danielle's Blurty Entries [entries|friends|calendar] danielle [ website | i am such a freakin cool kid ] [ userinfo | blurty userinfo ] [ calendar | blurty calendar ]

(slice) holy crap! [10 Jan 2004|09:26pm] [ mood | surprised ] [ music | aim ding ] whoa open my freakin eyes jeez!! i'll never do that again, man, thats some nonsense right there. post comment

[09 Jan 2004|11:05pm] [ mood | melancholy ] i'm sick of everything. i want it all to end. i can't describe all of this. its all in such a blur, and it sucks. oh come off it danielle, all it is is dad and jared. before jared you could handle it. if he hadn't have come along then everything would be so different. i am so tired of it. I'M SO freaking SICK OF IT ALL. i can't deal. but if its not one thing its another. i'm so tired, i'm falling so fast, and i feel like i can't turn to anything. i'm getting so confused, and like i'm spinning around and i can't take it anymore. i can't do this anymore. i want it all to end. i just want to be happy. this is so pitiful but i feel like if this jared thing would just disappear i would be a million times better. just seeing him makes me want to... i can't stand it. if he would just go away then everything would be so much better. i'm so tired of this, i can't do anythig. i feel so dumb. i have to go. post comment

depressing side of my day [07 Jan 2004|10:40pm] [ mood | angry ] [ music | pod- "will you" ] even though my dear livejournal has a nice uppity entry there were some downs to the day. i was suppose to meet autumn by the stairs so we could leave fourth block, and jared comes along and they hugged, i don't know why but i got REALLY jealous and it depressed me. she said she thought about it right when it happend, and she said it looked like i didn't even care, i've gotten really good at that. looking like i don't care. and jared dyed his hair black, wait while i roll my r's on my tongue. ok i think i'm done. yeah so that little action urked me a lotta bit, but hey thats coo. i can't tweak with his mind. then on the way home after a freakin great evening i was getting upset again. sometimes i wish he knew. like what would be happening if he knew? you know? maybe he does know! gasp! hmm. i don't know, at this point i don't care because aint nothing going to change. man i really really wish he liked me. people say "your only in high school" yeah well so are a whole bunch of other girls and they seem really happy when they have someone to hold them. "i've been rejected too, i know" right, but every flippin time? uh-huh try that one. it really sux to not be good enough. " your lucky you don't have a boyfriend" ok then why do you have one? if i'm lucky because i'm not good enough for people are you unlucky because someone loves you? i'm not comprehending. thank you for your time post comment

alright, party on [02 Jan 2004|09:48pm] [ mood | giddy ] [ music | cadet- "nobody" ] stayed home all freakin day, they didn't need me at work, so you know whatever. i want to go back to work, jeez why do all these kids just not show up? they had like 3. alright so anyway i sat on the couch all day and watched waynes world!! waynes world, party time excellent. i say mike myers is just a comic genious (sp?) hmm haven't heard from autumn in a while, kandy called last night askin for her cell phone number, which i thought was kind of weird. don't know your own daughters cell # she 16 dernit, she could be kidnapped or something. man that would be weird. so anyway, my strongbad shirt came today yess!! no doubt matthew is going to want to borrow it, i don't care, he'll look cool, just as long as he doesn't give it to anyone. so lets see my strongbad shirt and anberlin shirts and cd is in, so all i have is my skillet shirt and my hottopic stuff and then it'll be it. i hope hottopic doens't screw up because i spent the most money there. i made a pair of pants last night, and i will actually wear these, their made out of denim, and it was a lot easier than the other thin materials. and i made them REALLY bell-bottomy. really. and i got made fun of by my family. but you know i don't like them anyway so whatever. thats the weird thing, laura always talks about how our family is so loving even though we're crazy or something, whatever i see anything but love, everyone always talks about eachother in such negative way, but never to anyones face. she just sees what she wants to, and i hope i can set them straight somehow but they think i'm stupid anyway so there you go. mom and dad are the only decent ones, and grandma to a certain extent, so you know. i want to hang out somewhere tomorrow, i'll call leah or autumn, probly go to cocoa village or something. post comment

yess!! [01 Jan 2004|05:40pm] [ mood | excited ] [ music | anberlin- "change the world" ] my anberlin cd and t-shirt came in the mail today yes!!! i'm so freakin excited!! i can't wait till the rest of them come in. i attempted to hook up my old nintendo. i have 2 of them down at grandma's. ones ours and another one is brandons, brandon took one of them apart when he was like 10, but it still worked because he only took the top off, but i took the better lookin one and it didn't work so later i will have to get that one and pray it works,. because i need a nintendo fix. feel like a kid again. if that one doesn't work, i'm thinkin about buying one off of e-bay because i will play that beast till kingdom come. post comment

