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Sunday, June 13th, 2004

Time:6:38 pm.
Mood: confused.
Music:Cool Stuff.
I'm so confused right now. I was never good at determining things like this. What do I do? How do I act? What do I say? ARRRRGGGG!!!!!
Comments: Read 2 or Add Your Own.

Time:6:38 pm.
Mood: rejected.
I'm cleaning my room and I came across all these old notes I've saved for years and I became very sad. What happened that made some of these people stop talking to me? I can tell from some of the notes that I can be very self-centered... but I feel that I'm starting to change in that aspect. I don't know.... that sucks so much. I'm just a fool.

A confused, stupid, fool.

Comments: Read 5 or Add Your Own.

Subject:WooHa Yippie Skippy!
Time:4:31 pm.
Mood: happy.
Music:Freakin Awesome.
Hey all

I've had an interesting weekend. It started out at Mollies... late night of Pyschobabble. That was awesome. I love Mollie... I'm finally starting to learn who my true friends are. Mollie was there for me Thursday night and I love her so much for it. If you want to know what happened Thursday, ask, since I don't want to post it. However, be prepared for a long story. It's fine now, though.

I then went from Mollie's to my grammas. That was awesome. She dropped me off at the Zoo so I could meet Joe (Who's fucking awesome, but I'll get to that later.) I was supposed to meet him at the Monkey House. However, it was raining and so the Zoo was pretty much dead. On my way there, I passed maybe three people, but their likeness to a human was not very, therefore I consider myself to be the only human in that part of the Zoo.

The Monkey house was empty. That was scary. I basically wandered around in circles for a couple of minutes, frightened by the weird noises and the crazy monkeys. Finally, after amusing myself by staring at a gorilla in an outside exhibit, I found Joe. We walked around the zoo, rain drops falling on us, and ended up deciding to find somewhere to eat before Norma's party (Which, apparently was going to have a dinner buffet, stupid me.)

So we went to a Tasty Freeze.. a fancy Tasty Freeze.... with attractive celing fans.... and got these very small chicken dinners. Very silly. So then we got ice cream, however he had an overdose. Then we went to Norma's party.

Now apparently we had to wait for a shuttle, but we didn't know this, b/c we just started wandering through the zoo towards the aquarium when this bus pulls up and this guy starts screaming at us. It sounded more like "qaifufrrrrasdkfiiiiieirytiwer!!!!" though. So we get on the bus and we go back and pick up some people and find that apparently we can't walk through the zoo because they're doing animal maitenence. So, what, I would have been eaten by the lions? Stepped on by the elephant? What?

Norma's party was freaking HUGE. Very glamorous and beautiful. I feel so inferior with my little picnic grove. But it was very nice. Joe came with me, which I thought would be akward for him since he didnt really know anyone, but Mal made him feel comfortable. I got a lot of questions though.... which was amusing. Kristen cracked me up..... hahahahaha. Ask about it sometime.

So then Joe, Mal, and I left and Joe and I headed to my Grandma's and played scrabble, which was fun. Then we called a cab and Joe and I sat out front and waited for it, which was freakin' awesome. The stars were out, which made it really cool. The cab came really early though. So he left.

I stayed up late watching the stars.

On Saturday my grandma and I took care of my bank accounts and then went home. Joe and I decided to meet downtown. My grandma wanted dinner first, so I made us these cute little fruit plates. I should have taken a picture. Anyway, I met Joe downtown and we went to the art festival. He and I sat by the fountain at the point for awhile and then went back to see Medeski, Martin, and Wood. (A band). It was really awesome. I met some really cool people too. Apparently there was a random drunk guy freaking out, but I completely missed it. I think that's because I was talking to someone and he was purposely trying to keep me from catchign wind of the obnoxious drunk guy, which I very much appriciate. After dealing with my dad, that was the last thing I needed.

Plus I dont know how to keep my mouth shut in those situations.

So after that I went back to Joe's and that was a lot of fun. I hung out there for awhile with Joe and a few of his friends. IT was a blast. And then we called a cab and I went back to my grammas. Overall, it was a great weeked. I really needed a weekend like this. I was basically on my own a lot and I got to hang out with an awesome guy and just do whatever. It was liberating and just fucking cool.

So... now I have to clean up my room, because it's in ruins after Thursday night and my family didnt bother to tend to the cat, which is disgusting. I'll update later tonight with a survey.


PS Hope you enjoyed the novel of a post, Dunc, since I think you're the only one that reads this. ;0D
Comments: Read 1 or Add Your Own.

Thursday, June 3rd, 2004

Subject:Wow. Mind reading
Time:2:36 am.
Mood: drained.
Music:Ellen Degeres' stand up routine.
[my name is]: Michael D. Quigley
[in the morning i am]: "Where the fuck am I?"
[love is]: That one glimpse of beauty you see for an instant, but remember for your entire life
[i dream about]: Some weird, twisted, crazy shit and then some goofy stuff too.

