Manda's journal

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Wednesday, January 5th, 2005
12:12 am
good to have this journal for nostalgia purposes....if anyone is interested in the things i've said, check me out at www.livejournal.com/users/mezzomarie. as if.

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Thursday, August 5th, 2004
2:29 pm - stupid face
man, this sucks. i'm numb. literally, and i had to pay like 200 dollars to get this way. i suppose this could have been avoided if i just stopped drinking so much soda and flossing more than once a year. oh....just for those who don't catch on...i went to the dentist, and they found 5 cavities in my mouth. i only got 2 of them done today, and i gotta get 3 more done monday. now i'm pretty sure i have to endure my mother yelling at me for spending 475 dollars on my teeth. as well as any other expenses i've accumulated over the course of this summer. which means, i don't get to have fun money for quite some time. sigh...it never ends. hehe. meh, well i would be doing demos if my face were working. sigh. lamery.

then my sister calls me in tears because my mom told her that she's miserable over her getting married in may. i don't know what's going on with my mother. she's so.....upset about everything. perhaps "the pause" has struck her early. i don't think so though. hmm....odd. maybe it's my dad.....he is kind of an ass hole. i dunno...it just means more and more that i am ready to leave here.....NOW. sigh.

current mood: numb
current music: sonya marie - and i gave my love to you

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2:09 am - wow....boredom
this is weird. i haven't been bored in what feels like years. seriously i was sitting in Naples, and i was playing video games like i wasn't supposed to...and i suddenly was overcome by this feeling....i honestly had to sit and wonder about it for a few minutes because i was so confused. i realized i was bored. like seriously bored. i haven't felt like that in forever. it was even weirder that i couldn't tell that i was bored. what the hell, cutco...i don't even know what bored feels like anymore. i'm so upset. hehehe i suddenly was like nauseated, and my head felt all cloudy and i had to drive around to clear my head. so apparently i have no capacity to just sit around for more than an hour and do nothing, or it causes me pain. heh...amused.

i'm kinda feeling it a little bit right now, and i can tell because i'm sitting here awake at 2 am when i have to get up at 7....what the hell. i have been downloading music though. i'm pretty sure that's why i'm up.

i've discovered that i've become this big techno/trance music junkie. seriously...i think it's because Jake plays it at the office all the time, and they play it at meetings and stuff. i bet it has subliminal messages telling us to committ our lives to cutco. meh, i'm making money, and i love the people, so they can brainwash me all they want. mwahahahahahaha

current mood: enthralled
current music: o'jays - love train

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Monday, August 2nd, 2004
11:05 pm - yes....the trials of family
lately there's been a problem....a slight family problem, and it's just between me and....well.....me....because there's not too much i can do about it. it's about my dad. as of late, the ties between us have been less than favorable, because all he seems intent on doing is getting me the hell out of his life, so he can have more time with my mother. it's honestly as though he wants to get back all that time he wasted raising children. that's what it feels like with him.....it's not like it's been rewarding, it's just been a waste of his time, and he just dealt with it because my mom seemed to like us. all my life it's been more like i'm an employee of his whose job title is to clean my room and then stay the hell out of his way.

this isn't a new feeling i've been having....it started way back in England with the room cleaning. yes, it's every parent's job to harass their children about cleaning their rooms. and i admit, my room was an unholy mess....to the extent that i would be sick because of it. that's fine...i went through a bad patch. but, instead of saying it was ever good that i cleaned my room at all....all i heard about were the things about my room that weren't perfect. i might have had a slip of paper behind a desk, and he'd make me pick all that kind of menial stupid shit up. it was like he got this huge power trip from ordering me around, because my sister didn't give a shit what he said, and i was the child who he could force around because she just loved him that much and cared what he thought.

yeah i was a daddy's girl when i was preschool age. i would just sit for hours and watch him do things. exercising, putting his comics into plastic covers, playing nintendo. back then it was like he really treated us like we were his kids. he would play games with us, go outside and mess around with us, and it was awesome. but then it's like he gave up when we started to be more than just playmates. the second we actually started to grow up, it's like he just decided that we were suited for labor now, and play time was over. time for work to begin. that's what he had kids for, right? so he didn't have to do chores any more (and yes this is something he used to say to me) i always felt like i was the daughter left behind. my sister somehow didn't care when he started acting like this, but for some odd reason, he still had this effect on me, that made me feel like crap whenever i spoke to him. mostly because until i graduated high school, he never called me by my name. never. it's still strange to hear him say my name. he used to refer to me as "child", and other than that, the only reason he would ever say things to me would be if he was telling me to do something, or stop doing something. it was always an order, and he never felt the need to qualify me with a name.

