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something more than nothing

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ugh [20 Sep 2003|07:36pm]
happy birthday to me.
yeah, today has sucked...like every other birthday
i mean, i got a free huuuge tazoberry from starbucks, but that's about all the goodness that i've gotten today.
well, and boybashing. i got to do that.
andy & i broke up this past sunday & he has decided to not talk to me over the past couple of days. niice. way to remember yer best friends birthday. whatever.
i'm just being bitter right now.
& it's my party & i'll cry if i want to.
& i want to...
so i will.
1 looked up at the reflection above all those below

i must eliminate and change... [21 Jul 2003|04:32am]
[ mood | distressed ]
[ music | ~* art *~ taproot ]

yesterday's pains today

So, I know it's been a while since I've been back to give you all a glimpse into my life. First off I would like to say that I've missed you all muchly during my hiatus. ♥

Oki, so the news:
1) I have a job! Yay fer Blockbuster Video, which is turning into movie hell. I'm starting to hate that place with a passion. I get to work tons, which is a blessing and a burden but at least I'm not broke and I can rent 5 movies [or games fer that matter] a week fer free.
2) I have a boyfriend! The mate I was talking about in my last entry [yes, over a month ago] is the special sum1. We've been dating fer almost 2 months now.
3) I might not be returning to school in the fall. My dad messed up with my application to get help pay fer uni and now I have to come up with $4,818 before 21 August 2003 or else my classes will be dropped and I will be stuck living in hell and working in movie hell until after Christmas holidays.

I'm trying to cope with all this change, but it's really hard. I mean the job alone is alot. Then comes Andy [my boyfriend]. He and I have known each other fer ages now, it's been at least 5 years.

The situation with uni came up this week just past so I'm a bit overwhelmed by that still. I'm working on trying to get my money so I can go back.

Then it gets better. When I If I get to go back to uni, it's going to be tough financially. My dad stops working fer the company he's been working fer fer 13 years at the end of August and goes on disability. He'll be getting paid half as much as he does now and it's already hard fer the family to pay bills. So, my point is...we're going to be broke. Dead broke. I found that out the day I found about uni. Talk about too much happening at once. [Hence why the title of the entry is i must eliminate and change... ] I sat down and thought of all the things I could be grateful fer and made a list and also made a list of things that make me happy, just so I don't fall into this negativity that is around.

I am going to Warped Tour a week from todee! Oh and the bestest news ever....
Taproot is playing near me in a week and a day!
That's the coolest thing ever. I must call K and let her know. I need to find a way from the show to my house. It's about an hour or 2 away and I'll have to stay the nite before 'cause Warped Tour is in the same city as Taproot's playing. Exciting stuff I tell ya.

I hope that you all have been well since I've been away. I can't say that my reasoning was good or anything, but I really am sorry. Please feel free to drop me a comment or if you want the link to my journal at Diaryland do the same. [Leave a comment]

As fer now, I think I' off 'cause I'm pretty tired, but I promise to catch up with you all at sum point in time this week because I only work Tuesday morning and Sunday afternoon!
*hugs*

6 looked up at the reflection above all those below

well, i need to be around you... [09 Jun 2003|02:15pm]
[ mood | blah ]
[ music | ~* now *~ taproot ]

Uh...yeah. Things have been rather, interesting, since the last time I updated. I need to keep up with my journals and stuff...too much slacking.

Anyways, I still have no job...besides being lazy. I am supposed to be working at Blockbuster Video, should they ever decide to call me back. No word back from Pacific Sunwear. I guess I should stop by there in a bit...after I go to the library and return my book from the middle of MARCH that I checked out. Haha...oops? O:)

Getting to the interesting part...I've been hanging out with my mate...and things are really weird. Like, I know that he likes me and I like him...but I'm wondering if this is what I need. Romantic relationships usually aren't very healthy fer me...at all. I'm just going to take everything as it comes up...hopefully things will work out oki?

