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[29 Aug 2003|11:06am] [ music | Smashing_Pumpkins-Bullet_With_Butterfly_Wings ] in light of very recent events, i guess things are finally going back to how they once were. still together, we're recovering from bouts that would have severed any other relationship. when will love no longer be able to hold this together? is this what my life has been about to discover? in anycase, things like that aren't too important right now. i'm just wondering exactly how a few friends of mine are doing, in ... since they seem no longer able to get a hold of me, it leaves me with very, very few options left. make new friends, i would imagine. in anycase. this is just to keep my mind from wandering too far down the proverbial nightmarish hell. Angel of One Black Wing sin(s) *

castlevania for thought [27 Aug 2003|02:05pm] [ music | bloody_tears(creature_of_chaos) ] RAH-HAH HAH HAH. I finally discovered that my brain is extremely overloaded by the amount of thinking I've been doing on this design I've been working on. Zane Nicolae Belmont's journey will take place during 1274-76, when Vlad Tepes is slain, and his immortal soul is trapped within the Accursed Seal, which Sonia later breaks in her quest, and later releases on her own son, Trever. Zane's father, Aelix, also has similar fate. Aelix sends Vlad to his physical demise in 1250, exactly 200 years before Sonia makes her mistake of courting Adrian, also known as Alucard. Hahah.... I figured it out. Er something. I might end up hosting a web-site with all this information, just so i can keep a progress chart on it's developement. In other news. Got the DVD - LotR II, the Two Towers. Eye Candy for the battle-hungry soul. Heh. Right now, I'd have to say that my favourite character is Aragorn, if only 'cause he fights more. In the PS2 game, Legolas is g0d all the way. Enough rambling. I'm in a slightly elated mood. Angel of One Black Wing sin(s) *

[25 Aug 2003|10:25am] [ mood | ... sleepy, sleep sleepy. ] [ music | in my mind, i see the future. in your voice, i hear fear ] so, i was wrong. about a few things. somewhere, on it's way, is the amorphis chapters cd+dvd ... with the music video of alone on it. -frothing- but other than that? okay, i got the name for the castlevania fan-game/thing i'm working on. hymn of the dead. dunno. might change dead into something else. like ... hymn of fantasia ( a music form in which is defined to be chaotic ) or something completely else. the main character is going to be named nicolae belmont, whom isn't like the belmonts before him -- like the recent Aria of Sorrow ( Minuet of Daybreak ) ... it's going to be set in the future. Only, not so far removed. Or, it may become in the past, sometime during it all, I'm not sure. Blah. She's at work, leaving me more than half the day to get things accomplished. or not. dunno. Angel of One Black Wing sin(s) *

i'm beginning to see ... that there's nothing left here for me [22 Aug 2003|12:15pm] [ mood | . . . ] [ music | disturbed-liberate ] ... now that i'm sort of done with the idle conception of this castlevania-based idea i had, all inspired by looking at a church that's surrounded by barb-wire ... i guess it's time to realize the truth about a lot of things, mainly the fact that there's just something's i'll never possess ... like a cd with my god-song on it, alone... by amorphis. their chapters release is out, and i still don't got it. i guess since i got lp's meteora, gotta make the sacrifice. don't even know if i want to go on with it. hey, yeah. there's nothing left for me to do, so whatever you know? lucifer and sorrow are still the main two i talk to. got an email from the mystic today, life's not going too good with her, hope it gets better. an im from the misguided angel ... wonder how her life's keeping up with her? dunno, and do i really care for them? in a way, i guess. helped me make some big decisions with my life, but other than that ... made a few mistakes with my girlfriend again, what's new? honestly? she says that she loves me and all this other shit, and i know it's true. i just ... doesn't she realize that probably everyone else wants me to be single or for her to find some one else? gods. i really don't know anymore, sometimes i guess that there's just no middle line to draw from. Angel of One Black Wing sin(s) *

regret; inner turmoil [20 Aug 2003|11:00am] [ music | linkin_park--breaking_the_habit ] another day. probably another mistake waiting to be made, y'know? got emails from lucifer and sorrow. supposed to call lucifer eventually, and sorrow's all for it. dunno. i wonder if it's fate or something that i met these girls? current situation is pretty much calm, with probably a few inner turmoils. wonder if the heat'll add or take away from anything? oh well. but hey. life goes on, i guess. probably got an idea for a fan-based castlevania game ... in which will take time to develope, but for right now ... it's an idea. .:- Z -:. sin(s) *

