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Temptation I could never resist.. [02 Oct 2003|09:56pm] [ mood | content ] [ music | Jessica Simpson // Sweetest Sin ] God, so much to tell I swear. I dont know how I can fit this all here, but I will try my best. So, yes, I was dragged back to LA last week. It was so depressing because, well, I didnt get to say goodbye to anyone and was forced to leave. It was so hard getting on that plane back "home". Once I got there, everything was so.. strange to me, like I wasn't supposed to be there. I called Ryan, then Brody, but Brody didnt pick up the phone. I was rather disappointed but anyways. The next morning I woke up and I was just.. refreshed, for some odd reason. It felt weird waking up in my own bed and stuff. My mum called me down for breakfast and she actually cooked which she never does. I ate and she said some people were looking for me. I walked outside and my old bandmates were there, I got so excited and hugged them all. They told me to grab my shit, because we were practicing. I did and we jammed like no one's fucking buisness, it felt so fucking good. That night I dressed up and went out to a club. A club. Jesus christ it was so weird being out in the nightlife again, but I went crazy. I danced all night and even went super rebel and drank like five cans of pepsi plus three bottles of water, be jealous, please. I came home around like.. two am and my mum didn't even seem to care. I walked to my room and thought how I kind of missed my "wild" side. And that's when I came to the realization, that made it's not so bad being wild and shy. The next night, my band insisted on playing a small nightclub. I was nervous as hell because I have never played before in front of people, except my school and shit. I said to myself in my head "I wish Ryan and Brody were here" but I clutched onto my claddah ring and the necklace ryan gave me, with his first guitar pick. I went out on stage and introduced myself as "Sky" but my band was like "Night Sky!". I laughed and did my thing and.. people liked it, they really did. I was really happy. The next day my happiness was put on pause when I woke up another morning without my twins. I kept thinking how they were doing and such and then I remembered just how unhappy they were, so, I decided to do a tiny makeover. I took hair bleach, hair dye and got to work. I called over one of my mums stylist and she started to cut my hair and then did my hair and the result? Well.. I have blonde hair with black streaks. Ryan loves it alot, so does Brody. They gave me the cutest smiles when they saw it. I decided that if we're ever going to get out of here, we need to start working. And well.. I want to be the first. I want to be that little ray of sunshine for them, for everyone. I want to be happy and comical and just be.. myself but in a happier version. I want to believe in myself, I want to be okay, I want all of us to be okay and I think it's no better time to start, then now. I love everyone here and I wont rest until I see everyone happy. Call me opptimistic, but we'll make it, I know we are. In LA I learned that it's okay to be wild and it's okay to be shy. There is a balance and stuff, that I learned. And sometimes, what seems forbidden is what is most right. Last night, proved my past statement and it's just something I hold dear to my heart. It's more than infatuation and obsession.. It's just.. Pure and utter love. I think things will start looking up more, at least, I really hope so. I have an appoitment to talk to that new doctor, tomorrow. Im nervous, but hey, im Sky Light, I can deal, no? I missed Ryan and Brody so much. They were so shocked to see me but it was nice seeing them smile. I leaped into their arms and christ, I didnt want to let go for shit. That emptyness and missing link in my heart was automatically filled when I saw them both. I love them so much and I am just so happy to see them. Im happy to be back home, I really am. Maybe now things will be better, actually, I know they're gonna get better because nothing will go downhill. It cant. And now.. Everything's Alright.. post comment

[24 Sep 2003|02:57am] [ mood | numb ] [ music | Evanescence // Taking Over Me ] I.. I dont know what words can really express what I feel right now. I went to see Ryan and.. It was heartbreaking, to say the least. He told me that they wanted to put Star away and such, somewhere else and he had to stop it. I knew what he meant and I wasn't allowing it. I told him i'd be back soon and to stay put, so, I went out and to her door. I hesitated at first but then I knocked, she let me in and was rather surprised to see me. I told her what I wanted and she said she couldn't do it, since I really couldnt.. Well, give her what she wanted but I told her I could, so, I cut a deal, in short words. I really don't know how long this will last but whatever, it gets her to leave Star, Brody and Ryan along, then i'm fine and don't need help anyway. Last time I was at her office, I.. well. It wasnt me, it was someone else but I almost killed her in blunt words. So, she wanted to get me back. She did, in a way, by doing what she did with Brody, and she made sure that she rubbed it in my face today, but, I took it. She. .Well, let's just say that i'll discover the wonders of makeup when I go see Ryan tomorrow at the hospital. She wrote this note saying Star could stay and whatnot and.. afterwards, I went to Ryans room, with my hood up and stuff and I took him to the hospital. He was in too much pain to notice my face or anything else but the doctors took him in and he'll probably be there for a week or so. I am going to visit him tomorrow. The doctor took a look at me and asked what happened and I told him I fell, which made him believe, I dont care. I can't find Jade and it's freaking me out because I always know where she is. If something happened to Jade, I am going to just.. freak out. I should have stayed hiding. The reality of things happening right now is just too much to bare for me and I dont know how much more of it I can take. I keep saying I want to go home and all this shit and it's like I cant because I am needed here, I need to help my friends, I need to lookout for people. My brothers going to visit this weekend, thats a good thing, right? I hope so, I love him and I need him right now. I wish I could find Jade. I wish I could eat. I havent eaten in nearly two weeks. It disgusts me, and I hate it. I cant touch a single peice of food without wanting to stab myself. I dont know.. Just.. Whatever. *Closes her journal and hides it in her usual spot. Getting up, she walks to her dresser, looking herself in the mirror. Brushing away some hair from her face, she see's her red cheek. Raising a hand, she touches it and winces lightly, touching the fresh slash on the other cheek. Swallowing, she shakes her head and walks to her bed again, laying down and shutting her eyes, trying to sleep* post comment