-W I T H .T H E. O P P O S I T E. S E X-
[what do you notice first?]: Eyes, smile, hair
[last person u slow danced with]: No clue.

-W H O-
[do you have a crush on?]: I dont really have a 'crush' on anyone, more of a liking for some people. I know some awesome guys right now, but I like having friendships.
[easiest to talk to]: Jordan, Mary, my gramma, my great aunt

-H A V E .Y O U .E V E R-
[fallen for your best friend]: Yes and thats a long story.

-W H O .W A S .T H E.L A S T. P E R S O N-
[you talked to on the phone]: My gramma
[hugged]: I havent hugged anyone in a week or two.
[you instant messaged]: Joe
[you laughed with]: Joe

-D O .Y O U / / A R E.Y O U-
[could you live without the computer?]: I could, but I'd be bored.
[what's your favorite food?]: I dont have a favorite
[whats ur favorite fruit?]: Heh.
[what hurts the most? physical pain or emotional pain?]: Emotional. Physical goes away and is easier to endure. Emototional pain lives on in memory forever.
[trust others way too easily?]: I trust my best friends and some other people. IT depends on what I need to trust them for.

-N U M B E R-
[of times i have had my heart broken?]: Once over romance, a few over other things
[of hearts i have broken?] : One
[of boys i have kissed?] : Ummmm.... hmmm. I dont knowl
[of girls i have kissed?] : One
[of drugs taken illegally?] : None
[of tight friends?] : Not sure anymore. I know a few that are though. Thats what matters
[of cd's that i own?] : Dont make me count them, please.
[of scars on my body?] :Lets not go there.

[i know]: my cat is shitting in his litter box right next to me
[i want]: hapiness for me and my loved ones
[i need]: to graduate
[i have]: a face
[i wish]: I could find the answers.
[i hate]: too much
[i miss]: My innocence
[i fear]: Losing my loved ones
[i hear]: that love is a battlefield
[i search]: For my freaking pajamas
[i love]: to hear laughter from those I love
[i ache]: from the knives in my back
[i care]: too much (I've gotta agree with this one, Dunk, so I'm not changing it)
[i always]: find myself annoying
[i dance]: in private
[i cry]: about the past
[i do not always]: study
[i write]: to release
[i confuse]: everything
[i can usually be found]: observing
[have you ever played a game that required removal of clothing]: No
[if so, when and with who]:
[favorite place to be kissed?]: Lips, forehead, neck, stomach... the usualy romantic spots
[have you ever been caught "doing something"]: Yes. I'm caught doing things all the time. Unless I'm by myself, people see me do everything.

[wuss]: I'd like to think not. I dont like to fight but I can take so much pain.
[druggie]: Never
[gang member]: No. I'm starting to identify myself as myself and not through others
[daydreamer]: yes and I love it
[alcoholic]: NEVER.
[freak]: For surel
[brat]: I was spoiled as a child, but I'm no where near as bad as some people
[sarcastic]: Very
[goody-goody]: To a degree
[friend]: I hope so
[shy]: When it comes to ap proaching or meeting for the first time, yes. After that? no .
[talkative]: Unfortunately
[adventurous]: Definitely
[intelligent]: More than anyone will ever know or realize :0/

[your best feature]: my heart (my figurative heart, people)
[your biggest flaw ]: My short attention span
[most annoying thing you do]: talking and talking loud
[biggest mistake you've made this far]: I dont want to talk about that
[describe your personality in one word]: Seeker
[the physical feature for which you are most often complimented]: face
[person you regret sleeping with]: Hmmmm... what kind of sleeping?
[height]: 6'1 1/2
[a smell that makes you smile]: I dunno
[a city you'd like to visit]: SOOO many. Definitely foreign ones though
[a drink you order most often]: Pepsi
[a book you highly recommend]: *Shrugs*
[the music u prefer while alone]: I listen to anything at any time
[a film you could watch over and over]: There are a few
[a TV show you watch regularly]: Buffy, MadTV, ANTM, Tru Calling
[you live in a(n)]: apartment
[your transportation]: The Yellow Bus of Doom or my Blazer when I have my license
[your cologne or perfume]: Doesnt matter
[under your bed or in your closet you hide]: Who the fuck knows
[something important on your night table]: The flowers from my grandfathers funeral
Comments: Read 1 or Add Your Own.

Tuesday, June 1st, 2004

Subject:Dear Lover
Time:10:51 pm.
Mood: pessimistic.
My day kinda sucked. I spent it worrying about my AP English Final, which ended up not being all that bad. Yeah.

I'm kind of having a down day. When I wasnt studying, I spent time thinking about my friends and next year and how I'd loose touch with a lot of people and it hit me that I didn't really care anymore. It's sad, yes, but we'll all be moving on and, like my aunt said, starting new lives that we wont be spending together and we'll just become distant. It's a part of life. Plus, I'm not sure many of them want to keep in touch anyway, which is fine.