so when i hit middle school i started calling him "that man", because i sure as hell wasn't gonna give him a title if he wasn't even gonna call me by my name. for years at this point he had been telling me and my sister to have our bags packed the day we turned 18. he was kicking us out on our 18th birthdays. at the time, i was only like 10 when he started saying these things, so i was like, ok dad, whatever. in retrospect, i think he was serious. sure he couldn't really kick us out literally, because we were still in high school when we turned 18, but i seriously think he gave up when we were 18. it was like, ok i've dealt with you as long as i've had to, now leave me alone and stop wasting my time. especially now, i think that is more true than ever.

it's always been competition with my dad.....he didn't have a good childhood...in fact it rather sucked from what i've heard. but while a lot of fathers will say "i want to give my children all the things i didn't have growing up" my dad went the "my kids have more than i did, so i have to make them feel bad for it." route. whenever my mom does things for us, he puts on this face and says lame things like "oh why do CHILDREN get to have that, and not me?" he's always competing with us for Mom's attention. i can't stand that. what kid has to fight with their dad over who mom cares about more? i don't think mom loves me and adrienne any more than she loves him....or if she does, it's definitely in a different way. but since i moved out, it just seems like he wants nothing but for us to leave him alone.

most recently i've been trying to figure out what to do with the stuff i don't need at the apartment right now. i want the stuff, just not until i get somewhere more permanent, so i can really decide what to get rid of. so i'm talking this over with mom, and i'm saying i want to leave stuff at the house, so they can just keep it in a room or something. and he turns to me and says "i know you don't think you're leaving stuff in MY house??" i proceed to explain exactly what i stated above.....he just gives this laugh and says he doesn't think so. i'm like, it's like 5 boxes....is your house going to be THAT full? then we're talking about me coming home for the summer so i can work in Tampa as a manager, and he just automatically shoots that idea down and outright says he doesn't want me staying with him. his excuse is my room will be dirty.....which is bullshit....this man does not want me sucking up his Karla Bailey time. so i just sarcastically suggest that i live in an apartment for the summer, and he clearly thinks that is a great idea. it's not like i'm that big of a burden now....i barely stay here.....i'll be there even less next summer.

the more i live with him, the more he becomes this sad old selfish man who kinda lived with me all my life. i hate feeling this way about someone who's my dad. and i think he would rather be shot than talk to me about it. i hate loving him so much, and yet he treats me like a pet....but i think he cared more about our dog. of course my sister has always said, ignore him, but i can't. i don't know why. I've tried, i really have. even adrienne said to my mom at some point "i don't think dad likes me very much". i feel the exact same way...only it hurts me more.....don't know why... i think it's because he's the family member who is the most like me in a lot of ways, but he would rather just sit and watch tv than be around me for extended periods of time. it's really kinda hard to qualify yourself as a person when one person who's supposed to love you unconditionally doesn't even care, and in fact seems pretty anxious to get you the hell away from him.

sigh....i guess i just have to wait until i'm not emotional about it to not feel so sad. that'll be good.

so.....for those of you who don't believe this man exists....you may not be too far from the truth.

current mood: sad
current music: Gumboots - mabele

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Monday, July 26th, 2004
11:04 pm - HOORAY!!!!!!!!!!
I just found out the bestest news ever!!!! my sister got engaged!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! yay!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
i'm so excited!!!!!!! whoopee!!!!!!!!
this is like the first engagement i actually agree with, as of late. oh yay. it's so weird though....she's my sister....and she's getting married. whoa. can't think of a comparison really. i dunno, i guess it's just a point of no return. we're really not kids any more. so weird. makes sense that she would be the married one first. see previous entry for why that is. hehehehehe well, not really so much of a why, just an explanation of my marathon singlehood.

hehehe honestly when i'm her age, i still don't see myself heading into that stage of life. i quite truthfully believe i'm gonna be the crazy lady at the end of the street who randomly comes outside to check the mail with her wig not entirely on her head, singing show tunes, and her makeup outlining all the features of her face....rather than being on them. hehehe. oh and i mustn't forget the cats. gonna have a ton of those. maybe i'll change it up and have a house full of ferrets, or gerbils. that would be groovy.......and all the neighborhood kids will dare each other to come into my yard, and tell stories about how i grabbed a kid and made him watch me do scenes from 42nd street for a week.

that's an amusing image....and something to look forward to.....hehehehheehehe amused.

current mood: happy
current music: sir mix a lot- baby got back

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Sunday, July 25th, 2004
11:46 pm
hey!! i've had my online journal for a year!! yay!!!! i'm gonna have ice cream to celebrate!