stuff [31 Dec 2003|11:35pm] [ mood | hopeful ] [ music | skillet- "you are my hope" ] i'm really worried about dad, sometimes i think he's going to kill himself. mom told me to stop talking twice today because i am such a negative person. i have no life. this song just came on the radio, and sometimes there are songs that just come on at the right time, and they just make everything seem better. sometimes i just break down, because its like god put it here like right at the right time. i think i'll find my cd and play it over and over. happy new year post comment

another stolen survey, because i am a survey theif [31 Dec 2003|11:08pm] [ mood | bored ] [ music | relient k-"i am understood?" ] The Generic Teenager Stereotype Do you drink [alcohol]?: maybe a little sip here or there Do you party a lot? How often?: no Do you use drugs for recreational purposes?: no How often do you use the word like in an average hour?: a lot, subconciously Do you skip classes? How often?: when i no i have nothing to do and it wont hurt my record Do you have casual sex? Protected?: thats freakin nasty Do you steal?: not anymore Do you wear inappropriate clothing?: haha, no Do you watch a lot of TV?: only when theres nothing else to do Do you ever watch the News?: sometimes Do you even care about world issues?: sometimes Do you read books often?: nope Are you failing a lot of your classes?: no, but i get average grade, i'm not very smart Do you spend most of your time with your friends?: no Do you smoke cigarettes?: not not more Do you hang out a lot in malls, or at Seven Elevens?: mall sometimes Do you often find yourself with a crush on someone?: ugh, not very often but when i do have a crush i have it BAD, and the same one for a looooooong time, not very fun Do you cuss a lot?: not in public Are you desperate to fit in?: i'd like to not me but, you can decide that about me. Are you intelligent?: no The Goth Stereotype Black lipstick?: nope Black eyeliner?: no make up Black eyeshadow?: " Black trenchcoat?: yes, let my pull out my rifle (no) Black boots?: no Black fishnets?: no but i would if it didn't make me look so poserish Black nail polish?: everyday Cigarettes?: no Heavy metal music?: YES!!! Marilyn Manson?: NO!! Kittie?: i haven't heard anything from them Cradle of Filth?: refer to the kittie question Constant frown and perpetual angst?: yes, but not on purpose, thats just the way i am Do you like to be seen as: i don't like people "seeing" me in any way shape or form Are you an intellectual?: no An atheist?: haha, no Horrible home life?: no, i am very luck Hopelessly depressed?: *sigh* i don't know Suffering with suicidal idealations?: maybe this quiz wasn't such a good idea (as i move on to the next question) Self-mutilation?: next The Punk Stereotype Plaid?: shirts Big black boots?: no Mohawk?: no Excessive piercings? no Loud, confident and opinionated?: no, people often shoot me down so i learn my lesson Wild hair colors?: i wish it were legal in school NOFX?: i dunno Rancid?: again i don't know Well versed on political scandals and outrages?: sometimes Anarchy: no thats dumb The Jock Sterotype What's your IQ?: 118 Do you watch a lot of sports?: no Play a lot of sports?: no Talk a lot about sports?: no Do you do anything, really, but think about sports?: yes l Are you arrogant?: haha no Are you a male or female whore?: no Are you homophobic?: i don't like queers but i will be nice to anyone Do you tease other people a lot because you want to seem confident?: no But really you're a quivering mass of insecurity?: yes, very much so Boobs = yes?: um, i have boobs? is that waht you want? Parties = yes?: i just like to hang out Dropping out of high school and flipping burgers = yes?: no The Girl Stereotype Do you spend a lot of time on your appearence?: like 20 minutes on my hair sometimes Have you ever been on a diet?: yes, let me count the ways How much did you lose?: 20, then gained it back in no time Was it not so much a diet as it was an eating disorder?: No Make yourself throw up?: hey, good idea Make-up?: absolutely not Low-cut tops?: not extremely low How big are your boobies? [Cup size]: i'll let you use your imagination, freakin pervert Do you flip your hair when you talk, even if you don't realize it? no Giggle a lot?: no What's the deal with boys?: they don't like me, they intimidate me Thongs?: what do you think? Pretty bras?: yes YM, Teen, Cosmo, et al?: psha no Who's the weaker sex?: i don't know, they are both weak little kittens Are you a feminist?: i freakin hate feminists, they are what is truely wrong with the world today Do you think Brad Pitt is hot?: i think johnny depp is the king of hot guys in hollywood but dear old brad is a close second How often do you shave your legs?: when i wear a dress How about your armpits?: all the time Are you emotional?: yes, very, VERY Especially when on your period?: no, its all about the same, i don't change much when that comes around, my stomache just hurts post comment

love is a movement, love is a revolution [31 Dec 2003|06:09pm] [ mood | confused ] [ music | switchfoot- "meant to live" ] i made a livjournal, i can't believe i made a freakin live journal. freakin gay. i'll update later. post comment