I'm also starting to slip back into that whole "Self Doubt" thing. I'm now convinced that I'm fat and ugly and everytime I see a picture of me I want to burn it. I'm also convinced that because I'm so fat and ugly, no guy would come near me with a ten foot pole. It's a horrible feeling. I feel smaller than that annoying pebble that gets stuck in someone's shoe. I actually feel just as annoying as that pebble too. I feel like people see me as annoying, or out there, or condecending, or arrogant or something, I dunno. I just feel like people dont want to be around me, which is fine, I suppose. I made it 15 years without any friends, if I suddenly loose a lot of them, it shouldnt be any different. I just hope I wont slip back into my depression I had for 3 of those 15 years. That would suck. I had such a hard time getting out of that.

I've also decided that I can't wait to be older. I know this means I'll be on my own and paying for everything, but I just like the idea of knowing I'll be on my own. I also feel like I'll have more freedom to go out and explore new oppurtunities. I want to have that so much right now. I wish I could just spend my summer travelling and seeing new things. But I can't and that sucks. So, I'm stuck here in Pittsburgh and then it's off to College. I'm hoping to get to the beach. I want new experiences in life. I have fun with people a lot, but I feel bored when I'm alone. Hopefully my license will cure me of this feeling.

Well, I dont feel like typing anymore right now. I'll update again later, if I feel like it
Comments: Add Your Own.

Monday, May 31st, 2004

Subject:This is amusing
Time:4:04 am.
Mood: amused.
Music:The voice of the hysterical Kathleen Madigan.
I have deleted this post in order to honor someone's request.


Comments: Read 2 or Add Your Own.

Subject:Newly Discovered
Time:3:11 am.
Mood: thoughtful.
Music:"My Immortal" by Evanescence.
I'm starting to realize my 'type' of guy, if you will. Finally, it took long enough.

I've decided that overly flame-y/feminine guys really irritate me. I've had my fair share of that. My guy is actually less romantic, I've decided. We don't have to cuddle, there isn't a big deal about that. We can simply just sit together or on oppisite chairs or couches. We dont necissarly have to hold hands or even touch eachother all the time. We aren't overly love-y. Sex is rarely a conversation piece, unless its through making jokes, ad we're just.... together. He' vaugely mysterious, has a certain sense of humor, is non-conformist, sarcastic, mature, level-headed, straight acting, goal-oriented, and at least remotely caring, but not overly happy, affectionate, and romantic. I've meet a few people like this, but I've finally become aware t hat I need to take things slowly and get to know people. I like it that way. Conversing and meeting people is very nice.

Also, I finally found out who I'm compatible with:

