Raches' Blurty
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Below are the 18 most recent journal entries recorded in Raches' Blurty:

    Wednesday, October 1st, 2003
    11:37 pm
    El fin
    I am never fucking Tim again. You hear me world! I am no longer his specialty whore when he wants to fuck someone he hates, and in every way possible. When he wants to annoy me, make me feel uncomfortable, demean me, and fake kiss me. I can never be kissed by someone who does not care about me ever again, your soul dies a little. My neck hurts, my mouth hurts, my soul hurts, I kinda betrayed someone, and he fucking sent me home at 4:30 in the morning, because in all reality he cannot stand me. Is there a soundtrack for a whore? Why did I let him tell me what to do...I told him he knew too much about me.... Dysfunctionality makes life interesting he said, we are interesting. I hate him so fucking much, but at least our closure this time left me with such a bad taste in my mouth, I don't feel that awful feeling of hate, I am validated that he is an utter asshole, no ifs ands or scrawny pimpily butts. His girlfriend might love him, but I am over. FOREVER! Whore is no longer part of my title.
    Goodnight...let my period start now, please.

    Current Mood: dirty
    Wednesday, August 27th, 2003
    9:12 pm
    It is done...but it's not over, and it's not bad
    Almost 24 hours ago Tim called me on my way to my dorm. He wanted to know if we could get together, I said sure, his voice always gets to me, it is like he genuinely cares for me. So I agree to meet him, and tell him directions. In the back of my head I know what I am getting into, and it doesn't bother me. We stop and get gas, he buys me a bottle of water, and we head off into the night to his house. We talk, and its nice talking, we sit on his couch talking about mundane things, knowing that we are just delaying. He grabs my sides and finds my ticklish spots. Then he grabs the lamp and turns the light off, we kiss, and he tells me not to open my mouth as much, I am glad he is teaching me. Then he lies on top of me and kisses my neck and my chest, while I feel his back and kiss him back. He asks me if I don't mind moving to somewhere more comfortable, I say know, by now I know what I am getting into. My shirt is gone, my bra is gone, skin on skin, I don't like being bitten as much as others...Sooner or later I make the decision, he is kind and gentle, and he knows what he is doing, and I know what I am doing, so here I am almost twenty four hours ago, almost twenty four hours I signed away my virginity, and spend the night, laughing, smiling, crying, and accidently wacking. I do not regret it, but I do hope that I am okay, not pregnant, and not permanently scared, because I am still bleeding. I have a lot of responsibility now. To the health center I go!
    Wednesday, August 6th, 2003
    10:21 pm
    Ten thousand motherfuckers singing Glory...
    I should change my name to sinningoperatic...because I've been a bad bad girl...I guess it happens once a month where I lose all sensibility to my barely there sexuality. Tim wants me to take "risky" pictures. This happens to be the same week I get my first glance at bonified porn. Porn is rediculous...laughable...why people do it..well money is obvious..but everything else..blah! Yep, that's right we started talking again, and I'm starting to think...because I'm a stupid girl..that that is why he started talking in the first place. My good little Christian boy wants to match my carefully overt sexuality. I liked being the bad girl to the good boy, unfortunately he likes me more bad than good...or he's had the taste of the bad. The bad girl is a secret..and I thought I'd release her to him in person rather than online, then he just becomes one of the minions. Which means that he is put he is put in the same catagory as the guys I have talked to for brief moments in time in the last three years, which means the emotion is repressed. I hope the relationship didn't die on the birthing table...but I guess distance kept us apart, so this is the only way we could connect..but why only through sex?
    On the parent front we're either content or fighting..I hate fighting...I want to install a no fighting rule for the last week I'm home...I do not like not getting along them.
    Tomorrow is the first of the last three times we put on Picasso at the Lapin Agile.
    I am bitter about things, but I know that is because I am leaving.
    Katie told me not to worry about knowing things about people, because soon enough I will be in Fort Worth and it will all be irrevalent...I knew I lost Amy, I guess at some point I need to stop pretending and grieve. In all seriousness, when you lose a friend a part of you dies, and the whole in my heart needs to start healing..because pretending only makes the hole grow, because you try to stretch out a wound...like the one on my knee.
    I am leaving for college with my true friends intact, and that should be celebrated...
    Tomorrow is nannying woohoo! No sarcasm for the children
    Spongebob squarepants spongebob squarepants..spongybob squarepants! Glooooorrry alleluia Amen!- Jason Mraz