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11:42 pm - FREE TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!
It's official! i don't have to think about work any more tonight!!
i win!!!!!!!!
except i'm going to anyway, because that's all my life consists of right now. lame.
hehe
i'm pretty sure that means i'm this monster loser and stuff. i dunno, i'm starting to gradually work music back into my world, so it all works out. mostly. hehe. amused. mostly lately i've been dealing with that one girl from work who decided i'm her freakin soul mate or something. she doesn't make me annoyed as she previously did...now she just goes on about a guy she has a crush on....which changes every week. Now she's kinda settled on this one guy, and i say more power to her. i dunno...i feel kinda left out in the lines of office romance. i'm like...well damn...the only person i would even consider having a thing for is kinda a boss figure. heh...but no....

i know i would never get involved with an office guy, but it'd be nice to get an offer or something, sheesh. i hear about all these chicks who like these guys, and the guys who have things for these girls, and i'm like *sniff* no love. sad really. even the girl who really really likes me could potentially have someone. sigh. what the hell....yeah i've resigned myself to singlehood. not that i'm out like i need to have a boyfriend to complete me.....far from it...if that were the case, i'd have accepted any random offer by a "hollaatchoo" guy. i don't think i have the face of someone who examined the garbage disposal too closely....think anyway. blaaaaaaah.

it's all good though, i'm not gonna start sinking into some weird i need a boyfriend mode...that's not me. i really have no desire to waste time with those who aren't worth it. not that i'm saying all my relationships have to almost end in marriage. far from it. screw that shit. but, it would be nice to feel loved....not the way i know i am already loved...there's just a certain type of love that i've never quite gotten. given or received. it's an interesting thing. i talk to lots of people who have reached the 21 mark and most of them have been like, yeah i've been in love. i'm like, damn i missed the train. although i have to wonder if they actually were in love.....ie Jeff. lame ass. who's married. let's take bets on how many months that one lasts. uuuugh....he still makes me retch....i swear if he keeps freaking calling me, i might have to hurt him. it's like his brain is like "hey, i might have screwed her over, but we can still be friends!!!!:)" UUUUUGGGGHHHH.......do all men think like this????? i can't imagine that to be true.

maybe guys think i'm already attached. i can't imagine why anyone would think so. it's not like i wear any rings..i don't spend a lot of time talking about a man in particular, or calling someone more than once a day. maybe i give off a lesbian vibe. hmmm i'll have to look into that. ha amused.

current mood: calm
current music: Robert Miles - children

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Friday, July 23rd, 2004
12:57 am - on the road again
Yeah i had hoped that after that last entry, i would be able to sleep and get some rest. This i was not allowed to do. very upsetting. i was hoping to get some rest tomorrow, but there are a few things i have to do at the office. i almost cried....but that's ok...i'm definitely gonna get a day off next week sometime. really. dammit. heh thank you, Cutco, thank you so bloody much.
i'm sitting here watching vh1 and i should be asleep. but, i'm not. don't know why. i think i'm thirsty....i really am. hehe yeah it's good. just lettin all those faithful readers out there know what's happening with me. and now..........zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz..etc.

current mood: thirsty

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Saturday, July 17th, 2004
11:42 pm - yargh
yeah.....i once again had useful things to say. I haven't entirely figured out why i'm up. i have spent most of today sitting in my car dozing off as i drove on the interstate, and now i can't seem to be tired. lame...today was pretty scary though....i was driving on I 75 and i was really really dozing off....i have very little memory of the drive. i just know i was suddenly in tampa. very weird. don't know how i stayed on the road, really. so i decided to stay the hell off the interstate until i can get some decent sleep. heh....yeah. it's fine if i'm not on the long haul journeys. if it had been local driving, i don't think there would have been a problem, but that was kinda odd.

well, i'll have more accurate things to say later on, hehehe. amused. mostly because i don't wanna get on a rant about something or i'll be on here until like 2 am, and then where would i be....no better off than i was before. pleh...hehehe

current mood: groggy
current music: rocko's modern life theme

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Thursday, July 8th, 2004
11:48 pm - ?
Yes....i think that is the only way to describe my mood right now. I dunno what it is i'm feeling, but i know it's period related, and it's weird. that's about all i have to go on. hmmmm lemmie break down the events of today and try to figure it out.