[19 Aug 2003|04:05pm] ... no more. why? the pain. if i could change i would, turn back the clock and make everything so much better than this. but, everything, i guess ... is more or less the compilation of everyday sorrows and the emotional turmoil that ... such brings. for now, i'll pay the price ... and journey into oblivion. heh. .:- Z -:. sin(s) *

frailty; tender endurance of life's drama [18 Aug 2003|05:43pm] [ mood | complacent ] [ music | linkin_park--numb ] sunday. the biggest thing. i guess i'm on my way back. dunno. spiralling. falling. today. sorrow and lucifer, my friends that i had once confided in. they return to me. it is a good thing, i imagine. newest additions to the studio apartment -- a toaster; linkin park's meteora; another extension cord. is it me, or is life getting gradually better? sorrow said i should go visit lucifer, that it'd be good for both of us. what she meant by that, i dunno. do i have some place to go, even after this 'eternal' love dies? dunno. i'm .. complacent where i am now, not much else. kind of upset, i want another PS2 -- Castlevania: Lament of Innocence ... .: idle frothing :. but in anycase ... everything remains the same. oh yeah, gotta reply to the musing imp. >.:- Z -:. sin(s) *

[16 Aug 2003|10:26am] [ mood | idle ... very idle ] [ music | you tell me ] welcome to my political asylum -- a living nightmare in which i don't know where to turn next. should i break up with her and say sorry for all the things i have done? should i continue for the best, hopefully for the rest of our lives? slowly, i guess, we're all dying ... but both of us know that we're afflicted with something else ... something that will eventually claim our lives for good. mine's worse than her's. she realizes that, but she still holds on. blind obsession or love? i'm fond of the latter. since there's really nothing else to do, i'm stuck trying to find some lyrics ... and a good form on the band that i like right now, amorphis. she decided to give me some of her CDs, that she doesn't listen to anymore -- Linkin Park -- Hybrid Theory ( Oo ) ... the Offspring -- Americana ... Limp Bizkit -- Significant Other ... Eminem -- Marshell Mathers LP, Slim Shady LP, and the Eminem Show. o.O; so, i'm left to wonder who the hell sings a song, that i have no title for. it's something like ... the chorus goes -- lost in time, carved in stone or something like that ... it has stone and time in it, and the words criminals and shady characters ... something to do with an arrow .. i'm rambling, old song that i used to like. >.:- z -:. sin(s) *

conscience; stones to throw at my creator [15 Aug 2003|10:37am] [ mood | ... ] [ music | sr_17-tomorrow ] who cares, honestly? who should give a damn about what happens to people, who puts their own life on the line for people s/he doesn't even know. right now, i find myself even more so doubting that the great god of christians even exsted. why? do you honestly care? didn't think so. this mood isn't brought about by a problem with my girlfriend ... it's brought about by some one i spoke to in the library. it's disgusting. to think how rapidly everything's going to shit. but in the event that people do give a shit, maybe the world stands a chance against internal-annihilation. like the great-black out. how many people will actually be willing to help if that happened on a grander scale? people, in general, only care about themselves ... and i really don't care if i'm being biased. in other news, now that my ranting is pretty much over ... it's hot. really hot. i wanna go to x-fest, but as everything else .. no money to throw into a pond. oh, by the way. i hate life ... i really do. so, onto my everyday existence .. or is it the other way around? still too early to find out. sin(s) *