~Taurus (Obviously, since I am a Taurus)

~~~Yeah, I suddenly became interested enough to find all of this out. Just a personal note, disregard this if you want.
Comments: Add Your Own.

Time:2:30 am.
Hey! It's you! I haven't seen you in... months! Wow... you look all shiney and new... did you get plastic surgery? I think I'll write in you :0D

Life has been relatively dull. School is almost over and I say "Kitcha Fucking Yeah" to that. I can't wait. I want a summer of relaxation and enjoyment before college. Basically just work, hang out, and meet new people. That would be nice, yes. Very nice.

I've been meeting new people a lot lately, online only. I dont usually meet people from online until I've been talking to them awhile, and even then, I'm very careful. Wow, I've got random cuts on my body. Crazy stuff. There's on on my hand and two on my one arm and a few on the other. I never knew I was a cutter. Holy crap. I guess I better get used to random bruises, cuts, and burns though. I start work again tomorrow. Eep. Lots of working this summer too. Shit on that :0P

Oh, I would also like to meantion that I meet a very cool, hot guy online. He sings and makes songs. Holy crap. Thats freakin' awesome. Woohaa. (Was that enough for you or should I say more? *LoL*) This is all truth I swear. He is a very cool, hot guy. He sings and writes/makes music. He is a cool guy. Like him or die. Death. Woohaa.

I'm reading my personal journal. There's some nifty stuff in here. I actually write interesting things, who knew?

"The beach was so relaxing. I spent much time silently taking in my surroundings and walking along the shore. The sand felt like a distant memory as it fell between my toes. I watched the current wash away me imprents, as if washing away a part of me. Maybe the soul's imprints really can be erased. I collected many seashells, marvelling at their unique beauty. I think I found a shark tooth. Even right now, I can still feel the sun warming my face. The beach may have changed me. I'm happier, ,now that I've come back. My quiet, reflective solitude sparked so many thoughts. I remembered my thoughts while standing on that very beach almost ten years ago. I remembered how the c urent would literally move me, the waves I rode, and the time I saw the dolphins. It is clear I need to spend time at the beach this summer."

Or how about this one...

"How do some people's minds work? How do some people get so egotistical that they feel the need to show ranges of vanity? It's a mystery to me, maybe because my mind doesnt work like that. Some of us act like otheres, but who influences these others? The media? Who feels the need to run their hands over their short stubbly hair as if to check to see if it's alright, when there's no hair to mess up??? Apparently the cocky boy who tries to dress like his brother does. He gets on t eh bus trying to fix his stubble as if to imperss a girl... sorry, you're hair can't move from it's stubbly position.

And mullets and fro's should die.
They're hideous.
That's all."

ANd that IS all for this post.

Comments: Add Your Own.

Saturday, May 22nd, 2004

Subject:uh duh...
Time:7:10 pm.

Comments: Add Your Own.

Thursday, February 12th, 2004

Subject:Torn Heart
Time:12:38 am.
Mood: discontent.
Music:"Mouth" Bush.
Deep inside of my chest, there is pain. What should make me a loving, happy individual is causing me pain and preventing me from being completely happy. It is torn in half... ripped to shreds.

The pain causes tears to fall.
Comments: Add Your Own.

Wednesday, February 11th, 2004

Subject:It's late... or early. You decide.
Time:12:58 am.
Mood: awake.
Music:The Ellen Stand-Up routine Here and Now.
Yup, thats right, it's late... or early. You can decide, you pessimistic/opptimistic/bipolar person you!

So yeah, I've had a rough week.... but I'm having a wonderful evening!!! Woo!!!! I'm not even tired! I'll be dead at school though, so be prepared for that!!

I'm so elevated from that bad mood I've been in... and my trouble the past few days??? Feels like it's gone. Gotta love how I just get out of things so quickly!

Oh, and for those of you who are thinking 'Yeah, right, asshole" because of a recent situation inwhich I acted a little more rash than I should have... I kind of boosted myself out of my bitterness, so I'm okay now. And theres someone inparticular I want to apologize to, but you'll get a more formal apology later.... I just hope you can return the apology. Feelings were hurt and all, on both ends.

Hmmm.... I want to go do so much right now but I dont really feel like getting out of my chair. I just cut my hair and shaved and everything... so I should probably bathe b/c I can feel little pieces of hair on me and it itches. I hate that. Dont you?

I hate it when that happens!


Okay, my terets post is over. G'nite ladies and gentlemen.

Comments: Add Your Own.

Sunday, January 25th, 2004

Time:1:37 pm.
Mood: sore.
Music:"Unbreak My Heart" Tony Braxton.
You are one of the few out there whose wings are
truly ANGELIC. Selfless, powerful, and
divine, you are one blessed with a certain
cosmic grace. You are unequalled in
peacefulness, love, and beauty. As a Being of
Light your wings are massive and a soft white
or silver. Countless feathers grace them and
radiate the light within you for all the world
to see. You are a defender, protector, and
caretaker. Comforter of the weak and forgiver
of the wrong, chances are you are taken
advantage of once in awhile, maybe quite often.
But your innocence and wisdom sees the good in
everyone and so this mistreatment does not make
you colder. Merciful to the extreme, you will
try to help misguided souls find themselves and
peace. However not all Angelics allow
themselves to be gotten the better of - the
Seraphim for example will be driven to fighting
for the sake of Justice and protection of those
less powerful. Congratulations - and don't ever
change - the world needs more people like you.

*~*~*Claim Your Wings - Pics and Long Answers*~*~*
brought to you by Quizilla
Comments: Add Your Own.

Saturday, January 24th, 2004

