day: went to school, didn't go to first block, mr holder made it perfectly clear that he did not want to see us at all in the morning. so i went a worked on my pot. it looks soo good, but i had to run to walmart to get paint because he didn't have any black, and thats like the main color i need. ok so i worked on my pot for about 2 hours, and i've been working on it for like 4 weeks and i'm still not freakin done, BUT tomorrow i will be!! and lord i hope it doesn't break because i want everyone to see it. so anyway, i went to lunch. sat by myself. again. i do want to be left alone, but then again i would like a friend to sit with me. like a REAL friend. but i don't have any so oh well. so beth came up to me again because i looked like a lonely soul, again. and she asked me if i wanted to hand out candy canes for christ on campus, so i'm like sure i have nothing better to do. so i did, and then here comes jared and chris. and i was like hey, and they didn't say a blasted thing to me. nice bunch of fellas there. so i'm all goin crazy like "get your FREE candy canes, christ on campus merry christmas" and i think they thought i was dumb. ok stop right there. lets list your problems:
1) you care too much what people think
2) you think you do stupid things, not even funny stupid like "ok that was gay stupid" i can't really judge myself there, but i do think i do and say stupid things that peole are like "ok your gay". oh well i have problems and i can't rid myself of them.
3) you try to be cool
freakin gay. so anyway. went to 3rd block. took the exam , like 30 questions. and i got my shirt back today. i may even wear it. i like it but the trim looks crappy, and whoa, i just thought of something ok:
christ on campus people, lets see, out of all the people i know who go to it, not one person has ever invited me to it. not even beth, and she thinks i'm a freakin lonely soul. she hasn't even invited me to pray outside the cafeteria. i wouldn't go to christ on campus because i have to work everyday, but it would be nice to get invited, so ok i know like 4 people in it and no one has ever invited me, isn't that real christ like? eh maybe they just don't want me around. so ok back to my day; went to work, kim was grillin me on how i should be with the kids, she wasn't being mean she was just giving me tips, but all i wanted to do is sit around today. i like to play with the kids but i just wasnt in the mood, but if they come up to me wanting me to hold them i can't resist. she asked me if i liked workin in the daycare, and i said no, but you know i do because i love my babies, and i like workin with the older kids, i just don't like changing them but i do it anyway because i'll feel neglectful. so i'm at work and i'm contemplating going to cocoa church tonight, so i call autumn but she was studying with chris. and becky was going somewhere, now that i think about it i'm glad i didn't go. that is the best church out of the 3. but, well you know why i don't go.
i've decided its really time for me to get over it. for real this time. its all over, i've asked him, he wasn't interested, its done, theres nothing else i can do. i didn't cry at all today, but i did pull some hair out because i'm angry. i'm angry at me i'm angry at god, i'm angry at him. theres no point in being angry at him, he can't help it. plus could you really blame him? no. i'm angry at god becuase its like he's letting all this nonsense happen and i am so freakin miserable because of one person. i'm angry at me because of the way i am i hate myself. i want to rip something to shreds. i can't belive i'm saying some of this because every time i used to hear about someones teen angst or whatever i'd think "oh your just trying to be cool, being all anti everything" now i see that some people are for real when they cut themselves and stuff. i can kind of understand it now, but all i have is low self esteem, they have crackhead paresnt and stuff. REAL problems, but whatever.
matthew is sick, his stomache doesnt hurt, so hopefully he doesn't have the flu. one of the babies at the daycare had a 103 temperature. its really scaring me. but all i can do is pray.
i really need to find a new church. i'm feeling so bland, there is an empty space inside of me, i can't do this by myself. theres no way.