right now, every inch of my heart is hurting.
it's like, if one thing doesn't make it worse, another will.
i can't seem to get over you and with every bad thing that happens, all i want is to be with you.
but i know you don't care anymore.
you said you never really got over me..
you said you wanted to be together..
but look at you..
you're home and running around in the same damn circle you've been running for the longest time now
and look at me..
here i am, making deals with friends, in hopes that maybe that'll stop me from getting in touch with you, cos i know i shouldn't.
here i am, and all i can do is think about you. miss you. want you. it's almost like i need you.
but i don't want to.
anytime something goes wrong in my life, i have this need, this urge, to run to you.
i'm not really sure why.
it's like you're my "person," even though i know you're not.
you used to be.
and sometimes i thought maybe i was or at least could be yours too.
i never got over you. and i mean that.
i feel like i never will. and that kills me.
nothing has come along and filled the void in my heart where you used to be.
where you honestly still are.
where i'm afraid you're always going to be.
i love you but i've never told you.
i would say "loved" but i'd only be lying, cos who am i kidding? i obviously still do.
i want to get over you so badly.
but you make it so hard.
and it's not like it should be hard, considering the fact that you treat me like complete shit half the time lately.
you treat me like i'm worthless, like i don't deserve your time, like i'm the one who should be waiting around for you, when the truth is, you're the one who doesn't deserve me.
everyone is always telling me i'm too good for you and you're not good enough and i deserve better, but for some reason i stay wanting you.
i stay missing you.
i stay wishing we could be together again.
when did i lose my heart to you?
maybe if i could figure out how and when it happened, i could figured out how i can get it back.
i didn't mean to fall for you.
i didn't ask to love you.
it just happened.
but all these empty promises of days and time and caring, it all adds up to nothing, because they are just that - empty.
you would think with everything going on, losing my grandmother, losing my house, losing just about everything, leaving school, losing myself, trying to figure out where i belong, i'd be more than okay with dropping you with each dumb and asshole thing that you do, but for some reason i am always drawn right back to you.
you're one of the first, if not THE first thing on my mind when i wake up.
you're on my mind all the time, at any given random moment of the day.
i worry about you. i wonder where you are. what you're doing. just hoping you're not completely screwing up your life and that maybe one day you'll come back and you'll be okay. that maybe one day you'll get out of this slump that you're in, stop this downward spiral and realize that the people you're with now, aren't the ones that care the most about you - they care about getting messed up with you. they don't care about your well being.
if they did, they wouldn't do these things with you - they wouldn't enable you - they wouldn't keep pulling you back down that dark alleyway, that horribly unlit path that you're on.
my head is like a city, constant noise, never sleeping, always something going on.
sometimes i can't tell what's going on up there but i can always tell that i'm thinking of you in some way.
maybe it's because those thoughts, those feelings, are coming from my heart, not my head.
or maybe it's my heart screaming over the hustle and bustle of the city that is my mind, telling me i need to put you up there instead of down in my heart, telling me i need to stop caring when i think. think without feeling, live without loving.
if only it were that easy.
this past weekend, up at school, a boy who i knew passed away.
i don't really know how, i don't really know much of anything about what happened - i'm not sure many people do.
at first someone said it had to do with partying, and when i heard that, you were the first person i thought of - because i'm so scared that you're going to kill yourself doing what you're doing.
it's not like you're the kind of person who can do these things casually and just stop doing them altogether - that's not how what you have works.
it absolutely breaks me into pieces that when something tragic happens, the loss of a classmate, the loss of my grandmother, anyone's passing in general, you're the first person i think of.
is it because i fell for you?
is it because i care too much?
is it because i'm scared for you?
i have no idea.
maybe it's all of that. and then some.
but whatever it is, i'm starting to hate it..
because with every heartbreaking thing that happens,
with every little thing that could hurt me even the slightest bit occurs,
i think of you and it only adds to the pain and the breaking even more.
i'm so damn tired and emotionally drained.
this is such an emo entry.
but i can't help it..
i've got to get it all out somehow.
i just wish things would get easier for once.
i wish all the pain would just go away.
i wish that all the bad things would just stop happening.
so maybe, for once, i can focus on me, and get away from you.
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