Haleigh's Blurty Entries [entries|friends|calendar] Haleigh [ userinfo | blurty userinfo ] [ calendar | blurty calendar ]

Friends [01 Apr 2003|02:49pm] [ mood | grateful ] [ music | Carry You by Dispatch ] I wrote this last night, after I talked to one of my great friends on the phone: This is going to be one of my last written entries on this journal. After go to: TeenStar101 with Live Journal. This will be a place where I will put poems, quotes, jokes, etc. Just keep that in mind... I've said it before, but I feel I have to say it again. Every single one of my friends is a blessing. "I am surrounded by angels, the kind that heaven sends. I see all of these angels, but I call them my best friends." That is my re-mix of the quote. I love you. I do and I hate to see you cry, to know that you hurt. Pain is such a powerful emotion and I hate it. I hate sadness. I only like to see all of your beautiful smiles and sparkling eyes. So many things hurt in your life, but with true friends like us: we know we will be together forever. Together we will get by. There are no words to describe how thankful I am to have you. Each one of you are in my prayers, and have a spot in my heart that will never, ever go away! What more can words describe how I feel? I love you. My angels always and forever. 5 comments|post comment

Yesterday [31 Mar 2003|05:47pm] [ mood | contemplative ] [ music | Again, I Go Unnoticed by Dashboard Confessional ] I wrote this yesterday in my bedroom at like 8ish. I was banned to my room for the rest of the night so I wrote on a piece of notebook paper: I wish I could run away. You know, just pack my bags and leave, having nowhere to go with the open road ahead of me. A few years ago I had spent the whole night in the woods in my backyard. I wish I had the strength to leave, only this time farther and more wisely. I am never good enough for my parents: smart enough, polite enough, or anything enough. I can't do anything right. I am a total failure. Sometimes I want to lift the sleeve of my shirt up and thrust my wrist into their faces. They would probably just yell at me: another way their daughter has screwed up. Just another way. Or maybe they wouldn't. Maybe they would hold me and cry with me...telling me that everything will be okay. They would kiss away all my hurt, like they used to do when I was a little kid. Will tomarrow I wake, And find that all my pain has gone away? Or will it stay forever hidden, Waiting to appear on an unsuspecting day? Will I smile, One that is not a lie? Or will I pretend, That I never cry? Will I learn to be the girl, Deep down I always wanted to be? Or will I cry tears, That blind what I don't want to see? Will happiness reapper, And fill up my soul? Or will heartache win, And finally take it's deadly toll? Will the anwers to my questions, Show me what is right? Or will death be my "prescription," As I fade into the night? I don't know The truths that tomarrow hold. I don't know If I'll journey from young to old. The only answer I know that is true Is the one I will share with you. As the sunsets, And the night shades us with its dark veil, I hold my cover closely, Protecting my body, so frail. I want to live, I am not yet ready to die. As the never-ending time changes today to yesterday, I softly say goodbye. 2 comments|post comment

Annoyed [31 Mar 2003|04:41pm] [ mood | annoyed ] [ music | Here We Go by Dispatch ] Well today was same-old same-old. Lisa and I are running to Las Vegas to get married. (she asked me today LoL). Nothing is new, still getting better and more happy. Slowly, but getting there. Nothing to do! Which is why I am trying to customize this blurty thing, and I am officially ANNOYED! Blurty makes no sense, and I understand LiveJournal at least a little bit more! I think I am going to try a LJ, and see which one I like better...I am allowed to have more then one! And the one that I don't like as much I will keep as like an inside jokes thing or something. Or random stuff that would make no sense with my thoughts that I really want my first journal to be for. So maybe I'll do that after I grab something to eat! post comment

Nothing to do [30 Mar 2003|05:57pm] [ mood | busy ] [ music | Out Loud by Dispatch ] Yea, well, today was a boring day. I am in my pajamas still. I did not even bother to get changed. I have been doing my Spanish for as long as I can remember! Lisa and I have been playing around with this journal thing, and I still don't understand how to make it look like some of those other peoples! They have some really neat stuff and I want to learn how to do it! Nothing new, if there is I'll write later. Oh ewww, I can't believe Becky thought he was hot! Yuck! She should know his personality. So much work. Later. post comment

