Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in Skyfiery's Blurty:

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Friday, May 27th, 2005
10:35 pm	This blog is now terminated and will remain only as an archive. If I didn't send you the link to my new place, don't ask, because well...you don't have a right to, and I sure as hell don't see a need to. I need some away. So deal. (3 skies | Fiery twilit sky)
Thursday, May 26th, 2005
8:21 pm	Okay. Today WAS bad. I'm not telling anyone else, but I cut myself this morning. Heh. And I'm not ashamed of it. Nothing major, just a few scratches. Was thinking of bringing a blade to work, but decided against it. I'm sick of everything and everyone already. And I've still got 154 days more to go. Life's a bitch. And I'm almost-certain that Dick might be a demon now. Various reasons of which I'm too tired to list down for now. But he's good, and honestly? I love him all the more for letting me know...for finally trusting me enough to let me see his form. Besides, A. didn't sense anything bad around me, so, yeah. I love Dick so much. Man. I never was certain that I was able to even feel this much of any emotions after I've shut myself off from them for so many years. And now, now I don't even think of Dick in his physical form anymore. When I think of him, I view him as a soul, and that's what's most important. (1 sky | Fiery twilit sky)
Wednesday, May 25th, 2005
9:03 pm	I expect everyday to be exhausting days from today onwards. I wrote a few articles, prepared questions for three more, and did some admin. work, which took quite some time. My office is located on the 15th level, but I think the company occupies quite a few levels on its own. So...how do we talk even though we're sitting close enough to shout? We use e-mails. Yeah, heh. E-MAILS. I got my laptop on my first day, within my first two hours. Account and passwords activated...and then was introduced to how to write the articles for their newsletters and stuff. Was briefed and was totally confused for the better part of a few hours before I realized: we sit alone at our cubicles and just do our stuff. Anything else all over the world or even just in our own corner, e-mail, dammit! Don't walk to my cubicle unless you need to pass me a hard copy of stuff! They're setting up a training next Monday evening, for a software made by them. And guess what? I'll be conferencing with someone from Germany through their...their...something. Wow. Yay. Sit in front of the damned laptop for hours and hours and then must sit some more. Sianz. My work-mates left me to eat alone today. They're the sort that just gets up and leaves for lunch anytime after 11.30am, and whoever sees them goes with them. If not, too bad. But then, I needed that respite. So I went to have lunch alone at the Environmental Building's cafeteria. Was quite nice, sitting there alone. Then, when I walked out, I realized there was a small groove of trees beside the building. TREES! Thank the Valar! I walked amongst them (getting my work shoes muddy in the process, but what the hey, yeah?), touching them, greeting them, feeling their life pulsing against my fingertips. I think passersby must've thought me fucking insane, but no matter. That trip there made me feel at peace. Dick came to visit me sometime in the afternoon. He gave me a hug, watched me for a while, then left. Thanks to Saber for helping me pass the message. I've decided to do some things to help me get over each day, each week, each month: Daily 1. Write down one inspiration and descriptive paragraph for each article and task I complete. 2. Go amongst that groove of trees to say hello frequently. 3. Eat alone as much as I can while still maintaining okay relationships with my team. 4. Work out and train each day after I get home. 5. Talk to R.'s spirit guide, who's so freaking sarcastic and hyper she cheers me up. :D Weekly 1. TOTALLY destress each weekend by either going to the beach, or hanging out with the pack and friends. 2. Go to a place with trees, wind, soil, grass...just nature, and be alone. Monthly 1. Get my ass off to the cafe and chill out there to regenerate my energy...love the energy feel there. One day by one day...let go of everything at the end of each day. I want to fail but failure isn't an option...because B. has brought me up too well. *sighs* (1 sky | Fiery twilit sky)
Tuesday, May 24th, 2005
