03:19am 04/01/2006
mood: listless
MY BLOODY HEAD HURTS. I bought two books today with some money I just left in my wallet. A book on India and an ACT prep book. Yeah, it's just great. The India book was a total impulse buy, haha. I'm actually gonna make an attempt at the bloody act...and the sat. Haha. Damned sat...fuckers pressuring my ass ever since 6th grade about that damned thing. Of course I lived in a demented culture of ranking by sat score. Madness you say? Basically all I know that were in the classes with me are illiterate hysterics that arent aware of their own existence. I'm certainly not suggesting I'm aware of my own existence, that's far too divine. I desperately wanted ONE alternative personality. Gees, and do u know where I found that? THOSE OF INFERIOR RACE AND INTELLECT! Bwahahahaha! Yes, I'm a self labeled race traitor. Hanged with chemical torture to conform to the ostensity of white superiority! No, they call it medicine...help, forgiveness, kindness, morality...

Now I've been on all kinds of shit. Shit that makes ur heart race, ur hands jitter, a general floating sensation, like for some reason, the damned christian god deems u unworthy of receiving the effects of gravitation. Yeah, why didnt my father come up with that one? Ur not worthy of gravitation! It's kinda hilarious, when in a bloody veral sparring match, ur own white father refers to you as "ol' boy" with the expression and intonation representing "nigger." Two white southern parents, and i'm white...and ur putting me on the drugs? Eh...accuse me of hallucinations all u want but u think i'm black? Riiiiight...damned fucker.

Of course every dissident male has been on anti psychotics...I'm no different. One made me binge eat. I couldnt walk for a week due to my stomach being so full. The residual effects are head jerks before sleep. My nightly neck seisures. The other made me pace back and fourth. Of course there's that stuff that makes ya have sexual side effects. Crying is a crime. They'll give you a pill for that. Makes ya stop immediately.

So, here I sit. I wanna talk about the person that's propped me up for the past, fuck, 5 years now...
She's the caringest, sweetest, most intelligent, most beautiful, most straightfoward person. Greatest friend ever.
Only positive influence in my life.

I live constantly missing her. It's not her that makes me angry, it's my impatience to finally get going with my life. I'll have to work on that.