Babysitting [29 Mar 2003|09:55pm] [ mood | bored ] [ music | The Luckiest by Ben Folds ] I am babysitting my brother! Oh yeah! Haha, no. Today Janice and I went to the Bronx. It was fun, I got to see a completely different way of life first hand, and not through the glass of a car window. You never realize how different people live from yourself, until you are there and witness it, until you are actually included with them. It is interesting, and I also realize how protected my life has always been. At least I had fun today, and now I am stuck home bored crazy. I've been wondering who am I? lately. I have no idea exactly. I wish things did not have to be so complicated, that I could be as innocent and untouched as I used to be. I wish that I never had to see the horrors in the world, see only the good things. Never gonna happen, but a girl can dream. *I am looking around, Seeing the faces of friends, enemies, and strangers. I hold my breath, Scared of the world's dangers. My covered wrists, Hide the scars. My washed away tears, Are never very far. Pain can sometimes be so strong, And I can't breathe. Everything becomes dark, Like I am under the waves of the sea. They move me, With their own will. I am not my own, As they hold me still. I am swimming to the surface, I can almost see the light. It is not yet over, But some how I know that everything will be alright.* Wish I was doing something right now, LoL. Come save me from this boredom! Going to go watch TV or something... post comment

Work [29 Mar 2003|11:54am] [ mood | productive ] [ music | Best of Me by Starting Line ] Doin school work because my parents are making me! Save me... post comment

stuff [29 Mar 2003|11:29am] [ mood | indescribable ] [ music | Best of Me by Starting Line ] Yesterday was fun, well except the fact that I did not like how it was in an audatorium (sp?). It would have been so much better in the gym, because sometimes it is hard to sit still with that music blasting. Some of the bands were okay, some were not. It was good to get out of the house, and hang out with my friends. By the way, I hope everything is working out with you Lisa! Whatever happens, though, know that I am here for you just like you have always been for me. The diner was fun...you know spitting out my soda when I saw that guy (with the plugs LoL) smiling at us. That was too good! Janice, you slut, get some clothes on! Haha! You know I am just playing with you, and you can wear things like that. Steve's piggy-back rides are fun! I love you all! I was talking to Dan yesterday about somethings that were happening, and he made me realize that they are okay...that I was not the wrong one, that it was the other persons fault. Thanks Dan! You were right when you said we got to know each other, and that we should not throw it away. I would not take back those two months, because I got to know somebody really well, somebody I always want as a friend. At first I thought you had abandoned me, left me alone with these problems that I am having. You didn't though, and I just had to realize that. Even if Dan and I did not talk, I still would never have been alone. I have my friends, and even my family (who are innocently unaware), that I know will never leave. We may not even be the most popular, but we are one of the luckiest. We are true friends, not ones that would ever backstab (although we do have our own faults). I tell you, I really lucked out when it came to finding friends! Thank you, and know that I love each and every one of you...I always will no matter what happens. Thought you might like to know this interesting fact: besides that I can't talk (only a whisper that sometimes squeeks with sound...which sounds horrible LoL), I woke up today with a dark blue, upside-down peace sign on my left cheek. Yes, it came off my hand...that I must have slept on at one point or another during the night. I also have the marker going down from the corner of my mouth looking like I drooled! Haha! I am so pathetic. So attractive. Also, if you call me, and I pick up the phone, expect only a whisper at the other end...so really listen to it! Nothing more to say, want to start doing work so I can go with Janice today (and whoever else). Much love. Until we write again. post comment