let me brag about how i slit my wrist (feel sorry for me) [30 Dec 2003|09:27pm] [ mood | annoyed ] [ music | pillar- "indivisible" i ] everyone has a live journal, i don't feel like making one, everyone leaves me. i only had like one freakin friend. if i had a livejournal i would have 2 WHOLE FRIENDS! yess. but i don't oh well. lets see, i tried to control what i ate today and i did, i feel proud of myself actually. and i was very satisfied. so, i went to work today, i didn't feel good, i was really tired and i think i hurt my stomache bein a glutton that i am. but i did good today. yeah i've got problems. came home, i kind of felt bad because i was the last one to get to work and the first one to leave, but i took a nap and i felt a little better. and then i went to give leah her present, she said she forgot mine but, she could just be saying that because she didn't get me anyhitng, oh man i really messed up the spelling on that word, too bad i'm too lazy to go back and fix it. but i'm not lazy enough to actually type in that i'm too lazy to push back space a few times, or even highlight it. oh well. ummm, me and steph are suppose to hang out tomorrow. she better call me back. sometimes i think she hangs out with me for charity. because i don't have any friends or anything, and she feels sorry for me. i hate you all who do that. piss me off, but i've known steph for a long time, and shes older than me. i just don't trust anyone. very un-trusting kinda gal. good christian way to be. yess! tonight we had christmas on my dad's side. i hate doing things with them. i used to love it. i hate it now, i'm so freakin miserable doin stuff with them. i don't know what it is. i feel really lifeless when i'm around them. they're (we're) a really weird family. they (we) don't like outsiders. i can't stand that i think thats so stupid. i'm just glad that my dad is my dad and my mom is my mom. and not no one else because i think that would really suck. to make a live journal....to not make a live journal...to...to not...hmm, i just can't decide. post a comment now to cast your vote! 2 comments|post comment

and how are you this lovely evening? [29 Dec 2003|12:31am] [ mood | sick ] [ music | nirvana- "lithium" ] well, i'm pissed off how are you? yeah i'm feelin really lonely. i'm tired of being by myself all the time. i can't wait for school to start, and i pray to god that jared is in atleast one of my classes. i've decided i'm going to try. i know i've decided a million times that i was going to "get over it" but, i can't i just can't. lets see here are my emotions at the moment: 1) pissed 2) lonely 3) stupid 4) jealous 5) embarrassed 6) just don't care anymore feeling kinda stupid, because theres so much about him i don't know, but all the big things i look for in a guy, he has them and where else in this point in time am i going to find someone else like that? and then i'm thinkin, heres how the conversation usually goes: we'll (by we i mean whoever i'm talkin to at the moment) get on the topic of significant others and they'd be talkin about there guys or girls and whatnot, and then they ask me how my little ordeal is. "oh i don't have any guys" "why not" "i don't know i just dont go out with people" "why not" "well, they don't go out with me" "why not" why not?? why do you think? i mean look at me come on now, would you go out with me? i would be embarrassed to be seen with me. if people don't like me because i'm fat, i can't really blame them, lets see, if someone was to like me i would put my guard up so fast you don't even know. i would not trust you for a second. (((((((((((((((i'm just spittin out random things as i think of them))))))))))))))) lets see, now i'm not feelin too good, and i'm thinkin tonights entry is a little lotta dumb. but i'm just trying to sort out all this stuff. i'm so tired of waiting and waiting and waiting. i'm waiting for something to happen and i don't even know what i'm waiting for. i just want jared, really, thats all. oh how i wish he would like me. i think i would be content to know that someone would appreciate me. i would be content if someone would just hold me and kiss me. i'm embarrassed to feel the way i do. i'm embarrassed of this infatuation. post comment

my name is l-i-l-i pickle-i pickle-i [27 Dec 2003|10:43pm] [ mood | bored ] [ music | the benjamin gate- "all over me" ] well all of my money is gone. i got everything i wanted with it. wow. i realize that i spent all that money on band merchandise, and didn't save a bit of it. that is pretty sad to me. and mom put a guilt trip on me for some of the bands that i got, like ac/dc and the doors -n- such. i'm still feelin it a little, shes right some of their songs aren't the best lyrics, but i like them nevertheless. i think i am a spendaholic, thank god for banks because i wouldn't be able to keep money in the house. lets see, i was suppose to go to steph's house tonight becase of their soup things but laura wanted us to go over and have steak, and i was scared i wasn't going to know anyone, but i really should have gone. i hate going to laura's all the time. i feel like i have no life because i'm at my freakin aunts house all the time. i'm always spending time with family. jeez i really need to get some new friends. but its hard, because i just have this judgemental attitude that everyone just wants to go out and get drunk all the time, and i'm just not into it. i'm bored already and i can't wait for school to start, no wait, i can't wait till i go back to work, how bout that eh? its boring sittin around here. called leah, she never calls me back, hmm maybe i bug her. i just realized that i have a lot of commas in my journal. i'm contemplating going to cocoa church. i just don't know, i'll have to see what autumn is up to. or maybe rebecca, and i'll just pray joey won't be there. i kind of miss hanging out with rebecca because we'd have fun, but lately with like 6 people around her all the time, i don't want any part of that. when we were by ourselves or with tyler and steph we had fun. yeah before she had a fan club. i want to go to all the surf shops in cocoa beach and just hang out. i want to get out of here post comment

