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12th May 2003

10:02pm: Ok...haven't posted in a long time. My good friend just hung up on me on instant messenger...hopefully she's not annoyed with me. She did ask me if I was hyper much?...
So many things have changed I don't think I can begin to tell it all and don't want to.
But my boy and I are back together again and he doesn't like me calling him 'my boy'. So his name is Kevin. We are together and it is staying that way. Things are great and we've both learned alot about each other. It saddens me that I caused him so much pain by the things I did, but it will streangthen us and hopefully help us to get where we always wanted to be. He understands how much I can't live with rules and I understand that I can't do whatever I want....Let's face it, I was so messed up there for a while. Now I'm getting it together. I'm trying to focus on the two of us and trying to repair all the damage I have done.
So...tha'ts alot of it...all I want to say. see ya.
Current Mood: hyper
Current Music: nothing....tv which I'm not watching

27th April 2003

1:53am: Hey all. Hope your enjoying yourself. Who the hell am I talking to anyway, no one reads this shit.
Went to the movies tonight with my boy. We saw 'Anger Management' with Jack Nicholson and Adam Sandler. I laughed my ass off in places. It was very entertaining although the end was somewhat abrupt. Worth seeing.
I really missed talking to Trish though. What a trip huh? I would rather stay home at times than go out. There comes a point somtimes where you feel you've done everything.
Playing a rpg right now...am I addicted or what? It teaches me how to submerge myself into a charecter which has been hard for me in the past.
Well...I need to go...bye.
Current Mood: a little buzz
Current Music: sound of keyboard beside me.

24th April 2003

7:18pm: Hey...what's up?

Poor Trish...she is having to do some stupid bullshit that no one wants to do. Poor girl. I kept telling her to just let her eyes glaze over and think about tonight when we escape into our little dream world of fantasy. (and don't read anything into that)
Got a kick ass book yesterday of Ancient Egypt, it's a really nice one too...and on sale.
My boy read all these post and had a problem with me calling him 'my boy' . Damn...everything I say or write he takes the wrong way...well not everything, but to quote the lyrics from my favorite band The Mourning Glory, 'My girl reads between the lines, even when there's nothing to find' except I would say boy, hehe...well shit I guess you figured that out huh?
He's been really kick ass lately too but I wish he would quit digging for something, for meaning in everything I say or do. Sometimes I just need to get it out...it doesn't mean it's etched in stone. My mind changes like the wind when it comes to my emotions and where I am as far as good place, bad place. I wish he would except that about me. He is trying. It must be so hard for him. I don't think I could deal with my contradictory ass.
Current Mood: happy
Current Music: silence

22nd April 2003

9:06pm: Ahhhhh...Lilith. My favorite song in the entire world! I love The Mourning Glory.
Guys you have to check this music out. I came across it just by chance. I listened to an mp3 while wrestling with an umpalumpa then I decided I bought it and I was like 45 seconds into the song: Dance of the Gods, and I knew it was what I had been looking for. They kick ass! The music will mesmerize you one minute and the next they just rock! Some of their songs have an almost Egyptian sound them, which is what grabbed a hold of me and others are so erotically dark in the most unique way....damn...I can't put it into words.

I drive my friend crazy talking about them. But if you ever get the opportunity listen to them at mp3. They are unsigned and out of Chicago, a little goth some say a metal...it's cool. Some of there songs remind me of Mad Season, Pink Floyd, but they are completely unique in their own way...ok i'll shut up now. hehe
Current Mood: content

21st April 2003

3:03pm: Everything is cool right now. My boy pinned me against the wall and caught me in the final lie. I expected him to end it completely, although he did leave me a message saying, 'I don't want you anymore. You're a lying bitch.' It slapped me hard. It messed me up. I called him after trying for an hour. We are trying to work things out. Is it supposed to be this hard? It seems everything that comes out of my mouth he takes the wrong way.
My writing has suffered over this. I have to get back on track and soon. I'll have to make myself do it, even force the words if need be, just so I can get my groove back.
Talk soon.
Current Mood: chilled
Current Music: Change In the house of Flys - Defttones