Subject:Hey you, this is me. This is how I feel.
Time:7:52 pm.
Mood: discontent.
Music:The sound of my fingers hitting the keys.
Yeah... so... yeah.

I'm depressed and frustrated with just about everyone and everything right now. I feel numb, confused, and stupid. I sit back and reflect and think that maybe it's not me that completely changed. Maybe everyone else changed around me too and I was just blind to it. I find my self wishing I would just fall asleep and stay in dreamland forever, since that place can be so much better than here. Sometimes I wish that I could just fall asleep and not wake up until college or at least summer.

I'm tired of feeling pushed away or feeling distant from people. I'm tired of talking and feeling like no one is listening. I listen. I care. I help where I can. But I don't feel like anyone does that in return. Anyone. Not my friends, not my family. I understand I talk about myself often, but I listen too. And I care when I listen. I dont know if anyone else really feels that way. I just feel like most people listen for good reasoning, but the wrong intentions. I feel like everyone listens to like, make them seem so good and kind and.. wonderful. Or to make themselves feel significant or good in their own eyes, maybe because otherwise they could never feel that way. I dont know, maybe it's just a human thing. Sometimes I sit back and think that maybe I'm not human... or that deep down I'm really just an outsider trying to fit in. That no matter where I turn, everything is dark and stupid. What used to matter to me just seems like petty bullshit anymore. People never cease to amaze me. IT makes me angry.

I hate that.

I fought with Ben last night. I was upset about it this morning. It's not like people cared to notice or wonder why... and if they did I dont even really think they'd have cared to hear about it. So, I dont care to write it here. Why waste that kind of time? When I could... sit here in my chair bored because I have nothing better to do. I dont feel invovled. I feel like I have to be rude and invite myself places or try to make my own plans. And if I go out I feel like I bother people. I feel like I annoy them. I feel like they dont like me. I'm not even sure who likes me anymore.

I'm not sure if I like myself.

My great aunt was re-diagnosed with that same, very deadly, very rare cancer again. My family didnt even tell me until a month later. I was upset about it in school that Tuesday. No one noticed. I'm filled with so much hate and so much resentment for life. People notice that, I guess, and get frustrated with me for it. Thanks, I appriciate the help. I'll keep that in mind when I think about all the times I've tried to help you. You know, because I cared. And I mean you in the plural sense, meaning anyone, not anyone specific.

But maybe I"m being selfish. Maybe I should stop caring so much. Maybe I should stop letting everything get to me. Maybe I should act like a guy so that people will stop calling me a girl. Maybe I should stop talking to people. Maybe I should start lying to myself and pretend like I'm happy and lie to everyone else and pretend like I'm happy. Maybe I should lie to myself and be straight. Maybe I should just not be involved with anyone. Maybe I shoudl be single so I cant hurt people. Maybe I'd be better off living in a cabin in the woods somewhere in Flordia where I can grow beans and various fruits and vegetables and sell them and be alone. With animals. Maybe a cat and a dog... and a horse... and a bunny.

Right now that sounds REALLY inviting.

But no. I should go to college. I should start my life over, forget how bad my senior year sucks and how bad I hate myself and my life right now. Maybe i can start over again and not be depressed and unhappy. But who's to say I wont hate what I re-start? Who's to say I'll even be able to change?

I used to say that I'd be dead if it weren't for my friends. I said that up to 4 months ago. I havent said it since. Yeah, it's true, I was a suicidal person. I would try to kill myself. I went to therapy for it and it didnt really help. I tried a few therapists. I figured I was better helping myself. Then I started meeting peole and talking to them. I started getting better. I made friends and I was 'happy.' But now I wonder if all that was a bunch of lies. Maybe I wasnt happy. Maybe I'm not supposed to have friends. I'm no longer suicidal, thank god, and I"ll never let myself get back to that point because I know how to prevent it now... but nothing can stop me from getting depressed. I dont know how to stop that, since it's not always in my control. Then, why should I let myself get depressed and sad and go through pain on someone elses account? Thats not fair to me.

Maybe I'm a leper. Maybe I'm meant to just be alone. Or maybe I'm like King Midas, only more like instead of things turning into gold, things turn into my enemy. Or whatever I touch in some way hurts me. Or instead of hurting me, ends up hating me. I dont know what I do. I really dont. NO ones ever told me. How should I know what I do wrong? It's not always as easy as black and white. Theres all those hazy shades of gray.

I dont remember the last time someone just gave me a hug. I've needed a good, caring hug so bad lately and no one really seems to just want to hug. Maybe because most of my friends are girls and I'm a guy and thats just 'not right.' I dont know. All I want is a good hug that lets me know everything will be alright and that someone does care... but I guess my friends dont like giving those kind of comforting hugs. I guess I'm the only one who likes to give them.

The bottom line is, I dont feel like anyone really cares anymore. I used to, but now I dont. I dont know what happened. It's gotten to the point that no matter who tells me that they really do care, I probably wont believe them. Thats how far off track I've gotten.

I think I'm just about done with my mental diarria for the time being. Thanks for reading, if you chose to do so. Hope it wasnt too long for you. That happens, though.
Comments: Read 4 or Add Your Own.