go away, fruit [26 Dec 2003|10:21pm] [ mood | aggravated ] [ music | the doors- "light my fire" ] yesterday was christmas, and it was ok. christmas is just not the same anymore, i wish i could just sit around and watch christmas movies al the time. that would be good. i am a christmas special addict, but i didn't catch that many of them this year, oh well, theres always next year. lets see, i got some money, and its all going to music merchandise, after i tithe of course. and lets see, its not over yet because sandra still needs to get here. so today was the day after christmas, and i needed some new shoes so we went to merrit island, and i was about to get converse, but they were 40 dollars and i'm like screw that, i aint about to spend 40 dollars on shoes, i'd just as soon make my own, but payless had the same kind only payless brand so that was good. and lets see, i want to go back tomorrow to fashion bug, because their suppose to have this big ole sale, and lets see. i need something to do new years eve, so i'm thinking i'll ask leah or steph, we really need to hang out, i need to give both of them their presents, jeez no one is ever around. but i definately need something to do new years eve. ok here we go: jared, i don't even hardly know this kid. yet he's all i think about. problems? yes, i think so. what the crap. i think i'll call leah tomorrow to see if she wants to hang out. post comment

christmas eve [24 Dec 2003|10:36pm] [ mood | excited ] [ music | alanis morisette-"head over feet" ] tonight was christmas eve, and we had to go to memaws house, and it was alright, david proposed to bridgette and it was soo romantic, jeez i am such a sap. so heres what i got: 1) shirt and gift certificate to a christian music store in orlando 2) stuff from nana, i feel really bad but i'm going to throw all of it away because stuff she gives me just takes up room, but what can ya do? unless i can find someone who needs it. 3) walmart gift cards 4)finding nemo dvd and SWORD IN THE STONE BABY! best disney movie of all freakin time! (without songs anyway) so thats all i got, and i'd say it was a pretty good bit too, i wonder what santa claus is bringing me. it better be something good, i'll sue. man this kutless show is really tickin me off, i can't for the life of me figure out a way to go. mom says "uncle david will go with you" thats weird, i never talk to david, he's just my uncle i know he likes that music and everything but thats just weird. i'm kind of scared to drive in orlando, but i'm sure once i get in there and just follow the lights and stuff i'll be fine. last night me and autumn hung out, it was good times, watched the breakfast club, good freakin times. ok i'm tired, tomorrow is CHRISTMAS! yess!! post comment

