Kerry's Journal

Tuesday, November 25, 2003

6:53PM - I'm back

I know i havn't written in this forever but i really think that now that days i have the time i need to write in this. Its november 25th and so much has happened since the last time i wrote. I'm very busy, i skate mondays wednesdays saturdays and sundays and i'm going to be picking up skating on tuesdays for ice dacne. I dance on thursdays. I have chorus on mondays and play reahearsals all the time. I don't have much tiem to write in this but i really think i need to because i'm so sick of being deppressed. Lets go back as far aas i can remember.

September: School started, synchro started. Synchro was such a mess, we bumped down to a teen team and mom was furious, she told me that she wouldn't come to any of practices and so far she has kept up with that. I've had to call my dad out of work to take me, bum rides off my friends, its just not good. School was actually ok, i liked my classes for once... this didn't last long. I was good friends with kara, back to being friends with allegra, hung out with some of the guys. I can't complain about sepetmeber life was pretty good.


October: Mom still wouldn't go to skating, Mom and dad started to fight...big fights, all about skating... it sucked! Mellissa and vinnie got in this huge fight and split up, mel is my friend now, me and kara and her are like the trio but i miss hanging out w/ allegra, shes friends with vinnie and lilly now. Charlie...well...charlie is sitll charlie, he wouldn't get away from me, always touching me it was like AHH GO AWAY!!! some things never change. Pretty deppressing month, it gets worse

And here we are in november. This month mom and dad are sitll fighting. We went to plymouth completely unprepared, but WE WON!!! that was the highlight of the month. Colby started hanging out with ollie and gabby, i never really get to talk to her any more, i only talk to her about steve now. I'll get to him in a second. Charlie STILL won't go away, and i'm SOOOO Fat!!!!!! its grose.


STEVE: Steve is this kid that Colby is friends wiht. He needed a girl, i needed a guy and shes been trying to set us up ever since. I talk to him on the phone and online all the time and i really want to meet him but, ever since i got raped i'm still afraid to get close to a guy its like this insecurity around men, i can't be alone with them. It scares the shit out of me. I dont' want to be like this forever, someday i want to get married, some day i want to have kids but i'm just so scared! i just am so uncomfortable around guys now. It never hit me, he raped me when i was 13!!!! and after that i was fine with guys still the flirty little girl i had always been but suddenly i'm scared to death, its like it just kicked in 2 years later. I hate being uncomfortable around anyone.

Charlie: good ol' charlie. Annoying as hell!!! he's tellin everyone how he's going to ask me to the semi and he keeps hinting at it but UGGGh i want to go w/ someone just not him!

more in a few the rents need the puter

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Wednesday, September 10, 2003

8:28PM - my moms love

Dkh21: in case I haven't told you lately, I LOVE YOU, I am proud to be your mother, and you are facing some difficult decisions. Just know, you have soooo many friends besides skating. You have Charlie!!!!!


awwwwwwwwwwwww

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Monday, August 25, 2003

3:43PM - Fake

Happily ever after,
That's how they want you to think it will be,
But it's not,
Not at all in reality.
The deaths, the tears, the fears, the falls,
Through it all we still go on.
The broken hearts,
the cheating friends,
So much pain that never ends.
The fake smiles that seem to make everything ok,
But no for you, because you know the pain won't go away.
Bright and cheery, but oh so weary,
Because inside your heart is breaking in two.

Do you ever feel like people are so fake? Its almost like you can't trust anyone these days. So many people in my life act fake to hide things... why does everyone hide things? what does it matter? what big secret is everyone hiding. I suppose I shouldn't talk i did it for years... but now i don't care, that was my past... i need to live the present not hold on the the past. Yesterday was great and today will rock too! why can't everyone think like that. It seems like the cool thing to be is depressed... everyone listens to depressed music,movies,tv shows... its crazy!!!! what is this world coming to. When i say depressed i dont' mean just being upset or sad, thats hardly what it is... i mean the disease! actual depression... its crazy.

I'm really happy with the way things are going... i just want to mend things with hannah... i want my life to be right... its getting there i'm really happy! I think its simsbury, its like my anti!!!!! Mom said i can go back once a month! i'm sooo happy!!!!!!