fear; realization of truths we'd rather hide [14 Aug 2003|10:39am] [ mood | slightly irate ] [ music | a child calling her mother a bitch ( Lol ) ] how the hell did we wind up like this? why weren't we able ... idle nickelback moment, there. hey, whatever though. just going through the proverbial closet of past ghosts and looky what i drug out -- ancient memories that should have been left settled a long time ago. oh well. in anycase, girlfriend and i are still together ... for some reason ... i might end up locking myself into a mental asylum eventually, mainly because ... i dunno. so what if i am a freak of the mind, y'know? i asked her if she'd still want to be with me if i did that ... no answer, so i guess. right now, the cutest little thing -- a three year old just called her mother a bitch. the mother spanked her, and ... owww... extreme loudness -- the infant just whined. still whining. why the fuck do people bring their children to the library? it's supposed to be a quiet place, oh well. in anycase ... i guess i'll be waiting for my girlfriend after this, or i could always try to see if anyone's online for once. hey, looks like i'm going to be around for a while. later. .:- z -:. sin(s) *

emotions; imperfect dreams of frail flesh [11 Aug 2003|12:48pm] ever present, ever changing, destroyer of worlds, wrecker of memories, always eluding our capture: time. time is never the thing we want it to be, either with us or against us, it's all a matter of time. i'm partial to wonder how far will this relationship go? have i come to an end to my long journey of discovery .. or am i just going to play the fool, ruin her trust for the last time, an end up starting off again? so ... is my girlfriend ... my destination ... or just a little side adventure? hopefully .. this drifter can at long last lay his mind to rest and get on with his newest quest: self-discovery. who the hell am i? can anyone tell me? anyone ... i really don't care who ... so long as its a voice to help me. my girlfriend knows that i'm going to go on this journey eventually ... and she'd be patient enough to wait for me. unfortunately ... i've decided for myself ... that if i am gone longer than two weeks ... then ... i want her to move on. i know she probably won't ... but i want her to ... as much as i know that both of us will suffer. i guess it's like this -- if i spend more than a few days in deep thought about where my life is going, and i can find a direction in which to move it ... why? why would she/anyone want to be around me? .:- z -:. sin(s) *

true love; sinful emotion of the children that abandoned hope [08 Aug 2003|02:00pm] [ mood | athietical ( is that a word? ) ] [ music | rasputina-new_zero(trance_mix) ] is it the strange way i'm speaking, the claws on my fingers, are you there, should i care -- oh gods no -- they don't know the new zero one day, when my girlfriend gets her computer, i will make that song into a trance remix, so right now, it's playing in my mind. friendship is definately not going to be an option, i think we love each other too much for that to ever happen. in a way, that's a terrible thing .. 'cause what happens when the time comes and both of us realize that as much as we dream of it, our relationship wasn't meant to be? if that ever happens ... hell, literally, will break loose on earth, and people will start to die. no longer am i pretending that god is kind and good. should he fail to give me what i desired for so long ... i'll be the anti-christ. i'll raise up and slay him ... in anycase ... that's just some idle musings. i got a cd by tonic, probably listen to it a little later. .:- z -:. sin(s) *

eternity; existence of hopeless fantasies [06 Aug 2003|01:49pm] [ mood | tear-dimmd rememberance ] [ music | iii_doors_down-loser ] i'm growing fond of the last few subject titles. don't ask why. alright, so ... life's beginning to take shape now, even though i feel like shit for leaving them behind like that. it's hard to explain the friendship, so let's put it like this. i feel like i left a part of my life behind when i moved to this town. other than that, my girlfriend and her mother are going to go furniture shopping, let's hope that they pick out -- wait. more than likely they're going to take me with them. hmn. just idle rememberance ... i've always liked the drow-elf drizzt du'urden ... but ... in the sea of swords, by ra salvatore ... i guess i'm more a fan of jarlaxle now. he's quite menacing, but that holds no ... true grasp in this journal thing? so, again i question as to why the hell i am even typing my thoughts in this thing? i want to change my appearance ... both of this journal to a more ... idle thing. since i'm using public computers ... no psp to help me, the background i would want to create is not going to happen. i can visualize what i want to change about my physical appearance. some piercings, and a few tattoos .. stuff like that. other than that ... i might end up writing in more physical notebooks... i have a good collection of them. .:- z -:. sin(s) *