stolen survey.. [22 Dec 2003|10:20pm] [ mood | bored ] [ music | pat benetar- "shadows of the night" ] THREE THINGS THAT SCARE ME: [x] being alone forever [x] negroes [x] old men who look at my rack THREE PEOPLE WHO MAKE ME LAUGH: [x] michael [x] autumn [x] i can't think of anyone else THREE THINGS I LOVE: [x] i love the 80s (shows) [x] god/ jesus (oh i know i am so uncool) [x] my music THREE THINGS I HATE: [x] feminists [x] canadians, haha, sorey aboot that [x] periods? THREE THINGS I DON'T UNDERSTAND: [x] freakin liberals, but you know their gay so their not worth trying to understand.. blah! [x] why people remake classic horror movies, why? why commit directorial suicide? [x] catholics, oooooooh man THREE THINGS ON MY DESK: [x] sewing machine [x] computer [x] stuff THREE THINGS I'M DOING RIGHT NOW: [x] This Survey [x] Talking to autumn [x] listening to kutless, yes!!! THREE THINGS I WANT TO DO BEFORE I DIE: [x]get married [x] have kids [x] lose all this freakin weight, but then i'd like to live, like i don't want to get down to 150 and then croak, well you know THREE THINGS I CAN DO: [x] do this flippy thing with my tongue [x] jump around [x] yell THREE THINGS I CAN'T DO: [x] sew [x] smile purty [x] be cool THREE WAYS TO DESCRIBE MY PERSONALITY: [x] dumb [x] shy [x] Opinionated THREE WAYS TO DESCRIBE MY LOOKS: [x] fat [x] whitest white girl fer sheezy [x] big beautiful lips muah THREE THINGS I THINK YOU SHOULD LISTEN TO: [x]skillet [x] kutless [x] dead poetic THREE THINGS I DON'T THINK YOU SHOULD LISTEN TO EVER: [x] superchick [x] new madonna [x] gay people? THREE THINGS I SAY THE MOST: [x]gay [x] freakin [x] your freakin gay THREE OF YOUR ABSOLUTE FAVORITE FOODS: [x] pizza [x]chicken wings [x] salad THREE THINGS YOU'D LIKE TO LEARN: [x] guitar, and i am in the process... [x] to sew better [x] how not to care what people think THREE BEVERAGES YOU DRINK REGULARLY: [x] Coke [x] water [x] orange juice THREE SHOWS YOU WATCHED WHEN YOU WERE A KID: [x] that elephant show [x] barney, [x] david the gnome, ahh memories ------------RIGHT NOW------------ * Wearing: shirt and pants * I'm feeling: mixed emotions, hmm * Eating: nothing * Drinking: nothing * Thinking about: geuss who * Listening to: pax 217, not by choice, the radio my friends, the radio * Talking to: autumn ------------IN THE LAST 24 HRS------------ * Cried: no, yess!!! * Worn a skirt: yes * Met someone new: no, i'm not big on meeting people * Cleaned your room: well i picked up all my dirty clothes, so i geuss kinda 1/2 * Done laundry: no * Driven a car: yes ------------DO YOU BELIEVE IN------------ * Yourself: i believe i exist * Your friends: i believe they exist too, unless this is one big dream * Santa Claus: lies, all lies * Tooth Fairy: this is really a gay question, santa claus was fine, but come on now * Angels: yes * Ghosts: yes yes yes yes, but you know i am better than them so i'm so not scared, freakin spooks i'll show em all! * UFO's: no ------------FRIENDS AND LIFE------------ * Do you have a boyfriend/girlfriend: no, le sigh * Like anyone?: yes * Who have you known the longest of your friends: autumn * When you cried the most: atleast twice a day in the last month, you know you know * What is the best feeling in the world: telling a freakin funny joke * Worst Feeling: knowing i'm not good enough * Who sent this to you: stole it from autumn FIRST THING THAT POPS IN YOUR HEAD a - apples b - brass c - cadence d - drop e - effing f- grapes g- grapes h- huge i- mint j- jeorb k- relient k l- love m- michelin n- numba one fo sho o- octopus p- prom q- queer r- ramen s- blebleble t- boy george u- umbrella v- vixen w- write x- i struggle with forward motion y- yeller z- zebra *Unfavorites* [bands] superchick, freakin gay [subject] science, any science [food] celery [color] orange *this or that* [boxers or briefs?] boxers, freakin hot [plaid or striped?] Plaid [scream or scream2 or scream3?]i only saw the first one so you know [ska or punk?] i really don't know the difference [salt or pepper?] salt [okay, ok, or o.k.?] ok [bright colors or dark colors?] dark [tic-tacs or certs?] certs [sunshine or rain?] Rain [rain or snow?] snow [sun or moon?] moon [silver or gold?] Gold [silk, cotton, or flannel sheets?] definitely NOT silk [preps or freaks?] lets chop them up and mix them together, and see what we get [popcorn-with or w/out butter?] with, jeez your just unamerican if its any other way [ketchup, mayo, mustard, or relish?] Mustard [shampoo+conditioner in one or separate?] separate, it MUST be separate *if you were _______, what would you be?* [an animal] turtle [a fruit] grape [a vegetable] asparagus [a color] Red is my favortie color, but if i was a color i would probably be a really dark blue [a bug] a giant mutant butterfly *short answer* [are you smart?] psha no [do you like onions?] chopped up on burgers, i mean REALLY chopped up [what instruments can you play?] i'm workin on the gee-tar [what words do you overuse?]] gay, freakin [do you like to fingerpaint?] i havent done that lately [do you sleep with socks on?] if their on my feet then ya [are you ticklish?] YES, very [are you shy?] yes yes [do you talk to yourself?] lol yeah [is your house 1, 2, or 3 stories] 1 [do you have a basement or an attic?] attic [did you go to preschool?] no [are you a morning person?] no [whats your purity test score?] what does that mean? *hard questions* [would you rather burn to death or freeze to death?] Freeze [are the best things in life free?] yes [can money buy happiness?] it can distract you [if you had to dye your hair right now, what color would you make it?] blue [if you had to get a body piercing right now where would it be?] tongue [if you had to get a tattoo right now, what would it be?] stars on my foot post comment