started today at 6:45 this morning, called people at obscene times of the morning, got hung up on twice. i don't think that's what it was......

basically laid in bed all day....until about 2 when i had to start getting ready to go to Sarasota for the appointment that never was. but i have decided that i enjoy going to sarasota, so it works out. well, i have figured out a little bit about what i'm feeling.

there's this girl at work named Neka, and she has decided that i'm the best thing since sliced bread (sliced with the brilliant Cutco slicer....no more bread balls! tee hee hee) anyways.
she comes everywhere with me.....and i mean this literally. she has completely latched on to me, and has decided that everything i do, she must do. Now don't get me wrong, i like her, and i would probably like her a lot more if she weren't smothering me. this is something i've had for years though. as conceited as i'm sure it sounds, i've always had someone wherever i've lived that just attached his or herself to me at the hip. i don't know what it is about me, but honestly anywhere i've been since i lived in England, there's been someone who just loves the hell outta me and won't let me go. and for all this time, whatever person it was, i just instinctively pulled away from them. and suddenly being around that person makes me really uncomfortable. i have no idea what that is.
i'll never forget the time when i was in third grade, and i had been hanging out with this little girl who was like a year younger than me, and something happened where i said i couldn't hang out with her, or something...and she got this sad look on her face and said "but i love you"....i just remember getting this intense feeling of discomfort, and i didn't want to talk to her again, and i avoided her, and just looked the other way when she was around. i have no idea what that was, but i have had it ever since. i will forever remember it though, because it was the most uneasy feeling i have ever had. now it's not as bad, but it does make me a little uneasy when someone expresses intense emotion for me....of any kind.

but because of this, i am always associated with that person. for some odd reason, i have never liked being automatically associated with someone without myself consenting to the association. for instance, this week i was trying to make Neka feel better about the job, and help her through it because she's been struggling with it, so i spent like an hour and a half of my time standing in the parking lot with her talking her through her tears. then later Jake came by and was like "hey you guys are getting to be friends, aren't you?" she said yes! i kinda just stood there. that wasn't my intention at all. i know nothing was meant by it, but it bothered the hell outta me, and i don't know why. i've been like this for years. it's like i didn't feel like i was being FRIENDS with her, i was just being nice, and being me....but i get automatically associated with people. it happened in training, too....there was this girl who i was doing role playing with, and suddenly everyone in the office seemed to think we were bestest buddies. i dunno, it just bothered the hell outta me.

now i'm going through this thing where she's really starting to get on my grit, and i don't wanna say anything because she likes me so much. sigh. she's already talking about how much she's gonna miss me when i go back up to tallahassee. i swear i've only known this chick for like 2 weeks. sigh...i dunno. hopefully i'll feel less bothered later. because she's hoping she's gonna be in my room for the conference in St Augustine in 2 weeks. then she wants to get into the staff group i'm in, but that has a lot to do with how much of an 'elite group' it is. plus she has a crush on one of the guys in there. that's a whole nother thing that's bothering the hell outta me.

so she's got this crush on this guy in our office, and i can't say that he's not deserving of it....he's an awesome guy, and he happens to be hot. the only thing is, i have to hear about every little thing he says and does in regards to her. this bothered the hell outta me in high school.....and things haven't changed that much. i think it would be different if there were any chance in hell it could go anywhere. but, #1 we're not allowed office relationships........ #2 he doesn't really want a chick....which is the common theme among the more attractive men of the office...which i think is very intelligent of them. see previous rant about girlfriends.

i dunno...i think it's all the hormones, and i just need to ignore them for a little bit. actually i KNOW it's the hormones, because i was sitting there and suddenly i was like "sigh...i really want a boyfriend" then i realized what i was thinking and denied myself an ice cream sandwich for my idiocy. not to say that boyfriends are a bad thing to have, but i really don't see one in the cards for myself any time soon....or even before the year ends. i mean if i were getting offers from men other than these boo boo's who approach me at gas stations and ask if they can holla at me. i will never understand that.......what chick in the world goes for that line? i suppose there must be a few, otherwise men would STOP USING IT.....blech.... i mean really. i seriously sat down and thought about it....and i realized that a boyfriend sounds good on paper, but i'm not entirely sure there is anyone available to me that could groove me like that. meh i dunno. it's an odd thing. i suppose i could just hand out my number to random guys who ask for it, but i really would like to be attracted to someone, and the thing is, i rarely just get those on the spot attractions. of course i see those guys who i think are attractive, but i really wouldn't take it farther than that unless he did something that sparked my interest. hence the odds that i'm gonna just accept an offer from a random guy whom i know nothing of, are slim. unless i'm in a random mood one day. that does happen occasionally. i slip up because i'm bored.....can we say....patrick...? hahahahahahahaha that is pretty funny to think back on. heh amused.

