katy's Blurty Entries [entries|friends|calendar]

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[10 Apr 2003|09:41pm]
[ mood | crushed ]

We didn't argue. He was just pissed and didn't say anything. I kept my jacket on the whole time we played, but I took it off while I was waiting for them to come and get me. Grom made a joke about how he was going to start a fund raiser to raise money for the rest of my outfit and my dad got pissed. He bitched my mom out for letting me wear it and then she came up while I was changing and she told me not to wear it anymore. I felt really cute.
Everyone liked it. :O( How was work? You don't have to work tomorrow????? Why? Please tell me *booming voice*. You have to admit that was kind of funny.
Are you laughing about the picture I took for you?
i do noy talk through a comp when you are 1 inch away why not?
* * *
I guess it seems like nothing is ever good enough. I can't win.

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[10 Apr 2003|05:19pm]
[ mood | content ]
[ music | Part of That World-Little Mermaid ]

Today we had practice for Mayfestival, and it went pretty well. I was actually surprised, because I was scared before it started, I didn't want to make an idiot of myself. But the music was fairly easy and the director is great. He's funny and nice, and doesn't get real mad easy, but when he does, he explains it.
I had a really disturbing dream last night. I don't remember the details, or really even the structure, so I won't put it in here. However, it was disturbing.
We have another Jazz Band performance tonight, so I should get ready, well in a little bit. Maybe I'll post later.

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[07 Apr 2003|05:33pm]
[ mood | okay ]
[ music | some of my dad's weird stuff ]

Which Avril Lavigne Song Are You?

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[02 Apr 2003|09:01pm]
[ mood | scared ]

I had an okay day today. We met with Mrs. Bennet, Mrs. Farmer and Mr. Latona. The biggest waste of time, but I'm dropping AP History, and getting a study hall. I'm going to take it in summer school. I'm looking forward to my study hall tomorrow, oh. Nevermind. I don't have classes tomorrow. Gotta love Jazz. Okay, so, I'm looking forward to my study hall on Monday. *lol*
I just finished watching The Ring. And now I'm sufficiently terrified. I don't usually get scared from movies. I need my boyfriend. :O( I think I'm going to be dealing with a new kind of nightmare tonight.

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never mentions the word addiction [30 Mar 2003|01:09pm]
[ mood | tired ]
[ music | she talks to angels ]

Yesterday was the cast party, after the musical. We stayed for like 45 minutes. I started being an idiot and cried, so we left. It really sucked though, I was being very stupid. I was watching everybody be all cute and huggy...and taking group pictures and stuff, and I felt really left out, and I was getting mad. I don't even know why I wanted to be included, I realized I hate those people. But why do I hate them? Because they're happy. Healthy? No. But all I could think the whole night was that I wanted to ruin their party. I wanted to go into the bathroom and slit my wrists and ruin their stupid party. That would shake them up wouldn't it?
Then it really hit me hard when I saw Diego walk by and Anthony followed him, and he looked so happy. I wanted to kill them all. I hate happy people. I guess I'm jealous. And that's not really like me. So that ticks me off all on top of that.
Rudy is being adorable on my lap, so I think I'll get goin.

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[27 Mar 2003|10:02am]
Got my report card, got a 3.0. I guess that's good. I got a D in both my honors classes. THat shows I need out of them, huh? Now I'm giving up in Math too. But Danny will be helping me after the play is over, so, that'll probably change. I like that I could totally igve up in History and still pass, but I wouldn't be able to do that this grading period. I want out of there so bad! I want out of school period, but eh.
Bought a lot of movies yesterday. Roadtrip, The Vampire Lovers, THe Ninth Gate, Pitch Black, The Virgin Suicides, and Girl, Interrupted. I'm excited about that one. I'll probably watch that like 500 times while Danny is in New York. Speaking of, that going to suck majorly. Maybe I'll do something with Missy or Allison. That's so next week though.
WE've got some Jazz things to go to and I"m going to be stranded. Stranded at the Drive IN! *hehe* Not quite. I have to tell my parents about that now. Week ahead of time...blah blah blah...Not much more to say.
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[26 Mar 2003|09:00am]
Today is the preview of the play for the elementary kids, we get out of 4-8 period I guess. I wish it was 3rd period too. I hate math. I haven't done my work for a few days. OH well, so much for the "starting over" in the 4th grading period thing. THat schedule cange we're trying to work out is looking really nice about now.
I had the flu or something yesterday. I don't know if I was sick or if I was reacting to taking two birth control pills in one day, I think I might have been sick though.
I had that dream about brittany two nights in a row, and last night I dreampt about her again. I wish she would drop off the face of the earth, we seriously need some Total Recall going on here. Brainwash me or soemthing. Gah! I hate her, I hate her, I hate her!!! Brittany
I wish that made me feel better, but it doesn't.
Wow, I really don't want to go to Math. I liked Geometry, but now we're not doing that anymore, and i'm lost at sea.
Courtney came into class today, she had her baby, its a boy. I think its nice that she's keeping him.
Why am I so anti-Danny?! I hate this. its supposed to be temporary. Its supposed to go away. Why don't I want him anymore??
Great. Now I feel like crap again. And I haven't even gotten to the other night. Bell's going to ring soon. I'll write more in math.
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[22 Mar 2003|06:39pm]
Watching Dante's Peak...excellent movie, I"m having an okay day. I went dress shopping with Mom, went to Flower Child, got a really cool swing dress, some dresses for prom, and Nate and Chanda's wedding, (eek). Not looking foward to that one. Holy cow, that is a broke arm right there, I can't possibly see how this movie can end happily.
I had some pretty nasty dreams last night. One about Brittany, she wanted to be my friend again, and she was being so nice, but I just kept screaming "I HATE YOU!!". And then some dream where I guess Danny and I were fighting and I was saying that I didn't know if we would still get married. That shook me up a little. I don't know what to think of it, but we might to Lembo's for dinner, so I'll get to see him. I'm excited?
* * * *
We had another college talk. I thate those, but I can't help it, I keep thinking about it. I can't function without him and that scares me. I want to just run away and get married and not have worry about it anymore. I don't want to start crying again.
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[21 Mar 2003|09:01pm]
I am a caged canary
I pretend to love to sing
But now the cage is broken
And torn is my wing
My broken cage, it taunts me
For still I cannot escape
And I don't ever think
Again I'll ever try to sing

