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Blurty for SlayerRaider.
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| Wednesday, February 2nd, 2005 |
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Democrats Rednecks Parents who bring squalling brats to R-rated movies The Pope Republicans River Styx Creationists River Phlegyas DMV Employees Closed Minded Fools George Bush |
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| Friday, January 14th, 2005 |
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It's because I'm not the thin attractive gay boy. I hate myself. |
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They sit across the room. It feels as though they are deciding my fate. I feel frightened and uneasy. Why? |
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They sit across the room. It feels as though they are deciding my fate. I feel frightened and uneasy. Why? |
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They sit across the room. It feels as though they are deciding my fate. I feel frightened and uneasy. Why? |
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| Wednesday, January 12th, 2005 |
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I hate myself. I hate my body. I hate that I'm single. I love home. I hate my mom. I hate my family. I love my family. I love my mom. When will I ever be comfortable with myself? When will it be my turn? When will I find love and be happy? They say that I put too much importance on it. But those are the same people who have almost had it. The same people who have had lasting relationships. People who have and had the ability to give what I want to give, but cannot. Fuck them. Fuck them all. WHEN IS IT MY TURN!?!?!?! |
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| Tuesday, January 4th, 2005 |
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Good ol' blurty. It's been awhile. Life is holding up. I feel so empty. I feel so outside here. I feel so alone anymore. I miss Pittsburgh. I miss home. I miss liberty. I miss Pegs. I miss Mollie. I miss Misfit. I miss Joe. I miss a sense of direction. I miss home. I miss gramma. I miss life. I miss freedom. I miss a lot of things. Most of all... ...I miss me. Feeling... where have you gone? |
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| Thursday, December 2nd, 2004 |
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But doesn't know how he feels. Shawn... He told him to stop today. A step closer? I wish I knew.... Unto tear stained pillows But why it's there I cannot say I know it's wrong There's nothing wrong That we must take our time And wait But impatience reigns With fucked up games That we play with Our own heads If we could stop Take it in Forget the past Unjade ourselves Uncomplicate it all Then maybe for once We could be... ...happy. But instead We metaphorically Kill ourselves. Do you know what it's like to lay in bed at night, and while crying yourself to sleep, pray to a god you gave up on years ago and beg him to just kill you if he refuses to help? I wish I could rekindle my faith... and I dont like to place blame... but where is he in my life through all the pain? Why does the pain turn to sorrow? I suppose I'll never know. |
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| Tuesday, November 16th, 2004 |
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Well things seem to be okay right now. Things have settled. I talked to Shorty last night. It felt good. My life is slowly piecing itself back together. This guy is hot. That guy that visits Vincent down the hall is uber hot. It's funny that no one reads this. I feel kind of awkward, knowing someone I know will happen across it someday. |
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| Monday, November 15th, 2004 |
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I knew it. I knew this would happen. I hate myself for setting myself up for this. I'm so sick of heartbreak. I just want to go home. *Breaks into tears* |
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I guess, sometimes it takes throwing yourself out there to get anything back. Just prepare yourself to fall. |
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So I just went out on a limb and IM'ed him. I said "Hey, have a safe trip?" I'm such a dork. Steven IM'ed him. I feel drama ensuing. WHY WONT MY PAST JUST DIE!?! I'm such a dork. Why does he even bother with me? Someone as attractive as him could easily find a really good looking, sweet guy. Not a fucked-up headcase like me. I hate myself. I just want to make people happy. I feel like I cause them more pain than anything. =( |