[15 Sep 2003|07:47pm] [ mood | dead. ] [ music | Mariah Carey // Breakdown ] I think i'm calling my mum and going home. 2 comments|post comment

[08 Sep 2003|12:47am] [ mood | determined ] [ music | Mariah Carey // I Still Believe ] I'm not sure who I am right now. All I know is that I feel more numb then I did before. Brody and I? We're done, we're over. Isn't that just great? Yeah, I lost my love and I should just be fine, right? Right. Oh well, it was for the best or something. I knew there was a reason, I never wanted to be in a realtionship and its for this very reason. I tried to make it better, I tried to go to him, even when I didn't want to, but it didn't work. So, I give up, like I do with everything else. I just fucking give up. I am so fucking tired of trying, so tired of pretending to be opptimistic because I somehow have some kind of faith, that I will be okay, that everything in my life will make sence. Thats both a joke and a lie. So, fuck it. Im tired and I give up. As for love, I give it up. Except, for one person. I would never stop loving him. Because, unlike other people, hes never given up on me. Why do I keep listening to this song. Its so ridiculous because I still have a shred of hope and this song describes exactly how I feel. But, I just.. I cant act on my hopes or dreams. Not anymore, it's just all gone. Yesterday, Ryan and I escaped to the beach and had fun. It was the first time I smiled in days. He always finds a way to make me happy and/or make me smile. He truly is a best friend and I am just so proud of him for everything. He and I, one day will move somewhere and then seek out to find treasure. Selena came to me and I acted like.. my old self and for some reason, it felt good to be.. evil? It felt good to be just.. My old self again. I am not sure if this is a faze or something but it felt good to actually just felt good to stop being the pushover that I am. Maybe im just not making sence. I should go feed my cat. And then get to work on something i've been wanting to do for a very long time and it's time it's just done. post comment

[03 Sep 2003|05:36pm] [ mood | numb ] [ music | Evanescence - Imaginary ] I sometimes feel like my life is one big raincloud. My eyes are like orbs to the soul; to my soul. If you look deep inside them, all you'll see is a shadow valley. Rainclouds where the raindrops fall, they tell a story. Catch one of my tears in your hand, and look into it, it'll tell you a story. I was looking in my suitcase and found this old book that I used to keep when I was a bit younger, until now. My father gave it to me when I was just a child and told me to keep it and fill it with things I loved. So I kept it with me and filled it with quotes, pictures, clippings. Why do I feel like ripping it in half. This "SKY IS SO HAPPY" act is getting old fast. I am not happy, I am not chipper, I am not anything. Im totally fucking blank and I am so sick of it. I hate putting on an act, I hate being who I am. I want it to end, but it wont and I can't even do it myself. Im tired of lying on my bed and just imagine im somewhere else, imagine im someone else. Im tired of blinding myself with laughter in order to make the pain inside myself go away, im tired of being fake, im tired of just feeling. I dont want to smile, I dont want to laugh and I dont want to do anything except lay in bed and stay there for the rest of my life. Everytime I close my eyes, I just begin to scream internally and I cant stop screaming, because if it goes quiet, I might go crazy. Things cant go quiet, my screaming is whats keeping part of me sane. I think im running away. I want to go away, far away and be away forever. Its better this way and people can be happy without me here. I just make people miserable, its the way it is. I dont know, im just.. gone. post comment

[01 Sep 2003|04:09pm] [ mood | scared ] I'm scared right now. Ryan has to go today or.. Maybe he left? What if he left without saying goodbye? I dont know. Would it be best? Im not sure. Everyone panicing and scared and all this other shit because Ryan's leaving and in a way, I am too. I want him to stay, I do. But.. At the end of the day, thats so selfish of me and i'd be so angry with myself. He was sent here to get better, he was sent here to smile, be happy and when done so, he could leave. That's the deal with all of us. It's just the way it goes, you know? He'll visit, write, call and all that. Sure, it wont be the same, but he has to go someday, right? Maybe im being a bitch, who knows. I just.. I want hi mto be happy and he is, finally and he's being sent home. He needs to explore life some day. I've been getting much better lately. Its kind of scary cause doctors say i've been making great progress too, at least physically. But, they say I have more to work on emotionally and such. I think emotionally, I feel balanced and stuff. I'll be a wreck when Ryan leaves, but i'll be alright because hes gonna come see us once i nawhile, I hope. God, what am I saying? Ive been crying for three days straight and I cant even shake off the horrible feeling. Im selfish, fine, i'll admit it. I dont want him to go. But he has to. This is so hard and I really wish it wasnt. I just wish I knew what to do. Im tyring to be strong but I feel like im going to break at any second. I hate this, I really fucking hate this. post comment