weekend [21 Dec 2003|09:46pm] [ mood | accomplished ] [ music | skillet- "best kept secret" ] ok i feel like i have a lot to say, but i may just shorten it a little bit but you never know, so first lets just get the basic stuff out of the way. yesterday: eeeeeeh me and autumn went to merrit island, and we went christmas shopping and whatnot, bought mom a gift card for rack room, steph a dead poetic cd, and leah some socks. i'm just gonna buy autumn the kutless ticket, good enough huh? if i can talk mom into letting us go by ourselves, i can't decide whether to invite chris and MAYBE jared, big maybe though, really big. ok so then we went to valentinos and back to autumns house, watched family guy because it is the freakin best show ever! and her dad had to monitor it, which was kind of weird but whatever. so then mom made me go shopping with her for our little chinese gift game, and so we went to big lots, and then came home and sandra was here so i hung out there, rented the hulk, it was ok, came home and did stupid stuff. then this morning went to church, i took care of the SWEETEST little boy, he was soo cute, and i think skylar is fun to watch because he's just a silly little kid. so that was ok because i didn't have to sit in church. that sounds really bad, i don't know what to do. so anyway after that went to grandmas to hang out, went to walmart, went to dogs, came back, and hung out there a while again, and came back. the end. so heres some things i have been thinking about: duh, duh duh..... jared! ok: i've been realizin some stuff like,i'm thinkin maybe thers just no chemistry or something? or maybe he just has certain standards, maybe he likes another girl, maybe its just not meant to be. even, if he just thought i was ugly or stupid. now i'm thinkin who cares you know? i do want a boyfrined really bad, but if i'm not physically good enough for someone, then their just to narrow minded to look past that you know? i can understand if its hard to look past that, because i am like that too. and if he thought i acted gay or something, then you know thats fine because i do do a lot of stupid gay things trying to be cool or whatever, but you know thats me, and if thats not good enough then you know whatever. it was very heartbreakin at first because i thought he was so perfect, and i still think any girl would be lucky to have him, and it still is a little disappointing but if i look at this side of it, then you know it doesn't look so bad because why would i want someone who doesnt want me? if i just give it to god then it should just roll out by itself, but i am worried its not going to be good timing, like i'll get my first kiss when i'm like 25 or something. but i do need to keep my faith. i don't know why the suddne attitude change, maybe just because i'm in a good mood or because i don't see him, but i do hope i can hold it out. other things i have been thinking about: 1)i am a really boring person 2) i am a spoiled brat 3) i know way too much about movies and tv which is probably a part of #1 4) i am a glutton 5) i'm not cool even though i say i am, but i'm sure you knew that already 6) i freakin hate sibbie despite all these things, i still think you suck and i don't really care what you think about me, because tonight all is right with the world. have a merry christmas post comment

more quiz addiction [21 Dec 2003|09:45pm] [ mood | confused ] [ music | toby mac- "yours" toby mac freakin rocks ] Nihilist Bear Which Dysfunctional Care Bear Are You? brought to you by Quizilla what the CRAP? i don't care about anything? MAN! you are the "I hate you so bad" happy bunny. You hate everyone and eveything and your not ashamed of it. which happy bunny are you? brought to you by Quizilla avoidant Which Personality Disorder Do You Have? brought to you by Quizilla RELAX! You only have low self-esteem....which is hard to get these days...Well, at least you are honest about your feelings so you have no trouble projecting your inner thoughts.Why don't you try writing poetry or write some songs? How are Your Communication Skills? brought to you by Quizilla You are Hershey's Milk Chocolate Bar- You like to keep to yourself and you are longing for atention but going about it the wrong way. You are most compatable with MilkyWay. What chocolate bar are you? brought to you by Quizilla On a blacket some where in the woods Wheres the first place you'll get it on? brought to you by Quizilla You are StrongBad. You hate everyone, especially HomeStar. Your e-mails and prank calls are hilarious. You're my favorite character. You try to be evil, but sorry, being shirtless with boxing gloves just isn't scary. Don't worry what everone else thinks because hey, they are all "crap for brains". What HomeStarRunner Character are you? (pictures) brought to you by Quizilla Ralph. Get help kid. Like your father you are sort of clueless. Enjoy being LOST. What Simpsons Character Are You brought to you by Quizilla <<>>???What Kind Of Angel R You???<<>>( Anime Pics ) brought to you by Quizilla What Finding Nemo Character are You? brought to you by Quizilla My inner child is sixteen years old! Life's not fair! It's never been fair, but while adults might just accept that, I know something's gotta change. And it's gonna change, just as soon as I become an adult and get some power of my own. How Old is Your Inner Child? brought to you by Quizilla Tomboy What's your sexual appeal? brought to you by Quizilla Aphrodite/Eros ?? Which Of The Greek Gods Are You ?? brought to you by Quizilla Your Heart is Red What Color is Your Heart? brought to you by Quizilla Your element is Fire. Wild and free. Your emotions lead you everywhere. You are a very passionate person, though sometimes forceful and destructive you have a goal in life, even if that goal is just to make it another day. Fire consumes and purifys, it also protects. There is always caution with fire because once it is started on something there is no telling how much it can destroy. Fire people have the same tendency when mad you could be a candle burning but if someone tips you over... What's your element brought to you by Quizilla You are the goddess of love and romance. You help others hook up while longing for a someone your self What beutiful goddess are you?(with anime pics!) brought to you by Quizilla You are Orange. You are outgoing and optomistic. You always try to find the bright spot in everything. You are energetic and people are naturally attracted to you. However, you are not always sure of what your purpose or goals are. Most Compatible With: Fresh Mint Which Tic-Tac Flavor Are You? brought to you by Quizilla post comment