    Current Mood: blah
    Current Music: Spongebob theme song..and Jason Mraz encore
    Tuesday, July 29th, 2003
    11:31 pm
    I just finished watching Sex and the City and I am content. I like having that escape vehicle. Cliff said this week that he wishes that he could have a connection with a television show..and he trailed off. I know where that trail leads, because in that hour of escapism, all that matters is what is in front of you, and that can be a comfort.

    I think I will have to go to therapy...I told my parents the great secret...and they think I need professional help. My dad evidently went through the same thing. I am not alone in the family.

    Jake is hitting on me. That only validates my humanity, but still every once in a while you need to know that you are not invisible. I shake off his advances...but I wouldn't mind a kiss...just because I have had a kiss (not with him) before, and they are very nice things.

    We open in two days, and I have faith.

    Thank you o lord for blessing me with patience and the life that you have given me. No matter how many bends are in my path, I am happy to walk it in your presence.

    Current Mood: content
    Current Music: Crazy In Love-Beyonce Knowles Ft Jay-Z-Dangerously In Love
    Sunday, July 27th, 2003
    1:31 pm
    Welcome to College, Now Go Screw Yourself!
    So, I'm getting kicked out of college before I have even taken a class...Evidently TCU does not appreicate the fact that I hate Spanish and that I am no good at math. I have to write detailed explanations for why I failed Pre-Cal and why I barely passed the last semester of Spanish Three...Well, I skipped Spanish whenever I could to sit in AP European History...and umm...I believe my average in Algebra II was a 73...so failing Pre-Cal? Not that big of a jump considering 75% of the kids who take Pre-Cal at GHS fail!
    BLAH!!! I just fucking want to go to college without something happening! I understand that not everyone has things handed to them on silver platters, but I have never had anything easy in my life...ever...I have had to fight tooth and nail for everything. Yes, I am still alive, and more intellegent for it...but I'm also world weary, cynical, and fighting back depression. Mental illness comes to most people in adulthood, and the chemicals in my body decided to be imbalanced the month before I move into the college that is pissed at me right now. I cried on Thursday, I was upset, but I didn't know why..I mean I know why..I'm not getting along with my parents...I'm in a play, but almost completely not satisfied, I am a nanny for eleven hours getting paid $5.15 an hour...and I'm losing friends as our make-up fades and our true feelings come out.
    Two weeks ago I couldn't stop smiling...last night I was smiling, I was with Greg, Leigh Ann, Eric and Sandi...I love being with my friends, I love being with them than any other experience in the world! No amount of chemicals could ever match the high I get off of them. Tonight is Katie's birthday, we're going to Carlos and Charlie's..and I am so excited! I have to go get her a present though...which I don't know how that is exactly going to work...I have to be at play practice at 3..I can leave at 7...and it is 1:30 and I haven't eaten lunch yet. Though it smells good. DAMN! I feel like banging my head on the table, although I do not understand what good that would do at all.
    Surviving isn't the hard part...it's the realization that you can survive that is.