Sorry fer being so vague and all, I've got to run fer the moment, but decided to fill you all in on what's been doing on. Kat, I'm happy fer ya hunny! Dave, good luck on yer finals dear...I know you'll do fine! Nat...don't get starstruck TOOO much! <33 Nikki...I'll come rescue you if you want to run errands with meh.
Laters!

2 looked up at the reflection above all those below

i'm sorry for you... [26 May 2003|06:52am]
[ mood | awake ]
[ music | ~* like *~ taproot ]

like
I <3 like muchly. I don't remember quite where and when I got that link, but check it out! It's really spiffy. :)

This is the second day this week that I have been up ungodly early. I mean, damn, tis almost 7am and I haven't slept. Granted, I woke up at 2:45pm...but still, this is retarded! Oh wellz. I shall be oki, I hope. There's nothing I have to do today, so sleep is gooood! :)

Ugh, pointless babble...summer's still sucking...I need fer a certain band to stop being slack asses and hurry up and get their act together with the summer tour they're planning fer June/July!!! This shit suuuuuuckz!!! K and I have a new running joke now! It's gonna take me 2 years to get to go hang out with her! haha! Tis not our fault that C hasn't called and apparently we're not waiting fer her to call me before I come. S and the band need to get their shit together so I can figure out a time to come play when he's not there. Sooo, if C was to call and S and the band to get their shit together it will take approximately 2 years to happen! lmao.

I'm sleepy since I've been up fer a whole, uh, 17 hours or so, so I think I'm off to bed since insomnia is wasted on the young. hahahaha.

Laters.

up at the reflection above all those below

i'm seeing tunnel vision in a world that's dark and cold... [21 May 2003|12:04am]
[ mood | sad ]
[ music | ~* i [radio remix] *~ taproot ]

Gah, I've slacked off in here muchly. I am going to make a conscious effort to try to update here at least once a week, though I'm starting to run out of taproot song quotes to make as subjects. :P Anyways, I've been on holiday fer summer fer 11 days now and have been very unsuccessful at finding a job. I've applied to 17 places, only 7 of which are hiring...and I still haven't heard a damn word back yet. *sigh* tis quite a sad thing. I need a job!

I haven't bought Warped Tour tix yet because I'm broke...if I get the tix now, I'll only have less then $66.01 to my name fer the rest of the summer. :'( I'm not even sure how I'm going to get to Michigan now. Damn money, tis the root of all evil I tell you!

My mum and I have not been getting along well at all. Just seems like things have gotten worse of the past month or so between us. Things have been really stressful. I haven't been able to eat meat lately, so I'm doing the whole vegetarian thing, and my mum keeps feeding me meat anyways. I don't think my stomach can take much more of this bullshit though. I mean, it's been a good sport as of now, but it's not going to be this nice and not extremely painful fer much longer. She was talking shit about my mates and that's really not cool with me. I mean, these people have saved my live on several occasions and kept me from doing stupid shit! That and K is more of like a mum to me than she is...I mean, how fucked up is that, that sum1 in another state, 13+ hours away, can be more motherly to me than my own mum? Whatever, I'm sick of this shit. As soon as I get the chance, I'm outta here, fer good.

Eh, other than all of that, which I might have covered in the last entry, is all that has happened lately. Yeah, exciting... *rolls eyes*
Laters.
[ps: check out my new layout type thingie]

3 looked up at the reflection above all those below

spent so much time alone [07 May 2003|07:20pm]
[ mood | calm ]
[ music | jason mraz // sleep all day ]

Damn, I've taken a leave of absence from here. I just updated today_is_a_gift. I'm warning you , it's a loooooooong update! I had a lot to say.

