Below are the 13 most recent journal entries recorded in Insider on Jerry's Life's Blurty:

Saturday, May 29th, 2004
12:28 am	supposed to be a great day I've just moved into a new house with a friend, i left six friends behind. a place that i had grown to call home, in an ok neighborhood with decent people. i grew to call these friends almost like brothers to me. i have a job now, and my father and stepmother progressively remove me from their family. as also they have left florida and moved to alabama. i didnt get to see them before they left. my mum is currently moving to maryland within the month. and i feel sad. but also because of something extremely dumb and stupid. and i hate it because no matter what the more i try not to think about it the more it is thought about. my girlfriend is away now... she's been away from almost a week. a length that i had no truly understood till now. a pain grows from missing her terribly. and even though i know i see her tomorrow. it remains... (Comment on this)
Sunday, February 15th, 2004
7:24 pm	Getting some thangs out in the open... When was the last time I wrote here? A few weeks ago. Prolly. Hmm..... These past few weeks have had some really great things happen to me, and then some not so great things. I've met this girl, she's so awsome and great. With her its like I pull out all the stops, I've never met someone so kind and genuine, someone who cares for others almost more than they care for themselves, someone selfless and noble who is down to earth, wouldn't hurt a fly, gentle and sweet. and has a beauty about her that is beyond words; inside and out. I really like her, but I'm worried like crazy. Even though I feel that I could do anything when I'm around her and she'll like me regardless, and even though she says so. I don't want to set myself up for hurt. I fear that I'm doing so, and I'm moving to fast. Things I do and say are genuine and comes from the heart, but its things that people don't really do or say regardless, let alone a month into a relationship. I keep hearing voices from people from my last relationships 'becareful, your moving to fast, your gonna get hurt. your setting yourself up, you care way too much.' I get this feeling every now and then that It can't work out, its not possible, why should I be lucky or happy. What did I do to deserve this. As a reader reading this it seems small and trite, I'm not sure if you've been in these shoes, but if you have you know that this feeling doesn't feel small or trite. I'm not sure what to do, I want to stay with her with almost all of my heart, but there is this extremely small part that says 'hey bud, it aint gonna work' Besides her, my life is ok, I've got good and bad grades in school, my friendship are aite, and I've been working out. Hmm..... Gonna go back and study, maybe getting this out will help me concentrate better... Current Mood: uncomfortable Current Music: Kelis (Comment on this)
Sunday, February 1st, 2004
4:16 am	Wee hours of the morning... Forewarning on the journal, this one is gonna suck. My life totally blows rite now peeps. My skool progress is nil, its as if i don't care anymore. My friendships are falling apart. I'm losing the few valued items I own. I can't even begin to describe how much my luck with the opposite sex is diminishing. I look out the porthole to the dark crimson blue and all I see are fourty foot swells and a hurricane brewing. The small yat, the symbol of my life, sways helplessly back and forth narrowly avoiding its empending doom. As I stare out from the damp cold cabin, my boat begins to give in to the troubled waters. My desperate pleas give no heed to the storm, as it relentlessly pummels my vessel over and over again. My beakon is light, my cry for help is sound. In the middle of these waters however, there is no one to hear my call. None. I can't give up though. Giving up isn't in me, sometimes I wish it was. Just to be able to not care anymore, wow. The idea is exciting. I care to much, this is my problem, I care for people and things that I should otherwise not care for. But I can't help who I am. I'm a hippocite. And if there was one person I hate, it would be myself. There is obviously something wrong with me, because it can't be everything and everyone else. I wish I knew what it was, but I'm not expected to find out anytime in my life time. I need to start getting things accomplished. I need to better myself. Be the person I know I can be, and quit getting by. I do nothing, when I should be doing much more. I want to change, I just don't know how to. (Comment on this)
Tuesday, December 30th, 2003
10:08 pm	Insite? I NEED SOME! Ok, things just went sour with someone. Someone that I like. N I just needa get things out, see what I'm thinkin so that maybe I can help myself understand her and me better. Ok here it goes. She is still getting over a long relationship with a guy that treated her with no respect. She is not prone to just opening up to people, which is new to me. And tells me that I RUSH INTO THINGS! I DO! And I hate it!! And I want to stop it!!! Also, we really clicked at first and we drifted apart once I told her that I wanted to date her. I was rushing, for we only hanged out once. And we just finished talking for a couple hours of pure misunderstanding after not really talking for a week. I don't know what to do. She says I question everything. She has got to be one of the most complex people I kno, and someone that I really don't understand. Which is weird, because I like can see everyone. N, I want to fix things but I don't kno what to say. Lots of