    "Industrial Revolution style....it's like Manchester, England!"-Eric

    Current Mood: uncomfortable
    Current Music: I'm Like A Bird-Nelly Furtado
    Sunday, July 20th, 2003
    1:48 am
    I just had one of the most amazing nights of my life!!! Period. Oh my god, I just cannot get over the rush of tonight! I got in Greg's car tonight, and the fun never stopped, my eyes are sooo dry from crying due to laughing all night! We went to see the musical "Crazy for You" at Zilker Park, driving to Austin was fun, because Eric and I got to put our heads together to navigate around Austin. No matter how much I can dislike Eric for previous experiences, I absolutely love him while we're together! We ate at Romeo's and had the worlds lowest IQ'ed albeit, cutest waiter...and very yummy Italian food, and an hour of jokes about meaty Roman sauce, and fun with homosexuality. Leigh Ann and I finally got Tiramusu, we never get to get it..because no one likes it except for us, so we treated ourselves!
    There were a lot of mentions of outings in the past month where I couldn't attend, so I kept score Events with Rachael mentioned in conversation: 1, Events mentioned without Rachael: 20. It's not like the events were purposely without me, I just gave up a bunch of my time to be in the play...the most controversial play to come to Georgetown in history... I just hope to attend every outing from now on, because I love these people with all my heart!!!
    Sandi and I talked in funny voices all the way to Zilker, we got our usual front row seats, laid our blankets down, and enjoyed the show. Leigh Ann and I got t-shirts, and Leigh Ann received some unwanted advice from a bitch who decided to give LA lessons in picking a shirt that fit. Bitch! I love my sister...I'm going to miss her soooo much! What am I going to do with out her?
    I'm looking at this entry, it could be any ditzy girl's diary...but I doubt every other girl made joke references to the word aloof tonight...I'm trying to validate my use of lots of exclamation marks, but I talk really loud in real life anyway...anyway continuing on with the happiness...
    I ROLLED DOWN A HILL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! OH MY GOD, EVERYONE SHOULD ROLL DOWN A HILL!!!! It is the best FEELING IN THE WORLD!!! I rolled down a hill 4 times...I'm itchy, but still high! high on life!!! we bowed at the end too!
    Coffee was the most unhyper thing we did tonight...coffee????
    I loved tonight, and I hope I never forget it!!!!

    Current Mood: ecstatic
    Current Music: Gershwin and R.Kelly all night baby..oh, yeah, and some "Crazy In Love!"
    Thursday, July 17th, 2003
    10:34 pm

    What's your sexual appeal?
    brought to you by Quizilla

    You're Perfect ^^
    -Perfect- You're the perfect girlfriend. Which
    means you're rare or that you cheated :P You're
    the kind of chick that can hang out with your
    boyfriend's friends and be silly. You don't
    care about presents or about going to fancy
    placed. Hell, just hang out. You're just happy
    being around your boyfriend.

    What Kind of Girlfriend Are You?
    brought to you by Quizilla

    You're the smirk,a frown-smile hybrid that's a
    little bit cocky and usually associated with
    evil or arrogant,but attractive people.You
    probably just don't give a damn,but it's
    everyone else's fault if you don't because
    you're too awesome to have any real faults.

    What Kind of Smile are You?
    brought to you by Quizilla

    Joey always said I smiled too much...evidently I'm a smirk though...

    Current Mood: accomplished
    3:25 pm
    img src="http://images.quizilla.com/G/ghettokitty/1047299736_entrancing.jpg" border="0" alt="entrancing">
    You have an entrancing kiss~ the kind that leaves
    your partner bedazzled and maybe even feeling
    he/she is dreaming. Quite effective; the kiss
    that never lessens and always blows your
    partner away like the first time.

    What kind of kiss are you?
    brought to you by Quizilla

    You are NEMO!
    What Finding Nemo Character are You?

    brought to you by Quizilla

    Current Mood: accomplished
    Wednesday, July 16th, 2003
    8:51 pm
    There is always a constant state of tiredness when it comes to me in the last month. I could say that it's Tim's fault, but it's not at all...I keep myself up, I am the one who thinks of him. Mary called him my boyfriend today, I keep saying no, because I feel like I would offend him by saying such a thing...even though he's not here. I don't like listening to Justin Timberlake any more. Romantic feelings for someone can make you just as cynical as it can make you happy. Repressing my feelings and doubting them are not good. With him it's not casual or a fling, I have invested feelings, and I need to fess up to it. He saw me, he saw me repress my feelings, and translated those actions into the girl who feels nothing. I am feeling everything.

    I watched a sex and the city episode today where they commented on guys and the anal thing. They don't want you to talk about it. oops too late.