quiz addiction [21 Dec 2003|05:17pm] [ mood | bored ] [ music | thumb twiddlin ] You're unsure whether you really want to smile or not.You just curl your lips up at the corners a bit and let that get you through your day.You don't have all the answers,and you certainly don't feel like going out to look for them.Stop being so indecisive. What Kind of Smile are You? brought to you by Quizilla Tarzan! What movie Do you Belong in?(many different outcomes!) brought to you by Quizilla You're taffy!! You're a clever and kind person, but you tend to hold grudges. You are not big on dishing out forgiveness. Which kind of candy are you? brought to you by Quizilla Your: Wondering eyes. Your not quite focused and your quite the day dreamer. Your a bit odd and as many say "Your head is in the clouds." What type of eyes do you have? brought to you by Quizilla innocent kiss - you're cute and sweet and like it that way What Sign of Affection Are You? brought to you by Quizilla i think these quizzes were pretty gay, but i'm bored so, you know. post comment

killing me.......... looks like the last time we hold hands [19 Dec 2003|06:50pm] [ mood | cheerful ] [ music | ac/ dc- "you shook me all night long" ] woke up at freakin 7 so i could attempt to make my hair look pretty, and i've come to the conclusion that my hair cannot look the way i want it to 2 days in a row. its just not going to happen. so oh well. so i went to pick up autumn and took her to school because she had to shoot things, and then i got to work, and YESTERDAY the freakin board said i was supposed to work at 9 and i get there and everyone is like what are you doing here? and i said uh the board said 9 and they go "oh tonia didn't tell you?" no tonia didn't freakin tell me, yeah thta made me mad, i wasn't supposed to come in till twelve, freakin gay, but she apologized so thats ok, then i went to laura's and i watched some sea biscuit, it was kind of boring so i attempted to take a nap because i was still tired but i just couldn't fall asleep because of that blasted cat. so i go back to work and then i come home and the people across the street ran over their go cart. great job. watched new strong bad e-mail. really funny. nice. i want to do something tonight. i feel like i bother autumn too much, and me a leah need to hang out, so hopefuly she'll call me back but if not then, you know i'll just umm stay home i geuss. yeah. ok so i have to go christmas shopping tomorrw. maybe i'l just get everyone cafe chocolat gift certificates. but i want to go to merrit island tomorrow. oh oh or cocoa vilage!! yess!! man ok so i have to convince mom to let me drive to orlando for the kutless show. lord, i hope she lets me. i want to go to a show. bad, its so much fun. hey maybe i'll call steph or something, and we'll chill. i want to go to oldtown. i've never been, is it nice? you smell like pea soup 2 comments|post comment

O'doyle rules [18 Dec 2003|07:57pm] [ mood | blah ] [ music | justifide- "to live" ] i had only one class today, which was just dandy but i was workin the whole time and i finished right when the belle rang. i could've stayed longer but i didn't because i was done. four freakin weeks on that pot, and its finally done and it looked soooo good if i do say so myself, and i was expecting huge reactions out of everyone but they weren't as big as i expected but whatever. it looks really good to me. lets see then i went to laura's house for a few minutes, to show her my pot, and i was tellin her my jared woes. and she was lecturing me on how i should feel this way and lalala. yeah i made a list why everyone is full of crap. and i think its pretty accurate too. so lets see, went to work, they were having their christmas party and i had me some pizza rolls, and god saw that it was good. anddddddd, dang i wish jenny was my age and we could hang out all the time, that would be cool but i don't think mom would be too keen on me hangin out with a 24 year old with a pot leaf tattoed on her neck. even though she regrets it. dunna nu annaa. this is one dern good song that just came on the radio. yeah it is. ok so youth is going on right now, and i'm not there. ha! their having their christmas party. i feel bad for not going but then again nobody misses me, and i'm sure they don't notice i'm not there, and i hate it. a lot. i'm sorry lord, but it depresses me there. i wish i could find a different church. oh oh i made my hair cute today, well i think its cute anyway, i hope i can not be so lazy as to make it like this everyday. lets see i gotta go to work at 9 tomorrow. no more school for 2 weeks, yay! next semester autumn is going to leave early with me and we'll probably hang otu at work or i could take her home. unless she has another friend to hang out with. yeah well what can ya do? i can't wait till stephanie gets home were going to have so much fun, and we'll hang out everyday. if i could have any plastic surgery i would have my boobs done. i think i'll call leah or autumn see what their doing this weekend because i really have to go christmas shopping because i feel bad having a job and all and not getting anyone anything, so yeah i'll have to see. me and leah need to hang out, we haven't in a while. oooooooh i had some chocolate popcorn yesterday and that junk tasted soo good. yeah it did. hmm lets see, anything else? oh sandra is coming on saturday, then shes leaving for south kakilaki and then coming back. yeah, shes dumping bebe on grandma. they really need to get rid of that dog. i've been thinking about brandon lately, like what the heck happened? he used to be like my brother and then he's just not anymore, thats fine i don't really care, but then i was thinkin about all his friends at his little graduation party, and every bit a one of them are in my class, and calie's friends and i don't know theres just something weird about it. then last night freakin jonathan made me soo mad like he WAS going to customize my skateboard ok? and i ordered it like a month ago, and then he tells me his cousin doesn't feel like doing it, so i'm like whatever, then he asks me what color deck i want and i said red because its my favorite color, and hes like k, so last night he ims me and says "i have your skateboard and its your in 23 hours, and i'm like k, then about 10 minutes later he says he just sold it and its a long story and i have to go before mom freaks out, ok well bye post comment