i still haven't really figured out why i feel weird. hmmm.....

current mood: discontent
current music: Tchaikovsky - Piano concerto no.1 in B flat minor

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11:52 am
i think my uterus objects to me writing in here. Seriously...whenever i try, i get this stab of pain......so i'm gonna pay attention....

i didn't really have much to say...i'm just trying to feel like i'm doing something with my day.

to those men out there....................don't let me ever hear you complaining about pain.......ever...unless you broke something....you freaking wusses..................heheheheehehehehe

yeah this is about one of the only times i'll break things down between men and women. tis true...i'ma go now...hehe

current mood: bitchy
current music: shania twain commercial.....it's a conglomeration

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Tuesday, July 6th, 2004
10:37 pm - *sniff*
Yes, sniff, Amanda broke down and cried like a little girl today. It was about 50 % PMS, and 50% a really mean woman. yeah this job is prime for lame people....and it appears i have met a majority of them. heh i dunno, i don't blame her, she's seven months pregnant, and pregnant women have a tendency to be dicky. she just seemed to hate me as a person, and most of the people who decide to be a little dicky are objecting to the salesperson thing. she just was sick of me, and i was bothering her. I think that's what made me cry. I've never had someone be just irritated with ME before. Sigh....i really cried for like an hour. it was upsetting.

oh...... but this day didn't stop getting better.

i had a pretty good appointment with this guy in Dunedin...it was good times. pleh.

so then i'm heading home, and i decide that i'm really hungry, and there is no food in the apartment, so i go to Walmart to get some spaghetti or something. everything was fine, except for the fact that i thought my head was gonna fall off. so as i was leaving, i notice this guy sitting in his car with the door open. at first i thought nothing of it, but then i saw his face, and his eyes were kinda clamped shut, and his mouth was hanging open, and he for reals wasn't moviing. so i was like...ok, that's weird, but i didn't wanna say anything, because of my previous experiences with people today. so i went to my car and put all my stuff away, which takes me about 5 minutes. i drive past, and the door is still sitting open, and the guy is still sitting there like that.....
so i'm pretty sure he was not living....when i had passed by him. so i'm kinda upset with myself for not saying anything....but i was scared that he actually was dead....and that would scar me for life. then again, i think i'm gonna have the image of him sitting in that car like that for quite some time. i never want to see someone's face look like that again.

so this has been a day to either remember for long periods of time, or forget...i can't decide which. mer...to the max. i will definitely be having a fabulous day tomorrow. dammit....

current mood: crushed
current music: Sade - couldn't love you more

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Monday, July 5th, 2004
11:40 pm - moo
sometimes a person just has a little moo in them.....just gotta set it free. you know how it is. hehe

yeah i know i had things to say that were useful....i feel like i say that a lot, but it's true...i get some burst of need to say things on my journal....then i realize i'm too tired to use my brain to type useful things. ......hence the moo....yeah

current mood: apathetic
current music: i'm watching VH1....it varies....

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Tuesday, June 29th, 2004
11:21 pm - i did the Dew....and i liked it
yeah in case ya couldn't tell, i decided that it would be great fun to pump myself up late at night with Caffeine.....i haven't decided why yet. hmmm....yep....the thing also is that i have absolutely nothing to say. I mean, some dorky Cutco stuff brightened my day, but other than that, it's been pretty lame. yeah i know it gets tiring to hear about Cutco all the time, but the thing is, that's what's happening with me. i shit you not...that is ALL i do with my time these days. If i wasn't doing that, i'd be doing something lame at the mall or something. meh....that's not as fun. those people aren't as fun. the people i work with are wonderfully fun.

not to mention, i happen to work with a small group of highly attractive men...and i'm not the only person in the office to think this. we do have a strict no dating policy, which i think is great, but still, i like to sit back and admire sometimes. i discovered at a karaoke night a week ago that one of the attractive ones can SING....which peaked my interest a bit. hehe amused. that was good fun. so i'm involved with the first job i've ever had where i actually want to hang out with my coworkers after hours. not that we really have hours. but you get the drift.