    I sent him 2 e-mails and I haven't heard from him yet, he's probally busy with the website, which looks pretty good right now.
    In a way I am glad that I did not get my friends involved with him, Kera is still addicted to saving all IM conversations she has with people. She must be extremely down when it comes to relationships, she needs proof...and she needs to send it to other people to show them that it actually happened.

    Cameron IM'd me!!! for the first time in a long time, it made my hour! Now I have forgotten what I wanted to talk about.
    I went out to dinner with the girls, minus Leigh Ann...I miss Leigh Ann... :(

    Mary's boyfriend is giving her Hell, why? why? she just got back into the state!? Fucker.

    I cannot have deep feelings or writings after eating at TGIFriday's it's impossible...my stomach says that...

    God, I am not going to question your actions in my life today. I just thank you for everyday that you give me.

    Current Mood: sleepy
    Current Music: Happy Now?-No Doubt-Tragic Kingdom
    Sunday, July 13th, 2003
    8:50 pm
    So, what's next?
    I've come to terms with it. Not a big deal so much anymore, I've researched it, studied, I know the facts, and the statistics. I've made a shopping list. All I need is a non bastard boyfriend. Yeah, like that's going to happen. It's kinda funny when you're not going to have sex because you deeply love eachother, because you're so emotionally unattatched. Tim is being a bastard, we're talking about limits, things we will and won't do, and then he leaves because I embarass him about anal. The gay joke I kept to myself...Cosmo's list of things to not tease a guy about...1. His manhood. Straight manhood to be exact.
    I wish we were back to that morning after the theme park. We were so idealistic, falling for eachother, and now, now we're just normal...sure there are a few things that we have yet to find out about eachother, but the question game is no longer sexy. Does he think he doesn't need to sweep me off my feet. I mean I guess he doesn't, we're not in love. Now I hope it's the rush of seeing eachother in person, but something is different. Damn...everything is all wrong isn't it...and I have to shave...at least he told me a new trick about trying it sitting down. Not like I want him to go down on me, for some reason I want to share that with someone special, but not intercourse...I'm pretty screwed up aren't I?
    Sex with someone I love will be different, beautiful, not painful...this this will be fun, funny, and entertaining...and hopefully pleasurable. 8% baby!

    Current Mood: aggravated
    Current Music: Isobel-Bjork-Post
    Saturday, July 12th, 2003
    10:03 pm
    The answer is...
    I told him yes. Did I just sign my life away? God doesn't send thunderbolts anymore, he just lets us live with the choices that we have made. Those thunderbolts by the way, just the tremors of relationships changing, lifestyles changing, disrupting the previous way of life. I researched, I researched...a little, and I can do a great deal more. The sad thing is that the reasearch was actually more positive than negative. So that scared me a little bit, but I laughed too, because all those things they fed us from elementary to ninth grade was too keep us not pregnant and STD free through high school, and they had a slight hope that some of that information would stay with us, that we would be scared right through marriage. I don't think I'm now suddenly aware of the world of casual sex, I still think I'm being stupid as hell. But you know, I really don't want to stain my expensive new sheets in college, and it will teach Tim a lesson, because it's supposed to hurt like hell for me. HA! Girls still get the last laugh, and the most pain. Well, and there are the thoughts that he still could be a psychopath....God, I have faith that my life is supposed to last longer than this. So I am scared as hell...but I want to do it...and there is all the planning that has to go forward before, so it might not at all be possible. I don't know why I leave everything up to fate. My head is more clear on this than most things, which also scares me. I'll be on later, because we have to talk. I guess after weekend update...I am so immature...
    God, I talk to you as I commit a sin right in front of your face, and I have the audacity to ask for your forgiveness. I am a sinner, so outright. I love you, yet I blatently deny your commands. But even Ned Flanders fell...do you know of the Simpsons? God, I know what I am asking for...but I do not know if I am worthy to be delivered. Please calm my heart of fire. All my love. Amen

    Current Mood: contemplative
    Current Music: Halo-Foo Fighters-One By One
    2:50 pm
    img src="http://images.quizilla.com/A/Aingael/1051896594_turespeace.jpg" border="0" alt="You are Peace">
    You are Peace.

