Blurty for Bran.

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Sunday, May 4th, 2003

Subject:So Fabulous, So Fierce
Time:2:17 am.
Mood: annoyed.
Music:2MB - "PARANOiA KCET" (Clean Mix).
Was having this talk with Jolene really worth missing time with Loren? Eventually we had to do it, but... I don't know. I just feel terrible about not really being able to see him. Wednesday last week was the only real day we had with each other, and that was only because Lynn permitted it.

It's no fun being an adult. Those who have kids and justify life with rules just want to feel they have more control over their life than they actually do. At the moment, I'm forced into having to work and live here... I can no longer move about so freely. Loren loves and understands, I'm sure, but I also know we're not without our frustrations.

Teri Rose gave me these yam root pills. I'm supposed to take three in the morning and three at night, which I did today. I forgot what they're supposed to do (I think it was rather important), but I'm sure she can let me know or I'll look it up. Teri Rose the server. Teri Rose the herbalist. What can't that woman do?

The no sleep was alright, even though I did an hour overtime for the second saturday in a row. I don't really care for weekends much. I never get to enjoy them anymore.

My mother has a problem with me staying two weeks at Loren's, but she can't do a damn thing about it. if I lived with her now she'd definitely not let me stay. And I know she still has a problem with Loren; that is unfortunate. If the past months have said anything for our relationship, she's gonna have to get used to him one way or another. Why is she so damn resistant to get involved in a big part of my life? She seems to take pleasure in giving me guilt trips... that she doesn't get to see me anymore because Loren and his mother are taking too much time away. And this is different from when? Does she know I work nearly 30 hours a week?

Blah. Not gonna let her get to me again, just as I'm going to finally take a stand against Jolene. I'm no longer cowering in the shadows to let people walk all over me.

I just killed the nice girl in me. Who's next?
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Saturday, May 3rd, 2003

Subject:Ascend
Time:2:14 am.
Mood: happy.
Music:TEMPO f/Mohammad & Emi - "Janejana".
One of the busboys at work, Humberto, asked me how many boyfriends I had, which struck me as funny.

"One," I answered, wondering if that was the response he was expecting.

He nodded, and said nothing more.

About two minutes passed before I inquired, "Why did you ask me how many boyfriends I had? Am I supposed to have more than one?"

"Most people have at least two," said Humberto. "Why don't you have more boyfriends?"

"My days of having more than one boyfriend are over," I replied, surprising myself. That meant something more than the simple run-of-the-mill connotation. Humberto picked up on that, too.

Smiling, he returned to his food. "That just means you are the best, lady."

My one and only boyfriend came by briefly last night to drop off some money he was lending the elder sister for rent. The rain was heavier at that point; we got caught in it running errands. The word 'boyfriend' itself seems so crude and falls short of a meaning I would like. What's it been now, five months?

I'll survive my 7-hour shift tomorrow, even though I'll probably only get a couple of hours' worth of sleep. That's not the important stuff. I just discussed a bit of it.
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Blurty for Bran.

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