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3:43PM - Fake

Happily ever after,
That's how they want you to think it will be,
But it's not,
Not at all in reality.
The deaths, the tears, the fears, the falls,
Through it all we still go on.
The broken hearts,
the cheating friends,
So much pain that never ends.
The fake smiles that seem to make everything ok,
But no for you, because you know the pain won't go away.
Bright and cheery, but oh so weary,
Because inside your heart is breaking in two.

Do you ever feel like people are so fake? Its almost like you can't trust anyone these days. So many people in my life act fake to hide things... why does everyone hide things? what does it matter? what big secret is everyone hiding. I suppose I shouldn't talk i did it for years... but now i don't care, that was my past... i need to live the present not hold on the the past. Yesterday was great and today will rock too! why can't everyone think like that. It seems like the cool thing to be is depressed... everyone listens to depressed music,movies,tv shows... its crazy!!!! what is this world coming to. When i say depressed i dont' mean just being upset or sad, thats hardly what it is... i mean the disease! actual depression... its crazy.

I'm really happy with the way things are going... i just want to mend things with hannah... i want my life to be right... its getting there i'm really happy! I think its simsbury, its like my anti!!!!! Mom said i can go back once a month! i'm sooo happy!!!!!!

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Sunday, August 24, 2003

9:54PM

Wow. Its been such a long time since i've written in here. I suppose a lot has happened since the last time i wrote in here and so much has happened. Camp was so great, it was the best thing i've ever done for myself because for once i didn't care about anything other thank skating. It didn't matter to me that i was one of the bigger girls (b/c i was the second oldest out of the boarders). I just... fit in... it was GREAT!. I could go on forever about how much i loved it but those are memories that will never go away, there is no sense in writing about it. I really wana go back soon!!!!!! once i get my axel thats the first place i'm gona go!!!!

I FIT INTO A ZERO AT ABERCROMBIE!!!!! :-D!!!! i never thought that would happen. The wierd thing is i've actually been eating lately like REAL food like 3 meals a day plus snacks.... i don't understand why suddenly it fits! but hell i'm don't care!!!!! I'm SOOO HAPPY! i wana stay this weight i'm happy now... i am so glad this day finally came, i'm so glad to feel good about myself, i hope it doesn't leave once i get back to school... I REALLY REALLY HOPE IT WON'T!

I think i'm gona miss water country, i made some good friends but oh well, thats what aim is for i guess right? hehe... i'm definetly not gona miss how embaressed i get when i'm around gary or lauren... sal and britt really fucked that up for me, but i guess i should have known when u invite ur crazy friends to work.

Today was awsome, catoring for the dingman's party. There farm is amazing i wish i had that much money sometime.s but other times, i'm happy being a normal person. I just hope I can go to berwick next year, finally working and making money makes me savor every cent!!! when people blow money i'm jsut like WOW i can't believe u did that because i understand managing money. Thats why i feel bad for my dad, he works so hard for every cent and i just go off and spend it... it feels so great to spend my money and not spend my dads, he should do something for himself but w/ berwick and middlebury that pretty much takes it all up. I wouldn't mind going to portsmouth next year, i would miss berwick but i'm old enough now to understand its not my dads fault. Its not my moms either she couldn't help that she had cancer, or her hysterectemy. She would have died if she didn't get those operations, i love them both and i wish they would jsut stop worrying so much. I guess thats what being an adult is all about. I need to stop spending so much of their money though i really need to tame down, if i can go to berwick next year i'm going to work so hard and take advantage of everything i can because its such a great experience and i've been taking too much advantage of my dad and not the school.

DID I EVER TELL YOU'RE MY HERO??? << I love daddy!

Current mood: chipper
Current music: shake your tailfeathers
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Tuesday, July 15, 2003

7:56PM - A secret between friends

Trapped in the soul of a forbidden storm
Locked in a cage of insanity
Closing in
No longer spaces, just emptiness
Indulged in the wounds
Oh what relieving wounds
Obsessed with the numbers of gravity
Lost
Darkness
Stay in the light

Lately my moms been calling me busty. Now to most people this wouldn't be a big deal u'd just bump up to the next bra size, i'm not ready to do that! i found a bra in my drawer that was a B cup and i tried it on not knowing, it was big so i asked my mom if it was hers or something and she wa slike no and i told her how i tried it on. she started going on about how she doesn't believe i'm an a and all this stuff. So i showed her my fav. bra and was like this fits!!!! and she was like HA ur a 34 not a 32 like u've been saying!!! she just wants to fucking get me!!!! I feel so fat, its not even funny. I was doing fine and then boom, everyone started making comments. I just wish i could tell the whole fucking world about this but noone belives me cus i'm not skinny enough. Weight doesn't have everything to do with it!!! its a mentality, i just wish i could make a broadcast to the whole world about that UGGGH!. Only a select few know, and half of them i wish i had never told!!! some people assume and others just think i'm fine! uggggh! i'm not fine!!! i'm crying over a bra!!!! and noone can see it!!! i just wish it wasn't a little secret! its a disease!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i wana fall asleep and wake up 90 pounds.... then i'd be happy right?