    You are at peace with your self and the world
    around you. You have balance in your life and
    exude tranquility from every pore of your body.
    People are constantly asking you "what is
    your secret?"

    What Emotion Are You?
    brought to you by Quizilla

    You Are Lust
    You are Lust.

    Every part of you screams "Do me now!"
    You exude sexuality and while others sometimes
    view you as a slut, you see yourself as only
    giving into your base desires.

    What Emotion Are You?
    brought to you by Quizilla

    With one change of an answer I go from Peace to Lust...wow, that really does say something

    Current Mood: contemplative
    12:37 pm
    It is Tomorrow

    What Moulin Rouge Character Are You?
    brought to you by Quizilla

    So yeah, I had a brief yet memorable romantic moment with a sophomore...I'm going to miss him so much. I think why he had such an impact on me is because I have another guy to compare him with. That makes perfect sense doesn't it? Or was he truly someone I could have had fun with? Fun. I say that's what I am looking for, but I would take love any day. What does it feel like to be loved by a member of the opposite sex? (I'm speaking to straight people) Love is all you need, yet I am living under false pretenses.

    The whole tomorrow thing was about the fact that everyone kept calling the house wanting to ask my mom about tomorrow...well, she has to work today...and she's gone right now so I'm going to try once again to talk to Tim. Blah!

    Current Mood: hopeful
    Friday, July 11th, 2003
    10:29 pm
    What's tomorrow?
    I think the thrill is gone. Which is sad, because that means two things that ment a lot to me for two weeks, ended today. As I listen to Head Over Feet, I see what I want, and what I have. But am I just supposed to wait around, and expect every relationship I have to be perfect? That's impossible. So am I supposed to make the best of what I have now? Yes. So does that mean sex? I don't know. I'm thinking no. But he's not like all the other guys, and that concerns me. I liked all the guys before, they were funny, smart, and my friends...first. Now there's all these new types. I don't know why I thought everyone would be the same. Phew...I asked him the questions I have been dying to ask. Which makes sense, why would I make a decision without all of my questions answered? I cannot be weak. That will get me in trouble. So he's just as confused as me. I'm having this conversation with him while I type. It's a relief, I don't know why I doubted it, we are both virgins, good Christian virgins at that. But he's a boy, so he doesn't need a whole lot of reasons. Like he said, blue balls are painful. Greggie Poo says it's fun, but he can have fun...protected fun, but more fun than I can have.

    i think its something to people of the opposite sex who enjoy each others company commit...-Tim

    Okay...subject change..I need to think...

    Camp ended today. I just realized every once in a while I would turn into Rebecca...now a few things make a whole lot of sense. Anyway...I'm about as devastated as I thought I would be. Well, sad, resigned.. I'm going to miss it, and I cannot think of much that was such a good use of time. I had such a good time, I don't think I have enjoyed anything more in life than the last 8 days. The counselors, the kids, the material, the fun...I hope I can find something in life that's as enjoyable as that. Joey and I went on a search for a overhead projecter, and everytime we would stop at a door, he would press himself against me, and put is hand on the handle. One time one of the doors actually opened, and he walked right up into me, behind me, and put his hand in my hand. I held it for a while, then let go. More later..