Friday, January 23rd, 2004

Time:12:50 pm.

You are going to Marry orlando Bloom. He will
always treat you right and is very romantic. He
will do anything for you. He is very polite and
has deep brown eyes and is very good looking
(which is another plus!). He can make anythind
cheesy look really good (like sliding down
stairs on a shield shooting arrows or wearing
pointy ears for example). Congrats!!

Which male celebrity are you going to marry? (10 results that have pics!)
brought to you by Quizilla
Comments: Add Your Own.

Tuesday, January 13th, 2004

Time:7:50 pm.
Hey people,

I'm so thankful for life right now. We've had two days off from school. I've really been able to catch up with my life in those two day. I feel so relieved and non so much overwhelmed right now, which is great b/c midterms start Friday and I dont have much to worry about other than that.

I finished Brave New World today. It's a wonderful book, Huxley is a genius. I suggest that anyone who hasnt read it should.

So, now that I'm free of making sure I get the book read, I have set an hour and a half for me to finish writing the essay and then I planon working on my site. I had all of these things I jammed into getting done on Sunday and I woudl nave NEVER finished them. All I say is hallelujah for these days off, I finished EVERYTHING.

I'll write again soon.

Comments: Add Your Own.

Sunday, January 11th, 2004

Time:2:13 am.
Mood: distressed.
Music:Cray rap beats/noises coming through my brother's door.
Hey folks,

I had a wonderful evening. I really enjoyed my night. I got to see Mary again. I sincerly, really missed her. It was great to see her again. She was looking great and all happy and I was all "yay." I love Mary Farrell so much.

Jackie invited some of us back to her house after the party and we all kind of sat around chatting and playing with her bunny and looking at LotR pictures and then a bunch of poeple left and it was Jackie, Michelle, Cheese, and me. I really love those kids.... they're the type of friends I do cherish a lot. I can really talk to them about how I truly feel about stuff without feeling like I'm offending someone, since god forbid I should offend someone with how I feel. Oh man.

It's dawned on me lately that some people are in for a real rude awakening. Like, sometime soon life isjust going to give them a giant bitchslap to the face. I already got mine and I'm rather relieved that I did. I'm sure Ive got a few more coming in the future, and I welcome them with open... face...s. I kind of feel bad for the people who are going ot college next year that are all prepared academically but arent going to know what this thing called 'real life' is. I've had to basically take care of myself for at least four years now. I had to get myself out of numerous tough times and rely on myself to make money, maintain it, do laundry, clean, and be responsible for myself AND my family at times, because I didn't have people to fall back on. I had me. That was it. There are times when I dont count on my friends. ONe of the biggest lessons I've leanred recently is that planning on having other people catch you when you fall is like relying on Jello to catch me from falling off the Empire State Building. People just aren't that reliable. If you want something done, or need someone to rely on, rely on yourself and only yourself. At least you know that YOU'll always be there for you.

Plus it's kinda hard to stab yourself in the back.

And, unless you live near a nuclear power plant or have a birth defect, you only have one face, not two.

Doug told me today that he wants to make me a manager whenI turn 18. Hoopa to that.

This is where I'm going to post my musical update. If you feel, think, or fear that you may be offended by the content between the dashlines, then dont read. I'm giving a fair warning now that some people could be offended by the material.

Thank you.


I went to the Adult ensemble choir rehersal on Wed. Thats was fun. a handful of people showed up, which is always nice. Great to see just how dedicated some people are. Really. I know a certain female who is quite talented would have been there if she had made it. What a shame. Poor girl is getting shunned left and right, and no one's exactly sure why. Her auditions rock. She's talented. She's dedicated. It's just kind of pathetic that things turn out this way.
Thursay I was supposed to work, so I told our director that I wouldnt be at Thursday's Rehearsal. He got mad and told me to quit my job. I laughed at him. Yeah, tell the financially disadvantaged kid who's going to college in 9 months to quit his job. Thats a good one. Anyway, Thursday before I went to take my permit test, a co-worker called and asked if she could cover my shift and not really feeling up to being at work, I decided to let her. I went to take my test and all this crap happened I coudlnt actually get my permit processed b/c my doctor messed up the form, so I called a friend to see what they were doing thinking maybe theycould take me back up. In the midst of working and then not working and all this permit crap I forgot about rehearsal that evening, b/c I originally didnt have to go. I had also made plans to try and see my boyfriend now that I wasnt working. So, I told my friend what was going on and they were all "Oh okay whatever" and we hung up. I considered going to rehersal but then I decided that I probably have more productive things to do with my time than sit around from 5-9:30 doing nothing. So I went upstairs, felt really pained and tired and decided to lay down for an hour.
I woke up at 8:30.