things are happening with me right now, and I guess I just want her to be apart of them. I think I'm gonna call her in a lil bit to say just that. Because when there is a problem I just can't get it off my mind till I find a solution. Besides that I feel that I need to give my usual insite, but I can't because my mind is fogged, which is not me. So, I don't know what is going on with me right now. I miss alot of people right now, Biggie, Linda, Natalia, Janie, Jamie, Anneliese, even Jeremy. And all I want to do is get back and start back with school. I feel that I took it out on Kristina. I am soooo stressed out with work I have to do, and car problems, and money, and how am I gonna spend time with people, and, and, and the list just goes on forever. I was getting annoyed with her so easily, but it was part that I've been wanting to talk to her all week, and finally get a chance and it didn't seem like she was all there, not what she had been when we talked in the past. Wow I am ranting. Now I am happy, cuz I know why I wasn't acting like my super cool funny self. Sweet! It was a total misunderstanding!!!!!! Things going wrong with me now.... I expect everyone to be as open as I am. I just expect to much out of everyone. I care for everyone, I make a habit to be considerate, and loving. I understand that not everyone is like me, but I still want them to be. I want everything now, its now or never. N I really want to stop this. This is the second girl within a month that says I go to fast. So.... I'm gonna slow everything down. I've got a lot of things going wrong with me right now. And I don't need anymore. Hrm...... ok, I wish I could be inspiring right now. Its coming back.... wait...... Don't think to hard. just let it flow. That all for now, buh-bye (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Wednesday, December 24th, 2003
2:59 pm	Christmas Its Christmas Eve. One of the most important holidays in the year. And all I can think about is how lonely I am. This holiday should be spent with your family, and even though I have part of mine here, I can't help but feel that there is a big part of it missing. A tremendous part of me is missing this christmas and my finger can not point out what it is. Thinking, as I usually am. I find myself all alone with only a couple true friends. Why, my whole life I have had to make the point to talk to everyone, I have to take the initiative. Because if there was not me calling, then there wouldn't be anyone to talk to. I used to think that it was their loss, but now I just understand. What about me people don't care enough to call, to just say hi, or maybe even talk. I am on the edge of an abyss peering down in the darkness. I'm desperate for a reason, for some hope not to fall, but the harder I closer I get to the edge. The wind blows harder and harder, pushing me towards the dark fall. I look around and no one is here to help me. I've devoted myself for helping, understanding, caring. But no one cares anymore about anyone else. (Comment on this)
Wednesday, December 3rd, 2003
12:56 pm	Life is goin betta! Yup Yup! It is, it is!!! Wow it is. Well parts are. My family problems are still there, and so is school, ehh... But, when it comes to girl problems I think I have lucked out, finally. But right now I don't want to do anything to jinx things, because I think I'm a very lucky man... So, for now I can dispose of much. All I can say is that this past Monday I was going to do something I would have deffinently regretted, because what I did do made the events that are unfolding now happen. But, like I said, I can't deliver much info now. I can say that Monday I had one of the best times I've had in a while, and I wasn't drunk! Which is amazing. I toyed with a cop, heheheheheheh, damn doughnut mongers... He was following me so I kept switching lanes on his ass to see if he would follow mE, and he did.. haha. I waisted that fat fuks time. Like after twenty lane changes and five minutes he finally turned his lights on and pulled me over. So..... what type of ticket may you ask that i got? None! I didn't break any laws... so round one goes to me! Oh hell yeah!!!!!! Gotta go...... I'll write muchos more later..... byes! Current Mood: chipper Current Music: hoobastank! oh yeah!!! (Comment on this)
Thursday, November 20th, 2003
3:28 pm	A Quest For Answers: Questions I've been meaning to ask people things, the questions come up at the most inopportune times. I tell myself I will remember them, but later I forget. The funny thing is when I set out to write a series of questions down my brain is lost. So hopefully now that I am writing about forgetting to write about questions I will remember some of them. And indeed I have, which opted me to write this very journal. Questions that I hope I can remember to ask people. What are you fears, your inspirations, your dreams and goals. If you could do anything for a day what would you do. What makes you happy, what makes you sad. Do you love life, or do you just get by. Your favorite color, book, actor/ess, hero/en, food, person, part of history, thing to do, memory. What do you miss the most. What do you wish you could forget. Do you have any regrets, do you work on not letting them happen again. What annoys you, makes you feel bad, then again what makes you feel good. Do you believe in people, trust, faith, hope, honor, kindness. What don't you believe in. What would you do with a million dollars, what would you do for a million. Are you listening? These selfless acts will not go unlooked~ said by a great man. Who does selfless acts nowadays? Truly