    Current Mood: sad
    Current Music: Scared of You- Nelly Furtado
    Thursday, July 10th, 2003
    5:13 pm
    Math camp ends tomorrow. This means no Joey, no campers, no Berenice, no constant busyness. I'll be back to the grindstone of thinking, thinking, and more thinking. I cannot be left to my own thoughts, they are dangerous, and two obsessed and thorough. I want to keep in touch with some of my fellow counselors, but I'm leaving in a month, and the reality of seeing these people is true, because I'll probably see the majority of them at camp next year, but I have my first year of college, and all the things that come with that standing in-between me and them. My mother says I always find excuses to make things impossible. Joey and I are constant flirts, what kind of friendly relationship do we build upon that? We like to flirt and talk. Period. Why is it always those damn 15 year old boys!? I want to have fun tomorrow, have fun like I'll remember it forever...or at least the rest of this year. I'm going to miss math camp, and most importantly my home town. I did not think I'd miss it that much, but I will miss it terribly...and Austin, I will miss Austin like a best friend. Piper came back and slid right into (at least it seemed like that) into the comfort of his home town. Wow. This is certainly a big step. I'll miss Joey.
    So, Tim and I talked until around midnight last night. He said he wanted me right here right now. I made the mistake of telling him I was horny. I want to be able to be honest with him, about everything...and that includes my horniness. It made for a fun, but scary night. He said he wanted me right now. It sounded so damn sexy to my incapacitated self. So it's all I thought about today while Mike came and lectured at the camp about logic. How logical is sex and male and female relationships? That's what I need to know. Tim told me he had never gotten himself off, but he wanted me to get myself off. Ha! I asked him why I had to be the bad girl. He had no answer. He simply wanted me to for him. He asked me what I would do if I saw him right at that moment. You cannot ask someone that, because then the moment would be different. Jeez, he already knew enough, and he wanted more. This was all happening while Tracy Nelson's "I Want Your Love So Bad" was playing in the background...the perfect bluesy sexy song. What am I going to do when he comes into town next week? Am I going to still be a virgin next week? What does that mean, to be a virgin? I need to know what it means to me. I feel like I'm backed up into a corner, yet I still have all the control. I wish I was talking to him right now, so I could here his unclouded, not so horny opinion. I don't love him, I know that. It's not like I am not attracted to him or anything, it's just that I have not seen him; been in his presence that often to be in love. I might be falling, but it's not love.
    God, where do I go from here? I know that in my heart and in my mind, the answer lies.

    Current Mood: thoughtful
    Current Music: Playground Love-Air-Virgin Suicides Soundtrack
    Wednesday, July 9th, 2003
    10:42 pm
    Bad, Bad Girl
    Sex, Tim just asked me if I would have sex with him. I haven't talked to him in a week and he propositions me? HA! Sounds more like a Piper horror story than reality. I suppose I should start getting used to the horndog antics of guys, but they surely know how to get girls. Just like Suzanne says in the play, if you turn a girl on in the head you send a direct message to the ovaries. Why? Why do guys think they can go around doing that? Oh, don't you just want to know what it feels like? Jeez, he knows me to well...He didn't have to go to the "I Love You" route, he could go straight for my week hippy moral center where I have to weigh sensations over reality? I cannot do this! Of course I want to have sex, and of course I want to have it with him...but I cannot screw up now!! There's too much ahead of me now. But why worry? Sandi fucks Eric all the time, she's not pregnant? Why can't I have any fun? And then I never consider my youth eldership, I need to understand why God seems to think that sex is ugly without marriage. If it took me this long to date, a ring is not going to be on this left finger anytime soon it seems.
    Joey poked me in the eye today, but I won a staring contest against him! I cannot fall for him...I cannot fall for him... And there's only two more counselor days left anyway. Damn straight guys!
    Greggie and I are going to try to go out to a dinner and a movie..I hope we're as understanding as we have been online. Here I go again being vague...I need to be exact and specific. Tim says he comes to town next week. I'd love to see him.
    God, your strength, I need it more than ever. I am having to make decisions that could very well change the rest of my life. Decisions that shape who I am and what I stand for. I like to think that I stand for moral strength, but I am weak to a point of crumbling at temptation. I need guidance, I need help, for I wander from the flock with every step! I trust in you, I need to believe in you. Praises to your glory, Amen.

    Current Mood: naughty
    Current Music: Criminal-Fiona Apple-Tidal
    Tuesday, July 8th, 2003
    9:03 pm
    All I want to do is sleep...so why can't I do it? Because I've got this hampster running on a wheel kind of brain, and I cannot stop thinking. All this thinking is keeping me from singing correctly as well...huh..complaining about thinking, I should be so lucky.
    I did the bump with Joey today, then he said "girls are squishy." He's got a whole lot of learning to do about girls now doesn't he?
    I have a whole lot of respect for Wes today. I hate being so conflicted by him. He's not a bastard, he's a good guy with bastard tendencies. But have I been mistaken these last four years, was he always the better person?
    Tim is constantly away, I really want to know what happened...and what he has been up to? All this caring better not turn into just curiosity.