As fer me, personally...well...things here have been strangely. I mean, things haven't been good fer a while. All every new day seems to bring is another set of problems and negativity. Today, however, has seemed to prove to be a bit different. Since 7 April things have been rough. Nightmares, bad shit happening, people starting fights with me, you name it...besides sum1 dying. Well, today I've been listening to Jason Mraz, which is DEFINATEY not anything like Taproot and the day has been pretty good. I got my taproot pics from Mimi in the mail from the shows at the Mean Fiddler, in England and from France. ohhh...they're sooooo goood!!!! If I get them scanned I will add them to pink_roses. Then I think I aced my Sociology final! And the guy from my class and I got to hang out fer a bit after the final. I walked back to his dorm as he went to get his books to sell back and he gave me a ride back to my dorm. I told him he could take a shorter route back to my dorm and he was like "It's such a nice day though, I figured we could take the scenic route back." Of course, being the smart ass that I am I was like so you could have to deal with my company fer that much longer and he said that he enjoys my company. Err...not good. There are no feelings to be shared with guys. I've gotten my ass in trouble fer that shit in the past. Sooo...I guess I'll be chillin by myself fer the last few days here. Summer holidays start this weekend. Fuuun. I'm not looking forward to going back home.

My summer plans consist of being home as little as possible. I'm going to visit Stephen's mum fer a bit over the summer. Yaaay! I'm 'cited! I just have to figure out when I'm going and how I am getting there. If I get one of Chad's cars, then I can drive. Otherwise I have to catch a flight up there, and I really don't want to ask her to pick me up from the airport...'specially if I'm coming up fer a show and to visit after. Oh well, I guess I'll have to deal with that whenever that time comes around...which will be next month. By then I should have enough money to go...*crosses fingers* I need to call sum places tomoz to secure sum jobs fer the break. Yes, that would be jobs. I'm broke as hell! I'm trying to think if I can pull of 3 jobs this summer. Shit, I'll do it if I can pull off the concerts and trips and stuff. As of now here's the line up fer summer plans:
10 May: Leave UNCW fer the summer
21 May: my friend's band opens fer Chevelle
26 May: concert in Philly???
30 May: my friend's band's cd release party
June: going to michigan
28 July: Warped Tour
Tis all fer now. But if you think about it, I'll only need 2 weeks and 3 days off of work. The Warped Tour and X-Fest [concert in Philly] are going to pretty much be all day festivals. I might not even go to Philly. Chances are looking slim. Plus, I'm not sure how long I'll be in Michigan! Oh well. Who knows.
I think I've made this long enough fer now. I think I'll come back and update tomorrow while I'm procrastinating packing and studying and such. I'll try to catch up on everyone's journals...at least the 2 entries while I'm at it!
Laters!

2 looked up at the reflection above all those below

i'm just a fuck-up [21 Apr 2003|02:17am]
[ mood | sad ]
[ music | ~* dragged down *~ taproot ]

Dragged Down is such a good song. Not fer me to hear at the moment, but still a good song. I've been slacking off in everything lately. Yay, go me. [/sarcasm]

I have, however, got a new mate over the past few weeks. [It'll be 3 weeks this Wednesday] She's so great. She sent me an IM asking me if I knew the name to the song TR's been playing before their set starts and it turns out that she's close to Phil and never really been mates with a "fan" as she says. Hahaha. She's the greatest...too bad she lives in Philly and I live in NC [almost in SC]. We've already talked on the phone several times and have come up with 3 horrible ideas to travel that will more than likely end up with us getting into trouble. We were planning on going to stalking sum1 out to Vegas next month, and then either I'm going to Philly, or she's coming here to see TR play and then we're going to Canada at the end of the summer! :) Oh, wait...we've talked about being stalkers and going to Germany too, haha. It's really scary though. I haven't been letting my fmates in lately, and all of a sudden I get this random IM 3 weeks ago to pretty much make a new best friend. Tis quite scary.