[23 Aug 2003|10:12am] [ mood | tired ] It's been almost a week since surgery. I went under the knife on Monday and it was probably the most terrifying experience of my life. I went into surgery around 9 am and got out around 12 pm. I dont remember anything after they put me on the surgery table, really. After surgery, I remembering opening my eyes and being in some sort of recovery room. I just wanted to see my friends. After an hour I got tranfered to some room thats not ICU and they let Brody and Ryan visit me. It felt so nice to see them. Brody looked flooded with worry, so did Ryan, but I told them not to and that I was fine, just scared. I dont have a pain on my side anymore and I am just so thrilled about it. Painkillers have been knocking me out, so I havent been awake much. But I need to find Ryan & brody soon, I have to tell them something that shocked me beyond belief. I need to tell them because if I could do cartwheels, I would right now, thats how happy I am. I think everythings going to be okay, I really do. I can walk and thats a good thing. My scar hurts like a bitch, but I can walk, because I refuse to be laying down all day. Everyone knows me, im as stubborn as they come. I got some kind of shockwhen I was in the hospital though. Selena's here. Sel and I used to be great friends and cause havoc everywhere in LA. Its so weird seeing her here now and.. I dont know, but as weird as it was, it was still so nice to see her. She said she wants to bust us both out of here. I told her she was crazy, but I loved her none the less. She asked me who "the hotties" aka the twins, were. I said those were my best friends and one of them was my boyfriend. I dont get why everyone gets so shocked over the fact that I have a boyfriend, dang. But anyway, she said she wanted to go see Brody and make friends with him because they can be partners in crime or something equeally insane. I dont even know, but I love her. My mum's here too, which is a surprise and she came to see me, along with my brother. I wasnt too happy with seeing my mum, but I was estatic to see my brother. They leave next week, but im so happy to see him. My "dad"snot here, thank god. He knows ill go ballistic. Childhood trama? Who the hell knows. I better go now. I have to go walk around the halls and then eat some breakfast. I hope to see my babies today. *She closes her journal and puts it under her pillow. A nurse coming in, helps her sit up and get out of bed, for her to walk around the hospital halls.* post comment

[15 Aug 2003|03:14pm] [ mood | scared ] So I talked to the doctors this morning because I promised I would and.. Told him that yes I did want surgery for my cyst and he was happy to hear that. He said he's faxing the papers to my parents so they can sign it, since im still a minor and all. And.. Surgery will happen on Monday. Am I scared? No, im beyond terrified right now and I.. can't stop shaking though i'm trying, to write this. I've never gotten cut up or anything and.. This is just scary, really scary. What if I dont wake up? What if something goes wrong? What if.. God, I hate it, I really do. I have to stay in bed for a week, but walk around so I don't have any gas, or whatever they call it. That complicates things, so hopefully if im not in too much pain I can walk around with Brody or Ryan. Maybe even Vaughn if I see him around the hospital. I told Brody last night about the other news. He seemed.. shocked, but he wanted to help and he just helps by listening to me and such, you know? He told me that when I got better that he would take me on this European Train Tour. And we could sit, view the sites, paint and just watch everything, together. I'd love that, i'd love it alot. One of my dreams is to see the eifle tour. It's so beautiful, I can't really explain it, but I love paris. The people are rude, but I love paris. And going back to London, where I was born, should be even funner. I couldn't help but think "What if I dont make it?" and I had to shake it off, because.. Brody and Ryan's confidence and hope for me, just makes me want to go on, even when things get hopeless. I love them both more then they will ever know, ever. I'm just scared to leave them behind, you know? The risk of death is horrible and.. I dont know if I can stand an afterlife without them. - Closes her journal and puts it under her pillow, turning on the small tv in front of her and watch it quietly - post comment

[14 Aug 2003|01:43pm] [ mood | sick ] I've been writing so much lately.. It's kind of sick I think. I feel incredibly ill, even worse than the past two days. I try to get better but I fall down and it gets worse. I wake up in pain, and go to bed in pain. Though, sometimes I dont let on, because I hate worrying people. I can't stand to have people be worried about me, when there are bigger things to worry about. I talked to doctors, or they talked to me rather. They told me that what they feared is true. After they told me that I kind of drifted in and out, didn't really pay much attention. I kept thinking about when I got here.. The laughs, the cries, the being scared, the everything. And now, I was facing my biggest challenge.. The risk to die. I know i'm here mostly because I tried to kill myself, and hey, maybe before, this wouldnt have been bad. Probably being the cynical mind person I was before, I would have accepted the new with laughter. But not now.. I have.. reasons to live, I have.. people to live for, a future to live for.. I have a life. I haven't told Brody and I dont want to. He's been doing great but.. He'll find out by Ryan, im sure, or maybe by nurses. It's funny.. I didn't want to tell Ryan either, but I had to. Last night he saw me and.. I felt so horrible and I needed to get out. He told me that I had to get better so we could escape to the beach and I told him to take me that very second. He argued but I wanted to leave and so we did. God.. Ryan's heaven sent, there is no way to describe it, other than that. Going to the beach made me think of.. everything. I didn't tell him all that I was thinking, but I told him some. I was thinking about the week before I moved to Tranquility, how I was basically killing myself with everything I found. Both physically and emotionally. And then coming to Tranquility he was the first person I saw. He was listening to Silverchair and I gave him an oreo cookie and 10 points, because I love Silverchair alot. I remember being dressed in this black sparkly dress, pearls and beads around my neck, my hair was wild and I had my cyndi lauper gloves. I'm pretty much sure he thought I was a strange person. Back then I was this.. insanely wacky girl, that did anything to amuse herself and irritate others. I was the one who would be like "Sup Kid" and punch peoples arms as a greeting, and I still do that, mind you. I was the girl who took no shit from anyone and would knock the person out if they messed with me. Ryan and I would hang out and talk and he got to know more about me and I got to know more about him. He was the first person I ever told about my "dad". He knew about alot of things I couldnt trust people about. We've had our share of hardtimes, but they're always faded when we see each other. Ryan has this.. magic, I think, to him, that he doesnt realize. And it's that whenever he talks? He heals a soul. I can say that because I remember talking to him and.. Just feeling better. A broken soul that actually smiled? Not very common. The possibility of dying and never seeing ryan again, scares me. Im not scared of dying, im scared of living an eternity without my best friend and without my boyfriend. But.. maybe if it does happen, I can ask someone to let me be their guarding angels so I can watch over them, even in death. Ryan and I talked while watching the waves and just smiled for a bit. I semi-fainted on him and I didnt mean to. I guess its.. inevitable? I guess so, yes. He carried me back to Mandalay and I didnt want him to because of his scar, but he did anyway. He let me stay in his room because I didnt want to go to the hospital, but.. I left a few hours later because they would have come looking for me. So, im back in ICU, which I hate and want to leave but they wont let me. I'm on some kind of list, to get what they need and take what I have away. With therapy and other such things. Its a long process, but I can get better with time. I just.. I need to make it I guess and from the looks of things, my health seems to be more failing than uplifting. I've been trying to eat alot more lately. Brody brings me stuff sometimes and I eat some. I feel sick when I eat but I try anyway. I just want all this to go away.. Im not sure how much more of it I can handle. Or how much longer I can actually.. breathe. Im scared of sleeping. I dont want to close my eyes and never have them open again. Im.. so scared right now. I really, really am. ( ... ) post comment