All pissed off and groggy, I got up, watched Tru Calling, did some homework, cleaned my room, and went online. I talked to a few people until about 10:30 and went to bed. The next day at school I ended up getting my ear beat off by my director b/c I hadnt been at rehersal the previous night. Someone had told him where I was. Not quite sure who.. yet. So he went off on me for awhile, basically telling me how 'un-dedicated' I am and that he's cutting people next week and that mabye I should just quit. Meanwhile, I've been to every rehearsal thus far that I needed to be at, I told him I wasnt coming Thursday night, and last year I showed up to EVERY rehearsal I was needed at, even if I was extremely ill. I'm not going to put myself through that again this year. So, I went to rehearsal Friday night and was on stage for about 20 minutes tops and then just sat around for and hour and 40 minutes. He told us that we just sit around and thats the way it works. Thats a waste of our time. Thats inconsdierate. If thats they way 'it works' than the system needs a review. Thats unnecissary, in the first month of rehearsal. We dont need to be sitting around the first WEEK of rehearsal.
I also found out that my part that wasn't in the script really wasnt in the script, even though I was told numerous times that he WAS IN THE SCRIPT and that I was wrong. Turns out my other part is in the same scene as the non-existant part and therefore I would haveonly been one part anyway.
I'm really glad I'll be with Jackie and Michelle backstage. I really do love them. Plus I have a lot of faith that these sets are going to look wonderful. I hear they'll look very "Who Framed Roger Rabbit"-y and that really excites me. I picture these oddly shapped houses and lamp posts and I get all excited. Also, I'm really impressed with a lot of the people that I didnt really think were right for thet parts they got. I'm very pleased in that aspect. I just still feel bitter and that I got screwed over. Oh well, I guess that happens. Thats life, suppose I better get used to it. Just another big slap in the face, I suppose. It's supposed to give me a wake up call so I better take it now before it's too late. Or soon at least. I'm going to let my bitterness die down gradually, because it will.


I apologize in advance if that offended anyone. It's my journal, I may end up offending people. Please dont reply with "Well thats stupid, shut up" posts. They're unnecissary since I know most of you feel that way at this point. I just dont feel like most people are seeing anything from my perspective.

Uh... I really need to read Brave New World, so I'm gonna conclude my extra-long entry here. I may post some poetry that I wrote. Maybe not. I'll post soon.

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Tuesday, January 6th, 2004

Subject:Long Long time
Time:1:19 am.
Mood: cynical.
Music:"It's My Life" ~NO DOUBT!!!! WOOOO!!!!.
Well it's late and I took a nap today so I feel like updating this journal thing that I havent updated in a long long time.

Uh... yeah, I hate high school. I want out. I want college. I got accepted to Berea (The one in Kentucky) and chances are, thats where I'm headed. *Huge sigh of relief* I'm so glad to be getting out of here.

Darlene is quitting. Darlene is my favorite manager. I am sad. VERY VERY VERY sad. Now what will I do? She suggested that I talk to Doug on Thursday about training to be a Swing Manager before Summer starts, since I'll legally be able to close and open and such, have a liscence, and I do take my job very seriously when I have those sort of promotions. (When I became a crew trainer I took it VERY seriously, but then when I found out I woudlnt be getting paid more, I laughed at them and stopped doing the extra work.) Plus I'll be able to stay on board 4 more years as a manager and make more money and woudl be able to trasnfer wherever I go, which is a lot of nice. But I'm still sad about Dar leaving :( :( :(

We talked about the Sociology project in class today. I think I"m going to do Gay Rights. I'm afraid of backlash, but then I realized that by the time I present I'd only have a month left, and at that point why would I care? Plus I'm very itnerested in that topic and have LOADS of info at my fingertips. Therefore, I shall do that topic.

I'm in the quartet. As vain as it sounds... and actually I mean for it to sound vain b/c I dont care if it sounds vain or not... if I woudlnt have gotten in I would have been shocked and very uproar-ish. And I think rightfully so. I've gotten really good with harmony and keeping pitch over 3 years and I may be better than the other three. There's no way for me to know that, they coudl very well be better than me, but thats not something for me to decide. I just know i would have been upset. Getting the quartet made me a littel happier about this damn show, but not much. My next step is to talk to Miss Stimmel and Mr. Deluce about being a dancer in as many dance numbers as possible. I'd like to be a dancer in the show, even in the teenage scenes. I think I'm a good dancer once I KNOW the dances (It takes me a bit to get the dance down, but when I have it I nail it) and the dances last year were NOT difficult. The dance audition was mucho easy too. So I hope to butter my way into being a dancer. Listen to me... 'butter.' I'm such a fag... er... freak... er... asshole.

I's got's a's boy'sfriend's. Thats all I can say b/c I dont want to say the wrong thing and then have people asking me questions b/c I'm really not allowed to tell who it is, I dont want to out him. That would be bad. He doesnt go to our school though. Or maybe he does. HA! Think about that for awhile.

MARY'S COMING HOME!!!! WHEEE!!! I'm so exicted.

Okay I'm sick of writing. I want to go finish my homework and go to bed. So, Goodnight.

And remember, the CaRANberries are in the foetal position.

<3 Mike
Comments: Read 4 or Add Your Own.

Monday, September 8th, 2003

Subject:Someone Tell Me Why... I Do the Things That I Don't Wanna Do...
Time:10:58 pm.
Mood: apathetic.
Music:"Lucky" Bif Naked.
Sorry I haven't updated in awhile... I have been pretty busy, as most of you know.

School started, (Do I really need to say that? Isn't it obvious?) and all would be fine and dandy but I got a math class. I didn't schedule math, which makes me kind of sad. But, when I'm allowed to drop it I"ll be anti-sad, so, the past statement was kind of unnecissary. But other than that, my classes are wonderful. I love them.