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I am so low right now. I am reminded of a certain song I like to sing/post when I meet a new guy I'm really into. "Damaged" TLC I fucking hate what I let my mind do to me, god damnit. I had a spectacular weekend with Eric. I was so content and happy last night and into today. Then, something happened tonight and I started getting paranoid again. I started asking myself "Does he really like me? Am I what he expected? Does he still feel the same way about me now that he's met me in person? Would he rather have someone who is more attractive than I? Was I too affectionate? Was I over-bearing?" These aren't think I should have to constantly ask myself. I don't understand what's wrong. Urgghghgggggh. So here I lay, wondering if he'll come online. What's pathetic is I'll probably lay here until the wee hours of the morning, hoping he'll sign on, when I know full well he probably won't. I probably wont talk to him or see him again. God. What have I done. I feel so lost here. I fell for him this weekend. My sitting here proves to me that I let myself become attatched. God damnit, I can't handle any more heartbreak. I just can't. If I crash land again... that may be it... I don't want to know what will happen to me if it happens again. I can't handle being so fucking on the edge of a breakdown. He just returned from away. I wonder if he'll IM me. I don't want to IM him first, so that I dont seem like an over-bearing stalker. I'll see what he does. That'll show me whether he wants to still talk. Then again, what if he doesen't want to be the first person to IM? Then neither of us will contact the other. Oh god damn. This post could never go onto my LJ. No one fucking reads this journal anymore. That makes me feel safe. Even if someone does happen across it, these events will be so fargone that it wouldn't make a difference. Or perhaps it would. I'll just hope no one comes across it. I feel so obssessed, it's creepy. I have to tone that down. I suppose it's because I dont know what he feels and I really would like to know. We both seem so much more open online. However, I was more open in verbally experessing affection and sentiments than I have with any other guy. Still, there is a certain boldness that goes with chatting online. Oh fucking hell. *Sighs* Still no communication. I have this really bad feeling that he's going to give me the "I dont we're eachother's type" deal... or something like it. I just get that feeling. I'm trying to make the crash landing a little more pillow-ed. I'm going to start typing in here as if it were my offline journal. I don't write there much anymore. Lalalalalalalala... I'm questioning whether I shoudl take the damn Paxil. *Brain rips apart* So much stress over such silly things. Things that should make me beaming with happiness have me stressed. Should I just IM him? Maybe I'll do the sign off/sign on thing... It wouldnt let me do it and he definitely just signed off. *Heart shatter* I feel so stupid. SO STUPID. GOD. *Cries* This is my life. Accept it. Oh he's back. Maybe he did the sign on/sign off thing. I have issues. I'm so dramatic. Ugh, I'm going to post this and then do a follow-up. |
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| Sunday, November 7th, 2004 |
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Blurty... Wow it's been so long. I know that no one checks this and on the off chance that someone does... hey! You probably traveled here out of curiousity to see if anyone is still posting. To catch you up, live journal was down for maintenence and I needed to vent, so I came here. I couldnt find the "Update" button b/c I'm so accustomed to LJ. But good ol' blurty. I had a fight with Paul tonight... very tiny... but I let a side of me show that I haven't shown since I've been here. I wanted that side of me to die... I hoped it had died... because it only lived at home... but I now realize that I live here and that part of me wont die. I still fight with people here the way I would at home. Perhaps I shouldnt have left home... nothing changed it's just a new enviornment. So maybe I was better suited at home. I think when I come home at Christmas... it'll be for more than 2 weeks. |
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| Tuesday, July 6th, 2004 |
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date/place of birth: May 11th, 1986 instruments played: Voice.... hey, it's an instrument.... and little piano and guitar (I just play it, I dont know chords or anything.) instrument you wish you played: Full-out Piano, so I could write music... and the guitar full-out as well. favorite playground game: Freeze-Tag favorite Star Wars line: Uh.... death. favorite myth/Greek god/ demigod: I don't have a favorite. I love Greek Mythology. first cd ever owned: The Titanic Soundtrack how do you think you will die: Some crazy, bizarre occurence that leaves everyone thinking rather than mourning. favorite literary device: imagery... I agree with Duncan.... OHhh!!!! AND METAPHORS! I LOVE METAPHORS TOO! EXXXXXXXXTEEEEEEEENDEEEEED METAPHORS RULE! favorite element: *Shrugs* I love gooooooooold. hahahaha favorite Ninja Turtle: The hot one. You know, the one with the hot voice. .... Oh like you dont think turtles are hot. favorite thing your mom threw away without asking: Oh let's not even go there. what made you start playing the instrument you play now: I dont care. Love, Mike. |