[11 Aug 2003|09:00pm] [ mood | weird ] So i'm resting right now because apparently I fainted again today when I was walking. I really dont know how much I can take this, but at least I can walk, so that's all that matters. Brody's going to Mandalay soon, or so i've heard and i've heard Ryan's been waking up, thats wonderful. I need to go see him once I can actually feel my legs. This is such rubbish, to be honest. But on another note.. My brother came to visit me. I.. was beyond surprised, I can't even express it, really. He's the only one in my family who loves me, and when I saw him, I just went insane, to be honest with you. He told me I looked alright, for me being the way I was. I asked him how he was doing and he said he was good and that our "dad" has been stopping by everyday but he doesn't talk to him, only mum does and my sister. He tries to talk to my brother, but he refuses. He asked me what's been going on and I told him all about my boyfriend and he was all surprised cause I actually had one, since i've never had one before. He asked me who he was and I said his name was Brody Parker and told him we'd been seeing each other for 2 months, since we got together June 1st, and that I was so in love it was insane. He told me he wanted to meet him, so he helped me up and we went to Brody's room. I told him that that was my brother and they talked for a bit. Brody showed him my hand with the promise ring he gave me and told me he'd always take good care of me and love me. I don't know where I got so lucky to find such an amazing person like Brody, but I did. I remember when he gave me this promise ring.. It's a Claddah ring. It was his mums and he.. gave it to me. It was such a beautiful thing. He gave me to me the night he took me to my prom. That was probably one of the most magical nights. He went to my room, dressed in these.. black dressy pants, a long sleeved shirt and a white tie. His hair was all nice. He told me to put on my prom dress and wait for him in the music room. So, I did, I got all fancy and went and when I walked in.. the whole room was covered in lights and soft music was playing. He was recreating prom for me. I wanted to cry. No one has ever done something so sweet to me before. We danced all night almost and thats when he gave me the ring. God, I love him so much that words can express. No amount of writing can express just how much I love him. My brother then said he thought he was a good kid and as long as he doesn't hurt me, then he'll be fine, but to be careful. He asked me if Brody and I had taken the big step and.. It made me giggle when I said yes and he gave me a lecture on safe sex. He then asked me if I could see myself marrying him, since we're so serious and such and.. I really can, I really can see myself marrying him. There is no one I would rather be with then my Brody. I love him so so much. I have this.. weird fantasy thing, where we both just run off to Vegas and just elope. It sounds crazy, I know, but i've had dreams about it. I've also had dreams of both of us making it someday in the music industry. His voice is like an angel's, and he plays so good. I just hope all his dreams do come true, because I want him to be happy more than anything. Same with Ryan. I need to go see Ryan soon, although I said that, but I need to. I hope he's doing better, I really do. And, as for my brother, he's already back in LA, but it felt nice to see him. We even took a picture together and I hope to show Brody. My brother said I hadn't changed when he saw my hair was black and blue, now. I got bored. And as for me, no surgery. I am a stubborn bitch, I know, but I refuse. I'm not putting Brody to worry. I'll suck it up. Goodnight. *Closing her journal, she sets it aside and smiles, laying back, wondering when she could get up again to see her boyfriend and best friend. Groaning lightly she grips on her side and frowns, wanting the pain to go away* post comment

[11 Aug 2003|02:34am] [ mood | calm ] Mm I can walk now. I've been feeling a little better. I have IV's connected to me still and well, I saw Brody. It was so nice to walk to him and see him. I missed him so much. I went to Ryan's room but he was asleep. I read a story to him, spent some time with him, then went back to Brody. Doctors still say I need "emergency surgery" but im fine. I feel fine this time, for real. I just need to get back on my feet. They've been taking care of Jade, so that's even better. I swear i'll write something worth reading, come tomorrow. - Smiles slightly, closing her journal and putting it under her pillow, laying her head back and closing her eyes - post comment