harmony; chaotic turmoil of inner deception [05 Aug 2003|11:47am] [ mood | broken existence; alive ] [ music | amorphis-alone ( or, reading the lyrics, rather ) ] what makes something real? is it the fact that we can see it? is it the fact that we can breath it, touch it, become it? in slight reoccurances of past, same rapport as before. nothing too serious, i'd say. just bringing us a step closer to what i may have first thought was seperation ... and now the realization that ... the only seperation for us would be ascending our mortal coil and experiencing something new. speaking to her right now, though she's really just across the room, we're both on yahoo! messenger. amusement, that's about all. completely off the subject ... but i think we've discovered that we're not seperating anytime soon, at least ... i finally realized it ... maybe my mind's been allowed to settle finally? is this the sign of me finally settling down and becoming at peace with a home life? eh. who knows, really? the muse, on the other hand ... really close to pressing the final few buttons here ... but hey. i know some one's going to end up reading this beside ... eh. but hey. life's going on. not ending, despite many ... many new cuts. .:- z -:. sin(s) *

santuary; self-sacrificing spiritual asylum [04 Aug 2003|07:22pm] [ mood | eros amouré ] [ music | none, sadly ] there is no other pain other than knowing that you believe in something that can no longer be with-held. in some senses, i suppose that is greater for the both of my girlfriend and myself. in greater news, the thunderstorms were phenomenal, more than i have ever seen. she's afraid of lightning, i'm entralled by it. i'll post again, sometime soon. yeah. i'm going to be using deadjournal now too. just because i can. username's going to be ephemeral_sin ... so, keep an eye on it if you're reading my blurty at all. ezekiel sin(s) *

[02 Aug 2003|10:32am] anger becomes a void; emotions swirling to replace emptiness within your soul. slowly abandoning, treacherous heights of betrayal. discover for your ownself what it is to be alive. don't ask, i don't really know. unlike the last few entries, i don't think this one'll have much of a message save ... i think i'm going to go away, for a very long time. i need some time to think about some things. sorry. if i'm back tomorrow, it's because i broke down and gave in, and am suffering for the sake of my girlfriend. it's not that i'm breaking up with her, ... i just need some time to myself. by nature, i'm a loner and an outcast. i think better when i'm alone. tear dimmed rememberance in a womb of time breath upon me possessed by the passion fate will set you free infertile chased be the precious when flesh is an enemy fair weather man [pre-chorus:] step aside from the way of a better man than you so you fall at his feet he's the one who betrays you it's the servant's devotion for the decay stand up [chorus:] there are no flowers on your grave there are no chains there i keep chanting for the forgotten name why you feel so empty and still have everything it's fullfilment i've got more companions when i'm all alone flesh is fetching that's by Amorphis - Alone. i like it. 'specially the last part -- i've got more companions, when i'm all alone. sometimes, that is how i feel. so, i'm gonna go now. i'll ... update on monday if i'm still around. -ezekiel 2 sin(s) *

friendship; sanity's torment [01 Aug 2003|12:00pm] [ mood | remnant musings ] [ music | Linkin_Park-Pts._of_Authority ] so, in recent occurances of friendship, i find myself questioning whether or not the muse is drawing this out to the point of no return. keep asking, and ... i'll hold true to that little threat -- ending all communication with her. kinda proves that, in the end, i'm the only companion i can trust. i might of gained a new companion, though whether or not her purpose is for my good or her own obsession, i do not know. for now, we'll just call her the 'dark angel' ... 'cause my original angel left, as did the squire and cleric. who knows about the mystic? who really knows..? in such, i guess i can say this : i did exactly what i was gonna do, save for strip her. Lol. we really didn't talk too much, kind of the usual sweet nothings before sleep. i actually got sleep for a while, but had this dream in which she died. kinda made me wake up and think really hard about things. okay, it's true. i haven't been the best of boyfriends ... nor will i become the best boyfriend. i have my faults, i can't buy her diamond earrings, or even an engagement ring if that comes to it ... she says all she wants from me is my love. i give her that, unconditionally. she could cheat on me, she could treat me like shit ... the point is ... i don't care. i love her, so long as she says that she loves me ... i just realized how much of a pathetic waste i am. i try so hard, yet never do anything right. i try to explain how i feel ... y'know? i was never really taught a 'healthy' way to express anger ... so .... it ends up in an argument that ends up with her crying. and ... for every tear she cries, i hate myself just a little bit more. i look at myself now, and realize ... how utterly ... despicable of a creature i am... all that aside, though ... that dream ... if i had the choice, i'd die... instead. or if i could, i would ... trade places with her ... in a way, i wish her religion was real; so when god comes to claim her, or lucifer, whichever her soul will belong to, i could stand tall and tell them to get their ethereal cuffs on her. even if i was condemned to a life of utter torment beyond hell, i'd do that ... 'cause ... i don't want to lose her. do i sound obsessive? no, i'm not ... really. she can tell you this too: if we break up after everything we've gone through ... we'll wind up losing both of our minds. -ezekiel ... who really needs to get some sort of caffiene sin(s) *