The best quotes between us:
"they pissed me off in their little slutamia outfits"
"stop being so depressooooooooooo you're cramping my style"
"you're in denial!"
-"i am not!"
"YES YOU ARE!"
"please tell me you were kidding about me going to the tennessee show and banging steve"
-"well, i mean, you should go....banging optional" [*jaw drops*]
As you can see, when we're paired together, nothing but trouble happens. haha

I think that's been the best thing that's happened in the past 2 weeks, talking to her almost everyday and getting my Deftones DVD's in the mail [and a package from my mum] in the mail last Wednesday and Thursday. :) K's not talking to me until I talk to one of her mates who's supposed to call me. I miss her muchly though. I understand and respect K soooooo much though, so I'm just going to be patient until her mate calls me. I still get to send her emails, it's just no IM's and phone calls and such. I understand there's alot of negativity and darkness in my life. I want it gone, and to be able to talk to her, but she and I both know that we aren't strong enough to handle this on our own...we need help. That's where her mate comes in. *sigh* I hope all this bad shit goes the hell away soon.

I've got an essay due tomoz that I've been trying to force myself to stare, but US History isn't sumthing that facinates me. Repulses? Yes. Disgusts? Yes. Interests? NEVER. Damn this country. Oh well. I suppose I'll be up until later than this time tomoz finishing the beast, if I can ever get it started. I suppose I'll try and wake up early to get my other business done so I can have most of the day to stress over the damn 4 page essay. I'm thinking it's going to be more like a 3 page essay with slightly large type... O:)

Off to cig a smokerette and then off to bed...wait. Off to clear off the bed, then cig a smokerette, and then off to bed. I must have sum place to sleep when I return. haha The product of my procrastination = one BIG mess.
laters.

up at the reflection above all those below

hanging by a thread [17 Apr 2003|01:05am]
[ mood | depressed ]
[ music | ~* like *~ taproot ]

Allo peoples. I know it's been a while. Things have just been realllly hectic lately and I think I fucked up on my LJ's and have let it be known that I have a Blurty and what the name of it is. Go me, I'm a fucking rocket scientist.

Enough of the railing on myself fer the moment. I just wanted to let everyone know that I'm still alive and kickin. Whether or not that's a good thing is another question. I honestly think that I'm on my way to losing my mind. The people I used to speak with when I get to be troubled have kind of...well...dropped of the face of the earth, so I've found myself painfully alone. I've been writing typing alot lately, but that doesn't seem to be helping me feel better. The dreams are back, and with a vengence as well. I've started having nightmares again, and nightmares in dreams even. I'm really starting to be bothered by all of this. I'm just hoping that it's been stress and that it will go away over holiday. Oh yeah, we're on holiday now fer Easter. I've not had anything to do [besides show up at a psychology experiment that ended up being cancelled] since Tuesday @ 2:30pm since my Sociology class had let out early after getting our exam grades back and watching a film. Hmm...I don't think anything else has gone on that's worth telling besides the fact that I've been living the worst day of my life fer the past 10 days [that is if today is going to be as bad as the others have been]. Eh, I think I'm off to try and calm my stomach, which has been growling and wrenching in pain fer the past hour and then fall into a nice hopefully peaceful slumber.
laters

1 looked up at the reflection above all those below

emotional times [10 Apr 2003|11:19pm]
[ mood | depressed ]
[ music | ~* emotional times*~ taproot ]

life sucks sometimes
friendships turn to lies
a hatred in disguise
it brings tears to my eyes
i can see the truth from the mutual side
in my mind confusion cripples me
into my element of control
unsureness

emotional times...i am just fine

trauma's etched in my mind
i can see it all the time
i've seen more than my share
of pain and suffering

i'm just fine
respecting something more than nothing
all the time
and it's time to move on

emotional times...i am just fine
emotional times...i am just fiiiiine

i have seen my faith sailing away
and i can see my faith's coming back to me
i can see it coming back to me
i can see it coming back to me
i can see it
i can taste it
i can live it
'cause i'm just FINE

emotional times...i am just fine
emotional times...i'm...just...fiiiiiine

[[goddamn these have been the worst two days ever]]

5 looked up at the reflection above all those below

when we can turn back time... [06 Apr 2003|01:34pm]
[ mood | bouncy ]
[ music | ~* time *~ taproot ]

Yeah. I've been forgetting to update in here about the show Tuesday, and since it's almost been a damn week, I thought now would be the right time to come back and update. lol.

