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Tuesday, August 5th, 2003
1:08 pm - Work sucks!
Im gettin ready to go to work. I kissed her yesterday.... or at least I think I did... well life has its ups and downs...
I dont know what to expect and I guess I'll just have to wait and see, live my life one day at a time. Not waiting or expecting love but letting it happen. Well if all goes well at the party I'll either make a total ass of my self or have a great time, for I will be wasted off my ass as usual. I should have told Joe about Tim sooner, now he's really pissed and might kick the ever loving shit out of him. He deserved though, Joey loves Sarah and shouldn't have to worry aobut Tim taking her from him. Fuck the drama of this teenage life. Well it's all good in the hood if Tim doesn't even show up.

current mood: anxious
current music: Tony playing Closer To The Heart by Rush

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Friday, July 25th, 2003
3:06 pm - Stigma
And everything tumbles down around me,
Phone off the hook still left ringing.
Subtle monitor glow give light to a darkened basement wall.
Tell me what we can do for my friend here?
Can we stop his madness?
Ben always was a good kid,
Please don’t let him leave like this,
Broken and bitter.

(Fuck you, Fuck you, Fuck you)

Take your time with my mind,
And see if the stigma has increased my sense arbitrary belonging.
Masks of a hidden jungle Witch Doctor
Have become the faces of family and friends.
Become the lives of average teenage angst.
Bleed the ritual,
Fuck this Grand Order of Loneliness.
It’s all public access when you invite another into your life.

(Please stop this nonsense, come home to me Benny Boy. Come home)

The red is a metaphor of his anger toward another.
Blue is the meaning I have for my love.
What lies on this broken promise?
Is it a lost friend, a drunken rage, a euphoric aggravation?
What can be said to a man with nothing left but a tattered blanket and a cardboard box.
It’s all just a phase when it’s a lie to your parents and peer pressure sets in.
Oh may I be your friend?

(My God, why are you doing this Ben? You used to be so happy…)

Time is spread thin as rotten jam is on moldy toast.

My life is spread thick across an anonymous landscape.

We have become variable cornucopias of wasted emotion and lifeless flesh coverings.




Well if the insanity sets in I could always could become an abstract art Artiste!!

Ka, I know you saw my away message and I did not mean that toward you, it's just everything...

current mood: crazy
current music: Dashboard Confessionals - Screaming Infidelities

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Wednesday, July 23rd, 2003
10:19 pm - For Lyn
I am a fictional character locked in an animated cell.
Drawn between the lines of death and reality.
An ignorant fool and a lack of better words have taken what was once mine,
A friendship and a life.
These words could not save me if the sun came crashing down.
Yet they might give meaning to this superficial ghost town.
Sitting in the filth we all have bottled up inside,
While we masturbate this sense belonging.

Drink to my broken promise and let it bleed again.

Was I to free myself from this cartoon dungeon?
Or am I still just a moving picture
Drawn upon a blank page.
A small piece to the puzzle.
This poem could not save me if the walls came tumbling down.
Yet they might be the catalyst for the smile from a frown.
Seeing what was lost in our apathetic phone use,
While I reassemble the puzzle in my mind.

Drink to my apology and let me not sin again.

current mood: discontent
current music: None, song influenced by A.F.I. so I guess, Lost Souls - AFI

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Sunday, July 20th, 2003
3:03 am - Why...
I need to talk to her. She is the thing that makes me feel like the Goat, a goat that listens to Dashboard, but a tragic animal instinct non the less. The need for partner. All I ever wanted was for her to be happy, and if she is to be with another, I love her that much that I would see her finding love. As if that isn't enough drama to fuck two Soap stars, everyone is now wearing masks. I don't mean acctual masks, it's a metaphor, and please realize that from now on, I am using deeper meanings! Tony is wearing the "asshole, I'm alright, I can get over it" mask for Chelsea, Ryan is wearing the same for Ashley, Chelsea is wearing the "I need attention so I am to act depressed in front of Tony so I can fuck him over again" mask... I'm fucking sick of this arbitrary sense of belonging they all have. Their "group" is so jaded and lost that no one realizes they are truley scarring the one person who cares for all of their well being... Me. I wish everyone would put out their true emotion, not this Teenage attempt at depression and lonliness. YOU don't think I'm sad, or scared about the future, or wondering if I'll live love and not ruin it? Huh...?
"I'm missin' your love, how did you break, and when did your eyes begin to look fake? I hope your as happy as your pretending..." No other lyrics have been so true. Please, Ka, read this and know that I love you as a friend, as a companion when times get tough, and most of all as I always have, the only way I can, the only way you will let me... By being there for you.