For instance there's a 4th of july thing they're having that i'm going to.....only because i really really don't wanna sit and listen to my family bitch at me about how little my paychecks are, and how i should get another job. i have a big NO to say to that. they were fine back when i was pulling in 300 and 500 dollar checks, but now that i've kinda hit a wall, they're giving up on me. it was like this when i started, and now they're doing it again. i would get another job...i really would if i felt like this job was taking me nowhere, and i wouldn't be able to advance at all. but it's not like that. i really believe them when they tell me i could be a manager and make 15,000 dollars next summer. i really am good, i just have to find people who will respond to that.....favorably...heh....

yeah i think i'm gonna watch a movie or something....i should get to sleep....and that'll help.

current mood: mellow
current music: Lenny Kravitz - it ain't over till it's over

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Monday, June 28th, 2004
10:25 pm - it's all in the timing, folks
Man, i really should plan out when i'm gonna put things in here. seriously. i have been on the emotional tower of terror. one minute i'm like pissed as hell and need to type out some long rant that i'm gonna not care about tomorrow, and the next i'm just indifferent. sigh. i think the solution to this problem is that my parents should not provoke me into arguments when i'm in Hell Week...ie the week before my period starts. i'm already on some sort of an emotional front just dealing with my job...the last thing i need is my mom harassing me about money....telling me that i need to focus more on budgeting my money, but then turning around and telling me not to make money one of my main focuses when i'm working.

quite honestly money is the last thing i'm trying to think about while i'm in this state. I almost burst into tears today because these people didn't buy anything, and i didn't get to go to my other appointment because i spent too much time talking and having fun with them. i seriously was just welling up inside.....i'm glad they were nice, because if they had been of the meaner brand of people i've met, i think i would have burst out crying. sigh....damn it. right now i'm workin on getting recommendations....if i don't do that, i'll be stuck again later. so yeah. heh.

mer....damn it....mer......

current mood: weird
current music: Prince (when he was the symbol called the symbolic three) - shy

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6:14 am - oh sleep....why hast thou forsaken me?
hehe well here it is....6 in the freaking morning. awake. and i don't know why. I'm supposed to get up at 7. The boss types are supposed to call at 7:30...that's no biggie. but why has my body decided that i just don't need that extra hour of sleep. I went to bed at like 11:30. i see no reason why i should be awake right now. it's just not fair. The one day i get the chance to sleep in...ie sleep until 7:45, i have to be awake....for no good reason. I'm not even gonna start talking about random things.....that would give whatever is keeping me awake satisfaction. i'm gonna lay in bed for an hour and a half....just to be defiant....damn it.

current mood: bitchy
current music: Echobelly- dark therapy

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Sunday, June 27th, 2004
4:50 pm - girl you know it's true....oooo ooo oooo i love you...
Bring it back with the Milli Vanilli....that is one of the first Behind the Musics i ever saw....actually the very first one was Bette Midler....or was it MC Hammer....? i dunno...but those two, milli vanilli and vanilla ice were the behind the musics that i thought i was gonna have to gag myself with a spoon if i ever saw again. why doesn't VH1 do more of that show? How dearly do i miss it, and pop up video...had be cracking up and entertained for hours. but now they have Best Week ever, and I Love the 70's, 80's and 90's (July 12!) by the way, i'm back in Tampa....slacking off...i enjoy it. well, not really...because i'm busting my ass to try and get people to see in Tampa. Really...it's starting to get annoying. mer. but now it's storming, and my family thinks i'm gonna get fried through the computer....so i'll finish this ramble later....woooooo!

current mood: determined
current music: my mother's watching that horrid star wars movie again......

