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So. I have been thinking a lot. And I am really scared of how things are going to change. I mean I look bad 2 years ago, and I don't even recognize myself. I am so scared I am going to change again, and that everything and everyone is going to change. I don't want to graduate. I have been thinking about that. High school is my little safety net. I feel safe. College is going to be a whole different new big thing, and I don't want that. Just the thought of college makes me so scared. 2 years, I won't have James, I won't have my friends. I will be all alone. I will have to start over from scratch to make my way through college only to restart once I graduate from college. I hate that. Constant building things just to break. You make friends to lose them, fall in love to break or a heart or get yours broken. It is constant. I just wish something would stay the same. I've been stressing about James a lot for some reason though. The future scares the fucking shit out of me, and all I can think about is losing him. It is bound to happen. I just don't know when yet or how. But I know it will end with me being a wreck again, which makes me think why am I even bothering when I will just be left in the same state (if not worse) I was in 4 months ago when we broke up last time. Three days ago my aunt went to the doctor. She kept having chest pains. They took an x-ray, and we found out she has a tumor. It is in a place in her heart where they can operate, but its still dangerous. Everyone says it is hopeful because ussually you find a tumor after someone has a stroke or a heart attack, but they found it sooner. I am thankful for that. I love my family so much. If something happened like that I would die. My mom would be devestated I know. I am just going to pray for the best. I'm really sorry I have been so psycho lately. Just everything seems so big now. I have been so on edge this whole week. And I apologize to you guys. I just feel really lost right now. |
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melancholy.