Oki, it was a 3 hour drive to get to Virginia and as soon as we got into VA we got pulled. Shitty luck, I tell ya! We get to the venue and I go knock on the bus. I'm not loved enough cuz no one answered the door. :| We decided to go inside and get told that we can't bring in cigarettes, but we manage to get them in anyways, thanx to Sarah's boot. lol

When we finally get inside, Unloco was on stage finishing their set.. [we were listening to the first part of it outside while smoking one of our last cigarettes] It was good, but I think they forgot to do soundcheck cuz the sound quality was SHITTY. oh well.

Chevelle was on next and of course kicked ass. I can't believe this is the 3rd time I've seen them. I'm getting worn out of seeing them play live. :| Joe looked at me and Sarah and smiled. I guess he remembered me from the show they played at Ziggy's. :)

Taproot came on next, and despite Steve's lack of voice, they played a kick ass show. He didn't sing as well as he usually does, but hey, it's understandable. They played Mirror's Reflection, Myself, Breathe, Again & Again, Smile, Mine, I [and Steve walked all the way around the venue], Sumtimes [and Steve sang "and if I wasn't Steve I'd still just laugh at Steve"...lol], and Poem. It was great. I had to leave the floor during Sumtimes, though. I got my ass kicked. It was waay coolio watching the crowd and Steve interact during Poem. I wish I could have taken my camera in.

I went outside after that. There was NO way in hell i was seeing Disturbed again. They weren't that stunning live when I saw them the last time. Oh well. I hung outside fer a bit and met one of Mike's friends, Heather, who was there fer the show. She said that she was supposed to meet up with Mike and asked if I had seen him. I told her no, but that I was looking fer Steve and she and I started talking about where we're from and all that fun stuff. when she heard that I travelled so far she told me that I had to come hang out on the bus!

We waited fer Mike then decided to knock on the back window and he peeked out and let us on the bus! It was waay funny. Steve, Jarrod, and Eric and Cadaver [two of the techs] were chilling in the front lounge and Mike took us to the back lounge. Steve made a funny face at me on the way in.

Heather, Mike, and her friend and I chill in the back of the bus fer a bit and Steve decided to come back to come smoke a cigarette and spray sum Chloroceptic in his throat. I don't see how he could take the Chloroceptic, smoke and drink a beer. Ewwie. It wasn't even the green chloroceptic, it was the orange one...ewwwwwwwie. lol Steve and Mike ask me all these questions, ranging from where are you from to what do you do?, like work, or school and shit like that. They even asked me what I listen to besides them. lol. :) I got the lowdown on the tour and their feelings on David Draiman and Disturbed. I don't think I'm allowed to repeat any of that though. lol. We talked about playing pranks, we listened to music, talked about previous shows, watched the Deftones DVD thingie that the street team members get [and yes, I'm on the street team now], drank sum beer, and had a blast. I gave Steve his get well card from the message board. lol. That guy is a riot. He opened it and it's got this chicken on the front and it says "get well soon" and on the inside it's got the chicken saying "...and no matter what anyone tells you soup doesn't help!" lol. When he opened the card and said "hey! are you trying to say that i'm a cock?!" lmfao. I could have hit him fer that. I actually was playing like I was gonna hit him the whole time I was on the bus...lol. He laughed at me and braced himself, juuust in case I decided to. lol. I gave him the drawing....talk about sum1 being in awe. He couldn't believe it. or that I drew it all freehand. What can I say? I'm just good like that. :P He told me that he can't wait to get a frame. O.o Apparently he said that he's going to frame it. O.O Yeah. oki Stephen. Get yer eyes checked hunny. But yeah, it was a fun time hanging out on the bus with Mike and Stephen. good jokes, good pranks, good times. :)

The drive home sucked. Nothing happened. well...Sabby called, but I didn't answer the phone in time. :| It only played the first part of Again & Again [yes, I have a Taproot ringtone. Talk about being embarassed when my phone started ringing on the bus!] when it rang... I don't understand. Whatever. But we got back here at 5 am after leaving there at midnight. The boys were talking about getting ready to go when we were leaving. We drove past the bus and I climbed out the window of the jeep and yelled bye. lol. :) Steve looked at me funny again and said bye and I think I heard Mike say bye. lol.