current mood: sympathetic
current music: Swing Swing - The All American Rejects

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3:03 am - Why...
I need to talk to her. She is the thing that makes me feel like the Goat, a goat that listens to Dashboard, but a tragic animal instinct non the less. The need for partner. All I ever wanted was for her to be happy, and if she is to be with another, I love her that much that I would see her finding love. As if that isn't enough drama to fuck two Soap stars, everyone is now wearing masks. I don't mean acctual masks, it's a metaphor, and please realize that from now on, I am using deeper meanings! Tony is wearing the "asshole, I'm alright, I can get over it" mask for Chelsea, Ryan is wearing the same for Ashley, Chelsea is wearing the "I need attention so I am to act depressed in front of Tony so I can fuck him over again" mask... I'm fucking sick of this arbitrary sense of belonging they all have. Their "group" is so jaded and lost that no one realizes they are truley scarring the one person who cares for all of their well being... Me. I wish everyone would put out their true emotion, not this Teenage attempt at depression and lonliness. YOU don't think I'm sad, or scared about the future, or wondering if I'll live love and not ruin it? Huh...?
"I'm missin' your love, how did you break, and when did your eyes begin to look fake? I hope your as happy as your pretending..." No other lyrics have been so true. Please, Ka, read this and know that I love you as a friend, as a companion when times get tough, and most of all as I always have, the only way I can, the only way you will let me... By being there for you.

current mood: sympathetic
current music: Swing Swing - The All American Rejects

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2:45 am - Why...
I need to talk to her. She is the thing that makes me feel like the Goat, a goat that listens to Dashboard, but a tragic animal instinct non the less. The need for partner. All I ever wanted was for her to be happy, and if she is to be with another, I love her that much that I would see her finding love. As if that isn't enough drama to fuck two Soap stars, everyone is now wearing masks. I don't mean acctual masks, it's a metaphor, and please realize that from now on, I am using deeper meanings! Tony is wearing the "asshole, I'm alright, I can get over it" mask for Chelsea, Ryan is wearing the same for Ashley, Chelsea is wearing the "I need attention so I am to act depressed in front of Tony so I can fuck him over again" mask... I'm fucking sick of this arbitrary sense of belonging they all have. Their "group" is so jaded and lost that no one realizes they are truley scarring the one person who cares for all of their well being... Me. I wish everyone would put out their true emotion, not this Teenage attempt at depression and lonliness. YOU don't think I'm sad, or scared about the future, or wondering if I'll live love and not ruin it? Huh...?
"I'm missin' your love, how did you break, and when did your eyes begin to look fake? I hope your as happy as your pretending..." No other lyrics have been so true. Please, Ka, read this and know that I love you as a friend, as a companion when times get tough, and most of all as I always have, the only way I can, the only way you will let me... By being there for you.

current mood: rejuvenated
current music: Swing Swing - The All American Rejects

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Saturday, July 19th, 2003
4:45 am - If thee have the faith of a Goat...
I feel like a goat trapped in an exsitensial quandry, and the query would be to cross the to the other side of the hill area where the better grass is. Yet the problem is the notorious wolf lives on the other side. Its either stay here safe with this mediocre grass or take a chance and feast or die... Make the right decision.

This is my second outlook on life, an "Outlooking The Storm Pt. II"!

current mood: contemplative
current music: Alkaline Trio - Radio

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Thursday, July 17th, 2003
4:10 pm - AH, wow im not feeling good
It will be quite akward today, SHE is coming over right after I have told her. It all changed way too fast. Life is as strange and cliche as they have always said it was. Ive known that but even more so now. Ahhhhhhhhh, the Romano scream is quite a relaxing thing right now.

