how strong and smart he is, and why I'm so stupid and weak. I'm just so…flawed. I hate it. I want to be strong. I want to be able to help Kristy and help people, and not be so naïve. My weaknesses tweak my nerves more than ever….I've got to shape up. I don't really notice my weaknesses until it's too late, I know it's crazy but…I wish TJ was around to berate me. He makes me want to do my best, be sharp, keeps me on my toes, and makes me more aware of myself and others. I hate to admit it, but I've learned SO much from him, including that my weaknesses are indeed my downfalls. I won't let myself be weak anymore, I won't let myself fall apart. I'll be strong, and I'll be smart. I will.
But really….should I really want so much to be like TJ? There are just so many things about TJ…that I do not like. The way his anger flares when you least expect it, how he can be reckless and still come out on top, his ego, the way he hurt Kris, and the way he hurts himself over and over again. I look past these things when I think of him though. And in some freakish way, I look up to him. I really, really do. Not that I'd EVER tell him that in a zillion years- he's ego is huge. Ha, I can just imagine myself telling him - "When I grow up, I want to be just like you TJ".
What's bothering me most- I can't even smile anymore. I love to smile, a smile fits my face so well. I tried to make myself in the mirror a few days ago, what I got was a lopsided half-grin. I haven't tried since. It hurts- physically and emotionally, to smile. There is nothing to smile about right now, I think of the future, and unlike the times before when I imagined brighter days, things are hazy now. Is this the world and future that Kris sees? I feel like I could never be happy again.
I miss Kris, desperately. I have the phone number, I repeat it in my head ALL the time. Like I'm chanting some sort of mantra. But I can't call it. Several different reasons influence that decision, one being that I lied. I'm supposed to be grounded, not in New York. Quite a few other things come into play after that. But I do miss her. I feel like a piece of my heart has been ripped out. I love her unconditionally. I just want to hold her and let her cry on my shoulder and defend her from all the bad things out her. I want to be like….a guardian angel to her, or something. She's so strong though, to get through all this and still be standing. I don't know if I could have made it…although she and I handle situations so differently. I just want to be able to stand up and take what's coming the same way she has, instead of always running once I've lost the battle.
Jessica once told me that Kris didn't need me, that I needed her. I wonder if that was right, but TJ told me Kris DID need me. Both TJ and Jessica are very smart. I trust TJ though, where as I could never trust Jessica, not after everything she's done. Kris says she doesn't need anybody. I wonder if she's better off without me, if that would put a spin on things and send them in a better direction. Maybe by me factoring in I've caused her more pain, maybe her pain could have ended month's ago, and by telling her to fight back, I've prolonged the suffering. Maybe if I factored out….but no. I think it's selfish to say, but truthful, I could NEVER up and leave Kris….unless I died. I tell her I'd always say goodbye first, but lately I'm not so sure. I get the feeling something is coming, something bad. And that my goodbye….won't ever get the chance to be said. I try not to think about it, but this feeling of dread has clouded all my other feelings lately.
I don't know what to do, my school in Texas already started, and I don't intend on going back. When I left Texas, I left with intentions of never returning, not for awhile. But now I'm just so homesick, I know I have a mission, but it's so tedious and scary. 'Everyone has a place' Kris would tell me, I wonder if I'm out of mine.
It all comes back to my beliefs about destiny though:
What is coming will come, but I wrote My own destiny from the very beginning, and therefore it is in the palm of my own hands and I can alter it. My situations will always have the same outcomes, but now on earth I choose my own path to the end. I have to make it a good one.
Well…So long everyone, sleep time. Although sleep is evading me as well….I stare at the ceiling for hours, just thinking and dreading terrible things. Then I fall into a restless sleep, filled with horrible nightmares. I pray all the time, but God feels farther than ever. I just wish Josh was around to hold me and protect me until I fell asleep. Lying next to him, he was the only thing I dreamed of. But…he's dead. So yeah, it's time for bed.