... am i the only one who thinks ...? [31 Jul 2003|05:58pm] [ mood | castlevania .:drool:. ] [ music | genesis.cv_bloodlines--theme_of_simon ] y'know? it's time like these that you really gotta hold that thought you just had, and take one step back. what the hell am i talking about? my girlfriend and i, after making up again ... ( ever-repeating cycle, no? kin'a reminds me of her once old dedication, theory_of_a_dead_man's-make_up_your_mind ... heh. ) ... had a discussion about a comic idea. richard e. reicht, also known as dick e. reicht. his nemisis? sorry alex, but ... gina clytorius. gina's friends ... syphe a. lliss and gonzolas ahrrea. richard is constantly troubled by his two friends, teste and kohl, who are two complete nuts, as richard calls them. his few hobbies include spelunking and casual massage. he can be rather soft and sentimental some times ... but ... for the most part, he's just a hard-ass who will do anything to get what he wants. does that sound like a perverse little idea? it should, that's the idea. i'm not gonna go through with it, 'cause .. honestly? what chance does something like that have to succeed in anyone's field of interest. in real news, i dunno. i had a whole three people comment on my entries since i started. might just go back to written format. but, since i'm writing, i get to vent, and ... fuck what you people want to read. if you have something to say ... then SAY IT. ( or.. type it, rather. xD! ) the day started out alright, a minor argument, nothing really serious .. turned into the usual surrender and fine, whatever scenrio, followed by me cutting myself again. ooo... heh. i might start that up again, i just realized how much of a nice feeling follows... need a better tool though, kitchen knifes suck ass. then, we went ... to the store, paid our first electric bill, some fifty bucks. ( no receipt was given, ... kinda makes me wonder ) then, after all that .. having only a total of $70 dollars to our name, and not knowing how money's gonna be for next month's rent ... she wants to go on about this ... floral couch. anyone who's been reading this journal should know by now ... uhh... no? don't think so, sorry ... wrong way? please go bye bye. she would NOT shut up about it, even when she left for work, leaving me to my own ends ( i'll probably stay at the library some, catch up with some things, then ... eh. go home, take a bath ... then ... watch a movie, eat some food .. wait for her, strip her of that nasty little outfit ( our inside joke: she's my Lil McDonald's Bunny ) and ... probably spend some time with her, other than sensual. ( i think we may need a break from it for a while, like ... until tomorrow? xD ) but hey. oooh! yeah! she said she'd get me castlevania: lament of innocence for christmas. shoulda seen my reaction, i wa slike .. ooooooooooo i'd of taken her, right there, in walmart if she wasn't so deft at shopping. then, i stopped and wondered, 'cause she said she'd get me this goa trance collection. duude. i love goa trance. good thinking music, ideal for writing and stuff... for me, anyways. i told her no, then she wanted to get Linkin Park's Meteora album. anyone who knows me ... is gonna scream and ask where the real me is: i said no ... so, she got two DVDs, and some clothes for herself. Not a thing for me. ( that was a few day ago.. Lol. just rambling, 'cause I remembed Lament's on it's way, and ... gods... I can't wait. ) Enough rambling, ... until tomorrow, it seems. -Ezekiel A. Lasandre sin(s) *