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| Wednesday, June 30th, 2004 |
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I returned videos to the video store and walked home, about twenty minutes ago. There is a gay couple that lives across the street. Well, I didn't know it was a couple until today, but I've seen this car plastered with rainbows and the such, so I know that a gay PERSON lives there at least. On my way down to the store, a guy in an SUV (Which I've seen there before) pulled up in a shirt and tie. He was holding a briefcase and everything, he looked very classy, cute, and business-like. I watched him go into the house. I thought this was cool. On my way back, the man was leaving the house, re-fastening his tie. He looked very happy and was practically skipping back to his car. (He looked to classy to skip, though, but if he were less classy I'm sure he would have been.) Either way, he had htis huge smile plastered on his face. He had proably come to see his boyfriend on his lunch break. I smiled, I thought this was a very cute scene, the happy guy, that is. I walked into my house, kicked off my sandals and fell onto my couch. I then frowned. The happy scene made me sad. The guy must love the boyfriend across the street, since he came all the way over on his lunch break to visit him. I realized that I still have that strong desire to love someone and beloved back. I too want to walk otu of a boyfriends apartment smiling and practically skipping. For awhile, I had lost the desire to be in love, but it's back now, at full speed. *Sigh* I want to be in love and be loved in return. |
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| Monday, June 28th, 2004 |
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Work sucked... but when doesn't it? I work 5 days this week, which is awesome for the money, but I just hate working in the grill everyday. Boo-hoo-hoo-hoo. At least it gives me something to do during the day. Yup. I've decided I have nothing to worry about from my previous entries, I was being paranoid. It's just one of my many complexes to be that way. My mind can't believe that someone may actually like me, so it tries to convince me that they don't and I'm imagining the whole event. I'm kicking my paranoid mind's ass, though. I think it's eating dirt... b/c I have it's face smashed into the ground with my over-sized shoes. (In my head, I have cartoon feet, you know, like Bozo shoes... but not quite so large.) Well, I'm getting bored with my summer, so I'll be posting here a lot. I'm going to bathe right now, and then work on my site a bit, and then I'll come back here with some surveys. Wooha. |
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*Grumbles sleepily* I'm leaving for work. I don't want to go to work today. Surprisingly, I haven't had any trouble getting up and going to work the past 3 weeks, but today I'm not feeling so well and I'm very sleepy and I keep t hinking "Just fucking don't go in" but I have to. *Sigh* At least my day wont be all that long. That was all. I was killing time before I have to leave. Later, Blurtonia. ~Mike |
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| Sunday, June 27th, 2004 |
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You know... the more I think about it... the more I realize how fucking STUPID I'm being. Isn't it just like me to let my mind play tricks on me? I just had the most amazing weekend and I'm going to sit here and try and ruin it by thinking "Well maybe..." Fuck maybe. I'm settling with my inital feelings. If I was wrong, well then I suppose I was wrong. What else could happen? All I know is that I am so happy about my weekend and that it really meant so much to me and that there is no reason for me to be so foolish. For once I am able to just yell at myself and say "Shut the fuck up, Mike. Think about all that happened and THEN try and convince yourself it was all your imagination. Thats bullshit, wise up. Stop creating personal drama. Sure, there may be a chance you're wrong, but that doesnt really explain a lot. Go ahead and ask your questions, Mike, if you really want to be totally sure that you weren't imagining things.... but either way, remember what this weekend did for you and how much it may change your outlook on things. Jeez." Yes, that was me yelling at myself, or, at least, the half of my mind that was happy finally getting fed up with my paranoid mind. The paranoid mind gets to take over so often... and in this case I guess the happy part of me wanted to take control and to have me stop acting like a fool. And I'm glad it did. <3<3 |
