not so dead and broken... [BANG] you've killed me.'s journal

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Tuesday, April 24th, 2007
10:53 am
did you ever feel like your just a pain in everyone's ass?

current mood: alone
current music: Avril Lavigne; Innocence

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Wednesday, October 4th, 2006
9:56 am - nevermind.
To you,

fuck it. that was a great way to start off the morning.

crying. getting into a fight.

we remember things differently.

i can't help the way i feel about this. or how i remember it.

i'm sorry.

love you.

current mood: crying

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Friday, November 18th, 2005
3:33 pm - today just got bad
yep today sucked ass...

I think I just got kicked out of my cousins wedding... that sucks. Cause I'm broke. I don't have an extra $144.00 to buy the dress this weekend. Gah.. this sucks.

and of course i have like the nervous breakdown about money... I need a second job no matter what... at least 20 hours a week.

i'll start looking tonight on my way home and then tomorrow as well.

current mood: sad
current music: nothing

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Thursday, August 25th, 2005
1:56 pm

What Your Dreams Mean...

Your dreams seem to show that you're very preoccupied with your fears and problems.

These bad dreams indicate that you need to spend more time on your issues during the day.

Your dreams tend to reflect your insecurities.

You have a very vivid imagination and a rich creative mind.

You secretly want to hide your dreams from your waking mind.

Your Deadly Sins

Sloth: 80%

Wrath: 60%

Envy: 40%

Gluttony: 20%

Lust: 20%

Pride: 20%

Greed: 0%

Chance You'll Go to Hell: 34%

You will die while sleeping - and no one will notice.

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1:17 pm
ok so quick update for everyone:::

my life's been kinda crazy the past few weeks, working a lot, trying to catch up on bills every since the car accident, not too much more new than that.

Still with my Boyfriend Joe, going on almost 5 months now. things have been rocky so we'll see where things go to.

ummm .... damn can;t even think of what else to say...

so i guess it's that time to head back to work. talk to you all later...

current mood: busy

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Saturday, March 5th, 2005
7:50 pm
to people who read my journal.... this is mainly a friends only or a private journal..... so sorry there's not too much to read here.

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Tuesday, March 1st, 2005
12:04 pm

major confusion right now.

*deep breath* alright....

... oh man this is going to be so hard to do.

current mood: nervous
current music: silence!

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Sunday, February 27th, 2005
3:38 pm
and my fucking down stairs neighbors had to call the landlord to change their light bulb in their hallway AND want the money for a light bulb taken out of there rent.... wtf?!!??! you live here.... you paided one dollar for the bulb and you had to get him to change it and you are bitching about having to pay the dollar for the bulb. what is that all about?

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Tuesday, February 22nd, 2005
8:15 pm
so the normal this morning, go to work. come home. check my emails. watch a movie. then my mom calls, so i tell her that i can take her mail to the post office and go to her bank for her. i ended up falling asleep and can only make it to the post office for her. so i go to her house and she ends up telling me that she is now on unemployment and that she is getting sick again. random nose bleedings. feeling weak. she looks like she's dead. i hate seeing her like this. and she won't tell me what i wrong other than she is just getting sick. but she has stopped work completely and it seems like its the same shit like the last time she went through cancer. i really don't know whats wrong but of course i'm thinking the worse. so i'm guessing that she is getting really sick again, another kind of cancer or the same one as last time that they thought they beat. i don't know how well i'm gonna be able to deal with this one. the last one was hard enough. i know her lungs have gotten worse but i know thats not the only thing. it might be breast cancer too. and possible more of her organs shutting down.
what if this time they don't beat it?
what if this is the end?
she's never stopped work because of it before. i don't know what i can do for her. so i'm looking for jobs right now. i'm guessing i'm going to take another day job and then have to take another night job too. so tomorrow i'm going to put in my application for a gas station, circleK is hiring. and there are a few more around me. TGIFriday's is still looking for servers, i HATE waitressing but i need the money so bad right now. i now have to take over both car payments and insurance payments. which sucks. i have no extra spending money. no food money. and if things get really bad, i'll be taking over all her bills so she can go to the doctors every week.
i don't know what i'll do if she's gone. i'm scared that she's dying and is just not telling me or anyone for that matter. i hate this.

when things even start to look better a black cloud rolls over and pushes away all happiness i had.