    Father, you have made men in your own image. Please watch over all the men and boys in my life, warm their hearts and touch their minds. I love them all, each in their own individual ways. You have given me the ability to care, and I thank you for that. Be with us all as we live in this gift called life you have given us. Love and Amen

    Current Mood: exhausted
    Current Music: I'm Just A Girl-No Doubt-Tragic Kingdom
    Monday, July 7th, 2003
    10:17 pm
    A New Life
    I snuck around while my parents were busy completing their lives for today, and watched Sex and the City. Normally, well normally I want to say, an eighteen year old young woman would not have to sneek around to watch Sex and the City, but I am who I am...and I do what I have to do. It's been about a month since I came to the conclusion that my friends and I live in a similar situation to the women in Sex and the City. True, we are girls, and they are women, and their sex lives are far more experienced than ours, but I do believe we use the word fuck just as often as they do.
    I'll keep writing about my stream of consciousness that flowed while watching this award winning HBO comedy, I realized, I myself am standing in a relationship crossroad. My life has changed, I am no longer a high school student, I am a college student, just like Carrie went from just being a newspaper writer, to a published author with a book. So in my final season should I leave all this fantasy of thinking that my life carries this deep importance and spend my time trying to actually live it? The answer is glaring YES!
    In continuation of this large metaphor, is Jay Mr. Big? This is the first time I have actually mentioned Jay as an actual part of my life. Possibly one of the most inspiring members of my life in the last three years, although I can't really say if he impacted me in a positive way or not. I am more comfortable with my body, yet I have Catholic blood running through my veins, and all of my encounters with him pump that blood through my body. Forgive me father for I have sinned, I have never been to confession, and my carnal thoughts are digging me to Hell by forgetting the first rule of holes. He let this late bloomer, bloom, with his fantasies, and it's funny, that after three years he still believes them. I'll have to let him go for the second time...third time maybe...I've lost count. Jay, darling, you gave me something I'll never forget, but it's time for me to take these next few encounters on my own terms.
    Phew..that was easy enough. So, this Emode thing, wow...if I got guys in real life like I do on the internet, I'd be well...not like me. I am dating, I am not a girlfriend, I can talk to other boys, while waiting for Tim. I find myself reliving that night a lot. It has to be because usually when I think about boys I have to make up realities that never existed, yet in the case of Tim, everything really did happen. Everything really did happen, I have to write that down to believe it myself. He has no idea that no boy ever before has done or said what he did, and I don't know how to express that properly. I become tongue tied, and just seem like every other girl, like he says. He doesn't know what a monumental part he just paid in my life. Do those boys ever know? Do the first kisses ever remember? I hope Alex does, not because he was ever romantically inclined, just so he can tell his teenagers a funny story. I will someday tell Tim what he did for me, he let me be a living breathing romantic female for one night. Hopefully it wasn't a "one night stand" intentionally I know it never was, but history will have to wait and see.
    Fifteen year old boys will be the death of my newly founded sexual maturity. No. I do not mean I will have sex with fifteen year olds, nor am I implying that I am anything other than a virgin. I am just saying that these attractions under any older three year differences would be acceptable...Me 26 them 23...you know, it's still young but it could work...them 43 me 46...yeah...i guess they're just fantasies...and now is the time in which I can officially sort out fantasies and realities. Fantasies: Ross, Cole, Robert, Eric, Cameron. Realities: Marshall, Tim...and the list will go on.
    Thanks to be God for looking over this patron with a wavering heart. Trying to be good and the actual act of grace are too far away to excuse. Your love should be praised and recieved as I truly feel. Forgive my frequent trips, for my love is eternal. Amen.

    Current Mood: refreshed
    Current Music: Truth No. 2-Dixie Chicks-Home
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