9:19 pm	First day at work today...internship. Got my laptop (they don't use desktops) by about 10am, and then had to write three articles (using inverted pyramid format), re-write one in the mid-noon, and edit another already-printed out one. Have to learn a software by this week, and then take over the newsletter from A. I've got absolutely no idea how I'll survive 23 weeks intact. I'm trying not to feel too depressed, but knowing I can be ordered around anytime, but anyone in my team...makes me extremely pissed. What was worse was that Riddick, who usually fronts me when I get pissed, didn't do so today, and why? Because I was wearing a full business suit. Sure, it's probably no biggie, but when I feel a stranger in my own clothing, he feels the same. When I'm myself, when I can feel myself, I know who I am, where I stand, and I'm comfortable. Riddick is, too, with me. I dissed Lex today, told him that even if he's comfortable in office wear, I'm not, so shut the fuck up and go away. I was just trying to immerse myself in my work. Trying to take it one day at a time, and not worry about what tomorrow entails. I rushed home to do some work out. And I felt better then, knowing I was myself again. But now, at night...I've gotten low again. Damned. Heh. I was right. Depression is really just a part of me. Oh well. Tomorrow. New day. New stuff to handle. Gotta handle the people again. Gotta be superficial again. More small talk. More...hypocrisy. More lies. Valar help me. (Fiery twilit sky)
Monday, May 23rd, 2005
8:04 pm	I'm going to sit down in my darkened room and meditate before I go to sleep tonight. I'm going to create a new person, and assume her personality, at least until I find out more about my workmates and how I should react to them. I'll view her in laughter, in tears, when she's happy, when she's angry; what she does when she's pressured, what she does when she's sitting, moving... I'll create her, and then I'll become her. As a front, as a role, as a person. That was what Batman did. And what I'll try to do. Mm... (Fiery twilit sky)
10:31 am	Today is my last day of freedom, in a sense. Tomorrow marks the day when I start internship. I've gone beyond. After weeks of worrying and everything, I've been too numbed and torn apart of emotions at extreme ends that I've gone beyond that, because, emotionally, I've got nothing more to lose. I've numbed and in a state of apathy and general blah-ness. Like I said, nothing more to lose emotion-wise. I'm tempted to try out a technique Bruce learnt, to become another character, another person... (2 skies | Fiery twilit sky)
Sunday, May 22nd, 2005
9:36 pm	Now...today was weird, in a sense. I had to go to my family's condominium (rented out) to clean up 'cause the most recent tenent had left, and we had to make things sparkly for the agent to bring potential tenents for viewing. The house was in a state of disgustingly filthy dirt, grime, and random objects such as a cap, underwear (like, what the fuck?!), strewn-about letters, plastic/paper bags, mothballs, icky things under the fridge, icky things in the cupboard and stuff...I shouldn't go on. So, I was cleaning, shifting stuff, and cursing the tenents most colorfully, when I felt Lex's presence with me, just hovering...not intruding, akin to the act of staying at the door to a person's room without entering fully. I was bitching and bitching, and surprising to me, Lex accompanied me for like...four to six hours, just listening to me bitch, to me curse, amusing me by having some rather funny retorts. I apologized to him for my prisiness two nights before, and I guess he accepted it. Around late noon, while I was separating pandan leaves into bundles for placing into the wardrobes, I went crazy. I LOVE the smell of pandan, and it was like a drug that got me on high. I went around the apartment, laughing like crazy, saying I should become a pandan seller, I was the pandan fairy (chokes, wheezes, gasp! is this really Casey?!), and stuff. I even tied some leaves to my glasses to have a constant whift of their scent. Apparently, Lex was most amused and intrigued by my behavior. He was observing me like I was a specimen or stuff. Heh. Admittedly, I was most hyper, insane...but what surprised me was that he took hours of my bitching without being bored, without leaving. Like...WTF? *raises brows* Oh-kay...I'm suspicious now... (3 skies | Fiery twilit sky)
Saturday, May 21st, 2005
10:38 pm	I reckon I should apologize to Lex for being such a bitch last night. My fault, really, not his. I still feel cold right now, but not as much. Watching a filmage of arctic wolves cheered me up considerably. Their howls brought out my own, and I howled joyously with them. Strange. I felt my plumage today. Seems like Eagle's reasserting himself. I felt my arms as wing-bones, and could actually feel my feathers as (phantom) wind ruffled them as I spread them out. Very dark brown feathers with slight hints of gold and black. Beautiful. Even if I do say so myself. Not interested in anything. Just sleep. Where are you, Dick? (Fiery twilit sky)