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Monday, July 14, 2003

8:12PM - Lonely

If you want to, i can save you
I can take you away from here
So lonely inside,
So busy out there,
And all u wanted was somebody who CARES!!!

^^If only someone could do that for me

Lately i've been feeling so lonely!!! I see people a lot, a ton of my friends, but the truth is i just really miss having a boyfriend! i just feel so desperate. I'm ready for n e thing, but nothing is coming my way. All i want is somebody who cares. The truth is i have someone who really does care, but i don't know why i can't accept him... he's probably sitting on his bunk bed up in the mountains at camp thinking the same thing, its so sad... maybe i don't like him because he's not popular, or maybe because he can be a freak... but he's a great talker, i can tell him almost anything and he doesn't tell n e one he just wouldn't do that!!! He knows so much about me, but i still can't like him like that. Our date was cool, just talking and stuff. But i can't picture doing n e thing with him. I can see myself doing it with other people though thats what worries me. Do i really like those boys? or am i just desperate, and they are the only ones that will... those horny lil boys? I don't know what to do! i'm about to go stir crazy, i'm so lonely!!!

I am so selfish too, all i do is complain all the time! its crazy, i'm surprised my friends still care about me!!! if i were them i'd get so annoyed! Its me me me all the time! i hate that about myself sometimes. My life is not the center of the world... i do care i swear! i care about all of you, i just wish i could tell u that.

Today was actually a pretty great day, i had work, met some people... got to see gary! he's SOOO hot!!! omg!!!! AND HE REMEMBERED ME!!! :-D hehe yeah i'm happy!!! still lonely but happy i hope i get to know him by the end of the summer better... i'm hoping i can do a dance class again this week, or take a walk on for skating i really feel like doing something athletic! i don't know what i'm doin tommrow, i hope its something good though

Current mood: lonely
Current music: Michelle Branch (take you away)
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Saturday, July 12, 2003

6:14PM - I just bitched at my dad

Ok so it was dinner time and my dad wanted pasta, he was flipping out about it because he didn't want to cook any so i told him i'd have the left over bow ties. He was yelling in the kitchen cus he dropped something or something i don't know but he was just being an all around ass. He put this nasty sause on it OMG I HATED IT! and i had mixed it all over my meal... i went to the trash to wipe it off but my dad walked in and was like waht are you doing? i was like wiping it off and he was like why do u not like it? i was like i HATE IT!!! he was like do u want somethng else, and i said no and then we started fighting... it was over pasta but i don't know whats going on. I ended up going in my room and crying, i don't know whats wrong with him... and i don't know whats wrong with me. He's been a real ass lately, i don't know what his problem is!!! ugggh

Current mood: bitchy
Current music: None
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4:07PM - Determined

Morning
a new beginning
a chance to start all over again
Unless you can't forget the past
tearing at your heart
your mind

Alone, I face a society
who doesn't know me
doesn't accept me
hates me
No one understands
no one will ever understand
Can't you hear me
Screaming
crying
for anyone, anywhere
Suffocating in a family, a world
who doesn't believe
I will make them believe.
Defying everyone I've met
everything I've learned
everything I've ever known
Even if it costs me my life.

Love is the power behind it
courage is the power that inspires it
honor is the power that keeps it alive

Only the dawn acknowledges me as I start down a treacherous path
that no one has gone down before
I will be the first.
Nothing can stop me.
© by Anita Cheng

^^This poem truly describes everything about me. I'm so determined to do everything right. I want to be good at Skating, staying skinny,dance,singing,friends,work and everything else in my life.