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10:08 am - woo naples
i have decided that i enjoy naples....but not when i have to be here scrambling for customers. i like my naples chill time. When my cousins aren't being lame, they're actually quite enjoyable. you just have to know how to work them. mwahahahahaha....hehehehe
yeah there was a reason i wanted to put things in here....i was flipping channels and i fell upon this man talking about all sorts of religion stuff....like on a gazillion channels on sunday....and he said some things that made me go ick....but now i don't really feel as strongly about it, so i don't wanna spend time typing it....perhaps another time...
then i was watching more tv and i came up with something else to say....but i've completely forgotten what that was....so i'm lame....
and now i've decided to mention that finish line commercial that features DDR....that made me laugh...it was totally amusing....if you haven't seen it, you should because it's fun. especially for those into the whole DDR thing...it's good to see it getting coverage by a store trendy people might go to. hehe. damn the trendies.
you know, what, i had some chocolate ice cream last night, and i swear it was the best thing to happen to me all week. as weird as that sounds, because i'm not a big chocolate junkie. i don't know why, but i saw it in the freezer, and i just suddenly went into MUST HAVE CHOCOLATE mode. which never happens, because once again i don't really like chocolate all that much. i have to agree with the notion that chocolate is better than sex. that was good times. i bet i had a better saturday night than a lot of people who did go out and get lots of sex. tee hee hee. not that i was doing sordid chocolate ice cream things, but just eating it gave me the biggest satisfaction ever...and i really have no idea why. I've eaten chocolate ice cream before....just not in a while...and i most definitely never crave it. weird. I must be pregnant. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA that's pretty funny. man...i should have a comedy club. heh. really...
so...um....chocolate ice cream is da bomb...for the moment....don't know why....yeah....weird.

current mood: curious
current music: i have no music...and i am sad

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Sunday, June 20th, 2004
6:33 pm
ergh........i just remembered.....i saw that horrid garfield movie. i have a hard time seeing why people have been praising it so much. i do believe i laughed twice throughout the entire thing. mostly because....it sucked....monkey balls. i dunno, i guess i'm too attached to the cartoon. but, it just......sucked....and i feel less smart for it. i mean really....ergh....i had to share....it just hurt me in a big way.

current mood: annoyed

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1:39 pm - yeah...here i am
as the subject implies...i'm sitting here, trying to decide what to do with myself. i have a few options...i could go knocking on the doors of all my neighbors trying to get presentations, or i could call people who wanted their knives serviced, but i have none of the materials to service them with. hmmm...i need to remember to do that tomorrow, order my sharpener. so i can finally get some play here in this town of Tampa. and even then, these people live nowhere near me. sigh...lame....but it's all good, i'm still enjoying the hell outta this job, dammit! it's funner than anything else i've done. Thanks to the car ride that wouldn't end, i have some pretty decent friends lined up around these parts. not that i don't love Joanie, but it feels nice to know other people who live here...with the exception of Brandon, but i still feel like if i called him, i'd be using him for recommendations. hehehe i'm horrid. Damn you, Cutco....damn you....
hehehe

while i was driving from orlando yesterday, my mind started wandering, and it fell upon a subject that may or may not have been me fearing for my life driving around crazy Orlando drivers. i was thinking, probably after some merv cut me off or something, about what heaven would be like. i really had a philosophical conversation with myself. it ranged from what happens when we die, to what about people who aren't christians, to what if what happens after death is boring, and there are some really pissed off ghost wandering around...which would explain hauntings. hehe...

first off, i pondered what happens when we die. i honestly questioned for a moment if there was such a thing as heaven, and maybe we all just kinda go to sleep. Is death like sleeping? it's an interesting thing, only you don't wake up. In that case there is little to fear, we all like to sleep. it's just a matter of going in pain for most people. I mean honestly, why do we have such a great fear of death? perhaps its just one of those things we'll never be able to probe with science, and thus we have no control over it. my greatest fear of death is really what it would do to people i left behind. After my aunt Krista died, for instance, i witnessed my whole family kinda collapse on itself. everyone kinda just lost a bit of themselves, and they'll never be the same. and i saw how much it crushed my mother, and i would never want that kind of pain for her again. i mean she's already lost one daughter, yes it was like 3 weeks after she was born, but that doesn't make it less painful. I would fear what my death would do to her or anyone else who cares. also, my fears are a little based in what i want to do with my life. i know i don't have any control over my dying, and that's fine with me, but i just can't stand the idea that i wouldn't get to do all the things i want to do with my life. true, i've done lots of them, but not nearly enough. not a huge worry though....i feel like i've at least impacted one person's life at some point in my existence, so it's been worth it.

