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now that i've gotten that mess outta the way, i can update you guys on how much i fucked up today!!
alright, now, i've "spent the night" at  reenie's house [or we could just say chris] about 4-5 x's now. so, i did it again last night... had fun, blah blah blah, you guys know the story... well, i get a phone call this morning at 10:40 ..
hello?
hey, where you at?
renée's
i thought you were gonna come home early today.
yea, when i woke up.
so where's your car? its not outside renee's house.
....
FUCK!!
so i'm screwed. but, i pulled my ass out of it i think.... parents haven't been OVERLY bitchy today, lol...
but anyways, let me talk about some good news.
while i was over at chris' we for the 1st time talked about that dreaded word "marriage". we didn't talk about us actually doing it, but we were doing the whole 'are we THAT serious?' kinda stuff. but yea, he was saying stuff like, if we do stay together for a long time, would i not want to do that, considering the fact that when i'm 20 he'll already be 25, and that he thinks i'll look to him like an old man... blah blah blah u know what i mean. and he was saying that, u know, when i turn 20 i'm gonna want to party still for a while, i'm not going to want to be tied down when he's gonna be ready for that. but.... i dunno, my personal feelings on that whole situation, if we're still together in 3 years, why wouldn't i want to be married to him? u know? just b/c we would be married, doesn't mean we can't still party a bit and have fun...its not like being married means you automatically act like you're 40 already! hehe...i think 20 ~ 23 are the good ages to get married being a girl, maybe not to have kids, but to get married i think those are good ages... just my opinion.
but yea, that whole convo's been on my mind today.... he also told me that he thinks he's been caring about me alot more too since we said 'i <3 you'... like more and more everyday XD. plz, someone tell me, thats kinda weird for a guy to be sweet like that, right? lol and i'm 99.999999% sure that he's not lying about that either, he hasn't had feelings for someone like me in 5 years...
for some reason i was getting kinda worried about it too b/c, ok.... our relationship practically has NO problems, it really doesn't except for maybe the age difference... but even in that aspect, neither of us act our age, we get along awesome, but what if he just wants to break up w/ me after a while b/c he doesn't think we're gonna work out in the long run? but even then, if he really does mean all the things he says to me, theres just about no WAY he would just break up w/ me b/c he thinks i will be the one losing interest. i personally don't see anything wrong w/ me being 20 when he's 25, its not like its that HUGE of a difference, he's not that much older then me, i think we would be just fine. i mean, he's already right now getting his life on the track he wants, moved out, has a steady job... has a career planned out...
and i do too... this is my last year of high school, i plan on trying my best to get that bright future scholarship so i can go to USF, but even if i dont get that, i know what i plan on doing so i can STILL go... i've already started planning out my future too. we're basically in the same area, he just has a bit of a head start to me, heh.
but anyway, the point of my rambling to this is that i want to be with chris for a LONG time, he's the best person to enter my life, i never want to lose him, and i don't think really that our little age difference matters now or later. get me?
---ashley---
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confused
frustrated