All in all it was a wonderful time. Definately worth the 10 hours of driving that we did!! I wonder if Steve will be nice again and if Mike and will want to have peanut butter and vodka sandwiches with me next time?! lol.
laters!

6 looked up at the reflection above all those below

i fuckin love life [29 Mar 2003|06:32pm]
[ mood | depressed ]
[ music | ~* transparent *~ taproot ]

[/sarcasm] Umm yeah. *kiks tonsils* I think I'm dying. I've got tonsilitis again. The weekend gets better though. [/sarcasm] LoL. I hate my life. Can I remove these bitches now? Ya think getting trashed tonite would be oki? O.o
I've decided to change the lyrics of transparent to "i fucking HATE life" instead of "i fucking love life". Sum1 done lied to Stephen.
leave sum lovin...please?

9 looked up at the reflection above all those below

time [24 Mar 2003|09:30pm]
[ mood | depressed ]
[ music | ~* time *~ taproot ]

time fer another when rant. it's vicious. don't say that i didn't warn you.

up at the reflection above all those below

the lesson of being bored and na├»ve [24 Mar 2003|05:27pm]
[ mood | happy ]
[ music | ~* cosmopolitan bloss loss *~ glassjaw ]

Oki...so we've established that I get bored easily! :)
I've been on a journal spree lately. In the last entry I told you about my friends only journal: when.
Well, I decided instead of taking up all the space in here by posting pics that I would just create a photojournal. :) It's called pink_roses, after one of my favorite Glassjaw songs off of Worship & Tribute. "Cosmopolitan Blood Loss" was a lil too long to make it though. lol. Go check out the photojournal though. It's got a pic of me, my tattoo, and sum pics that I drew...there's an updated view of the pic I've been drawing if any of you have been curious. ;)
I'll come back with a life update sumtime!
Laters!

up at the reflection above all those below

physically i feel sumtimes i need seclusion to be free [24 Mar 2003|12:19am]
[ mood | depressed ]
[ music | ~* art *~ taproot ]

the irony at last i see
reality is my perception
and my personality is my reflection

i must eliminate and change
yesterday's pains today


how i ♥ art. well, it looks like i am going to be writing in here now more than ever. BLAH! My roommate found out about my friends only LJ so she added the name to her list and proceeded to bitch because she couldn't see the lovely rant I had written. Sooo, I'm going to be using here, and my other Blurty, when to keep everything. I'll letcha know if I start writing in when cuz it's friends only as well, but I don't have anything in there as of yet. Well...I might go add an entry after I'm done here. I still love all of you though that's why I'm letting you know of the other journal. Just leave a comment on there if you want me to add you or anything.

I got a few emails from my mum today. They were quite intertaining. The first was in response to one I had written her and she was saying how my dad was bitching about me calling her and sending her email. Well, sorry da if yer always working and everytime I call it seems like i'm bothering you. O_o Therefore I just don't call or write him anymore. It makes sense, no? Oh well, whatever. THEN mum sends me an email that's got this pic of my aunt...

NO FAIR!!! I want to visit the Taj Mahal as well! Everyone gets to go cool places except fer me. I mean, I've been to Trinidad when I was 2, but c'mon now. I was 2!!! I have no memories of being there except the knowledge of just being there. *sigh*

I'm out of here fer now. Leave a comment on the other journal though. I think there's going to be a loooooong rant. o_O
Laters.