selfless acts, out of the kindness and gentleness of ones heart, not expecting anything in return. Open your eyes. Try and do new and sponteineous things everyday. Live. Love. Cherish every moment. Don't live with regrets, for you cannot change the past. Be happy, life is to short to be sad. Make someone smile everyday, you'll find that you too will smile. Learn something new. Have faith in those around you to always become better than you believe them to be. Trust one another. Let Go. The acts that are shared by the common wealth of the world are the interactions that we live by. These acts determine the future of our race/family/lives, if we don't start to learn from the mistakes we ourselves create in the past then quickly we will find ourselves traveling down a path for which is to small to turn around on. Although do not regret, do consider what ones have done wrong in the past and try and work to make sure those same mistakes are not repeated. Remember. Don't ever forget. Besides the rambling my life is falling of a cliff... (Comment on this)
3:28 pm	A Quest For Answers: Questions I've been meaning to ask people things, the questions come up at the most inopportune times. I tell myself I will remember them, but later I forget. The funny thing is when I set out to write a series of questions down my brain is lost. So hopefully now that I am writing about forgetting to write about questions I will remember some of them. And indeed I have, which opted me to write this very journal. Questions that I hope I can remember to ask people. What are you fears, your inspirations, your dreams and goals. If you could do anything for a day what would you do. What makes you happy, what makes you sad. Do you love life, or do you just get by. Your favorite color, book, actor/ess, hero/en, food, person, part of history, thing to do, memory. What do you miss the most. What do you wish you could forget. Do you have any regrets, do you work on not letting them happen again. What annoys you, makes you feel bad, then again what makes you feel good. Do you believe in people, trust, faith, hope, honor, kindness. What don't you believe in. What would you do with a million dollars, what would you do for a million. Are you listening? These selfless acts will not go unlooked~ said by a great man. Who does selfless acts nowadays? Truly selfless acts, out of the kindness and gentleness of ones heart, not expecting anything in return. Open your eyes. Try and do new and sponteineous things everyday. Live. Love. Cherish every moment. Don't live with regrets, for you cannot change the past. Be happy, life is to short to be sad. Make someone smile everyday, you'll find that you too will smile. Learn something new. Have faith in those around you to always become better than you believe them to be. Trust one another. Let Go. The acts that are shared by the common wealth of the world are the interactions that we live by. These acts determine the future of our race/family/lives, if we don't start to learn from the mistakes we ourselves create in the past then quickly we will find ourselves traveling down a path for which is to small to turn around on. Although do not regret, do consider what ones have done wrong in the past and try and work to make sure those same mistakes are not repeated. Remember. Don't ever forget. Besides the rambling my life is falling of a cliff... (Comment on this)
3:28 pm	A Quest For Answers: Questions I've been meaning to ask people things, the questions come up at the most inopportune times. I tell myself I will remember them, but later I forget. The funny thing is when I set out to write a series of questions down my brain is lost. So hopefully now that I am writing about forgetting to write about questions I will remember some of them. And indeed I have, which opted me to write this very journal. Questions that I hope I can remember to ask people. What are you fears, your inspirations, your dreams and goals. If you could do anything for a day what would you do. What makes you happy, what makes you sad. Do you love life, or do you just get by. Your favorite color, book, actor/ess, hero/en, food, person, part of history, thing to do, memory. What do you miss the most. What do you wish you could forget. Do you have any regrets, do you work on not letting them happen again. What annoys you, makes you feel bad, then again what makes you feel good. Do you believe in people, trust, faith, hope, honor, kindness. What don't you believe in. What would you do with a million dollars, what would you do for a million. Are you listening? These selfless acts will not go unlooked~ said by a great man. Who does selfless acts nowadays? Truly selfless acts, out of the kindness and gentleness of ones heart, not expecting anything in return. Open your eyes. Try and do new and sponteineous things everyday. Live. Love. Cherish every moment. Don't live with regrets, for you cannot change the past. Be happy, life is to short to be sad. Make someone smile everyday, you'll find that you too will smile. Learn something new. Have faith in those around you to always become better than you believe them to be. Trust one another. Let Go. The acts that are shared by the common wealth of the world are the interactions that we live by. These acts determine the future of our race/family/lives, if we don't start to learn from the mistakes we ourselves create in the past then quickly we will find ourselves traveling down a path for which is to small to turn around on. Although do not regret, do consider what ones have done wrong in the past and try and work to make sure those same mistakes are not repeated. Remember. Don't ever forget. Besides the rambling my life is falling of a cliff... (Comment on this)