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Howdy guys and gals, it's me, good ol' Mike, here for another delightful installment of 'Mike's Life, in Segements' I just had the most wonderful weekend. I want to say it was the most wonderful weekend ever, but that may be an exageration, I'm not sure. But, it's up there. If not number one, then definitely number two or three. So, it's in the top three then. Yes. I think I smiled more this weekend than I have in the past year. I'm not talking those fake smiles either. These smiles came directly from my heart... it's just this weird feeling that I get when a smile really means something. I had those smiles so many times. It was surreal, because I was so happy the entire weekend and I dont recall ever being that happy. =0D But now the weekend is over and I must reflect on it, sitting alone, typing here to my faithful Blurty. Blurty always listens and understands. Unfortunately, Blurty doesn't give me advice, which is a downer. My problem, my dear Blurty, is that I'm caught in an emotional earthquake. Part of me is so happy and overjoyed and I have all these superb feelings, but the ohter part is full of doubt. Not about my feelings, but about other felings. For instance: I'm constantly asking myself if I have a reason to be so happy, because are those feelings just in vain? I hate not knowing and guessing; I'm bad at estimates. My mind seeks for answers, but the question sare difficult to ask. Not difficult in the manner of speaking, but in the way of asking. My stomach feels nausiated. Part of me is happy, the other full of doubt, so my stomach is basically churnning about it. Also, part of me really wants to say that there is no reason for me to be so paranoid about this and that there is no reason to be 'nervous' about these questions, but the other part says the exact opposite. How should I know if my feelings are being shared? My mind tells me that this is the worst feeling: Having so much feeling towards something and not having those feelings returned or returned in the same magnitude. I fear answers that will hurt me, but my life is full of pain and that's how I've learned and grown. I wish my mind didn't always defy me and would justl et me be happy, for once. I wish that my mind didn't seek doubt and would simply let me believe that the feelings are being shared. Once again, my complexes and my paranoia are interfering with happiness. I fear that all those treasured moments I had this weekend were simply my imagination convincing me of what I wanted and that everything I thought was true was actually fake. This is a horrible way to feel. I have now decided that I'd rather have my heart broken than live not knowing. This emotional pull inside of me is intense and it's tearing me up from the inside out. I feel like crying, but whether the tears are for joy or for saddness I'm not sure. I hate to seek pity from others, so I tend to pity myself, but I hate that too, so I rarely do that too. So that is also causing this paranoid depression to hurt more: because I want to cry about it, but my other half (the half telling me I'm being stupid and that everything I saw and all those traded smiles and deep stares and touches were real and that maybe, just maybe, my feelings are being shared) stops me from crying because it says there is no reason to. So, a broken heart is better than this. At least I can mend that. Not knowing... thats something I can't fix. So, I suppose, I should just ask these intimidating questions and risk a broken heart rather than live with this feeling. I suppose I have to. It is my..... duty...... uh.... sure. I'll update later to let my faithful Blurty know how this goes. <3Mike PS: Blurty, I've finally realized that you may not GIVE me feedback, but by typing my words into your database, I am helping myself b/c it gives me a chance to reflect. Of course, my offline journal does that too. But all of that information is highly personal information that few poeple get to know. I'm just that select. You are not good enough to know this information, so leave. Stop reading my Blurty. AHHH!!!!!!! I kid. Those of you that read this probably know that info about me anyway. Especially.... you... because... of the comfortability factor, and, yes, you can interpurt this entry in the way I'm sure you are, because, yes, you know what it's about, seeing as you WERE the weekend. I've said to much. Then again, I'm supposed to ask you these intimidating questions anyway, soI guess giving up too much information is not possible. However, if you happen to read this and think my asking these questions is a bad idea, let me know. That would help.... Okay, work tomorrow. Sleep. Now. Goodnight. |
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Blurty for SlayerRaider.
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hopeful.
satisfied.
tired.
ecstatic.