| Distortions |
[02 Oct 2004|02:38am] |
The bleeding has stopped. It was a quick one this time. Keys are now all clean.
I have had so many nose bleeds that my periods have stopped. The last one I had was about 3 months ago. At least I don't get those bloody cramps. That's why it's good. Nose still feels a bit sore. Wll be getting it pierced tomorrow, with C. We both want it done.
I look whiter than ever. I must be dying. I can't remember the last time I ate. Shame I am so fat. I either forget or cannot be bothered to cook. Personally I like feeling hungry. Makes me feel alive. To actually want something so badly that you would kill for it. That's the only emotion I can feel. I can't get any feelings off people. So being hungry puts things in perspective.
Oh well I guess I am alone in this.
Therefore I must fight my corner and burn all the white flags.
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| Bloodied noses and other things... |
[02 Oct 2004|01:40am] |
Strange night.
And so this path of self-destruction continues.
Today my mother said that I look too pale. She asked me what I was doing. All I said was coffee, cigarettes and alcohol. That's all I thought of saying. I don't know if she read me. I did not add the stuff about the lighter fuel and the loss of blood. I've been doing that stuff for years. But this week I started getting nosebleeds because I am now taking 65 mls of it a night. I lose so much blood. I've got one now. The computer keys are full of deep red ruby blood. Last night it kept me up all night. I woke up every hour, suffering with horrible nightmares. I got wrecked tonight. It gets rid of the headaches.
Fuck! I'm a total mess.
I've tried so hard to pretend to be normal that I've now turned myself into a mess.
I keep thinking about what happened years ago. It's so hard to remember, but then I do remember and I have to confront myself with the flashbacks of what happened. So I try to numb it, as well as I can. I'm quite good at that. But every once in a while I have to confront what happened head on.
And so I must. Life is a confessional. One day, when we die, we will confess our lives to some higher being. I don't believe in God and if there was one, I'd hate him. Blood is only superficial.
I feel full of hope. I am so glad. I look at my face today in the mirror and say hey, you're not looking so bad. Even though I am fat. That's superficial. But sometimes I look in the mirror and see the truth. All about what happened stares back at me through sad, old eyes.
I wish I had another life.
Apparently I'm a bitch. I agree.
I look so old. I'm dying.
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| I want clothes! |
[27 Sep 2004|01:57pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 chipper |
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| [ |
music |
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Hunter - Dido |
] |
'If you were a king up there on your throne, would you be wise enough to let me go...for this queen you think you own...wants to be a hunter again, wants to see the world all over again, to take a chance on life again...so let me go...' Dido
I am really feeling it. Not having any money in the bank and having to rely solely on my parents. That is so frustrating! I am down to my last tenner. My student loan cheque has not arrived yet. If it's not there tomorrow - I swear to god, I will tie myself to the uni railings and start a protest! I am destitute! And my last tenner was acquired by a very good lie. I told my mum I needed a uni book! Ha! I am clever! I should have been an actress! I will have to get a job, but the only thing I am good at is writing. Everything else...well bleuuurggghh!
My last job lasted three weeks. I worked in a chemist. I didn't last so long because I refused to empty the bins and the boss was a misogynist (fuck, that was hard to spell!). I absolutely refuse to touch the bin at home, let alone a dirty shop's.
I am such a good time singing along to Dido. I've always known I've had a voice, but have been too scared to use it. Maybe I should get singing lessons. I write enough songs. I'm fucking having lessons for everything now - skiing, driving, singing, tap...it goes on. But I need to keep busy or I go mad!
The devil makes work for idle thumbs...
'For the crown you'vve placed upon my head feels too heavy now, I don't know what I'll say to you, so I'll smile instead...'
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| I Can Feel it Coming in the Air Tonight... |
[27 Sep 2004|01:22pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 blah |
] |
'I been waiting for this moment for all my life...Baby you told me you were drowning, I would not lend a hand, I seen your face before my friend, but I don't know if you know who I am...'
What am I waiting for? I can feel it coming in the air tonight...
Today I'm busy. I'm going out tonight and I want to look decent! The problem is, what do I do about my arms? I have to go and get the dressings changed today. Bloody dogs! Well I might as well go sort out my hair and eyebrows, then go off and get them changed, come back, sort out my bloody room and get ready - that is, if we are still going out. I phoned L today and she'll call me back after she comes back from university. Then we'll decide. I do like Monday nights at Eros - they have all this old skool stuff. Shame about the expensive drinks. I can only ever have one there.
