i can be incredibly insecure around guys.
i can be incredibly insecure around my skinnier/prettier friends.
i know i'm pretty.
i just feel that there are some things i can work on.
i'm scared to death of being single for the rest of my life.
i'm petrified of getting a divorce.
..that is if i ever even get married :-\
i hate being single.
and i want a relationship more now than ever.
i feel like things i want are dangled in front of my face all the time
but then always get taken away or messed up.
i'm fairly innocent, regardless of what you've heard.
i would rather still be a virgin.
i never realized how much i truly always had going on in my life..
until this year.
i miss le moyne, but i can't go back now.
i'm scared out of my mind to start a new school.
i don't think i'll make any friends.
i fall for the wrong people all the time.
i get scared and push away.
i can never let myself be happy for too long..
when i am, i start to overthink and second-guess everything.
i guess it's because i'm not used to it.
i'm generally scared of a lot of things.
i have a sick fascination with and fear of death.
it creeps me out but sometimes i can't stop thinking about it.
and then when i start, i get depressed to no end.
i want more than anything to get married and have kids.
i also want more than anything to have a successful career.
and i would still give the world to be on Broadway or be a singer.
sometimes i feel childish/foolish admitting that. but i can't help it. it's been my dream since i was so little.
i love, and hate, food.
i'm allergic to fruits and veggies but still eat them.
because they're my favorite kinds of food.
i can't stand my family.
but i love them to death.
i want to be able to move out and be on my own.
but i know i can't support myself right now.
i wish that last statement was far from the truth.
i would rather sleep in the same bed as a boy than sleep alone.
but i hate sex, so i'd rather just cuddle.
yes.. i said it.. i hate sex.
and i hate that people think i'm crazy for it. it just does nothing for me.
i can't stand when my phone is constantly going off.
but if it's certain people i wish it would never stop.
i'm scared to tell people i love them.
because i feel like as soon as they find out, they'll run away.
mostly just guys.
i've never had a serious or healthy relationship.
it makes me feel like a seriously unhealthy failure.
i'm scared of living with a broken heart the rest of my life.
i have terrible timing.
i usually almost always know what to say in any given situation..
unless it has to do with me.
then i'm clueless and need someone else's opinion.
but in the back of my mind, i kind of always know what to do - i just don't trust myself sometimes.
i care more about others than myself..
i would rather help you fix you, than help me fix myself.
i call that my fatal flaw - caring too much.
i've only fully opened myself up emotionally to one guy in my entire life.
and i don't think i'll ever fully get over him.
i'll just somehow move on, like i am today.
i want so badly to believe that people are good and that not every guy is going to break my heart.
likewise i want so badly to believe that you and i, the you and i of right now, will end up together eventually.
i'm starting to want to open up to someone else.
but because of him, i'm so scared.
i fall for guys like my father.
that scares me as well.
right now i have tonsillitis.
i think i'm losing my mind from being locked in my house since monday.
i haven't gone this long without seeing you since we met.
the fact that you haven't suffocated me or pushed me away yet amazes me.
especially since we talk every single day.
but any day i don't hear from you right away, i get worried or feel sad.
is that healthy?
probably not.
i never want to depend on anybody other than myself.
but it feels good to have someone to run to and someone to keep me safe at night on occasion.
i hate poor grammar but for some reason when it comes from you it doesn't bother me.
i hate that i can't turn myself off from you - because there's so many things that in any other person i'd look at and be able to turn away or stop liking them because of it.
but not you.
i can't figure out why.
i'm scared to fall in love, but i want to so badly.
i want to find the person i'm going to marry within the next 3 years. and be married by 25.
i've always wanted that.
or at least engaged..
i can't wait to be 21, but i don't think i'm going to be as pumped as i would have been a year ago..
because i've calmed down so much.
i think i'm going to end this entry because i want a rice krispie treat and i can finally eat solid food for the first time since monday.
i feel fat saying that.
sometimes i think i'm obese.
i'm nervous for you to see me in a bathing suit. even though you've seen me change and you've seen me half naked already.
i have issues.
i hate it.
i want to fix it.
i'm working on it.
i hope my issues don't push you away.
i promise i won't take them out on you.
i want so badly to prove to you i'm not like these other girls.
i just wish you were willing to see it.
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