3 looked up at the reflection above all those below

world that keeps on forgettin' the meaning of life [21 Mar 2003|08:37pm]
[ mood | apathetic ]
[ music | ~* cosmopolitan bloss loss *~ glassjaw ]

so tell me what's the price to pay for glory

damn, i ♥ finch. that quote's so true...i mean, really...what are we willing to sacrifice to win this war? from my understanding we are bombing innocent women and children as well as the men who are "responsible". blah. down with this war bullshit.

i wrote in my LJ yesterday about all the good things that have gone on this week, trying not to think about my cousins and friends out in the war. everytime i think about it i want to break down and cry...
here goes the end of week re-cap of good things:

+ xbelievedx said that she's gonna send me the black tr shirt with the moth on the front! :) *mwah* *grin*
+ sabby said that she has mailed a package to my house since the last one didn't make it! xoxo <333 [[yaaaay! goodies from england!!!]]
+ i got a copy of Meteora yesterday from my buddy whom i luv very very muchly! *hugs*
+ the cute guy in sociology was in class yesterday and asked me to walk with him to check mail and then i walked with him to th building his next class was in. he gave me his # and told me to give him a call later last nite. :)
+ got to spend quality time with the kristin [[my roomie]]
+ stopped stressing over [taproot breathe]
+ found out sum friends from home are coming down tonite to visit
+ kristin [[my roomie]] said that i can maaaaybe use her car to get to the taproot show!! [[that is, if i don't have any other way to go]]
+ my mate bobby is comin down next weekend with one of his mates to see Ludacris perform [yes, the rapper Ludacris is performing @ my uni O_o]
+ finally got to sleep today!!! :)
+ got an email from no_seatbelt earlier this week and she said that she's gonna write me another letter!!! [[yaaay fer mail!!!]]

umm...that's about it as of now. hope everyone has a good nite and a wonderful weekend. please be safe!
♥ laters.

3 looked up at the reflection above all those below

overbearing panic attack entrenching my brain [19 Mar 2003|03:36pm]
[ mood | depressed ]
[ music | ~* poem *~ taproot ]

Blah. I haven't been able to sleep again. Had another earlier today. These damn things have to stop! I have no clue what is triggering them, but whatever it is, it needs to go elsewhere. I'm sick of not being able to go out and have a few drinks at a party, or be around my friends when they're smoking, or even sleeping without having these damned panic attacks. At least they're not as bad as they used to be. I can at least tolerate them now, but I'd rather not deal with them at all. *growl*

I've been out of commission pretty much all day today. I've got soo much shit to do! This has to be the most inconvient day ever! Not to mention that it blows ass to be a girl... O_o. Yaay! [/sarcasm] Eh...I think I need sum more pain reliever, sum chocolate, and a backrub.

Off to try to be productive now.
Laters

up at the reflection above all those below

separating us all [19 Mar 2003|12:57am]
[ mood | depressed ]
[ music | ~* gift *~ taproot ]

I don't know why I was inspired to update with believed in the past entry, but tis done now. I've been rocking out to Gift all day. It's a nice change from rocking out to Welcome, which I have done since 25 October 2002 when I got the CD! I dunno what put me in the mood to listen to it, but oh well. I'm happy with my ADD musical taste fer the moment. I ♥ Gift.

Things have been going back to "blah" again. At least listening to Taproot is making me feel a bit better...but also worse in the same respect. I mean, it's 13 days until the show and I still have no earthly idea how the hell I am getting to and from the show. Jess has no clue how she and I are gonna pull this off either. I sent K an email waaaaay earlier telling her the bad news and asking her if this is sum sick twisted sign that I shouldn't be going to the show. I still haven't gotten a reply from her...yet. I should have just sent it to her work email...buuuut oh well, when she gets off of work tomoz she'll respond.