her moods have changed so much. she's crying all the time. and i really can't do anything for her. i can't do anything at all, but make her bills go away. i wish there was more i could do. but i can't. i'm helpless here. i'm alone here. i'm tired. i'm stressed. i can't stop crying now. everything has built up so much and now crumbling down upon me.
i shouldn't have quit marc's but i know i needed to. and now even that small amount of cash would have helped. hopefully jobs will be open for be to take. this sucks.

what happened to the carefree days of youth when all you worried about was whether or not you got stay out late? what happened to your parents being the strongest people alive, invincable almost? what happened to long nights of sleep? what happened to actually being able to take a day of nothing but rest? what happened to a day off? where the hell did life go so wrong? when did it all start to fall down? when did i spin this far out of control? how did it all get this complicated?

i remember the first time i saw my mom really sick... i was 12 and her lung had collapsed and she could even take a breath on her own. that was the first slap of reality for me. i sat there completely helpless watching my mom dying.
then of course a few weeks later my dad ended up in the hospital.... his first heart attack. yea i got blamed for that one. that was so horrible. i watched him just lay in the hospital bed hooked up to what seemed like a million machines helping him live.
that really made me think of how fragile life really is. and how short. both my parents almost dead within weeks of each other. what the hell would i be like today if they really did dead then? and now everytime they get sick it makes me think of what i would do if they were gone. i hate the thought of my dad not being able to give me away at my wedding. i hate the thought of them not being there when i have kids. i hate the idea that the only family i will have left is a big brother, my stepmom and my little brothers. it kills me to think like that, but i know that my mom doesn't really have much time left. and my dad's heart is so weak, that the doctors don't know how he survived this third heart attack.
death just seems to gloom all around my family. we had 2 this year already, death comes in three right? i really don't want it to me my mom. yet she's so sick. i can't get my mind off of it.
she's never really even been there for me as a mom, but she has been there as a big sister and a friend. i can't imagine life without her. would it change my life that much? kind of messed up to think that it wouldn't change my life that much if she wasn't here. my kids would grow up with out a grandmother. i know that my friends mom's would replace that, but it wouldn't be my mom. she wouldn't get the joy of my kids. and yeah she has one grandkid, but thats not the same. *sigh*
why the hell am i thinking this far into it? it might be nothing.... (i know thats not true) am i just trying to prepare myself for when it does happen? am i trying to work everything out in my head so maybe it won't be so hard when she goes? what the hell?????
i wish she would just give me a straight answer when i ask whats wrong. i hate this beating around the bush bullshit.

i can't deal with this now.


current mood: crushed

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Monday, January 24th, 2005
9:44 am
wohoo i'm 20!

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Friday, November 12th, 2004
1:24 am
blah i got the pics to work

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Saturday, September 4th, 2004
4:05 pm
grrr to relationships... me and jon are at the breaking point and i think its going to end really soon. i'm not all that bothered by it though.. i should be, i think? i dunno... lots of shit had been happening.. but i'm tired and need a nap.. so i'll tell ya all about it laters...

current mood: tired

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Monday, August 16th, 2004
4:14 pm
i have a new puppy....

my very own, one year old husky-wolf mix.

it's a beautiful dog.

eeee. i love it. *happy dance*

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Sunday, July 25th, 2004
10:49 pm - just because i need to vent
in my moods to end all moods... maybe. i'm stuck right now in these moods of pissed off, angry, a little hurt, and feeling completely lonely in this relationship right now.
so much needs to change and with a litte work and a lot of the bitchy side of me, it might work out ok in the end. but.. is it really worth all that effort when all he does is fall asleep when i try to talk to him? confusion! i'm almost at a lost of words and when i do find something to say it's just grrrr... fuck it! and then more ramblings which have no real meaning other than i'm pissed.
last time was shit. i get home from PA and its almost 10:30... i'm hungry so we go out to eat... everythings fine until we get home.... he wants to have sex... but i'm not in the mood, too tired, too much pain from driving all day. what ever the case.. i said no. this is the first time we wants some in over 5 weeks.. and i say no.. so he gets a little pissy.... HOLD IT ONE SECOND!!!! WHATtheFUCK!!!!!!!! so i continue to tell him how much i actually HATE evercrack.. and the fact that i have been jumping on him for the past 4 weeks for sex and get nothing... by this time i'm pissed and holding nothing back b/c i'm sick of holding shit back when i get pissy.... so convo continues with me complaining and jon saying nothing, fine he's letting me talk... oh wait he's falling asleep.... you asswipe!!!! go fuck yourself! so i get more pissy and now hurt that he won't talk to me.. won't even pay attention to me.... fuck you jon!
so after i yell at him to either stay awake or i'm sleeping on the couch.. he decides to listen.. since i;m pissed... i tell him how much i hate leslie.. not that i hate her, but just the fact that i hate them and how i hate to compete with her... and i hate it all. the whole fucked up relationship they still have. HATE!