DeLuce had me scared of the pace that Concert Choir goes, but I really really love it! It's so much better than Mixed and I take in so much more info because I tend to be a quick learner. Mixed is sort of like my reinforcement, however he goes so slow and it makes me kind of bored. Speech is so great, I love it. I had my first speech today and I did pretty well. Precalc is just blah. I dont want to go there. I love French because the whole class is pretty much my friends and it's nice and we're all close and so much easier to learn. I dont care what people say, Mrs Bergey (Miss Lott) is awesome, she really cares about us as students and people, and that makes me feel really good. Not a lot of teachers are like that anymore. It's nice. Mrs. Bond and English is just... I can't put it into words. I love it so much. She's like your modern day English teacher. Her style kind of reminds me of how Drew Barrymore's character in Donnie Darko would teach class. Kind of. I love it. And Sociology is going to be interesting when we get right into it. Mr. Nitowski learned names so fast! It was great. He's really fiar. However I wish when he lectures he'd have a bit more inflection in his voice or soemthing. What he says is interesting, but if he were walking around and doing things with words, I'd find it easier not to zone out. But I still love the way he teaches, none the less. I jsut zone out a lot.

Chamber auditions were today. I'm sort of nervous about that. I mean, I really feel that when I sang with Jordan that we did very well with blend. But I'm still nervous. But the nice thing is, though, I'll definitely know I got into Chamber out of hard work and determination, because I'm up against 4 other great guys and only 3 of us can make the cut. The list goes up first thing in the morning. I'm not going to be able to sleep tonight, LoL. Oh boy.

I've also, from only being in Soc and Ap English for a week and a day, have found my views on life and the world changing. A lot of it came from the summer reading. I'd go into all of it now, but I'm starting to realize that I have no reason to get mad at people like I do or be vengeful or angry. I need to learn to deal with people's quirks. And I am going to start being really nice to people. That will get me so much furhter. That will also give people less reason to be mean to me or tease me and stuff. And usually I take teasing and stuff pretty ewll, unlike I did... two years ago. I've changed so much and I'm really kind of happy with the direction I'm going in, I just need to make sure I 'sweep off the path' as I go. Make sure everything is clear and I'm always happy with what I'm doing, even if people around me are doing things I dont agree with. I need to have an open mind, which I've really acquired this summer, which is wonderful. I'm so much more perceptive and open to new beliefs and people's opinions. I like this new mentality. :0D Say hello to a new me, a new me who has to be ready for a new world in a year.

Well I have homework to do and then bed. Goodnight folks, I may update tomorrow.


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Tuesday, August 26th, 2003

Subject:Worst Sequel in Existence
Time:2:08 am.
Mood: disappointed.
Music:My non-musical angery thoughts over Final Desintation 2.
Well no one's online and I'm about to jump into bed because I do have to work tomorrow but I need to warn everyone of something...

If you saw Final Destination and liked it, please, under any circumstances, do NOT NOT NOT NOT NOT NOT NOT NOT NOT NOT NOT watch the second installment. I was so fucking disappointed in it that it honestly made me want to vomit. You do not realize how many times I threw my hands up in the air and said "This is bullshit." I won't even re-watch it just to count, and you all know normally I would.

It is absolutely senseless in it's deaths, the plot makes it so that by the end of the movie, you've completely wasted the last hour and a half, and it kills all of the characters you actually start to like, because, oh my god, they actually had some sort of character development. But no, wait, they killed those characters. It just completely ruins the effect the first movie made and... arg. I do not even know what to say anymore. Just please, battle any urge you may possibly have of seeing it (I'm sure most of you dont have that urge anyway) and do not waste your time.

By the end of the movie, I was just like "Well, why dont we just kill ALL the fucking characters" because, I meanr eally, it was just getting to that point. And the deaths in the first movie were creative and I'm talking CREATIVE and these deaths were definiately just... stupid is the first word that comes to mind. I've seen half of them in other crap horror flicks. I'm so utterly diappointed right now. Really. It's one of those movies that starts off really good and ends leaving you with that "What the fuck was I thinking watching this shit" feeling.

*Sigh* Plus they killed the hot kid and the cool chick and the funny chick, which is just cruel, since the survivors were boring and uninteresting. Arg.

Okay, now that I have that tangent out of me, Maddie did let me borrow Chicago, so I have a choice of just re-watching that to cheer myself up or watch Just Married b/c it's a funny movie. I'm gonna watch Bringing Down the House tomorrow night and then I have to take all these flicks back to blockbuster by noon on Wenesday. I also work tomorrow from 2-7:30. Blah. really that means I'll work 2-7 because I can only work 5 hours before I have to take a break. Retarded.

I'm almost done re-arranging my room. SEe, I'm also disappointed because I stopped doing the cleaning to watch the movie and now I'm kind of mad that I did that. Actually I"m really mad. Grr to that sir, grr to that.

Well, I'm gonna start watching Just Married and then hop into bed. I'll talk to you guys soon.



PS: Please dont die any weird deaths tonight, okay? ;0D :0p
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Saturday, August 23rd, 2003

Time:11:20 am.
Kitcha Fuck.

The End.
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Blurty for SlayerRaider.

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