My mum won't be pleased. But she don't own me. I can do what I like - I'm a student after all! Aren't all students meant to go out every night and stagger back in the early hours? I swear, I have to move out! I can't stand her moaning and her cooking. Actually no-ne actually cooks here anymore. My mum is always too tired to do anything after work. So I just eat what I can eat in easy reach - fruit, yoghurts, chips, chocolate, sandwiches etc. Anything that comes out of a fast food joint or the fridge is all I can be bothered to do. I wish I wasn't so chubby. The amount of diets I've tried, this year.
Curves, Atkins, South Beach, GI....I can't be bothered with all that crap anymore. Dieting are for people who have got nothing else better to do, when they could simply lose weight by not sitting on their arses watching bloody Loose Women or Trisha. I think I will join the gym next week. I know of a good deal. I've got to get fit anyway, because I'm going skiing in January (a week after my birthday) and I've got that cycle trek in Chile in June. I need to get skiing lessons, because I've forgotten how to ski. I just remember my first ski trip. The instructor was a pervert. He tipped me off my skis (he thought it would be funny) and I ripped out a chunk of his hair in the struggle! That'll teach him. I hope he's still got a bald patch.
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| On the Subject of Eros... |
[27 Sep 2004|12:15pm] |
If all is well, then I will be back to my old habits and getting rat-arsed in Eros, my local nightclub. Sounds usual.
I have to repair the damage I caused last night (I am so ashamed). I was such an idiot. I was so drunk I couldn't light my cigarette properly - I tried to light it the wrong way round. Felt like an 13 year old amateur again. Luckily, someone else did not mind about the damaged cigarette, and they had it. No more sambuca for me! Good girls don't swallow.
Or do they? ;)
I'll have to ring round today, see what everyone is definately doing. I like going out. But what will I wear? I got savaged by a dog who attacked my dog in the park. This was yesterday. I tried to seperate them, but BOTH dogs bit me. I was covered in blood, all up my arms. I even got my legs bitten too. My mother took me to the walk in place, so I'm bandaged up from my wrists to my elbows. I couldn't report it, cos my dog would get in trouble too. I was pretty shaken up.
So maybe that's why I had so much to drink last night.
Well, I'm going ring a few people.
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| Tired |
[27 Sep 2004|12:04pm] |
I'm so tired.
I got a little bit drunk last night, but woke up with no hangover. My body must be used to alcohol now, I think! Iron stomach! I know that I acted like a total bitch last night. That's what happens. I get drunk, and I either cry or I turn into total bitch from hell! The bad thing is that no-one can go back in time and change what happens. I have always made mistakes which leave me thinking, I really want to go back in time to change what was done. I should learn really, from mistakes, but when will I?! Maybe I just don't know what I want, so I just end up doing the wrong thing all the time.
Drank a lot actually - two sambuca, two Reefs, two double vodka and cokes and a shot of apple sourz. That's a lot, because it turned me into a mean old cow. Great. I'm crap. I wish I wasn't such a prat!
I hope the damage can be reversed. I'll try.
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| Brain Ache - Part II |
[27 Sep 2004|02:39am] |
| [ |
mood |
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hopeful |
] |
I have decided what I must do. Why did I not see this before? It's so simple.
I just have to tell the truth. That's all.
I know now. I like him. It's simple.
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| Brain Ache |
[27 Sep 2004|02:19am] |
Went out, got wrecked and was a totally horrible person. Oh why?
I hate it when I'm pissed. I go all weird and philosophical, or just plain weird.
All night I had this song in my head - it was 'Girl, You'll be a Woman Soon', by Urge Overkill. It's in Pulp Fiction. I have the DVD and album and everything. Even a signed John Travolta camera still. The song clouded over everything in my mind - I thought about how alone I am and how I push people away the moment they get close, even if I feel the same way. It's quite horrible to be like that - it hurts a lot of people. And my mum just won't stop picking on me. Especially over the past few days. She's made me feel quite bad. Saying all this stuff about how I will drag down everyone with me. Oh well.
Oh I wish I could be someone else.
My head hurts - I've got brainache. Think I will have a pint of water and go to sulk.
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