Since i turned about 14 i've wanted to have the perfect body, no matter what i only wanted to be a size zero and 90 pounds. But sitting here in my 5'4 115 pound body i realize that its pretty much impossible. I'm not saying i'm fat, i know i have a lot of muscle, but as i constantly hang around with people way skinnyer than me, i start to ask myself WHATS WRONG WITH ME!!!! why am i the fat one? this has never happened to me before!!! I'm determined to be 100 pounds, and i hate having to do it the anorexic way, but sometimes i feel like its the only way i can, and the only control over my life i can have. I wish there was some miracle pill i could take and tommrow i could wake up being any weight possible... but thats not gona happen. I'm starting to realize that its ok to be my size, but its hard to ask yourself to not be insecure. I wore tight pants to skating today for the first time in my life, i didn't feel that HUGE but the stares i got... i automatically began thinking that they must be looking at how fat i am. I wish i didn't care about it... but i do! i need to admit it I DO CARE!!! and i can't stand any negative comment about my body.


I am so determined to become an amazing singles skater, and ice dancer, and synchro skater... I would love to say i was the best skater on my synchro team, but you and i both know thats not true. I'm one of the weaker skaters to tell you the truth, although i feel like if my determination and dreams could come true, and if those dreams could be real... i'd be the best skater there ever was. Although because that can not happen i'm stuck waisting my life away... but i'm ok with that!!! I'm not skating for people n e more, i'm not doing it to impress bethany,gillian,allison,sally,sarah,brittany or n e of the the other 20 skaters on my team... i'm skating for me, and i'm determined... someday i'll be great, and even if i'm not i'll always have the determination to work hard, and i can look back on that when i'm 60 years old and remember the good times, i spent working hard at skating and loving it... I don't wana look back on my fat ass being lazy and hating it. The day i loose my determination thats when i'm going to quit, and never look back.

It makes me that must stronger
makes me work a little bit harder
makes me that much wiser
THANKS for making me a fighter!!!!

Current mood: determined
Current music: Fighter
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Friday, July 11, 2003

8:09PM - Skating for the sole

Deppresion: (1) : a state of feeling sad : DEJECTION (2) : a psychoneurotic or psychotic disorder marked especially by sadness, inactivity, difficulty in thinking and concentration, a significant increase or decrease in appetite and time spent sleeping, feelings of dejection and hopelessness, and sometimes suicidal tendencies

^^^ I don't knwo if that really describes me or not, someitmes i just feel sad. I dont' know what i'm sad about, mostly its the stress of my friends being constantly depressed. Most of them have been diagnosed with deppresion and the others should be. I know that the cause of my depression is the fact that i am so insecure. I hate admitting that but its the truth. I always need to be aware of what people think of me, and i think that is why i am so paranoyed about my weight. NO, i'm not anorexic, but i have the anorexic mentality. I may be average weight but i can't stand myself, and i try to diet, i just never stick with it. Its tough!

I feel like the only time that i am truly happy is when i am skating. It started out that i was going to skate just because it was pretty, a great sport that i could keep myself busy with it. I never knew i would pursue my goals and soon it would take over my life. After all the tears and sweat i've put into this sport i've finally decided that i need to skate because i love it. Its my one back up in life. Without it, i don't know who i am. If i am angry, or sad, or deppressed, i can always take to the ice. Just digging my toe pick into that sheet of ice takes it all away. Its almsot like i can be in my own little world while i skate and all the bad things go away. Its like heaven, a savior, its my salvation from the storm. I only wish that everyone felt that way. Sometimes i feel like the people on my team or the people in the club are only in it for the competiiton, they only want to win. I'm sure that must be a fantastic ambition, but i hate that our club has come to that. Skating is supposed to be fun, that was all taken away this year. Maybe those people have other salvations they can turn to, or maybe they dont' even need salvations but i do and i hate that our team has come down to that, and i hate how it ruins it for the people who do it for other reasons. I also hate that those people bring people like me that need skating to the point where i want to quit. I look up to the girls that could give it all away to stand up for their beliefs but i could never do that. My love for the ice is too huge. When its just me on the ice, everything is gone, all my problems, all my worries, all my excitements, all my dreams... when its just me i feel like i can do anything, its a sense of cleanliness, i get washed away from all the heartaches, all the stress. But i never get the ice just to myself, someone else is always there, or i'm in lesson with a coach barking out orders, it leaves no time to reflect on life. But those few times each year that i do get it alone... everything is right... its PERFECT! i'm skating for my sole. Everyone has a shelter from the storm... Figure Skating is mine

Current mood: depressed
Current music: I will survive
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