bust you in yo teefeses [17 Dec 2003|09:27pm] [ mood | angry ] day: went to school, didn't go to first block, mr holder made it perfectly clear that he did not want to see us at all in the morning. so i went a worked on my pot. it looks soo good, but i had to run to walmart to get paint because he didn't have any black, and thats like the main color i need. ok so i worked on my pot for about 2 hours, and i've been working on it for like 4 weeks and i'm still not freakin done, BUT tomorrow i will be!! and lord i hope it doesn't break because i want everyone to see it. so anyway, i went to lunch. sat by myself. again. i do want to be left alone, but then again i would like a friend to sit with me. like a REAL friend. but i don't have any so oh well. so beth came up to me again because i looked like a lonely soul, again. and she asked me if i wanted to hand out candy canes for christ on campus, so i'm like sure i have nothing better to do. so i did, and then here comes jared and chris. and i was like hey, and they didn't say a blasted thing to me. nice bunch of fellas there. so i'm all goin crazy like "get your FREE candy canes, christ on campus merry christmas" and i think they thought i was dumb. ok stop right there. lets list your problems: 1) you care too much what people think 2) you think you do stupid things, not even funny stupid like "ok that was gay stupid" i can't really judge myself there, but i do think i do and say stupid things that peole are like "ok your gay". oh well i have problems and i can't rid myself of them. 3) you try to be cool freakin gay. so anyway. went to 3rd block. took the exam , like 30 questions. and i got my shirt back today. i may even wear it. i like it but the trim looks crappy, and whoa, i just thought of something ok: christ on campus people, lets see, out of all the people i know who go to it, not one person has ever invited me to it. not even beth, and she thinks i'm a freakin lonely soul. she hasn't even invited me to pray outside the cafeteria. i wouldn't go to christ on campus because i have to work everyday, but it would be nice to get invited, so ok i know like 4 people in it and no one has ever invited me, isn't that real christ like? eh maybe they just don't want me around. so ok back to my day; went to work, kim was grillin me on how i should be with the kids, she wasn't being mean she was just giving me tips, but all i wanted to do is sit around today. i like to play with the kids but i just wasnt in the mood, but if they come up to me wanting me to hold them i can't resist. she asked me if i liked workin in the daycare, and i said no, but you know i do because i love my babies, and i like workin with the older kids, i just don't like changing them but i do it anyway because i'll feel neglectful. so i'm at work and i'm contemplating going to cocoa church tonight, so i call autumn but she was studying with chris. and becky was going somewhere, now that i think about it i'm glad i didn't go. that is the best church out of the 3. but, well you know why i don't go. jared time: i've decided its really time for me to get over it. for real this time. its all over, i've asked him, he wasn't interested, its done, theres nothing else i can do. i didn't cry at all today, but i did pull some hair out because i'm angry. i'm angry at me i'm angry at god, i'm angry at him. theres no point in being angry at him, he can't help it. plus could you really blame him? no. i'm angry at god becuase its like he's letting all this nonsense happen and i am so freakin miserable because of one person. i'm angry at me because of the way i am i hate myself. i want to rip something to shreds. i can't belive i'm saying some of this because every time i used to hear about someones teen angst or whatever i'd think "oh your just trying to be cool, being all anti everything" now i see that some people are for real when they cut themselves and stuff. i can kind of understand it now, but all i have is low self esteem, they have crackhead paresnt and stuff. REAL problems, but whatever. matthew is sick, his stomache doesnt hurt, so hopefully he doesn't have the flu. one of the babies at the daycare had a 103 temperature. its really scaring me. but all i can do is pray. i really need to find a new church. i'm feeling so bland, there is an empty space inside of me, i can't do this by myself. theres no way. post comment

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