[27 Jul 2003|02:45am] *Mumbles some words and flutters her eyes open, confused at her surroundings. Looks down at her hand, seeing needles stuck through it. Blinking her eyes, she realizes she has an oxygen mask on, then looks to her side, seeing monitors. She takes the mask off her and asks a nurse what happened, then they call a doctor to explain what happened. Several minutes later she lays back, in disbelief. She looks around and grabs a rather large napkin and a pencil, shifting her body slowly to write on the little dresser next to her bed* I passed out in front of doctors right when they were getting Ryan. God, what the hell is wrong with me. They told me he is in ICU and Brody's doing better but that my health has gotten from bad to worse, and that there is a huge risk in alot of things. I need to get surgery and I said no. I still say no and there is no way someone is convincing my different. I don't care what they say. Apparently they dont want to tell me until they are sure but.. there could possibly more than my side that's making me feel this way. Its wonderful, really. I told the doctors to tell Brody that I was taken to some sort of lockdown, and that I wasn't here. To make up some insane story because he cant see me like this. He can't know. I need to pull my act together. But, I can't even stand, let alone walk to the twins. I am such a failure. I promised to go to them, I promised to be there and I cant even do that. I just need to get out of here, I need to somehow get better. I dont care if I die. I just need to die knowing that I helped them both, helped my angels. I cannot die in this miserable bed by myself and leaving him alone. I refuse. I love Brody and I love Ryan and I will die helping them. Thats the way its going to be. ..I need to go, my whole body feels.. numb.. *She stops writing as she collapses against the bars, dropping everything. The nurses rush in and set her back on the bed, changing her IV and putting the mask on her. They take a look at the napkin and see what she has written then takes it with them but drops it on the way out by accident, leave her on her bed, the soft sound of just her monitor beeping.* post comment

[24 Jul 2003|01:32pm] [ mood | exausted ] *She leans back into the chair, grabbing her journal that she brought from her room. Taking the pen, she opens the notebook to a fresh page, and beginning to write* So Brody's doing just fine. So is Ryan and I am more than greatful that they are. I was so scared. I remember the day of the operation, I didnt sleep at all and ever since they got out, I haven't been able to sleep. I've been without sleep since last friday, to be honest with you. How I havent collapsed? I dont know, to be honest with you. I don't even stay in my hospital room alot, I just stay in theres and check on them. I occasionally sleep on the floor for 30 minutes, but.. Then I can't sleep. I go back to the main building though, to check on Jade, everyday, feed her, then come back to them. I just want to be there every second that I can. I promised them both I wouldn't leave there side, and I haven't because.. No. I don't break promises. The pain on my side has gotten worse and one of those times that I got out of their room to check on Jade, I fell down the stairs and dislocated my wrist. It was crazy. I was just walking and I got this.. inmense pain. I tried to grip onto the side-bar thing, but my legs got weak and just gave out I guess. My wrist hurts alot, but I am okay. Doctors checked on my side again and said that I really needed to have something done with it. I said no, again. I refuse and they can't make me. So they asked if I had a deathwish and maybe I do. But i'd rather die helping my friends, then die selfish. It's just the way I am and no one and nothing will change my opinion. Everyday they tell me to take a break and I say no. I am not taking a fucking break, and I am not agreeing to some stupid operation either. I've been writing alot more lyrics lately. I hope to someday get out and actually record them. I need my guitar here but I left her in my closet. Obviously I cant play my guitar in the hospital, so no. I'll just compose when everything's back to normal. I really need to eat something besides jello and water. But.. I dont know. I dont want to. I am such a fucking contradiction, honestly. But I guess I better go check on the boys and hope to sleep for another 10 minutes. *Closing her journal, she puts it in her bag, getting up and walking towards the hospital room* post comment