i hate fighting but for some reason i wanted to get into a big fight and just end it there, but i couldn't. because he thought i was just cranky. no no no... this is pissed and becoming hurt....

so again i say fuck it and we better talk soon.. or i'll just say fuck it!

current mood: fuck it
current music: evercrack.... gah

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Tuesday, July 13th, 2004
3:59 pm
yay!!!!! beer... time to get drunk...

i believe this is a good reason to get trashed out of my mind...
so here we go....

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2:42 pm - yep i am a cunt
wow. at a lost of words other than i feel completely responsible for what has happened.

i am so sorry. but that will never change what has been done. and that will never change what has happened.

i feel like the biggest asshole cunt bag in the world.

so much for, i think they're ok. no not at all.... wow.. i can't even begin to understand the hows and the why's . wow.. i'm a bitch.

current mood: indescribable
current music: nothing

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Friday, June 18th, 2004
6:12 pm
i find that in this LJ i seem to complain a lot more than in any of my other 50 million ones... not sure why that is... maybe because i feel safe here... comfort from people i really don't know and other people that i am begin to know quiet well.

i would just like to thankyou all for putting up with my shit and long posts of complaining. i promise to post more up-lifting tails from my life as well as the bad horror stories that you are all use to.

current mood: blank

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6:07 pm - just don't know
.. really don't know what put me in this mood...
my life's bitching about family and friends and my life ) life sucks.

current mood: moody
current music: the humming of this computer

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Wednesday, June 9th, 2004
8:02 pm
i hate this feeling of emptiness... something is missing and i don't know what.
people know i cut now, and it makes me sad. upset and hurt. i hate people knowing it. i can't stand it.
today i want to cut, i have this urge to. i need it almost. a passion i have left for too long. its only been a month or two now, but i need it. knew to breath again, need to sleep again. i just need it. that outlet that no one can touch. that no one can harm. its mine. my own little world. its quiet there, in my hole, my bleeding holes. cut pick tear... anything. i hate this silence. grrrr.

need to breath..... just breath.

current mood: depressed
current music: taking back sunday; cute without the E

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7:42 pm - brother you are no more
dear shane,

you think you know me, but guess what take your head out of your ass and realize that i'm not a 100% like you. i'm not fucking up my like like you did and are still doing. i am not filling my nose with white powder that is slowing eating away my face, I HATE YOU! fuck you for telling people that i am doing drugs, that i am living with a pot head. fuck you for calling me a slut! fuck you shane!
i can't believe you say you care about me and yet everytime we talk you have to try to knock me down to your level. the level of nothinginess. i hate you. you say you are my brother, but you're not. you're no one.

i can't even believe you have the balls to say that i am doing the same shit that you do. it sickens me. i might be a lot like you, but that changes today. right now. i don't want to resemble you in one way, in any way. i hate it, i hate you, i hate who you have become. i hate those lie you tell yourself, i hate the lies you tell me, i hate the lies you tell everyone.... it disgust me that people actually believe. i can't believe i believed you for so long. you think your better. keep telling yourself that until you put that next line up your nose. tell yourself that everytime you smoke pot. tell yourself that everytime you lie. fuck you, i can't believe i wasted time getting to know you.

why shane? why me? you dont' know me, you weren't there. and you still aren't. you call my insominia a drug problem?!?!! guess what shane.... its not. its life. life i deal with on my own. fuck you for say that you went through what i did, you don't even know what life was and is like for me. you weren't there. and you still aren't. i hate you! you say my life was great, that i got everythign that i've ever wanted. that i had a blessed life, that i am rich, that i have everything, that i even had a good childhood. FUCK YOU ASSHOLE!

shane when i finally do tell you this, it will be the last time i talk to you. i promise. see that is one thing that i do that you don't do. i only make promises i can keep. and this is the first promise i've made to you. its the last thing you'll ever get from me.

hate, jessie
* your little ex-sister

current mood: hurt, pissed, lost
current music: my brothers words stabbing me

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