Went to school! [28 Mar 2003|03:04pm] [ mood | bouncy ] [ music | Here We Go by Dispatch ] I did not miss too much, except I do have a little bit of work to make up...including a 3-day math test! OH FUN! Haha. Today was not that bad. At lunch we stole breadsticks again from the cafateria (like we do almost every day, except the lunch-ladies are slowly catching on...I mean c'mon, today Adrienne took all of them except ONE LoL). So we got scared that they would make us pay for them all or get us into trouble, so we hid them under a napkin and decided to eat them outside. The only problem was that we could not get it outside without having them seen. Therefore, I stuck them in my shirt, bra, and the top of my pants (even the little butter things in the containers that we also took). If I had not been wearing a sweatshirt, I would have had a pretty oddly shaped chest! It was fun. I know, we are such criminals! LoL. Yes, I know I am a loser. And yes, I know it is pathetic...but hey, at least I could be silly just like I used to be. Haven't been that in a while. I can't wait for tonight...we are going to have fun! Dani, Lisa, Janice, Randi, Mel, and whoever else is going! PUNK ROCKS! Well, except it is other types too. I like a lot of different types of music, so I won't mind in the least. Should be interesting. Anyway, feel like doing something productive. Not super happy, but happy enough that my urges are currently not here. YEA! Well, I'm gonna bounce and get a move on. A move on what? Dunno, but going to find out! 1 comment|post comment

I have to type [27 Mar 2003|08:50pm] [ mood | scared ] [ music | Drowning Slowly by Ben Folds ] I have to type. I have to. If I don't...I know I am going to cut myself. I know I am. I can't. I have to write. About what? I don't know. Anything. Anything to make it go away. It is so strong. So so so strong. God give me strength. Please. Please stand by me, help this to pass. Have to talk to people. Have to. Can't go upstairs to the kitchen. Can't. Stay, Haleigh. Cry. Don't cut. So strong. So hurt. Why did he lie to me? Hold on. Why do people lie? I am weak, and they lie, and they hurt. But have to be strong. Remember how good I felt today! Remember, and feel it again. Talking to friends, journal, but it is still there. Knife. I need one. NO. NO. Okay, I am calming. "This too shall pass." If I can make it then I can do anything. Yes, I can. I won't cut. I want to I really do, but I won't. I am better. I hope. For now. 3 comments|post comment

Sick, but better [27 Mar 2003|08:10pm] [ mood | giddy ] [ music | Life Goes On by Leanne Rhymes ] I decided to go to dance, since I have been people deprived for 2 days, and I could not spend another minute in the house. It was okay, I kinda felt dizzy...like I was going to faint. I made it through the whole class, so it was okay. I better be able to go to school tomarrow or I will flip. You have no idea. Man-o-man I have a headache. I definitly feel like an official loser with how much I write in this thing, but once I start going to school normal, I think I probably won't write as much. Is that a good thing? I am really just writing this for myself, and I dought people even read it. It helps me to vent, and spill out my feelings. So I don't care who thinks I am a loser. I am proud! I don't know if I should get my hair highlighted or straightened. Descions descions. LoL. Nah I am not that shallow, but I do have to decide, because my mommy is treating me. Mommy? Wow, good one. So yeah, if you are reading this...need your advice. Otherwise I'll just ask everyone at school. This should be a fun weekend. Concert on Friday, hanging out w/ my good friends saturday! Jam-packed fun. I can't wait for my adventures to come! I know I am a dork (aka a big whale penis). So you don't even need to bother telling me. I finally feel like a blonde for once in a great great long while. And ya know what? I am proud of it! Well, tired and just feel like talking to friends...until next time journal-o! post comment

refreshed [27 Mar 2003|02:40pm] [ mood | chipper ] [ music | It's Been A While by Stained ] I just took my 2nd shower today, and it did some good. No urges right now for one! YEA! I think I realized that I am going to be okay with the whole Mark thing. That is all I wanted to say. I'm not alone, and whoever I'm meant to be I will find (and I can have h/us until then lol jk). So yea, I just like to tell myself over and over again that "No guy is worth your tears, and the one that is won't make you cry." Also, maybe I can truly overcome what happened, and the bad things in life...once and for all. So smile, Haleigh, smile. And I will. 143 to everyone and everything that is good in my life right now! Being friends w/ exs aint that bad! Chipper, haha, what a funny word. I think I shall use it for my mood! post comment