[17 Jul 2003|04:10pm] [ mood | blank ] [ music | The Ataris // My Reply ] *Walking in her room, she closes the door and holds onto her side, sliding down the door, crying softly through the pain. Swallowing hard, she gets up and makes her way to her bed and sits, breathing slowly as the pain subsides. She leans over and turns on her radio, relaxing as she hears her favorite song come on. Biting her lip, she grabs her journal, opens it to a fresh page and takes the black pen, pondering what to write, then slowly begins to write* Its been.. awhile since i've written, but I guess I can try and write down whats been happening, right? With me, everythings been pretty much the same. Except I have something.. wrong with me. Physically, I meant. I don't know what it is, but.. it's this spine-breaking pain, on my side, that hurts everytime I walk. It grows worse by the day. Sometimes it goes away, but it comes back. The doctors think its some.. thing in my stomach, that should be removed as soon as possible, but I can't. Not now. Brody and Ryan need me and really, it can wait, and if its something with life or death, then sorry, I can't abandon them, not now and not ever. It'll just remain a secret with me, that I won't tell. The flu excuse is pretty valid, anyway. The doctors were saying that my weights been dropping like crazy. I went from 165 to 100 in a matter of 2 months. Oh well, thats good though, I'm.. getting thinner, I think. I need to go down more because.. 100 is still too much. Brody and I.. haven't seen much of each other, lately. I try going to his room but.. he's never there and I guess when he comes to mine, im not here. He's been in therapy and doctors so.. I understand. I just.. miss him I guess. I was remembering the other day, when he first came here, and how we hated each other. We just couldn't stand each other, to be honest with you. He would find ways to make me angry and i'd be so sarcastic and bitchy, it was actually pretty funny, now that I think of it. I just kind of wonder what would have happened if he hadn't changed. Would we still be enemies? It's a weird thought, I guess. I dont wanna imagine how things would be, if we were still enemies. And then, the thought crosses me that.. What if one day he gets tired with me and decides that he wants to be my enemy? I guess I should stop thinking about it. I am really just too paranoid for everything. Sometimes I just wonder why Brody's with me too. He's great and i'm.. not. He and Ryan say I am but I dont really see it. I'm so clingy and annoying and.. ugh. I just.. can't stop bringing myself down and I had a period where I wasn't, then it went away. Brody has alot more prettier girls and alot more better girls after him and he choses to ignore them for me. I'm not worth it, but i'm glad he's still with me. I love him and i've never loved anyone before. Not in this way. And Brody never has to worry about someone liking me because.. Thats beyond impossible. I guess he just sees me in a different light. I'm greatful for it though. I've been seeing Ryan alot more lately and that's so wonderful. Sometimes we dont come see each other for periods of time and I hate it. But we've been clingy to each other and well.. It's nice. He is my best friend, and I am his. He's so scared about surgery and so is Brody. They're both going to be fine, I know they are, but it's normal to be scared about that type of thing, it really is. I just wish I could reassure them both that they will be fine. My angels, my babies. Im.. confused about something, but maybe it will pass and it's just my mind playing tricks. I really wish it wouldn't but.. Yeah. Anyway, back to Ryan and Brody.. I just.. Wish them the best. I'm not leaving the hospital, until they both leave. They're even letting me have a room, next to theirs. I guess people in the hospital ward must like me. Either that or they're trying to trick me into stuff. I don't know. ..I really don't know what else to say so i'll go see Ryan now. *Closing her journal, she hides it where she usually does, gets up, petting her kitten as she walks down the hall slowly, making sure not to hurt herself* 1 comment|post comment

[23 Jun 2003|01:47pm] [ mood | sick ] *Her eyes flutter open from a peaceful sleep and look around her. Remembering where she was, she groans quietly and sighs, closing her eyes again. Lifting a hand, she places it on her forhead and rubs it softly, then openes her eyes, seeing her hand with a needle in it. Her eyes trace the thin tube up and see that it's an IV. Sighing she looks around and grabs a sheet of paper and a small pencil and begins to write* Charming. I'm in the hospital wing. Apparently fainting in your room isn't good? I don't know, all I remember was I was doing some cleaning in my room. My "Summer cleaning" as I call it and I felt dizzy. I thought if I sat down, it would be okay. So as I walked to the bed, I blacked out. Next thing I know, i'm in the hospital wing. I asked a nurse what the hell I was doing here and she told me that apparently I was dehydrated and something that concerns food. Too much of a big word and hi, I don't have that big a brain. I'm so upset, I don't want to be here, but they're keeping me here for a few days toi "observe what happens to me". Like its some big deal. So i'll drink more water, give me a break. I was supposed to read the first chapter of "A Walk To Remember" to Brody last night and I didn't. I really hope he isn't upset with me. I haven't even been able to talk to him, to tell him that i'm here. Actually, I don't think I want him to know, he has stuff going with him. He told me something that.. Really shocked me, alot. *Blinks her eyes once, thinking about what he said, then looks down at the paper, continuing to write* But i'm going to help him as much as I can. I'm even going to call my stupid parents, see if theres anything I can do. Because.. No. He's going to be okay, because I know it. Nothing bad could ever possibly happen to him, ever. I really hope he isn't mad at me for not being around yesterday. I'll make something up, because he doesn't need to know i'm here. It'll worry him and thats the last thing he needs. When I get out of here, im visiting Callie. I am so glad we're talking again because.. Well, just because it's a good thing. She's kind of.. different now. But thats okay, we all change, no? And we even colored, it was alot of fun. I'm going to her room as soon as I get out of here. Maybe I can make her some stuff.. Draw or something. OH, I was teaching her how to play guitar. Maybe i'll bring my baby over and show her how to play some chords. Maybe she might like that. I hope so. Mm.. I'd really love to go out tonight but eh, I don't think they'll let me out, but oh well. I better go. *Shoves the paper in her pocket and puts the pencil to the side. Closes her eyes, sighing a bit, trying to go to sleep.* post comment