12th April 2003

12:19pm: I meant to post yesterday but I got too busy. My boy and I went shopping yesterday and it was hard to talk. The night before he messaged me over and over. He was quite the mess. As if I have never been....yeah right. It's usually me that's the mess.
Thank God for my friend Trish. She doesn't realize how much her being there means to me.
My boy stayed over last night and left early this morning. He called early to tell me something that has shaken me all day and I haven't been able to get past it all day.
He's living with his best friend Ramon right now and if he hadn't come here last night he would have hung with Ramon. Ramon went to some friends house. There were about seven people there. There was a girl there and her ex-boyfriend walked in talking shit. This guy Brian asked him to leave, or told him rather. The ex-bofriend pulled out a gun and started blasting. When Ramon saw the gun he bolted for the back door and heard the shooting, shortly after he heard the sound of the guys car tearing out of there. Ramone walked in to find all of his friends shot, most were dead. He still doesn't know if Brian is alive or dead. Waiting..........
The ex-girlfriend had run out the front door. She said when her ex came out of the house he said, "I just shot everyone in there!" And he left. The sad thing is, the girl who's house it was had two kids about 4 and 5 sleeping....now they have no mother.
That's so fucked up! It makes me so mad. How can you just take innocent life like that. Take your own fucking life you stupid bastard! Not other lives that have so much to give and share with others.
So all I've thought about is had my boy and I fought last night...he would be with Ramon...had we decided to go out last night we could have both been with Ramon...what if I had lost him...what then????? Is this real? It's like out of a movie. Imagine hearing it...imagine seeing your friends layed out everywhere on the floor, shot and bleeding. It must have swallowed Ramon completely. None of those people even knew that stupid son of a bitch, they were just in the wrong place.
What is scary is my boy said he can understand feeling that way, the way the ex did. How scary is that? Do I make him that crazy? Why would you want to be with someone if they make you that crazy? I can't say anymore about it...it's too jacked up! We all need to wake up...what is important? Do we even know...yes we know...we just need to pay attention. Fuck all material things...well not all. A big ass house can't make you happy...I know...it hasn't. Write your shit down people...leave your mark...make someone notice..even if it's just one person. Make them notice with a poem, a story, lyrics, a kind word, even a fuck you I'm not in the mood but don't take it personally, anything...now, not later because later may never come.
See ya.
Current Mood: freaked out
Current Music: Sublime

9th April 2003

8:26pm: This is the third damn time I have tried to post in my journal....I get on and my computer just fucking shuts down and then restarts....what the hell is that????
Screw it....not even in the mood now.....
Current Mood: tired and annoyed
Current Music: audioslave

8th April 2003

11:40am: Been writing a little. And thinking about the tattoo I will soon be getting, it will be something tasteful and I'm sure it will be Egyptian...sinse I love that stuff so much...not sure why. I've always been drawn to it since I was a little girl. Any way I'm thinking about the eye of Horus...not sure though.
I'll be leaving to go see my boy in a few. Excited and nervous because his best friend will be there. He's a good guy but you have to take someones side right? I'm wondering if he'll give me that 'your a sinner' look. It shouldn't matter anyway...but his opinion does affect my boy I'm sure.
Well got to go. Have to get my mind in the right place. Bye
Current Mood: nervous
Current Music: The Mourning Glory

7th April 2003

12:28am: ok...so alot has happened since last time. I had sent the boy away. Well did he have a curve ball for me.
He shows up the following night with a poem and a long letter. The poem was that he was the beast, and he couldn't be my beast anymore...ok the letter well he wrote that he loved me too much and I didn't love him enough. He said I was too scared to end it. That it hurt him too much to wait on me to make a decision so he was walking away.
I sat there and couldn't speak...the bastard I thought. Yes I was asking alot of him, to wait and let me sort things out but I dealt with it for years. "please let's do something together, please acknowledge me, please love me" I would beg, and not a damn thing. Did I walk? Hell no...I adapted. And now he wonderes why I'm so numb towards him, so distant.
I went outside to smoke and there was no wind, no horns, no sirens, no nothing. It was as if the silence was biting at me saying, "is this what you want? He gets it now, he understands the scars he gave you. He wants you now...are you just going to sit there?" I sat, I smoked, I thought of his tears, his pleads and then it began to rain. I just shook my head, turned it off and went inside.
I role played for a few hours and went to bed about 3:00 A.M. I couldn't sleep and all I thought about was having him back in 'our' bed. I didn't want to call him but my body just rose and got the phone. When he answered I listened to his relieved sobs. Then his anger, "why did you call me? I finally was strong damn you. And you had to fuck it up with one call." I lisntened and then the emotion had me. He listened to my sobs and as the prince he is he couldn't listen to me cry. "I will come and comfort you and hold you. So he did. We lisntened to the rain and the soft thunder together.
So now what you ask. Well I don't know...time will tell. There is still a great amount of love.
Current Mood: disappointed
Current Music: The Used

5th April 2003

10:27am: Thinking about last night. I had to send my boy away as much as I wanted him to stay it would only have complicated things even more. I have to come to a decision soon. He won't wait around forever. *sighs* He's already pulling away.
I'm always amazed at the power I still hold over him. I'm not sure I like it. It only makes things worse.
I want to write a poem today but I can't seem to get my thoughts in order. I have a story that needs to be finished but can't bring myself to finish it. ARGH!
Current Mood: fluxuating
Current Music: 'Amber is the color of your Energy' who is this?

3rd April 2003

4:58pm: Setting this thing up...but nothing to say at this moment.
Current Mood: anxious
Current Music: aerosmith (inside the music)
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