Sick again [27 Mar 2003|01:01am] [ mood | crappy ] [ music | Flying Horses by Dispatch ] I am home, bored as anything. I hate being sick. Even though I hate school, I would rather be there then have to live with this complete and total boredom. Besides, when I am alone the urges are more frequent and stronger. It tires me out just trying to concentrate on the TV, etc with those horrible thoughts going through my head. I'm making it so far, and only a few more hours to go! Oh fun! I can't stand the talk shows anymore and I can't concentrate on what I am reading or writing. Sickness, go away, come back another day. Nix that, come back never. Mark and I talk again and are on semi-good terms. Except I don't know him anymore, and he has changed. I have too, but it is different. He picked another girl over me 2x (or at least deff 1x) and it hurts. I just can't accept it. At least he doesn't hurt me nearly as much as he had in the past. I can handle the shit he gives me now. At least I hope I can, because I'm not ready to just lose him. He is also helping me with my "problem." He works with the ambulance corp and used to do it himself. I think that is the only reason why I even talk to him...otherwise I wouldn't. But he understands cuz he has "been there done that." Okay forget everything that I said. He still hurts me just as much, and I have to admit that. He makes me cry, he really does. He has this hold over me, and I don't know why. Goddam, I wish it could go away. That I could have amnesia and forget everything, just to start over. But I can't. Why not? I hope he is happy with this new girl, I really hope he is. I just wish he could tell me 100% that I should get over him, but he doesn't. I think he likes to keep me hanging on. Is it some type of pleasure? I don't know. All I know is that he can't make up what he thinks of me, and it is driving me insane. Literally, or at least more insane that I am. Well, no, I am not. Just depressed. Okay stop thinking of him. Janice and I (along with whoever else wants to go) are going boyhunting on Saturday. And I am going to have a good time. I am going to MAKE myself have a good time. I am going to find a great guy, I am going to laugh and enjoy myself with my friends who I love. For one day I am going to be the old me. I hope. I need this day. I need to remember what I was like last year, because as every day passes I forget more and more. Mark only looks at the one bad thing that happened between us, and that is what I am doing now with what happened recently. I am not going to, he was right when he says the hurt doesnt go away. It doesn't, the scars remain, but good things can cover it up, make it better. I'm going to search for those good things, and I pray that I find them. ..:Please Keep Me Close To Your Heart So Then Both Our Hearts Will Stay Warm Togather:. 1 comment|post comment

The First Time In a While [26 Mar 2003|07:23pm] [ mood | touched ] [ music | Carry You by Dispatch ] That is exactly what it is, the first time in a while that I have been almost happy. Not exactly 100%, but so so so much better. I love all of my friends, every one. I value all of you guys! I hope you know that. Lately I would look in the mirror, and I would see all of the familiar features, but when I looked in my eyes, I would see something different, unfamiliar. Like I was barely there, lost, somebody else in a foreign body. Not today. I looked in and I saw me, just me. I can't say I'm done with SIing (self injuring) but I know that something is different. A good different. The urges are less, and I hopefully can fight all of them...until there are none left. I can't be sure so there are no promises. I have been blessed with a good family and the most amazing friends a girl can have. Also, I am lucky to learn that people aren't always as they seem. Thank you, Meghan, for everything you said. I'm glad that there is no bad feelings between us anymore. The words you said, I won't forget them. Since we are not friends, it made it just all the more special. You have a big heart, and people like you are hard to come across. Your boyfriend (JohN??) is a very lucky guy. Next time you come down, we should all hang out. A bunch of your friends, and a bunch of mine. LoL. Well, enough of this sappy stuff. Before I get everbody sick. But just one more thing that I found:" When i find myself fading, I close my eyes and realize my friends are my energy." Talking of sick, I went to the doctor. I have some virus or whatever. Hopefully I get better enough to go to school tomarrow. Depends if I stay up most of the night like I did last because my throat hurt like there was no tomarrow. Well, I feel like talking to people, so maybe I will write more today, maybe not. I swear, 3-4 entries a day! Man I am gonna be on the list of the most active journals soon! 143 to everyone 1 comment|post comment