[17 Jun 2003|05:20pm] [ mood | numb ] *Takes out her journal from under her pillow, opens it up to a fresh page, pausing slightly, taking her pen, tapping it on her finger and beginning to write* He called me two days ago, because it was fathers day. He called for no reason really, just to tell me he loved me. Why does he need to do that? I dont even fucking understand why he needs to do this to me. He pretends he's dead for over 5 years and then expects me to just forgive him? That he lied to me all this time? Now my brothers in group therapy and all this other fucking shit because of what he pulled. I hate it. And yesterday just brought back way too many memories, and the fact that he called, made it worse. I really hate him for this, and I always will. I just.. Whatever. I don't love him, I never will, he needs to get the fuck over it and leave me alone, just like he did 6 years ago. Alone. Let me be. *Sighs softly and reaches to her side, picking up a picture she took of him. Smiling slightly she stares at it and traces her finger along the border, before setting it down next to her* Brody. He's my sanity through all this, really. So is Ryan but you get my point. Anyway.. It's strange how a couple of months back, I never thought i'd be in love, or actually open myself enough to actually consider being in love. He changed that. He changed everything. Sometimes I really wish I could give him more than I do. Sometimes I wish I could be better. Sometimes I just wish I was.. Anyone but me. They gave me the option to transfer to California, and I said no. I'll never leave Brody as long as he want's me. Then again.. I'm scared. What if he doesn't want me anymore? He's really the only thing keeping me glued. I seem really pathetic, dont I? Oh well, don't really care. I must annoy him sometimes with me being so clingy and stuff. I can't help it. I love him.. He always makes me smile or laugh. I have this picture and.. He looks so adorable. Those gloves are my favorite. That shirt too. He's wonderfull.. I just wish I could be more. I still can't look myself in the mirror. It's been months since I can really. When I see myself in the mirror, I see this horrible person, I see this person that I don't want to be. I see.. So many horrible things. So thats why I avoid looking at myself, at all costs. I stopped eating again. I thought I was doing fine but.. Guess not. In the past week I've eaten probably.. one cracker, if that. And ontop of it all? I started again. I thought I stopped, but I guess I was wrong. Strangly, my scars heal quick. I just wish I had enough courage to end it all. But.. I refuse to. I guess a part of me does, and another doesn't. I'm not even making sence probably. I collapsed yesterday on the bathroom floor. I guess I lost alot of blood. No one found me though, thank god. I woke up and forced myself to stand, then get some water, washed my hands then went to bed. I feel weak. But I'll deal, no? I haven't seen Ryan or Vaughn in.. I dont even know how long. Guess they hate me now or something. I don't know. My minds running 600 negative thoughts per hour. I can't blame them if they hate me though, I guess it was bound to happen. Eventually Brody will and just about half the world. Callie hates me and Ezra did for awhile. I wonder how Callie's doing, how she's holding up and stuff.. She's a good kid. Maybe I should pay her a visit sometime.. *Pauses her writing, thinks for a moment, then shakes her head* No.. Probably not. She'll probably off me before I can say hi. Still don't blame her. I hate myself possibly more than she hates me. To think all this came about in the past couple of days. Maybe if I stay in this room longer, I'll just die in my sleep. I truly hope so. *Tucks her journal under her pillow, and lays back down. Pulls the sheets up to her and cuddles, closing her eyes, trying to fall asleep* post comment

[16 Jun 2003|02:06am] [ mood | depressed ] *Takes her journal out and begins to write lyrics, her hand shaking slightly* Burned all the good things in The Eden Eye We were too dumb to run too dead to die This was never my world You took the angel away I'd kill myself to make everybody pay This was never my world You took the angel away I'd kill myself to make everybody pay *Closes her journal, setting it under her pillow. She lays down slowly, pulling the sheets up to her, sobbing quietly into her pillow* post comment

[08 Jun 2003|02:48am] [ mood | drained ] Why am I so exausted? Oh yeah, cause I just spent 5 hours kicking and punching a punching bag downstairs. Yesterday/today wtf-ever was really bad and I'd rather not think about it. Oh wait, I have to because I can't ignore whats happening. I hate this, really. Whatever, it's just all bullshit anyways. No, it's not. Oh look, Sky doesn't even know wtf she's saying. Oh for gods sake, someone just shoot me and get it over with. *Stands from her bed, putting her journal down for a second and walks to her closet. Opening it, it reveals a semi long black dress, heels at the bottom, she softly touches it, sighs, then walks back to her bed, picking up her journal, writing again* I don't even know why I packed the damn thing with me. Tomorrow nights (Or tonight? whatever) supposed to be prom and I was supposed to graduate tonight (last night?). Not like anyone would take me to prom, but whatever. Eh.. I remember when I saw that dress, I had to have it, and bought it. Then I said i'd wear it for senior prom. And oh look, I wont have a prom, because I fuckin' gave up on myself and everything around me. Why do I even fucking care? Im antiprom and everything goody. Deep down though? I really wanted to go. One night out of all the years in my life to feel special. Whatever. It's pointless and stupid. I'll just burn the stupid dress. This morning I went to Ryan and saw him.. almost limp on his bed. I got so terrified that I got the doctors and stuff. It was so scary. I stayed with him until around 5 pm. I went to go find Brody and I found him. I was extremly exausted so I probably didnt help much. I explained what happened and I guess he saw how tired I was and told me to lay down on his bed, so I did and he layed next to me. The last hting I remember is me cuddling to him, then falling asleep. Im assuming I get knocked out cold. I woke up around 8, he was gone so I assumed he went to see Ryan. Then I got a call from my mum telling me my brothers traumatized as hell. Lovely. So thats when I went downstairs. Im locking myself in my room today/tomorrow. Im going to depress everyone with my petty bullshit, so i'll just spare everyone the trouble and lock myself in my room. Hopefully within that span, i'll die a horrible death. *Throws her journal across the room, pulling the sheets up to her as she lays down. As soon as her head hits the pillow, she falls asleep* post comment