current mood: nauseated
current music: Rufio - Like A Prayer

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2:42 am - Outlooking The Storm
What else can we do to stop this perpetual change?
Loath in the nothing we've created,
The dark being,
The red of computer screen backgrounds?
There is nothing else except these important things,
Yet we still insist to ignore them.
Still vaguely teenage and high pitched voices
Echo through my brain.
It is not a case of being superficial or ignorant,
No, the dilemma is much more complex than that.
IT is the question man has been longing to find for so many years.
IT can only be found when achieving true Nirvana,
A higher state of consciousness.
Your average every day preacher will tell you that nothing exists outside the conventional realm.
The true test of God is choosing whether to believe one man's interpretation oh His word.
Oh, can you feel my heart getting stronger?
Or is it that ever-present hate that engulfs me now?
No matter, it will all be over soon.
It will all be the nightmare of a five year old boy,
terrified of becoming a man.
Yet what is a man measured by?
His car, his career path, his ability to mingle with the opposite sex?
All these things are less important in the eyes of God than we are in the public eye.
In the end it all amounts to absolutely nothing.
IT all comes down to how much one has cared for the man on the street with no clothes,
or the woman with the slit wrist, the stray animal with a limp.
Like I said, all these things are as important to Him,
as opposed to the Escalade parked in your driveway.
And as we sit here, naked,
loathing in the nothing we have created ,
we all realize that some one will dry their eyes crying over us at the end of the day.
We realize that all this anger/angst/tears/happiness/joy/euphoria/self cleansing
could be bottled and sold to millions,
and just maybe we brighten some ones day.
Is the bottle half full or half empty?
Consider it this way,
What else can we do to stop this perpetual change?

current mood: lonely
current music: Yellow - Coldplay

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Friday, July 11th, 2003
9:11 pm - Feeling Extremely Alone
Life is so strange, one minute you can be just chillin with some of your best friends, smoking a lil weed, and the next couple days you feel like shit over a the love of your life. She doesn't know and probably never will.

Here is a song that I have written recently, it is called "Tragic Ending Of The Aqualung Inside." It is quite angry and has the constant use of profanity, but I think it is great in it's own right. Well here it goes...


Trash it around and fail to realize the fact that it’s all that is keeping you together.
Just a needle digging into my skin,
Submission is a poor man’s best friend.
Just a doorway opening my chest,
See if the breaking has bled me.

SHE

I am poor and she is needy.
Does she realize these important things?
Dark room red and a thousand blank C.D.’s couldn’t even grasp things I’ve said.
Moronic behavior leads us nowhere until it’s an action of love at first sight.

When’s mine…

Have her, take him. Lied to again.
Last time I fall for your shit MOM.
Mother Nature you’ve dealt me the damnedest hand.
Let’s see how far I can go without breaking a bond, a love, and a life.

With my own two hands…

Spiral down where orchids grow and taste the fruit of happiness.
Go much further and you’ll see me, a broken and bitter man…
Where’s my escape…
Travel high and see your fate, your stairway to heaven, last right gate.
Travel higher and see fantasy is not what you’ve expected to see…

Bitch why have you done this again.
You lied.
You said you were different than the last.
You love for looks and superficial lives.
Realize what you’ve made me feel.
Apologize and I’ll make you eat your fucking words…

I’ve grown cold and numb.
This effect has yet to be of help,
I can get out by myself.
Yet to feel yet to spill guts out on you again.
Till its fucking over bitch,
A due…


Like I said, quite angry. I don't really know what is going on in my life. Has anybody else felt like they are lost in an existensial quandry caused by a massive inner emotional breakdown filled with lonliness and doubt and find that only your "friends", or whatever else you would like to call them, and the aid of illegal narcotics help heal the pain.... Probably not! (begins laughing histaricaly). Yea well with a lack of better words, I feel that way.

I live in Canton, Michigan, and if you live there you understand. It is probably one of the most boring places to be in all of Michigan, for a teenager that is. Oh yes I am 15 years old for those who are looking.
Well if you occupy Canton you also know it is one of the highest drug circulated city of most of upper class America. So that doesn't help much if you are one to go against peer pressure.

Ah, if there were only a better way of life.


Third eye
You are Third Eye

Nobody understands you, but you are very beautiful.
You often find yourself dreaming or using drugs
to get yourself to a higher state of reality.


What Tool Song Are You???
brought to you by Quizilla

Ah, and yes Tool is one of my favorite bands, so I know what i am talking about, lol.

Im out, PLEASE SOMBODY REPLY!!

current mood: sad
current music: Radiohead - Thinking About You

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8:18 pm - First entry
This is my first entry of my live journal, I will not disclose my name, all though some of you might know me( friends, family, ect.). So you will all know me know as Dead Inside, and if you are a Tool fan you will kow what I mean. Ah notthing really to say, I might have poison oak, which by the way hurts like no other than a mother fucker. Wow, ok. Well thats about it i have notthing more to say.

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