Friday, November 14th, 2003
11:08 am	Whats a good word to describe how I feel? Depression is a key word. But it doesn't describe properly. Everything right now in my world that has been held with such confidence that it will not change does. And its weird, it never changes the way I would like it to be. Pain, Guilt, Fear; these words can also help describe the one word I am in desperation to find. I feel all alone in a sea of people that for no one I feel I can open up to. Why is this? I don't know. I hate this feeling, its sad and depressing in itself. Its weakness. There are sooo many things going on in my life right now that I feel like all I want to be is anywhere but here. Time and time again I find myself drifting and wondering trying to find a way out of the dismal life I lead. I look for hope and I try to find faith. But all I find is self-doubt. I'm tired of putting on a sharade acting like everythings going to be ok. When most things turn out to be what I did not want them to be. I guess I am coming out and saying now that my life is one big, ugly, meaningless broken sculpture that is in line to be destroyed. I try to find purposs, a reason to stay. More and more I am finding reasons to go back to active duty and leave this life. That way, someone over there that has a meaningful life back here can come home. Thats me, selfless, noble, honorable, chivalrous, charactaristics of a time long forgotten. I find meaning in my life giving it to others, for me its the bestest feeling in the world. Even greater than love, but loves so damn near impossible that why try. When you give your life for what you believe is a better cause than yourself. Saving lives. If you had the option of saving two strangers for the cost of your own would you? You know my answer. There is so much pain in my life. For this sometimes I wish I could perform open heart surgery on myself. I care for too much in a place that there is no caring. My family is dieing and leaving me. Many of my friends are fake and only talk to me to listen to themselves talk. I only know a couple truly good people in my life when I know sooo many. For this upsets me infinently. The only two things I feel I can open myself up too is a person who lives far away and this computer right here. Thats soooo sad isn't it? (Comment on this)
Thursday, November 6th, 2003
10:13 am	The downfall of society Good subject right? Hah, but lets see anyways. Have you ever heard of the saying 'downward spiral' what about 'tumbling down the rabbit hole' do you think there is a bottom to these? Imagine life as a downward tunnel that you are in. Imagine there never ever being a bottom (except for death). Society is in a rabbit hole, tumbling down down down. There is no stopping this. With great power comes great responsibility. Meaning the smarter and smarter we get the more and more mature we should become. Joke, yeah right. Control, freedom? what are these, just words that people preach, one in the same. They are each other, the yin and yang. The great illusion of freedom, one can strive for millions of years and never ever be free. To be free means you don't need anything, not even the air you breath or the sunlight that strikes your back, the people around you or the people you come to loath, death itself is a control. To be free is only in the mind, and one can trick themselves into believing freedom, but these people are locked in tiny padded rooms. Learn to love and cherish. I once watched a movie call Moulin Rouge, in which there was a saying 'the greatest thing is just to love and be loved in return' anyone who believes in loves believes in this. Love and cherish those around you, if you don't you will learn to hate yourself. Making things easy on yourself. What is your drive? What makes you tick? Who do you think you are? Who are you? What do you believe you are 'here' for? Why do you, not her or him, exist? What are your fears? Can you over come them? Have you? Do you believe in yourself? Why, why not? Are you unsure, insecure, sad, happy? Are you anything and nothing? Do you, yourself conflict? Are you a deep thinker or just shallow? Do you believe? In what? Do you think? Reality? What is reality? It is a word trying to define something that can not be explained. 'I think therefor I am' no..... you think therefor you believe you are. But not necessarily. Your life flashes before your eyes right before you die, maybe this is your life flashing before your eyes and you are already dead. Ever think of that? So what is reality? Reality is the totality of all things possessing actuality, existence, or essence. Thus defined. Why does man try to explain everything. Man say that hate is to feel dislike or distaste toward. Then you look at the definitions dislike and distaste. Dislike~To regard with distaste or aversion. The very definition has a word that means the same. So how can you describe an emotion using words that just loop hole? Do you feel like that describes you when you dislike someone? Hate someone? I don't. But then, I believe that it is impossible to truly hate someone. Although as time progresses I find out more and more how wrong I am. But I believe I am correct, and in that sense I cannot be wrong. Just as if you believe I am, therefor you can't be wrong either. Our beliefs define who we are, what we do and think. Belief: Mental acceptance of and conviction in the truth, actuality, or validity of something. Mental, its all there. Or at least I believe it is... (Comment on this)