[04 Jun 2003|01:24am] [ mood | dorky ] [ music | John Mayer // Back To You ] *A small yawn escapes her glossy lips as she looks over at Brody asleep, clinging to his small bear. Quietly she creeps to the dresser and picks up her journal, which she had brought from her room and sits on the floor, opening to a fresh page, beginning to write, while putting on a serious expression* I can't help but feel people hate me, for being with the one I love. I tried to process the thought in my head, wondering, why people hate me, for being happy. Was it me? Had I done something? Was I bad or worse? Then after talking to Ryan, I realized that what he said was true. And you know, a few things they teach you here is to start a find that inner happiness, and I have and im not letting people bring me down. I'm not letting them because no matter how many people hate me or try to bring me down, I know he's going to be there with his hand to pull me in from the hurricane. I love him, and I've never loved anyone before, so it's a whole new experience for me, but i'm loving every minute of it. So word on the common room has it that a certain someone hates me, maybe it's a rumor, or maybe its truth. In a way, I don't blame her, i'd hate me too.. But you know, like I said before, I have to start thinking for myself and thats scary because I havent done that before, but I want to be better. And I can't change the way I feel, I cannot help who I fall for. I'm not apologizing for my feelings, nor for how I acted on them. I do apologize for hurting her though, because she believes it or not, she's a good kid, and she was someone close to me. I'm sure I lost her, which is why I said "used". Eh, im used to losing, and that's alright. For the first time, i've.. Well, he's not a prize, but I feel like i've "won" something in life. I'm learning to love, as scary as it is.. It's breathtaking. You know what scares me though? When we all get out of here.. What's going to happen? I'm sure he's going to want to go with Ryan, which is understandable. Will we seperate? Will we never see each other again? That really scares me and I try not to think about it, but it just happens. I don't really know what i'd do if I lost Brody, same for Ryan & Vaughn. Maybe we can find a way to live together or something, that'd be cool, yes, it would be most awesome. So today Brody & I jumped on the bed till we both eventually fell off, that was nice. But in the morning we went to breakfast together, and for the first time in god knows how long, I actually ate. I felt really.. strange, holding it in, but Brody kept telling me I was alright. He ate too and I was so proud. After that we took a walk, then some psychiatrist took him away, so we saw each other at night-time. And now here I am, in his room. Well, he and Ryans, I think Ryan came in when Brody & I were already asleep. I woke up and decided to watch Brody sleep. He's peaceful when he sleeps. He calls me an Angel, but I dont think he realizes how wrong he is and how he's tha angel. I know we've had fights, I know he went to other people, not just one person, I know this, but he's explained why and all that it doesnt matter to me, at all, becase this, what we have? It's so much better than anything i've ever experienced and I really dont care what he's done before. Sure, it may hurt at given times, but thats a proncess of elimination. Besides, I couldnt expect him to stay with one girl when they werent even together, he's a guy and guys tend to float, or something like that, but.. In this moment, thats all gone, I dont care about that because we're happy, we love each other and thats the way it's going to stay. And to anyone who doesn't like it: Sorry. Eh im tired. Goodnight. *Closes her notebook and puts it under shirt, and slightly on the waistband of her sweatpants. Walks to his bed and climbs inside quickly, in order not to wake him, and cuddles her head on his chest. She feels his arm wrap around her and sighs happily as she closes her eyes, drifting to sleep* post comment

[02 Jun 2003|08:40pm] [ mood | content ] *Walks inside her room, smiling to herself and putting down her suitcase. Looks around and then hops on her bed, snuggling on her pillow. She hops off, opens her suitcase and takes out her journal, with a pen. Sitting on the bed she tucks a strand of her long blonde hair, behind her ear and begins to write* I'm not leaving, I can stay. Well, more like I convinced myself to stay. I know that if I would have left with my mum and.. him, things would have gotten worse, alot worse. They left this morning, I didn't even get to say goodbye, doesn't really faze me though. My mum keeps telling me he feels guilty, horrible and just about every other thing in the dictinary that defines "bad". My answer? "Good". How can I forgive what he's done to me? I never will, ever, that's just the way it is, sorry, you lose, try again next time. So Brody and I got into a horrible argument. Or, more so she and Brody got into a horrible argument. I can't believe I let her out again, but I had to. She was my only defense against what was happening, I couldn't take it anymore and seeing Brody with .. Well, just someone else, finished killing me. Of course my intial reaction was just to dip myself in sulfric acid, but then I figured it would be best if I brought her out, to live for me. And she did.. She told Brody everything that was on my mind, just in a more rough way. Throughout the whole fight, I couldn't really take it anymore and I broke free and yelled at him. It was horrible, really. I hate to think it got that far. The cause? Lack of communication. He landed in the hospital wing for some reasons I cant quite understand because I am mentally challenged, but, I went to see him. Things were awkward somewhat, but then they got better. We talked and actually discussed what was happening, you know? It felt refreshing and actually great to talk to him about what was on my mind, let him know in a nice calm manner. He told me what he felt, I told him what I felt and.. Well, let's just say im happy. I don't really know how long it will last, but I am happy. He makes me happy. I guess im just scared. Im scared that I am not good enough for him, or maybe that im such trash that'll he will run to someone else, and things will happen again. I dont like thinking about it, but I cannot help it, at all. I miss ryan, and I miss vaughn. I haven't seen them in such a long time, I really should stop by and say hello, but between everything wanting me to sink, I haven't been able to. I should and show Ryan my new hair extensions, I like them, they're actually cute. I've always wondered what it would be like with long hair, so I dug through my stuff and found them, they look real though, it's cute. I like twirling my finger around the strands, I don't know why, maybe I am weird. Hmm.. I think I will go visit Brody now. Yes, yes I'll go do that. *Closing her journal she places it under her pillow, grabs her hoodie and walks out the door, shutting it behind her and making her way to the hospital wing* post comment

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