9:10 am	I felt myself getting colder...colder...as I drew my armor around myself in preparation for a battle that has re-started. It started way too many years ago, and I've fought battle after battle in the war. Last night, perhaps emotions got too much for me to handle, so my trainings decided to take over, and shielded me from my own emotions so that neither of us could acknowledge the other's existance, and thus, a breakdown was prevented for me. I can have quite a lot of these before I truly break down like...once or twice a year...to release all the pent-up and unacknowledged emotions. People have commented it's sad: me not being able to fully and truly cry or laugh anymore, not with true sorrow, nor true joy. And I've forgotten how those feel. Not sorrow and pain, perhaps, because I know my own depths of those. But because I'm unable to acknowledge them, I've lost the ability to express them to my fullest capability, and thus, laughter of joy is also denied me. I sought comfort elsewhere...in a sense. In my coldness, in my seeming-apathy, I turned to Lex Luthor. Our words were not the most cordial, but they came with harsh truths to us both. I called him, "Mr. Luthor," not out of respect, but with a mocking sarcasm. He gave me a look, and told me to call him, "Lex." "I'm afraid I don't trust you enough to have you on a first-name basis yet, Mr. Luthor." A pause. "Why are you here? Why did you come to me?" A steady gaze from him this time. "What any of us wants...what both of us searches for: a reprieve from pain." I found some sort of respect for him this time, for even daring to admit it to me, much less anyone else. I feel cold. I feel detached. I feel apathetic in the midst of pain, and sorrow, and grief, and darkness. And in a land where the grass was long and green, and the wind blew with a soft breath of life, neither too warm, nor too cold, and the streams ran with clear and sweet water, a steel flower stood alone, cold and unbending against the wind, its roots deep in the warm soil but apart from it, pain and sorrow and darkness and grief chafing it and being its source. And it exerted its will to contain those, so that the land around it wouldn't be tainted. Its armor was strong, and its core...its core yearned to reach out and part the armor, but it did not dare, for it had festered too long alone, and to emerge would prove its demise in a world foreign and barren in its fullness. (Fiery twilit sky)
Friday, May 20th, 2005
11:28 pm	Full Circle: chapter one I present, chapter one of Batman Beyond: Full Circle. :) Oh, and those who'd comment, please do me a favor and comment at FF.net instead? So I can collate the reviews and stuff. :) Thanks. (Fiery twilit sky)
9:50 pm	So, I'm still trying to get to terms with psyching myself up for internship. Trying to react, and not act. Trying to just...treat it as a new experience without any prior prejudices and expectations. It's hard, but hey, when has my life not ever been without struggling? When has any life not been without struggles in one form or another? I'll just...grit my teeth and ram through the whole thing, I guess. No point worrying about it till I...what? grow old? (Fiery twilit sky)
Thursday, May 19th, 2005
10:16 pm	Gregor E., I swear you better show me some respect and give me some announcement if you want to talk to me tonight, and not just startle me like you did in my mindscape. That was rather...intrusive. Heh. I think I'll talk with Dick tonight. Spend some time with him, especially since I'm going to be fucking tired by internship, I expect. I miss him already. Mm...was telling Saber about my change of attitudes and commitments for Dick, and she commented that I was very loyal. But well...it's a thing I hold myself very strictly to, especially since I--and the rest--were brought up by Bruce. I miss him. Oh, I already said that. Valar, won't he be amused? *chuckles* (Fiery twilit sky)
11:37 am	I'll be working in a ten-person team for my company. That's a pretty bad thing, IMO, since I don't like to work with others, and the only others I can even tolerate myself with is the pack. Oh, of course we get annoyed and snap and growl and even try to bite one another, but there's a respect there, no fear, no cowering. Forbear...forbear. Be doing quite a bit of writing/editing for newsletters. Good, since this is rather familiar grounds. But Dreamweaver...gotta brush up on that again within this week. Thanks to Felicia for agreeing to crash course me this weekend. Heh. Need it. Desperately. It's one of the worst WYSIWYGs I've ever used. Partly 'cause I'm incompetent in this. *growls* Surprisingly, this month has been extremely strange for almost all members of the pack. Mom has a SB (yay, heh) and she's been turning to me for ventage and advice; R. is a bit...