*starts freaking out* This is waaaaay weird...even fer me. It's almost like I fell asleep, but it wasn't. It's just like reality fell away and it just scared the shit outta me. Thank goddness I realized that sumthing wasn't cool or I would have slipped into a damn panic attack. The attacks have been getting worse and worse when they occur now. Definately NOT a comforting thought. I randomly start flinching when one is about to arrive...I woke up with my arm spazzing out before I went to class yeseterday. *sigh*

I was reading my journal that I've been scribbling down weird/important thoughts in there...yesterday I read a 4 page rant that I wrote. It's soo sad...it makes me feel sorrry fer myself, which is an accomplishment because I usually wouldn't give a damn about anything that has to do with me. I don't know what the hell is wrong with me, but sumthing definately isn't right.
Bah...off to step outside and indulge in a cancer stick...then off to bed. *gasp* Can it be true? Can I actually get to bed before 4 or 5 AM?!
Laters.

3 looked up at the reflection above all those below

live the whole damn story [19 Mar 2003|12:55am]
[ mood | depressed ]
[ music | ~* believed *~ taproot ]

frankly modest
speech dishonest
eyes upon us like a vulture in the sky
hovering carcass
moulding earth
filthy birth afterlife
friction based upon fiction
replacing friendship
untrueness
speculation
concentration
heresy is controlling us
all this flagrant foul stench upon us
overwhelming everybody like an imaginary forklift brother
you point your finger as a scolding motherfucker sucker
blaming evil upon another
under that pedestal you hold yourself so high above us
i can't imagine what it's like to not give a shit about nothin

lived the whole damn story
led in motion
peers are punished for their individuality
separating us all

i can't believe my friends would make such a lie
even though it was i that dishonored your trust
but it's done
i can't change the past
i am gonna make us last
just believe in my and i'll show you that they're nothing true
they point their fingers as a scolding motherfucker sucker
blaming evil upon another
under that pedestal they hold themsevles so high above us
i can't imagine what it's like to not a give a shit about nothin
but they're
frankly modest
speech dishonest
eyes upon us like a vulture in the sky

lived the whole damn story
led in motion
peers are being punished for their individuality
separating us all

you're frankly modest
your speech dishonest
your eyes upon us like a vulture in the sky
because you're, you're frankly modest
your speech dishonest
your eyes upon us like a vulture in the sky
lived, lived the whole damn story
led in motion
peers are being punished for their individuality
separating us all

lived the whole damn story
led in motion
peers are being punished for their individuality
separating us all

4 looked up at the reflection above all those below

i've seen more than my share of pain and suffering [18 Mar 2003|05:05pm]
[ mood | depressed ]
[ music | ~* breathe *~ taproot ]

Taproot: 14 days.
What did I find out last nite?! The transmission is Jess's jeep is fucking up. Which means...we have no transportation to go see Taproot!! *cries* WHY?! WHY NOW?! This is sooo not fair!!! I was really looking forward to the road trip up there and seeing the guys and hanging out with them again, and meeting Chevelle again [fer the third time] and seeing Disturbed once more. *sobs*

Other than that, nothing earth-shattering has gone on since I last updated. Oh wait. [taproot breathe] is about to kill me!!! Too much stress! I seriously woke up at 7:15 this morning [after going to bed at 4AM] laughing because of my nightmare about the site. I got so frustrated with it that I started messing up links and the layout and screwing up the tables and I started laughing like I had no sense! I woke up laughing hysterically. I scared myself! *embarrassed*

Oh well...off fer now to procrastinate writing this paper fer history. I've been working on the drawing a bit, but the damn hands have pissed me off so I stopped once more. And seeing as how we're not sure I'm gonna get there... o_O
Laters.

6 looked up at the reflection above all those below

i'll continue to do my best... [16 Mar 2003|06:59pm]
[ mood | sad ]
[ music | ~* breathe *~ taproot ]

Alrighty! The server fer [taproot breathe] is FINALLY back up so I've updated it a bit. Take a look and tell me what you think of it! :)

I also changed my kick ass pics page! It's now called mirror's reflection, and I changed the links at the bottom as well. If you go to gift of thought please don't laugh at me.

Back at school again...*sigh* I ended up kidnapping a book from the library back home so I can write my paper. Off to go get my laundry out of the dryer...it wasn't quite dried when I left home!
Oh well!
Laters!

4 looked up at the reflection above all those below

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