then after that thought, i wondered what my brand of Heaven would be like. i mean i've kinda been formulating this idea for quite some time. after seeing movies like What Dreams May Come, i have to wonder what Heaven would be like. His heaven was a painting his wife did, and where they meant to spend the rest of their lives together. this view of heaven disturbed me. he was all alone with the exception of his dog and the one guy. i can't imagine any kind of heaven would be heaven without the people i love around me. then i see movies that show heaven as this big expanse of whiteness....what the hell...? what i have always been told about heaven is that it's the place where we are the most happy, and we can live out or own eternities in peace....but how can ya do that floating around in whiteness. and i know, this is only what we have to piece together about the afterlife, but sheesh, that's a little depressing. What dreams may come also raised another question for me. what about love and stuff? do we just sit around in heaven waiting for our loved ones to come to us? do we meet new people to love in Heaven? is being in Heaven like being alive, but with all the freedom we didn't have in life...and no fear of death, which is really one of the greatest freedoms we can have, in my opinion. it seems to me that there's no way heaven could be just constant bliss, and that's it. we have to have bad stuff so that we can enjoy the good stuff more. i dunno, it's just weird. I would want Heaven to be like life, just with more freedom, and more room to love people, because you don't have to worry about those people who are just out to get you.

this also raises another question as to what Hell is. sometimes i think that Hell is a place we came up with to scare people into submission. Pessimistic and probably very very anarchistic to be sure, but i dunno, i can really see it being that way. but, everything must have its catharsis, and Heaven's is Hell. I think this is why i'm having such a hard time committing to a certain religion. Most of them, i have found in my research, are based on systems of getting into heaven and staying out of hell. Honestly, that's what it boils down to. I can't imagine we were meant to live our lives this way. we have enough to worry about without a constant barrage of things saying everything we do is going to get us into Hell unless we basically live the lives of nuns and monks. and i know, not all religions are like this. i think there are certain things inside us all that tell us when something is just not right. i mean honestly, i can't condemn someone in my mind who makes a single mistake, and they're just doomed. i can't believe the world is this way. even murderers i think deserve a chance to be happy, but only if they truly want it, and that's between them and whoever they believe in.

my parents raised me to believe in whatever i wanted, that made me feel ok with life and the way it all works. to me, it's not that i need to go to church every Sunday, not that i have to go to Bible studies, or choose a religion at all. There are people who do all that, and still murder someone. it satisfies me to know there's someone or something watching over us, and trust that whoever it is will help us help ourselves. The religion thing works for a lot of people, and it gives them something to believe....i'm having a hard time committing to one. maybe i have committment issues. i dunno, when i've heard sermons and read about the different religions, i've never found one that i completely agree with. There's always something that i disagree with. i mean, the bible thing in general disturbs me because of the different perspectives in there. i mean just think about it...you play the pass it on game, and whatever the first person says is completely different from what the last person says....and that's just transferred through 30 people maybe. i think about all the years, and all the different people who have rewritten the bible, or other sacred texts, and i'm like....heeeey who could have just said...."uh yeah, that's what God said....i swear." even thinking about how people interpret poetry....people find the meaning in things that they want to find, it means something different to everyone.

This is why i have such a hard time with it....i'd rather have a personal kinda dialogue with God rather than what someone else told me He said....and my personal dialogue is what i feel. i just know the times when God is looking at me and thinking "Amanda you're a dumbass" and i look up at Him and say i know. hehe me and God, we're pals like that. hehehehe damn, that must sound like i'm uber blasphemer. i dunno, it's just how i feel. this is why Amanda needs to stop travelling....she has too much time to sit and think.

i think heaven is something different for everyone, quite honestly....some religions try to tell you precisely what it is, and how to get there. just isn't for me....and these religions just cast off people who aren't religious. ya know, at some point in our lives, religion is a conscious choice. some people were brought up not really having any contact with it, and if they don't reach that point of realization of some choice about religion before they die, does that mean they're sent to some hell for indecisive people? i can't imagine that a person who lives a really good life, but happens to not choose a religion, or have religion be a large part of his life, he's automatically going to hell. that's mervy.

for me, it's all about appreciation. i hear it so often, people telling me to appreciate what i have, telling me not to take anything for granted. i have decided to do just that....not take anything for granted....i think that's probably God's biggest complaint about people. lots of people are just working too hard to think about what they're working for...i mean truly working for....people working for retirement, so they can have some peace....ok sure...what then? working for their families, so they can be provided for....ok...what then? this is why people around school of music find me randomly sitting outside the Ampitheater either just sitting, or coloring, or reading, or something like that..it's my time to just sit and enjoy the world, and be grateful that it continues to function. It could seriously all just explode....i have been watching enough discovery channel to know that the universe is very delicate, and all it takes is one small shift to erase it all....pretty quickly. so ya know.....it's something to ponder.

hhehehe well there ya have it....the culmination of too many trips to Naples and Orlando. hehehehe i'm pretty much spent...heh amused.....i'ma go now

current mood: contemplative
current music: Tick Tick Boom - Real life.....ah how i melt

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