*coughs coughs* lovesick?; O.'s like...rotting (lol) and finding his path; as for me...I'm building up on my relationship with D. and trying to find my path...just find my way...*home*. I'll give up everything, all my other dreams, if just this one can be fulfilled: the biggest, the strongest, the most potent, the one my whole damned life is built upon. "I haven't been a kid since I was eight-years-old." No, he hasn't, and I, too, haven't. I haven't been a kid because I grew up way too fast living this dream, grew up in its shadow, grew up with it taking over my whole life. And for what end? Still, I wouldn't give it up. It's the base upon which I've built every other thing I've done. And to give it up demeans and belittles all the things I've done because of it, because of them, because of him. Pain. Tortured. In sorrow, in grief. "Seek for your dreams within." (Fiery twilit sky)
Wednesday, May 18th, 2005
12:41 pm	The Dante's Inferno Test has banished you to the Fifth Level of Hell! Here is how you matched up against all the levels: Level Score Purgatory (Repenting Believers) Very Low Level 1 - Limbo (Virtuous Non-Believers) High Level 2 (Lustful) Low Level 3 (Gluttonous) Moderate Level 4 (Prodigal and Avaricious) Very Low Level 5 (Wrathful and Gloomy) Very High Level 6 - The City of Dis (Heretics) High Level 7 (Violent) Very High Level 8- the Malebolge (Fraudulent, Malicious, Panderers) High Level 9 - Cocytus (Treacherous) Low Take the Dante's Inferno Test *chuckles* Fifth level, eh? Where's Etrigan? (1 sky | Fiery twilit sky)
Tuesday, May 17th, 2005
4:33 pm	So, yeah, was watching the Justice League Unlimited VCD I bought yesterday. Pretty cool episodes. I especially loved the one about Morgan Le Fay turning the Leaguers into small kids. Batman as a kid was...amusing...rather out of character, but amusing, nonetheless. Etrigan as a baby was cute. What is the worst thing is that had that really happened, I'd have been placed in the same limbo state as Batman. Which means that I'd have been able to meet my family. Which means that I'd have had the chance of asking if Le Fay would teach me the magicks needed to transverse worlds. *sighs* Okay, enough of that. Mm...apparently our dear Mr. Gregor Eisenhorn thinks I'm a feisty girl, as said in a sardonic and drily amused tone. Yay. *rolls eyes* (Fiery twilit sky)
9:20 am	Yesterday night wasn't one of the best nights I had. All the pining and heart-crushing yearning and stuff sort of coalesed into one portion of last night, and man was I trying not to break down. Perhaps mom was right. Perhaps it is good to have Dick there (especially since he's most patient). He couldn't offer any solution but he did offer support. He did some things to make me calm down, and to just...give strength. Interesting how some of us in the pack have soulbonds and/or spirit guides. Ravi, me, and now mom. Mm...sometimes, it's a chore dealing with them, but then again, I wouldn't have it any other way. (Fiery twilit sky)
Monday, May 16th, 2005
9:37 am	Spent many hours last night trying to figure out what's going on with my life. I was afflicted with a sudden sense of lost: where am I going? what do I want to do? I know where I want to go, but I don't know where I'm going, because where I want to go can never be attained with the physical body...not with science as backward as it is now. I want to go home. It's become so painful it isn't even tolerable anymore. And I've got to wonder: when did things become so bad? When did the hurt and yearning become too much for me to manage? *sighs* (Fiery twilit sky)
Sunday, May 15th, 2005
12:57 pm	The thunderstorm last night was terribly beautiful. The rain brought with it a scent so refreshing and so ethereal my soul was appeased for that moment. The sky, black with night, turned silver with the lightning flashes, and the thunder boomed out a tune that was music to my soul, as a Child of the Storm. The wind. The night. Silver. The music. Beautiful... (Fiery twilit sky)
12:23 pm	Cramps. Extremely annoyed dragon. I want to rip things, destroy. *growls* (Fiery twilit sky)
Saturday, May 14th, 2005
10:30 pm	Met up with the pack today. Had quite a lot of fun. Thanks to Ravi for the tabula rasa gift. :) Very pretty. Bought another t-shirt: a shaman with a wolf and an eagle. :) I had my aura photographed on an impulse today. I swear my aura looks like a paddle pop ice cream: turqoise and aquamarine and violet, and ultra-violet and stuff. *faints* Apparently, I'm on a strong spiritual path and will receive the highest forms of energy needed in my enlightenment...soon...heh. I'm having cramps now. It's not very painful, and is currently a minor irritant. But I was so annoyed I literally growled today, when we were out, deep in my throat. I rumbled, barring my teeth. And it was a very nice feeling. (Fiery twilit sky)