I just had a really spectacular idea. Coming home from the wing place after my aunt Sandee proceeded to tell me I'm not alone, I thought it would be cool to save all my journals and publish them, with my poems. Pretty spiffy, if I do say so myself. Since I already have to keep a journal for Dr. Stoops.
I had another bad day today, and once again, thought "Why do I put up with this?!" followed shortly after by "If I try again, it better work" Blah blah blah. Its the same everyday. I guess its a plus I didn't cry today even though I came pretty close.
Yesterday was kind of crappy too, after the appt with Dr. Sterling (which went quite well) I went back to school in a crappy mood. Its not really even my grades anymore, I got a D in English, I just really can't stand it.
Today I came pretty close to beating the snot out of Brittany, but thought twice because I would have gotten in lots of trouble, but then thought a third time, because I really didn't care, I figured it would have been worth it. SO as it turns out, I didn't, I still wish I had.
So I'm getting kind of tired, and since Danny's got the family thing to do tonight (Happy Birthday Andy) I'm stranded at home, so I'll probably get to bed. Maybe read a little of my book (James Patterson....Have my babies)
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i'm about to lose control, and i think i like it [02 Mar 2003|02:19pm]
[ mood | bitchy ]
[ music | the washing machine ]

so i'm losing it. totally...all those who matter know about it... thanks to *you*. you do realize i'm royally pissed at you? not for telling, not for saying that i'm selfish and immature *well maybe a little bit*...but for giving me my ring back. i don't care how much you tell me you're not giving up on me, you'll always be there, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera...but it feels like you are giving up. it feels like you're leaving me, and i don't need that. i really don't. but then again, *its not always about me*..who gives a damn what i want right? obviously the people of tylenol don't, they only package those damn pills so by the time you need them, you can't do what you want with them. there were only about 5 or 6 in the bottle last night after danny left, and i was very close to taking them, but i didn't think it would do the trick. and then i opened the cabinet where the liquor is...and was actually in there, going through the bottles, deciding which one i wanted. but we only had a tiny bottle of vodka, and that wouldn't have worked? you know, silly danny, you left the rest of the vase with me. i can break it any time i want to to get another piece of glass. any time

he wants to know why i don't ask for help, why? because i shouldn't have to. i don't know if that makes any sense or not, but that's why. if its such a big problem, then i shouldn't have to ask. someone would be telling someone, or they would already know. of course, i know i'm damn good, and don't let most people know what i'm thinking. it just all pisses me off so bad. i don't like being like everyone else. i don't see how people can join those communities for suicidal people, or SI or whatever. i read the entries and it pisses me off. i'm supposed to be unique! there shouldn't be 200 other people feeling the way i do. it doesn't work like that. it shouldn't work like that. that's probably why i don't want to go to a psychiatrist. i'm just another suicidal/depression/self mutilation case. and whether that's how it would be, that's how i feel. screw it. i'm walking to lembo's before i do anything stupid.

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life can take the strongest man and make him feel so alone [25 Feb 2003|11:37pm]
[ mood | exhausted ]
[ music | soulshine live-repeat ]

i'm exhausted, can't deal anymore. i don't know what i'm supposed to do. i can't even put it all into words, so i won't even try.

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waiting waiting, still waiting for you [24 Feb 2003|11:37pm]
[ mood | bored ]

lip kiss
kiss on the lips - you're sweet and simple but
quite daring. you move for the kill confidently
knowing the other person wants the same thing.