just some lyrics from stone sour [30 Jul 2003|10:58am] [ mood | wishing i was too dead to care ] [ music | stone_sour-bother ] Wish I was too dead to cry My self-affliction fades Stones to throw at my creator Masochists to which I cater You don't need to bother; I don't need to be I'll keep slipping farther But once I hold on, I won't let go 'til it bleeds Wish I was too dead to care If indeed I cared at all Never had a voice to protest So you fed me shit to digest I wish I had a reason; my flaws are open season For this, I gave up trying One good turn deserves my dying You don't need to bother; I don't need to be I'll keep slipping farther But once I hold on, I won't let go 'til it bleeds Wish I'd died instead of lived A zombie hides my face Shell forgotten with its memories Diaries left with cryptic entries And you don't need to bother; I don't need to be I'll keep slipping farther But once I hold on, I won't let go 'til it bleeds You don't need to bother; I don't need to be I'll keep slipping farther But once I hold on... I'll never live down my deceit Currently? That's my favorite song and perfecting fitting for how I've been feeling as of late. sin(s) *

sleep depraved thoughts of the dark soul's mind [30 Jul 2003|10:32am] [ mood | cruelest dream; reality ] [ music | stone_sour-bother ] in recent events, the Demon had come back into his life, threatening to expose the entire world to him. The Muse, rushing to tell him the truth before such happens, is afraid for her own reasons. She is still too attatched to the Demon. With the Mystic and Angel no where to be found, even the Cleric had ran out on him, he was left alone to face the harshest reality of all: everything he has ever known to be true ... was a lie. still he pressed on, his goal in mind ... alone thus he wanders, wondering if he'll ever find it. the few struggles he faces on the road are nothing compared to the one he was about to face. it stood before him, with it's gaping maw ready to devour him, a void in hope. it had no shape or physical form. it was merely an image, though he knew it was fatal to pass it off as such. words were bitterly spoken, and thrown at the man as if a mortal blow had been struck. then, as it were, the phantom was gone ... but something had changed. he came to hate himself. his hope had been deffered. he couldn't stand up for himself when he needed to ... or was this just another trial that he must face ... a test of some cruel deity that had long been forgotten? and where were his friends ... the companions ... when he need their counsel? i needed to do that. reiterate everything that happened within the last few days in that format. a rare occurance happened -- i actually spoke what was on my mind. y'know what that got me? hell in a handbasket, and the truth. she doesn't trust me. by all means, completely understandable. so, as she threw my cousin's cross to the ground, losing it some odd distance from where i was standing, my first initial reaction ( my cousin is dead, mind you ... only thing I got to remember the girl by ... save memories ... ) was a very violent one. not acting on it, we argued about inane subjects trying to alleviate my sudden swell of emotion. and all through the night ... things just got worse until she told me to go. so, i swallowed my sorrow, and changed clothes, gathered my backpack ... and headed to the door. apparently it was my mistake. as i set the keys on the entertainment stand, she began crying. it was her choice. i was completely calm and trying to transfix that violent urge with some type of depression. either way, i ended up swallowing my pride, 'cause she really didn't want me to go, she meant for me to take a walk or something. ( as hard as it is to display emotional tones there, that was meant to be taken as bitter as possible. ) Usual rapport of making up, casual talking ... went to sleep ... woke up ... still feeling like I needed to walk out then. So, as much as I know I'm going to regret everything, the next time she tells me to go, I'm just going to tell her good-bye. As much as I ... care ... for her ... I think both of us know that it's getting close for the time to say good-bye. not much else to say other than ... well, it's always ... nice ... to know that you're amusing to at least some one. so, for anyone else reading it ... don't feel afraid. if i seem a little bitter at first, don't let it get to ya. and i just realized how much i do need to start reaching out to other people, maybe make a new list of companions. heh. -Ezekiel eh. on a last note -- days like these ya just gotta say 'fuck it' to everything wrong. i think i'm becoming fond of that word ... heh. sin(s) *

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