LMAO~well, not really [26 Mar 2003|10:52am] [ mood | numb ] [ music | Pretty Girl by SugarCult ] I forgot to put up my away message and Dan I'med me. He had read my last entry. Wonder why. Why did you, Dan? If you are reading this now, then why are you? YOU chose to not be a part of MY life...so why don't you go the fuck away? (wow I'm cursing, bet you never heard or saw that from me before) Cut all the connections to me...it is not that hard. You proved that. His away message is "Going to school to keep my mind off shit." Well, if that shit is me, then that is BS. I am NOTHING to you. Never was, not really. How long were you thinking about this? Pretending everything was fine...pretending that you cared? You don't care. I have 5 messages from him with my away message up. Guess I should read them really quickly. MeNAcE6996: haleigh......i talk to u on the phone for the past 2-3 weeks and we don't talk...long silences...if i'm in a distance relationship i wanna look foward to these conversations and have you open up to me. it's not your fault that they were like this we just didn't have the right chemistry for each other and ending our friendship? if anything I got closer to you and knowing you then i ever did in these 2 months and how could you want to just throw that away....i don't That was one of them! Bullshit DAN! You DO, YOU DID! We did talk on the phone, but lately things have been happening. Things I can't talk about. Not yet. I'm not strong enough. But if people care they stick through it. They stick through the hard times. And at the most it has been 2 weeks. So I AM SORRY DAN FOR BEING DEPRESSED. I AM GODDAM FUCKING SORRY! Chemistry is nothing. You have been LYING to me for who knows how long. Leading me on. Making me believe one thing, that you're there...but in truth it was all LIES. You never were. I was always alone. Always. You don't know me at all....not if you just said that. AND IF WE GOT CLOSE HOW COULD YOU SAY EVERYTHING YOU DID! You obviously had no idea who I was. I was thinking about finally telling you everything...trusting you. Then you pulled this. By the way MEGHAN imed me the other day. I'm sure she will be happy now. Goddam if I died tomarrow...you wouldn't care. You probably wouldn't even show up at the funeral. That is okay though. I don't hate you. I'm not mad at you. I am nothing to you. "Basically, I am dead to you." My List of People who would care if i died (at least a little) My family Dani Janice Adrienne Lisa Randi Mel Kevin post comment

Sick [26 Mar 2003|08:25am] [ mood | sick ] [ music | Dumb Girls by Lucy Woodward ] Home sick, and I had to wake up early because my cleaning lady is here. I tried to go back to sleep, but my throat hurts way to much. Ugg...I have to go to the doctor too. I hate the doctors. Oh well...so yea I'm officially single. My ex and I had gone on a "break" and it is over 100% since yesterday. I was the one to tell him I needed a break, because of everything (family, friends, Mark, etc). So yea, yesterday he was like "this just isn't working...it is not you." I just sat there, mouth opened thinking "there are 2 people in a relationship, you and me. Obviously if it is not you, then it IS me!" Can you say LAME? I didn't cry, though. During the "break" I had built a wall between my feelings and him. I knew that in the end it would be best. I could tell he was feeding me a bunch of lies, telling me all this "i care" crap and "stop doing this." But you never REALLY cared, did you? That is what I thought. You couldn't stick by me, could you, Dan? I wish you could have done it before, way before, long before. I could have been with someone who really cared about me, but I hesitated. Don't ever hesitate! So yeah, Dan, I missed out on something because of you...and all I got was "it's not you." Thanks. Thanks for abandoning me...that is all I have to "say." Another day. Nothing better to do, so I am going to read my 2 new mags my mom brought into my room this morning. post comment

maybe [25 Mar 2003|09:21pm] [ mood | determined ] [ music | Bang Bang by Dispatch ] I've decided I want my life back. Give me the strength to do it. One step at a time, Hal, one step at a time. By the way on my last entry I meant below not above. Also: thanks for never calling (u know who u r). Real sweet. Anyway, I am on the phone with Dani so I am gonna go, I also have to blow dry my hair. Love to all of you that are here for me. I took this quote and I really like it: every moment is a decision: Everytime i take another breath, i know that im making the decision to live I don't want to lose anyone else that I care about. I'm gonna be okay...at least for right now. post comment