What Sign of Affection Are You?
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you suck, and that's sad
you are the "you suck, and that's sad"
happy bunny. your truthful, but can be a bit

which happy bunny are you?
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Which Personality Disorder Do You Have?
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What's YOUR sexual fetish?
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*haha* these are good.

Emotional Wreck. You are extremely emotional. You
feel contentment moreso than happiness and your
emotional lows are to the extreme. You need to
cheer up and start enjoying your life. Where
there is rain there is a rainbow and you need
to see it more than others. Do something that
makes you happy.

How Emotional Are You?
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You're in the Goth box.

What box do you get put in?
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beautiful and new things i'm learning about you? [24 Feb 2003|10:47pm]
[ mood | contemplative ]

i really hate it when you shave your legs then get out of the shower, into the cold and immediately....goosebumps....stupidthings. who invented those things anyway? i'm going to find them and burn them alive. or dead. *haha* and kir says she's worried about me. i can't decide if i'm worried too. things were better today, i was actually kind of hyper and loud. but its getting hard for me to distinguish when i'm faking and when i'm not, i haven't really noticed since the jazz thing on friday. speaking of which,

the lakeland concert. *hah* that was fun huh. playing is almost the same as talking for me. that=bad. so i just tuck all that away during performances, and then i get all crappy afterwards. really bad. we were still on stage and the headache hit, and i wouldn't talk for a long time. i wasn't really sure what was going on, i just followed everyone off the stage, and to the clinic. so then when we were going to dinner, farin *ignore the names* threw a snowball at danny *danny was wearing his suit..bad idea* and he went running after him to kick his butt. and i think it was shawn, i can't really remember, said that one of them was going down *it was snowy and kind of icy* and bust a knee cap. i actually started to laugh, but immediately started to cry. i don't know why, don't ask. but then i started to walk to the other side of the clock tower that was there in the middle of the sidewalk, and it kept turning and turning. i couldn't get to the other side. and that creeps me out. it was actually moving. *heh* and now i'm hallucinating on top of things. *poo-eating grin* after i finally got to the other side, danny finally figured out where i was, i wiped my eyes, and we started to walk to the car, where i tried to make danny feel better *it really wipes him out trying to be all happy all the time* and things just went on as nothing happened. *btw my butt cheek feels like it is totally on ice* weird.

the whole point of the story: why does laughing make me want to cry? i feel like i'm not worthy to laugh, or i shouldn't. i don't know why. something with i've been depressed for so long, i shouldn't find joy in things? maybe, maybe not. i guess i need danny's expertice on this one. of course i just have to tell him first.

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morning comes too soon, but i can't sleep anyway [24 Feb 2003|06:36am]
[ mood | hopeful ]

soooo, big day of lots of school stuff. rudolpho is being rather rambunctious today, attacking my feet while i'm trying to get dressed. its early today huh? i usually am barely getting my happy ass out of bed to get a shower, and now i'm already dressed and waiting for breakfast. i can't decide if i want to go to school today or not, its so evil, but i have nothing better to do. too many people, too much talking. ick. kind of hungry i think, maybe not. i'm too fat anyway. *hides* now that wrestling season is over, i'll gain all my weight back, and i'm not too happy with that, but i'm too lazy to exercise. what a predicament. don't you love those night where you go to sleep and wake up in the same position? i do, especially when your kitten pokes his head from under the covers and pads in your stomach and mews at you. *smile&sigh* i hope danny's right, i hope rudy solves most of my problems. that would be grand.

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here i lay again crushed and trodden on; and could i ever rise more? [23 Feb 2003|11:12pm]
that has to be on of the best lines in this entire book. i love it. i just had to write it down, so i didn't forget. if you care go check out my dj .
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you need to leave, its lonely here [23 Feb 2003|10:43pm]
[ mood | restless ]

so i'm testing this one out....i'm not too sure what this is supposed to do, but i have nothing better to do *40+ pages of jane eyre to read* so i think i'll play with this for a bit. rudolpho is sleeping on my leg and calming me down a bit, and the fact that i found someone 2 other people who know who gov't mule is kind of helped. but i guess i'll play with my settings for a little bit longer and then read some, i don't think i'm going to be sleeping tonight...*whoa* i think i have a dr's appt on tuesday. good, maybe then i'll tell her that i need some drugs because i'm crazy.

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trying to keep you in the dark [23 Feb 2003|10:20pm]
[ mood | contemplative ]

You are burning
You are burning

What Self-Mutilation Are You?
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well well well...i hope this doesn't get me in a lot of trouble...i'm still trying to figure out if i want to tell anyone about this...i'll probably decide against it, then tell, because i can't keep secrets from people who matter. *kir and danny* so my dj tells all about tonight...and i'm still trying to decide if i'm going to delete it or not...my life is full of decisions...i should prolly go upstairs and read...rudy is all by himself, and god knows what he could get into up there.

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