have you ever wanted to know, right now, right away, instant gratification, if your life means or is going to mean anything?
i wonder every single day if i'm doing the right thing, if my life is amounting to anything, if i'm going to go anywhere. if i've helped anyone along the rocky way of my own life.
i can't help but wonder. i can't help but think. contemplate.
it's like i'm contemplating the value of my own existance.
sometimes i think that i've become so devalued, so worthless, and my life has become so pointless, and such a waste, that one day i might just not wake up.
not because i was in poor health, but because i was wasting the air for someone who needed it more.
other times i think i can't because i have so much more left to do with my life, that i can't possibly be taking up space or air - i have goals, dreams, ambitions - all of which i know many people who don't [have them.]
i know my calling in life is to help people.
as much as i can continue to wish my calling was to be a crazy rock star, or a broadway beauty, i know that first, before all, i need to help others.
it's just the way i am.
if i'm not helping someone or not trying to make things better in some way shape or form, i don't feel right. i don't feel good about my life.
but i'm craving, so badly, instant gratification through the whole thing - i want to know right away that i've helped someone.
i want to know right now that something i've done in my life has helped someone in some way.
whether it be someone feeling the same things as me, who reads this and thinks "wow, at least someone gets it."
or whether it's a person who i've spoken to for only a moment, for just a short period of their live, but have counseled them in such a way that i've made them realize it's going to be okay, regardless of the situation.
or even that i've put hope into another person regarding mankind, that i've shown someone that not all people are terrible inside, that not all people are selfish and self-revolving.
i just want something, some sign, to let me know that all this pain that i feel, all this hurt that i go through, on a monthly, yearly, weekly, daily, hourly basis, all this heartache i feel everytime i think i've found something good, that it's all worth it.
sometimes i feel like one day i just won't wake up because after a while, all the heartbreak in my life will have amounted to something so great, so huge, that i won't be able to continue on.
i can only hope it doesn't happen.
but the thought alone scares me.
i'm tired of being by myself but with the way things are going, i'm starting to think i'm stuck in this vicious cycle of heartbreak - and not that i'm the one breaking hearts because i don't think i've ever done such a thing - how can i when i'm the one whose heart is always broken? - and that the cycle will never end.
all i want is to find that one guy, the one who will respect me, and care for me, and love me the way i deserve to be cared for, respected, and loved.
but i'm beginning to think that guy doesn't exist.
i've found someone incredibly respectful - he treats me better than any other guy i've ever met.
but he's emotionally unavailable. and it's not even a cop-out. he's not the one who put it in those terms.
but from what he told me tonight, it's clear as day, plain to see, completely obvious, that he's no where near emotionally ready to have a relationship - serious or otherwise.
and at the point that i'm at maybe it's for the better.
considering i'm still worrying every now and then about where you are.
and you know who "you" is in that sentence. if anyone reading this doesn't, then you obviously haven't been updated on the past four years of my life.
i can safely say i've fallen in love, and that i'm slowly falling out of it.
but only because time is beginning to heal the wounds that you've continually cut open and poured the sourest of salt into.
although, i'm not really sure you ever fall out of love.
you just learn to let go, and realize that it wasn't as "meant-to-be" as you thought.
i want my words to mean something.
to reach someone.
to make someone think about their own life.
i want what i write to help someone else feel something better than what they feel at the moment.
i want to know that what i'm doing is worth the pain.
i want to know that what i'm going through is worth the hurt. the heartbreak. the heartache. the emotional rollercoaster that my life has turned into.
if my words can touch just one person in the way that the words of other people, like Jason Mraz, or Andrew McMahon, or any of the other artists, writers, actors, philosophers, and so on, have touched me, then i think my life will feel a little bit more worthwhile. i think i will feel a little less worthless and a little less lost.
i feel like there are words stuck in my throat.
i feel like my tongue is blocking them from getting out.
i know i'm not speaking all of this verbally
but i feel like something isn't coming out and something is stuck inside of me.
inside of my head.
inside of my heart.
it is creeping inside of my brain, coming down into my throat, but not processing through my mouth or into my hands to be typed into the visual words that are put onto this virtual paper.
i want you to get better.
i want him to recover from this "ex" situation.
i just need someone to love me back for once.
i need someone to care about me the way i care about them for a change.
and i know i have my friends, sometimes at least, i guess... i don't really know anymore since we're all growing up and apart and changing day-by-day, minute after minute..
but it's not the same.
falling asleep with someone's arms around you, knowing that in the morning they'll be there, they'll hold you tight again in a conscious moment that means everything to both of you.. that's what i need.
that's what i want.
because i'm sick of being single. i'm sick of being alone. i'm completely and utterly tired of being so lonely.
but i can't seem to change that.
even when i wasn't looking, i found someone who doesn't want to be with me.
please, just let it be for the moment.
please just let it be while you recover from the shit she pulled on you.
please just let it all get better soon.
i don't want to fix you.
i don't want to save you.
but i want to be the key.
i want to be that person that shows you that not everyone is the same.
i want to be there along the way.
but i can't save you.
i can't save anyone.
i can't be that person again.
it takes too much out of me.
it tears too much of me apart.
i can't do it.
but i can't be alone much longer either.
the silence is killing me.
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