Should Have Been in the one Above [25 Mar 2003|03:10pm] [ mood | calm ] [ music | same as b4 ] I don't know why this did not show up when I looked at it, so In case u did not see it either here it is (it goes at the way end): ~the ending does not mean I want to commit suicide...I don't. Not now anyway. But in truth, as every minute passes, we are a minute closer to death. You usually don't think about that though, and at that moment I actually felt it. Anyway, I just want to add, that I feel a little better. I still don't understand why they left me like that. Don't they know I need them more then ever? Doesn't my silence prove that? Do they have any idea? 1 comment|post comment

alone [25 Mar 2003|02:45pm] [ mood | blank ] [ music | Hate Every Beautiful Day by SugarCult ] Today something different happened. It was the end of the day and all of a sudden everything just felt different. The hall was completely crowded, everbody trying to get to their lockers: to catch the bus or go to practice. People brushed up against me, some saying hi, others not...and I felt alone. Surrounded by people, yet completely and totally alone. Voices sounded different and everything was a blur. I was walking, but inside was just...blank. I don't know why my friends bother. If they can leave me alone at lunch, they should be able to leave me alone altogether. I went to the bathroom, and when I came out they were gone. Alone. Thanks. I'm not mad. As I said to Randi, I can't be mad. But it hurt, before everything became nothing. Another thing, if you are going to talk about me, please lower your voices. I still have ears. Mental Institution, huh? Since I was left alone by my "good" friends I did not feel like talking to anyone else. Anyway, I sat down near my locker and wrote a poem. Here it is, not good, but I feel like putting it in here for the hell of it. ? I sit here With people all around. I fumble with my hands Looking at the ground. Although I am surrounded I feel all alone. I glance at all the faces That I once had known. Nothing is the same As it used to be. I would love to be anyone but me. I wish I could be happy like them. Living my life And just having fun. I stand up and take one more step One more breath. As every minute passes I get closer to my death. < post comment

Maybe [24 Mar 2003|08:54pm] [ mood | hopeful ] [ music | The General by Dispatch ] I read all of the comments I got, and it hurts me to know I am hurting others. It does. I do this just for me, but maybe I can try a little bit harder to stop. I can't make any promises that I will, but I will try to be more open and put more trust in my friends. It is hard for me, but I am doing a little of it with this journal. I joined this website about hurting yourself (can't remember the name...will try to and add it later in case anybody needs it) and it is helping in a way. I realize that there are so many people worse off then me. Maybe my last year self can come back. Maybe, Maybe not. I do know that I have some people I can really count on, and to each one of you: I value you very much. You are helping me stay alive one day at a time. In my poem I said how "outside I breath, but inside I die" or something like that. I stayed up last night writing it (it helped me to fall asleep) and everything I wrote is exactly how I felt at the time. I hope that tonight, if I feel like it, I can write a poem that is more...happy. Then share it with everyone tomarrow. We will have to wait and see. I hope tomarrow is a better day, and tonight my tears will be less! post comment

Down [24 Mar 2003|05:49pm] [ mood | depressed ] [ music | We Come Crashing Down by SugarCult ] Today was one of the worst days in a while. A couple of my friends let me down, one not bad and the other basically saying I'm not worth it (just like Mark). It hurt. So my fake smile and good composure crumpled in mere seconds. I could not look at anyone, nobody could talk to me. I knew if they did I would cry. I made the 15-minute bus ride to school, but once I got to my locker and my friend Janice said something, I broke down crying. I've never lost it like that in public, I am usually pretty good at pretending. The rest of the day went downhill. I would start to cry at random times, I had absolutely no control over myself. Actually, the more I tried to stop, the more I kept going. I wish I could be the cute, hyper, happy blonde that I was last year. Will I ever be her again? Or will the knife go deeper then planned and I die? Why ~Haleigh You wonder Why I do what I do. You tell me I am stupid too. There is a reason Why I inflict my own pain. I tell you I don’t That I have changed. Can’t you see Through all of my lies? Don’t you know How much I cry? This is the knife Held over my skin. I feel the pain And again I win. Blood Dripping down. Nothing Except that slight sound. I’ll tell you Why I cut. I’ll show you With my last trust. I can’t Do it anymore. There is no way That I can win this war. I go From day to day. What else Do you want me to say? I still walk, But inside me is dead. All I remember Is everything that was said. All I have left Is the blood to prove I’m alive. Outside I breathe But inside I die. 5 comments|post comment

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