Wednesday, November 5th, 2003
8:05 pm	Today....Long Long Long Events.... There are so many things going on inside my head right now. I know myself all to well. First, before you read, please understand that this is me describing how I feel right now. So, if you do not want to read then don't read. There will be good parts, but unfortunately right now there those parts are few and thin. Ok, I'm an endless fuk up. You've got to understand me, there isn't anything special about me. I'm a red headed, pale, crater faced, not so good looking body. Of course, this is how I feel now. I feel ugly inside and out. As you all probably have guessed this is about emotions and girls. Its always about a girl. And I've been an idiot and I have fooled myself. Into believing something that I knew wasn't true. I acted not like me, and knowing what was happening I got scared and held on tighter than I had before, hoping that I could fix things. Knowing this, I also knew the consequences, guys who read: When a girl is not attracted to you, its over. Move on! Especially if you want to be able to be friends with that person still. Despite what I knew and what I was suggested to by friends I didn't follow my own advice. Stupid me, I fukd things up totally, and now this person doesn't even feel all that comfortable around me. Greatness rite? The reason I tell these things is, although I am still not thinking clearly, I want those who read this to realize the mistakes I make from day to day, and not to make them themselves. So think before you act. Please, Everyone hear that reads this I care for. This is who I am, not a bad bone in my body. I can't be mean, I won't allow myself to be it. But still, I'm not a wonderful or great person. Being nice, kind, sweet, trustworthy, etc. does not mean your a great person. I know my down falls, a great person would fix theirs. Ok, besides that, I don't really have a date to my ball. Because of me being an asshole, I am more or less without a date, because I dont want to put the person I know through anymore than I already have. Good thing I'm an optimist with all the turn downs I have had. Furthermore, for those who aren't in these shoes and are the ones being unwantingly woed, tell them! And don't feel bad that you don't feel that way for them. You are you, and no one can change that, not even you. So don't feel down please, you all will have your ups and downs. Hell by reading this you know I do. But still I look forward to tomorrow, doing new things, meeting new people, and keeping intouch with all of those in my past. I don't make short term friends (random, heh). Anyways I could go on forever, but before I go. I want to thank all of you that have been there for me, and all of you that are still there for me. I love you all, thanks. Current Mood: enlightened Current Music: Disturbed, heh it was on MTV (Comment on this)
Sunday, November 2nd, 2003
12:48 am	Its my first! YaY! Nothing! Its really the first time in a while that I am writing a journal! I had one on some other website before I went off to war, but I have long since forgotten about it. Ok for all you first timerz out there. Hi, I am a college student at the great University of South Florida, two year freshy! Yeah! But the reason for that is I am also in the United States Marine Corp Reserve. Went to schooling last spring semester, and war last fall. Lately my life has had quite a few turmoils in it. But.. with them I know I always fill out and stay on top. You will have to forgive me, I can be really random and hard to understand at times. I'm not sure what all I am going to write in this thing, since it will be available to the public, and further more I'm just not sure what I feel comfortable saying. To let out some though. I live in a house with five other men. Three fraternity brothers, and two other Marines. Live can, and usually is, complicated. I'm not much of a drama person though, I like avoiding those situations, even though I'm pretty much talking about them right now. But isn't that what a journal is about, to get out the things that you couldn't other words say out loud? The inner drama that you could never let other people know about, with the exception of those you deeply trusted. But even them, if you break it down to the lowest factor, still you can't say anything to. I's like to consider myself a deep thinker. I can be nieve at times, lots of em'. I do have my moods though, and I more or less understand me. Hah, thats impossible... reverse that, I'd like to think that I can understand myself. To get into my brain just a lil' at a time. My parents split when I was like seven, I'm the oldest out of three. Both my parents were Marines, and total opposites. They had total different views in life, and grew up in total different ways. One a dimocrat, the other a republican. One grew up in Europe, the other in southern states. But I guess opposites attract. Enough to make three offspring. I had to grow up real fast, both of them were medically discharged from the military because of surgeries that the Navy doctors screwed up on. My mother is extremely disabled, thus making me become the 'man in the house'. Enough of this though, I had a rough childhood, but who doesn't. My parents did in their minds what was best for me. And those are truely the good parents, ones who want best for their children and try their hardest to accomplish just that. I'm really lucky of this. This is a good exit. Thanks for reading... Current Mood: complacent Current Music: John Mayer (Comment on this)