"There are two tragedies in life. One is to lose your heart's desire. The other is to gain it."
~George Bernard Shaw
i saw it in OTH and re-watched the episode tonight..
and i started to think..
it's obvious that losing your heart's desire would be a tragedy.. and it's obvious why.
but gaining your heart's desire? some people might not get it - i know when i first heard the quote i didn't.. but now i do.. and the reason i find in it is this...
[getting your heart's desire is a tragedy - i agree.] because either way, you lose what you love one way or another.
what you desired at first and obtained, it may ultimately break your heart.
if it's a significant other - people lie.
if it's a job - you get bored.
it it's a dream - they die out.
if it's something materialistic - the rush only lasts so long.
but let's touch on this person idea first - you tell someone how you feel and immediately after, you are petrified of what their response is going to be.
but once you get it, the fear, it goes away, because you can't change how someone else feels, just like you can't change how you feel. so before you even process it or read it or whatever-it, you prepare yourself, and you realize that whatever is said, whatever is settled on, is how it's going to be.
but the thing is, what if you get the response you want - say you tell someone how much you care about them, and after you say it or send it or write it, you're scared for so long of what that person is going to say back.. and then bam, there it is, exactly what you weren't expecting - the words you were hoping to hear but didn't think you would - that they never stopped caring about you. that they never really got over you in the first place either.
there it is.
your heart's desire.
so you sit there for a while, weeks, months, sometimes years, in this utopian, euphoric state.. that "on-air, head in the clouds" feeling, that, as cheesy as it is, and as much as some of us try to fight it, we all get when we find out things like that.. because hey, after all, we're only human. and part of that being human is letting your feelings, especially the happy or positive ones, get the best of you.
so you go on and allow yourself to feel happy, to be happy, to let that happiness ease the other feelings, to phase them out.
but then, slowly, things begin to happen, and your heart's desire begins to break your heart itself. begins to tear your heart apart, slowly, but surely.
anything you listen to, watch, say, do, just hurts all the more - it reminds you of what your heart wanted so badly in the first place, and what it gained. and consequently, it reminds your heart, your fragile, breaking, sore heart, just what it lost as well.
so how could gaining your heart's desire NOT be a tragedy? because eventually, circumstances will root against you - circumstances that you both can and cannot control, will get in the way.
maybe the other person could control the circumstances if they could just see what they have going for them. if they could just keep themselves together - keep their act together - keep their nose clean..
if that's the case, the circumstances are out of your control, but of course, the hardest part of that, is realizing that you can't do anything to change it, that they're the ones who have control of the situation and that no matter what you do or say the fact remains that they're the only ones who can change it or make it better.
so, let's admit you've got to be pretty dumb or out of the loop if you have no idea what i'm talking about. but i'm not just going to put it out there and say because it's not fair to the other person - even though i doubt they read this anymore ever. or that he remembers this even exists and that he read it at one point and found out that i never got over him.
anyway, i guess i just wanted to get my point of view on that quote out there. i needed to put my thoughts in - i needed to get everything out of my head, between the tears and before the long awaited sleep i've been trying to get.
maybe tonight i'll sleep okay.
maybe you'll be in my dreams again.
maybe i won't sleep at all.
there's just so much going on and the things that you're doing, the fact that you won't even let me know you're okay, isn't fair. i care more about you than i care about myself half the time. i just wish you cared half as much about yourself as i do about you.
i'm ending this entry with a quote from a deleted scene of OTH that i just saw.
it's a good one, like all things OTH are.
( deleted scene quote from OTH )
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